I decided: I will crush her

[Kminery]

Those boards have been helping me make some sense of life after my horrible breakup with my exuBPDgf.

You have saved me in everything from NC to stopping the tears. 4 months after the break up, while she's moved in with my replacement, she keeps sending me texts once every two weeks, telling me she wants to see me when we're in the same country this summer, etc.

Lately, after looking at all the damage done on my health, pride, wealth, and dignity, I decided that the only way for me to move on, is not to find someone else, not to focus on myself, BUT to annihilate her with the most crushing revenge. I want to meet her this summer, and I want to tell her that I am gonna make her taste every single pain she's inflicted on me for the last 2 years. I am not gonna let her get away from this. I'm gonna anonymously post her naked pictures, I'm gonna message her parents about some damaging stories she's hid from them, I'm gonna tell my replacement demeaning stories she told me about him, etc.

That's it. I'm gonna do it. I decided to f' her up. No mercy. No remorse. I don't care. I know my circle of friends that I care about and care about me would understand this move; they all saw me spiraling down into depression and they hate everything about her already. I don't care about what her friends (the tiny number of them) or her family will think. I'm gonna crush her and this will bring me the ultimate satisfaction. I will not regret it. I can't regret it anything more than every second I spent on this witch.

I will not let her get away with it. An eye for an eye...

[james79]

which will make you worse than her. And make you feel even worse. I understand your pain. But be the better person.

[BentNotBroken]

Not worth the effort. It would be like beating up on a mentally handicapped adult. You will end up looking like a monster, feeling like a monster, and you probably will end up with legal consequences.

I understand your pain. I have been through it. The only recourse that is worth the effort is one that is legal, ethical, and doesn't require me to stoop to her level. She cost me everything, but if I do what I wanted to do, I will lose my soul in the process. She is not worth it.

I was a good, decent man before I met her, while I was with her for over 15 years, and I still am one today. If I get down in the gutter with her, our son will have no one sane to be there for him and show him how other people should be treated. My ex only knows how to use other people to get what she wants. Just like a greedy little child.

[nonbpd]

This will not change what she did to you! When you will do it you will have a rush of adrenaline, and feel happy. Long term it will generate more drama and raise questions in your head about who you are. You will be ashamed of yourself after some time. Do yourself a favor and delete her from your life. Live as she doesn't exist and make sure you will never hear from her or of her again and vice-versa.

I know the pain very well! It is hell on earth. But apart from getting away from the drama, sorrownding yourself with positive loving people, concentrating on reconstructing your life... .nothing works!

Take care

[the_way_back]

In her mind all it will do is justify everything she says about you. Rise above. Nothing you do will achieve what you think it will achieve. Your best bet is just shaking the dust from your shoes and moving on. She WILL destroy her own life. And she won't be able to blame you for it.

I felt exactly like you. But ive seen enough to know that my ex can't outrun herself. She can't divorce herself. She is always right where she is.

Deep breaths. What you're talking about will pull so much drama and anxiety in to your life, and you will feel worse for it in the long run.

[Nemo]

Symphatize with you.  

They shouldn't be able to ruin our lives with no consequences.

It is not about revenge, it is just letting them know their behaviour is unacceptable.

You cannot treat people like garbage.

Funny how they make their Family have the impression we are the villains.

Go for it imho.

[bonnie]

sorry wrong i know but i did have a smile on my face reading your post.but seriously i feel like that some days but all it does is give them the upper hand and every strip of black paint she has painted u with will just get blacker and thicker and heavier.the minute we fall crazy the minute they "prove"we are the crazy ones and another day we have just given them the right to do this to us.im so with u on this but trust me it will  just make u look like the fool in the end cause they have spent a lifetime doing what they do and they are the best in the game.we win in the end by living a normal life...

[james79]

sorry wrong i know but i did have a smile on my face reading your post.but seriously i feel like that some days but all it does is give them the upper hand and every strip of black paint she has painted u with will just get blacker and thicker and heavier.the minute we fall crazy the minute they "prove"we are the crazy ones and another day we have just given them the right to do this to us.im so with u on this but trust me it will  just make u look like the fool in the end cause they have spent a lifetime doing what they do and they are the best in the game.we win in the end by living a normal life...

exactly.

