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Question: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Yes - sexual affair - 120 (53.3%)
Yes - inappropriate contact, but not intercourse. - 25 (11.1%)
I suspect something, but don't know for sure. - 42 (18.7%)
No - 25 (11.1%)
I don't know - 13 (5.8%)
Total Voters: 224

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?  (Read 8027 times)
pdoll
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« on: January 10, 2011, 09:43:27 AM »

Seems like a recurring question here.

Mine denies that he cheated, but admits that he spent the night at his ex-girlfriend's house when he told me that he was at his dad's.


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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2011, 11:57:09 AM »

Let's see.

Mine was secretly having an affair with her married boss years before I came along.

During our time together she:

1. denied that she ever had a thing with him

2. had him come over her house a few times to fix something

3. made sure we never met

4. kept me away from any XMas parties at their job

5. went off with him when we went on a break (It's how I finally found out and got proof)

6. got all the time off she wanted

7. kept her job when they were doing massive layoffs

8. ran to him for money

9. got food from him for our XMas dinner, supplies for her side biz

Hmmmm. And when caught, she lied, lied and lied some more

By the time I gave her back her crap, she admitted to screwing him BUT never when we were together.

Yeah. Right. Anytime she opened her mouth, a new lie came out. Sad. I gave five years to this woman.
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left4good
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« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2011, 12:18:36 PM »

mine did... .

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Travis
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« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2011, 12:24:08 PM »

I am not sure, but I suspect she did.  She certainly adores attention from men, and can easilty attract them, so 2+2 usually = 4. 
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myself
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« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2011, 12:35:45 PM »

Mine did not. She was faithful as far as that goes. But did end up betraying our friendship, and our Love, in other ways? Yes. Her pattern seems to be to go from one person to the next, not always one right after another right away, but, there's a pattern there. So she will move on to someone new, after awhile. And sad to say, the patterns will still be there, and the relationship most likely will not work out. Neither one of us cheated on each other, in the way you are asking here. But we both were cheated out of a real good loving relationship by the illness that's involved. Sigh... .
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restoredsight
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« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2011, 12:38:18 PM »

I can't be sure. The signs pointed towards yes. She was starting something with a guy, in any case, and the texts that I read indicated that I was garbage and he was "studly". I'm sure she was capable if she felt unhappy with a relationship, and I honestly don't know what might have come first - the cheating and the rationalization, or the splitting and the triangulation (read definition). Same results though.

Thing is, that the lies hurt me more than any idea of another guy. I did my best for her and most guys aren't going to come close. In my mind, no money or gifts will equal the time, effort, compassion, care, and absolute love that I tried to show her. I'm not rich, and I feel the gifts I did give her meant more since they came from the heart.

I offered to overlook anything she did if she'd just work on things. It was an offer I'll never make to another human being. I also begged her to get therapy, literally on my knees. I would only have done that for her.

I wasn't perfect, but I did my best, and my best was better than many people will be capable of.

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Travis
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« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2011, 12:49:57 PM »

I offered to overlook anything she did if she'd just work on things. It was an offer I'll never make to another human being. I also begged her to get therapy, literally on my knees. I would only have done that for her.

I wasn't perfect, but I did my best, and my best was better than many people will be capable of.

Chad.  That is TRUE LOVE right there buddy.  I would have done the same thing.  I'm in the same mindset.  Never again.  I will never give control of my life and happiness to another human being again. 
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NewStart
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2011, 01:32:12 PM »

Hmmm, my first  |> should have been that she was an admitted adulterer... .she had cheated on her ex-husband and that had been the end of her marriage... .

As for when she was with me, well she never admitted it but there were a couple of times she probably did... .you be the judge.

First time, she was mad at me for imagined abandonment issues and dropped off the radar one night after raging at me, before this we were ALWAYS in contact and never spent time apart.  Next day she said she went home and went to sleep and just wasn't answering my calls or messages.  About a month later while raging she said, "What do you think I was doing that night, I was out getting laid!"  Of course she said that she just said that out of anger and went back to her old story... .then I found a text from an exbf (the only one that ever broke her heart) that said "I miss you", so I confronted her again.  This time she said that yes that night she was with him but nothing happened they had just talked all night and she was sorry she should have told me... . ?

