A Snapshot of our Relationships & Goals

[Inspirationneeded]

What type of relationship are you in?(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

Friends as she doesn't do committed relationships.  Known her 3 years, both of us mid 30s.  She was married, divorced after a a year and I have never been married.  No children by either of us living separate.  Broken up none, splitting probably 3 dozen.  Straight.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

(1) I love her.

(2) I have seen her in pain.  Beating the crap out of herself. The depressing withdrawls.  The uncontrolled shaking and look of sheer panic in her eyes.  She didn't cause the sexual abuse and I don't think she has to live with it by herself. She has to help herself, which she is actively doing, so as long as she tries I will give effort on my end.

What do you like most about your partner?

I know it's a result of her illness, but when she is happy and content she lights up the room. 

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Interracial, no matter how much support I give she gets extremely negative about how others view us together.   

What do you find most difficult?  Validation.  Its not an excuse but I'm former military and an engineer.  I have always dealt with facts not feelings.  It's foreign to me to recognize anything like that and respond appropriately. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )  Definitely BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )  More codependent than the other options.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  She is on and off with therapists.  I don't delve into how her sessions go.  I was in therapy for a bit before joining the Navy because of domestic issues with my family.  They never diagnosed me with anything and gave me a clean bill of health but after some self-relfection I realize I have issues. 

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?  Support.  Everyone knows she is off.  Everyone just turns their head and looks in the other direction even if she asks them (in her confusing way of course) for help.  Just want to be around others that know what's going on and can offer help, advice, an ear to talk to. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shave]

What type of relationship are you in?(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

I'm a woman married to my BPD husband for over 35 years. I am 56, he's 59. Our kids are grown up and out-2 daughters, 32 and 27 , and one son, 30. 32 and 30 are married and I have 3 grandchildren. 27 is happily single. We have never broken up. But I stopped sleeping with him 15 years ago after a few unforgiveable incidents so you could say we are not really together, are we?

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

It's all financial at this point and I know every psychologist out there will tell you money is never a reason to stay together but I'm sorry I do not find welfare and possible homelessness an attractive option. My H made me so sick that I can no longer work and even when I did, it was a month to month existence (mostly because he was running the household finances and had many credit cards and didn't pay the mortgage and when I finally figured it out the hole was too deep to climb out of. I take care of the money now.


What do you like most about your partner?

At this point i neither like him nor love him but if I had to say something nice, he is very intelligent, well read and pretty darn good at his profession.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Keeping myself from getting sicker while dealing with his crazy. It's very hard and while I was really sick he said I was crazy and not sick. So basically I try to stay far away from any unnecessary contact with him. I'm better that way.

Also, I try to minimize any future damage he is going to do with my kids (he's already alienated the rest of the family and all friends). One day he will say something really bad to them and I have to always be on my toes. It's stressful.

What do you find most difficult?

Being scared of what he will be like when he walks in the door at night. I know it's a terrible thing to say but when he's away, I'm in heaven.

How would you categorize your partner?

Until last week when I found this site I would have said passive aggressive and psychotic. But he's BPD, 100%

How would you categorize yourself?

Completely depressed, have anxiety and panic attacks, completely intimidated.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No money. And anyway, when he was in therapy he was completely untruthful and painted me as the villain (no, the therapist didn't listen to me.)


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Honestly, I don't know yet. I just found you last week and all the info has been so helpful. But I think if everyone keeps at me to stand up and walk away when he starts his crazy ranting I think I could actually make my life a little better.

[eeyore]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)



3 years 3 months, engaged, both in our 40's, no children, broken up 1 time, moved in and out too many to count, both hetro (Male & Female couple)

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both have good qualities.  He is high functioning and does not have all the criteria.  He can be very loving, kind, and supportive.  He's brilliant at getting what he wants a quality I wish I was better at.  I have learned a lot from this relationship and I believe it has made me a stronger better person.  The skills I have learned here have helped in the relationship as well as with dealing with difficult people and situations in general.  It's helped me to be more care free and to worry less. 


What do you like most about your partner?

His brilliant mind.  He is clever, inventive, has lots of initiative.  We can have great conversations. 


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

regulating emotions.  We tend to escalate issues more than they need to be.  We have gotten much better at resolving problems and airing our feelings. 



What do you find most difficult?



The resentment and anger that I haven't let go of.  Forgetting after I've forgiven. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )



I'm not sure about NPD or ASPD.  Definitely could be BPD according to T but since he would never go to a T he is undiagnosed.  He could suffer fleas from a BPD ex. 

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )



Me... .have had episodes of low self esteem, maybe somewhat codependent... .but really feel like I've overcome all of it. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I have gone to see a T and on occasion will touch bases with a T.  He absolutely thinks he's greater than sliced bread and he thinks T is for weak people.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn and become a better person, to help others, sometimes just to have a place to vent... .it depends on the day.

