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Author Topic: I'm Convinced the New Relationship is Perfect  (Read 4183 times)
avoidatallcost
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« on: January 16, 2012, 09:09:15 AM »

This is my second thought for the day.  Lately, my BPD gf has increased her attempts to contact me, and unfortunately I was weak and responded.  Big mistake.  But that story is perhaps more fitting for a new thread.  This topic is about my ex's new relationship, which is absolutely the most perfect relationship I have ever seen.

Now, I wish I was indifferent at this stage.  If this were the case, I probably wouldn't need to even visit this forum anymore, as satisfying as it has been for me so far.  However, I have to be honest with myself and with everyone here that I am still very angry over what happened, over my treatment during the relationship, and ESPECIALLY over my treatment post-break up.  I'm still very hurt, and seeing the relationship between my ex and her new bf flourish makes me feel like it was my fault, because possibly he is calmer, more stable, and handles her better.  Perhaps he doesnt care about her as much as I did which is why he doesn't let her affect him as much as she affected me?  It has been 3 months, and if I had been smarter and maintained strict No Contact I probably would been well on my way to being healed by now.  But alas, I gave in to my heroin aka BPD addiction and responded to the phone calls from my ex when they came.

So this is my suggestion: things are going perfect for my BPD ex and her new guy.  Which is why she hasn't really tried very hard any more to re-engage me in a relationship or random sex etc.  And things are going so well, that the reasons for her calls are to relive some of the chaos that is missing in her current relationship.  :)oes anyone have any experience or wisdom that would help shed light on my situation here?    
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2012, 09:24:48 AM »

Hello avoidatallcost-

I'm sorry you are feeling badly. It sounds like you might be jealous of your ex's new r/s. Do you think this is the case? My advice would be to answer that question and ask yourself why. If you are jealous, why? If you are not jealous, why aren't you? I suggest looking carefully at what the r/s represented for you that you are addicted to. I hope you find this helpful.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2012, 09:32:42 AM »

Please Help me to understand.

Things are perfect in her new r/s. (the use of the word "perfect" is interesting).

And she is triangulating (read definition) with you for what purpose?

I don't get it.

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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2012, 09:41:36 AM »

Hey guys thanks for the posts.  

I swear to you their relationship seems absolutely perfect.  They play tennis and badminton together, they don't seem to argue at all (otherwise she would have no doubt called me by now to get together for lunch or whatever), and they're always going out to dinner together and before I deleted her as a facebook friend, he was always writing funny comments on her wall etc etc

At this point I'm not sure if she's triangulating (read definition) me.  Some of my friends say this is indeed the case, and that she is contacting me once in a while just to keep me emotionally attached to her so that she can swoop in and get me back in case the new guy doesn't work out.

I believe, however, that her periodic contacting tactics are solely meant to make me suffer and exert control over me.  She also wants to see if she still has me in her grip, and by answering her calls I admit I was playing right into her manipulative hands.  Not sure whether she's keeping me on the shelf or just trying to hurt me (or both), but I do know I'm getting over her since her behavior doesn't affect me as badly as it did during the relationship and in the immediate aftermath of the break up.  Soon, hopefully I will be indifferent and not care what the hell she does in her life.  But I haven't reached this stage yet.  I know why I stayed with her, and am working on bettering myself to prepare for the new girl in my life.  

But for now, I'm just trying to understand what may possibly be going on in her head, and if anybody has had similar experiences or thoughts.
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2012, 09:56:13 AM »

She also wants to see if she still has me in her grip, and by answering her calls I admit I was playing right into her manipulative hands.

I think this is the most likely scenario. She wants to put you in stand-by mode to (1) feel nice that you are still there and (2) have a safety net in case her new r/s doesn’t work out.

In any case, its all about her and nothing to do with you.

but I do know I'm getting over her since her behavior doesn't affect me as badly as it did during the relationship and in the immediate aftermath of the break up. 

You’ve done good work inside of you whereas she masked her inefficiencies by jumping into a new r/s and acting happy. You are not affected because you feel stronger, don’t give away your power and use it to further heal yourself.

But for now, I'm just trying to understand what may possibly be going on in her head, and if anybody has had similar experiences or thoughts.

My view is that by trying to understand her you are breaking NC and giving her power on a subconscious level. 

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MaybeSo
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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2012, 09:59:04 AM »

Stop trying to figure out what is going on in her head. Be curious about your own head. Seriously. Easier said than done but nothing worthwhile is easy. And there are no perfect relationships. That's magical thinking.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2012, 10:21:25 AM »

The thing is, I have identified why I thought the way I did and why I stayed with her.  I understand that I was lured into a relationship with her because I thought I could provide her with a stability and love she never had before.  I realize now I shouldn't have focused on "saving" her, since under her cloak of vulnerability she was a wolf and professional survivor.  I had esteem issues no doubt, and became addicted to her push-pull tactics and constantly tried to get her to treat me well, as she periodically did.  Like other BPD's, she was a lot of fun and great conversation and liked trying new things so the excitement helped blur the reality of the abuse that was unfolding.

For now, I'm working on meeting healthier women, and have been working out and focusing on work and making myself feel better.  Already at this point after the breakup, I am starting to see a lot of positives come out of my BPD relationship.  But with all the insane mind games that have been going on (and which I admittedly enabled just by being in the relationship if nothing else), I can't help by try to figure out why she did the things she did and said.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2012, 10:24:36 AM »

@yanks

Great insight.  It's possible it can be a combination of both making me suffer and of keeping me on the shelf in case of a possible recycling attempt.  I don't think even the professional are sure what BPD's think at any given time.

Either way, she has now exhausted any and all reasons for her to contact me.  One time, it was because she missed a train and it was an "emergency" for me to pick her up.  The last time she contacted me, it was because she needed a box that was at my house. 

I now have no more excuses to pick up the phone when she calls.  And now, I know when she texts me and I respond, she will only ignore my text response so there is no reason for me to reply any more.

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.  Why do this to people, months after the relationship has ended?  It makes no sense to me whatsoever.
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2012, 10:49:35 AM »

Quote by AvoidAtAllCost

I understand that I was lured into a relationship with her because I thought I could provide her with a stability and love she never had before.  I realize now I shouldn't have focused on "saving" her, since under her cloak of vulnerability she was a wolf and professional survivor.  I had esteem issues no doubt, and became addicted to her push-pull tactics and constantly tried to get her to treat me well, as she periodically did.  Like other BPD's, she was a lot of fun and great conversation and liked trying new things so the excitement helped blur the reality of the abuse that was unfolding.

For now, I'm working on meeting healthier women, and have been working out and focusing on work and making myself feel better.  Already at this point after the breakup, I am starting to see a lot of positives come out of my BPD relationship.  But with all the insane mind games that have been going on (and which I admittedly enabled just by being in the relationship if nothing else), I can't help by try to figure out why she did the things she did and said. ]


I couldn't have said it better myself, about myself. You are not alone. It was the same with me. Elsewhere I read BPD's being described as chameleons. It's impossible to understand why they do things. I decided to push my esBPDfw permanently out of my live with absolute NC. Doing favours for her is unthinkable. I think you should consider it too, since this tendency that we have to try to figure them out and to respond to their sick attempts at contacting us after they way they treated us hinder our road to recovery big time. It's now time to concentrate on us and realise that we have been dealing with a type of lunatic whom we are unable to ever figure out. The only true thing about them is what you stated above, It's only about them and they took advantage of people like us in the most cynical and selfish way. Banish her out of you life.
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ElChicodeLeche
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« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2012, 11:00:30 AM »

It's a SHAM! Don't be worried about her and this new relationship. Easy said than done, I know.

How long have they been together? If it is relatively fresh, then they are most likely in the honeymoon stage. Things seem perfect, but I can guarantee they are not and they will not last if your ex is truly BPD. Also, if she is still attempting to contact you then she is doing exactly what others have already said, seeing if you are still around. If she ignores your attempts at talking to her then it is my belief this is part of the push and pull.

