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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: I decided: I will crush her  (Read 6509 times)
tailspin
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« Reply #30 on: May 21, 2012, 02:26:50 PM »

The unfortunate truth is vengence only ties you to her and prolongs your healing process.  The path to freedom does not go through your ex but in your ability to let go of her.
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« Reply #31 on: May 21, 2012, 02:32:03 PM »

The unfortunate truth is vengence only ties you to her and prolongs your healing process.  The path to freedom does not go through your ex but in your ability to let go of her.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #32 on: May 21, 2012, 02:32:20 PM »

Said some really bad things that she'll have to cope with and come to terms with for the rest of her life.

She'll never forget that, trust me.

Quid pro quo

She may never forget it, but I'm sure how she remembers it isn't how you think. I highly doubt she'll be coping or coming to terms with anything the rest of her life. Do you really think if she were capable of that, she'd act the way she does?

I just reaffirmed her worst fears, that she had stated to me in the past.

She had an ex-bf who refused to speak with her/have any contact.

Understand why now. I'm going down the same path.

How that pained her you'll never know.

She think's of exe's like trophies.

I refuse to be one of them  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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atwitsend
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« Reply #33 on: May 21, 2012, 02:35:41 PM »

Excerpt
The unfortunate truth is vengence only ties you to her and prolongs your healing process.  The path to freedom does not go through your ex but in your ability to let go of her.

I don't pretend to know Kminery---and it's probably for the best that no one here pretend that they really know him either. K might be perfectly capable of a heaping dose of revenge---on the way to letting go.
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« Reply #34 on: May 21, 2012, 02:51:24 PM »

Im sure we all have felt like you at some stage, even some of still do. but how wouldyou feel when its all over, i have imagined doing all sorts when im angry, but i know the anger will go and then the guilt will come. how do you know you can cope with that guilt. I know they hurt us, but will going to the lowest depths make us feel better? im not sure. if it does and you have no guilt or remorse then im stood a corrected. let us know how it goes!
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Kminery
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« Reply #35 on: May 21, 2012, 03:18:43 PM »

Hi Ellil,

Yeah well, I am still on my plan. There is this slight hope inside me. Once I exact my revenge on her, I will kill that hope and will be able to move on. My anger's still there, and I'll unleash it soon.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #36 on: May 21, 2012, 03:40:02 PM »

Kminery

I think you just nailed whats really at the meat of this... .hope.   What are or were you hopeful for?

GM
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« Reply #37 on: May 21, 2012, 04:08:50 PM »

My hope was the hope that every non has post-breakup. The hope that all this is a bad dream and that there is no way on earth, after all the good treatment we gave them, that they won't come to their senses. It's like you answer all questions right on a test, and end up getting a B. You KNOW deep inside it's an A, you know you have chances of getting back.

Well that hope, I wanna kill it. And i'll kill it by killing all the chances through my revenge.
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« Reply #38 on: May 21, 2012, 04:19:27 PM »

I knew that hope well.  I believe they call it malignant hope. 

It sounds like you are going through the grieving process.  The anger and bargaining with this hope thing could be part of that.

Barganing was the hardest for me... .it gives us a sense of control and fixableness in an uncontrollable situation.

You have a right to your feelings.  It's more what you do with them so you don't hurt yourself.

Have you checked out the grieving workshop?

GM
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« Reply #39 on: May 21, 2012, 04:31:37 PM »

Hi Kminery

Revenge ? Crush ? Destroy ?

I like so many had ideas of this. How can someone in a small community sleep with over 100 men, cheat and destroy two husbands then do the same to me ?

Its called BPD.

How can they operate in a community with such a history and spin stories about me and vilify me in horrible ways ? Well they can spin the stories but eventually it comes back and hits them. It did with mine and it will with yours ! You don't do a thing don't stoop to their level just live your life and grow, without them.

