is she completely over me?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This has definitely been my experience ... .Always waiting for the next shoe to drop ... .I had begun to wonder if my expectation that things were going to go wrong contributed to them going wrong ... .But the constant looking for clues, watching everything so you could figure out either, what was coming next or why what happened happened, wore me out.

Yes. This is important. At a certain point you will end up making yourself very ill.

Another poster wrote on the Was I loved? thread: "I didn't grasp the reality I was dealing with at the time but I do remember specifically feeling like if I was not there with him all the time then I could not feel safe in the relationship. I realized how easy it would be for him to latch on to someone else who could feed that need. Love is not about need. That's fear."

How can you love if you're afraid the love will leave?  Unfortunately, this fear of abandonment was also my own problem. I did what I had to do. Let go and with love. I thought I could do it with mutual love and respect- so much so that I received an email after I called one afternoon- after the summer ended. (We had not spoken for three months.)

"Thank you for calling this morning. It was wonderful to hear your voice. Today is a very special day to me.  I want to listen to everything you have to say. I want to be your best friend, so you can get to know the real me. I am looking forward to the challenge of my work. I know you have doubts and don't trust me. I don't blame you. I love you, and truly want the best for you. I am here for you. You can call any time. I promise that if I ever feel even the slightest hesitation about my love for you I will tell you. But I have no hesitation whatsoever, and zero interest in anyone else.

I want to be your friend, and get to know each other,and let what will be be. I will work on being alone, and being happy alone. I know I need to continue to work on liking myself in order for you or anyone else to like me.  I think the world of you - I don't say that to please you, it just is the way of it. I want to examine my hub and core issues, and face them so they no longer have any power over me. I want to listen, really listen to everything you have to say.  Take your time, I am calm and working on my stuff. And you are always in my mind and in my heart. ~*~"

By September, he had Married someone else.

You see, it wasn't ever about love. It was about need. As another poster said: "There is no space in love for need, not the bottomless kind that BPs have. A partner can't feed the need so that it's satiated, just like a black hole doesn't get full, no matter how much matter it sucks into it... .That may seem like a harsh metaphor, but I'm not saying that the person is the black hole - I'm saying their NEED is. I don't have that need any more... .But to him, love is something you give and take based on performance."  Borderlines feed off of people. If you're not there- they'll feed off of someone else. That's a FEARsome need. No partner can live like that without getting ill.

I look back now and see my own needs as the culprit in this. They were so lonely and needy and mostly fantasy based on what this person did for me in the beginning, kind of like Tom Hanks in the film Castaway with his imaginary friend, Wilson, the volleyball.  Is Wilson completely over me? The answer is that Wilson wasn't a real person, Wilson was made up in my head. Wilson represented my family of origin and when he fell overboard and got lost, he ripped the scars off of my childhood wounding. But like Tom Hanks, I kind of HAD to lose Wilson, if I was ever going to return to the normal world again.

[2010]

This has definitely been my experience ... .Always waiting for the next shoe to drop ... .I had begun to wonder if my expectation that things were going to go wrong contributed to them going wrong ... .But the constant looking for clues, watching everything so you could figure out either, what was coming next or why what happened happened, wore me out.

Yes. This is important. At a certain point you will end up making yourself very ill.

Another poster wrote on the Was I loved? thread: "I didn't grasp the reality I was dealing with at the time but I do remember specifically feeling like if I was not there with him all the time then I could not feel safe in the relationship. I realized how easy it would be for him to latch on to someone else who could feed that need. Love is not about need. That's fear."

How can you love if you're afraid the love will leave?  Unfortunately, this fear of abandonment was also my own problem. I did what I had to do. Let go and with love. I thought I could do it with mutual love and respect- so much so that I received an email after I called one afternoon- after the summer ended. (We had not spoken for three months.)