[bpdlover]

And because they don't operate in reality, they can then go about trying to ruin you in the most irrational crazy way, and they might get the mud to stick. You can't annihilate what doesn't exist. She has a disorder. The best thing that has ever happened to your future, is that she is in your past now. Do not forget this.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

I decided that the only way for me to move on, is not to find someone else, not to focus on myself, BUT to annihilate her with the most crushing revenge. I want to meet her this summer, and I want to tell her that I am gonna make her taste every single pain she's inflicted on me for the last 2 years. I am not gonna let her get away from this. I'm gonna anonymously post her naked pictures, I'm gonna message her parents about some damaging stories she's hid from them, I'm gonna tell my replacement demeaning stories she told me about him, etc.

I can understand how you feel.

When we are grieving your loss it almost inevitable that we go through the anger phase.

Fantasizing about doing these things may help you process your feelings but there are healthier ways to express your anger. Shouting, punching a pillow or punch bag, exercise allare great and safe outlets for anger there are more. Talking to a therapist and if necessary sharing here as you have done  .

When this is over you will want to be able to look in the mirror and know that you at all times acted with dignity and integrity.

I swore that I would never stoop down to her level.

Recognise your anger. Vent it a healthy way and realise it is a normal phase but it is a phase you have to go through as you detach from her.

I wish you well.

MJJ

[redfeather]

Kminery,

Dont do that. Can you leave her alone in your thoughts as well as in any form of contact? Dont meet up with her this summer at all... .really bad idea. Can you get to a place that you forgive her?

I completely understand 100% wanting revenge. I have felt over the last 3 months a incredibly strong urge to lash out at mine and "get her back". Destroy her game completely... .and I could.  

But to win this battle really win it... .we have to go 100 No Contact... just for us. The silence they cannot stand and it hurts them immensely.

The old adage the best revenge is a life well lived is so true! See she cant do that on a continuing healthy basis... .but you can.

Vent this out here. we are here for you but please do not hurt her or yourself. it is so not worth it... .Hi!

[ellil]

Hi Kminery, I'm thinking just making that post may have made you feel a bit better? 

Also, just because you post pics anonymously, doesn't mean you're not traceable by your ip address. Don't forget certain things are actionable in civil court, and Lord knows we don't want to find ourselves in that position with an ex BPD! 

I remember how HOSTILE and pissed I was at points in my anger... .my favorite fantasy was a bus running over him and my replacement. It passed after a few months though.

Hope you feel better soon!

M

[WalrusGumboot]

1) It will not make you feel better over the long term. You stoop to their level.

2) They will learn nothing.

3) Your health, pride, wealth, and dignity can be restored. You going to sacrifice integrity for the very short-lived satisfaction of revenge?

You are better than that.

[Mystic]

Little story here.

I was with my ex husband for 15 years.  In that time he did just about every bad thing a man could do to a woman to me.  He cheated.  Drank.  Beat me.  There was emotional abuse. Neglect.  Financial irresponsibility.  Neglected our kids. 

I gave him nothing but good.  I did everything I could, was faithful, loving and loyal in the face of all that.  I abided by my conscience and my vows. 

Eventually he left.  Whatever demons drove him, drove him out.  We were at the tipping point... .sometimes I think he left because he knew he'd kill me if he didn't. 

He remarried, had another child. He and his (nasty)  new wife were ugly to me and our kids, fought child support, neglected and eventually abandoned our son. 

We are divorced 13 years.  The boys are now grown, good men, with good lives of their own.  We haven't seen/heard from him in about two years. 

Yesterday he called our son... .saying he has been having bad dreams, was worried about us.   ?   Son said he thought he was crying. Then he called me.  Talked, rambled for quite a while... .said at least a few times that he would "turn the clock back if he could, but he knows he can't".  Sounded to me like he was crying too.  It was all very strange. 

Then he called eldest (my child from a previous r/s) who let him have it with both barrels.  Not everyone is a bleeding heart codependent.  I guess at that point ex was crying. 

So there you have it.  Even years later, the demons come home to roost.  You can't give out ugliness and cruelty and not have it all return to you in spades at some point.   