I am at a point totally indifferent to my ex, totally indifferent to her new boy whom he was a friend of sorts they both cheated on me and then proceeded to tell the most horrible lies and mess with my life for many months post breakup. Funny thing is I had the tools to exact revenge on both of them and totally change their lives, both of them but resisted the urge to use the ammo. Why ? Why when they were attacking me, my friends, trying to ruin my new relationship ? Bottom line they were not worth it !

Like you I vented on this very board ! I did however not take action to help karma along.

Does it make me a better person ? Maybe. Does it matter ? Not really to anyone other than me. Me ME ME ... .Or in this case YOU YOU YOU is all that matters !

A few questions I will ask. Do you really think your ex will change with her new partner ? The delivery may change but the cruel and inhuman way you were treated will it change with the new partner ? She is sick, like a severely mentally retarded child and that's exactly what I view my ex as being, can she or will she change ? NO.

Taking or exacting revenge or karma on them may make you feel vented for a while but for me in the relationship their was a point. A cliff. I never raised my voice in response to abuse. Didn't demean or swear or was violent. She hit me, I restrained her. She spat on me I wiped it off. I didn't fight back and was the proverbial doormat thinking this would help. I was duped cheated upon as I found out post RS. But I didn't jump of that cliff and become her. I went close and to be honest post relationship I not only had jumped from the cliff I was halfway down but this was unbeknown to my ex. Some of us in BPD relationships have gone to the same level as the ex. It make me NO better I didn't and this was the objective of my ex I suspect to make me like her so she could wave it around and claim I did something wrong.

Do you want to be just like your ex ? That's a good question.

Tuff one but your about to attack a mentally stunted child with an emotional age of about 2 and hope for some way its going to make you feel good. Go ahead ! Seriously. You are there just where your ex wants you.

I asked before did you think it would change for the next victim ? Some have commented about how their family supports them. Of course they do they have little choice. I am sure they know there are issues but for me having a 21 year old being told I was a monster whom I cared for and the same to a 15 year old and I should be avoided because I was some monster. It hurts and hurts like hell but one cant go and speak to them, its their mother and they love her. Yes they know their are issues with two husbands and me and others she has treated the same way horribly. But telling a child what your perception of the truth is, and your PERCEPTION is probably close to the money will change not one thing.

On the past and real history of my ex I had some people come and be very kind to me post relationship. One was my ex's best friend on the planet, she told me what was going on. It hurt like hell at the time but eventually helped me see BPD for what it was. Amazingly her only parent her mother also came and spoke to me several times for hours telling me the real truth about her past about her own daughter, how she cheated on her first husband, her second, the rages and how she hoped that I was the one. So I knew what happened to me was exactly what happened to her first and second ... .I was the third and I now know her fourth is being subjected to exactly the same ... .Exactly the same.

This was a luxury being told by my ex's closest the real truth not the omissions or half truths or lies. Her own mother, her best friend telling me she didn't want to marry me just see if I cared enough to ask. That is pretty sick !  All of this whilst she was actively lining up the replacement.

My next question is what do you hope to achieve confronting her family ? Do you think they are stupid ? Do you think its escaped them the behaviour of their daughter or mother for the kids ? What do you hope to achieve other than looking stupid ? If I were to try and defend myself to my ex's 15 year old daughter what would be the point ? She has been already brought up in a life of turmoil and whilst with me at least she was somewhat shielded but her first 12 years involved her mother and her father who had jumped off the cliff, been pushed by my ex BPD partner over the edge. I don't think I am any better than him because I think I might have lost it if what her mother told me or her best friend told me happened. Story after story ... .Her husband catching her in the shower in their home with another man. Wow ... .Story after story ... .

Go ahead and confront her family you will look like a prize turkey. They already know and their life journey will eventually make them see what BPD is.

As for exacting revenge, you sound just like me ... .Post RS I was over the edge of a cliff and no amount of abuse during the relationship could have taken me there but here I was over the edge hurtling towards the ground ... .Driven by my ex. My choice was to step back ... .

