Benchmarking: No Contact Support

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Why NO CYBERSTALKING is so important:

It's all about control, when we are cyberstalking them, and "caring" about what they are doing, they are still controlling us!

c'mon guys we gotta be strong and NOT letting them PLAY with us ANYMORE! I am not going to let him ruin more of my life... .

Cyberstalking is on us. If you stick your head in a meat grinder, you can blame it for being sharp, but  you can't blame the meat grinder for removing your forehead.  Thats on you.

Hi!

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Why NO CYBERSTALKING is so important:

It's all about control, when we are cyberstalking them, and "caring" about what they are doing, they are still controlling us!

c'mon guys we gotta be strong and NOT letting them PLAY with us ANYMORE! I am not going to let him ruin more of my life... .

Cyberstalking is on us. If you stick your head in a meat grinder, you can blame it for being sharp, but  you can't blame the meat grinder for removing your forehead.  Thats on you.

Hi!

[Im done]

For me, the cyberstalking was the last thing to go.  It was really really hard for me to stop doing it.  But stop I did.  Actually, by that time I didn't even care anymore - it was more of a habit than anything.

Out of sight, out of mind.  That was definitely not true in my case.

I wondered at the beginning if nc would actually even work.  I went through a period of serious rumination.  But with time, and looking at him and the relationship through a more realistic light I was able to detach.  I would not have been able to get to that point if I had had contact with him.  I wouldn't have been able to see things as they really were if I had encountered him in person.

For me, it was either all or nothing.  All was not posssible, and I chose nothing.  I am still a little sad that there could be no middle ground, but that's just the way it is... .

[Tilery]

It's been 3 weeks today for me   

I had a week of not contacting her when she was healing from surgery- but we were still technically together, i just needed some space to disengage, i was trying to leave her.

Then it's been 2 weeks since she rang and told me she's seeing someone else.

The fact that we work together means there is forced contact, but i have managed it within professional boundaries, which i will consider NC because there has been no personal displays or interactions from me.

[once removed]

cyberstalking i've been really good about, especially since she left me both a window and a back door. i could see her photos if i wanted to, but not her wall. however, she remained friends with our joint account, and did not delete it, and i have used it one time to verify her whereabouts when she stole from me. i am certain she maintains it incase i block her account, and/or to check my moms account. i do keep checking her profile picture only, for some reason, trying to stop that. it wouldn't matter what she made it, if she were to change it it would get my brain going. i've made the decision neither to block her or to remove any of her friends. i have them hidden from my news feed, so they might as well not be there, but i dont want to do what she did, and i just dont consider it necessary or consider it "contact".

there was a sort of indirect contact before i learned about BPD. i had kept total silence since she introduced the new guy, but when i caught her rummaging through the email attached to my facebook i misinterpreted her actions, and left a one line email for her. she responded by attempting to steal 140 dollars from me. i then directly contacted her (impulsively) asking her if she'd done it.

i guess i'm in limited contact because i have contacted her a few times about exchanging our things, and she is delaying the process. so hopefully i'll get my things back on thursday, change my email password, and be in NC as far as i am concerned. im a bit worried from what i read on here that that will further heighten the detachment feelings and perhaps set me back a bit.

[BreadHead]

OH HEY!  Now I remember why cyberstalking is BAD news! 

I get to go back to square one, couldn't resist and looked at his FB (CUSS!)

He's listed as "in a relationship!" as of 6 days ago and the message to try to be my friend on FB was sent on the exact same day.  I had planned to get a lot done today and now I'm finding no motivation whatsoever. 

URGH.  Something is seriously wrong with me!

[mary87]

bread head, know exactly how u feel  

but what u can do now is to not let him ruin your day! do something useful and each time u start thinking bout him wave that thought away like it's an annoying mosquito!

that''s what I've been trying to do all day, so far so good... .but it's hard... . 

[The Ride]

11 months strict "nc".  Other than divorce papers, I recieved one certified letter from him the other day.  He says I owe him money and I say he owes me!  But, how do you tally up the price of emotional and mental trauma? 

