He called me to tell me he is not over me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He called me on saturday and to tell me he is not over me. & today I got this e-mail from him

Marcie. I was giving the advice to wait about a year. If I still felt the same it was meant to be. I'm surprised you are already with and moving on with someone else. Marcie you have always been right about everything you have ever said to me. Especially when u said we were soul mates. We had a unique love that I felt at the beginning was so broken never realizing that I could turn it into the most beautiful love story of all time. Where the worst has happened and the only thing to do is live happily ever after. I know u will never love this guy as much as me. Quick n impulsive ideas are never good. I learned that the hard way. I think about you all the time and the only good and interesting things I've ever done were with you. My soul aches for you. I love you.


Should I respond or just ignore it? I have blocked him from Facebook and he still finds a way to go on my business page and put "like" on everything I post

[Marcie]

He called me on saturday and to tell me he is not over me. & today I got this e-mail from him

Marcie. I was giving the advice to wait about a year. If I still felt the same it was meant to be. I'm surprised you are already with and moving on with someone else. Marcie you have always been right about everything you have ever said to me. Especially when u said we were soul mates. We had a unique love that I felt at the beginning was so broken never realizing that I could turn it into the most beautiful love story of all time. Where the worst has happened and the only thing to do is live happily ever after. I know u will never love this guy as much as me. Quick n impulsive ideas are never good. I learned that the hard way. I think about you all the time and the only good and interesting things I've ever done were with you. My soul aches for you. I love you.


Should I respond or just ignore it? I have blocked him from Facebook and he still finds a way to go on my business page and put "like" on everything I post

[avoidatallcost]

If you want to avoid being plunged back into his world of insanity and mental suffering, with you as his target, then you will ignore the message.  He is lonely, and cannot find another victim/host.  Therefore, he is jumping on the next obvious target, an old lover which in this case is you.

Stay the hell away from him.  Don't let him suck you back in.  Romantic relationships and even friendships with these people are not possible.  It is obvious he is just trying to suck you back into his world of chaos.

[htl67]

Should you respond? It depends on how badly you want back on the roller coaster ride that always ends in pain.

htl67

[Marcie]

Thanks avoidatallcost.

I forgot to mention that when he called on saturday he called to have an honest and open communication where he revealed that he cheated on me while we were together and that he felt so guilty that, that is the reason for him splitting me black and just leaving and finding another girl to sleep with, just a week later. He was with her for a few months and she gave him herpes. Then today he sends me this e-mail.

Should I respond with a boundary setting e-mail telling him the reasons why I never want to hear back from him? I don't want back on the roller coaster ride I just want him to leave me alone now. I am in a new relationship with a man who is not abusive and very supportive. I don't want XBPDbf in my life anymore at all.

[WalrusGumboot]

Should I respond with a boundary setting e-mail telling him the reasons why I never want to hear back from him? I don't want back on the roller coaster ride I just want him to leave me alone now.

I would say you are done and leave it at that. If you give him any point to debate, he will use it to try to get to you. I would say that you moved on, what is done is done, and suggest he move on as well.

[argyle]

I'd just filter his emails and block his phone calls.  Simple, easy, low stress. You've already said your good-byes.

--Argyle

[MeMeMe]

I personally would not respond in any way at all. Your opening the lines of communication and he will be thinking you still care. What if it gets out of hand? You could be putting your new relationship at risk.

Look at the arrogance of it? " you will never love him as much as me"? He's told you he cheated on you. Why would you want to engage at all with him?

Imagine him smiling to himself because you have replied? Smug at your response as he knows you still care enough to reply?

[2010]

TRANSLATION:

He called me on saturday and to tell me he is not over me.

He called me on saturday to tell me it’s not over until he says it’s over.

Marcie. I was giving the advice to wait about a year.

About a year…give or take… Can’t you follow orders? Just remain on call.  Decision is up to me, not you.

If I still felt the same it was meant to be.

Like I said, I’m making the decision about this, not you. You just needed to sit still and wait. No dating-that’s unacceptable to my idea of you being available (to me.)

I'm surprised you are already with and moving on with someone else.