The choice is yours ! Your already over the edge :}

Take care

PS Not taking action besides leaving me intact has allowed the new relationship my ex has to bloom, go thru at least 5 recycles so far and my ex is currently cheating with no fewer than 2 replacements. I come from a small town so news travels fast. Karma, revenge works out. Feeding an emotional vampire who feeds off both negative and positive emotions is all that would have happened for zero outcome her side and I would have hit the ground hard having already been over the edge of the cliff.

Peace is what I have now  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  
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atwitsend
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« Reply #40 on: May 21, 2012, 05:05:16 PM »

Excerpt
My next question is what do you hope to achieve confronting her family ? Do you think they are stupid ? Do you think its escaped them the behaviour of their daughter or mother for the kids ? What do you hope to achieve other than looking stupid ? If I were to try and defend myself to my ex's 15 year old daughter what would be the point ? She has been already brought up in a life of turmoil and whilst with me at least she was somewhat shielded but her first 12 years involved her mother and her father who had jumped off the cliff, been pushed by my ex BPD partner over the edge

Wow! Talk about parallel lives! Thanks for your post 'truly'... .(think the family and kids really know? It's an agonizing question for me.)
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« Reply #41 on: May 21, 2012, 05:49:44 PM »

Hi Nosurrender,

Excerpt
... .(think the family and kids really know? It's an agonizing question for me.)

Well if your ex has parents they have seen it all their lives, and whilst many may stick with the dogma and support their child I am sure they have seen it all their childs lives. In some cases as they say the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Either way speaking to them as opposed to them speaking to you is a loose loose situation. Very much like tha pathological double blinds we had during the BPD RS ... .heads they win tails you loose. Having looked at this confronting the parents does little. Either the BPD fell from the tree there and they themselves are also sick ... .or the opposite butter wouldn't melt in their childs mouth so your wasting your breath. I was lucky and I suspect unusual that the mother approached and consoled me.

Kids, well same thing. Either they can see something wrong with their mother but the love of a child to its mother is something even I would not interfere with. My ex had 3 kids. One was estranged from her the eldest and she used him as a bashing board emotionally whilst he was a child. Her next eldest might understand as we had discussions whilst she was able to recognise the rage in her mothers eyes and it had to be avoided ... .she loves her mother and its not my place to tell her I suspect her mother has BPD. She would side with he rmother simple as that. Youngest whom I suspect has her own issues ... .again a waste of time.

With the kids very much same conclusion as the parents. Its not my place to tell them I am very sure their mother or daughter has BPD. Either in the case of the parents they know  their is a problem ... .or they sadly were the cause ... .or less likely they come and see you. The kids ... .having had a BPD mother myself if someone came and tried telling me there was something wrong with Mum I might have not reacted well.

Whilst I loved the kids and feel for them, it hurts more knowing they are there still ... .even telling them out of kindness not anger ... .is not an option. If I was apporached by one of them for help even now again I would have to think long and hard ... .and likely I would send them to my T for a professional to help them .


So for me ... .not even a question about telling parnets or kids ... .as for the BPD sufferer themselves ? Its was always your fault during the RS ... .you had the problem not them ... .confronting someone with the emotions of a 2 year old ... .makes sense to me ... .NOT.

Each to their own  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #42 on: May 21, 2012, 05:54:13 PM »

Kminery, I can relate to what you're saying. I think most people here have been through Hell and back and can understand the need for revenge.

I agree with you that she deserves it.

If I could light my ex on fire and get away with it, I might have at one point.

But these monsters are a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm going to let him go on as an empty creature, destroying every relationship in his life, being constantly miserable and eventually fathering offspring that will grow to despise him long before he dies alone and miserable.

I worry for those that come after me.

I'd love to hear that you got your closure. Let us know how it goes.

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« Reply #43 on: May 21, 2012, 05:58:58 PM »

Those boards have been helping me make some sense of life after my horrible breakup with my exuBPDgf.

You have saved me in everything from NC to stopping the tears. 4 months after the break up, while she's moved in with my replacement, she keeps sending me texts once every two weeks, telling me she wants to see me when we're in the same country this summer, etc.

