Once a BPD cheats... They always Cheat?

[LifeIsOn]

Im asking this because my ex pretty much admitted that she has cheated on every single bf she has been with but that was when I was dating her... Idk if she ever personally cheated on me but I know she has emotionally cheated on me (sexually texts from boss) or thought about cheating on me...

Is it true that once a BPD has cheated, they always cheat in every relationships... ? Im sure my ex will in future time but to hear from others that has went through it and knowing their past

What causes them to cheat or try to?

[whatarideout]

What causes them to cheat or try to?

in the beginning of the relationship, the rewarding object(you) kept her rewarded. they need valuation remember. you supplied this. at first. she tries to keep your "reward" constant by whatever means necessary (eg. sex). this is an effort to cling and put your possible withdrawl in check. once she grows tired of these "efforts", your slight withdrawl triggers her other "self". you know the one. that nasty b*tch. it could be anything, a missed phone call you didn't return. because you have now triggered her "bad" self, (remember they have two selves, good and bad) she percieves you as no longer rewarding. this is bad news.

when you are no longer rewarding, her thought disorder tells her you have "abandoned" her. since she can't live alone, she must go and find valuation else where while you are still together.

what's the easiest way to go and seek a new rewarding object for her to feel valued?  SEX.

they don't see it as cheating. they see it as survival.

[LifeIsOn]

Wow... .if the slightest? thats messed up... My ex lives by herself... so will that trigger that action more? or like um... or if the other man is a flirt and like to be payed attention by women. will that trigger the cheating as well?

[LifeIsOn]

to me it seems like once a BPD cheats, they cheat in every relationship as well. Just seems like it. or if they think their partner is flirting and likes the other person more than them and it will trigger that thinking as well? Is that true?

[diotima]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Diotima

[Newton]

IMHO... .Look for the half truths and projection... .if they are accusing YOU of cheating it's quite likely THEY are cheating... .!

[LifeIsOn]

*face palm* so my ex will prob cheat on her boss... .then my karma will come but its not the point but to understand if once a BPD cheats they will cheat on the replacement. Thats what I wonder hmmm... what if someone else shows more attention and they realize that they are attracted to them? that will drive them to them if they sense that the other is "abandoned" them?

[awesomenessdefined]

To me this is not just related to BPD, cheaters cheat, it's what they do.

[kj1234]

You have to wonder about the total lack of empathy, concern or respect some people have when cheating on their partner.  Of course this can be said about any cheating, but the manner in which my stbxw did it to me and to her first husband, multiple times, is really creepy.  I mean, exposing it freely to people she thought outside her then-husband's reach, lying about and villifying the then-husband and laughing to others behind his back, trying to destroy the then-husband to avoide risking exposure.

I'm not condoning any kind of cheating, but I think there is a big difference among cheaters.  On one end of the scale maybe are those who do it when they really have a long-deteriorating other relationship, or their partner abuses or cheats on them, or they have developed a long relationship with someone else by situation or circumstances, etc., and they have some respect for their current partner, and take the transgression serioulsy with concern for all parties involved, and try to resolve it one way or another, and recognize they have done wrong to another person and feel some responsibility about it.

Then there is the other end of the scale:  no respect, no consideration, no empathy, jumping into something with no established value at the expense of something seemingly much more important, getting a thrill out of deceiving and damaging another person who has done nothing to deserve it, falsely accusing and villifying another for self-interest and enjoying it, etc., etc.

The former is more than enough to deal with.  If you conclude you have one of the latter and you have any thoughts about sticking around and trying to figure out what it is about and whether you can deal with it or not, I think it's time for a serious reality check.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I think they are so fragile that when they feel like they are going to be abandoned they have to lock down a replacement as soon as possible. I keep trying to not think about my ex, but fully understand why I was in the relationship and what changes I have to make so that I never get involved with someone like that again. I think it starts with healthy boundaries. If I have them in place these kinds of people will bounce off of me and find another host.