[Marvin Martian]

 

We dated from October to February one break up, but back on polite speaking terms.

(Years together? Known each other, and communicating well for a year plus Age? 50 Married no Children/ages?no  Living Together?no How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation? heterosexual


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I have never met someone that I have had such a deep natural connection with, soulmate level.

What do you like most about your partner?

When she is in the white side of the splitting, she is incredible. Highly accomplished professionally, intelligent, great to be around, has overcome huge difficulties, from childhood on [ although I suspect her BPD helped to cause a severe family tragedy].  Deep beneath the layers, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I truly believe she knows she has a disorder, and tried to protect me from its effects.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Working back from the bad splitting where I didn't react well [before I read Eggshells, BPD for dummies, I hate you don't leave me, and finding this site]. A 5 hour drive between us.

What do you find most difficult?

Trying to make sure that my communications with her are either a positive, or at least don't make things worse. Not seeing her eyes.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits, possibly 7 of 9. Very low self esteem, despite being a very accomplished person.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Good self esteem, good achiever, until the splitting kicked into a frequent cycle. Her ability to hammer on a person until they are looking for the grave is real [ but I now understand, can handle it, and am in good shape]. Esteem is coming back. Confidence is rising.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I have seen a T a couple times, not sure on her, but doubt it.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Goal #1 To learn more skills, that will make me stronger, and more capable. #2 Network with others who have fought the same battles, and learn from them. #3 I know I can't change her, and that she must be the one to choose to change. But I want to be a positive in her life, and a support to help her to spend more time on the white side of the splitting [ by stopping actions that hurt her, and being a solid presence].

[Want2know]

What type of relationship are you in?

I have known my uNPDbf for 4 years, living with him now with a break up for about 8 months last year.  We had lived together for about 2.5 years initially.  I am 46 and he is 41.  He has 3 children from his previous and only marriage.  One lives with us (14 yr old boy), and the other 2 girls (15 and 18) live with the mother/grandmother.  I have no kids of my own.  Besides the 8 month hiatus, we broke up only once before, and that was just for a weekend.  We are heterosexual, trying to be monogamous, and not really wanting to get married since we’ve both been married before.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Besides the general statement of “I love him deeply”, I guess I’d have to say that I think we complement each other.  I do learn a lot from him, and during our 8 months apart, I didn’t want to be with anyone but him, even with me putting myself out there.  He is the one I would like to be with in the end.

What do you like most about your partner?His ability to fix or create anything, our mutual likes (music, movies, camping, etc.), our physical relationship, his passion, his feelings towards how this world is (except for when he’s dysregulated), his discipline.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

My anxiety over the possibility of him turning to other women for sex is the biggest one.  He says sex means nothing to him, and is a way for him to feel better about himself.  He doesn’t say that about the sex between us, but has said it in general.  Also, his lack of caring attitude that he uses as a manipulation tool, even if he is not aware when he’s doing it.

What do you find most difficult?

Trusting him.

How would you categorize your partner?

Somatic NPD with bi-polar tendencies, as well as some PTSD from being in the Army in Desert Storm.

How would you categorize yourself?

Anxious, somewhat co-dependent, somewhat depressed

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

For support when I’m confused or don’t know what to do, or just need to vent and/or get some advice.

[Upekkha]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

We met as children. Dated at University. Lived together briefly and We have been married since 1977. Two adult daughters; one grand baby. Never broken up

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Peace of Mind

Financial

What do you like most about your partner?

Funny; likes so much of what I like - dancing, music, film, gourmet cooking

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

She rages and I get angry

We don't talk about anything serious EVER and we have many future issues such as finances, retirement etc to work out.

What do you find most difficult?

The constant criticism and the raging

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I have anxiety issues

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not currently. I had a CBT and we went to MC briefly until the $ ran out. She doesn't think she has problems; only I need to change.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Either learn how to make it work over time or move over to the Undecided board formally.

[runner mom]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

Married nearly 8 years.  Together for 14.  Children: 2 daughters, ages 5 and 3.  Broke up once when dating and separated briefly last Spring and this Fall/Winter.  Heterosexual.  Certainly hope H is too... .I assume that's the case!   

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.  I want to be with my daughter's 100% of the time, not half time.  I believe that the man I fell in love with is still in there and I see glimpses of him sometimes and I love him.

What do you like most about your partner?

The things I like are mostly in the past tense right now but I believe they can come back.  He used to make me laugh, challenge me, we used to share hobbies and interests, we used to be happy in each other's company.  These are all positive memories and I am not without hope that we can find our way back to these things with each other. 

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Addiction.

What do you find most difficult?