Lately, after looking at all the damage done on my health, pride, wealth, and dignity, I decided that the only way for me to move on, is not to find someone else, not to focus on myself, BUT to annihilate her with the most crushing revenge. I want to meet her this summer, and I want to tell her that I am gonna make her taste every single pain she's inflicted on me for the last 2 years. I am not gonna let her get away from this. I'm gonna anonymously post her naked pictures, I'm gonna message her parents about some damaging stories she's hid from them, I'm gonna tell my replacement demeaning stories she told me about him, etc.

That's it. I'm gonna do it. I decided to f' her up. No mercy. No remorse. I don't care. I know my circle of friends that I care about and care about me would understand this move; they all saw me spiraling down into depression and they hate everything about her already. I don't care about what her friends (the tiny number of them) or her family will think. I'm gonna crush her and this will bring me the ultimate satisfaction. I will not regret it. I can't regret it anything more than every second I spent on this witch.

I will not let her get away with it. An eye for an eye...

i understand your pain.  completely.  been there.  the only problem i see though, is that such actions will make you no better than her.  don't you think if she is successful in making you be like her, then you are the one ultimately losing in the long run?
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« Reply #44 on: May 21, 2012, 06:01:10 PM »

/wow you got tons of feedback, I am sure you are hitting a nerve with all of us... .for myself I never had any real anger phase, so to see you put it out there so graphically is pretty amazing to me... .

the damage that is done to our ability to trust and move on is its own healing journey, and I think revenge would only hurt me more, but I get your intensity and your grief... .good luck with your decision. Sea
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« Reply #45 on: May 22, 2012, 02:26:59 AM »

Well I don't know what the original posters beliefs or values are, but they certainly don't line up with mine. The way I look at it, revenge is a double edged sword. Sure, you get the adrenaline rush of bringing justice to the wrong doer, but at what cost? Making a stand for yourself is one thing, I know I sure as helll did it in the end. I let my uBPDX know that I refused to be treated the way she was treating me, and that I was moving on with my life. But revenge? No thanks, revenge will ultimately give her the last laugh. Desiring revenge is one thing, a very natural part of a nons grieving process, but carrying through with it shows a lack of conttrol over ones self and the surrendering of control to the very person you're ttrying to one up.

How about writing a letter? Within the letter, fully accept and name what parts of the relationships downfiall YOU were responsible for and apologize for what YOU want to apologize for. In the other half, remind her that no relationship ending is entirely one persons fault andd then proceed to list the times you felt disrespected, mistreated or abused and telll her you will not tolerate that in your life anymore. Which scenario sounds more like true revenge?
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« Reply #46 on: May 22, 2012, 08:16:24 PM »

The worst part of BPD relationships IMO is the non stop drama... .you have the power to just cut it off and go NC.  Doing all of the things you stated will just create drama.  From what I understand of BPD, it sucks to be in a relationship with them, but it could be worse... .you could be them.  Move on, I wouldn't touch the revenge outside of just talking about it.  Like someone once told me as a new parent, sometimes you want to throw your kids out the window, don't actually do it though. 

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« Reply #47 on: May 22, 2012, 09:33:34 PM »

Very interesting to "do the numbers" here, i.e. to correlate the various posters' responses according to:

1) their stated position on whether Kminery should seek revenge

vs.

2) the number of posts they have made to these boards.

For example -- and I am choosing people at random:

Pro-Revenge:

Kminery (50 posts)

Nemo (48 posts)

NoSurrender (10 posts)

Anti-Revenge:

MindfulJavaJoe (2402 posts)

Ellil (1138 posts)

WalrusGumboot (2599 posts)

(And yes -- I am assuming that those with only a few posts have suffered the loss of a BPD relationship only recently.  I may be wrong; they may just be long-time lurkers.  Still... .)

I draw attention to this not to question or undermine anyone's opinion (pro or con), but just to observe that all people suffering losses of any sort have an emotional "journey" to go through, and I know revenge is part of the Anger stage.  