"Thank you for calling this morning. It was wonderful to hear your voice. Today is a very special day to me.  I want to listen to everything you have to say. I want to be your best friend, so you can get to know the real me. I am looking forward to the challenge of my work. I know you have doubts and don't trust me. I don't blame you. I love you, and truly want the best for you. I am here for you. You can call any time. I promise that if I ever feel even the slightest hesitation about my love for you I will tell you. But I have no hesitation whatsoever, and zero interest in anyone else.

I want to be your friend, and get to know each other,and let what will be be. I will work on being alone, and being happy alone. I know I need to continue to work on liking myself in order for you or anyone else to like me.  I think the world of you - I don't say that to please you, it just is the way of it. I want to examine my hub and core issues, and face them so they no longer have any power over me. I want to listen, really listen to everything you have to say.  Take your time, I am calm and working on my stuff. And you are always in my mind and in my heart. ~*~"

By September, he had Married someone else.

You see, it wasn't ever about love. It was about need. As another poster said: "There is no space in love for need, not the bottomless kind that BPs have. A partner can't feed the need so that it's satiated, just like a black hole doesn't get full, no matter how much matter it sucks into it... .That may seem like a harsh metaphor, but I'm not saying that the person is the black hole - I'm saying their NEED is. I don't have that need any more... .But to him, love is something you give and take based on performance."  Borderlines feed off of people. If you're not there- they'll feed off of someone else. That's a FEARsome need. No partner can live like that without getting ill.

I look back now and see my own needs as the culprit in this. They were so lonely and needy and mostly fantasy based on what this person did for me in the beginning, kind of like Tom Hanks in the film Castaway with his imaginary friend, Wilson, the volleyball.  Is Wilson completely over me? The answer is that Wilson wasn't a real person, Wilson was made up in my head. Wilson represented my family of origin and when he fell overboard and got lost, he ripped the scars off of my childhood wounding. But like Tom Hanks, I kind of HAD to lose Wilson, if I was ever going to return to the normal world again.

[tornadochaser]

You see, it wasn't ever about love. It was about need. As another poster said: "There is no space in love for need, not the bottomless kind that BPs have. A partner can't feed the need so that it's satiated, just like a black hole doesn't get full, no matter how much matter it sucks into it... .That may seem like a harsh metaphor, but I'm not saying that the person is the black hole - I'm saying their NEED is. I don't have that need any more... .But to him, love is something you give and take based on performance."  Borderlines feed off of people. If you're not there- they'll feed off of someone else. That's a FEARsome need. No partner can live like that without getting ill.

I look back now and see my own needs as the culprit in this. They were so lonely and needy and mostly fantasy based on what this person did for me in the beginning, kind of like Tom Hanks in the film Castaway with his imaginary friend, Wilson, the volleyball.  Is Wilson completely over me? The answer is that Wilson wasn't a real person, Wilson was made up in my head. Wilson represented my family of origin and when he fell overboard and got lost, he ripped the scars off of my childhood wounding. But like Tom Hanks, I kind of HAD to lose Wilson, if I was ever going to return to the normal world again.

Wow - this is powerful truth!  You are on the path to healing an greatness!

[Marcie]

great thread I've Learned so much from reading this. Thank you all I had been wondering the same. Does he even think of me anymore?

[once removed]

great thread I've Learned so much from reading this. Thank you all I had been wondering the same. Does he even think of me anymore?

marcie,

he is still a human being. of course he does. you're not erased from his memory or forgotten.the extent to which he does, and the kind of thinking he does aren't really answerable (maybe you'll be able to answer for yourself in time), but you have not been wiped from the face of the earth, if that's what you're asking.

[Checkmate]

maybe another way to think of this can be:


It's not that they don't think of us, it's that they think more of themselves than anyone else. We always take second place to whatever else or whoever else they put before us.

[whitedoe]

Friend, you are asking a question that only she can answer.  IMO, you are still dependent on her in some way, psychologically/emotionally.

Ignore the things she's said.  They are meaningless.  It's what helped hook you in the first place.  pwBPd tend to be overdramatic about how they express themselves.  I fell for it with my ex and it blinded me.  She said she loved me, but really, it doesn't matter.  Your ex saying she needs to be alone might well be her way of softening the blow to you.  Better to say, "I need to be alone" than to say "We just aren't compatible" or worse.