[LifeIsOn]

I think so too. But I really do think that once a BPD cheats, they will always cheat (physically or emotionally) and will cheat in every relationship they enter no matter how the relationship begins without therapy. I know this because my ex told me that she has cheated on every bf when we first started dating. N it was funny because when she cheated, it was with someone she personally knew or when she cheated on the bf before me and it was with her ex before that ex. I think thats why she still stays close and keeps me around. its effing scary. Im waiting for my karma to come and I know in few months her new relationship will fall apart or is now... not sure it been 3 months now for them now. Mine started 3 to 6 months into ours and it got worse. almost left her at the 6 and 8 and 10 months period because her controlling and jealous and clingy almost drove me away. the last one was when she admitted that she almost thought of cheating on me.

[StillInShock]

The psychopaths use sex as a tool to reach a goal... .and completely justify it without any guilt

My ex-fiance cheated on his first girlfriend who eventually ended up in a mental institute and never recovered. He cheated on her to use another girl for temporary marriage to get the green card... .then divorced her once he got what he wanted leaving her heart broken

He cheated on me with a pediatrician... .coz simply she has a better future than mine  

[LifeIsOn]

so anyone who has BPD is a psychopath? right?

My ex never went back to an ex and dated again. she just had sex with them while she was in a relationship. Im not sure if mine cheated on me physically but she did emotionally with her new man (the womanizer boss).

[StillInShock]

so anyone who has BPD is a psychopath? right?

Yep... .they are officially insane 

[LifeIsOn]

Ok cuz my ex never raged at me or hit me. She cut n has threated to kill herself so I see it now... .wow...

[StillInShock]

Ok cuz my ex never raged at me or hit me. She cut n has threated to kill herself so I see it now... .wow...

My ex was the opposite... .he raged for the smallest and the most stupid reason... .like once I said thankfully that what he cooked was really delicious but needs a little bit of salt... .he went crazy and accused me that I never appreciate him for anything he does to me and went on to tell me I'm ungrateful 

[LifeIsOn]

My had jealously n demanded attention all the time n I couldn't do that after few months. I wanted my lil space n she got sad n more controlling.in my guts her new man will kick her to the curb n she will try to recycle... .eekk... she contacted me today with merry christmas so I only text bot the dog cuz I loved that damn dog to death.

I just think she will cheat because of her history pattern

[Creesy]

I 2nd the fact that if they accuse of you of cheating, then they are most likely cheating. My ex accused me several times.  I never cheated on her. But she cheated on me twice that I know of and also propositioned our landlord for sex when I was out of town on business for a week.

[Creesy]

so anyone who has BPD is a psychopath? right?

My ex never went back to an ex and dated again. she just had sex with them while she was in a relationship. Im not sure if mine cheated on me physically but she did emotionally with her new man (the womanizer boss).

yah when my ex cheated on me the person she cheated with was her previous bf.

[kj1234]

so anyone who has BPD is a psychopath? right?

Technically, the answer is no, according to the definitions.  However, in the proposed revision to the DSM manual that defines the "disorders" for the mental health profession, insurance coverage, etc., sociopaths (psychopaths) would be regrouped into a broader category of borderlines.  That's just the simple explanation from an non-mental-health professional.

But I have come to believe that the behaviors of the borderline (BPD) and the sociopath (ASPD) are almost indistinguishable in what they do to other people, but distinguishable only in what motivates the behavior--a difficult thing to determine with certainty.  The ASPD's (according to at least one book I read) are also broken down into different types, including the sadistic sociopath, who enjoys causing others pain, while for other types causing others pain is just something they must do when people are in the way of their objectives.  At this point it would be tough to convince my that my stbxw does not have some ASPD.  The only other option is the weak-identity borderline will easily follow directions of sociopaths she (he) pulls into her circle of advisors and protectors.  So, the decisions and actions are still driven by a sociopath, either way.  It's a nasty combination and the borderline doesn't have enough character or conscience to have any problem with it, unless faced with exposure.

That last part is just my opinion.