I did nothing.  I didn't "get even" or "take revenge".  I let go and went on with my life.  Period. 

Sometimes it's just best to put things in God's hands... .and let it all go. 

My ex is dealing with his past and his guilt, without my help. 

Quite honestly I got no satisfaction out of it, just felt rather sad and sick about it all. 

Sometimes the hardest bed to lie in is the one we make for ourselves.  Keep your hands clean... .eventually the demons catch up with those who unleash them. 

I've always believed it, now I know it to be true. 

[redberry]

I agree with mystic.  I want to do some of the same things you mentioned and get revenge, and not to sound all zen or anything but the universe will take care of it.  They spiral down in misery.  It is inevitable.  I want to keep my hands clean and not get caught up in the spiral.  People say the best revenge is living well.  It took a while to get there, but I agree with that.  Live well, my friend.

[atwitsend]

K---

I fear you'll not get much support for your plan on these boards since anger, revenge and such are generally frowned upon, but I think you should go for it in spades! Though I don't know about your specific pain, I do know about mine. And had I been able to return the hurt and misery, I would have. Even my T recommended using my anger to get beyond the hurt. Guess what? It works.

Karma and comeuppance are cool and come eventually in cases of borderlines. Personally, I hate 'eventuallys.' Give 'Em hell!

[schwing]

An eye for an eye... .fight fire with fire.  But what happens to you if you fight crazy with crazy?

[ellil]

Hi Kminery, you've gotten pretty much consistency through the thread here. The reason is because after all people have been through with their pwBPD, certain things work for the benefit of the members (the non) and certain things do not work.

For instance, revenge seldom produces the desired outcome. Sure, it makes you feel good, really, really good at the time, then you go right back to where you were. Only now, you may have done something that causes you further problems.

For instance, heck, I've been reading posts where pwBPD are keeping property of individuals. Heck man! Go over and kick the door in, and go TAKE what is your property, right?

Wrong--more than likely you'll get thrown in jail overnight and end up in court in a few weeks/months. Your ex would've gotten the best of the situation. Posting private pics is one of those situations.

So what do you do? You handle it through proper channels--go through the system to get your property back.

It's the same with you. The work we need to do on our insides isn't about one-time revenge. It's about drilling down to our core to find out why we were in these positions. We played a part in our downfall.

Just keep posting here. Anger is okay, and it's a necessary step in healing. Just don't let it do something to you that's  going to make the situation worse.

 

M

[atwitsend]

The work we need to do on our insides isn't about one-time revenge. It's about drilling down to our core to find out why we were in these positions. We played a part in our downfall.

With all due respect elli--there are times and occasions and relationships when we (as nons) DON'T play a part in our downfalls save the fact that we are decent human beings just trying to be decent to someone who is incapable of being decent back.

Why in God's name must everything here be about "drilling down to our core" and fixing things within us when there may not necessarily be a damn thing wrong with us--save the fact that we fell in love with a crazy person.

NO ONE is recommending kicking any doors in or breaking the law (it took me two years and two law suits to get my things back)... .NO ONE is recommending bringing on a harassment case (sorry, but if you expect privacy after putting yourself out there on Facebook or Twitter, you get what you deserve), but perhaps every so often the support that should be given here ought to be something beside the typical "look-inside-yourself/fix yourself" pablum that permeates these threads.

Sometimes it's NOT our fault... .sometimes we DON'T need to fix ourselves.

[ellil]

When we stay in bad situations, at some point the blame is not solely on the other party. I think there are rare situations where someone may not have any means of getting out, I mean none--no family, no job, kids, and they have to really look for ways out.

The other situations?

Why did we stay. I see issues with me in falling in love with a crazy person.

Kminery, I am wondering how you feel right now with your anger? It's been a little bit since your original post. Are you feeling any better?

M

[BlushAndBashful]

Kminery-

I'm going to agree with everyone here. And hey, trust me. I'm not a "be a bigger person" or "work on yourself" kind of gal. I'm talking about real world experience.

