What eventually happens to them?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It stands to reason that in general pwBPD get more alone the older they get, either by choice or because of their action. If I look at my ex, I haven't seen somebody burn so many bridges in so little time. When me (re)met, she had it sort of together, now she is in a dark place. Getting closer to 30 was huge for her. She must have realized her life is not going anywhere. Her attractiveness was everything to her. A miracle is needed for her to be part of a happy family.

[Willy]

It stands to reason that in general pwBPD get more alone the older they get, either by choice or because of their action. If I look at my ex, I haven't seen somebody burn so many bridges in so little time. When me (re)met, she had it sort of together, now she is in a dark place. Getting closer to 30 was huge for her. She must have realized her life is not going anywhere. Her attractiveness was everything to her. A miracle is needed for her to be part of a happy family.

[jhan6120]

It stands to reason that in general pwBPD get more alone the older they get, either by choice or because of their action. If I look at my ex, I haven't seen somebody burn so many bridges in so little time. When me (re)met, she had it sort of together, now she is in a dark place. Getting closer to 30 was huge for her. She must have realized her life is not going anywhere. Her attractiveness was everything to her. A miracle is needed for her to be part of a happy family.

Imagine how they start to look when they hit their early 40's. That's where my ex udBPDgf is now. She was Playboy hot when I knew her in college. (She was acutally asked to be in Playboy). Now she's starting to look like an anvil that's been pounded too many times. (Sorry for the crude imagery, but there it is.) She's becoming anorexic, her face looks ten years older than it is, and her shoulders are transforming into a permanent hump. She lives on nicoteine, caffeine and sugar, and she barely eats. Plus, she still dresses like she's 20.  But she has a lot of nice STUFF, you know? Louboutin boots, Marc Jacobs, Gucci, an apartment in a luxury building and a Mercedes (that her dad might or not have paid for). All that STUFF does her a lot of good, right? It'll come in handy when she becomes a crazy cat lady.

I think that the combination of personal hell and physical (sexual) abuse that PWBPD put themselves through has a much harder toll on women BPD's, at least physically. Combine this reality with the fact that nature is not as kind to women on the aging front as it is to men, along with the sad reality that our culture is harder on women when it comes to physical appearance. And finally, there's the sexual double standard that society applies to women. I believe that female PWBPD have an added element of SHAME that male PWBPD don't have when it comes to this, which contributes to their emotional dysregulation, which in turn makes female BPD's even WORSE as they get older and their relationship options become more limited due to decresed sexual appeal.

IMO, and this is really is just MY OPINION, it's much easier for women to be INSANE and get by in the world if they're attractive. As long as a woman is very attractive, most men don't seem to care. But then there's that aging thing . . .

Imagine this conversation between two 25 year old men:

"Who's that nut-job?"

"I don't know, but she's hot."

Now imagine this conversation between two 38 year old men:

"Who's that nut-job?"

"I don't know, but she looks pretty beat up. Let's get another beer."

There you go.

IMO, female BPD's don't have to work on their 'schtick' to hard, because they can take advantage of male sexuality, which is primarily visual. They can kind of just stand there and let things happen.

Male BPD's, on the other hand, DO have to work on their 'schtick,' because female sexuality is much different. It doesn't matter how good looking a man is; no woman is going to jump into bed with him if he just stands there. He has to SAY something. And so, he works on his game. Male BPD's probably develop a huge arsenal of CHARM from years of doing this, which is why they can keep bedding women well into middle age, regardless of how they look.

Regardless, this isn't a rationalization. We're all reponsible for our own behaviors. Some people look weather-beaten and some don't. There are people who look weather-beaten because they spent their lives on the sea or running marathons or climbing mountains, and people who look weather-beaten because they've slept with half of NYC and have lived with untreated mental illness for 42 years.

And then there's the weather-beaten aspect of their emotional states. I'm convinced that they get worse from a combination of biology and life-consequences. When I picture how my ex is starting to look like on the OUTSIDE,  I can only imagine what the INSIDE looks like. Can you see cancer of the soul on an MRI?

