SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?

[FallenOne]

You may not have noticed it, but it happened.

Don't be fooled by them.

[heartandwhole]

I read a few comments in the other thread that said pwBPD  ALWAYS cheat, that they ALL do, have or will.

Do you really think that's the case? 

No I don't. We can't take an individual with a personality disorder (or traits) and lump them into a category in which we can predict what they will do, are doing, have done. It just doesn't work.

Many, many people cheat, BPD or not. If we knew every person with BPD personally, and asked them to tell us if they ever cheated (and we somehow knew they were telling the truth), then we might be able to answer that question.

The disorder is marked by unstable emotions, a weak sense of self, impulsive actions, and fear of abandonment. Would that make it perhaps likely that given the opportunity, especially when feeling insecure about their relationship, that a pwBPD would latch onto another person for emotional support (including connecting sexually)? I think one could argue that it might. But we can't say ALL. That's like saying that ALL "Nons" are co-dependent, white-knighters, controlling, or narcissistic.

Azrimic, your ex sounds like she was very dependent on you. Do you have any reason to think that she cheated on you?

heartandwhole

[Azrimic]

Do you have any reason to think that she cheated on you?
heartandwhole

No, but then I'm just now starting to realise just how much of what she said to me was lies.  It has rather shaken my trust in myself, in my ability to judge people.

[heartandwhole]

No, but then I'm just now starting to realise just how much of what she said to me was lies.  It has rather shaken my trust in myself, in my ability to judge people.

I hear you. That happened to me, too. It was difficult and painful. If you can, try to stay focused on yourself and what you need to recover from this. I know it's not easy to do, but it will help a lot. Breaking up with someone with BPD can really affect our self-esteem and self-trust, but with time, these insecurities will pass—they did for me, and others, too.

Hang in there! 

heartandwhole

[alwayswrong4]

I know there's already a cheating thread running, but I have a question and didn't want to take that thread off topic... .

I read a few comments in the other thread that said pwBPD  ALWAYS cheat, that they ALL do, have or will.

Do you really think that's the case?  My ex would, by choice, stick by my side 24/7 if I let her.  Literally 24/7.  The clinginess was one of the things I found hardest to cope with.  So how would someone like that also be someone who would cheat given half a chance?

My girlfriend was with me 24/7 for almost 2 years. She was only away from me for a total of 10 nights when she went to visit her sick Mother in florida. She had no car to use while she was there, yet I do believe the one guy she new 3 hours away from her parents in florida. She cheated on me with. I also believe she was having an emotional affair via her phone.

[Pretty Woman]

Not ALL cheat but there is a high incidence of those that do.

Mine was a cheater. As FallenOne stated, I experienced the same thing almost verbatim. Mine would break up with me and disappear for a few weeks, a month at a time. It would be sudden and she would cut all contact, even change her number and threaten RO's on me. She would suddenly be on Match, or dating someone in our social group. When she realized it wasn't working or started getting overwhelmed by the "new attachment" she'd run back to me leaving those people confused as heck and in the same boat I was in.

I could always tell when there was interest in someone else. She would pick fights with me and say we should take a break. Her personality would be distant and very snappy. She'd be in the corner texting someone or all of a sudden put a lock on her phone.

Taking a break was ALWAYS to explore her other options (people she was secretly speaking to that were actual romantic interests). For the longest time I thought she was "reconnecting" with old friends. Turns out it was exes going through breakups or exes who were all of a sudden single and she was trying to get back with them. She would tell me she was going back to "the one who got away" or "the love of her life" but she would leave me for DIFFERENT PEOPLE EACH TIME.
Boy did she have  ALOT OF "Love of her life's"!
 
She once broke up with me right before the holidays to run off to spend time with her "best friend", an ex (but of course). When that person came down with the flu and cancelled on her, all of a sudden she was crawling back to me begging me to take her back.

It took me a long time to realize what she was doing. It took me close to four years.

Even if yours is a stage four clinger be wary of that "best friend" in the wings she talks about or the ex she is overly friendly with. In many cases these are romantic interests and part of her "rotation". Also watch if she is constantly texting others while with you, especially on vacations or any extended trip where you are spending more than normal time together. I found out on MANY trips my ex was texting other exes telling them how terrible I was, begging them to rescue her.

Yeah she needed rescuing from the romantic trip I paid for. .

I learned to keep my eyes and ears open. I was very trusting and had I really been observant I would have seen all this happening. In some situations it was glaringly obvious when I look at it in retrospect.