Second time, she was mad at me again because I was going out of town on a fishing trip and she let me know it, again with the abandonment.  The day I got back I went to her house and we were hanging out in her living room when her dog brought me a sock... .a mans sock... .and it wasn't mine.  When I asked her about it she denied anything, I was paranoid and I should know about assumptions etc etc... .deny deny deny etc etc.  But I pushed back as I could just tell she was not being completely honest... .finally she said, ok it was exbf's sock (same ex as before, the only one to ever break her heart).  Yes he was there, but he just showered there before they went to a concert and then after the concert he just went home... .

And of course all of this turned into I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I'm, I'm, I'm... .

Looking back... .all I was was an idiot... .I should have been long gone after the first episode... .
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Travis
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« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2011, 01:38:38 PM »

And of course all of this turned into I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I'm, I'm, I'm... .

Looking back... .all I was was an idiot... .I should have been long gone after the first episode... .

That's what mine did.  She tried to manipulate and control me threatening me with other men before and after we were married, then when I would ask her about it, she'd say I was jealous and driving her to be with other men because I was always talking about it.   ?
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left4good
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« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2011, 02:10:33 PM »

Excerpt
driving her to be with other men because I was always talking about it.

well if this really works then i'm not going to stop talking about my sons being linebackers for the Steelers!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

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At Bay
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« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2011, 03:00:24 PM »

The liar probably did cheat on me, and he can justify anything in his own mind. Having good character isn't his history either. I've always been faithful because I think it is a big risk to one's children to start that mess. Better to get a divorce. I think he likes the feeling he's getting away with something.

At Bay
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Tincup
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« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2011, 03:09:01 PM »

you know I came to this board because of my UexGF.  She never cheated on me, or gave me any indication that she would.  She was always more of a waif.  She always said she didn't like, trust, or wanted anything to do with men EXCEPT for me.  Damn I wish I wasn't colorblind and could see red flags.

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Mouse10

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« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2011, 03:11:13 PM »

My stbxBPDh never cheated but uses a lot of internet pornography and has threatened to cheat and/or force me into sex.
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deb4321
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« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2011, 03:49:34 PM »

yes. he was still with his ex gf when we started dating. we met/started dating in july and she wasn't moved out of his house till september (he hid this from me). He cheated with another woman in september, then in October he cheated again with several ads he placed online. he also found a new gf a month before he moved out of my house. i am sure there are several other instances when he cheated but i just dont know about them. also, he was constantly looking at porn online, etc... .i am not sure i view this as "cheating" although his obsession with it was a little excessive and creepy (teenager stuff, etc... .)
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Valentine09
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« Reply #14 on: January 10, 2011, 04:29:45 PM »

Mine would say that she slept in another guys bed, but that it didn't go any further than that.  Yeah right, like I'm going to believe that.  She was very adamant about saying she didn't have sex, meaning going all the way to intercourse, when in fact she performed oral sex on guys. I had to drag this out of her.  She'd say, "We didn't have sex, but did other stuff."  Yep, she liked to keep it vague. This was very heartbreaking for me because I'm waiting for marriage for that and she kept telling me how she wanted to keep our relationship pure.  Sickens me that she was off dirtying herself on the side and ruining any future we might have.
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PotentiallyKevin
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« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2011, 04:49:52 PM »

Yes. Multiple times throughout our 3 year relationship - nevertheless, she was accusing me nonstop of cheating on her. Go figure.
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1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential greatness.
2. Having possibility, capability, or power.
3. The inherent ability or capacity for growth, development, or coming into being.
4. Something possessing the capacity for growth or development.
Crystal Ball
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« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2011, 05:01:43 PM »

My uBPDxbf was as spiritual man and never cheated or even gave me the inkling of cheating... .however, he certainly accused me of 'emotionally cheating' for any reason he thought fit his accusation (something so simple as being tired on the phone).
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Travis
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« Reply #17 on: January 10, 2011, 05:04:28 PM »

Yes. Multiple times throughout our 3 year relationship - nevertheless, she was accusing me nonstop of cheating on her. Go figure.

Classic PROJECTION.  Mine did the same thing.  Although I have no proof and now really don't care to get any.  She's a low life.
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NHBeachBum
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« Reply #18 on: January 10, 2011, 05:25:01 PM »

Does a bear poop in the woods?