[Willy]

Good points J. I was with my ex when she was between 24 and 27. If I look at the difference now, its huge! She lost her youthfulness in no time and looks much more like a tramp now (sorry to say). The constant emotional turmoil, bad eating habit, weird sleeping habits, smoking two packs a day, drinking two bottles of wine a day, sniffing 1 gram a day and the occasional pill, well, you can see the toll. Also her behavior changed a lot (that of course could also be the result of alcohol and drugs).

After her eviction she now lives in a holiday cabin with a pothead who is just out of jail with at least one case of physical abuse. She also went back to stripping. She could have had it all (without me trying to be arrogant). But that would be too boring for her, as she needs drama, chaos and I would almost say humiliation. She was the submissive kind. Wondering where she will be in three years... .It can't be good.

[harlemgurl]

Can you see cancer of the soul on an MRI?

Forget the outside; the inside is who they truly are. It's the inside that's insidiously UGLY. Everything else: the kissing cousins of shallow and superficial. My ex is extremely good looking and well endowed to boot but he's still the biggest jerk I've ever met in my life. All of that inner turmoil, rage, negativity, anger, low self-worth and zero sense of self keeps them on the permanent path to self-destruction. Looks can only go but so far but they never keep anybody because beauty is only skin deep.

No one on here can predict the future but they are their own emotional cancer and its a pretty sad existence if you ask me. The question of what happens to them should really be asked of ourselves. What will happen to us if we don't work on our co-dependency issues? What will become of us if we don't grow ourselves out of emotional dysfunction? What will happen to us if we don't learn the lessons that we need to learn from this experience? What will happen to us if we don't commit to desiring emotionally healthy love?

I'm so exhausted in caring about them. Yeah they're sick... .but I just want to remind everyone that we are just as important as they are.

HG

[jhan6120]

Can you see cancer of the soul on an MRI?

Forget the outside; the inside is who they truly are. It's the inside that's insidiously UGLY. Everything else: the kissing cousins of shallow and superficial. My ex is extremely good looking and well endowed to boot but he's still the biggest jerk I've ever met in my life. All of that inner turmoil, rage, negativity, anger, low self-worth and zero sense of self keeps them on the permanent path to self-destruction. Looks can only go but so far but they never keep anybody because beauty is only skin deep.

No one on here can predict the future but they are their own emotional cancer and its a pretty sad existence if you ask me. The question of what happens to them should really be asked of ourselves. What will happen to us if we don't work on our co-dependency issues? What will become of us if we don't grow ourselves out of emotional dysfunction? What will happen to us if we don't learn the lessons that we need to learn from this experience? What will happen to us if we don't commit to desiring emotionally healthy love?

I'm so exhausted in caring about them. Yeah they're sick... .but I just want to remind everyone that we are just as important as they are.

HG

Once again you're on point, HG.

This week I'm gonna look into volunteering in a retirement home. Why? Because I'm an awesome guy with a lot to offer. I want to bring some joy and comfort to people who deserve it. I already tried throwing my 'good' at a worthless skank; let's see if I can turn it around.

[redberry]

Good for you jhan.  I'm volunteering for a service organization and it's helping both to take my mind away from him and to remind me that there are people who appreciate what I have to offer who deserve my kindness more than he ever did.

[SOOOdone]

I'm on Harlemgurl's train.

Looks? It's amazing to me how to me, he looked great when I trusted and loved him... .

and how he started to resemble an orangutan when I felt the way I did at the end. I'm sure he felt the same way with me, as he said "you don't look the same as when we met." I don't. I shouldn't! Why would I?

I am also far more concerned with my relationship future. Will I be able to become attracted to someone that enhances my life without chaos (note that I didn't say that this one didn't enhance my life... .just not in the way that I envisioned or want to repeat)

I am more concerned with how much more time I want to spend thinking about this past relationship and wondering what he is or isn't doing/feeling/thinking. Because although it was four years and although I cared and loved a person... .it's over.

