Why Do Some BPD Ex's Never Contact Us After Leaving?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just curious to know your takes on this? I know the re-engaging concept is discussed frequently here, but I have also heard a few members talk about their BPD ex's leaving and never making any contact with them for a long time.

I know in certain abusive relationships, it is for the best that both parties do not speak to each other, but in all of the relationship that I have had in my life after the intial break-up there has been at least some form of contact once in a while just to see how the other persons life is going... .

But with my ex, there is absolutely nothing in 3 months, and in a way I think this is actually making it more difficult for me to move on because I still want some form of validation that I wasn't just a disposable pair of worn jeans to her. But so far there has been no indication that I was anything more than just that in her eyes.

Do the BPD's who make no contact post break-up do so because they truly have forgotten about us as soon as we are out of sight? Or because we are so evil to them that they feel justified in not contacting? Or because it is for the best in any normal break-up for 2 people not to contact one another, and I am just not getting with that? Any insight would be appreciated.

[SteveMc]

Just curious to know your takes on this? I know the re-engaging concept is discussed frequently here, but I have also heard a few members talk about their BPD ex's leaving and never making any contact with them for a long time.

I know in certain abusive relationships, it is for the best that both parties do not speak to each other, but in all of the relationship that I have had in my life after the intial break-up there has been at least some form of contact once in a while just to see how the other persons life is going... .

But with my ex, there is absolutely nothing in 3 months, and in a way I think this is actually making it more difficult for me to move on because I still want some form of validation that I wasn't just a disposable pair of worn jeans to her. But so far there has been no indication that I was anything more than just that in her eyes.

Do the BPD's who make no contact post break-up do so because they truly have forgotten about us as soon as we are out of sight? Or because we are so evil to them that they feel justified in not contacting? Or because it is for the best in any normal break-up for 2 people not to contact one another, and I am just not getting with that? Any insight would be appreciated.

[strangetrip]

Good question, I don't know... .I have been wondering the same thing... .Mine lived with me for year and half and we were engaged.  We broke up for last time and she married anothe dude two weeks later... .From the logic I have learned here she split and turned him white and me black. Because of that I believe she thinks I should be punished for ruining her life and smashing her dreams of big wedding and honeymoon etc. She had been planning all of that last few months... .I don't see her contacting me (re-engaging)... .I think she is so obsessed with making that marriage work she will not contact me for long time if at all... .maybe when he goes black she might. But, I have seen her turn some close friends black and never contact them again... .maybe it is different since I was in long term intimate relationship with her... guess only time will tell. Iam not going to loose any sleep over it... .Iam glad she is gone and glad all the insane drama is gone and feel I dodge a serious bullet by not marrying her... .

[Fruit Loop]

My break-up was the same way.  She didn't want to discuss it.  She didn't even want to be at the house when I picked up my stuff.  I know she has a new boyfriend.  Maybe that's the difference.  I spent every free minute over the last 20 months with her.  I made her my life.  Now nothing.  Not even a "hope your doing well" text. It hurts doesn't it.

[OnceConfused]

Be thankful that they are gone forever and for good.

Why do we need them to contact us after leaving ? What good does it do?

To see who can have the last word?

For them to continue to inflict the pain and craziness into our lives again?

[centella]

Hi SteveMc

No one can really know what's going on in someone else's mind. And this worths so much for pwBPD as it worths for normal people. Through my experience, there are a few suppositions to consider, but they all may be wrong. She might be giving you the silence treatment so that you worry with her and initiate contact. She might be victimizing herself like "he never understood me, and now he'll have nothing but my silence and he will feel how much he needs me". She might have moved on and therefore it wouldn't make any sense to keep any contact with you --some pwBPD do cut the cord suddenly and permanently. She might have realized the damage she has done to you, and remaining in silence is a way to protect you from her. She might actually love you but be aware at the same time of who she is and that to keep in contact with you would only make things more difficult on both. Sometimes to cut the cord, is just the easier way to go and this applies to all relationships, especially if they were pretty intense. If you were determined to leave her, and if you did, then take advantage on the fact that there's no contact to actually move on with your life. Keep and nourish the good memories you have from her, because they were real and they have meant so much for you as they meant for her. But all things have a proper time to happen, and now perhaps it's time to let go of the past and heal.

x

[ozzanoid24]

My break-up was the same way.  She didn't want to discuss it.  She didn't even want to be at the house when I picked up my stuff.  I know she has a new boyfriend.  Maybe that's the difference.  I spent every free minute over the last 20 months with her.  I made her my life.  Now nothing.  Not even a "hope your doing well" text. It hurts doesn't it.