Again, not all BPD's are the same

[glaciercats]

Your story sounds a lot like mine Pretty Woman.  Mine is with someone new now.  But she said no matter what happens she will always be my "best friend".  And what that means to me is that she wants me hanging on if the new relationship doesn't work out.  I don't feel like we could ever be just friends.  There are no boundaries with her and I don't want to keep getting sucked back in to this whirlwind.

So much of what you said above sounds exactly like what she did.  When things didn't go the way she wanted the constant texting would start and hiding her phone so I couldn't read.  But what's funny is before that she would say I had total access to her phone.  Then once the texting started I wasn't allowed near her phone. 

It was constant lies and constant betrayal.  Never was she completely loyal to me.  We couldn't go anywhere at the end of the relationship because she was so wrapped up in her phone affairs that she couldn't focus on anything else.

I do believe most cheat.  They want that new honeymoon stage feeling because to them that's what love is.  And once the new wears off they are looking for a new rush.  And then it's just back and forth.  How unfulfilled they must be.

[Pretty Woman]

Glaciercats,
  After the final discard that is exactly what happened to me. Mine wanted to go grab a beer but reminded me she was with someone else and we would never be a couple again. This is a week after I spent 5k on a birthday for her and she called me the love of her life.

Years earlier I would have done anything to keep her interested. I would have accepted her offer of "friendship". Thank God for these boards and the countless articles I read on BPD during our breakups (she always initiated). I learned nothing would ever come of our friendship, nothing good and if she treated me so horribly as her lover and partner what would make her all of a sudden treat me better as a friend?

Nothing.

A friendship never existed. People who have any sense of respect for you would never treat you like this. Saying yes to a friendship is like signing up to have them push you out of a plane without a parachute.

Same thing. It's like you are volunteering for punishment and THAT is what we need to look at. Why are we willing to allow that?

[glaciercats]

Pretty Woman,

That all really hits home.  A friendship doesn't work with someone who has no sense of loyalty or trust.  She has no close friends so to speak of.  She has no old childhood friends even. 

I've got to realize no good will come of this to me.  It's time I respect myself more and be true to me.  All I would be to her is a option when things are going badly.  When she needs to be bailed out.  Then when things cooled off I wouldn't exist again.

This forum and talking to people like you has helped my realize so much. 

[Riguez]

My partner with BPD/NPD traits would breakup with me every few months and if we were apart for long would reactivate her dating site account.  She would say that she had gone on lots of dates but had only made friends.  Eventually one of those 'friends' was the guy she broke up with me for. 

I used to trust her and believed her promises that she would never cheat but looking back, I was naive.

I remember how she kindly told me on a picnic how she had been dating a professional sportsman sometime before me.  A couple of years later, she casually threw into a conversation that the sportsman's current girlfriend had sent her an email warning her off him.  To me that seemed bizarre and I didn't really believe that this woman had sent her a 'hands off' email without any provocation.  My ex had probably tried to recycle him behind my back. 

At the end of our relationship when I criticised her for maintaining an online relationship with another guy behind my back she angrily texted "I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON YOU!"  To her, that betrayal didn't even count as cheating.  In my experience, someone with this type of disorder doesn't take responsibility for any of their bad behaviour so why would they do anything but try to cover up their other romantic/sexual relationships?  Beware.

[lucky013]

Nope, she has never given me the silent treatment.  She would inundate me with texts and messages.

This is similar to me, she has never ignored my texts. Im usually the one to ignore her.
I have never said i wanted to be in a relationship or that i love her and brings this up often when arguing or which i just leave. However i have been in BPD relationships before and was cheating on several times, i believe it was because i gave them what they wanted and got bored.

[AustenJ]

I'm flipping through the pics on my phone as I'm sitting next to my exBPDgf and I try to impress her by showing her a picture of me with a local kid who pitched for the Cleveland Indians in this past World Series... .she laughs and says she "did" him... .she got set up with him by one of the Catholic families that she nannied (code for slept with fathers) for... .

[FallenOne]

To add to this more...

They take breaks, break up with you, and give the silent treatment when they cheat to mask the cheating aspect...

In their mind, it justifies the cheating...

"You cheated!" "No I didn't, we weren't together at the time, so what does it matter what I do?"

They do this so that if you do catch them or become suspicious that they were seeing someone else, they can justify it by saying you weren't together at the time.

[Huh?]

Have they ever given you the silent treatment for a few days, or "broken up" with you and needed some space for a week or two? Maybe a month? Has there ever been radio silence while you're away or at work? Have their stories ever added up or made sense?

Pretty much any time that you weren't around, that's when they were cheating.

I wouldn't be surprised if they were texting their other lover while you were hanging out, and then as soon as you part ways, they were hanging out with them.