I have experienced the same exact situation you are experiencing now.

It is natural to have so many questions in such a confusing situation, but like MaybeSO said, focus on yourself, what is going on with you, step back into reality. Do the work necessary so when she does come back to you or tries to ~ you, you will be prepared and strong. You will see her for what she is.

You will be better off being selfish (to an extent) for a while. Do what makes you happy. Be around those who make you happy without all the drama. Take care of you. Be easy on yourself, learn from the mistakes YOU think you made, not what SHE told you. Be confident that you will be as happy as ever alone or with someone healthy
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2012, 11:19:00 AM »

Thank Elchico I hope you're right... faulty thinking on my part for sure but watching her have such a great time in her new relationship really eats at me right now.

My situation may be a bit different than others.  My ex BP gf was seeing the guy she's with when I first started seeing her, but then she claimed she stopped seeing him when she says he started exhibiting symptoms of mental illness (!).  But who knows if this is true.  From having read her text messages and diary (I know, I acted crazy in this relationship for sure but I needed to get to the truth) I know that when things went downhill with our relationship she recontacted the old guy again.  In the end, she told me "he was better" and had changed.  Maybe she was just talking about herself, as she went on a new medication (abilify) which really seemed to improve her mood.

And this, for me, leads to the hardest pill to swallow: that near the end of our relationship she went on a new medication which really seemed to improve her mood.  Abilify is known for improving the interpersonal relationships of those who have bipolar disorder.  But even though she is on this new med and her mood swings have improved, obviously her borderline behaviors (ie push-pull, triangulation (read definition), sudden break up and getting on with a new guy immediately etc) still remain.

Was your experience anything like this?  Was your ex on meds, and if so how did she fare?
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ElChicodeLeche
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2012, 12:34:29 PM »

Just like you avoidatallcost, my exBPDgf started to take meds towards the end of our relationship. She actually told me a few times how much they help her, how she feels more normal and happy. She was taking them for depression I believe. She even apologized for how crazy she had acted for our entire relationship, something that really caught me by surprise. She is even seeing a therapist right now, so once again I got to sit and ask all the what if questions. What if she really is better now, what if she really is happy, what if she really is "normal." (she even apologized to me for being "possessive of me."

Even with therapy (therapy I believe geared towards depression) and meds she is still too difficult to deal with for a healthy and rewarding relationship. My healing really took a turn when I realized that I did not NEED this person, yes this person was, at times, spectacular and made me feel loved and special, but that was not enough when mixed with all the drama and abuse. There is just something about BPD that is incredibly incredibly incredibly serious and difficult to overcome. I really do hope she is better and recovering. I am rambling.

One common thing I have noticed about all of us who have dated a pwBPD, we seem to care more about others or give more to others than we do ourselves. Avoidatallcosts, if you are still wanting to be with someone who can go back and forth between you and someone else so easily, why is it you want to be with her? What are you afraid of? For me, this relationship revealed a lot of my fears, fears that I have to overcome in order to fulfill my own wonderful potential.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2012, 12:36:46 PM »

Excerpt
Thank Elchico I hope you're right... faulty thinking on my part for sure but watching her have such a great time in her new relationship really eats at me right now.

You could stop watching.  This is a choice.


Excerpt
My situation may be a bit different than others.  My ex BP gf was seeing the guy she's with when I first started seeing her, but then she claimed she stopped seeing him when she says he started exhibiting symptoms of mental illness (!).  But who knows if this is true.  From having read her text messages and diary (I know, I acted crazy in this relationship for sure but I needed to get to the truth) I know that when things went downhill with our relationship she recontacted the old guy again.  In the end, she told me "he was better" and had changed.



This is all triangulation (read definition) and it's not different than others because this dynamic is ubiquitious on this board.  Beginning, middle and end... .it's triangulation (read definition), which we participate in or not.  It's a choice. Nothing has changed.  You will stop participating when you are ready to stop participating.


Excerpt
For now, I'm working on meeting healthier women

If you start dating before you are disengaged with your ex and with this triangle... .you are creating yet another triangle.  "Healthier women" won't want to do that with you. Though you will likely have success with less healthy women who are use to this... .so we rinse and repeat with yet another 'disordered' woman and wonder why we attract 'these' people.

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« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2012, 12:48:22 PM »

Excellent advice MaybeSo

- Not meaning to hijack a thread, but this

If you start dating before you are disengaged with your ex and with this triangle... .you are creating yet another triangle.  "Healthier women" won't want to do that with you. Though you will likely have success with less healthy women who are use to this... .so we rinse and repeat with yet another 'disordered' woman and wonder why we attract 'these' people.

has been the hardest, but one of the best forms of healing for myself. I haven't dated for about 9 months now due to the fact that I knew I was not ready. This was very difficult for me because I would see my ex dating new people (two boyfriends since the b/u) and think man I must be the person with the issues because I can't seem to find a girlfriend. But, now I know that I hope a lot of people reading these boards realize is that jumping into a new r/s doesn't solve anything. It will only lead to temporary satisfaction.
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« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2012, 12:52:41 PM »

Smoke and mirrors my friend.

They are disordered... .

Rinse - Recycle - Repeat... .

 

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« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2012, 12:55:11 PM »

Excerpt
But, now I know that I hope a lot of people reading these boards realize is that jumping into a new r/s doesn't solve anything. It will only lead to temporary satisfaction

And a temporary distraction, at best... .which once discovered would potentially upset anyone... .and when that woman gets 'upset' is it because she's disordered or just not thrilled with being "used" in this manner?

Hard to tell as so much unattended junk is lying around.

Better to get our own side of the street cleaned up first so we can tell what is our junk and what is someone's elses junk.  

 
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« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2012, 01:01:39 PM »

Excerpt
But with all the insane mind games that have been going on (and which I admittedly enabled just by being in the relationship if nothing else), I can't help by try to figure out why she did the things she did and said.

With all due respect, you are enabling the mind games right now by trying to figure out her mind. You also mentioned that you are in a stage of acceptance. Truthfully, it doesn't sound that way to me. I would suggest trying to put yourself in the present moment and observe your thoughts and feelings as an innocent bystander. Do not judge these thoughts and feelings as right or wrong, simply be aware of them in the moment. If you are jealous of her r/s, that's completely fine, just allow yourself to be jealous in the moment. I don't recommend pushing your feelings aside by analyzing her because it will only lead you deeper and deeper into a black hole of analysis and further away from your own thoughts, feelings, and healing.
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« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2012, 01:21:11 PM »

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And now, I know when she texts me and I respond, she will only ignore my text response so there is no reason for me to reply any more.

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

Okay, WOW! This same exact thing happens to me.
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« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2012, 01:33:39 PM »

@avoidatallcosts


I struggle with this as well. Although I am not trying to see what my ex gf relationship status is, I still wonder. My ex is getting married and prego with the new guy and she has told me she is Happy. But what we need to remember this NEW person is getting set up for the same demise we experienced. It may take weeks, months or maybe even years but the r/s will not last.

In my case I feel sorry for this new guy. He has no idea what he just got himself into. He allowed her to move in his house with her kid and his kid. Now he has got her prego and going to marry her. They been together  a little over 3.5 months.

Don't fall for the "she is doing great without me". Its not possible. It is not our fault these relationship ended. If it were our fault we would have fixed it while we were in them. There is no chance of us fixing what happen. They are forever flawed and the new guy will experience the same demise as us.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2012, 02:15:13 PM »

Excerpt
And now, I know when she texts me and I respond, she will only ignore my text response so there is no reason for me to reply any more.

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

Okay, WOW! This same exact thing happens to me.

