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Author Topic: How do BPD's react to the death of a parent?  (Read 2136 times)
yellowmoon

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« on: June 12, 2011, 02:49:56 AM »

I have had a tumultuous relationship with my exBPD for the past 2.5 years with many, many breakups on her part. 

This time seems different and she is adamant that she does not want a relationship.  Her 80 yr old adoptive father passed away suddenly 6 months ago and she took it extremely badly.  Since then things went downhill in terms of her distance towards me and she is now in a state of immense anger and depression. During that time I supported her in any way I could but it never seemed enough.  We continued to go to counselling together and she would see the light and then break up with me again.

She has stated many times that her view of the world has now changed, how she just wants to be alone, how she has nothing to give and the relationship is impeding her grieving process.  However, her grieving seems to involve being in a complete state of withdrawal from the world and distractions including 3-4 hours per day looking at real estate and even more just searching the internet and focusing on work. 

I am very interested in other people's opinions on how a BPD reacts to the death of a parent or loved one?  I suspect her feelings of abandonment have been exacerbated by this particulalry given that she is adopted.
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« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2011, 03:22:11 AM »

I dont know, its funny that you should ask this.  Ive had this conversation with my BPD ex fiance who hasnt lost a parent yet, or anyone close to her.   I lost my Dad when I was 28, so my mortality bell was rung young, and my entire life perspective changed.  My ex fiance could never understand why I was so passionate about putting people first... .before money, anything else.  She is very self centered and loves money and the lifestyle that comes with it... .so pretty shallow.  When Id try to talk to her about deeper things, like the death of a loved one, shed simply say, "I dont know, Ive never lost anybody close to me, so Im not really worried about it."  I often wonder if her perspective will change in the future.  


Anyway, Im curious what others have to say... .about when their BPD has lost somebody close, and if it effects them too.  
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yellowmoon

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« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2011, 06:00:17 AM »

I haven't lost anyone close to me yet but I have known others who have and like you, there seems to be a definite shift in your perspective to value the people around you who support, love and care for you.  My exBPD seems to be on a completely different wavelength where you must further push the ones closest to you away. 

I am very curious to see others perspectives on this. 
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« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2011, 06:27:03 AM »

Although looking back on our 20+ year marriage I see red flags from the start, in my view, the slide into crisis began with the death of H's mother.  I don't think he ever really properly grieved her death.  I think he thinks he did because professionally he's an experienced counsellor and has written about bereavement.  I think he did all the 'right' things in one way at the time but that there were issues with her from childhood that he never managed to resolve.  I wrote in my journal at the time that I was angry that family and friends placed a burden on him expecting him to be the 'rock' because of his professional background and not actually seeing him as a son whose mum had died. 

I didn't realise it at the time but I can now see that I started withdrawing emotionally around that time in response to his reaction.  This was eventually perceived by him as me leaving him.  He's now left and come back about 10 times but will still believe that i left him first (and this therefore justifies his behaviour).

Once when he was angry/dysregulated, he said something to me along the lines of not being enough of a mother to him.  When we separated, he was very quickly involved with someone I know he thinks of as more motherly (in terms of reassuring him/being more accepting of him etc). At the time they met, her mother was seriously ill and died soon after so that was something else they had in common.

He became increasingly angry with my own mother who he had been close to (I had counted myself so lucky that my H and mum got on so well - now my mother is heartbroken as she can't fully understand why he has cut her off).

He has issues with his dad as well and I have often wondered what will happen when his father dies.  We're now about to divorce and he's back with his gf so I won't be the one having to deal with the fallout. 

Hi mother's death seemed to trigger abandonment fears.
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« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2011, 06:34:23 AM »

I have asked this question in a round-about-way before. The consensus was that they react badly and their BPD traits are less well masked and oftern openly displayed.

If you are in the firing line already then you need to watch out.

Others have said that the death of a parent was the trigger for their significant other to start painting them black when previously they were white.

I am not sure why this is the case. Clearly the death of a parent or a loved on is a major life trauma for everone. We would respond with grief. pwBPD respond with grief and rage and project this on to those closest to them.  :'(

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yellowmoon

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« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2011, 07:12:44 AM »

Yes, I would have to say that her true traits have been very exposed following the death of her father. 