100% the same way you are feeling man.  But think about it, maybe I am helping my own post by reading others like yours.

Same  amount of time as well.   If u hear back from her, what are you going to be thinking? Oh that she wants you and everything will be fine"?  I have realised this that THAT IS NEVER THE CASE.  They only contact you when its convienent for them. They want something from you.  You getting a "hope your doing well text" is just about her taking the power back when you pitifully respond back to her.  You will feel worse after it happens. Responding to her .,  here is an assert from a quote about BPD  break-ups,

" if she calls or "checks in" to see how you're doing in the aftermath of this relationship, it's never  about you! Your needs didn't matter while she was with you, and they don't matter now. You may feel grateful she seems to care enough to keep the connection alive--but her sole purpose is keeping you around to meet her needs (no matter what she says to the contrary). A three year old hasn't developed any capacity for empathy (that comes much later on), so don't presume that she's calling for your sake.

[TonyC]

i think somewhere in them is the offical its over... .sign... and something drops it down...

a word , a gesture... and they know it from past experiences... .so they offically close it... and move on... .

if your asking why some dont re-engagement... .some also have this grandious feeling... that everyone else is a screw up... .and they are wonderful... .so why should i contact them...

it all depend on the person... .and thier severity... .

and then maybe its one other thing... .

some realtionships just end... .BPD or not... .

[Indigo Sky]

Hi SteveMc,

People with Personality disorders have unstable relationships. It isnt you. Its them. It doesnt matter who they are with.

From what I have read when they enter relationship they are unable to deal with problems or stress or intamacy, they use different techniques to avoid ever facing them, all relationships have problems and stress, healthy people can sit down and work through most of the problems, they can not, eventually the problems and stress build to a point where they leave for another, their leaving has nothing to do with us NON's, relationship change is how they deal with problems and stress and intamacy.

It's a difficult concept, but once you understand why they do and say the things they do, you focus less on what they have done or said to hurt us... .

For some, them not contacting is how they handle their problems, like a child, they close their eyes and the problem is gone. Contact with their past partners would be a reminder of their past, a past that they cant deal with.

Never take personally what they say or do.

I have also read that our exes never give us any validation. They cant. They just arent emotionally capable of this. Validation goes back to them dealing with and acknowledging the relationship and the problems. They will never take this road.

Maybe it would help imagining your ex as a 6 year old child emotionally. There emotional state is very very fragile.

I think you are one of the lucky ones in not being contacted. Its my own personal opinion.

All us NONs are important. We have value. As you start to rebuild your life, you will regain your confidence, you will return to your old self, and hopefully even be stronger and better after this experience.

Best wishes,

[sandyb]

It is perplexing to experience this clinical cutoff, I do not believe it comes from a place to spare you from further anguish and hurt although in truth it is a blessing (however painful and confusing it seems right now.) About a week after the split I had visited my exgf, (she had just pulled the shutters down and refused to communicate with me) I was still in complete shock over this seemingly crazy split. I asked her "were you ever going to speak to me again?"

Her response was "I just lock things away" So I have been erased? "yes"

It is almost two years since my exgf ended our relationship, I was contacted once 3 months out by her basically saying that I was better off without her because she was so coldhearted and crabby.

Never heard a word since.


To be perfectly honest though, you need the toxic effect of additional contact like you need a hurricane in your garden. It wouldn't make you feel any better, in fact it would probably just amp up the intensity of you feelings, leave you more confused and hurting

There are hundreds of people on here who would be overjoyed to be free of the unwanted contact they routinely endure, at least we only had to live the hell once.

Sandyb

[LeroyBrown]

This is an interesting question. I know what you mean about the disposable feeling too, SteveMc. It's incredibly painful.