Ok a little update on this portion of our discussion... I spoke to a non-BPD female who told me that this is actually very common behavior among women, especially younger ones.  My BP ex is 25 now, and 23 when we started dating.  So maybe this can be chalked up to immaturity and/or youth.  In my opinion, only extremely immature and/or mentally ill people would play these sorts of games, but according to this friend of mine she says that "normal" women do this all the time, sometimes to anger her boyfriend, and sometimes just to feed her own ego by showing herself how much power she can have over a guy.  So whether we can attribute this feature as a borderline-only trait is questionable.  However, I still think it's sick.  If anyone else has further insight into this particular type of behavior, ie getting a call/text from your BP ex, responding back, and then being ignored, please fill us in we'd love to hear it!
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« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2012, 03:00:45 PM »

Excerpt
My BP ex is 25 now, and 23 when we started dating.  So maybe this can be chalked up to immaturity and/or youth.

Except mine is 45! And this is "new" bahavior for her.
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« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2012, 03:08:01 PM »

Ok Gaslit maybe this is BPD behavior then! haha

On a more serious note, this sending a message and then ignoring a response is totally in line withe mind games that bipolar/borderline men and women play.  I asked BPD's this question on a forum specifically for borderlines, and the one girl who responded told me that this was really weird behavior and not necessarily borderline behavior.  So maybe this type of act is specific to certain borderlines, but whether it is prevalent or not in ppl who are mentally ill I'm not so sure.

Anyways, we've analyzed this quite a bit but suffice to say it is very hurtful behavior and, like I said, very much in line with the other push-pull tactics my BP ex has been implementing with me.
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« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2012, 03:24:46 PM »

My ex is 29 and 25 when we hooked up. Normal people don't act this way. Not to the extremes you mentioned and everyone else on this board mentions. There is a hug difference in being immature and doing the things BPD people do.

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« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2012, 03:35:07 PM »

Excerpt
This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

I don't think your responses are ignored.

Unanswered, yes.

But not ignored.

While there may be no need to pull the fish from the water at that very moment, it's still reassuring to know he's hooked if the need arises.

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« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2012, 03:35:51 PM »

My ex is 29 and 25 when we hooked up. Normal people don't act this way. Not to the extremes you mentioned and everyone else on this board mentions. There is a hug difference in being immature and doing the things BPD people do.

I totally agree.  A lot of the behaviors I experienced with my BP ex, I experienced with other "normal" girls but the only difference is it's usually 100 times worse.  However, living with a BP in my life has introduced me to so many new and horrifying behaviors.  And in the end, she accused me of being the one who was untrustworthy.  

But is it possible that the BP, in his or her new relationship, has found a guy/girl who is actually capable of withstanding the BP steamroller?  Perhaps the new person in the BP's life is more stable, than we were with them?  Or perhaps the new guy/girl in the BP's life does not care about them as much as we did, so they are not as affected by the bad behavior of the BP as we once were?  I'm thinking maybe the stability or detachment from the new person may cause the BP to more closely control their behavior than they would have with us...

Any thoughts on this?
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« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2012, 04:06:40 PM »

Excerpt
But is it possible that the BP, in his or her new relationship, has found a guy/girl who is actually capable of withstanding the BP steamroller?  Perhaps the new person in the BP's life is more stable, than we were with them?  Or perhaps the new guy/girl in the BP's life does not care about them as much as we did, so they are not as affected by the bad behavior of the BP as we once were?  I'm thinking maybe the stability or detachment from the new person may cause the BP to more closely control their behavior than they would have with us.

Are you suggesting that due to the specific dynamic between the BP and the (new) non, the inevitable idealization/devaluation phases will not play out?

The longevity of the kind of r/s you're describing would seem to depend heavily on the non's ability to withstand abusive behavior, or their simply not caring one way or the other because of a total lack of emotional commitment on their part.

Far from perfect, IMO.
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« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2012, 05:26:19 PM »

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This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

I don't think your responses are ignored.

Unanswered, yes.

But not ignored.

While there may be no need to pull the fish from the water at that very moment, it's still reassuring to know he's hooked if the need arises.

Great observation, John.  Your comment here provides an excellent perspective of what is happening here... one that I hadn't considered.  This seems to be exactly what's taking place, I think you hit the nail right on the head with this one.
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« Reply #27 on: January 16, 2012, 05:26:57 PM »

avoidatallcost - the nice thing about her breaking up with you, is that it means you don't owe her jack!

She can send all the messages that she wants to you -- like you said -- she doesn't respond -- so no need for you to respond to her in the first place. I agree with the above, the replies are not ignored. They are filed away! You are put on pause! She literally thinks that throwing you a crumb here and there will keep you on the hook, should the new dude bail on her. And thus far, she's right! It's working.

You can make her not right by not responding. Remember, you owe her nothing. And even worse, if she is going to be telling you about the new guy, you really don't need to be anywhere close to her to hear that shyte!

The absolute worse thing you can do to her is to ignore her. YET, it is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. The very definition, of a win-win, I'd say.

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« Reply #28 on: January 16, 2012, 05:28:16 PM »

Excerpt
But is it possible that the BP, in his or her new relationship, has found a guy/girl who is actually capable of withstanding the BP steamroller?  Perhaps the new person in the BP's life is more stable, than we were with them?  Or perhaps the new guy/girl in the BP's life does not care about them as much as we did, so they are not as affected by the bad behavior of the BP as we once were?  I'm thinking maybe the stability or detachment from the new person may cause the BP to more closely control their behavior than they would have with us.

Are you suggesting that due to the specific dynamic between the BP and the (new) non, the inevitable idealization/devaluation phases will not play out?

The longevity of the kind of r/s you're describing would seem to depend heavily on the non's ability to withstand abusive behavior, or their simply not caring one way or the other because of a total lack of emotional commitment on their part.

Far from perfect, IMO.

Yes this is what I mean... do you think it's possible for a non-BP to remain with a BP regularly and maintain a relationship yet remain emotionally detached and immune to the devaluation cycles of the the BP?  I'm thinking this might be possible, especially if you added some really good therapy and some of the latest medication available.  I have asked this question to dozens of people on this and other forums, and everyone seems to say the same thing: that no matter who is in the relationship with the non, it is impossible to remain detached and sooner or later you will be sucked into her vortex of self hatred and abuse.  :)o you think it's possible for the new non, either because he's calm or totally detached, to withstand the abuse?  Or maybe with the new relationship, it's possible for the BP to reduce the viciousness of her abuse?
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« Reply #29 on: January 16, 2012, 05:31:23 PM »

avoidatallcost - the nice thing about her breaking up with you, is that it means you don't owe her jack!

She can send all the messages that she wants to you -- like you said -- she doesn't respond -- so no need for you to respond to her in the first place. I agree with the above, the replies are not ignored. They are filed away! You are put on pause! She literally thinks that throwing you a crumb here and there will keep you on the hook, should the new dude bail on her. And thus far, she's right! It's working.

You can make her not right by not responding. Remember, you owe her nothing. And even worse, if she is going to be telling you about the new guy, you really don't need to be anywhere close to her to hear that shyte!

The absolute worse thing you can do to her is to ignore her. YET, it is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. The very definition, of a win-win, I'd say.

Well said Gaslit.  I feel like a recovering heroin addict, and it's like she could smell me getting over her so she would contact me again just to start my suffering all over again.  And like a heroin addict, I gave in to the temptation.  But now I know what she's up to with her little games, and I realize she'll never get better.  Despite the latest anti-psychotic medication, and regular visits to her psychiatrist, she will always be a hate-filled lunatic.  IMHO.

No contact truly is the only option now.  I think my job in the foreseeable future, is to strengthen my mind and prepare myself for the next contact attempt on her part, so I can ignore her completely.
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« Reply #30 on: January 16, 2012, 05:48:57 PM »

Excerpt
Do you think it's possible for the new non, either because he's calm or totally detached, to withstand the abuse?  Or maybe with the new relationship, it's possible for the BP to reduce the viciousness of her abuse?