Prior to that she had some ability to mask particulalry, her anger.  For the first time she hit me following her father's death and said that I should leave the other night as she feared that she may hit me again. 

She just seems in a terrible place lately and has told me that she will never be the same person that I fell in love with.  She says the most ridiculous and distorted things about how she sees the relationship.  She admits to her volatility for the last few weeks and then breaks up with me because she is sick of the constant fights.  I just cannot get my head around that. 

This situation has been further exacerbated by the fact that she has been introduced to mood stabilisers and the doctor is reducing her anti depressants.  Additionally she is low in Vitamin D and Iron so they have now given her that.  I think the combination of the reduction in antidepressants and increase in mood stabilsers has made the situation even worse.

I have been to her house a few times to talk to her and she is receptive and even affectionate, brushing my hair, telling me I am pretty, carressing my hand, hugging me, kissing me on the cheek but will turn soon after if I say anything about a reconciliation.

I really hope this will change if I can give her a few months space.  I feel so empty and sad at how this has turned out given how much I have loved her and emotionally invested to try and understand her.

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« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2011, 08:53:04 AM »

Yes, I would have to say that her true traits have been very exposed following the death of her father. 

How would you describe her father as he appeared to you?

How did she perceive her father?

Did she ever detach from his influence.

Did he have BPD or even NPD?

Was he a third person in your marriage or did he let you be the the "man of your house"?

Did she put him on a pedestel?

What need did he fulfill in her. There will be a huge loss for her.

She may find it hard to own some of the conflicting feelings she has at the moment. All the negative ones may be projected onto you.

Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

Boundaries - Upholding our values and independence

Best phrases for setting boundaries

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

Supporting your BPD partner


You may find some of the above helpful to you.

I wish you well.

Is your wife seeing a therapist?
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« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2011, 01:42:36 PM »

Hi

I cant really answer how they would react at a later date if a parent passed away but i believe that is what caused my exBPDg/f condition when her father passed away in the middle of the night. I believe she was 6 years old at the time and from what i know he was quite healthy but had a heart attack in the night that killed him and i believe it was my ex who tried to wake him the following morning.

My ex as carried that with her i believe right up to now at the age of 36, and she always always would say to me that no matter what happens please dont leave me in the night, also when she would split me black and we would split up she would say this hurts too much, this is why i dont let people in.

So, if a death of a caretaker at a young age causes abandoment issues, then i would think one at a later age would cause those feelings to be magnified, remember you are dealing with basicly a child inside
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« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2011, 03:24:14 PM »

my "ex?" (still wondering if that will stick) lost her father a year after we got together.  She was his caregiver before that.  I would say that grief exacerbated her BPD behavior and four years later it has not gotten better.  I don't have to tools to explain the why or the room on this page to explain how but there was a difference and I am the only punching bag.  (not literally)
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« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2011, 03:28:42 PM »

It has been a little over a year for us and my BPDsis is most definitely is getting worse.  She can't even con people like she used to-- people who normally would take 3-6 months to realize something was wrong with her now can tell in 3-5 days.

She just got fired for the second time in 1 month and she now lives in a different state than her husband. 

She isn't in touch with reality any more-- fully lives in the world of her delusions and is unable to function in the world. 


It is the worst I have seen her other than one other severe episode about ten years ago, but I think this time she is going to set records for herself.  This could end up very very badly.

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« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2011, 11:56:32 PM »

i think it's of course going to depend on the person, and their relationship with that parent. my general outlook would be that it would not "go well" regardless.

the questions MJJ asked are important. what i would be inclined to wonder about was your role in this. a borderline tends to kind of push us into the role of being one of their parents. it's usually a parent they idealize, wrongly or not. did your ex ever compare you to her father, or the adoptive father, or any of her parents? or do you feel like you ever filled a parental role? i think that can have a lot to do with why you would get painted black/pushed away. you're associated with that pain, i would assume.
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« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2011, 12:16:15 AM »

My soon to be ex BPDw took a significant turn for the worse when her father died 4 years ago.  She had an up and down relationship with her father, but it was 100 times better than the relationship she has had with her mother, who she claimed was bi-polar and she was constantly fighting with.

