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Author Topic: You're not listening  (Read 2333 times)
RedRightHand
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« on: June 30, 2010, 04:10:41 PM »

in the middle of conversation... .

BPD EX GF: "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!"

Confused Me: "What?... .I am listening"

BPD EX GF: "NO YOU ARE NOT!"

I would then repeat back and paraphrase to show that she was both heard and understood. She would then accuse me of using a "trick"... .and eventually I discovered she thought I was using the "trick" to make myself "sound smarter". Huh?

This happened toward the end of our relationship when I was still unaware she was a BPD. It was painful and confused the heck out of me at the time. My confusion led me to try to understand and the more I tried to understand... .the more confused I became and the more I got accused of not listening.

I now have come to believe that her accusation was a projection.
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goldenblunder
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« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2010, 04:33:37 PM »

It's not that you were not listening, its that you weren't hanging on her every word.  You were't showing the necessary amount of enthusiasm for what she is saying.  I used to be a master of faking it.

Puke.
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RedRightHand
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« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2010, 04:46:50 PM »

HAHA... .That is so funny that you said that because I amost included that in my post that " I used to hang on her every word" and that was how I could repeat back... .it wasn't a trick.

I do agree with your point but I believe it was that her perception was that I wasn't hanging on her every word. In my head I WAS hanging on her every word.

That really made me laugh. Thanks for the reply!
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NIO
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« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2010, 04:50:31 PM »

"look, it`s a full moon tonight"

"no it isn`t"

"honey, it is look- it`s right there"

"It isn`t you idiot"

"ok, what is it then?"

(cloud cover obscures moon for a minute)

"It isn`t  and anyway you can`t even see it anymore, so i was right "



irrational is as irritional does. Yes, rrh, confusion reigns , friend.
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Vital Signs
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« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2010, 05:32:43 PM »

I used to get that all the time, face to face and on the phone, and often I was just trying to explain something about a situation, or how I felt about something ( having many times softly mentioning that we should be able to quietly listen to the others feelings/thoughts, and points of view ... .even if we didn't agree, which was ok... .she instantly took the conversation over and talked about herself... .I used to get so desperate when she`d scream out time and time again "You re NOT listening"... .and stormed out the door yelling at me that I was starting up again and being so negative and she just couldnt take it anymore and I should realise that I turn everybody away ( thats why nobody visits me she said pffff ) and the last words were that I should see a shrink... ."Ive really had ENOUGH of you... .GOODBYE!

PS... .As she walked at speed with a most troubled expression on her chops towards her car, I just always in totally amazement stood there shell shock, sledge-hammered and completely bewildered... .it all shock me to the core, and still does... .
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2010
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« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2010, 05:34:34 PM »

The Waif is extremely sensitive to rejection and to criticism and expects to be punished. This is due to the negative effects of punitive, shaming and authoritative parenting on a child who wasn't able to express themselves freely. Therefore, Waifs have no idea how to speak about their inner turmoil and fall into despair. Looking for a rescuer, the Waif seeks to replace their parent in the romantic realm and finally be heard. Then the Waif projects the very same punitive, punishing behavior onto the romantic partner for failure to allow the Waif to express herself. Meanwhile the romantic partner wishes to rescue and puts their own feelings on hold. The Waif has obliterated the rescuers needs and feelings for her own. This is the lack of empathy of Borderlines. Waifs are unable to comprehend anyone elses pain but their own. It is a disorder of learned helplessness.

Unfortunately, No one can save a person that doesn't want to be saved. the only thing left to do is save yourself. A life with a Borderline is one filled with false beliefs, fabrication, distortion and deceit. Never forget that you are a stand-in for her parent. And that's not a fair concept to trade on.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2010, 05:43:08 PM »

The Waif is extremely sensitive to rejection and to criticism and expects to be punished. This is due to the negative effects of punitive, shaming and authoritative parenting on a child who wasn't able to express themselves freely. Therefore, Waifs have no idea how to speak about their inner turmoil and fall into despair. Looking for a rescuer, the Waif seeks to replace their parent in the romantic realm and finally be heard. Then the Waif projects the very same punitive, punishing behavior onto the romantic partner for failure to allow the Waif to express herself. Meanwhile the romantic partner wishes to rescue and puts their own feelings on hold. The Waif has obliterated the rescuers needs and feelings for her own. This is the lack of empathy of Borderlines. Waifs are unable to comprehend anyone elses pain but their own. It is a disorder of learned helplessness.