I think it's entirely possible for you/me to start thinking about ourselves. First, who wants abuse? No matter what the non's demeanor is? Second, as someone said before, they will 'cycle' with us and without and no matter what we or anyone else does. They cycled long before we knew them and will cycle long after we forget them.

It's 2012. It's "me" time. Don't ya think?
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« Reply #31 on: January 16, 2012, 05:50:53 PM »

If you have learned anything on this site it would be that. THERE IS NO CHANCE OF THAT RELATIONSHIP WORKING. The same stages are going to happen. All 3 stages are going to come out. R EMBER, its all about them. You can change the partner but not the illness. She will act the same with whoever it is. Time is whats in question. Its not "IS IT GOING TO HAPPEN". Its when.

The new guy if not flawed (like we are to some degree) he will dump her in a new york second after the honeymoon stage. Normal people do not fall for these sick people. There is something in all of us that seen the flags and chose to ignore them. Healthy people don't do this. Thats why they look for easy targets. My ex took 5 steps down from me and she could have landed anybodie she wanted.
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« Reply #32 on: January 16, 2012, 05:56:55 PM »

She is who she is.

She is not going to change.

You  cannot change her.

He cannot change her.

Meds do not cure BPD.

There is no magic pill, you cannot think your way out of this or bargain your way out of this.

Tolerating abuse just makes the pwBPD even more disordered while consequently causing the partner to get more worn down and sick, too... .so that together they end up making a perfectly disordered unit.  This is not something to aspire to.

The only one you can change is yourself.  
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« Reply #33 on: January 16, 2012, 06:22:13 PM »

In my own case, my BPDexBF has returned to an ex with whom he had spend many years

in a very dysfunctional situation, most likely BPD (him) vs. NPD or even BPD/NPD (her).

He has run into me a few times at work and he tells me she is "walking on eggshells" (his words)

not to upset him. This has been going on for several months now, and my guess is that the inevitable

cracks of devaluation would start appearing right around now.

Well, the very last time I ran into him, they had had a daylong spat because, without his permission, she had  sifted through the boxes I shipped back to him instead of letting him do it himself. She told him she was "only trying to help" but he was outraged that she would "violate his privacy."

My response to all this was to simply say, "Excuse me, but I have work to do now. Have a nice day."

I even said it with a smile, and not sarcastically. And with that, I got in my car and drove away.

My question to the board is: Does the usual idealization/devaluation/breakup cycle happen even when people have been through cycles before? Do they learn anything from the cycles? Just curious... .and in case you're curious where I'm coming from, no, I will not take him back. I'm already seeing someone else now. It probably won't become a serious relationship, but I'm simply enjoying going to a movie and out to dinner without all the chaos of this horrific thing I just went through six months ago or so. I don't want that chaos back. But I am curious what will happen in terms of the recycle he's trying to stick with after about four months now.

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« Reply #34 on: January 16, 2012, 06:30:55 PM »

Excerpt
My question to the board is: Does the usual idealization/devaluation/breakup cycle happen even when people have been through cycles before?

Yes, only faster then the very first time, regardless of the time apart.

Excerpt
Do they learn anything from the cycles?

If they are not in some pretty intense therapy, then Nada, Zilch, Zero!
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« Reply #35 on: January 16, 2012, 06:33:55 PM »

Excerpt
And now, I know when she texts me and I respond, she will only ignore my text response so there is no reason for me to reply any more.

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.

Okay, WOW! This same exact thing happens to me.

Ok a little update on this portion of our discussion... I spoke to a non-BPD female who told me that this is actually very common behavior among women, especially younger ones.  My BP ex is 25 now, and 23 when we started dating.  So maybe this can be chalked up to immaturity and/or youth.  In my opinion, only extremely immature and/or mentally ill people would play these sorts of games, but according to this friend of mine she says that "normal" women do this all the time, sometimes to anger her boyfriend, and sometimes just to feed her own ego by showing herself how much power she can have over a guy.  So whether we can attribute this feature as a borderline-only trait is questionable.  However, I still think it's sick.  If anyone else has further insight into this particular type of behavior, ie getting a call/text from your BP ex, responding back, and then being ignored, please fill us in we'd love to hear it!

I don't think that is just a girl thing.  Guys do it too.  My exBPDbf does it all the time.  I think it is to make you wonder if they are upset... .and in turn upset you.  I think I am supposed to "text-beg" him to respond... .I don't.
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« Reply #36 on: January 16, 2012, 06:43:29 PM »

Excerpt
My question to the board is: Does the usual idealization/devaluation/breakup cycle happen even when people have been through cycles before? Do they learn anything from the cycles? Just curious

Yes, the same cycle happens over and over and over and over again.  A factor in diagnosing personality disorders in general is the tendancy to not 'learn' from past experience or past behavior and then apply what was learned... .but instead to keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over again... .with possible variations on the theme/flavor... .but it's the same dance over and over again.

My ex has done this cycle for five years with me now.  Five years, probably 20 idealizations/devaluations in all.

I can tell I'm 'white' again right now.  I am not participating so it's neither here nor there... .but I'm white again.  In the past this for me was like 'joy... .rapture'... .now it's just a sad sign of the same old disorder.   Last June I was quickly painted black and kicked out of my own home.  Today he is sending nice notes and being incredibly solicitous.  

Same thing, different day.  It's a disorder.

At this point it's sad and boring and so so  tired... .we have so done this... .but for him it's like something new is happening. Nothing new is happening.  I assure you.  It's the same old thing.   His brain works differently than mine.  No harm, no foul... .I don't take it personally anymore... .and I just don't participate anymore.  
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« Reply #37 on: January 16, 2012, 06:58:48 PM »

Excerpt
I don't think that is just a girl thing.  Guys do it too.  My exBPDbf does it all the time.  I think it is to make you wonder if they are upset... .and in turn upset you.  I think I am supposed to "text-beg" him to respond... .I don't.

Yep. This:

"As part of this "control" technique, the abuser may "set up" his/her partner, pushing as many buttons as possible to get the partner to lose control.

It's part of what is called "projective identification." If the BPD is being very abusive (that's what they learned by being abused and they believe that everyone close to them will treat them that way) and you start feeling angry (a normal response to being abused) then the BPD can then "feel" angry because you (in their thoughts) are angry at them. Since you started it, then it's okay if they are abusive or angry back at you."

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« Reply #38 on: January 16, 2012, 07:21:18 PM »

My ex just turned 29 last month. She has already been married twice and has 2 children from 2 different men. She wanted to marry me in the first year and have a child. She has now been with the new guy a little over 3.5 months and is prego yet again and getting married.

This cycle NEVER stops. The one thing I NEVER hear on this site is how a PBD person got out of a relationship and stayed single. They need to be with someone all the time to mirror their pain on to. THE NEW GUY/GIRL is doomed as we were.
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« Reply #39 on: January 16, 2012, 07:25:38 PM »

additional: Although they are incapable of real love there is no way in Heaven they can fall in love with the next guy when they just got out of a relationship, that they said soo many times that they loved us and mysteriously fall in love with the new guy. Its all crap and the next moron will experience the same fate. Stop worrying about them and turn that attention to yourself. You will see in time its doomed.
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« Reply #40 on: January 16, 2012, 09:39:52 PM »

I was an angle to my stbx BPD wife when we met. People remarked that I will not be able to handle her emotional upheavals but I knew better. I was one of the most placid and stable guys in the world, I would resque her from all her pain and abuse. She absolutely adored me and I thought she was the most wonderful thing since sliced bread. Once she got me hooked she started plucking my angel wings and turned into a self centered angry abusive narcisist.

In the end she grabbed everything that she could lay her hands on, ran me out of my own house and instantly fell in love with my replacement. Their relationship was perfect. He made her laugh she said. Five months later he was history.

