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Author Topic: I'm Convinced the New Relationship is Perfect  (Read 4204 times)
avoidatallcost
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« on: January 16, 2012, 09:09:15 AM »

This is my second thought for the day.  Lately, my BPD gf has increased her attempts to contact me, and unfortunately I was weak and responded.  Big mistake.  But that story is perhaps more fitting for a new thread.  This topic is about my ex's new relationship, which is absolutely the most perfect relationship I have ever seen.

Now, I wish I was indifferent at this stage.  If this were the case, I probably wouldn't need to even visit this forum anymore, as satisfying as it has been for me so far.  However, I have to be honest with myself and with everyone here that I am still very angry over what happened, over my treatment during the relationship, and ESPECIALLY over my treatment post-break up.  I'm still very hurt, and seeing the relationship between my ex and her new bf flourish makes me feel like it was my fault, because possibly he is calmer, more stable, and handles her better.  Perhaps he doesnt care about her as much as I did which is why he doesn't let her affect him as much as she affected me?  It has been 3 months, and if I had been smarter and maintained strict No Contact I probably would been well on my way to being healed by now.  But alas, I gave in to my heroin aka BPD addiction and responded to the phone calls from my ex when they came.

So this is my suggestion: things are going perfect for my BPD ex and her new guy.  Which is why she hasn't really tried very hard any more to re-engage me in a relationship or random sex etc.  And things are going so well, that the reasons for her calls are to relive some of the chaos that is missing in her current relationship.  :)oes anyone have any experience or wisdom that would help shed light on my situation here?    
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2012, 09:24:48 AM »

Hello avoidatallcost-

I'm sorry you are feeling badly. It sounds like you might be jealous of your ex's new r/s. Do you think this is the case? My advice would be to answer that question and ask yourself why. If you are jealous, why? If you are not jealous, why aren't you? I suggest looking carefully at what the r/s represented for you that you are addicted to. I hope you find this helpful.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2012, 09:32:42 AM »

Please Help me to understand.

Things are perfect in her new r/s. (the use of the word "perfect" is interesting).

And she is triangulating (read definition) with you for what purpose?

I don't get it.

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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2012, 09:41:36 AM »

Hey guys thanks for the posts.  

I swear to you their relationship seems absolutely perfect.  They play tennis and badminton together, they don't seem to argue at all (otherwise she would have no doubt called me by now to get together for lunch or whatever), and they're always going out to dinner together and before I deleted her as a facebook friend, he was always writing funny comments on her wall etc etc

At this point I'm not sure if she's triangulating (read definition) me.  Some of my friends say this is indeed the case, and that she is contacting me once in a while just to keep me emotionally attached to her so that she can swoop in and get me back in case the new guy doesn't work out.

I believe, however, that her periodic contacting tactics are solely meant to make me suffer and exert control over me.  She also wants to see if she still has me in her grip, and by answering her calls I admit I was playing right into her manipulative hands.  Not sure whether she's keeping me on the shelf or just trying to hurt me (or both), but I do know I'm getting over her since her behavior doesn't affect me as badly as it did during the relationship and in the immediate aftermath of the break up.  Soon, hopefully I will be indifferent and not care what the hell she does in her life.  But I haven't reached this stage yet.  I know why I stayed with her, and am working on bettering myself to prepare for the new girl in my life.  

But for now, I'm just trying to understand what may possibly be going on in her head, and if anybody has had similar experiences or thoughts.
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2012, 09:56:13 AM »

She also wants to see if she still has me in her grip, and by answering her calls I admit I was playing right into her manipulative hands.

I think this is the most likely scenario. She wants to put you in stand-by mode to (1) feel nice that you are still there and (2) have a safety net in case her new r/s doesn’t work out.

In any case, its all about her and nothing to do with you.

but I do know I'm getting over her since her behavior doesn't affect me as badly as it did during the relationship and in the immediate aftermath of the break up. 