Since the divorce was final a couple of weeks ago, I see no reason to ever communicate with him again.  I'm going to speak with the post man and find out if there is a way to block his certified letters.  Otherwise, they'll be going straight into the trash unopened. 

If he knew the pain that he's caused me and my kids and how much I can't stand him, he wouldn't bother to send any correspondence at all.  When I see anything come from him, it makes me angry and brings back the bad feelings.  I still have alot of healing to do, even after almost a year.  But, I'm in a much better place than I was when "nc" was initiated.     

[lavamika]

The most I've lasted with strict NC is a month and then I fall prey to the "itch".  I'm on and off the wagon... .

I suggest blocking them on fb because it does make you think twice because you have to go through the extra step of unblocking them (and fyi, you need to wait 2 very long and painful days before you can block them again).

I know that I haven't given up hope, which is part of my problem.  I'm moving ever so slowly towards detachment but there is still a big piece of me that is holding on.  I know it's my issue... .

[mary87]

lavamika if I block him on FB will he Know I have blocked him?

and can he see my profile pic and search for me still? or will I be like "deactivated" to him?

[lavamika]

lavamika if I block him on FB will he Know I have blocked him?

and can he see my profile pic and search for me still? or will I be like "deactivated" to him?

If he searches you, your profile won't exist anymore so yes, he could know if he's trying to find you.  He doesn't get a notice that it happens but you'll essentially "dissapear".

We have some mutual friends and it can be weird because I'll comment on a mutual friend's photo and not know that he had commented too.  he also won't know I commented.  To the person who doesn't know we're blocked, it looks like we're talking to each other but we aren't!

[mary87]

ok tnx,

so he would think I have left facebook? he he, I don't think I want to give him that pleasure... .

I'll just have to control myself! :-s

[MarieLauren]

Broken up for 3 days. He called once and texted once. I did not answer. It was easy not not. But I have been looking at his FB page once... .:|

[harlemgurl]

I'm seven months out. Still struggling with making my own closure. Still emotionally attached but I'm able to accept that we had a toxic relationship based on enmeshment. My ex lives across the street so its extra hard. We avoid each other at all costs.

At first No Contact was used a punishment on my part. I wanted him to feel bad for his behavior towards me. I wanted him to know that his actions had consequences. I wanted to give him a taste of his own hurtful medicine.  I wanted him to suffer and I believe I succeeded. But after a couple of weeks I missed him so badly that I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to throw myself at his feet and make him see me: the real me who wanted nothing more than to love him to wholeness.

Then I realized that No Contact meant that I couldn't go back to an unhealthy situation. No Contact means accepting that you cannot "fix" things. No contact is not a "winning strategy" but surrendering.  This realization crushed me. I went through serious withdrawal. Thought of my ex incessantly but didn't act on it. Church helped a lot. Crying, mourning, grieving, thinking about my lack of boundaries and my need for validation helped me get to the root of my codependency.  Friends, work, and BPD family helped to distract me from the ruminating. I feel like he put a root doll on me; I've dated. Doesn't work. I work out. I still miss the good times. I wish he could drown in all the tears I've cried.

I never thought I'd have to cut off my hand to save my right arm. Cutting my undiagnosed ex out of my life is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. All I have on my side is time. No contact has been one minute, hour, and one pants leg at a time. Time has been the most important component in healing from this. Time is the only thing decreases the intensity of the pain.

HG

[MarieLauren]

What exaclty is ''withdrawal''?

It is funny because I could not sleep the night of the break up. And then I cried in the morning a lot and felt imense pain. And that was that.

I still feel some pain underneath... .but I am not getting overwhelmed. I certianly do wish for the best. That after all this pain my body's had enough, my mind and heart has had enough.

I hope I don't feel ok now just to be crushed by pain later.

I do hope my motives are real, as to the NC.

I will go back to the r/s only if he gets treatment and is cooperative. Otherwise no.

This is my goal. I am taking it a day at a time. I do not think of forever.

[MarieLauren]

I wanted to throw myself at his feet and make him see me: the real me who wanted nothing more than to love him to wholeness.