Instead, focus on where you are today, and where you want to be tomorrow.  Try to imagine a life without her, period.  There is no in between here.  It's all in or all out.  Stop compartmentalizing what type of pwBPD she is.  She is a person who made a decision to end the relationship.  That's all that matters.

Great post, David... .I find myself doing this very thing... ."compartmentalizing" what "type" of pwBPD/NPD he was? I feel like the "crazy one"... .I pray to God that I can stop insanity of "over analyzing" and return to living my life again. After 3 1/2 months, I have to face the painful reality that he does not love me or even really care to know how I'm doing anymore... .He truly "moved on" and never looked back... .

I never contact him, never would (far too proud?) but I remain emotionally/psychologically "hooked" into this painful loss for some reason... .He remains that first thought in my mind when I wake and the last thought before I sleep at night... .Aghhh... .When does this stop? I know this is all about "me", my wounds that are not healing... .and knowing his exact diagnosis and/or where he is in his life right now has little to do with healing myself... .Soo painful... .

[whitedoe]

This has definitely been my experience ... .Always waiting for the next shoe to drop ... .I had begun to wonder if my expectation that things were going to go wrong contributed to them going wrong ... .But the constant looking for clues, watching everything so you could figure out either, what was coming next or why what happened happened, wore me out.

Yes. This is important. At a certain point you will end up making yourself very ill.

Another poster wrote on the Was I loved? thread: "I didn't grasp the reality I was dealing with at the time but I do remember specifically feeling like if I was not there with him all the time then I could not feel safe in the relationship. I realized how easy it would be for him to latch on to someone else who could feed that need. Love is not about need. That's fear."

How can you love if you're afraid the love will leave?  Unfortunately, this fear of abandonment was also my own problem. I did what I had to do. Let go and with love. I thought I could do it with mutual love and respect- so much so that I received an email after I called one afternoon- after the summer ended. (We had not spoken for three months.)

"Thank you for calling this morning. It was wonderful to hear your voice. Today is a very special day to me.  I want to listen to everything you have to say. I want to be your best friend, so you can get to know the real me. I am looking forward to the challenge of my work. I know you have doubts and don't trust me. I don't blame you. I love you, and truly want the best for you. I am here for you. You can call any time. I promise that if I ever feel even the slightest hesitation about my love for you I will tell you. But I have no hesitation whatsoever, and zero interest in anyone else.

I want to be your friend, and get to know each other,and let what will be be. I will work on being alone, and being happy alone. I know I need to continue to work on liking myself in order for you or anyone else to like me.  I think the world of you - I don't say that to please you, it just is the way of it. I want to examine my hub and core issues, and face them so they no longer have any power over me. I want to listen, really listen to everything you have to say.  Take your time, I am calm and working on my stuff. And you are always in my mind and in my heart. ~*~"

By September, he had Married someone else.

You see, it wasn't ever about love. It was about need. As another poster said: "There is no space in love for need, not the bottomless kind that BPs have. A partner can't feed the need so that it's satiated, just like a black hole doesn't get full, no matter how much matter it sucks into it... .That may seem like a harsh metaphor, but I'm not saying that the person is the black hole - I'm saying their NEED is. I don't have that need any more... .But to him, love is something you give and take based on performance."  Borderlines feed off of people. If you're not there- they'll feed off of someone else. That's a FEARsome need. No partner can live like that without getting ill.

I look back now and see my own needs as the culprit in this. They were so lonely and needy and mostly fantasy based on what this person did for me in the beginning, kind of like Tom Hanks in the film Castaway with his imaginary friend, Wilson, the volleyball.  Is Wilson completely over me? The answer is that Wilson wasn't a real person, Wilson was made up in my head. Wilson represented my family of origin and when he fell overboard and got lost, he ripped the scars off of my childhood wounding. But like Tom Hanks, I kind of HAD to lose Wilson, if I was ever going to return to the normal world again.