You’ve done good work inside of you whereas she masked her inefficiencies by jumping into a new r/s and acting happy. You are not affected because you feel stronger, don’t give away your power and use it to further heal yourself.

But for now, I'm just trying to understand what may possibly be going on in her head, and if anybody has had similar experiences or thoughts.

My view is that by trying to understand her you are breaking NC and giving her power on a subconscious level. 

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MaybeSo
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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2012, 09:59:04 AM »

Stop trying to figure out what is going on in her head. Be curious about your own head. Seriously. Easier said than done but nothing worthwhile is easy. And there are no perfect relationships. That's magical thinking.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2012, 10:21:25 AM »

The thing is, I have identified why I thought the way I did and why I stayed with her.  I understand that I was lured into a relationship with her because I thought I could provide her with a stability and love she never had before.  I realize now I shouldn't have focused on "saving" her, since under her cloak of vulnerability she was a wolf and professional survivor.  I had esteem issues no doubt, and became addicted to her push-pull tactics and constantly tried to get her to treat me well, as she periodically did.  Like other BPD's, she was a lot of fun and great conversation and liked trying new things so the excitement helped blur the reality of the abuse that was unfolding.

For now, I'm working on meeting healthier women, and have been working out and focusing on work and making myself feel better.  Already at this point after the breakup, I am starting to see a lot of positives come out of my BPD relationship.  But with all the insane mind games that have been going on (and which I admittedly enabled just by being in the relationship if nothing else), I can't help by try to figure out why she did the things she did and said.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2012, 10:24:36 AM »

@yanks

Great insight.  It's possible it can be a combination of both making me suffer and of keeping me on the shelf in case of a possible recycling attempt.  I don't think even the professional are sure what BPD's think at any given time.

Either way, she has now exhausted any and all reasons for her to contact me.  One time, it was because she missed a train and it was an "emergency" for me to pick her up.  The last time she contacted me, it was because she needed a box that was at my house. 

I now have no more excuses to pick up the phone when she calls.  And now, I know when she texts me and I respond, she will only ignore my text response so there is no reason for me to reply any more.

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.  Why do this to people, months after the relationship has ended?  It makes no sense to me whatsoever.
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2012, 10:49:35 AM »

Quote by AvoidAtAllCost

I understand that I was lured into a relationship with her because I thought I could provide her with a stability and love she never had before.  I realize now I shouldn't have focused on "saving" her, since under her cloak of vulnerability she was a wolf and professional survivor.  I had esteem issues no doubt, and became addicted to her push-pull tactics and constantly tried to get her to treat me well, as she periodically did.  Like other BPD's, she was a lot of fun and great conversation and liked trying new things so the excitement helped blur the reality of the abuse that was unfolding.

For now, I'm working on meeting healthier women, and have been working out and focusing on work and making myself feel better.  Already at this point after the breakup, I am starting to see a lot of positives come out of my BPD relationship.  But with all the insane mind games that have been going on (and which I admittedly enabled just by being in the relationship if nothing else), I can't help by try to figure out why she did the things she did and said. ]


I couldn't have said it better myself, about myself. You are not alone. It was the same with me. Elsewhere I read BPD's being described as chameleons. It's impossible to understand why they do things. I decided to push my esBPDfw permanently out of my live with absolute NC. Doing favours for her is unthinkable. I think you should consider it too, since this tendency that we have to try to figure them out and to respond to their sick attempts at contacting us after they way they treated us hinder our road to recovery big time. It's now time to concentrate on us and realise that we have been dealing with a type of lunatic whom we are unable to ever figure out. The only true thing about them is what you stated above, It's only about them and they took advantage of people like us in the most cynical and selfish way. Banish her out of you life.
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ElChicodeLeche
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« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2012, 11:00:30 AM »

It's a SHAM! Don't be worried about her and this new relationship. Easy said than done, I know.