Not letting my issues due to my FOO impact the reality of my current r/s.  I have a lot of triggers and H's illnesses get right to the heart of those.  Both of us come to this r/s with baggage and I am diving in and dealing with my past and right now he's not so interested and that's difficult bc we can't move fwd together when we are on such different paths... .IMHO that is.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Alcoholic with BPD traits.  Very high functioning. 



How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Co-dependent but improving, Low self esteem for most of my life but improving, Difficulty standing up for myself without apology but improving, Easily scapegoated into believing I am the cause of everyone's problems- now I am seeing that those who point fingers most typically have lots of issues of their own and I take things waaaay less personally.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

H is in therapy.  I am in therapy.  I go to al anon as well.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learn more, find others with common experiences since this is not a disease that lots of people understand, figure out how to improve myself and in doing so, continue to work on and improve my r/s[/quote]

[nikky]

What type of relationship are you in?

Partners for 9 years, civil partners for 4.

Lesbian relationship

I have 2 children 18 and 16.

Split up- loads.  Once for a year when we both had other relationships. Though it is always pointed out that I had 2 where she only had 1!

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her. As I said before I have been in other relationships but we always get back together. Ultimately we can and do compliment one another in lots of ways.

What do you like most about your partner?

I really love it when we laugh together, she is funny. At times it seems like we can talk for hours.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Gambling addiction, constant accusation that i'm depressed or otherwise mad and untrustworthy.

What do you find most difficult?

Secrecy and constant criticism.

How would you categorize your partner?

Alcoholic, gambler, high functioning BPD and NPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

Alcoholic, Codependent and low self esteem, though CoDA has really helped.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

B goes to therapy.Both AA.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learn and understand, stop reacting and joining the argument. Gain support from others going through the same issues.

[LjoL]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

We have been together for 6 years, married/civil union for 2.  I am 31 and she is 35.  We are a lesbian couple.  We broke up once when we were initially dating.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both really love each other and our relationship fits for me the majority of the time.  We are similar in ways that are important to me, and different in ways that compliment each other.  I have a lot of respect for her and I feel hopeful that we will have a strong and fulfilling marriage.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is vivacious, smart and can be very caring. 

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

When we fight things can feel out of control and terrible. 

What do you find most difficult?

Setting limits without asking permission.  Having a healthy relationship with my own anger.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits.  High functioning.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Working on co-dependent stuff and some social anxiety.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Lots of therapy going on in our house... .  We are both in individual therapy and are in marriage therapy.  I am happy to say I feeling like I'm in a good spot right now so will be wrapping up my own therapy soon. 

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To remember that I am not alone.  That there a lot of people who understand the chaos and confusion.  To work on self-understanding and speaking up.  For the support and to support others. 

[wheresthelight]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together - we have been together for 4 years

Age - i am 38, he is 39

Married - we are engaged

Children/ages - son 14, stepson 8, stepdaughter 5, daughter 4 1/2, son together 19 months

Living Together - yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up - actually broken up one for about a month after we were together for a year. Threats of breaking up and him telling me it's over, 100's of times.

Sexual Orientation - hetrerosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We are a family, I love him and all of our kids. I have faith and believe in a better future.

What do you like most about your partner?

He has so many amazing qualities, he is incredibly smart, beautiful, funny, driven, charming, charismatic, generous, gentle, caring, adventerous, loving, incredibly passionate, sensitive, masculine, the list really goes on and on

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Dealing with the rages, the constant threats, the jealousy, emotional abuse, money management, raising the kids, disciplining the children, his BPD, PTSD, my mood swings, and depression.

What do you find most difficult?

Validation, trusting him (with my heart, not with other woman, he does not cheat). Letting go of my own stuff, letting go of the anger and resentment that has built up over the years. Trying to remain positive and steady, i have my own issues, and have had a rough childhood ass well, i have trouble with my moods and am often up and down which is a huge trigger for my fiance.

How would you categorize your partner?

He has diagnosed BPD, PSTD, and OCD

How would you categorize yourself?

Definately codependant. I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder (on medication) and believe that i have PTSD, some depression, anger issues, trust issues, I can be needy at times, and fiercly independant at times. Sometimes i feel very inscure, although i think the constant breakups have something to do with that ?

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Yes both of us, he is in therapy for BPD, PTSD, anxiety, anger, OCD etc. I am in therapy for mood disorder, depression, anxiety.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

For support, to learn how to separate his stuff from mine. To learn how to communicate more effectively with him. To learn from other people who have walked in my shoes. I really want to improve my relationship for myself, for my fiance and for our kids. I have learned here that i cannot fix his issues, but i would like to learn how to fix myself so that i can be more validating, less angry and am hoping that in the process it will improve our lives together

[Wanda]

What type of relationship are you in?