Unfortunately, No one can save a person that doesn't want to be saved. the only thing left to do is save yourself. A life with a Borderline is one filled with false beliefs, fabrication, distortion and deceit. Never forget that you are a stand-in for her parent. And that's not a fair concept to trade on.

Bang on.

She'd argue black was white till the end, like the examples above about the moon, mine argued that a leaf was a gecko, even though everyone around the table could see clearly it was a leaf... just one of the endless examples that I found... in the end, quite embarressing, this particular one being infront of my family on my first time of introducing her.

And then, as 2010 says, at the end, even given all the emotional space and freedom anyone could be afforded I was accused of stifling her!

Don't try to understand it, its just disordered. So glad not to have her around me saying that waffle anymore... and, I have a date tomorrow. Onwards and Upwards!
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NIO
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« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2010, 05:47:44 PM »

Woohoo Turtle... .  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)     good luck tomorrow... .let us know how it goes
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JDub

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« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2010, 06:09:46 PM »

WOW! for some reason i thought i was the only one who went through this type of torment! my Ex GF was always accusing me of not listening then would give me the silent treatment and/or go off on me afterwardsm leaving me confused
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othello
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« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2010, 09:11:40 PM »

in the middle of conversation... .

BPD EX GF: "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!"

Confused Me: "What?... .I am listening"

BPD EX GF: "NO YOU ARE NOT!"

I would then repeat back and paraphrase to show that she was both heard and understood. She would then accuse me of using a "trick"... .and eventually I discovered she thought I was using the "trick" to make myself "sound smarter". Huh?

This happened toward the end of our relationship when I was still unaware she was a BPD. It was painful and confused the heck out of me at the time. My confusion led me to try to understand and the more I tried to understand... .the more confused I became and the more I got accused of not listening.

I now have come to believe that her accusation was a projection.

Holy cow... .are you kidding me?  You could have just as well have written something about one of the last conversations I had with MY exudBPDgf - she did the whole "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING" thing to me, and I was like 'why would you go and be so deliberately inflammatory and/or derogatory, when you know full well I was and have been listening and talking with you" - I further stated that in the past, she would say stuff like that just to get me fired up and angry - as I understandably would be after being accused blatantly of not listening... .  and the minute she got that reaction from me, she could play the victim yet again, blame me for things, and the attention is shifted away from her / her faults / her responsibilities... .

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RedRightHand
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« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2010, 09:30:08 PM »



" I further stated that in the past, she would say stuff like that just to get me fired up and angry - as I understandably would be after being accused blatantly of not listening... . and the minute she got that reaction from me, she could play the victim yet again, blame me for things, and the attention is shifted away from her / her faults / her responsibilities... ."



Thank you for adding this. I agree with this statement but for me it was more fired up and upset/hurt instead of angry. Same results though... .it was a reaction that still allowed her to play victim.

Yes it is truly scary how similar are the stories of those of us who were in relationships with true BPDs!
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letitgo
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« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2010, 02:36:20 AM »

2010:  WOW!

Turtlesoup: "a leaf is a gecko" hahahaha--too funny!
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goldenblunder
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« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2010, 06:53:28 AM »

The Waif is extremely sensitive to rejection and to criticism and expects to be punished. This is due to the negative effects of punitive, shaming and authoritative parenting on a child who wasn't able to express themselves freely. Therefore, Waifs have no idea how to speak about their inner turmoil and fall into despair. Looking for a rescuer, the Waif seeks to replace their parent in the romantic realm and finally be heard. Then the Waif projects the very same punitive, punishing behavior onto the romantic partner for failure to allow the Waif to express herself. Meanwhile the romantic partner wishes to rescue and puts their own feelings on hold. The Waif has obliterated the rescuers needs and feelings for her own. This is the lack of empathy of Borderlines. Waifs are unable to comprehend anyone elses pain but their own. It is a disorder of learned helplessness.