[seeking balance]

Im asking this because my ex pretty much admitted that she has cheated on every single bf she has been with but that was when I was dating her... Idk if she ever personally cheated on me but I know she has emotionally cheated on me (sexually texts from boss) or thought about cheating on me...

Is it true that once a BPD has cheated, they always cheat in every relationships... ? Im sure my ex will in future time but to hear from others that has went through it and knowing their past

What causes them to cheat or try to?

This sounds like black/white thinking on your part... .what does this question have to do with your recovery or you detaching?

[djinphoenix]

BPDs see only black or white. They are predators and always have options open. They do not feel your pain and continue to look for more always.

I was gone this last time for 2 months and she had already had a new man waiting to go right on in as dad to her 4 kids from four different dads. And once the sex starts, he's a done deal until the real person shows up and the cycle starts anew. Take time and find someone better.

They cannot be abandoned. EVER. And now the launch sequence is started for the hunt to begin.

MOVE ON.

DJ

[bpdlover]

I never got proof that my ex went all the way with another guy. But sleeping in the same bed, telling me he thinks we are an item now kinda said it all really. She certainly cheated and probably more than once. When she left me eighteen months ago I got the whole "I'm not looking for a relationship" line but lines changed all the time along with the goalposts. She also told me she cheated on her ex husband but he didn't know. I wonder how many guys she's been with in the eighteen months I've been out of orbit?

[bpdlover]

Makes total sense. My ex was enabled and guided by her religious parents and friends who treated her like a charity case. She played up to it so well. And when they were all out of her sight, she seduced and manipulated like her life depended on it. Most of the time she convinced me that she was faithful. Even at the end I couldn't totally prove her cheating but I knew things were off by the way my health was deteriorating. She had no trouble turning her phone off for hours while she entertained or breaking up with me to try someone out.

[bpdlover]

Just read an interesting post near the top about adding some salt. My ex told me as she was trying out a new guy who stayed over after she broke it off with me (actually told me I broke it off with her), that she couldn't see herself in a relationship with this guy because he didn't like onion in his sandwich. I didn't know whether to piss my pants laughing or question it, so I said ok. They must have had a "deep" discussion about the construction of sandwiches. A meeting of the minds so to speak. Then she had to fly out to accept a nobel prize!

I am now convinced after reading this thread that my ex did cheat on me as the projections toward the end of our relationship and the comments about how I felt different in bed add up. Her "loss" as always.

[traveller]

There were always the emotional affairs and his visits to online sex sites, but when I left him suddenly because everything became too much, he slept with at least four different people within a 2 week span. When we eventually reconciled *sigh* his excuses were many... .he was hurting, he wanted to hurt me, I didn't show enough affection, they were easy, etc.

Since he hangs around narcissists, in his mind since they also engage in such risky behaviour, this made him a ladies man. In my eyes, it was desperation. I found a site online which deals with sex addiction and he started attending SA meetings. He got tested for everything, etc. It didn't last. He wasn't ready to face my process of grieving because it was taking too long and he was 'getting help' so I should just get over it because in his heart, he wasn't 'that guy'. Processing pain is not that simple.

Without true reflection, they will always go back to what temporarily eases their internal conflict. If it's cheating that works for them, then that's what they do.

[Creesy]

What causes them to cheat or try to?

in the beginning of the relationship, the rewarding object(you) kept her rewarded. they need valuation remember. you supplied this. at first. she tries to keep your "reward" constant by whatever means necessary (eg. sex). this is an effort to cling and put your possible withdrawl in check. once she grows tired of these "efforts", your slight withdrawl triggers her other "self". you know the one. that nasty b*tch. it could be anything, a missed phone call you didn't return. because you have now triggered her "bad" self, (remember they have two selves, good and bad) she percieves you as no longer rewarding. this is bad news.

when you are no longer rewarding, her thought disorder tells her you have "abandoned" her. since she can't live alone, she must go and find valuation else where while you are still together.

what's the easiest way to go and seek a new rewarding object for her to feel valued?  SEX.

they don't see it as cheating. they see it as survival.