She could talk with her father and he was a fairly reasonable person and I know she would not have accelerated her false allegations and accusations towards me if her father was still alive, because would have figured it out for what it was. 
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« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2017, 04:47:53 PM »

Are people still checking this thread because I am dealing with something similar and would love some help.  I feel broken
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« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2017, 05:50:50 PM »

I've wondered about this too. My exgf once told me the only death she feared was her own. This fits her self centered approach to everything. she has lived next door to her parents for 10 years and doesn't react  to anything well so I can't imagine it wouldn't send her into a tailspin.
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« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2017, 12:55:17 AM »

I haven't had a chance to read all of the responses yet. Wanted to weigh in on how ex responded when his dad passed away.

When he got the news, he was pretty much a zombie. He couldn't think, couldn't make travel plans, and was clearly in a state of shock. I made all of the arrangements and got us to his mom as quickly as possible. It is like he went into some kind of childlike state and has yet to come out of it. He had been checking out and burying himself in computer games before that but it was still at the level of annoying yet okay. After his dad passed, it seemed like all of his negative qualities were magnified by 10.
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« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2017, 03:06:35 AM »

My BPD told one of her friends that she wished her parents would just die already.  Her father did die unexpectedly not long after she'd said that.  She didn't go to the funeral.  Prior to all of that she'd split both her parents black and refused any and all contact with either of them.
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« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2017, 11:25:30 AM »

My ex's mother passed 3 years ago from a long illness and she seemed to take it in stride since it was not unexpected.  She did behave in her characteristic ways of blaming others for her life's choices in relation to her mother's dying.  Her mom never got to see grand kids and things like that . Later she would blame her mom and myself for several other  things too.

 It's interesting that after her mother's death I comforted her the best that I could.  After my dad's  unexpected death 5 years ago, not a month or so later she tried to start a argument with me. At the time I was the most emotionally vulnerable she was trying to verbally attack and blame me. I basically told her shut up.
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« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2017, 11:37:43 AM »

It's interesting that after her mother's death I comforted her the best that I could.  After my dad's  unexpected death 5 years ago, not a month or so later she tried to start a argument with me. At the time I was the most emotionally vulnerable she was trying to verbally attack and blame me.

Oh man, this reminds me of how I comforted ex after his father passed.

When my grandmother (the matriarch and rock of my family) passed, he was texting me about plans to have breakfast with another woman. I was out with my parents trying to find flowers and make arrangements and he is making plans to meet up with a woman he met online. I wasn't supposed to be bothered by it because he would be back before I needed to go anywhere the next morning. Forget the fact that my grandmother and my rock had passed away. I needed to know that he was going to be available for the kids and I needed him to at least act like he cared. Nope, he was too busy  making plans with this other woman.
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« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2017, 12:01:26 PM »

Wow Vortex that is hideous behavior on his part. The lack of humanity and empathy and even having any regard for us is just insane.
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« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2017, 12:36:46 PM »

My sister is the uBPD in my life (dad has some strong traits).  Both our parents passed within 4 months of each other.  Both parents were hospitalized at the same time, when my father passed first.  Although, they were at different hospitals originally, we were finally able to get our mom moved to the larger hospital, where our father was.

My dad passed after breaking his neck (with subsequent surgery).  My sister and I were at the hospital just after my dad passed.  My niece was there as well, and my sister had just summoned my nephew to come to the hospital.  My sister announces she has a hair appt. and leaves, before my nephew arrives.  When my nephew arrives and learns his mom had left, he says What the heck.  In trying to keep the peace, I said, "guess your grandpa can't get any deader".  We needed to visit my mom in her hospital room and break the news to her.  We ended up doing that a few hours later, as a group. (after my sister had her hair done)

When my mom passed, 4 months later, we knew death was imminent.  My sister and I were just walking out of the cemetery office, where we made funeral plans.  My sister got the call, that our mom had passed.  She immediately left to have her Thursday lunch with her friends (a weekly event).

It was strange to me, going to a hair appt. immediately after our father's death, and then out to lunch immediately after getting news of our mother's passing.  My sister painted me black, when our parent's health began to fail.  That is what sent me to therapy, where I learned about BPD.  That is what brought me here.  At a time when one would want to grow closer to a sister and support each other, it drove us to a no contact situation.

I realize that the stress pushed my sister over the edge, but it was unbearable for me.  My sister and I were both "co" everything - medical POA's, financial POA's and then co-trustees.  Talk about the worst situation possible.  