HG

Omg... .it's so heartbeaking when they cannot see us anymore. When they take our mistakes and make flaws out of them... and then our character and who we are out of them... .And they paint us black and search for every reason not to love us, while we tell them all the reasons we want to love them... .  :'(

It is like they simply forget the good times, they feel nothing, no emotions for that period. And I cannot understand why don't they feel anything... .when that period to us means everything.

[MarieLauren]

I'm seven months out. Still struggling with making my own closure. Still emotionally attached but I'm able to accept that we had a toxic relationship based on enmeshment. My ex lives across the street so its extra hard. We avoid each other at all costs.

At first No Contact was used a punishment on my part. I wanted him to feel bad for his behavior towards me. I wanted him to know that his actions had consequences. I wanted to give him a taste of his own hurtful medicine.  I wanted him to suffer and I believe I succeeded. But after a couple of weeks I missed him so badly that I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to throw myself at his feet and make him see me: the real me who wanted nothing more than to love him to wholeness.

Then I realized that No Contact meant that I couldn't go back to an unhealthy situation. No Contact means accepting that you cannot "fix" things. No contact is not a "winning strategy" but surrendering. This realization crushed me. I went through serious withdrawal. Thought of my ex incessantly but didn't act on it. Church helped a lot. Crying, mourning, grieving, thinking about my lack of boundaries and my need for validation helped me get to the root of my codependency.  Friends, work, and BPD family helped to distract me from the ruminating. I feel like he put a root doll on me; I've dated. Doesn't work. I work out. I still miss the good times. I wish he could drown in all the tears I've cried.

I never thought I'd have to cut off my hand to save my right arm. Cutting my undiagnosed ex out of my life is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. All I have on my side is time. No contact has been one minute, hour, and one pants leg at a time. Time has been the most important component in healing from this. Time is the only thing decreases the intensity of the pain.

HG

Didn't he look for you? Or tried to get you back?

Or did you not answer him>?

[pinupprincess]

split 4 weeks n/c 5 days as I kept breaking it and she did once and i responded! all the other times i woul contact her get her back but im feling strong this time even though its hurting! I dont feel too much though not happy or sad... maybe thats the anti depressants im not sure, i know i cnt cry for tht long though!

I even have her name tattooed on me if i could get the damn thing covered now i would!

I just feel she is gonna be back at sum point in my life... in some form! I have already got it planned what i will say.  I am by no means a liar but I know the only thing i could say is that i do not love her and havent for a long time... that will hurt me to say that cause i do love her and i probably will for a very long time!

any thoughts on that... i hate lies though!

Harlem gurl I feel the exact same as you! I would end it for punishment reasons and regret it ... she would show me never shows me any emotion... said wen we split she missed me terribly but i just dnt see the expression on her face... i dnt get it... i would go to any lengths for her, die for her, she even cut her wrists over me but i think it was just a victim plea!

[savesoul]

1st day NC... .I don't know if he has realized that I have blocked him from calling or texting me yet... .it has almost been too quiet... .Sort of worried about what fresh hell I may endure when he realizes I finally took action to get him to stop harassing me. 

[diotima]

At first No Contact was used a punishment on my part.

I think I felt a bit of this--punishment the various times we broke up because he hated it when I withdrew (even though he might be courting someone else at the time!). this last time was a bit different. I knew I could not survive another round when I said I wouldn't take him back. I knew he would chase other women no matter what and I couldn't stand it. So I did it ultimately to survive, and I don't think I knew how hard it was going to be this time. I guess it is now 4 months NC and about 6 months since the ragged break up (hard to give an exact time, so I date it from when I knew there was another woman).

On another thread 2010 said that people often reconnect after about 3 months NC (not sure I got the time right)--that there is a strong urge. I think mine is hitting me now. I won't do it though. It is insane to want to contact someone who caused me that much pain.

Diotima

[once removed]

just over 8 months for me now. still not sure if she'll ever initiate contact again. seems less likely as time goes by. im closer to 100% preferring it that way. i don't always feel it, but im getting stronger every day.