They are very tactical and calculating with this stuff... .and it can take years to even realize something might be going on.

This x 10.  This is exactly how it happened with me.  Everytime she'd give me the silent treatment for weeks or months during our 5 year roller coaster relationship... .I found out the last time we got together my gut intuition was right when she admitted was seeing other people. Of course, they were just "friends" that "only wanted sex"... .so she didn't do anything with them.  Uh huh. Sure.

[infjEpic]

Do you really think that's the case?  My ex would, by choice, stick by my side 24/7 if I let her.  Literally 24/7.  The clinginess was one of the things I found hardest to cope with.  So how would someone like that also be someone who would cheat given half a chance?

Not sure if I commented in the other thread

From the forum stats, it seems like there is no cheating in 1 out of 10 cases. 6/10 confirmed and 3/10 suspect it but don't have proof.
Those aren't good odds.

As heartandwhole said, you can't just determine that they've cheated simply because they're BPD - but it does increases the chances given their disorder, and going by the stats, there is a high probability.

One of the giveaways is projection.
If they've ever suddenly and inexplicably began accusing you of cheating... .

Also, if you speak to your replacement who has been discarded, you'll probably find they're telling you to flip everything over, claiming the BPD is a pathological liar.
But if you ask about cheating, you'll find that oddly this is where their stories sync up... .

[Skip]

From the forum stats, it seems like there is no cheating in 1 out of 10 cases. 6/10 confirmed and 3/10 suspect it but don't have proof.
Those aren't good odds.

I read this survey to be 61% infidelity and a high bias.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136940

This compares to 43% infidelity (high bias) with a low bias in unmarried couples.
www.articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-10-15/features/sc-fam-1015-infidelity-20131015_1_infidelity-facebook-friend-facebook-profile

This 43% compares to 54% (high bias) in this site survey:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239774

Considering the bias, you might say relationships where 1 or more partners has a PD, the rate is 25% higher than the general population.

[balletomane]

He was shopping around for other partners while he was still with me. I didn't realise it at the time, although his behaviour at those times made me unhappy and anxious (he became more distant and cold with me, before springing back to full warmth). I only found out after the fact. I thought it was just part of his volatility. Now I know that he was cold while he was pursuing other women, and the affection flooded back when they turned him down. Eventually one of them said yes to him (she didn't know he was with me, he told her he'd been single for over a year!) and four days later he promptly discarded me for her. In his words: "I knew I'd have to tell you soon because you can read me like an open book." I felt incredibly hurt and used. He didn't seem to have any compunction that what he'd done was wrong - his one worry was that I might notice something was up before he'd told me.

Fast forward eighteen months, and I ended up talking to the woman he'd discarded me for. She was studying with him at university and she told me about the other cheating: he had asked one of their classmates out three months before he got together with her (that information hurt me but didn't surprise me) and he'd had a casual affair with another classmate that hadn't worked out (I'd suspected this but had tried to squash the suspicion out of my mind).

My ex is obsessed with the idea of his partners cheating on him and it was a common accusation. Now I know it was projection.

[Huh?]

I'm flipping through the pics on my phone as I'm sitting next to my exBPDgf and I try to impress her by showing her a picture of me with a local kid who pitched for the Cleveland Indians in this past World Series... .she laughs and says she "did" him... .she got set up with him by one of the Catholic families that she nannied (code for slept with fathers) for... .

Funny.  My first fiance who was a cluster b, and the one that brought me to this board six years ago was a nanny.  She wouldn't stop talking about how "amazing" the millionaire was she worked for... .and how I needed to be like him (a millionaire) I often wondered if she cheated on me with him, since she was always accusing me of cheating on her (Im extremely loyal) and her face glowed when she spoke of him.

I found out she ended up leaving that job shortly after I was dumped (to be with our neighbor)... .for a receptionist job, which I thought was weird and a major downgrade.  

[Mrb87]

Many sexual affairs! He even cheated on the people he was cheating on me with, all while complaining about how his ex cheating on him to everyone involved in the affairs. His ex didn't cheat on him, they moved on without his approval. He cheated on his ex and pushed the ex away to the point where it was unbearable and they had no choice. The ex got him into treatment but he began judging the therapist and that went downhill. So he gave up on him and moved on without doing the back and forth game that hes use to playing. and without giving him his final goodbye... .Then he had the nerve to accuse me of cheating. I NEVER CHEATED ONCE or gave the feeling of me cheating! When confronted about the cheating he gave me the weirds excuses that flipped and flopped around and made absolutely zero sense (extremely confusing for me). Now i'm at the point of where the ex was. He watched his parents strange sexual behaviors and cheating dysfunctional ways growing up and i think that has permanently rubbed off on him to where he thinks its normal and he has no responsibility for his actions and everyone else is the problem and not him. But im holding to my rules and boundaries and if i get disrespected again he knows it 100 percent a done deal for us. The relationship is about 85% done anyway.