Personally, I pass no judgment:  I know Kminery will do what he wants, but at the very least I think he should let his revenge plan simmer for a bit.  Just to give him a chance to "sleep on it".
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« Reply #48 on: May 22, 2012, 10:31:08 PM »

Kminery, when I broke up with my dBPDexbf (possibly uAsPD?) I was 16. That had been a year and a half from hell. I wish I had access to some of the tools on here, or any info on BPD at all. But, I digress.

At any rate, I had many of the same fantasies you are describing here.

How are you at writing fiction?

I wrote 4 short stories, all about things I wished I could do, and knew I couldn't, because it would break my own values. They were fairly good stories (very detailed)- one of them won an award (that was before speaking about violence was illegal in high schools).

After several months of him stalking me, I did end up dating his best friend to get the point across to him, and it worked. I hear they are friends again, but I still feel guilty over having to cross that line (15 years later). It doesn't help to hurt someone on purpose. the only person that will be hurt by this in the long run is yourself.
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« Reply #49 on: May 22, 2012, 10:42:50 PM »

well, throw me in the "dont do it" category.

youve gotten more than enough feedback here. i would just add that that desire for revenge, when NOT acted upon, over time melts into a fairly profound feeling of peace. really. you will regret it, you will be ashamed over it, it will not be easy to get over. she will not "learn", so therefore, youre not really even getting even. its not just a cliche to suggest you be the bigger man. you will feel like it in the long run.
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« Reply #50 on: May 22, 2012, 11:02:34 PM »

I remain in the don't do it category.

 

The expression about "anger/unforgiveness/revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" comes to mind.  Negative emotions and actions are toxic to ones soul. 

I had a lot of anger after the split with my BPD/NPDexbf.  He treated me horribly and was hateful post breakup.  His behavior toward me was astonishingly uncalled for, and incredibly hurtful and abusive.  

It took *time* to work through the hurt, heartache, and allow all the raw wounds he left to heal.  It took *time* to release the anger and come to a place of growing indifference.  

Acting out only *drags us to their level*.  The classic adage "two wrongs don't make a right" holds true.  

If you truly wish to "settle" the score... .heal.  Move on.  Live and enjoy life.  Put them far in the rearview mirror.  

They are their own revenge, and the demons they unleash on others do eventually circle back to feast on them.  Having seen it with my ex husband the other day, when it does happen, believe me there is no victory in it.  But it is theirs to own.  

Wishing you peace, and perspective.  
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« Reply #51 on: May 23, 2012, 12:08:50 AM »

You would  be giving her exactly what she wants, your attention, don't do it... .in her mind she always wins anyway, as stated here earlier in all likelihood she doesn't think or feel the same as you do so it wont matter... .do as you please... .no contact and forgiveness are your greatest revenge... .

Building the deck of your dreams, remodeling the bathroom, sending your son to gifted and talented trips, and buying a 2012 Harley Davidson off the showroom floor doesn't hurt either... .jus sayin... .
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« Reply #52 on: May 23, 2012, 08:01:00 AM »

They are their own revenge, and the demons they unleash on others do eventually circle back to feast on them.  Having seen it with my ex husband the other day, when it does happen, believe me there is no victory in it.  But it is theirs to own.  

Mystic, this line really hit home for me.  I think we've all had revenge fantasies but after reading what you wrote... .I'm able to finally let go of any thoughts of retribution.  The self-fulfilling prophecy they set into motion really does include their own eventual demise.  They are their own worst enemy.  Thank you for helping me to realize this.

tailspin
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« Reply #53 on: May 23, 2012, 09:51:37 AM »

Kminery:

Every single poster before me has said something valuable and relevant to your situation.  I know how you feel man as it is a natural reaction to what was done to you.

The only thing I can say from my experience is that the first step to healing yourself is forgiveness and acceptance.

It is truly a tremendous burden that you are shouldering, but you cannot let a mentally ill person control you like that. 