2010, as I read this post, it brings to mind the “angst” I used to feel when we parted. Ours was an LD relationship (very unnecessarily so, due to his various limitations, parenting schedules, etc... .but that’s another “red flag” that I choose to ignore). None the less,  when we would say goodbye, my eyes would tear up... .this was because there was a “strange” pattern with him. I knew that when I left, over time (1-2 weeks) he would start “forgetting”... .It was as though he could not hold onto the amazing time, the closeness, the connection that we had during the time we’d just spent together... .His communications would “derail”, becoming less intimate and more “impersonal”. I began to feel that unless I was there more, physically with him, he would “forget” us? I couldn’t understand this behavior in him? It confused me so much b/c once we returned together physically again, it was right where we left off?

I used to hold him close to me upon parting and whisper to him, “remember, remember us” while I’m gone... .He didn’t share the emotions of our partings... .He seemed “disconnected” while I quietly cried. I became “afraid” to leave him physically because I knew the emotional distance that would inevitably follow each time... . 

This feels like a “variation” of your poster who stated:

"I didn't grasp the reality I was dealing with at the time but I do remember specifically feeling like if I was not there with him all the time then I could not feel safe in the relationship. I realized how easy it would be for him to latch on to someone else who could feed that need. Love is not about need. That's fear."

I now realize that I did not feel “safe” in the relationship. If I weren’t physically present, he would “forget”... .I don’t believe he turned to “other women” but rather, he filled his world with “extracurriculars” as he would call them... .He had an absolute obsession with singing... .it consumed many of his evenings and the better part of many weekends... .Multiple chorus practices and concerts... .And his beautiful daughters filled the rest of his life... .Yes, he was still not “divorced” but I believe that relationship to be “non-intimate”... .a “pathological contract” as was pointed out to me... .and another topic for a different post... .


Once I was gone, I never knew “which” mood he would be in when we spoke on the phone again... .“warm/intimate” or “withdrawn/sad” or extremely “anxious”... .Aghh... .nothing was ever “stable”... .I could never count on him to do what he said he would do... .Alway excuses and drama, inconsistencies, confusion, chaos, ... .no stability in him? Aghh... .Not until we were back together physically, then all was “beautiful” again - almost always... .He would tell me how much he "craved me"... .all that passion, seduction, amazing love making, everything I needed... .I used to say "honey, you're back"... .Aghh... .Yes, meaning the man physically with me had returned from the "abyss" - that period of time that we were physically apart seemed like the abyss to me?

I’m sorry I am digressing here... .But there was something in this post that triggered that feeling “unsafe” with him... .and it really didn’t have anything to do with another woman? I wonder if this makes sense to anyone else? So many posts are about pwBPD moving on with other people so quickly... .In my situation, it wasn’t another “person”, just “out of sight, forgotten”... .and a life filled with “extracurriculars”... .? I can’t begin to speak to the times that our plans to be together were preempted by “last minute” chorus rehearsals? Aghh... .More painful memories... .

[harlemgurl]

Wow.

Reading the responses just makes me feel like the biggest loser. I fell in love with a cloud of smoke.

[once removed]

wd,

"After 3 1/2 months, I have to face the painful reality that he does not love me or even really care to know how I'm doing anymore... .He truly "moved on" and never looked back... ."

i think you might be looking at that reality a little more painfully than need be. the way that you put this humanizes him in kind of simplistic way. it's not like a normal person "caring to know how you're doing anymore" or not. let's not forget there are powerful things at work in his disordered mind, built in defense mechanisms. to me it's a bit more like (and this is admittedly speculating) he CAN'T care to know how you're doing. you're personalizing it. and that is painful. but really see it for the disorder that it is. not that "he" "doesn't" "care" "about YOU." that may not be true, for one thing. but if it's true, it's because he can't, not because he doesn't. i don't want to sound nitpicky, but i think there's a difference, and one way is a bit more painful a way to look at it, and i think it misses the full picture. the full picture is perhaps less painful. hopefully.