[once removed]

i voted "i suspect something but dont know for sure", but i really do.

there were a few incidents. theyre pretty blurry now.

1. in the last year, year and a half or so of our relationship the state fair came up. we were gonna go. i remember she contacted me apologizing, saying shed been invited to the fair and was gonna go, and that wed still go. i thought nothing of it. it came up later a couple of times. she denied the conversation, or ever going. then, in front of me, she described going to someone else. i asked her about it, and she was evasive, saying something along the lines of "thats not what i meant". something felt off about this, even though i could not have cared less about her going to the fair. i decided for myself that shed been, and was hiding it, but i let it go. then one day im sitting there actually watching as shes being tagged in photos from the fair. she asks me what im doing, and i tell her what i just typed: "sitting here watching you being tagged in pictures from the fair". she goes on some long apology about how shed totally forgotten and didnt mean to lie to me.

that one was really weird. but for several reasons, im not sure, and tend to doubt she cheated on me at the fair, but something off happened. it was a group of friends, but maybe she was there with someone she had cheated with.

2. when we first got together she told me a very vague story about a guy that used to live below her, that she saw, and had a sexual relationship with for about three months. she told me that every once in a while, he would "get drunk" and text her that he wanted to come over, or was heading over. he came up a couple of times, and she was very, very vague about it (unusual for her). fast forward to nearly the end of our relationship. we hadnt seen each other for quite a while. i had wondered, given her difficulty being apart, how she had coped. all of a sudden she freaks out. she says that same guy had texted her, "drunk", saying he was coming over. she said she told him no but didnt know if he was still coming. shes extremely nervous. i saw her phone and noticed she deleted the conversation. called her on it. dont remember the rest.

i let all of this stuff go because i hated her interrogations and accusations of cheating, and thought if i let it go, shed be more likely to cut me the same slack. and it wasnt just that. i believed she was incapable of cheating, and that cheating wasnt even available to her. i knew she was being secretive, for whatever reason, but i figured as long as i believed she hadnt cheated, id let it go.

3. she told me a pretty elaborate story about how she just barely escaped being raped. i know this is a touchy subject, but it was not a believable story. i believed it until it became clear her friends, whom she was with, and supposedly saved her, knew nothing about it. i came to believe that this was, for her, a sort of "confession".

4. toward the end of our relationship, she started developing a group of friends that, i wouldnt say i was necessarily kept from, but definitely never introduced to, or heard details about. many of them guys. many of these same guys were, i would realize later, flirting with her on her facebook.

5. after we broke up, i discovered she had a twitter account, and i saw mutual flirting back and forth, something shed never have done if shed knew id see it, something shed have had me believe shed never do anyway.

i had forgotten about 1-4 until i saw 5 and it all became clear. i was shocked, but ultimately i wasnt really hurt or angry, after all the accusations and interrogations throughout the relationship, it only figured.

6. i know enough detail to know that the guy she left me for had been in the works for 1-2 months before wed broken up. im not sure she physically cheated with him, but she was hiding me, and flirting, for certain.

everything from that last year is such a blur, and looking back, i was in such a daze at the time. in retrospect, i see that she was increasingly volatile around the times she was likely cheating. she was going completely off the rails dysregulating, and often, rather harshly, accusing me of being a cheater in the process. i was increasingly pulling away, and i think she cheated multiple times with multiple people, and i think she felt a whole lot of shame over it; i say with a fair amount of confidence and knowledge, that its very unlikely she had cheated on past partners, but justified it in my case.

[Harley Quinn]

I voted No, as he spent so much time with me it would have been pretty impossible, although one thing that niggles is the amount of projection onto me that I was cheating, and this does lead me to question whether for the limited time we were apart towards the end he may have at least been emotionally cheating.  It would not surprise me to find that he was paving the way for a new r/s when we were together for the last month or two.

Love and light x

[JustNeedToTalk]

Both a sexual affair and inappropriate contact... .Note: - I didn't find out about everything until the end of our relationship, I wouldn't have stayed with a cheater.  In all instances (looking back now) it was when he felt he was losing control of me.  The odd occasion I stood up for myself.  He couldn't handle a proper adult argument and feared losing me.  I know this now.  So he sought attention from elsewhere.