They never change. Stop fretting over trash. Do nc because it is going to help you immensely in recovering. I can assure you that interacting with normal people is like breathing clean air after having been trapped in a sunken submarine. You manage to escape. You can breath again. Why are you wondering if it's better to be trapped with a deeply disfunctional person?
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« Reply #41 on: January 17, 2012, 06:51:32 AM »

additional: Although they are incapable of real love there is no way in Heaven they can fall in love with the next guy when they just got out of a relationship, that they said soo many times that they loved us and mysteriously fall in love with the new guy. Its all crap and the next moron will experience the same fate. Stop worrying about them and turn that attention to yourself. You will see in time its doomed.

Because they are in pain and empty all the time, the ‘excitement’ of meeting a new guy and the remote possibility that that new guy will meet their impossible needs causes them to have a SLIGHT positive feeling.

That feeling they experience is miles away from their enormous inner misery and hence they translate that positive feeling as ‘love’.

Of course, we all know the consequences and superficiality of that feeling.
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« Reply #42 on: January 17, 2012, 01:13:04 PM »

They never change. Stop fretting over trash. Do nc because it is going to help you immensely in recovering. I can assure you that interacting with normal people is like breathing clean air after having been trapped in a sunken submarine. You manage to escape. You can breath again. Why are you wondering if it's better to be trapped with a deeply disfunctional person?

You're absolutely right.  In my brain, I know I need to stay the hell out of the relationship with my ex BP gf.  But part of me - and I know at this point this is still faulty thinking - still wants the relationship between the BP and her new guy to fail.  I think it would validate and confirm my belief that she is in fact a BP and that all my suffering while I was with her was not (for the most part) my fault.
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« Reply #43 on: January 17, 2012, 01:25:06 PM »

@avoid.

You are 100% correct. That is what it is in a nutshell. It's more about validating us. If it fails, that makes the breakup not our fault. I think in this case in a sick kinda way, may show progress than faulty thinking. We are being selfish and its about us, NOT THEM.


I am going to be honest. 4 months ago when my ex left me she hooked up with a guy within days. 2 months later they split up. I can honestly tell you that I felt the BEST I have felt since the split. It gave me some closure. They got back together a week later now she is prego and marrying the dude.


I had to do a little soul searching to try to figure out what made me so happy they split and I found that it was the fact that I am not flawed. I do not want this person back in my life in any way shape or form but I am waiting for the day to hear about the demise of this relationship.

You guys be the judge on my statements but I can't help how I feel. Call it selfish or whatever you want. For once I am the one thinking about me and not them.
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« Reply #44 on: January 17, 2012, 02:13:44 PM »

@avoid.

You are 100% correct. That is what it is in a nutshell. It's more about validating us. If it fails, that makes the breakup not our fault. I think in this case in a sick kinda way, may show progress than faulty thinking. We are being selfish and its about us, NOT THEM.


I am going to be honest. 4 months ago when my ex left me she hooked up with a guy within days. 2 months later they split up. I can honestly tell you that I felt the BEST I have felt since the split. It gave me some closure. They got back together a week later now she is prego and marrying the dude.


I had to do a little soul searching to try to figure out what made me so happy they split and I found that it was the fact that I am not flawed. I do not want this person back in my life in any way shape or form but I am waiting for the day to hear about the demise of this relationship.

You guys be the judge on my statements but I can't help how I feel. Call it selfish or whatever you want. For once I am the one thinking about me and not them.

I like this line of thinking.  That it's time we become a bit more "selfish" or at least self-protective.  I feel really bad for this new guy in her life, I don't think he has the benefit of this forum (and sadly neither did I during my BPD relationship) and as a result he has no idea what he's getting himself into.
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« Reply #45 on: January 17, 2012, 02:24:52 PM »

You got that  right. He has no clue. This girl is unbelievably attractive. she could be a model. I knew her before we hooked up and she is a very good person. Between her looks and how she can be very good this guy thinks he has hit the jackpot. I feel sorry for him to an extent. I stayed with a BPD person for 3 years and I know there is a reason for that. There was something that made me ignore the signs.

I can promise you this though. There is no girl in this universe that's going to come at me after being day out of a relationship (with her child) and move in with me and my child. Then, get her pregnant and asked her to marry me less than 3 months together . Thats just insane for even me.

LOL. it is what it is. With that, I would say he deserves what he gets. Thats just plain stupid. He just met her.
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« Reply #46 on: January 17, 2012, 02:28:58 PM »

How do you break up with someone after only two months?  Surely things must have been really bad to get that bad that quick... why on earth would this new guy in your ex's life want to proceed with having a child with her?

With all the misfortune that fell upon us during our relationships with these BP's, thank goodness we never had any unbreakable ties to them!  Can you imagine the pain we'd have to go through if, like many members on this forum, we constantly had to see them from time to time and have them rub their "happiness" in our faces?
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« Reply #47 on: January 17, 2012, 02:40:39 PM »

I was with her for 3 years. We have been split up 3.5 months. She has been with him since we split. all this happen in 3.5 months. They even split up after 2 months then got back together. I was with her  alot longer than 2 months.Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I guess he has never been with someone so attractive and she can be the sweetest person in the world. She loves having sex. So with those 3 things and him not knowing she is BPD has him hooked. She is idealizing him right now. He is so screwed. I didnt marry her or get her prego because I knew something was wrong and she left 4 times in the 3 years. Believe me. She tried to get me to marry her 1,000 times within the first year.

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« Reply #48 on: January 18, 2012, 12:58:20 AM »

Excerpt
If anyone else has further insight into this particular type of behavior, ie getting a call/text from your BP ex, responding back, and then being ignored, please fill us in we'd love to hear it!

Borderlines have not gone through the necessary abandonment depression that is needed to become a “self.” The disorder is all about seeking out replacement attachments for the primary object (Mother) and then fleeing from "her" due to the persecutions they feel about the original failure to be a “self.” Because BPD is "other" directed, the distorted belief is that the "other person" caused these feelings to occur.  Blaming others allows for the fragile, deficient ego to repair itself- but only temporarily before the process repeats- sometimes in minutes, sometimes in hours and sometimes in days.

Since Borderline is a failure to be a “self,” apart from the attachment to others; there is an inability to “self” soothe- so every feeling is outwardly directed as being caused by someone else.  The same is true of dealing with the emotions that surface due to dysregulation. Borderlines cannot self soothe. They haven't been taught.  So they impulsively look to “other” directed sources for relief.

Both good and bad feelings come from outside sources. Much of this emotional dysregulation cannot be kept in “object constancy” and results in Borderline blame. But in order to blame there must be a sounding “other” who hears and who gives *reward* to the part-time object who is now feeling “badly” due to the distorted perceptions that someone else caused the problems and the Borderline is helpless. The goal of finding reward in others is for the “bad” to be cast off onto the perceived cause of the problem (the “other-directed” person in blame) while being soothed with the (other directed) "good" projections of the rescuer.  Everything comes from the outside to a Borderline, as they have no real sense of self direction and self responsibility, and therefore, no self accord.

This exchange usually works well with a rescuer personality (a friend or romantic partner who brings their own issues of need into the dynamic) to fulfill the “good” part time object for Borderline mirroring and buoyancy of the Borderline part time self. The resulting mirroring of the partner and the partner’s projection of good allows for both people to feel better- and the Borderline’s shallow emotions to calm- by blaming the third party. This is an attachment to a Borderline.

Now, to answer your question: why do they ignore return phone calls after they call you for help? That’s because the crisis is over and they don’t need you anymore. The crisis has passed. The feelings have come up to the surface and purged and now they are dormant again. Borderlines have shallow emotions and they can explode very quickly. They either suffer cleansing rages or they learn to push down these feelings until they cannot hold them off- and they seek out others to help them purge in "other person" over-sharing.  That's when you'll get a phone call, or text in what is an extinction burst.  