How long have they been together? If it is relatively fresh, then they are most likely in the honeymoon stage. Things seem perfect, but I can guarantee they are not and they will not last if your ex is truly BPD. Also, if she is still attempting to contact you then she is doing exactly what others have already said, seeing if you are still around. If she ignores your attempts at talking to her then it is my belief this is part of the push and pull.

I have experienced the same exact situation you are experiencing now.

It is natural to have so many questions in such a confusing situation, but like MaybeSO said, focus on yourself, what is going on with you, step back into reality. Do the work necessary so when she does come back to you or tries to ~ you, you will be prepared and strong. You will see her for what she is.

You will be better off being selfish (to an extent) for a while. Do what makes you happy. Be around those who make you happy without all the drama. Take care of you. Be easy on yourself, learn from the mistakes YOU think you made, not what SHE told you. Be confident that you will be as happy as ever alone or with someone healthy
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2012, 11:19:00 AM »

Thank Elchico I hope you're right... faulty thinking on my part for sure but watching her have such a great time in her new relationship really eats at me right now.

My situation may be a bit different than others.  My ex BP gf was seeing the guy she's with when I first started seeing her, but then she claimed she stopped seeing him when she says he started exhibiting symptoms of mental illness (!).  But who knows if this is true.  From having read her text messages and diary (I know, I acted crazy in this relationship for sure but I needed to get to the truth) I know that when things went downhill with our relationship she recontacted the old guy again.  In the end, she told me "he was better" and had changed.  Maybe she was just talking about herself, as she went on a new medication (abilify) which really seemed to improve her mood.

And this, for me, leads to the hardest pill to swallow: that near the end of our relationship she went on a new medication which really seemed to improve her mood.  Abilify is known for improving the interpersonal relationships of those who have bipolar disorder.  But even though she is on this new med and her mood swings have improved, obviously her borderline behaviors (ie push-pull, triangulation (read definition), sudden break up and getting on with a new guy immediately etc) still remain.

Was your experience anything like this?  Was your ex on meds, and if so how did she fare?
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ElChicodeLeche
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2012, 12:34:29 PM »

Just like you avoidatallcost, my exBPDgf started to take meds towards the end of our relationship. She actually told me a few times how much they help her, how she feels more normal and happy. She was taking them for depression I believe. She even apologized for how crazy she had acted for our entire relationship, something that really caught me by surprise. She is even seeing a therapist right now, so once again I got to sit and ask all the what if questions. What if she really is better now, what if she really is happy, what if she really is "normal." (she even apologized to me for being "possessive of me."

Even with therapy (therapy I believe geared towards depression) and meds she is still too difficult to deal with for a healthy and rewarding relationship. My healing really took a turn when I realized that I did not NEED this person, yes this person was, at times, spectacular and made me feel loved and special, but that was not enough when mixed with all the drama and abuse. There is just something about BPD that is incredibly incredibly incredibly serious and difficult to overcome. I really do hope she is better and recovering. I am rambling.

One common thing I have noticed about all of us who have dated a pwBPD, we seem to care more about others or give more to others than we do ourselves. Avoidatallcosts, if you are still wanting to be with someone who can go back and forth between you and someone else so easily, why is it you want to be with her? What are you afraid of? For me, this relationship revealed a lot of my fears, fears that I have to overcome in order to fulfill my own wonderful potential.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2012, 12:36:46 PM »

Excerpt
Thank Elchico I hope you're right... faulty thinking on my part for sure but watching her have such a great time in her new relationship really eats at me right now.

You could stop watching.  This is a choice.


Excerpt
My situation may be a bit different than others.  My ex BP gf was seeing the guy she's with when I first started seeing her, but then she claimed she stopped seeing him when she says he started exhibiting symptoms of mental illness (!).  But who knows if this is true.  From having read her text messages and diary (I know, I acted crazy in this relationship for sure but I needed to get to the truth) I know that when things went downhill with our relationship she recontacted the old guy again.  In the end, she told me "he was better" and had changed.