And I think the "it's over" part is the hard one to fully embrace for a lot of us. IT'S OVER. Doesn't matter if they loved us, didn't love us, cheated, acted nice, showed affection, liked the same tacos we did... .it's over. Doesn't matter who left who. Doesn't matter that they have BPD when it comes right down to it... .it's over. The reason we recycle them is because we haven't fully accepted that it was over to begin with. Once a person moves on, it's rare that the old relationship is something we'd want again. And I, for one, know this and this is what's kept me from keeping NC in the past... .I didn't WANT to move on because I didn't WANT it to be OVER.

Well, that's just me... .

[jhan6120]

I'm on Harlemgurl's train.

Looks? It's amazing to me how to me, he looked great when I trusted and loved him... .

and how he started to resemble an orangutan when I felt the way I did at the end. I'm sure he felt the same way with me, as he said "you don't look the same as when we met." I don't. I shouldn't! Why would I?

I am also far more concerned with my relationship future. Will I be able to become attracted to someone that enhances my life without chaos (note that I didn't say that this one didn't enhance my life... .just not in the way that I envisioned or want to repeat)

I am more concerned with how much more time I want to spend thinking about this past relationship and wondering what he is or isn't doing/feeling/thinking. Because although it was four years and although I cared and loved a person... .it's over.

And I think the "it's over" part is the hard one to fully embrace for a lot of us. IT'S OVER. Doesn't matter if they loved us, didn't love us, cheated, acted nice, showed affection, liked the same tacos we did... .it's over. Doesn't matter who left who. Doesn't matter that they have BPD when it comes right down to it... .it's over. The reason we recycle them is because we haven't fully accepted that it was over to begin with. Once a person moves on, it's rare that the old relationship is something we'd want again. And I, for one, know this and this is what's kept me from keeping NC in the past... .I didn't WANT to move on because I didn't WANT it to be OVER.

Well, that's just me... .

Is it hard because they made such an impact in our lives, even if the overall impact was negative? My ex went through my life like a steamroller in a matter of ten months. It's like she tattooed herself on my brain. Very cinematic. She should have had her own theme music.

[C12P21]

Another reason to be thankful, that nons can grieve and create happy, satisfying lives...

A good friend of mine works as a mental health professional and is a psychiatrist that assesses patients in mental health units. We were discussing BPD (I have never mentioned the disorder or what I suspect of my exNPDbf) as he had a rough week in assessing two BPD patients. He stated they are very difficult to work with or to try to come up with a treatment plan because they are all over the charts, manipulative, and not aware of their real emotions. The deep down feelings or events that led them to being placed in a treatment facility can disappear overnight and the next day they are feeling fine and wanting to be released. He also went on about how charming they can be and how they create havoc in their life, the lives of friends, and have no moral conscience about the destruction they create unless they accept they have a mental illness and work very hard to change and control their emotions. He stated most are overwhelmed by their emotions but are terrified to express in a healthy manner what they are feeling and usually are rendered incapacitated to rationally assess a situation or conversation as their perceptions are skewed. They become worse in time-not in terms of acting out as much as the need for control and paranoia. He also stated the disorder is  better recognized and that modern life makes it increasingly difficult to hide the disorder-more awareness AND the complexity of modern life frustrates pwBPD as they lack the skills/ability to make complicated choices that require reflection and self awareness.

I then asked him about my exbf... and he looked at me and said "that guy was BPD, with narcissistic tendencies, and I suspect a sociopath-he was without a doubt in the AXIS two category, I am glad you got away from him and it is so good to see how you are changing-you have stopped doubting yourself".

Wow.

[jhan6120]

Another reason to be thankful, that nons can grieve and create happy, satisfying lives...