I’m angry that you’ve chosen to make a personal decision without my approval.

Marcie you have always been right about everything you have ever said to me.

I’m willing to tolerate listening to you again if you’ll listen to me. That’s the only way I can get you back into my control.

Especially when u said we were soul mates.

That’s a good hook! I’m going to hammer this one home every time I feel like I’m losing control of you.  After all, it was your idea and I can use it against you to manipulate you. Ironically, I am your soul mate, but the lesson you have to learn about your destiny is in how to walk away from abuse... .that's why I'm in your life- to teach you! 

We had a unique love that I felt at the beginning was so broken never realizing that I could turn it into the most beautiful love story of all time.

“I could turn it…” It’s all up to me, me… me! I’m in charge and I hate that you’ve forced me into sending this email this by dating someone else. You caused me to do this. Couldn’t you have just kept still on the shelf?

Where the worst has happened and the only thing to do is live happily ever after.

I need you and him to break up. Right now. My sense of control depends upon it.

I know u will never love this guy as much as me.

This statement makes me look like I’m pleading, but it’s actually hiding pent up rage and anger that you have chosen someone else instead of me. If we get back together, I will make you pay for your “indiscretion” by holding him over your head.

Don’t kid yourself, you haven’t heard the last of this. I’m going to mock your new relationship even if you break up with him. Hopefully, I’ll get you to mock him too- in order to prove your love to me. This will be the bulk of our conversations- and yes, you can bring up my indiscretions. In fact, we’ll start just where we left off the last time.

Quick n impulsive ideas are never good. I learned that the hard way.

There, I’m devaluing the new partner for you! and I might add, nice control tactic, if only you say yes. And no, I can’t tell you what I’ve learned now that makes for the fairytale ending. I just want the chance to reel you back in.

I think about you all the time and the only good and interesting things I've ever done were with you.

Oy. This is a dual appeal to your Pity as well as your pathological altruism. Did it work?

My soul aches for you. I love you.

My love is longing for you, it is yearning for you. It is a fantasy. It is also fickle and won’t last…  Especially since I’m so pissed off at you for “moving on” impulsively. I’m the only one allowed to do that and also to be forgiven for it!

Marcie, the minute we get back together I’ll be doing the same behaviors. You see, this email is really about my panic- Panic that you’ve found someone new and I’m losing control of you. I’m going to go all out in one last ditch effort to say the right things. I’m also angry about losing control of you.

You were supposed to be a toy on the shelf- until I picked you up to play again. I’m mad that you have a mind of your own.  If we do get back together, I’ll be nice for a while until I can’t keep it in- then I will tell you all the ways that you have disappointed me. Be prepared if we do reengage.

My soul aches for the toy. The one who tells me I’m perfect and overlooks my emotional outbursts and waits on the shelf- never unavailable to me, never gone from my life. Just there when I need “it.” You do not determine when that is- only I have the power to say so. The “wait” seems to be my theme here… it’s a shame that you’ve forced my hand by taking yourself off the shelf and having a life of your own. I... just…don’t…like…it. I guess this email is really about me- and not you. But then you knew that, right?

Sadly, nothing’s changed.

Please ignore my email- it’s just a childish cry for attention and control.  I need to mature and learn that true love is not neediness. I need to apologize for all the harm I have done to you and to the other women and even to myself. In spite of all the harm I’ve done, I tried my best to love, but I have a personality problem that needs addressing. I know you tried- but it’s my job to fix it. I’m going to release you from any obligation, guilt or suffering because of it and apologize for not appreciating your efforts in the past. I want the best for you; you shouldn’t be spending your life trying to fix my problems. I need to grow up. I need to mature. I need to be alone to tackle my neediness with women and find better ways to build my character.

I wish you and your new relationship success in life. No more timetables and agendas now- that was just my attempt to keep you in the blame game. I wish everyone peace. I must be solitary, without anyone to blame. A new day, a new year, 2012- a new life.

Best wishes to you, Marcie. 

[marbleloser]

 Don't respond Marcie.Think of the man in your life now and how it would make him feel.I was patching things up with my wife when exBPDgf reconnected.We(the wife and I) were doing pretty well.I tried to be a "friend",but too many feelings came back.You can't have any contact.It's the only way to protect yourself and the one's you care about.