[whitedoe]

They were never into you to begin with

They are seriously mentally ill. Stop trying to make sense of her behavior. You can't. Stop trying to rationalize it. That's why it's called "mental illness" and a "Personality Disorder". For a borderline to admit they have BPD is to admit their perceptions of reality have been crazy their entire lives and that they are insane. It's life changing for a BPD to get better. It takes real commitment and you have to constantly be fighting your very perception of reality. Think about that and understand the magnitude of such a thing. It's daunting and is terrifying for someone with BPD. It's alright to take pity on their condition and empathize, but you need to accept it, pity it for a moment, then move on with your life. Forever. There's no going back. She's already violated every possible boundary a healthy person would even begin to accept with you. It's admirable that you still care for her, but take it from someone who knows. They are wasted tears and wasted emotions. Your BPD is not thinking about you at all. She never does. She has new supply now that is meeting her emotional needs at the moment. There is no guilt. No "sigh, I miss him" crap you see in the movies. They are out laughing and having a great time in the arms of another man. Believe it and accept it or you will drive yourself off the cliff emotionally and go crazy yourself. That cloudy thinking leaves you stuck in Oz and vulnerable to that sucking sound of a very good vacuum cleaner.

A lot of people cling on to a desperate hope that "there's a chance", because there have been VERY FEW success stories. BPD is never cured though. It's a life long condition, yes even with DBT. Borderlines can only learn to recognize suppress and control their behavioral urges. Not stop them. There is biological evidence to prove this and there is very intriguing data about how the amydala can be a key factor in the illness, on how there is differences between normal people and borderlines in this regard.

You have to stay NC to protect you from yourself. I know what would happen if she contacted you right now. You'd be on your guard, but you'd talk to her, feel the intoxication of her attention because it's feeding your addiction to her. She would seem normal, maybe even tell you "You're really the one. She needs you. Only you understand her... blah blah blah"... .but you have to understand, when you're dealing with a borderline, it's never about you. Ever. "It's always about them."

Once that simple statement, "It's always about them" truly resonates within you and you accept it, you will never be over this relationship. It's taken me years to start to feel normal again after my relationship. I'm only telling you this because I empathize with where you are right now. How you feel. I've been there man, stuck in the deepest pit of despair over my heart ache and sense of insanity and injustice. It makes you question your very existence. It's as if who you thought you were was a lie, because of how easily discarded like used tissue they made you feel. It's a very real and very large ego hit. It destroys what's called your ideal self. The truth is they were a lie. Their entire lives are a lie. It was never a real relationship between the two of you. Not on any rational, sane, healthy level. It's not possible with a borderline.

You were abused. Badly. No amount of iron mental defenses a person has, it can quickly wither under the subtle manipulations of a borderline. They have been known to manipulate therapists using tactics like Projective Identification. It's toxic mentally to be around these people for sustained periods of time. Now that I've been out of Oz for awhile I've met women and dated them and immediately recognized the HUGE ridiculous red flags that borderlines exhibit early on in the relationship.

This is true for all borderlines. When you first meet them they are very engaging. They suck you in. Make you feel like home. Their attention is fixated on you, and only you. You feel wanted. What you think is the "chemistry" you've been looking for, is a death trap. You need to run away. Even when they mirror you, within the first or second date, they can't keep the BPD behaviors in check. Look for the subtle signs. How they make quick movements and will do loud things, because they want people to look at them. They always want attention. When I'd go to a bar with my ex, it was always about her from the second we walked in. She wanted people to look at her 24/7. She'd wear really tight outfits so her body was on full display. They want attention 24/7.

When they are mirroring you and sucking you in, remind yourself that there is a guy who really cares about her that is exactly like you. Being played. Manipulated. Used. Taken for granted. Once they smash your boundaries and you accept it, forget it. They have you and then you're in for a world of pain my friend. It never ends well with these people. They are a wrecking ball to all the lives they come in intimate contact with. You're never the only one seeing the BPD behavior and/or being a victim of it. Other people see it too. Their family knows. Deep down, unless they are crazy too. Borderlines stick out like sore thumbs to people who are rational with solid healthy boundaries in place. Healthy people avoid them like the plague.