Over sharing means they attract well meaning people who try to help. Those who remain may be in the cycle due to their own pathological altruism.  Borderlines *always* have a crisis to solve- this is very important for the Borderline who lives in blame and who cannot self soothe and this can be very satisfying to some people with pathological altruism. It also ensures that there is a drama triangle at play concerning the distorted belief system that there is a crisis caused by “other” object orientation. That means there must be three people to move the drama- one to cause it, the other to flee from it and the third to listen to it and take sides. There is reward in there somewhere, try to be honest with yourself about what that is. Once you become accustomed to reward, you get really upset when you can’t have it- and that applies to everyone, not just people with BPD  Idea


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« Reply #49 on: January 18, 2012, 01:53:17 AM »

How are you AvoidAtAllCost? Are you managing to weather the storm? I understand what you are going through. My ex dumped me and never told me who the new object was, but her ex was back in her life and the parents changed their opinion of him because they had a new person to hate, me. They never knew me at all but believed every smear my ex told them. They called us a mistake and then forbid her to talk about us. The child we have is growing up without his Dad because of their ego's and pride. My ex was telling me all these things about her ex just before she broke up with me. Some good but still threw in all the bad stuff like he wasn't paying enough child support etc. She had me fooled that she hated him but I bet there was more going on. If she comes back to tell me how much she is enjoying life with her ex or new bf, I will take it with a grain of salt. Maybe she is in the honeymoon or things are genuinely better. If that is the case, despite how much it might hurt, I would have to choose to be happy for her because ultimately my child gets a happy Mother, if that's at all possible.
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« Reply #50 on: January 18, 2012, 05:56:58 AM »

2010,

Excellent analysis.
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« Reply #51 on: January 18, 2012, 08:32:02 AM »

How are you AvoidAtAllCost? Are you managing to weather the storm? I understand what you are going through. My ex dumped me and never told me who the new object was, but her ex was back in her life and the parents changed their opinion of him because they had a new person to hate, me. They never knew me at all but believed every smear my ex told them. They called us a mistake and then forbid her to talk about us. The child we have is growing up without his Dad because of their ego's and pride. My ex was telling me all these things about her ex just before she broke up with me. Some good but still threw in all the bad stuff like he wasn't paying enough child support etc. She had me fooled that she hated him but I bet there was more going on. If she comes back to tell me how much she is enjoying life with her ex or new bf, I will take it with a grain of salt. Maybe she is in the honeymoon or things are genuinely better. If that is the case, despite how much it might hurt, I would have to choose to be happy for her because ultimately my child gets a happy Mother, if that's at all possible.

After 3 months of breakup, I'm still a little surprised at how deeply affected I've been by all this.  It's not as bad now as it was in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, but I still think about her all the time.  And her attempts to re-engage me a few times (because it was an emergency and she needed something from me of course) have only caused the wounds to reopen.  I've started seeing other women etc and I still find it shocking that she can move on so quickly, literally the next day after the breakup (if not even before that!) while I am so slow to pick up the pieces of my life.

I cannot even imagine the pain and everyday horror you must have to go through by remaining in constant contact with a person not unlike my own ex.  To have to deal with her over how our child is raised, like you do, I'd probably go insane and stay there!
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« Reply #52 on: January 18, 2012, 09:17:22 AM »

I've started seeing other women etc and I still find it shocking that she can move on so quickly, literally the next day after the breakup (if not even before that!) while I am so slow to pick up the pieces of my life.



You are not slow. You are healing properly from someone you invested so much emotionally on. Her ‘moving on’ so fast should tell you how superficial she is and that moving on is not the appropriate word to describe it. I would describe it as ‘changing channels’.

pwBPD are just impossible to be with them no matter how much we tried. No one can do it, at least no human can.

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« Reply #53 on: January 18, 2012, 09:34:21 AM »

I've started seeing other women etc and I still find it shocking that she can move on so quickly, literally the next day after the breakup (if not even before that!) while I am so slow to pick up the pieces of my life.



You are not slow. You are healing properly from someone you invested so much emotionally on. Her ‘moving on’ so fast should tell you how superficial she is and that moving on is not the appropriate word to describe it. I would describe it as ‘changing channels’.

pwBPD are just impossible to be with them no matter how much we tried. No one can do it, at least no human can.

It's hard to tell whether the BPD just doesn't care, or if she's just repressing what she feels and will only take it out on the new guy, or even me somewhere down the line.  I suspect her periodic attempts to contact me here and there, ie calling me and ignoring me when I respond may be just her way of getting me back for some of the hurt I cause her.  But that's the strange part: after everything she did to me, post break up she called me for a couple of emergencies and both times I was still there for her.  And yet she continues to hurt me by calling/texting me, then ignoring me when I respond.

These people are just so disordered despite all the comfort I've found on this forum, and all the info I have read about bipolar/BPD, I still don't understand this.
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« Reply #54 on: January 18, 2012, 11:12:25 AM »

I believe they try to care but end up in a hollow place again. It's the child incapable of loving in context. Their needs are primary care needs that are too important yet lacking, so they cannot focus on anybody else. I really feel your pain as being out of contact with my ex for almost two years and having a child to her is bitter sweet. I do miss her and wonder about how she is doing but feel blessed that I am not dealing with having my feelings trampled on repeatedly. The quality of life is back for me. Something I had when I met her and that she found so attractive in me. It's a shame they cannot celebrate the good qualities of others rather than try and destroy and compete with them. I would like to know how my child is doing? I don't think I can honestly expect her to stay away for my entire life, having a child with her, so the job ahead for me is to try and establish healthy boundaries pertaining to her if she decides to revisit old wounds. They do have some sense of how they hurt others because my ex told me that I was about to experience a pain unlike anything just before she broke it off with me. A couple of times before that, upon getting back together she told me she didn't want to hurt me. Sounds like I was painted black, behind my back.
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« Reply #55 on: January 18, 2012, 12:32:07 PM »

I would like to know how my child is doing? I don't think I can honestly expect her to stay away for my entire life, having a child with her, so the job ahead for me is to try and establish healthy boundaries pertaining to her if she decides to revisit old wounds.

I am drifting from the subject of this thread but I can’t help but comment on this as your comment about not being able to see your child is too much.

How can society prevent a parent from seeing their children? A woman with a serious disorder can take the child and move into another state (or country), make it difficult for the father from seeing the child and the laws wouldn’t prevent her!

Don’t mean to sound sexist or anything but sometimes it feels that the society laws are (to say the least) unequal.

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« Reply #56 on: January 18, 2012, 05:24:14 PM »

It's a tough one isn't it. If her new relationship is really her old relationship re booted, then her ex (before me) is looking in on my child, as he has two children to her prior to me coming onto the scene. But I don't actually know, she has vanished and could be dating Chewbacca for all I know. It is creepy that her "perfect" parents decide on who is good and who is not, based on second hand gossip from the mouths of people who I've never met. I have posted on legal boards here and it has been a great help. I have also had conversations with several lawyers and still no progress. My son misses out on a good Dad because of the fear of what might happen. It is the way of life for this family who truly miss out on the love they could be receiving.
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« Reply #57 on: January 18, 2012, 07:18:20 PM »

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.  Why do this to people, months after the relationship has ended?  It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

  I totally understand this senerio and why. My exBPDgf did this. Ok she cheated on me several times and we broke up and got back together several times. During breakups I would get these texts and I would respond as you did and then nothing. Irritated the hell out of me... but this is what was happening... .it was during this time she was painting me black to the new person... "seeee she wont leave me alone?" The new person never bothered to ask "well what did YOU say to her?" See I caught her doing this when we were back together. She had told me the person she cheated on me with wouldnt leave her alone now. I said "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THIS OTHER PERSON FIRST?" All hell broke lose. I saved her in the beginning of our r/s and several times after that when we would break up and get back together. Id be told that other person was abusive... .which btw is probably what your ex is telling her new man about you... .and he is taking "good" care of her. She'll break him like a twig just like she did you.