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« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2017, 03:07:44 PM »

I also remember that not too long after my ex's mother died she became more demanding. Her mom seems to have taken care of her.  She did not work and I wasn't in a position to really help her financially due to be laid off and having to take a lesser paying job. She was not contributing anything... I said AGAIN that she needs to do something . Not a 6 figure job just something.  Everything accelerated after years of her making up excuses about the course of the relationship. But... .she still played the push pull game. She wanted to move forward but then made excuses and sabotaged things. Then... .she blamed me for it... .
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« Reply #21 on: April 28, 2017, 06:41:21 AM »

I know if my ex'es parents pass she will probably end her life. I'm serious. They do everything for her. She is an adult child. She will be lost. She's 35 years old and her mother still comes over to drop off toilet paper, and paper towels for her. Our couples counselor hit the nail on the head during our genogram session. He said that her family is so chaotic with divorces seperations and birth outside of marriage that she is trying desperately to find her place (Acceptance in her family). That was the last session we had. Probably because she didn't want to go down that tunnel. As she told me when she had me cancel the next appointment "It's too much work. I don't want to go." So the day one of them passes away (especially mom because it's the person she desperately wants validation from) I think she will have the official mental breakdown.
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« Reply #22 on: April 28, 2017, 08:27:20 AM »

My experiences with exHFBPDw.

Little background.
Exw dumped her parents at age 18 didn’t want contact for about a decade.
Exw came to live with me and relied on me and my parents.

A few yrs later my father died, although the bond was not that close, exw cried and cried.
After the funeral, seemingly no tears left anymore.
Toward me, the one who lost his father, exw never ever asked how I was feeling, how I was doing.
Not even a hug.
In hindsight, no empathic feelings, understanding for the grieve of a close one.


Father exw.
Exw was her fathers eye apple and in her diaries exw never bad mouthed him.

About a year after reconciliation with her parents, exws father became terminal ill.
During that year, exw expressed how pity  ‘it’ was that she wasn’t around for years.
No emotion, just expressed using general rational words. 

When he died, exw didn’t cry, showed no grieve at all, didn’t speak about him … 

Exw showed compassion towards her mother, no hugging though, merely a hand on her moms shoulder.
During the church ceremony, no real signs of grieve, silence, no tears, more showing dignity. 

Days and weeks afterwards, exw was more or less numb.
I tried to talk to exw as ‘normal’ in order to get her on baseline, as after an outburst.
Tried to let her talk, to get that pain out, release that grieve.
Well, exw talked, but only in general words her grieve and pain was expressed.
 
The most profound was that exw said:
 ‘Now I always will have to be there for my mother!’….   
It was the burden, the guilt, the cross that exw carried with her for that decade she wasn’t there.

Years later my mother died, the one exw relied on for many, many years.
Exw cried and cried that even a remark was made: “her bond with your mom must have been very close, I haven’t seen anyone mourning in such a way before”.
Yup, my mom, that pulled exw out of the gutter too, my mom who later got devaluated and kept at a, for exw safer, distance…

Strangely, this time exw wasn’t numb, exw was sad and in pain.
Had a difficult time and cried several times again.
Or, thinking very bad, exw made up a ‘what – if ‘ scenario in case her mom would die…

Again, now lost my mother too, no comforting words, no shoulder to cry on and never ever asked how I was doing.
Daughter showed exactly the same behaviour as her mother.
The ones talking and comforting each other were son and I. 

BTW: losing her father was the real starting point that the r/s began to deteriorate. 
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« Reply #23 on: May 01, 2017, 03:17:00 PM »

This entirely sums up the demise of my r/s. I was with my ex for 7 years, and at the end her mom passed away very quickly (within 2 months of getting the news of her illness). My ex and her mother had a complex relationship and I knew her passing would send my ex off the deep end, I just wasn't sure how.

My ex and I had gotten through SO many difficulties and chaotic events prior to, so I never imagined we would actually break up. I know she felt I was abandoning her when I started being social and working again after the funeral and everything - prior to I had been there for her 100%, 24/7 and I think it was really hard for her to see me hanging out with people, going to work, school, etc. while she was processing this huge loss. I'll admit I didn't handle the aftermath as well as I should have. I did not and would not have ever abandoned her, but I could have done more. As soon as she started projecting anger onto me and blaming me for her grief (telling me I was selfish and not helping her, didn't care about her, etc.) it just made me more distant.