You have a long journey ahead of you. I'd advise you to start strapping on your boots now, because you're going to go through boot camp. It's going to be an emotional hell for you to truly address the reason why you got involved with this woman. You didn't find this website by accident. None of us do. We went searching for something because we knew something just "wasn't right". Even under all the projection, blaming, rages, confusion, push pull, weird insane behaviors, there was a sane part of us that would not crumble. We googled things like "My ex cheated on me while my father was dying from cancer and now acts like I don't exist literally overnight" and up came with a million hits for BPD.

There are a lot of powerful tools and discussion on these boards for nons who are desperate for help and answers to the private hell they've been living. Nons are victims of abuse and like any victim of extreme abuse, people don't usually talk about it. I'd recommend you go buy the book "One Way Ticket to Kansas". Read it 50 times if you have to until the reality of your situation starts to really sink in.

Aghh... .I appreciate this post so much, Howzah... . I definitely need to read this post of yours 5000 times... .  And then, I'll find that book and read it as well - thank you!

For me, the emotional abuse was much more "subtle", the narcissism blatantly present, and confusion and chaos- over the top?... .

But the "bait" was his warm, sensitive (where did that go?) heart that aggressively pursued me and took me "off balance"... .I'd never experienced such a feeling of being "loved, adored, and craved" by a man in my entire life... .

Having never heard of BPD and/or NPD, I simple couldn't figure out why I felt so drawn to him yet at the same time also felt "nervous", as though something just wasn't "right" with him... .there was an incongruence with his words/deeds... .I was given the words, the poems, the lovemaking but where were the "actions/deeds" that showed me that he cared about "me" at all? That was the piece that never added up? It was always all about him!- Definitely was in my r/s... . So confusing?

WhiteDoe

[Marcie]

This is probably a bad example but when I think does he miss me?

I think does Casey Anthony miss her ex? I doubt it. She seems to only be into herself. Thats probably how he is regarding me. It's like, why keep going to a dry well for water... .Im not going to get any water.

[Split black]

They were never into you to begin with

They are seriously mentally ill. Stop trying to make sense of her behavior. You can't. Stop trying to rationalize it. That's why it's called "mental illness" and a "Personality Disorder". For a borderline to admit they have BPD is to admit their perceptions of reality have been crazy their entire lives and that they are insane. It's life changing for a BPD to get better. It takes real commitment and you have to constantly be fighting your very perception of reality. Think about that and understand the magnitude of such a thing. It's daunting and is terrifying for someone with BPD. It's alright to take pity on their condition and empathize, but you need to accept it, pity it for a moment, then move on with your life. Forever. There's no going back. She's already violated every possible boundary a healthy person would even begin to accept with you. It's admirable that you still care for her, but take it from someone who knows. They are wasted tears and wasted emotions. Your BPD is not thinking about you at all. She never does. She has new supply now that is meeting her emotional needs at the moment. There is no guilt. No "sigh, I miss him" crap you see in the movies. They are out laughing and having a great time in the arms of another man. Believe it and accept it or you will drive yourself off the cliff emotionally and go crazy yourself. That cloudy thinking leaves you stuck in Oz and vulnerable to that sucking sound of a very good vacuum cleaner.

A lot of people cling on to a desperate hope that "there's a chance", because there have been VERY FEW success stories. BPD is never cured though. It's a life long condition, yes even with DBT. Borderlines can only learn to recognize suppress and control their behavioral urges. Not stop them. There is biological evidence to prove this and there is very intriguing data about how the amydala can be a key factor in the illness, on how there is differences between normal people and borderlines in this regard.

You have to stay NC to protect you from yourself. I know what would happen if she contacted you right now. You'd be on your guard, but you'd talk to her, feel the intoxication of her attention because it's feeding your addiction to her. She would seem normal, maybe even tell you "You're really the one. She needs you. Only you understand her... blah blah blah"... . but you have to understand, when you're dealing with a borderline, it's never about you. Ever. "It's always about them."