[Confused69]

Hello Marce, i just wanted to ask you  a few questions. 

How long were you with your ex?  Did you move away?   How long did it take you to get over him and move on?  IS this his first interest in reconnecting? 

My uBPDexgf uset to always tell me I wasnt allowed to date for at least a year if we broke up.  She said if i did she would set the new girl on fire or run her over. .  I think after i year you should just ignore him and block him in every way, especially if your happy and in a healthy relationship.    If he continues get an RO and then maybe he will get the message.  I dont think its worth your time to re engage him.  Like they say, its never about you, its about them.  Good luck Marcie

[Confuzzled12]

It's scary how much that e-mail sounds like my own exwBPD. The same language, the same accusations about impulsive behaviour (somewhat true in my case, but still, projection). Don't fall for it. It really is a trap. I swear I can read the underlying anger in e-mails like that.

Even the ones which are meant to be super-emotional cries for help are always beautifully crafted. They always 'feel' angry, even if that's not what the e-mail is about.

I'm sure you know Marcie - this doesn't end well. Just ignore it. Don't take the bait. Your new r/s sounds like it has the hallmarks of being good, and stable. Who knows where it might end?

Your old r/s sounds like it was full of chaos, resentment, control and manipulation. You know where that ends.

Take care, chin up, and let the child wear himself out!

[Marcie]

I was about to send him this e-mail and came here to check on responses. I did not send it after reading 2010's interpretation. Why do I still feel that I can get through to him and make him understand what he did to me?


This is what I was going to send: thoughts feeb back encouraged as this is helpful to my recovery and self-inquiry. Thank-you yes my new relationship is nice. He doesn't accuse me of doing things I don't do. He communicated with me openly. He is supportive, respectful and affectionate. 

The e-mail I didn't send:

Some things never change. This is still all about you... It always had been. It was never about me. It still isn't. Because if it was all you would care about it my happiness now after everything you have done.

You say

"I know u will never love this guy as much as me"

Gee thanks for telling my heart and brain what to feel and think.


You said "our relationship was so broken in the beginning" this is how you felt. Well you know that saids a lot. Because although it was chaotic it was mostly all because of you. And from the looks of it that hasn't changed. Our relationship was broken? Because you broke it.

You say

"I think about you all the time and the only good and interesting things I've ever done were with you"

How can you be thinking about me all the time and love me yet cheat on me and then go hook up with whats her butt and get a std from her?

So this means you were at your best when you were with me & you are worse off now and not better? So this whole year that you waited to see if you still have felt the same, you haven't done any work on yourself or gotten help?

I cannot ever forget all the things you did to me and what you put me through.

you disrespected my father, you humiliated me with your actions, you texted me you hated me for no reason, you were mentally and emotionally abusive, you went and bought a house without me, you had no intentions of putting my name on a house I was going to help pay the mortgage on, you cheated on me, you lied to me, you were secretive.



I was in a dead relationship and didn't know it, because you were cheating on me. It obvious now that the choices were for the better.

Move on XBPDBF. I have. I have no desire to live in the past. We are each others past now. Stop contacting me

[Confuzzled12]

Trust me: Don't send anything.

After the last (similar) e-mail from my exwBPD I wrote 3,000 words of explanation to send to her. Just before I sent it, I found by coincidence a website with some very nasty things said about me.

So I didn't give her that essay. It's a blueprint to my mind - what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling - it gives them something to work with.

The less they know about how you're feeling, the less effective their contact is. If you pick apart his e-mail and then give him feedback, he'll just take those particular tactics out of his strategy.

Eventually the contact just becomes incoherent rambling, contradictory and confused.

[argyle]

 : Best to avoid further contact with disordered people.  It has all been said and done already.

: Besides, being ignored triggers abandonment, which triggers meltdowns.  Block email and phone and you won't even have to hear about it.  Although, if your BPD resembles my BPD, you'll hear about the eventual explosion/implosion through the grapevine.