I have been married going on 14 years feburary 14th i have three children from a previous marriage  all three children are now grown up and out of the house but one who is mentally challenged and live with us my husband and i went through a theapudic separation once for about a year we were separated 14 years ago right after we got married. i am 49 turning 50 he is 46 he'll be 47 in DEc

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

my husband is a really good person just has a disease, and isn't hard to work with, and due to he keeps improving i work with the relationship. we have alot of good times more then bad.

What do you like most about your partner?

HE met me when my children were little and helped me raised them and he had no kids. i was married before and i always say if my husband now has a disease what did my ex have. my ex never was in the kids life my husband now is . HE has become their dad... and i lov him for that.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

i don't have alot now, like i use to with rages and such  Top challenges now for me is continue to work on the relatioship to keep improving it every day, because one day i will be retired so will he and i don't want it to be horrible my goal has always been to improve things so by retirement i will have no worries and that is happening...

How would you categorize your partner?

my husband has BPD traits he is undiagnoised

How would you categorize yourself?

I use to be very co dependant and have over come that alot although i still can say i am co dependant.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

i went to therapy 14 years ago so did my husband during the time we were separated for a bout a year and i learned alot through that, and it helped me get where i am today.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

i am mainly on here to help others with my story and to get support myself.

[bluebond6]

What type of relationship are you in?

My wife and I have been together about 16 years.  I am 47.  We have been married 8 years and have two boys 10 and 12 years old. I also have a daughter who is almost 16 and is in out home a couple of weekends each month. We live in the same house in separate bedrooms. I was going to divorce her last fall for infidelity and lying, but was convinced to withdraw my papers.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my wife. She is a great mother. We both want our kids to do well.  I realize I am not perfect.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is smart and beautiful and strong. I like when she is happy and we are happy together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Anger, jealousy, infidelity, poor financial choices, alcohol abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, and well she has not punched me or thrown anything at me in a pretty long time now... .

What do you find most difficult?

Finding the strength to feel good about myself when i am accused of being the sole source of any and all problems in our home.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD seems to fit pretty well.

How would you categorize yourself?

I tend to be co-dependent and am learning how not to be that way. My self image is not naturally very good. I am very sad most of the time truly mourning as I lose the ability to believe my wife can ever be faithful to me.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I went to a therapist a few times myself. She went to a different therapist. Eventually we used her therapist to help us work together.  Then my wife did not want to go any more.  She says I did not want to continue, but that is not true. It was helping, I think.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

My goal at this board is to find other people who have learned how to succeed at being happy and are able to stay grounded enough to provide a stong foundation to help their SO be happy too.  I have really been show a lot of support here, so I come back periodically.

[Salut]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

Married to H for 10 years.  I am 48, he is 51.  No children.  Never broken up, but the topic came up often in first 5 years.  Straight.


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because we have been each others family.  In spite of all the difficulties, we have invested in a life together  I think life would be more difficult and lonelier without him.


What do you like most about your partner?

My H can be loving and caring.  He is also inventive and just adventurous enough when he isn't on super negative mode.  He is loyal to us.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Negativity, his over reaction and escalation, my inability to handle his emotions and his tone of voice, some differences in values. 

What do you find most difficult?

As we get older stresses are changing and I'm not sure we can handle them together.  I have the most trouble with the roller coaster and his Jekyll and Hyde nature. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD I think.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Struggle with low self esteem.  Probably codependent.  Sometimes feel like I must be BPD (fear of abandonment strikes a chord with me).

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

H has gone For a couple of short sessions.  I have gone A number of times over the years.  In current job can get 6 free sessions so neither of us have gone beyond that.  H also went to AA for many years and was a drug and alcohol counselor.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Survive?  It feels like a lifeline right now.

[jardin]

What type of relationship are you in?

About 2.5, not married, no kids, young.  

Living together when she lets me .  

I don't know how many times because it's never clear - even in the moment.  

We're both bi... .respective first same-sex relationship (and both very femme bi's - which adds a whole additional level of new-ness... .and, for S, competition).  

I had no problem being open about it with friends, family, work, etc; S has taken... .substantially longer.  



What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

High levels of lifestyle, value, goals, priorities, sexual compatibility.  We compliment each other well in terms of strengths and weaknesses.  I think we both learn a lot from each other.  We have fun and usually enjoy each others company.  Obviously, love.  

What do you like most about your partner?

But for her inability to maintain/tolerate closeness and truly commit to us, I like just about everything about her.  Smart, funny, silly attractive, strong, hard-working, interesting, pretty awesome all around... .I have a list of like 100 different line items ... .

What are the top challenges facing your relationship??

We continue to oscillate between times of closeness and times of distance.  This is becoming a big challenge because I want more consistency and stability.  

What do you find most difficult?