Once that simple statement, "It's always about them" truly resonates within you and you accept it, you will never be over this relationship. It's taken me years to start to feel normal again after my relationship. I'm only telling you this because I empathize with where you are right now. How you feel. I've been there man, stuck in the deepest pit of despair over my heart ache and sense of insanity and injustice. It makes you question your very existence. It's as if who you thought you were was a lie, because of how easily discarded like used tissue they made you feel. It's a very real and very large ego hit. It destroys what's called your ideal self. The truth is they were a lie. Their entire lives are a lie. It was never a real relationship between the two of you. Not on any rational, sane, healthy level. It's not possible with a borderline.

You were abused. Badly. No amount of iron mental defenses a person has, it can quickly wither under the subtle manipulations of a borderline. They have been known to manipulate therapists using tactics like Projective Identification. It's toxic mentally to be around these people for sustained periods of time. Now that I've been out of Oz for awhile I've met women and dated them and immediately recognized the HUGE ridiculous red flags that borderlines exhibit early on in the relationship.

This is true for all borderlines. When you first meet them they are very engaging. They suck you in. Make you feel like home. Their attention is fixated on you, and only you. You feel wanted. What you think is the "chemistry" you've been looking for, is a death trap. You need to run away. Even when they mirror you, within the first or second date, they can't keep the BPD behaviors in check. Look for the subtle signs. How they make quick movements and will do loud things, because they want people to look at them. They always want attention. When I'd go to a bar with my ex, it was always about her from the second we walked in. She wanted people to look at her 24/7. She'd wear really tight outfits so her body was on full display. They want attention 24/7.

When they are mirroring you and sucking you in, remind yourself that there is a guy who really cares about her that is exactly like you. Being played. Manipulated. Used. Taken for granted. Once they smash your boundaries and you accept it, forget it. They have you and then you're in for a world of pain my friend. It never ends well with these people. They are a wrecking ball to all the lives they come in intimate contact with. You're never the only one seeing the BPD behavior and/or being a victim of it. Other people see it too. Their family knows. Deep down, unless they are crazy too. Borderlines stick out like sore thumbs to people who are rational with solid healthy boundaries in place. Healthy people avoid them like the plague.

You have a long journey ahead of you. I'd advise you to start strapping on your boots now, because you're going to go through boot camp. It's going to be an emotional hell for you to truly address the reason why you got involved with this woman. You didn't find this website by accident. None of us do. We went searching for something because we knew something just "wasn't right". Even under all the projection, blaming, rages, confusion, push pull, weird insane behaviors, there was a sane part of us that would not crumble. We googled things like "My ex cheated on me while my father was dying from cancer and now acts like I don't exist literally overnight" and up came with a million hits for BPD.

There are a lot of powerful tools and discussion on these boards for nons who are desperate for help and answers to the private hell they've been living. Nons are victims of abuse and like any victim of extreme abuse, people don't usually talk about it. I'd recommend you go buy the book "One Way Ticket to Kansas". Read it 50 times if you have to until the reality of your situation starts to really sink in.

I wanted to recycle this thread because this is exactly how I wish I didnt have to feel but do. Within the body of these paragraphs is a reality Im still striving to totally accept. Day by day... .   Im going to get my head into this space. I swear it.

[dansure]

Wow, this is by far the best thread I have been reading on this board so far! Great posts!

[GuiltHaunted]

3 months after my uBPDexgf broke up with me (3 month into her new relationship with my replacement, her sister's exbf!), I picked up my last stuff at her place. Her iPhone had just broken, and as the "nice guy" I am, I offered to backup her picture and send her on a CD. Actually, it was selfish looking for the answers that she didn't give me. I backed up all of the phone and was able to read her messages (which I in hindsight wouldn't recommend anyone). Anyway, about 1 1/2 month after the breakup, she wrote her friend something along the lines of:

"... . it's crazy, I often think about GuiltHaunted"

Only, send my mind spinning: what does often mean? As I was thinking about her 24/7, "often" didn't really cut it for me! 