In my case, when she left up a ton of evidence on her FB page (I personally think for me to see and be hurt) of her romping around, I pulled the plug. The last thing I ever said to her was, "Have a good night." Her response was, "You too." As soon as that conversation ended, I took one look at her FB page (as she had implied that photos of something else were up that I might like to see) and almost threw up with the pain. I used that moment of anger, hurt, disgust, and confusion (though anger won out) to block her FB page, email, Gchat, and phone. All in one fell swoop.

I unblocked her phone number b/c I wanted to know if she would squirm or not. I was curious to see if she cared at all about me or knew what she did to me. I got 5 text messages over the next 2 months (the most recent being almost 2 months ago), and not a single one acknowledged anything. It was as if nothing had ever happened and that there was no understanding on her part that it's not okay to drain someone emotionally, give them incessant romantic vibes (we weren't "together" at the time), but then subtlely advertise to the world (and me specifically) that you enjoy casual sex with several other men.

So, in essence, I don't think you want those texts/re-engages, SteveMc or anyone else. I know you think you want them, because I did VERY much (and sometimes still do hope for that sincere apology that's never coming). What I got instead was more salt into the wound with each text. Hell, one even said that she "hoped I was doing well and best wishes in the new year!". The point is, everytime she texted me something random/cryptic it only said to me - "What I did to you is not important enough to me to acknowledge so don't bank on that happening. Forget about it and let's go back to the way things were." Or something like that, dig?

In solidarity,

Leroy Brown

[SheWasAFriendOfMine]

I got 5 text messages over the next 2 months (the most recent being almost 2 months ago), and not a single one acknowledged anything. It was as if nothing had ever happened and that there was no understanding on her part that it's not okay to drain someone emotionally

For me this is the one single most baffling aspect of my whole mess with uexBPDgf.  It's lik ethe most recent abuse and insults never happened.  Never mind the whole fake relationship thing.

They really are children when it comes to emotional development.

[rosebud]

For me this is the one single most baffling aspect of my whole mess with uexBPDgf.  It's lik ethe most recent abuse and insults never happened.  Never mind the whole fake relationship thing.

They really are children when it comes to emotional development.[/quote]
Mine likened it to releasing a little balloon... .*poof*... gone.  This was in response to his adult son, who waited all his life to get something off his chest in response to his father's raging at him in the moment.  I couldn't believe it.  Didn't know what to say when he told me of this encounter.  His son's a good kid.  His abuse never happened... .poof went the balloon... .gone.  No reflection, no nothing.  His son (conditioned) ended up apologizing a week later for once in his life losing his cool when his dad was raging at him and saying hurtful things.

So, yeah I know all the crazy abuse I endured will never be acknowledged.  It just didn't happen.  Revising history.

No contact needed, thanks.

[jfa686]

as simple as it isn't... .i think they were not TRUE friends ?

[iwillsurvive]

Do the BPD's who make no contact post break-up do so because they truly have forgotten about us as soon as we are out of sight? Or because we are so evil to them that they feel justified in not contacting? Or because it is for the best in any normal break-up for 2 people not to contact one another, and I am just not getting with that? Any insight would be appreciated.

I wonder this also.  NC with my exBF for near 5 mos. 

I think there are several reasons for them not contacting and some of the answers from the OP's were very insightful.  I have to remember that the times when my exBF broke up with me in the past, I thought he would never contact me because it appeared that he had sufficiently moved on.  But then, I would hear from him and the cycle would continue.

This time, I'm not sure.  I would like to think it's because he realizes that he can't keep on doing this to me and he's left me alone because he cares about me and just knows he can't be in a relationship with me or anyone.  He said to me once when he broke up out of the blue, 'I can't do this anymore!  You want us to be together forever and I can't do "forever"... .that's just not me!" It's funny because he was the one for weeks before this comment, kept pressuring us to move forward and move in with each other.

He's right.  BPD/NPD's can't "do" forever because that's too scary for them. 