BPD doesnt go away. Its there forever unless they get help. This guy will go through what you have eventually. Its sad. 
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« Reply #58 on: January 18, 2012, 07:51:34 PM »

Rotten stuff. It's like she makes each situation up to fit the player. An innocent text will be set up as harassment to a new object. So horrific it makes you want to take a shower. What about being honest? The truth will set you free? Pigs might fly.
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« Reply #59 on: January 18, 2012, 07:56:16 PM »

Right on suzi,

All you need to do is watch their actions when your with them during and after breakups. They do the same things over and over. the people just change. Its like watching an actor changing up the cast. My ex use to do the same crap. She would go as far as telling me someone was texting her (pass tense) and she just ignored them. Just look at what he/she told you about their ex before you. I bet she is doing the same to you. A mutual friend (my friend actually) saw my ex at a concert with her knew man and before he could ask her how has she been she started the smear campaign on me. He told her that he didn't want to get all involved in that and walked off. Hopefully she felt like an idiot.
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« Reply #60 on: January 18, 2012, 08:54:24 PM »

I fear the same thing. I am irritated to think he is comparing the new women he is meeting to me, and and thinking how much they are better than me. I hope I get to the point where I could care less what he thinks.

Also, I am a young woman and I would never text someone and not respond. My sister would and she has BPD.
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« Reply #61 on: January 18, 2012, 10:22:31 PM »

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.  Why do this to people, months after the relationship has ended?  It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

  I totally understand this senerio and why. My exBPDgf did this. Ok she cheated on me several times and we broke up and got back together several times. During breakups I would get these texts and I would respond as you did and then nothing. Irritated the hell out of me... but this is what was happening... .it was during this time she was painting me black to the new person... "seeee she wont leave me alone?" The new person never bothered to ask "well what did YOU say to her?" See I caught her doing this when we were back together. She had told me the person she cheated on me with wouldnt leave her alone now. I said "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THIS OTHER PERSON FIRST?" All hell broke lose. I saved her in the beginning of our r/s and several times after that when we would break up and get back together. Id be told that other person was abusive... .which btw is probably what your ex is telling her new man about you... .and he is taking "good" care of her. She'll break him like a twig just like she did you.

BPD doesnt go away. Its there forever unless they get help. This guy will go through what you have eventually. Its sad. 

suzn, this is a great new perspective regarding the messaging.  I hadn't thought of that before, and that may be just one of the other reasons they do that.  So far, I have concluded the 4 main reasons that our BP exes call/text us and then ignore our responses is:

1. To hurt us by prolonging our agony in the aftermath of the breakup.

2. To see how we're doing ie whether their egos can be satisfied because we are collapsing.

3. To keep us "on the shelf" in case their current relationship doesn't work out.

4. To gain sympathy with the new guy/girl they're seeing and set them as their new "rescuer."

As for this thing going away if they don't get treatment, I'm still on the fence about this.  My ex was seeing a psychiatrist regularly and had just started taking a very effective new anti psychotic medication.  But even though it helped big time with her moods and day to day behavior, in the end the therapy/drug combo did nothing to prevent the mainline BPD behaviors such as mean putdowns, push-pull tactics, silent treatments, ignoring, mind games, triangulation (read definition), cheating, etc and all the other really good features of the cyclical BPD relationship.  The only thing that changed was that she was not quite as withdrawn as she usually was.  This, no doubt, was a result of the meds controlling her depression and hypomania.  In other words, the drugs treated her bipolar symptoms, but not her more serious borderline symptoms.  The therapy she was receiving, whatever it was, in my mind only made her hate me more and blame me for everything in her life.  She even told me her therapist hated me too Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

As someone once told me, a pill cannot fix a relationship. 

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« Reply #62 on: January 18, 2012, 10:38:52 PM »

My ex told me my friends, her parents, her little girl and all her friends couldn't stand me. I knew her family but they lived in another state and I had a great time everytime we went to visit them. Her little girl would look for me everytime she came home from visiting her dad. She didn't have any friends but the guys who were trying to get in her pants. She said my friends would tell her stuff about me all the time. You cant listen to these people. They just try to say the meanest things to hurt you. This nut went as far as to tell me my own parent's wanted to put me in re-hab for alcohol. What a moron. I just laughed in her face. She said I was ugly and dressed funny. She said I was old and she hated me. She said I will never get another girl in my life. LMAO I could tell ya a whole lot of other funny mean crap she said.

The one I like the best is that my voice is the most irretating thing she has ever heard. My tone is bad.
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« Reply #63 on: January 19, 2012, 12:28:45 AM »

They love tone of voice issues. So did my ex's Mum. They are just sad pathetic creatures with no tolerance for human behaviour. What does that say about them? Your ex and mine sound similar. There were so many disdainful put downs I lost count. She also bagged her ex out all the time, then started talking him up before she dumped me, telling me how physically muscular he was and that he worked out every day. I could tell she was sizing him up for re-seduction despite him already moving on with another girl. It is a living hell inside that world.
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« Reply #64 on: January 19, 2012, 12:47:26 AM »

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... yep, mine was no different. she dogged him saying he was gay and a petifile then told me in the end that I was worse than him. Not that I have anything against gays. I was just saying what she was. crazy i tellya
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« Reply #65 on: January 19, 2012, 12:57:27 AM »

It is so crazy. My ex entertained another guy in her house for a weekend, even telling me he slept in the same bed as her (but nothing happened) and told me I had nothing to fear about her being involved with him because he didn't like onions in his sandwiches. One day she would tease me and say how hot he was, the next that I was over reacting and they were friends. One day I called her and she was out shopping with him after one of our infamous semi break ups and she was pregnant at the time. She joked about how he could see her naked body under the dress that was blown up by the wind. Friends without boundaries. Sure, I was convinced she was faithful. The way she bagged the ex you could tell she liked him. Ok, like is a strong word, needed him maybe. I really hope she didn't screw up his post BPD relationship but I get the feeling that turned to dust. There's no telling what she will do next. Just hope I stay off the radar. Trying to get visitation rights to see my child and may have to go through the courts. Can't wait to see her.
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« Reply #66 on: January 19, 2012, 03:14:53 AM »

She said I will never get another girl in my life.



I heard the exact thing myself! She also added that ‘I am the best you will ever meet’.

Yeah right….the ‘best’ (by far) in turning my life upside down!

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« Reply #67 on: January 19, 2012, 04:06:01 AM »

Avoid,

My heart goes out to you... .I so wish for you this:

The true desire to let go... .

"She" has a cushion... .her 1 hundred millionth fall guy... .

It may look better but it is not... .

To truly let go you must want to move on and exercise love of self... .and with technology this is extremely possible... .

It is possible to block her # from your cell and block her ability to email. With technology today we can do this. And, if they find a new # to call us from we can block that, as well. My cell phone carrier allows me 5 #'s to block at a time, and I have used all 5. My email provider allows me an infinite amount of emails to block.

But, this is a choice only you can make. And when I see people on here constantly complaining about being contacted by their X and they have not taken these measures, it tells me they want and need to stay in contact and to have the chaos in their head and hearts. (I'm not judging when I state this)

If you truly want to move on you must remove ALL possible communication. With technology this is quite simple and swift and possible to do.

Now, with your heart... .perhaps, not so easy to do.

My 2 cents worth is, if you want to move on and attack the true problem (your obsession with another human being) remove all possibilities of contact and then seek help and figure out what this is about for you... .

She is not responsible for your unrelenting attachment to her. Though, she is quite aware of it ;o)... .I assure you... .she knows her prey... .

You are so very loved and important to this world, to us, your co-hearts of people that care about others to the extent we sometimes put them first... .

It is time to put yourself first (and this is OK!) for we are no good to anyone when we don't love and respect ourselves... .

Blessings to you and may you find strength to let go... .just as you would advise a friend... .tell yourself it is time say goodbye and give this woman no means of contacting you... .you deserve to be loved... .