This is all triangulation (read definition) and it's not different than others because this dynamic is ubiquitious on this board.  Beginning, middle and end... .it's triangulation (read definition), which we participate in or not.  It's a choice. Nothing has changed.  You will stop participating when you are ready to stop participating.


Excerpt
For now, I'm working on meeting healthier women

If you start dating before you are disengaged with your ex and with this triangle... .you are creating yet another triangle.  "Healthier women" won't want to do that with you. Though you will likely have success with less healthy women who are use to this... .so we rinse and repeat with yet another 'disordered' woman and wonder why we attract 'these' people.

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« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2012, 12:48:22 PM »

Excellent advice MaybeSo

- Not meaning to hijack a thread, but this

If you start dating before you are disengaged with your ex and with this triangle... .you are creating yet another triangle.  "Healthier women" won't want to do that with you. Though you will likely have success with less healthy women who are use to this... .so we rinse and repeat with yet another 'disordered' woman and wonder why we attract 'these' people.

has been the hardest, but one of the best forms of healing for myself. I haven't dated for about 9 months now due to the fact that I knew I was not ready. This was very difficult for me because I would see my ex dating new people (two boyfriends since the b/u) and think man I must be the person with the issues because I can't seem to find a girlfriend. But, now I know that I hope a lot of people reading these boards realize is that jumping into a new r/s doesn't solve anything. It will only lead to temporary satisfaction.
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LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel
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« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2012, 12:52:41 PM »

Smoke and mirrors my friend.

They are disordered... .

Rinse - Recycle - Repeat... .

 

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MaybeSo
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« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2012, 12:55:11 PM »

Excerpt
But, now I know that I hope a lot of people reading these boards realize is that jumping into a new r/s doesn't solve anything. It will only lead to temporary satisfaction

And a temporary distraction, at best... .which once discovered would potentially upset anyone... .and when that woman gets 'upset' is it because she's disordered or just not thrilled with being "used" in this manner?

Hard to tell as so much unattended junk is lying around.

Better to get our own side of the street cleaned up first so we can tell what is our junk and what is someone's elses junk.  

 
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« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2012, 01:01:39 PM »

Excerpt
But with all the insane mind games that have been going on (and which I admittedly enabled just by being in the relationship if nothing else), I can't help by try to figure out why she did the things she did and said.

With all due respect, you are enabling the mind games right now by trying to figure out her mind. You also mentioned that you are in a stage of acceptance. Truthfully, it doesn't sound that way to me. I would suggest trying to put yourself in the present moment and observe your thoughts and feelings as an innocent bystander. Do not judge these thoughts and feelings as right or wrong, simply be aware of them in the moment. If you are jealous of her r/s, that's completely fine, just allow yourself to be jealous in the moment. I don't recommend pushing your feelings aside by analyzing her because it will only lead you deeper and deeper into a black hole of analysis and further away from your own thoughts, feelings, and healing.
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« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2012, 01:21:11 PM »

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And now, I know when she texts me and I respond, she will only ignore my text response so there is no reason for me to reply any more.

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

Okay, WOW! This same exact thing happens to me.
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« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2012, 01:33:39 PM »

@avoidatallcosts


I struggle with this as well. Although I am not trying to see what my ex gf relationship status is, I still wonder. My ex is getting married and prego with the new guy and she has told me she is Happy. But what we need to remember this NEW person is getting set up for the same demise we experienced. It may take weeks, months or maybe even years but the r/s will not last.

In my case I feel sorry for this new guy. He has no idea what he just got himself into. He allowed her to move in his house with her kid and his kid. Now he has got her prego and going to marry her. They been together  a little over 3.5 months.

Don't fall for the "she is doing great without me". Its not possible. It is not our fault these relationship ended. If it were our fault we would have fixed it while we were in them. There is no chance of us fixing what happen. They are forever flawed and the new guy will experience the same demise as us.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2012, 02:15:13 PM »

Excerpt
And now, I know when she texts me and I respond, she will only ignore my text response so there is no reason for me to reply any more.