She told me that she associates me with the way she felt after her mom died. Because she felt I was letting her down too, and that just added to her depression which she clumped all in to one. She thought I was more caring and loving while her mother was sick. There may be some truth to that because it's a lot harder to be sweet to someone when they're yelling at you and blaming you for everything. I understand entirely, don't get me wrong, but I'm also human and struggled. I apologized and tried to make it up to her, tried to reconcile, but she told me it wasn't the same, didn't feel right, and she wanted to move on. Her therapist has told her that she "slashes her tires" so to speak, so I thought perhaps that's what she was doing - sort of a self-sabotage. But according to her, the reason the r/s ended is because of how I acted after her mother's death. I've felt so much guilt and grief about this, and tried to talk to others who've experienced the loss of an in-law or SO's parent. I know I could have handled some things better, but I still can't believe it was enough to actually break up after everything we'd been through. I feel like I made one mistake and it was over. My only explanation is that this loss made her push me away anyway.
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« Reply #24 on: May 03, 2017, 06:11:23 PM »

My BPD friend's mother has a lot of health problems, and my BPD friend told her about a year and a half ago that it's okay if she dies because parents are supposed to die before their children.  Generally speaking, she was very mean to her mom for those few days.  When her mom left and was headed to the airport (her mom and stepdad live on the other side of the country and came back for her stepbrother's graduation), my BPD friend texted her, told her she missed her, and begged her to move back here.  She can't hold a stable emotion for more than a few days, if that.  So, it's hard to tell how she will react. 
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« Reply #25 on: May 04, 2017, 09:59:49 AM »

My diagnosed xBPDgf lost her father when she was 18 and still a senior in H.S. I lost my father when I was 22... .which became shared experiences and deeply formed a bond between us, especially in the initial idealization part of our relationship. We had both written journals about our fathers' deaths and shared those with each other (I know she never really read mine, may have been a trigger?)

I read her journal which really gave me an insight into some of her childhood trauma and abandonment issues. For her entire life, her dad was never around... .he worked 3 jobs to support the family and wrapped training for triathlons around those jobs. Training for Ironman Triathlons takes hours of training every day... .so he virtually was never around his children or his wife. According to her journal, her father was very critical of the children eating junk food (which kids kinda do... .that's part of growing up)... .she also detailed another story of the family car she was driving ran out of gas and her father refused to help until he was done training... .all sad stuff that was treated as warm family memories in her journal. Having an absentee father is bad enough, but him dying during the transition between high school and college is especially tough. She went to a large university where she was gang-raped in her first semester right before the one year anniversary of her father's death... .within in 2 years she had her first suicide attempt and was in an in-patient program for 6 months for the suicide attempt and purging (I'm sure her father's harassment for eating junk food played into this... .she was on the triathlon team in college, but thought she was fat and purged up to a dozen times a day)

She initially was very compassionate to me about my father's death, although it happened 30 years ago (it had been 8 years for her). I think she was even truly able to empathize with me... .maybe. She played a country song about a father's death for us, she typed a manuscript for me that I had written years before about my father's passing, we connected deeply over this shared experience. We cried together and laughed together sharing memories.

And then she cheated on me and swore on her father's grave that she didn't. When one swears on a family member's grave, it means she is lying... .
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« Reply #26 on: May 04, 2017, 03:36:53 PM »

When my exBPD's brother died it triggered a relapse from 10 years of sobriety. When her father died she said she didn't feel that much as he treated her like a 'trophy daughter' and used to like her to go out with him and impress his friends.
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GreenEyedMonster
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #27 on: May 07, 2017, 08:33:38 PM »

My ex lost his father between our first and second dates.  In hindsight, his reaction to the event should have been a red flag.

On social media, he posted about all of his father's wonderful attributes.  He wrote a great eulogy for him that was strategically vague.  In private he talked about what a loser he thought his dad was and how he felt almost nothing for him.  It was the first hint that there was a mask there, something beyond the obvious truth.  He was excellent at creating the right impression for people -- he used to write for several local newspapers so he could draft a nearly perfect obituary -- but it was all hollow.  It all covered a stewing pit of bitterness, anger, rage, etc. at his father.
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