There are three things preventing me from moving forward with this relationship into lifetime commitment.  First, she has a really hard time letting me have space in her home - for me or my stuff .  Really hard.  She needs a lot - A LOT - of space.  Second, she still refuses to tell a significant number of our friends about the relationship.  Third, sex is inconsistent at best.  

How would you categorize your partner?

This is a hard one for me as I have no background in this kind of assessment.  Based on what I see and have heard from others and S about her past, I believe she has emotional regulation issues that prevent her from getting too close to people.    

How would you categorize yourself?

An actively-working-on-it codependent.  

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She was for a long time - is not any longer - no idea why it stopped beyond S believing her therapist was "done with her."  Me - I am in and out depending on time available in the week - CBT.    

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

At this point, it can be a massive source of grounding for me.  I've come super far in acceptance and understanding... .and continue to pursue the relationship with that knowledge. Even with use of the tools and acceptance and such, we obviously still do have conflicts, swings in momentum, etc.  There are certainly days and moments where things happen and I feel like I'm losing a grasp on 'reality' again - where her perception, stated as fact, is so contrary to what I know as the truth that I start to question everything, including myself.  When those times happen, I come here and read the stories, see the similarities, and listen to the advice being given.  It helps keep me centered so that I don't swing to the left and to the right with her.  This is my primary goal when I'm here - staying centered in the relationship and staying centered as my own individual.  My therapist has often said there can be no other way and this place helps keep me on that path.  

[wdone]

What type of relationship are you in?

living together, not married, no kids, were engaged.  he's broken it off about 50x.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

i am invested after all the time, challenges we've worked through, and the love and intimacy we have.  

i love our connection, our laughter, our sex, our understanding of each other.

i dont' want to start over with someone else... .

What do you like most about your partner?

i like his strength, the way he is a "man,"    his ability to talk to anyone, his face (he's very attractive), his sexual ability, his little boy innocence, his intelligence and spiritual questioning, his pererverance even though life is so hard for him

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

his distancing - my clinging

his verbal abuse - my low self esteem

my desire to marry and have a family - his ambivalence and fear around this

What do you find most difficult?

his lack of commitent, his shutting down emotionally,. and pushing me away

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

all of the above? BPD from what i know, maybe NPD, aspd

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

i have BPD traits, very low self esteem, depressed

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

we are both in individual T, and have been in couples counsleing but not currently...

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?[/quote]
hmmm, good question... .support from people, to give support to others, to relate and not feel so alone, to grow and learn and heal

[wohills09]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 11

Age: 30's

Married: yes

Children/ages: None

Living Together:  Yes

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I do love him and he has a really good side.

What do you like most about your partner?

When he is in a good mood, he is wonderful, caring, funny, and my best friend.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His anger management issues, his putting me down when he's upset, keeping the high's and low's not so extreme.

What do you find most difficult?

Not being able to be "me".  Walking on eggshells constantly.  Being afraid that I'm going to cause him to go off.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits for sure.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No one is in therapy.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To just be able to talk to people and get advice and know that I'm not alone out there.

[Manz30]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 4 years

Age: 30

Married: Yes since 5 months

Children/ages: No kids yet

Living Together: 4 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

1. Went I met her, I felt a powerful, deep connection to her. It has never stop since and I dont want her condition to split us apart.

2. We want to have kids and I would hate to bring kids into this world and have them go through a divorce.

What do you like most about your partner?

1. She is driven and drives me to excel

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Well I am very easy going with people and I dont hold grudges. If someone crosses her once that person usually ends up on her blacklist, even if they are friends or close family of mine. Its kinda hard to deal with this sometimes.

She is normal when sober but when she has a few drinks; I feel like I am walking on eggshells and any small arguments could trigger her off. I had to drag her to the hospital a few times too as well because she attempted to hurt herself when in a BPD crisis mode.

What do you find most difficult?

The fact that sometimes she did attempt suicide during a crisis. You see when she gets into that mood I try to validate her feeling to calm her down, but then when time out time is the only option left, it isnt really time out as I still have to watch over her. I also have to have her give me all her pills so she doest attempt suicide again. I mean for crissake last time she tried to kill herself by eating a whackload of popcorn.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Still I would say her BPD is quite light; only an excessive amount of alcohol (when she drinks a bottle of wine by herself for exemple) will put her in a state where she could have a crisis. On an everyday basis she sometimes see things black or white but overall she controls herself very well.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am very relax and laid back, and can take lot of use and abuse before I snap. SO sometimes I am not sure if I am "reinforcing" her bad behavior by not reacting right away when she does or says things she should'nt say or do.