A good friend of mine works as a mental health professional and is a psychiatrist that assesses patients in mental health units. We were discussing BPD (I have never mentioned the disorder or what I suspect of my exNPDbf) as he had a rough week in assessing two BPD patients. He stated they are very difficult to work with or to try to come up with a treatment plan because they are all over the charts, manipulative, and not aware of their real emotions. The deep down feelings or events that led them to being placed in a treatment facility can disappear overnight and the next day they are feeling fine and wanting to be released. He also went on about how charming they can be and how they create havoc in their life, the lives of friends, and have no moral conscience about the destruction they create unless they accept they have a mental illness and work very hard to change and control their emotions. He stated most are overwhelmed by their emotions but are terrified to express in a healthy manner what they are feeling and usually are rendered incapacitated to rationally assess a situation or conversation as their perceptions are skewed. They become worse in time-not in terms of acting out as much as the need for control and paranoia. He also stated the disorder is  better recognized and that modern life makes it increasingly difficult to hide the disorder-more awareness AND the complexity of modern life frustrates pwBPD as they lack the skills/ability to make complicated choices that require reflection and self awareness.

I then asked him about my exbf... and he looked at me and said "that guy was BPD, with narcissistic tendencies, and I suspect a sociopath-he was without a doubt in the AXIS two category, I am glad you got away from him and it is so good to see how you are changing-you have stopped doubting yourself".

Wow.

Wow indeed. That is an amazing story.

[diotima]

The reason we recycle them is because we haven't fully accepted that it was over to begin with. Once a person moves on, it's rare that the old relationship is something we'd want again. And I, for one, know this and this is what's kept me from keeping NC in the past... .I didn't WANT to move on because I didn't WANT it to be OVER.

That rings true for me too. I really didn't want it to be over, especially with the first recycle. The third time I was pretty much over him and he begged to come back and was wonderful and pulled the shttiest crap imaginable (probably it is imaginable here) and got me worse than all the other times put together. Uncanny.

C12P12: Excellent post about your experience with the health professionals. I know my ex definitely got worse in terms of control issues. Yes, good we all got away.

Diotima

[ve01603]

They become more and more alone, even if they are with someone.  They continue to go from one relationship to another, destroying each one and digging their hole of mental illness deeper.  At some point their looks fade and they reach a level of mental instability that they can no longer seduce nor attract the opposite sex.  That's when they hit rock bottom and truly are alone.  At this stage you'll probably find them walking in parks mumbling to themselves. 

To be totally honest, that's what I kind of figured.

[jhan6120]

The reason we recycle them is because we haven't fully accepted that it was over to begin with. Once a person moves on, it's rare that the old relationship is something we'd want again. And I, for one, know this and this is what's kept me from keeping NC in the past... .I didn't WANT to move on because I didn't WANT it to be OVER.

That rings true for me too. I really didn't want it to be over, especially with the first recycle. The third time I was pretty much over him and he begged to come back and was wonderful and pulled the shttiest crap imaginable (probably it is imaginable here) and got me worse than all the other times put together. Uncanny.

C12P12: Excellent post about your experience with the health professionals. I know my ex definitely got worse in terms of control issues. Yes, good we all got away.

Diotima

I've heard over and over and over that it just gets worse with each recycle. My personal experience lends credence to that theory.

[sea5045]

The reason we recycle them is because we haven't fully accepted that it was over to begin with. Once a person moves on, it's rare that the old relationship is something we'd want again. And I, for one, know this and this is what's kept me from keeping NC in the past... .I didn't WANT to move on because I didn't WANT it to be OVER.

That rings true for me too. I really didn't want it to be over, especially with the first recycle. The third time I was pretty much over him and he begged to come back and was wonderful and pulled the shttiest crap imaginable (probably it is imaginable here) and got me worse than all the other times put together. Uncanny.

C12P12: Excellent post about your experience with the health professionals. I know my ex definitely got worse in terms of control issues. Yes, good we all got away.