Those silly women... .thinking they are something... .kinda makes me laugh in hindsight now.  He told one that she was his soul mate 3 days after meeting, and the other (an ex), that he had met someone special (the soul mate) and wanted to say goodbye to her.  Oh and they are both married women.  Writing this almost make me laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

You're welcome to him ladies.  Actually I'm not going to use the word ladies.  Oh and I should add that he's currently on Tinder... .wonder if his married soul mate knows, and the love of his life he needed to say goodbye too... .

[AustenJ]

While we were together she would laugh about having a previous sexual relationship with a former student of mine who she described (projected) as being emotionally closed off. This former student had a dozen close guy friends he partied with who must not have been as "emotionally" closed off because my diagnosed exBPDgf slept with all of them in a span of about 4 months. She actually only claimed to have intercourse with 8 of them, but "made out" with the other 4 which included about everything else besides intercourse. They all enjoyed her thoroughly as a fun-loving drunk whose clothes fell off when she drank Fireball.

[Gunit1]

I was unfortunately with her while she had a bf but there was lies and manipulations to that apparently being on the rocks. Anyway going forward after all the bs and deep connection talk and love of her life ect she never left the bf but also started cheating with a work colleague and then discarded me and her long term bf for the new guy. Not before sleeping with all 3 of us for period of time though. I of course got blamed for everything and made as as crazy one because who am I to go off at her for lying and cheating again! We don't speak anymore but to this day she's never admitted it.

[Husband321]

To add to this more...

They take breaks, break up with you, and give the silent treatment when they cheat to mask the cheating aspect...

In their mind, it justifies the cheating...

"You cheated!" "No I didn't, we weren't together at the time, so what does it matter what I do?"

They do this so that if you do catch them or become suspicious that they were seeing someone else, they can justify it by saying you weren't together at the time.

This exactly. 

Mine would start picking fights.  Then sooner or later take off when I was at work.

I found her on Craigslist, a dating site, almost inmediatelly. 

She would say something like "I was so hurt over our break up.  I just wanted attention. I never met anyone. And we were broken up anyway"

[zeus123]

Can we ever know the truth from a BPD? For the people who answered “no”, how sure are you?. BPDs know how to hide the truth and they are Master liars. Even with overwhelming evidence stacked against them, and you were unequivocally certain about their guilt? Their brilliant (but twisted) logic and verbal dexterity could distort facts and details, to where their perceptions often made sense, even if they completely contradicted themselves, from one hour to the next!

[The Cat in d Hat]

I looked back on all that for the last month, and with everyone else’s situations considered, I’m confident mine was cheating throughout. Either it was cheating on someone else by cheating  with me emotionally, or cheating on me by sleeping with other men. There were days we were broken up, and trips she went on with men. She would tell me sex makes her feel worthless, but would talk like a veteran porn star. She explicitly said she’d never cheat on me of course, which I don’t believe one bit now.

Her last song she sent to me... .River - Eminem, Ed sheeran

It speaks for itself. I thought she was accusing me of cheating on her with my female friend. It was obvious she had cheated on me.

[Husband321]

I read this survey to be 61% infidelity and a high bias.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136940

This compares to 43% infidelity (high bias) with a low bias in unmarried couples.
www.articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-10-15/features/sc-fam-1015-infidelity-20131015_1_infidelity-facebook-friend-facebook-profile

This 43% compares to 54% (high bias) in this site survey:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239774

Considering the bias, you might say relationships where 1 or more partners has a PD, the rate is 25% higher than the general population.

And I also think there are different "levels" of cheating.

For example, let's say 2 people are married a decade. Neither BPD...

Well one of them might just make a mistake, in a moment of weakness, and hook up with someone they are very attracted to. Feel badly. Would never happen again. That's cheating.

It seems with BPD it is a whole new level. As if they constantly strive for that attention, reckless behavior, impulsiveness, and will do it over and over and over again with no real remorse. With people they aren't even attracted to. Then consistently lie.

[Husband321]

I do like this thread as I think back and realize how uneasy it was to live with a BPD woman.

A. Sometimes phone has a code.  Sometimes not.

B. Unexplained absenses... (run up to corner store and gone two hours, come back with some crazy story)

C. Lies about who certain people are from their past. "Oh joe is a friend. ". Which later turns into "joe is a guy I hooked up with on a dating site"

More or less can never fully trust them, and this bleeds into daily life. 24/7.

[Gunit1]

What I don't get with these girls is when they have an affair and want to leave you, they were just saying how your the love of their life only week prior ect but then within weeks say their feelings stopped... To me it means their feelings were never real like they claimed for so long