Is love going to happen when your heart yearns for another, who loves and is with another?

I think not... .

There are millions of beautiful and wonderful women out there undiscovered by you.

You are wasting precious time and energy over someone who is not available.

Seriously! If this were a friend, wouldn't you want to just, I don't know, slap them silly, because they were being so re dic ulous, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!

Hugs... .Peace... .and LOVE... .from the 60's haha!

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« Reply #68 on: January 19, 2012, 04:56:09 AM »

If this helps you:

When my BPD ex broke up with her ex (before me), she moved onto me immediately. She broke up with him to be with me after knowing me for only a few days. I looked a few months back on her Facebook and it was obvious she had led him to believe that he was "perfect" for her, and that they were going to be together forever and get married.

So she moves on to me. He was absolutely devastated. She and I got along wonderfully - I guess because she was using mirroring and moulding herself around me. She definitely displayed red flags of a BPDer early, but she did a great job of manipulating those to look like they were my fault. As time went on, even months before our breakup, our relationship probably looked "perfect" from the outside. She was ACTING like it was perfect to other people, while behind closed doors I was getting yelled at and she was crying her eyes out on practically a daily basis. Over nothing.

Her ex just saw a "perfect" relationship from the outside. He saw her never faltering, never being upset, all over her new AMAZING man. It was a sham. She walked out and said I hurt her more than she's ever been hurt in her life. On to the next victim.

Now, at the end of the day, you shouldn't worry. She'll do the same to the next guy. More importantly, you shouldn't worry because she's not your problem anymore. You don't need to worry about her, you need to worry about yourself.
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« Reply #69 on: January 19, 2012, 05:53:31 AM »

ithurts2much... .this is a great insight and very helpful to many of us who think their acting out will stop just because they met someone new.

Jumping from one r/s to another in no time is, by itself, a clear indication that pwBPD don't go through proper healing, will never grow up and will indefinitely feel emptiness and inner pain.

Whenever I hear stories about a pwBPD moving fast to someone else I just add the number by one of the total members of this community.

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« Reply #70 on: January 19, 2012, 09:34:04 AM »

My ex entertained another guy in her house for a weekend, even telling me he slept in the same bed as her (but nothing happened) and told me I had nothing to fear about her being involved with him because he didn't like onions in his sandwiches.

I'm not sure which would be more alarming ... .

If this was a lie ... .or if it were true.
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« Reply #71 on: January 19, 2012, 10:41:22 AM »

If this helps you:

When my BPD ex broke up with her ex (before me), she moved onto me immediately. She broke up with him to be with me after knowing me for only a few days. I looked a few months back on her Facebook and it was obvious she had led him to believe that he was "perfect" for her, and that they were going to be together forever and get married.

So she moves on to me. He was absolutely devastated. She and I got along wonderfully - I guess because she was using mirroring and moulding herself around me. She definitely displayed red flags of a BPDer early, but she did a great job of manipulating those to look like they were my fault. As time went on, even months before our breakup, our relationship probably looked "perfect" from the outside. She was ACTING like it was perfect to other people, while behind closed doors I was getting yelled at and she was crying her eyes out on practically a daily basis. Over nothing.

Her ex just saw a "perfect" relationship from the outside. He saw her never faltering, never being upset, all over her new AMAZING man. It was a sham. She walked out and said I hurt her more than she's ever been hurt in her life. On to the next victim.

Now, at the end of the day, you shouldn't worry. She'll do the same to the next guy. More importantly, you shouldn't worry because she's not your problem anymore. You don't need to worry about her, you need to worry about yourself.

This is really a perfect post and hopefully an eye opener for anyone here doubting, because it's 100% TRUE! I experienced the same sh#t. Either with me or for example her ex, most of the time she was unhappy, yelling, raging, crying and even cutting herself. But nobody on the outside (especially family members) were aware of this and she acted very happy towards them. Same for social stuff like FB. Always placing nicest and cutest pictures, posting the sweetest comments. It seems so perfect, but don't be fooled!  
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« Reply #72 on: January 19, 2012, 11:55:07 AM »

@yianks

Actually she said I would never get anyone like her or better. You hit the nail on the head. I was also like. "you right, I WILL NEVER GET ANYONE LIKE YOU. Your crazy.


@Ithurtstomuch

Extremely good insight. That is the perfect example of what goes on in the "I KNOW THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT"

What else would you expect them to say? You think they are going to tell you that their life is miserable with the new guy? HELL no. They are sick not stupid. Upon leaving they want to inflict as much pain and chaos in your life as they can. And why wouldn't they, We are evil and deserve punishment for trying to help. We deserve to be belittled, smeared, split black and tortured. They can't exist one moment without us knowing how happy they are so they can drive that steak right through our hearts just so they can get some sick gratification. These people are never happy.

Look at it this way. WE/US Will get better with time and self help and move on to more healthy relationships. These people will NEVER get better. They will live in this HELL forever unless they take responsibility for their illness.

When you guys get through this and meet someone you really care about and are happy. Think back to all of this and say to yourself "You know, I am Better" . I can promise you someone else will be on these boards heartbroken over a girl and guess who the girl is going to be?,  All of our exes.

I personaly cant wait for this day.

great thread
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« Reply #73 on: January 19, 2012, 11:57:58 AM »

I meant girl/guy . I just have a habit of saying girl because i never went out with a guy... Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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Komo

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« Reply #74 on: January 19, 2012, 01:49:18 PM »

If this helps you:

When my BPD ex broke up with her ex (before me), she moved onto me immediately. She broke up with him to be with me after knowing me for only a few days. I looked a few months back on her Facebook and it was obvious she had led him to believe that he was "perfect" for her, and that they were going to be together forever and get married.

So she moves on to me. He was absolutely devastated. She and I got along wonderfully - I guess because she was using mirroring and moulding herself around me. She definitely displayed red flags of a BPDer early, but she did a great job of manipulating those to look like they were my fault. As time went on, even months before our breakup, our relationship probably looked "perfect" from the outside. She was ACTING like it was perfect to other people, while behind closed doors I was getting yelled at and she was crying her eyes out on practically a daily basis. Over nothing.

Her ex just saw a "perfect" relationship from the outside. He saw her never faltering, never being upset, all over her new AMAZING man. It was a sham. She walked out and said I hurt her more than she's ever been hurt in her life. On to the next victim.

Mine did exactly the same! Like in EXACTLY! It's uncanny how similar they are!

When she broke up with her husband she immediately moved in with me and ranted and raved at him while telling me that I was the sweetest, most wonderful man she has ever met and that she wants to grow old with me. She called me lovy and sweety.  Eight years down the line, I was ranted and raved at, I was told that I am like an 80 year old man, I was gaslilghted, and when I eventually discovered that she was with another man, she unashamedly told me that he makes her laugh. He was almost half her age by the way. From his reactions towards me I also knew that she told him that I used to hit her (she told me the same story about her ex 8 years ago).

The more I think of it the more convinced I am that they are scamsters who just suck up everything that they can from us and then move on.

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« Reply #75 on: January 19, 2012, 01:54:35 PM »

I'm not really of the opinion that my ex is purposely doing anything to hurt me. I think she's just mentally unstable. She probably really does think she has intense feelings of love during the infatuation period. But ultimately that comes crashing down (which she has no control over) and her attempts to maintain the relationship after this period are emotionally torturous to her. This is where she begins to form the opinion that I was a horrible man.

Whether or not she hates me now, her emotional attachment isn't fully gone. You can hate someone and still be emotionally attached. So she keeps playing the push pull game she played throughout our entire relationship, but this time she's only doing it to check up and make sure I'm still "available".
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« Reply #76 on: January 19, 2012, 02:56:24 PM »

Staff only

Good discussion. Thread has reached four pages and is now locked. Feel free to just start a new ones... .

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