Unfortunately, No one can save a person that doesn't want to be saved. the only thing left to do is save yourself. A life with a Borderline is one filled with false beliefs, fabrication, distortion and deceit. Never forget that you are a stand-in for her parent. And that's not a fair concept to trade on.

I am going to copy this, print it out, and keep it with me.  It's probably the best, most concise statement of the problem that I dealt with in my relationship.  Thanks.
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angry hurt
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« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2010, 07:00:42 AM »

YUP exactly this has happened to me to with my exBPD gf .

Its amazing how similar they all act and say the same things
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DAS
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« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2010, 01:13:10 PM »

"look, it`s a full moon tonight"

"no it isn`t"

"honey, it is look- it`s right there"

"It isn`t you idiot"

"ok, what is it then?"

(cloud cover obscures moon for a minute)

"It isn`t  and anyway you can`t even see it anymore, so i was right "



irrational is as irritional does. Yes, rrh, confusion reigns , friend.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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unortel
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« Reply #15 on: July 02, 2010, 01:17:50 PM »

My favorite is "that is not what you meant to say"?  After she said that I realized that she does that to a lot of her conversations with others.  Now i listen carefully  for what I have said
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raven9171

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« Reply #16 on: July 02, 2010, 05:58:23 PM »

   

      My ex BPD NPD bf was always telling me that I never listened to him.  The problem was that he only talked about himself 24/7.
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lets
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« Reply #17 on: July 02, 2010, 06:11:37 PM »

My ex (BPD/NPD) always accused me of not listening to him and not following through on what he 'told me' to do because of course I didn't listen so how could I do what I was 'told'

This always was followed by "I hate when you say the automatic No'.  He would say I wasn't listening, I would say yes I am- and from there it would go- me being defensive- #1 on 'my' list of things to change.
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2idealistic
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« Reply #18 on: July 02, 2010, 08:10:26 PM »

The Waif is extremely sensitive to rejection and to criticism and expects to be punished. This is due to the negative effects of punitive, shaming and authoritative parenting on a child who wasn't able to express themselves freely. Therefore, Waifs have no idea how to speak about their inner turmoil and fall into despair. Looking for a rescuer, the Waif seeks to replace their parent in the romantic realm and finally be heard. Then the Waif projects the very same punitive, punishing behavior onto the romantic partner for failure to allow the Waif to express herself. Meanwhile the romantic partner wishes to rescue and puts their own feelings on hold. The Waif has obliterated the rescuers needs and feelings for her own. This is the lack of empathy of Borderlines. Waifs are unable to comprehend anyone elses pain but their own. It is a disorder of learned helplessness.

Unfortunately, No one can save a person that doesn't want to be saved. the only thing left to do is save yourself. A life with a Borderline is one filled with false beliefs, fabrication, distortion and deceit. Never forget that you are a stand-in for her parent. And that's not a fair concept to trade on.

2010:

I think you just helped me figure out that in the case of my BPDex, I was the romantic replacement/rescuer for the parent who was not there to rescue her from sexual abuse as a child from another family member.  And yet, once I learned about this horrific trauma, I gradually, then suddenly turned to black in spite of the tremendous compassion, empathy, and understanding I had in light of her increasingly erratic behavior, infidelities, lies, fabrications, projections, etc. Eventually, she blamed me for putting the idea in her head that the replacement for me had date raped her while she as under the influence of alcohol--her confusing and nonsensical explanation for her "fling" with another man.
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MTTYBNAMAT

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« Reply #19 on: July 03, 2010, 09:14:05 AM »

2010

Wow that explains my exBPD gf so much. I struggled a lot after our breakup as to why she would want to end it with someone who was so compassionate and understanding  and wanted nothing but the best for her. I was always  listening to her complain about anything and everyone,never putting her in an environment that she would be uncomfortable with, tossing money at her in an attempt to make her happy. But in the end she tossed me aside as if I was the meanest prick on the planet. I still fall back into a rescuer mode of thinking when I read articles about  her illness is or about her traumatic childhood. But I also realize that she has a mental illness that is all about her and nothing I ever could do or say will ever truly help her long term. And I have peace with that   
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