Diotima

I've heard over and over and over that it just gets worse with each recycle. My personal experience lends credence to that theory.

After seeing my ex this past weekend I found out she was telling the owner how she had to move because I drank too much, not that she could not find a job and her brother had to get it for her while I financially supported her for 10 months.  So even if they aren't recycling you they are painting an ugly picture.

[zoso80]

Someone who I can't recall their name said - "If they can't use you, they smear and abuse you."

I wholeheartedly agree. Since they cannot mentally introspect to any successful degree, learn and take responsibility for their failings - blaming the "bad" people works wonderfully to re-enforce their BPD.

They make sure the world knows they are a wonderful person who is just persecuted. It's the hook they use going to their next victim.

 

My DxBPDgf painted me and continues to paint me so black, the color black would quiver in fear. I am worse than Adolf Hitler, Vlad Tepes, Joseph Stalin and Jeffery Dahlmer.

So even if they aren't recycling you they are painting an ugly picture.

[sea5045]

Someone who I can't recall their name said - "If they can't use you, they smear and abuse you."

I wholeheartedly agree. Since they cannot mentally introspect to any successful degree, learn and take responsibility for their failings - blaming the "bad" people works wonderfully to re-enforce their BPD.

They make sure the world knows they are a wonderful person who is just persecuted. It's the hook they use going to their next victim.

 

My DxBPDgf painted me and continues to paint me so black, the color black would quiver in fear. I am worse than Adolf Hitler, Vlad Tepes, Joseph Stalin and Jeffery Dahlmer.

So even if they aren't recycling you they are painting an ugly picture.

Thanks I was so hurt, I have never said she had to move away because she lost her teaching career and her brother got her a job. Go to chicago and talk bad about me, don't do it here. People are standing up for me but for god's sake I'm 55, never had an ex, and never got trash talked in the bar.

[zoso80]

*sigh* It sure is a terrible thing to endure, the black painting, the smears and the airing of private matters for the BPD's public gain. It's psychological warfare. Normal adults, we just say "it didn't work" and try to move on, letting it go. If only we could be so lucky!

We are war criminals to the BPD for leaving. I tried to explain to my DxBPDgf why our relationship wasn't working and that it wasn't healthy for anyone. She didn't want to hear it. She wanted "her family back." At what cost? SD8's mental health? My mental health? Additionally, in the meantime, she was painting me black and had been for months to all willing. Is that a healthy dynamic? Of course not.

Just be who you are, do what you do. It's wonderful to hear people having your back. It shows me that the story she's spinning and the people who know you, they know she's full of it. She is poisoning her own well.

Keep strong, sounds like you have good people in the community! It will subside soon, once she hooks a new victim.

 

Someone who I can't recall their name said - "If they can't use you, they smear and abuse you."

I wholeheartedly agree. Since they cannot mentally introspect to any successful degree, learn and take responsibility for their failings - blaming the "bad" people works wonderfully to re-enforce their BPD.

They make sure the world knows they are a wonderful person who is just persecuted. It's the hook they use going to their next victim.

 

My DxBPDgf painted me and continues to paint me so black, the color black would quiver in fear. I am worse than Adolf Hitler, Vlad Tepes, Joseph Stalin and Jeffery Dahlmer.

So even if they aren't recycling you they are painting an ugly picture.

Thanks I was so hurt, I have never said she had to move away because she lost her teaching career and her brother got her a job. Go to chicago and talk bad about me, don't do it here. People are standing up for me but for god's sake I'm 55, never had an ex, and never got trash talked in the bar.

[redberry]

If they can't use you, they smear and abuse you.

Ohhh how true.  I realize now that EVERYTHING about the relationship was what I could do for him?  I did 95% of the giving.  He threw me a crumb here and there just to keep me on the hook, but he knew what he was doing.  When I was spending so much time and $ on him and giving him sex whenever he wanted it, I didn't realize I was being used, used, used.  That's all it was about.  Love = need for them.  Oh I filled a need alright.  Whose needs were starved to exhaustion?  Raises hand.