Of course - twice that I knew about - once with some guy & another time with 2 girls.
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SlipKnot
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« Reply #19 on: January 10, 2011, 08:13:11 PM »

of course mine cheated, many times. i'm pretty sure it started very early on, within the first year of our marriage. worse than the cheating was that she made me responsible for her cheating. and worse even than that is that i believed her then. she said i drove her to it and that i should actually be grateful to her and the guy for allowing me to be father to the baby they made.

she would threaten to cheat if i didnt do something she wanted and properly cheat to punish me for whatever indiscretion i was supposedly guilty of. and yes, she too draws a distinction between intercourse (cheating) and anything else (not cheating).

SK
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msmod

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« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2011, 04:25:31 AM »

Yes.  Three times that I knew of and probably more than that.  It's kind of like roaches. ;p

My xBPD will never be faithful.  Ever. 
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naiveorstupid
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« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2011, 04:54:18 AM »

My XuBPDh confessed only after I received a lab bill for STD testing. Then he "confessed" to a ONS 20 years prior. Now folks, I can be a bit naive and stupid but not THAT naive or stupid. Yes msmod, it's exactly like rats!
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naiveorstupid
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« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2011, 04:55:00 AM »

OOPS, misquoted you msmod. Like roaches is what I should have said.
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man34
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« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2011, 09:08:48 PM »

yes mine cheated on her husband with me... .i know its awful... .then she turned around and while cheating on her husband with me... .she made plans to cheat on me with another guy... .i found out in time and read all the chat and emails she was having with this other guy... .she knew this new guy for 3 days and they were already having rampant phone sex... .that was the biggest disappointment for me... .on one end i was her soulmate (and she really meant it)... .and on the other hand all this stuff... .happy i made the best decision in my life and left her for good... .i always loved her, and will always do... .but not like this... .
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really
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« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2012, 05:47:10 AM »

yes, with at least 2 people, probably more... .couldn't admit to it though.  just refused to say the words... .but she did.   no doubt at all.   

Good luck to her.   she needs to face herself each day and live with that.   I couldn't.

All i can say is that I truly hope that she never has to face the pain of that sort of betrayal.   She has been let down by people she trusted before but i suspect not in the sick to your core type pain that leaves you emotionally crippled and physically ill for the best part of a year.  No one deserves that.   Not even her.

I suspect her pain will come in many years to come if not before but the door is closed on that now.    Time to forget, forgive.  I can say I did genuinely love her and the best way of showing that is to walk away in peace.

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waitaminute
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« Reply #25 on: December 10, 2012, 07:28:30 AM »

Like a 12th house Venus, she had her secret lovers. And once ... .When she was really feeling the love for me, she said "you shall be my secret lover" Smiling (click to insert in post)

It was a sincere gesture of love from a woman who will always have secret lovers.

It's her nature.
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Azrimic

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« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2017, 04:07:54 AM »

I know there's already a cheating thread running, but I have a question and didn't want to take that thread off topic... .

I read a few comments in the other thread that said pwBPD  ALWAYS cheat, that they ALL do, have or will.

Do you really think that's the case?  My ex would, by choice, stick by my side 24/7 if I let her.  Literally 24/7.  The clinginess was one of the things I found hardest to cope with.  So how would someone like that also be someone who would cheat given half a chance?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2017, 04:20:39 AM »

Have they ever given you the silent treatment for a few days, or "broken up" with you and needed some space for a week or two? Maybe a month? Has there ever been radio silence while you're away or at work? Have their stories ever added up or made sense?

Pretty much any time that you weren't around, that's when they were cheating.

I wouldn't be surprised if they were texting their other lover while you were hanging out, and then as soon as you part ways, they were hanging out with them.

They are very tactical and calculating with this stuff... .and it can take years to even realize something might be going on.
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Azrimic

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« Reply #28 on: March 14, 2017, 04:23:02 AM »

Nope, she has never given me the silent treatment.  She would inundate me with texts and messages.
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Azrimic

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« Reply #29 on: March 14, 2017, 04:24:45 AM »

Although having said that, when we started dating she was living with her ex still, who hated me so I wasn't allowed in the flat if she was there... .
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