--Argyle

[GlennT]

What an inspiration you have been Marcie! Thank God you've found a stable mate. Way to go  Right now, action will speak louder than words ever will with this ex. If he comes over, stand behind your new man as HE answers the door. If he accosts you on the street, do not talk, but keep moving then call the police if you are upset. Even get a RO if you need one.  

[bpdlover]

Another spot on post from 2010, who still hasn't answered my question from another post. This is slimy and I dread it happening to me despite being some way through the healing process. All I can say to you is, please take as long as you need to see things clearly. This may be hard as I know from my personal experience, I can see things clearly for up to two days and then have trouble dealing with the confusion of having a child to my ex. I've recently decided that regardless, I have to stay away. I would not respond at all.

[zoso80]

   Marcie!

2010 has a way of bringing the BPD mindset into focus!

You are being set up to be used at your exBPD's will. Bravo to you for having the strength and courage to realize the best communication with a BPD is none!

Remembering the things he did to you and that you deserve a better healthier relationship will aide you well.

An additional suggestion - block him every way you know how (email, phone etc) ... .let him eat silence. Help him move on.

Best,

[Marcie]

I just listen to my voicemail and he left me a voice mail singing about his biggest mistake was letting me go.

[Suzn]

2010 I think that was the best reply Ive ever seen here. wow

[bpdlover]

Singing? It's a no brainer now!

[marbleloser]

Marcie, it's so close to the text I got from my ex.Even the "I know you'll never love her like you do me".I fell for it,because I thought she was right.Kudos for not replying.

[Suzn]

how do you feel right now marcie?

[Marcie]

I feel a little anxious. I am not going to reply though.

He is a singer/song writer. He left a message playing the guitar and singing... .a song about loosing me being his biggest mistake.

I wonder if part of me believes that he actually feels this way

[diotima]

Yes, 2010's interpretation was spot on.

My ex has been trying to contact me in the past month--even managed to get through my email filter. What has really helped is the length of time I have been NC. Someone must have dumped him and he is trying to go another round with me... .or someone else... .or someone else. Same   . They will say whatever they think will work--to get back in control, as 2010 says.

All I can say is that when I did have contact after the final break up, it was always the same crap and there is no reasoning with them. It doesn't matter what you say, how many times you explain it, nothing will get through. There is no point in it. Even when I told my ex not to contact me any more he had to reply and guilt trip me. There is just no point.

Diotima

[eeyore]

I'm late to this thread but I think you are now on the right track.  Ignore, ignore, ignore.  Live the better life without him.

[bpdlover]

Life is truly better without them. I'm almost two years NC and there are no riddles to solve except the aftermath of such an abusive relationship. I am getting myself back, can't let myself go like that ever again. Especially since I have now experienced the insanity of a BPD partner.

[StillInShock]

After reading 2010 translation for what is hiding between the lines... .you realize that they never change

Marcie... .it is about time that you close that chapter and never look back... .you have been blessed with a caring person that deserves to focus all your energy and emotions toward him

[C12P21]

I wonder if part of me believes that he actually feels this way

He might, in the moment... until he has you and then the disorder begins, again. The question is... if you believe this to be true, that he actually feels this way... what does it mean to you and how do you feel about his declarations?

Where are you in your emotional distance from this person... or does a part of you still yearn for the r/s? It is okay to yearn-we all yearn for something in our life, an unmet need, or in my case-my personal yearning is for a cigarette.

I enjoy smoking, always have but gave it up because I know it is addictive and will eventually destroy me, one vital organ at a time. But oh in the morning, a cup of Joe and a smoke... .

My r/s was a lot like those smokes, what was yours like?

 

And I still get poetry every couple of months... unsigned, no address but it relates to our r/s.

I read it, sigh, and gently line the cat box with the paper. Might as well make good use of the paper.   The sentiments are sweet too, just as real as a Hallmark card and about as useful.

C

[htl67]

I read it, sigh, and gently line the cat box with the paper.

Lol! Now that was funny! Thanks for the laugh this morning 

htl67

[Marcie]

C12P21 thanks you for your post it cracked me up. Thanks for the advice to not answer him back. I have no and it feels good to not get sucked back in to the drama