Your best "revenge" is to recover yourself and leave her and all of her hosts both present and future to suffer their own versions of what you have experienced.

One day, you will be thankful to her for the things she has shown you about yourself.  I know it does not seem like that would be possible, but it does happen.  You will be stronger and better for the next woman in your life.

HNM
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Nemo
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« Reply #54 on: May 23, 2012, 10:08:34 AM »

Now, I might be an idiot (more or less)

However, imho just because you suffer from BPD and high functioning in other aspects of life.

Does that make you unaccountable? Or not having to face/bear consequences of your actions?

I disagree with that premise.

I've a condition so therefore I can do whatever suits me. Irrespective of how it affects other people.

Pretzel logic
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« Reply #55 on: May 23, 2012, 10:15:56 AM »

I think we have personal beliefs regarding revenge and if it is ever justified, and if revenge is ever justified when against someone with a mental illness. This borders more on a philosophical topic than a BPD one, and perhaps would be pretty neat as a separate thread.

Another topic of interest is whether or not people with mental illness are to be held accountable for their offenses... .I think even the justice systems in the western cultures (and I'm not ignoring other cultures; I'm just not aware of their traditions so I don't know their beliefs on that one) are not sealed in cement in the way they treat the mentally ill and accountability. I also believe we do have an article here that is on this very topic.

It seems a bit as if we're not responding any longer to Kminery, but rounding the corner to topics that really do have enough merit to "justify" their own thread.

M
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« Reply #56 on: May 23, 2012, 12:26:55 PM »

Hey "How"... .

Don't read too much into the numbers--at least for my part. Sadly, my lack of post numbers belie my years on these boards (forgetting passwords are a problem for me). Been posting on and off here for going on 8 years. That's not meant as a boast--trust me.
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« Reply #57 on: May 23, 2012, 02:21:40 PM »

I understand exactly how you're feeling because I was also considering revenge after the utter hell she put me through in 2010, but I knew that I was about to play a very hazardous game, and the only loser in this game would be me.

These people are not to be messed with, and what you do to her will be water off a ducks back (no matter how much damage you think it will cause), and she will retaliate with those most vengeful actions you can think of.

You post those naked pics of her, or tell her parents the things she said, she will shapeshift into the tearful victim and make you out to be the monster (remember how masterful she was at doing that?).

Don't open that Pandora's Box, otherwise you will seriously live to regret it... .likely regretting it from a jail cell for a crime you didn't commit.

Let it go and be thankful she has moved onto another victim. It really is the lesser of two evils under the circumstances.


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« Reply #58 on: May 23, 2012, 02:26:59 PM »

As I stated before, I'm not a zen person. I've done revenge (ashamed to admit it). This has nothing to do with karma or empowering yourself.

The reason I said to not do it is because I have done it, I have lost, I have been eviscerated and had my sorry a$$ handed back to me along with threats of police action.  I may or may not be the toughest chihuahua, but I am no match for a hungry pit bull with rabies and a mental illness and a history of abuse, who is trained only to fight for his very survival.

(No offense to pit-bull owners. Sorry. But you know what I mean.)
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goinbonkers
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living Apart
Posts: 858


« Reply #59 on: May 23, 2012, 04:58:54 PM »

I understand exactly how you're feeling because I was also considering revenge after the utter hell she put me through in 2010, but I knew that I was about to play a very hazardous game, and the only loser in this game would be me.

These people are not to be messed with, and what you do to her will be water off a ducks back (no matter how much damage you think it will cause), and she will retaliate with those most vengeful actions you can think of.

You post those naked pics of her, or tell her parents the things she said, she will shapeshift into the tearful victim and make you out to be the monster (remember how masterful she was at doing that?).

Don't open that Pandora's Box, otherwise you will seriously live to regret it... .likely regretting it from a jail cell for a crime you didn't commit.

Let it go and be thankful she has moved onto another victim. It really is the lesser of two evils under the circumstances.

shapeshift?   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  good one.
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