[georgie girl]

it's odd you should say that redberry

Love = need for them.

before mine walked out i persuaded him to go to couple counselling and the one thing he kept saying was he did love me because he needed me!  he didn't like it that i said I loved him but I didnt need him (I tried to explain that I didnt need him because if he wasnt there i would survive but i wanted him because i loved him).  I said to him love being needing is more what happens with a small child - they need you and love is tied up in the needing but with adults i thought it was healthier to not need someone.  he raged about me saying this a lot after that.  i started to doubt my own beliefs. still do.  ?

[zoso80]

*raises hand*

Right there with you sister. Friends of mine commented that everything that who I was, they could tell was being destroyed from all the toxicity.

Yup, I FULLY get you on neglected needs and being poisoned.

Whose needs were starved to exhaustion?  Raises hand.

[zoso80]

That's awesome you said that to him! The raging afterward sucked and sounds like he made you pay. I'm impressed with your insight. I wish I had been that far along in understanding what my exBPD was doing. I had inklings, but the big picture came later.

DxBPDgf would get upset because I didn't need her. She took it as I didn't love her. (LOVE = NEED theme again) A partner or a spouse is someone who compliments you and you compliment them. It's not based on need. Instead, it's based on a whole bunch of compatibility factors, life goals and mutual admiration. They are someone to walk with, no to cling to on a daily basis.

She would also whine that the honeymoon phase was so short. Yes it was. Things were already showing to be weird and I was hunkering down. The real BPD was coming out.

I was also terribly shellshocked about that time so processing wasn't my best strength.

If they can't get you to need them, their control will be temporary. If you show independence, and push back it's holy war.  You are damned either way.

A true lose/lose relationship!

I said to him love being needing is more what happens with a small child - they need you and love is tied up in the needing but with adults i thought it was healthier to not need someone. 

[ve01603]

Someone who I can't recall their name said - "If they can't use you, they smear and abuse you."

I wholeheartedly agree. Since they cannot mentally introspect to any successful degree, learn and take responsibility for their failings - blaming the "bad" people works wonderfully to re-enforce their BPD.

They make sure the world knows they are a wonderful person who is just persecuted. It's the hook they use going to their next victim.

 

My DxBPDgf painted me and continues to paint me so black, the color black would quiver in fear. I am worse than Adolf Hitler, Vlad Tepes, Joseph Stalin and Jeffery Dahlmer.

So even if they aren't recycling you they are painting an ugly picture.

You are right because he told me how bad the ones before me had treated him to try to get my sympathy in the beginning.

[jhan6120]

Someone who I can't recall their name said - "If they can't use you, they smear and abuse you."

I wholeheartedly agree. Since they cannot mentally introspect to any successful degree, learn and take responsibility for their failings - blaming the "bad" people works wonderfully to re-enforce their BPD.

They make sure the world knows they are a wonderful person who is just persecuted. It's the hook they use going to their next victim.

 

My DxBPDgf painted me and continues to paint me so black, the color black would quiver in fear. I am worse than Adolf Hitler, Vlad Tepes, Joseph Stalin and Jeffery Dahlmer.

So even if they aren't recycling you they are painting an ugly picture.

You are right because he told me how bad the ones before me had treated him to try to get my sympathy in the beginning.

The Victim Game is a classic way that BPD's use to hook people in. The really advanced game is Victim/Seducer. My ex was a pro at this.

[sea5045]

*sigh* It sure is a terrible thing to endure, the black painting, the smears and the airing of private matters for the BPD's public gain. It's psychological warfare. Normal adults, we just say "it didn't work" and try to move on, letting it go. If only we could be so lucky!


Just be who you are, do what you do. It's wonderful to hear people having your back. It shows me that the story she's spinning and the people who know you, they know she's full of it. She is poisoning her own well.