Also sometimes I catch myself catching some of her "black and white" view flees.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is starting Dialectic Therapy in two weeks I am very happy and hopeful as I heard it works very well.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Share with others my experience, seek advice and possibly give some if I can

[Aboutme2011]

What type of relationship are you in?  Married

Years together:10

Age:  me 51 him 39

Married: yes

Children/ages: 1 DD 8/y

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: two

Sexual Orientation:  het

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

For our daughter

What do you like most about your partner?  He is faithful

What are the top challenges facing your relationship? His lack of responsibility and bad influence on our daughter

What do you find most difficult?  I have no companionship with him.  He is immature and can't carry on a conversation.  He tells our daughter negative things about me.  I have no physical interest in him and he is always bullying me about sex.

How would you categorize your partner? 

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )  He is diagnosed bipolar and has very many BPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Trying to make the best of it.  I have anxiety, probably a little codependent


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  I am planning to start therapy for my daughter and I.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?  I am open to trying to find a way to stay but feel that it would be better for both my daughter and I to move on.

[Nawledge]

Years together: Almost 3

Age: Me - 30 in 2 months, Her - 34 in 3 months

Married: A year next week

Children/ages: I have 2 from a previous (do not live with) and she has 1 that is not mine (she does live with)

Living Together: We are currently under separation, but had lived together for close to 2 years.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 4 thus far

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because we love each other very deeply.  We were best friends prior to our relationship, and still remain so today.  Neither of us can see ourselves with anyone but each other.  We are both willing to work hard to make this work.

What do you like most about your partner?

When we're together, and she's in my arms, it feels like home.  We understand each other on a level most others don't.  We enjoy a lot of things together, both have a strong passion for music and movies.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her mother is very controlling and intertwined in her daughters life.  She has way too much control.  She also invalidates my wife a great deal which makes it difficult for my wife to make any progress.

What do you find most difficult?

Radical Acceptance

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She Dysregulates a great deal and has a huge fear of commitment, therefore we have broken up the 4 times so far.  Though the last time was more me than her.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I carry low self esteem and have also been diagnosed with Bi-Polar.  I seem to have developed abandonment issues due to my relationship with my wife, and perhaps even a touch of PTSD regarding the situation.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is in individual therapy as well as DBT courses.  I am not actively in therapy but plan on starting again real soon.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn the tools necessary to live with and develop a "healthier" relationship with my wife.

[The Tigress]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

I'm 50 he is 43.  Together for 17 years.  Married 15 years.  Children: 2 sons, ages 12 and 13.  Living 12,000 miles apart.  Broke up once last year when DH had a very full on heavy emotional affair with a woman who turned out to be BPD and BiP.  Now (according to him) separated.  Both straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.  I still see through the FOG that the man I fell in love with is still in there and while there is even a grain of hope that we can be together I won't give up on him.  I believe him to be the best possible father for his 2 boys even with his attendant problems.  I want my family back !

What do you like most about your partner?

He has a beautiful mind, is intelligent, funny, creative, cultured, highly moral, good looking and sexy - need I say more ... .

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Distance above all - not easy to reclaim your husband from 12,000 miles away!  Also he has huge trust and intimacy issues.

What do you find most difficult?

At present engaging with him ! I am also trying to work out the most effective form of communication as this has always been really difficult to accomplish with even a physical presence - let alone virtually!  I need to get him to talk with me - but at the mo' he is avoiding me like the plague.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

ADHD, definite BPD traits with possible NPD ones mixed in. Very high functioning. Wholly undiagnosed as he just cannot admit to any problems!



How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Appalled to find that I have been so Co-dependent and enabling for so long.  Low self esteem for most of my life but now have the wherewithal to understand why which helps hugely.  Reclaimed my personal power now but finding it hard sometimes to fight never ending negativity.  Still find effective communication with DH a problem. Fear of confrontation.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Therapy - where we live ? You have to be joking... . Him - see above !


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To help and be helped.  To learn effective tools for communication and conflict resolution, and to hopefully teach from a staNPDoint of my own experiences.  I can't believe I have been so lucky to find this place with all it's resources and friendly advice - it really is a wonderful 'Family'.  Long may we reign.

[AnitaL]

(Sorry for the delay in posting this -- I was out of town for a month and unable to check in during that time)

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: Known each other for 18 years, married for 12

Age: I am 38, he is 39

Married: 12 years this August

Children/ages: two girls, 1 yr and 3 yrs old

Living Together:  yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation: both straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I know the man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere, and he's hurting so much. I still love him and want to help us find a way through this. Plus he's a really good dad to our girls and they love him dearly -- at this point I still want to do whatever I can to keep our family together.

What do you like most about your partner?

He is very funny and smart, and a loving father.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

He blames me for everything that makes him unhappy (hating where we live, not having enough $$ to live where he wants, not having fulfilling work); I can't do or say anything to help move us past this.

His insomnia and depression making everything a trigger

What do you find most difficult?