[pinupprincess]

day 4 again cuz i broke it... .bad day today  and i think maybe i should go n/c with her sister. i cnt deal with her in my life!

[Beach_Babe]

3.5 months here... .not my choice, but oh keeping it can be so hard. if it werent for this board, im sure I wouldve gone groveling back by now... .

[m772001]

Minus one drive by (only because someone told me she had moved, and I was hopefull/courious) I have been NC since late May, early June.

She's called once and I ignored her, she texted and I filed harrassing commuication charges agianst her. The county attourney didnt think it was enough to take her to court but since there were two seperate incidents where she was not supposed to contact me he did send the sheriff to see her and tell her to stop all communication once and for all. Since then the stalking behavior has intensified. What used to happen only when I wasn't home (she knows my schedule) now takes place while I am at home (asleep)... .whatever, go away you broke trailor slut, have a nice life!

[A New Leaf]

My exH left 4 weeks ago, today, after a recycle following our divorce. The recycle was a huge mistake and I should never have allowed him to come back.    I have been in complete NC since I asked him to leave, so far, I have no desire to have contact with him.

[duke]

Why is it if were hated to much coverd with black paint is it that NONs have to go out of there way to block on FB? you would think it would be the first thing borderlines would do with there erractic behaviours?

[diotima]

Duke,

BPDs don't want to block contact because they want to leave all avenues open by default. I know it is hard to wrap our heads around but they don't grieve the ends of r/s's... .because they can't. They just bounce around from r/s to r/s. We block them for our own sanity. If we don't block them, they could appear out of the blue and try to re-engage and that sets us back. Blocking is all about self-protection and care for ourselves so we can heal. They really don't care about anyone's healing, including their own (for the most part).

Sad truth,

Diotima

[justMehere]

well, um,  ? I just got recycled again, 2 months after the break up. We have hardly gone NC the whole time. But I was willing to try again this last time he started calling a week ago. Then I found out about his personals ads and lies and then he demanded that I put the engagement ring back on. Things got really weird. Really showed his character and the textbook BPD stuff again.

I certainly fell off the wagon.

I dont know that I could ever not read his emails or texts, but I intend to never take the bait again. he has sworn he will never contact me again. He says I broke his heart for the last time. 

[duke]

Duke,

BPDs don't want to block contact because they want to leave all avenues open by default. I know it is hard to wrap our heads around but they don't grieve the ends of r/s's... .because they can't. They just bounce around from r/s to r/s. We block them for our own sanity. If we don't block them, they could appear out of the blue and try to re-engage and that sets us back. Blocking is all about self-protection and care for ourselves so we can heal. They really don't care about anyone's healing, including their own (for the most part).

Sad truth,

Diotima

Thankyou diotmia, i wonderd about this 

[Beach_Babe]

BPDs don't want to block contact because they want to leave all avenues open by default. I know it is hard to wrap our heads around but they don't grieve the ends of r/s's... .because they can't.

Good point, diotima. Do you think if a pwBPD eliminates contact (ie: changes phone number, email, messenger ect ect) they are done for good?

[allwillbewell]

I agree with Ditoima -- BPDs often play games through FB and their best way of maintaining contact is often via technology -- text, facebook, e-mail, SMS -- because they retain control and don't have to engage in an actual conversation which could lead to all sorts of unknowns/threatening feelings for them.

I went NC 4 weeks ago.  I was not, however, able to bring myself to block him from my FB account at that point.  So, I wasn't fully NC.  In fact, the whole FB thing was really unhealthy because it kept his picture on my page because he "poked" me not that long before and I hadn't responded ... .yada, yada, yada ... .

On October 27th, 10 days ago, I blocked him from my FB account AND from my mom's FB account so even if I was tempted I would have no way of looking him up. 

I felt pretty terrible after I blocked him from FB.  Not for him, for me.  It felt like the final, true ending.  Like a death.  And it freaking hurt and still does.  But in another more important way -- I feel better b/c I'm not waiting for him to try to hurt me by posting or doing something painful.  And I am resolved to staying NC no matter how much it hurts.