Beside from that, every message she send "sister___er" resemble messages she had sent me in the past, complete with same motive pictures and emoticons.

[Split black]

3 months after my uBPDexgf broke up with me (3 month into her new relationship with my replacement, her sister's exbf!), I picked up my last stuff at her place. Her iPhone had just broken, and as the "nice guy" I am, I offered to backup her picture and send her on a CD. Actually, it was selfish looking for the answers that she didn't give me. I backed up all of the phone and was able to read her messages (which I in hindsight wouldn't recommend anyone). Anyway, about 1 1/2 month after the breakup, she wrote her friend something along the lines of:

"... . it's crazy, I often think about GuiltHaunted"

Only, send my mind spinning: what does often mean? As I was thinking about her 24/7, "often" didn't really cut it for me! 

Beside from that, every message she send "sister___er" resemble messages she had sent me in the past, complete with same motive pictures and emoticons.

What it means is that shes doing her sisters exbf and shes going to cheat on him with someone else. Hope its not going to be you... . run.

[BorisAcusio]

Beside from that, every message she send "sister___er" resemble messages she had sent me in the past, complete with same motive pictures and emoticons.

Well, after our first recycle I logged into her Facebook account just to found out she was screwing a guy behind my back. She used the exact(!) same sentences, character by character to seduce him. It was like a damn script.

Then she tried to turn me into an emotional tampoo/orbiter just like her every other exes. You thought it was all special? It wasn't... .

[GuiltHaunted]

The first 2 months after the breakup (when she wrote that message to her friend), I was only in very very low contact with her (practical stuff only). A few weeks after the mail, she seriously raged at me pr. Whatsapp, accusing me of moving on too fast and having had someone behind her back (all projection, all stuff that she did).

And I think, that rage attack was actually a sign that she was done with me. She even wrote so: "now it's finally the time to tell you something... . " and the the rage and name calling (I am apparently the worst a$$hole EVER to walk the planet).

I had been so strong up till then, but broke completely down, and poored my emotions on her because her perception was so skewed. The result was regret and compassion from her raging, but also total indifference. So I think it maked the point where she was done with me... .

That's all 9-10 months ago, and the neutral talk continued (to my pain) until around Xmas. Since them we have been in NC on my request.

I don't think I will ever hear from her again.

[expos]

Well - look at it this way... .

Did they ever talk about their exes when they were with you?  I know mine did, and never had flattering thing to say about any of them.  What's odd is that I actually met one of them, and he was a VERY good guy.

So yeah, they might be completely over you - but they do get triggered by memories.  My ex had a boyfriend who liked the show Family Guy.  I never watched the show, to be honest, but flipped it on briefly one day and watched a few minutes out of curiosity.  She told me to shut it off immediately.

because HE used to watch it.

BPD don't like to deal with their problems or acknowledge faults.  They want to FORGET and suppress all the terrible things they did to their exes.   They never feel they are to blame.   She doesn't WANT to think about you, so they move on fast to forget you.

Don't worry, there is no real cure to this.  Your replacement will suffer the same fate.  You were nothing special to them, just like your replacement will be nothing special in 5 months or 5 years down the road.

[Mutt]

BPD don't like to deal with their problems or acknowledge faults.  They want to FORGET and suppress all the terrible things they did to their exes.   They never feel they are to blame.   She doesn't WANT to think about you, so they move on fast to forget you.

On the flip side, I have seen non's that don't acknowledge their true feelings and distort them. I've seen people that have exit affairs, only to enter into another r/s without missing a beat  

Don't worry, there is no real cure to this.  Your replacement will suffer the same fate.  You were nothing special to them, just like your replacement will be nothing special in 5 months or 5 years down the road.

I can honestly say that I didn't get that vibe from my ex. That I meant nothing, I think that she tried her best with what she has. At her core, she was a damaged, abandoned little girl.