SteveMC... .I think I am finally starting to realize that we are the lucky ones for them not contacting us, as much as it hurts to be easily discarded.  It is giving me time to heal and hopefully move forward more quickly than if he were in contact with me.  I do, however, feel I am in contact with him every day because I see him all the time (neighbors) so that makes it difficult to truly move on.  I always wonder if he feels the same, as I am never "out of sight" to him, either.

~IWS

[WayneB73]

When my Ex left me she pritty quickly wanted no contact with me, in 3 months the only contact iv had from her is reply to my attempts...   attempts to win her back,   they all failed,    her long term friend told me she never goes back when she makes her mind up, she told me this her self 2 days later... .  My EX hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but she has all the symptoms and she treated me as a BPD would do... one strange thing i noticed is that hse keeps ex's no's going back a thew years so i ask my self whey if she never goes back... .

I have read that BPD's when they leave it is a case of out of sight out of mind, time for them helps them forget you...

Id bet my house my Ex will never contact me again...

[LeroyBrown]

You want us to be together forever and I can't do "forever"... .that's just not me!" It's funny because he was the one for weeks before this comment, kept pressuring us to move forward and move in with each other.

Wow, IWS. This brought up something I guess I was suppressing. Right after uBPDxgf and I became involved she said, "I can't do happily ever after anymore. It's more like happily after now." Not surprisingly, she made it sound as if the reason she felt this way was because of a past relationship(s?) so I didn't think too much of it at the time, because I was sure that I could "prove her wrong". I believe I actually said that at one point too.

In solidarity,

Leroy Brown

[iwillsurvive]

LB,

Uncanny some of the same stuff comes out of their mouths.  Unreal.  I sometimes feel like I was dealing with a cartoon character.

I hope you are doing well!

IWS

[iceman10]

My exBPDgf 2.5 years left me out of the blue. We were engaged. No fights and I treated her well. One phonecall and it was over. When we spoke it was like speaking to a small child. The day before she said she loved me. Never heard from her since then (2 month). She did not reply my emails. No phone calls - nothing.

My therapist told me she is like a child. She is in a denial process and holds her hands before her eyes. If she doesn't see me she doesn't feel me. I do not even exist to her. Erased from her twisted brain. And she is not sorry because there is no emphaty.

What hurts so much is that there is no closure, no good-bye, nothing.

[iwillsurvive]

iceman,

I am sorry you had to go through that.  It is excruciatingly painful to be left high and dry, without an explanation.

The thing with these relationships is the "they left so suddenly" part.  I know that all of us here have been in relationships with people where you knew the end was sort of near because of varying degrees of clues that you have.  With these relationships, one minute you are idolized and the next minute you are soo not what they want in life that they need to discard you.

I almost am starting to accept that my exBF is no longer in my life, but what is SO hard for me to accept is being so easily dismissed.

IWS

[lieslieslies]

When my Ex left me she pritty quickly wanted no contact with me, in 3 months the only contact iv had from her is reply to my attempts...   attempts to win her back,   they all failed,    her long term friend told me she never goes back when she makes her mind up, she told me this her self 2 days later... .  My EX hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but she has all the symptoms and she treated me as a BPD would do... one strange thing i noticed is that hse keeps ex's no's going back a thew years so i ask my self whey if she never goes back... .

I have read that BPD's when they leave it is a case of out of sight out of mind, time for them helps them forget you...

Id bet my house my Ex will never contact me again...

hi,


hope she ain´t in here snooping... .

3L

[lieslieslies]

Hi SteveMc

No one can really know what's going on in someone else's mind. And this worths so much for pwBPD as it worths for normal people. Through my experience, there are a few suppositions to consider, but they all may be wrong. She might be giving you the silence treatment so that you worry with her and initiate contact. She might be victimizing herself like "he never understood me, and now he'll have nothing but my silence and he will feel how much he needs me". She might have moved on and therefore it wouldn't make any sense to keep any contact with you --some pwBPD do cut the cord suddenly and permanently. She might have realized the damage she has done to you, and remaining in silence is a way to protect you from her. She might actually love you but be aware at the same time of who she is and that to keep in contact with you would only make things more difficult on both. Sometimes to cut the cord, is just the easier way to go and this applies to all relationships, especially if they were pretty intense. If you were determined to leave her, and if you did, then take advantage on the fact that there's no contact to actually move on with your life. Keep and nourish the good memories you have from her, because they were real and they have meant so much for you as they meant for her. But all things have a proper time to happen, and now perhaps it's time to let go of the past and heal.

x

hi c and warmly welcome here,



I must say, for to be new in here You have spoted so many right "might" in redmarket quotes that I took the liberty to refer to

1. mine did to, even put me on RO to have me violate it, but she contacyed me prompr when I wasn´t responding anymore.