This really sounds like my ex.  In the end I asked her why did she cheat on me when she told me she would never cheat.  Then later after I found she propositioned our landlord. Rather than apologizing, she justified her actions by telling me that I didn't tell her she was "hot" frequently enough so she would look for other men who liked her.  But I was the man MARRIED to her. To me it should've been implied that I was physically attracted to her and so although yes I guess I should've reminded her more that I was physically attracted to her -- I also felt like if I wasn't saying it enough, it still didn't make it ok for her to go online to fb, and post pics of herself, then friend men looking for validation from complete strangers. It seemed really childish and insecure.

A recent text she sent me said that she needs a man that will compliment her and tell her she's hot every day, ALL day.  Those are the expectations she set for me and that she is setting for the next guy.  They seem so needy and unrealistic. 

I don't think the counselor officially diagnosed her as BPD.  But when I started reading up on it to see if I could figure her out I realized that she has 8 of the 9 symptoms of a person with BPD.  It says they only need 5 of the 9 for a possible diagnosis.  I wish I could tell her this but I'm afraid to get into any kind of conversation with her due to the potential of how damaging it could be to me.  I'm already waking up in the middle of the night (like now), losing sleep over her on a nightly basis, going through withdrawals.  Makes me realize I still love her... .Am so sad.  I was sleeping fine until she inappropriately told me she found someone else.  Now I'm all messed up.

I wrote our marriage counselor a long email and am going to follow up with the counselor in a few days.  My intentions are to have a session or 2 with the counselor since this counselor is one of the few people in the world that knows both of us and knows what my wife is like.  I'm hoping that the counselor can offer me some tools that will help me process through this pain, and maybe help me identify the unhealthy traits and characteristics that I acquired from this woman by simply being with her.

I was talking to a different counselor about this and he asked me a question that I wasn't prepared to answer.  Knowing that I filed for divorce he asked me, "Are you planning to have sex with this woman again?" Wow, I thought, what a finality type question.  I hesitated for a moment, then told him "No".  But when I analyze my answer, I only said no because I knew that's what he wanted to hear.  So that tells me that I am quite unhealthy, that I still ultimately want to be with her despite the damage she has done to me and my loved ones.  Next time I see I him I will have to tell him this.

I used to joke with a friend that it would might be fun to go to a sex addict class or better yet be married to one.  Wow, that is not true at all.  I was married to someone like this and didn't know it.  My affection towards her and the fact that we were married was not enough for her.  She needed more and the rules of marriage didn't apply to her so she would troll facebook, add friends, and go to local bars by herself to find men who would validate her and she would respond to that.

I've been praying nightly for strength from God to get me through this.  I've been praying for wisdom to make the right choices and to live my will by Him.  I hope that I am making the right decision in leaving her. I do feel that God has told me to do this.  Certainly all my friends and family have told me I've made the right decision in leaving.  I guess I won't really know until a year or 2 from now?  I hope I feel better then, than I do now.

[traveller]

Cressy, I feel your pain. I find it hard to sleep over 5 hours at any given time. I'm not as panicky as I used to be because I don't... .I can't have caffeine. The agony lingers. Just as you've said, the hardest part for me has been that I do still love him and I wish that he would get help. Is it worth further sacrificing myself to wishful thinking and fantasy? No. A friend posted the following on FB today... .it really hit home for me: "There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ---Anaïs Nin

I believe that you are doing the right thing by leaving, imo. Loving yourself... .and her enough to allow you both to blossom.

[diotima]

It's a nasty combination and the borderline doesn't have enough character or conscience to have any problem with it, unless faced with exposure.

Re: the sociopath/borderline distinction. I agree with you that from the non's perspective the damage is about the same. Neither has any empathy for the people they hurt. And the only reason exposure is an issue for the sociopath would be "getting caught" and for the BPD "getting caught" and feeling "shame." Pretty nasty stuff, like you say.

Diotima

[Free One]

Without true reflection, they will always go back to what temporarily eases their internal conflict. If it's cheating that works for them, then that's what they do.

Well said, and as I understand it, true reflection is nearly impossible for BPD without major therapy.