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

Okay, WOW! This same exact thing happens to me.

Ok a little update on this portion of our discussion... I spoke to a non-BPD female who told me that this is actually very common behavior among women, especially younger ones.  My BP ex is 25 now, and 23 when we started dating.  So maybe this can be chalked up to immaturity and/or youth.  In my opinion, only extremely immature and/or mentally ill people would play these sorts of games, but according to this friend of mine she says that "normal" women do this all the time, sometimes to anger her boyfriend, and sometimes just to feed her own ego by showing herself how much power she can have over a guy.  So whether we can attribute this feature as a borderline-only trait is questionable.  However, I still think it's sick.  If anyone else has further insight into this particular type of behavior, ie getting a call/text from your BP ex, responding back, and then being ignored, please fill us in we'd love to hear it!
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« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2012, 03:00:45 PM »

Excerpt
My BP ex is 25 now, and 23 when we started dating.  So maybe this can be chalked up to immaturity and/or youth.

Except mine is 45! And this is "new" bahavior for her.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2012, 03:08:01 PM »

Ok Gaslit maybe this is BPD behavior then! haha

On a more serious note, this sending a message and then ignoring a response is totally in line withe mind games that bipolar/borderline men and women play.  I asked BPD's this question on a forum specifically for borderlines, and the one girl who responded told me that this was really weird behavior and not necessarily borderline behavior.  So maybe this type of act is specific to certain borderlines, but whether it is prevalent or not in ppl who are mentally ill I'm not so sure.

Anyways, we've analyzed this quite a bit but suffice to say it is very hurtful behavior and, like I said, very much in line with the other push-pull tactics my BP ex has been implementing with me.
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« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2012, 03:24:46 PM »

My ex is 29 and 25 when we hooked up. Normal people don't act this way. Not to the extremes you mentioned and everyone else on this board mentions. There is a hug difference in being immature and doing the things BPD people do.

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« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2012, 03:35:07 PM »

Excerpt
This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

I don't think your responses are ignored.

Unanswered, yes.

But not ignored.

While there may be no need to pull the fish from the water at that very moment, it's still reassuring to know he's hooked if the need arises.

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« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2012, 03:35:51 PM »

My ex is 29 and 25 when we hooked up. Normal people don't act this way. Not to the extremes you mentioned and everyone else on this board mentions. There is a hug difference in being immature and doing the things BPD people do.

I totally agree.  A lot of the behaviors I experienced with my BP ex, I experienced with other "normal" girls but the only difference is it's usually 100 times worse.  However, living with a BP in my life has introduced me to so many new and horrifying behaviors.  And in the end, she accused me of being the one who was untrustworthy.  

But is it possible that the BP, in his or her new relationship, has found a guy/girl who is actually capable of withstanding the BP steamroller?  Perhaps the new person in the BP's life is more stable, than we were with them?  Or perhaps the new guy/girl in the BP's life does not care about them as much as we did, so they are not as affected by the bad behavior of the BP as we once were?  I'm thinking maybe the stability or detachment from the new person may cause the BP to more closely control their behavior than they would have with us...

Any thoughts on this?
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« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2012, 04:06:40 PM »

Excerpt
But is it possible that the BP, in his or her new relationship, has found a guy/girl who is actually capable of withstanding the BP steamroller?  Perhaps the new person in the BP's life is more stable, than we were with them?  Or perhaps the new guy/girl in the BP's life does not care about them as much as we did, so they are not as affected by the bad behavior of the BP as we once were?  I'm thinking maybe the stability or detachment from the new person may cause the BP to more closely control their behavior than they would have with us.

Are you suggesting that due to the specific dynamic between the BP and the (new) non, the inevitable idealization/devaluation phases will not play out?

The longevity of the kind of r/s you're describing would seem to depend heavily on the non's ability to withstand abusive behavior, or their simply not caring one way or the other because of a total lack of emotional commitment on their part.

Far from perfect, IMO.
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« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2012, 05:26:19 PM »

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This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

I don't think your responses are ignored.