2. such odd thinoking they have... .

3. these words "I have moved on" is om their lips before the door clicks.

4. this one is the best, as put in this form, "You deserve someone better than me" (mostly after they been cheating).

5.see 4. wow she thought about us for a change... .

again none of the above was wrong as you wrote, totally the opposite IMO. thanks

3L

[2010]

you need the toxic effect of additional contact like you need a hurricane in your garden.

I love this quote, SandyB. It gives the exact visual that I need. And it's so true. I cannot tell you how many times I got my garden back to life and had it completely destroyed. Now I know better.

For those of you that haven't experienced the return of the Hurricane- let me say that it's out there- and waiting offshore. Given a chance it will come back into your life and make your World a holy hell. They always come back. Not now, not next year- but in a decade or two. You'll see.  And that is because you hold a reservoir of malignant nostalgia for them. You hold their memories, however paranoid the ex feels- they somehow know- they will always be forgiven. It's in their code.

They just need time to re-write things; to glorify, miss and mourn the past. You were there- you hold the key. You hold them in such esteem that you are a magic time capsule.  The older your Ex gets, and the less the available outlets to use and abuse- the more they begin to recycle past glory. That's you.

Be prepared. It will come at a time when you least expect it- and when you have forgotten all about them.

They're like Quicksilver, the ancient term for toxic mercury. And like mercury, they'll adhere to elemental gold, covering it completely. At low dosages, you can experience mild fatigue, irritability, loss of memory, vivid dreams, and depression. At high doses, profound central nervous system effects and suicidal tendencies.  Even breathing the vapors can cloud your mind.

You've got to be good to yourself and teach yourself to stay away from poisonous substances. That includes obsessive thought, which is really a toxic vapor. It sort of twists into your daily thoughts like smoke. Try to think of your ex that way.  :)o something to clear the air. Get up go out and take a walk.

Be proactive. Soon enough and with a little bit of time- you'll get through this torturous toxicity and clean out the residue. And if you don't feel strong enough to get outside- if you're too depressed- get up and clean the kitchen sink. It's what I did. It's a start and a good one.

[lieslieslies]

hi 2010,

lots of giid posting in this thread and as You said above so well... .beware, thats why they never let us feel total CLOSURE, and to keep us as back-burners on their stowe. NC in 9 month now on mt inition, but full closure, oh no.

3L

[jfa686]

Thank you 2010... .your insight is very helpful.   

[iceman10]

iceman,

I am sorry you had to go through that.  It is excruciatingly painful to be left high and dry, without an explanation.

The thing with these relationships is the "they left so suddenly" part.  I know that all of us here have been in relationships with people where you knew the end was sort of near because of varying degrees of clues that you have.  With these relationships, one minute you are idolized and the next minute you are soo not what they want in life that they need to discard you.

I almost am starting to accept that my exBF is no longer in my life, but what is SO hard for me to accept is being so easily dismissed.

IWS

I know what triggered my exBPDgf to flip from white to black (love/hate). A couple of weeks before I was dumped I had the swine flu. That remembered her of her father who was a sick alcoholic. All her memories from her childhood were back. She had a real bad childhood.

Then she had a couple of rages with silent treatment  |>. Impossible to talk to her about the events. I recovered quickly from the flue but now I was a bad man. I became the trigger for her rages. She started to blame me for things she liked before. Then she dumped me. So there were some red flags before. She has children with two different men. I was the 4th man to be dumped. She told me the other three men were losers but I was different  |>. And I believed her. She is now out looking for object No 5.