My response to his accusations tends toward anger, either toward him or inward, so when he's done raging and wants to be friendly or intimate I have a hard time responding in kind.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Many BPD traits, but high functioning; some NPD as well

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Probably codependent.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Tried couples therapy in the past, as well as separate therapists, but nothing really helped.  He's blamed several therapists for not solving his career problems, being stupid, etc. and our couples therapist essentially gave up trying.  I found info on BPD myself after remembering that a therapist I saw several years ago mentioned it as a possibility.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to work on my own responses and responsibility for our cycles of arguing and blame. 

I want to maintain my joyful nature and continue to do things that I enjoy without feeling overwhelming guilt that arises from being blamed for ruining someone's life and destroying their happiness.

I want to share my stories and help others who are in a similar situation feel that they are not alone, because that on its own has already helped me tremendously.

[MaK]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:

Age: 55

Married: Married

Children/ages:5 (blended) 30,27,27,26,24

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation:Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him!

What do you like most about your partner?

He is my equal

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Me: Trust after 6 instances of indiscretion and porn addiction

What do you find most difficult?

Forgiving him and not becoming a victim

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD, PTSD

How would you categorize yourself?

Codependent, Depressed



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I am in therapy he is not



What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn as much as I can about BPD and learn to cope with this disease for myself, learning to detach and not get sucked into any BPD behaviors.

I want to learn to trust again and not be a victim

I want to be able to tell our story of success

[FullMetal]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6

Age: 34

Married: yes

Children/ages:  4 and 20 months

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her, and I want to stay for the kids.  I know the fun-loving woman I married is there, and I want to help her cope with the abuse she suffered. 

What do you like most about your partner?

When she's normal she's a funny, sweet and kind. 

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

the Mood swings, the continual threats of leaving, yet never leaving.  The continual lies.

What do you find most difficult?

Dealing with the lies.  Having to walk around certain issues.  Being accused of criticing her at every turn when I do something she was supposed to do, (clean the kitchen, do the dishes, whatever if she was going to do it, and I do it.  she gets very upset and thinks I am criticizing her about her housekeeping.  If I mention something, like oh this milk has gone bad I'm going to throw it out, she will turn that around again to be that she should have known it... .etc. 

Hardest though is the infidelity.  She thinks I don't know.  But I know. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She has the majority of the BPD traits, She definately has the black and white thing down pat.  She also has been diagnosed and quite reasonably so of PTSD.  And she often will try to provoke me into striking her (I never have). 

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I had low self esteem, it has improved however in the last 10 years, I was depressed a long time ago, and have come out of it mostly.  I still suffer from dealing with some unknown issues, the fact that about 6-8 months of my life are completely gone from my memory is quite disturbing to me.  I know if we broke up, I wouldn't take her back, as I am doing much better now in that regard. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My wife was in therapy.  Her therapist however recently "quit"  I'm suspecting thats not necessarily true, as this has happened before.  I expect the next few months to be her "trying to find a new therapist"  followed by "I'm to busy" etc.  This is a pattern of hers, and although this round of therapy has been the longest, (almost a year and a half)  I expect it to be a challenge to get her back into therapy. 

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn how to cope, and learn to recognize the signs of it, and to be armed with tools to help defuse situations, and make things better.

[macattack]

What type of relationship are you in?

Romantic

Years together: 4

Age: 28

Married: no

Children/ages:

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  many

Sexual Orientation: lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because I love her and she loves me


What do you like most about your partner?

she is caring, loving, supportive of my goals, committed to treatment, honest, beautiful, smart


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Bad people from her past, communication, trust, she always says she is done when we fight, accepting who we both are, co dependence


What do you find most difficult?

Not taking to heart her words & actions or behaviors,.her past in discrepancies


How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? moderate at times when stressed

How would you categorize yourself?

Co dependent, low self esteem


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

[hiswife]

What type of relationship are you in? romantic/marriage

Years together: 4

Age: 31

Married: 3

Children/ages: none

Living Together: yes, 4 yrs

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: never

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.  I am committed to him & our marriage.  I have a great time with him when we engage in adventures.

What do you like most about your partner?

His curiosity/interest in learning about new things & having new experiences.  When he shows his love for me and tries to make experiences special/memorable for us.  His hugs.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Sex, money & trust issues.

What do you find most difficult?

Talking to him when he is obviously trying to be manipulative.  :)ealing with his dependency & my seemingly growing dependency (I've always been extremely independent; including in past long-term relationships).

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Case study for someone with BPD (when I run down the list of traits, I can check every single box); also exhibits NPD traits.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Use to be happy & outgoing, but would increasingly call myself depressed & codependent.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

no

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I'm not sure.  I want things to get better.  I want to cope better.  I know it will not be easy, but I want to try.

[megocean]

What type of relationship are you in?