Unanswered, yes.

But not ignored.

While there may be no need to pull the fish from the water at that very moment, it's still reassuring to know he's hooked if the need arises.

Great observation, John.  Your comment here provides an excellent perspective of what is happening here... one that I hadn't considered.  This seems to be exactly what's taking place, I think you hit the nail right on the head with this one.
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« Reply #27 on: January 16, 2012, 05:26:57 PM »

avoidatallcost - the nice thing about her breaking up with you, is that it means you don't owe her jack!

She can send all the messages that she wants to you -- like you said -- she doesn't respond -- so no need for you to respond to her in the first place. I agree with the above, the replies are not ignored. They are filed away! You are put on pause! She literally thinks that throwing you a crumb here and there will keep you on the hook, should the new dude bail on her. And thus far, she's right! It's working.

You can make her not right by not responding. Remember, you owe her nothing. And even worse, if she is going to be telling you about the new guy, you really don't need to be anywhere close to her to hear that shyte!

The absolute worse thing you can do to her is to ignore her. YET, it is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. The very definition, of a win-win, I'd say.

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« Reply #28 on: January 16, 2012, 05:28:16 PM »

Excerpt
But is it possible that the BP, in his or her new relationship, has found a guy/girl who is actually capable of withstanding the BP steamroller?  Perhaps the new person in the BP's life is more stable, than we were with them?  Or perhaps the new guy/girl in the BP's life does not care about them as much as we did, so they are not as affected by the bad behavior of the BP as we once were?  I'm thinking maybe the stability or detachment from the new person may cause the BP to more closely control their behavior than they would have with us.

Are you suggesting that due to the specific dynamic between the BP and the (new) non, the inevitable idealization/devaluation phases will not play out?

The longevity of the kind of r/s you're describing would seem to depend heavily on the non's ability to withstand abusive behavior, or their simply not caring one way or the other because of a total lack of emotional commitment on their part.

Far from perfect, IMO.

Yes this is what I mean... do you think it's possible for a non-BP to remain with a BP regularly and maintain a relationship yet remain emotionally detached and immune to the devaluation cycles of the the BP?  I'm thinking this might be possible, especially if you added some really good therapy and some of the latest medication available.  I have asked this question to dozens of people on this and other forums, and everyone seems to say the same thing: that no matter who is in the relationship with the non, it is impossible to remain detached and sooner or later you will be sucked into her vortex of self hatred and abuse.  :)o you think it's possible for the new non, either because he's calm or totally detached, to withstand the abuse?  Or maybe with the new relationship, it's possible for the BP to reduce the viciousness of her abuse?
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #29 on: January 16, 2012, 05:31:23 PM »

avoidatallcost - the nice thing about her breaking up with you, is that it means you don't owe her jack!

She can send all the messages that she wants to you -- like you said -- she doesn't respond -- so no need for you to respond to her in the first place. I agree with the above, the replies are not ignored. They are filed away! You are put on pause! She literally thinks that throwing you a crumb here and there will keep you on the hook, should the new dude bail on her. And thus far, she's right! It's working.

You can make her not right by not responding. Remember, you owe her nothing. And even worse, if she is going to be telling you about the new guy, you really don't need to be anywhere close to her to hear that shyte!

The absolute worse thing you can do to her is to ignore her. YET, it is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. The very definition, of a win-win, I'd say.

Well said Gaslit.  I feel like a recovering heroin addict, and it's like she could smell me getting over her so she would contact me again just to start my suffering all over again.  And like a heroin addict, I gave in to the temptation.  But now I know what she's up to with her little games, and I realize she'll never get better.  Despite the latest anti-psychotic medication, and regular visits to her psychiatrist, she will always be a hate-filled lunatic.  IMHO.

No contact truly is the only option now.  I think my job in the foreseeable future, is to strengthen my mind and prepare myself for the next contact attempt on her part, so I can ignore her completely.
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