[Dorian]

SteveMC,

I've thought a lot about this.  Some BPDs have more narcissism than others and when they have a big dose of narcissism (NPD+BPD) I think they are less likely to maintain contact.  A narcissist will attach themselves to a person who serves as their Narcissistic Supply Source (NSS).  When you date a narcissist you are the NSS. But if they grow tired of you or you are no longer functioning adequately as an NSS, they will find a new one and you will no longer be

Mine is NPD+BPD and she treats everyone around her like actors in a play. When she decided to dump me it was because she had changed the script and there was no role left for me.  The new guy fit the new role that she had chosen for herself (club girl instead of good wife).

Here's a link on NPD that's helped me to understand what I've been through dating and marrying a BPD+NPD woman.

www.echo.me.uk/NPD3.htm

[centella]

When my Ex left me she pritty quickly wanted no contact with me, in 3 months the only contact iv had from her is reply to my attempts...   attempts to win her back,   they all failed,    her long term friend told me she never goes back when she makes her mind up, she told me this her self 2 days later... .  My EX hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but she has all the symptoms and she treated me as a BPD would do... one strange thing i noticed is that hse keeps ex's no's going back a thew years so i ask my self whey if she never goes back... .

I have read that BPD's when they leave it is a case of out of sight out of mind, time for them helps them forget you...

Id bet my house my Ex will never contact me again...

hi,


hope she ain´t in here snooping... .

3L

Lol... .nice. For the first time after 3 days of incessant crying this has made me genuinely smile. :-) I'm glad that through all the tragedy and drama we can still keep our sense of humor. Thanks! 

[Satori1964]

This is really a great topic!

I really had to think about this for a while.  My gut is telling me that she will never contact me again. The reason I am saying that is because we had a long, difficult and very painful relationship. It came from both sides. Very early on I knew intellectually that she has deep seeded emotional problems and because of that I could not commit myself to her.  Emotionally it was a whole different ballgame and that is what made the relationship so painful and difficult. We both could not let go.  She once told me verbatim "I know that I am screwed up." and I sense that her having contact with me will remind her I am the one who rejected her, that I know who she really is and because of the past. 

I'm glad it is over and consider myself to be lucky to have her out of my life once and for all.  It's time for me to heal. 

- Ciao

[Finding_Myself_again]

Be thankful that they are gone forever and for good.

Why do we need them to contact us after leaving ? What good does it do?

To see who can have the last word?

For them to continue to inflict the pain and craziness into our lives again?

I couldn't agree more with this. 

I know you are in a lot of pain right now but every day it gets a little better, you still think a lot about what happened but you spend more time on yourself and you can feel it getting better and then... .bang contact and you are back at square 1.

If they don't contact you count it as a blessing.  Them renewing contact each and every time opens the wound again.

I have to work with him, have to hear him make comments about his girlfriend hear him laught and I need to feel how everytime when he passes me he touches me and eventhough I already asked him to stop, he continues.  Would you really want to go through this.  I was doing so good as he was on the other side of the world and I didn't hear from him for 10 days.  I felt myself getting better every minute and Saturday for the first time in months I was making some crafts for easter and I forgot the time and before I realised I had spent 4 hours without thinking once about him.

Then today, he walks into the office, I just say politely goodmorning and don't look twice at  him and felt good about it.  Then 10 minutes later he comes to my desk and gives me in front of the other earrings he bought for me while on businesstrip.  Yep, he did it again.

So please although it hurts, be glad they don't contact you, you won't feel better only worse and they know it.  They don't care about us, the moment they contact us is just because they want something from you.  He needed comfort today as mummy dearest called him to tell him his cat died,... .so no nothing to do with me, only him and who needs such a relationship.

FMA

[strangetrip]

It came from both sides. Very early on I knew intellectually that she has deep seeded emotional problems and because of that I could not commit myself to her.  Emotionally it was a whole different ballgame and that is what made the relationship so painful and difficult. We both could not let go.  She once told me verbatim "I know that I am screwed up." and I sense that her having contact with me will remind her I am the one who rejected her, that I know who she really is and because of the past. 

I'm glad it is over and consider myself to be lucky to have her out of my life once and for all.  It's time for me to heal. 

Wow, this is exatcly what I thought and felt... .I could have written this about my exBPDgf... .amazing!