For me: in love

For both of us: we spend time together a few times a week, feel close, make love, cook, read, watch movies

Years together: almost 2, this time

Age: early middle age

Married: no

Children/ages: no

Living Together: no

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: twice

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

It gives me great pleasure to be in his presence. I admire and adore him. I feel a deep and abiding connection, like I have felt with no one else.


What do you like most about your partner?

He makes me smile and laugh, he can predict what interests and pleases me. I love to look at and touch him. He is always interesting.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

He wants no involvement with my friends and family. He is threatened by my other important relationships. He rages and is controlling. I need to learn to detach.


What do you find most difficult?

Giving him room, staying out of his way when he is dysregulated. I feel abandoned. I am working very hard on this and it might be getting a bit better.


How would you categorize your partner?

a very high functioning but quite ill BPD.



How would you categorize yourself?

Depressive, a BPD trait here or there, but a therapy success story in that I have developed tremendously during my life and years of therapy. A way to go, but maybe getting there!

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

In a psychodynamic therapy now, but have done (and studied professionally) some DBT skills

He IS a therapist, but not in therapy.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn what has helped others improve their relationships. I have learned quite a bit already, thanks

[evelynn]

What type of relationship are you in? Engaged

Years together:1

Age:38

Married:not yet

Children/ages:12- mine before this relationship

Living Together:not yet

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 4

Sexual Orientation:lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? I am very much in love with my girlfriend- she is fun charismatic and I feel that I can share anything with her- other than the problems I have with her.  We share a common love for animals and nature.  WE love where we live and have a desire to be better people.  WE compliment each other in many ways


What do you like most about your partner?  She's smart, beautiful, thoughtful and caring


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Distance and combining daughter and pets


What do you find most difficult?Her mood swings and inability to live in the moment- she can't accept my unavailability and I have an adopted daughter who also has abandonment issues


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits- highly isightful of emotions of hers and mine- withdrawing- overspending and thoughtful of me- she started drinking more and smoking- gambles


How would you categorize yourself? Codependent with a lot of carried fear


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I go to 12 step meetings and weekly therapy and have spent time away since being in this relationship


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To increase my awareness of BPD- how to take care of myself and my daughter in this relationship

to figure out where my codependence and compassion  might put me emotionally at risk- or even my daughter

How to make my relationship with my BPD girlfriend be healthy- as I love her so very very much

[ForMeNow]

What type of relationship are you in? commited

Years together:  17

Age:  me 51 her 41

Married:

Children/ages:

Living Together:  17

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation:  lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her, she is smart, brave and so strong. (even though she questions the brave and strong)

plus 17 years is too long to just give up.

What do you like most about your partner?

she is so strong and willing to work so hard to better herself.

she takes my breath away when she enters a room... .still.

she loves my children and grandchildren.



What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

She lies so easily... .and I am done supporting any lies.


What do you find most difficult?

dealing with my anger and accepting that I cannot take things personal


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Bipolar-Borderline Personality disorder-Narcisistic, heavy on the latter


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

healthier than 3 years ago... .

low self esteem codependent and drepressed... .Blah

but working towards being more healthy



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

we are both in therapy... .she also goes to a chemical dependancy program and an outpatient program on BPD.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com

for the this to be an extra insight added to my therapy

to be comforted in knowing I am not alone. 

And to offer my experiences with hope it may comfort others.

[hnejeknf]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:4

Age:me:27 him:34

Married:no

Children/ages:his first son 9 NC, our sons 3 and 6mths old

Living Together:4

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: non

Sexual Orientation:hetrosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? it will be worth not give up, for the kids, for us. to make a happy life for us.

What do you like most about your partner? not sure at the moment,


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? substance abuse, repect


What do you find most difficult?


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com

[pointblankdp42]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:2

Age:me:29 her:28

Married:no

Children/ages: None

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation:heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I want to be able to settle down and hopefully start a family and have a good amount of stability and support in my life.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her sense of humour, her open mind and acceptance.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Right now, the top challenges are our sexuality (or lack of), alcohol consumption (there is none right now, but I would like to be able to drink once in a while without making a big scene about it), and I guess a little bit of jealousy that comes with the BPD package.

What do you find most difficult?

Not seeing or feeling any kind of physical intimacy aside from hugs and little pecks. Although I've read some of the boards and I see some don't even get that, so, part of me thinks I shouldn't even complain... .


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Diagnosed with BPD and OCD.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) Some traits of low self esteem/codependency. Only get temporary depressed when I don't feel "loved" by my partner (due to lack of physical intimacy).


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Yes, she is. I believe it's psychodynamic or Masterson approach mostly.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com

My goals are currently to find ways to cope with the pain I'm feeling in the relationship and find some guidance as well, especially as I feel like I'm in the dark concerning her therapy and don't know how to ack/behave right now and find it very difficult to "hold myself back".