Keep strong, sounds like you have good people in the community! It will subside soon, once she hooks a new victim.

 


Thanks yes, it is true that one person told her to let it go, let me go, that I am dating, I look well, I am finding my way in the community, the other the bar owner said she would tell her to leave as she doesn't live here anymore, I said not necessary, just take my name and number and if she's here I will stay away.

Saw my therapist today, cried it through, and the sad part is they open these core wounds from childhood, mine are not being worthy enough or deserving enough to be treated well, having been invisible to my parents, so attracting and staying too long in things where I tolerate my needs not getting met.  It's going to be along healing process for me.Thanks for support. sea

[Munch]

My h is 60.  He hasn't changed a bit, in fact I think he has gotten worse.  I really think they have a very hard time with aging and the notion of physical death.  I have always been able to joke about life and death and aging - doesn't find it in the least bit funny.  They can't change unless they want to and seek help. 

I sing at church with a tenor who is 74 and I strongly suspect that he has a PD.  He can't take any kind of even what normal people would consider just a comment, as criticism.  I can see how much he suffers if he makes a mistake.  Has boundary issues like crazy and talks incessantly - it's all about him.  He hooked up with a lady at church and they were living together within 2 monthsred-flag  . 

So what I guess I am trying to say is that they don't change, and I guess I find it funny that, with age, we think some kind of light bulb is going to light up   

Munchxo

[diotima]

Munch,

I feel sorry for the woman your church tenor hooked up with. What a trail of carnage they leave in their wake.

Diotima

[Willy]

The Victim Game is a classic way that BPD's use to hook people in. The really advanced game is Victim/Seducer. My ex was a pro at this.

Same here. Mine was a waif/siren and has perfected her game through the years. Sometimes I call her the perfect pwBPD. When we met she was the victim with her landlord. During our relationship she had problems with each one of them (6 in 2 1/2 years!). Of course she never realized she is the common denominator. Also for me it took some time before seeing the pattern and see that there is something terrible wrong with her. No matter how long they can put a facade of a normal person, the craziness has to come out eventually, always.

[jhan6120]

The Victim Game is a classic way that BPD's use to hook people in. The really advanced game is Victim/Seducer. My ex was a pro at this.

Same here. Mine was a waif/siren and has perfected her game through the years. Sometimes I call her the perfect pwBPD. When we met she was the victim with her landlord. During our relationship she had problems with each one of them (6 in 2 1/2 years!). Of course she never realized she is the common denominator. Also for me it took some time before seeing the pattern and see that there is something terrible wrong with her. No matter how long they can put a facade of a normal person, the craziness has to come out eventually, always.

That's a big   for me now: someone who is at war with everyone all the time. I have to watch for that, as it plays into my own codependence.

[Tim300]

They both turn into hermits and the women additionally keep their kids close to them to satisfy their BPD.

I saw this.  My ex-fiancee and her mother both have BPD.  The mother was in her 50s and was an impulsive binge eater and spender.  Because of her age, weight, erratic behavior, and financial shortcomings, I doubt any guy would even take her on a date.  And no woman would be interested in dealing with her childish behavior for long.  Accordingly, she latched onto her daughter, my ex-fiancee -- I mean, intense clinging.  To court my ex-fiancee you would have to almost be in a 3-person relationship with the mother tagging along.  And if you piss off the mother or take up too much of her daughter's time, the mother will try to nix the relationship.  The mother also pays the daughter each month to make sure the daughter stays under her wing (even though the daughter is now in her 30s).  The whole thing is pretty sad.  The daughter will probably be able to squeeze in a couple more failed relationships before she's outside of the marriage market and the two of them will be alone together, fighting each other nonstop for power in a small apartment.  

[Tim300]

they reach a level of mental instability that they can no longer seduce nor attract the opposite sex. 

It's interesting how damaged we get from one toxic relationship with these folks.  Although they are pros of the toxic dance, the trauma of it all must make them radically unstable by the time they're in the mid-30s.