Only bad things will happen. I promise. You will have a whole script in your mind of how it's going to play out- and it won't. Almost every single "brilliant monologue" I have planned out has gone horribly wrong. I have been threatened with restraining orders on more than one occasion for absolutely ridiculous stuff. I have been backstabbed and painted black.

Take what little sanity you have left. You won't get anything from meeting with her- no closure, no one-upmanship, no revenge. Nothing.

[lastwave]

 Hi!NoSurrender

Why in God's name must everything here be about "drilling down to our core" and fixing things within us when there may not necessarily be a damn thing wrong with us--save the fact that we fell in love with a crazy person.

In carefully examining my dating/relationship history since High School (I'm in my 60's now) there has been a consistent string of woman who would not or could not meet my needs, be true honest partners (all of BPD/NPD behaviors you read about on these boards!)... .BUT those women are not the pattern I AM. I was the one--for some "core" reasons gravitated and attached to emotionally unavailable and ill women.

The answer to why we need to drill down to our core is for us to see our role, correct whats broken in us, and learn how to choose healthier partners. Revenge or getting even will not in the long run resolve the "why" we are attached to those who will harm us.

I understand how you feel--I've been there--but getting even didn't solve anything. Take care of YOURSELF !

[Nemo]

Kminery-

I'm going to agree with everyone here. And hey, trust me. I'm not a "be a bigger person" or "work on yourself" kind of gal. I'm talking about real world experience.

Only bad things will happen. I promise. You will have a whole script in your mind of how it's going to play out- and it won't. Almost every single "brilliant monologue" I have planned out has gone horribly wrong. I have been threatened with restraining orders on more than one occasion for absolutely ridiculous stuff. I have been backstabbed and painted black.

Take what little sanity you have left. You won't get anything from meeting with her- no closure, no one-upmanship, no revenge. Nothing.

Disagree  

I went for lunch with my exBPDgf after 6 weeks and I was very civilized.

Then I decided to "retaliate" and hurt her emotionally like no one has done b4.

Said some really bad things that she'll have to cope with and come to terms with for the rest of her life.

She'll never forget that, trust me.

Quid pro quo

[redberry]

Nemo, how did it turn out?  How did it make you feel?

[Nemo]

Nemo, how did it turn out?  How did it make you feel?

After 3 1/2 years of rage and abuse against me. I just had enough, after she cheated on me and kicked me out of the flat. She took me financially for a ride as well. She planned it all along.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Hate the slapper.

Helped me move on.

Luckily we didn't have kids.

[atwitsend]

The answer to why we need to drill down to our core is for us to see our role, correct whats broken in us, and learn how to choose healthier partners.

And, what I'm saying, is that you need to allow for the fact that sometimes, there's nothing to correct--at all. Have been in several very sane relationships and am still in contact with those women. We broke up cause we grew apart. It was all civil, it was all mature. Then there was Ms. Hyde... .

[Rise]

I can't say I know what your goals for healing are, but I know a huge goal of mine is not allowing my ex to control my life, my well-being, and my emotions. I want to take back my life. I want to be the one in my life with the power. By pursuing a course of revenge, you're letting her control your actions. You're letting her actions, the things she's done to you, be your motivation. You're still letting her be the driving force in your life. Don't let her be that important. She's not.

Nosurrender is right, your anger can be a useful tool in moving on. But only if you use it to move forward. Seeking out revenge isn't moving forward. It's brooding. It's focusing your thoughts and your emotions on your ex. It's staying trapped in the same emotional cycle of hurt. Let's say you do make her life miserable. And let's say her being miserable finally makes you happy. You haven't severed your connection to her. You're still emotionally tied into her. You really want your emotional state directly connected to hers? You want what's going on in her life to be the emotional barometer for yours? You're still giving her the power to determine whether or not you're going to be happy. That's not moving forward. That's not getting over her. That's not healing.

I truly do hope you can find a place where you can begin to heal yourself.

[GreenMango]

Ah that old friend anger and retribution... .its a lot easier to be pissed than hurt.  I'm guessing at one time or another most of have entertained some sort of revenge fantasy.  

Heres the kicker when dealing with a person with severe deficits in empathy, it may be a mistake to think they feel the same way you do.  So much so its number two of the 10 beliefs.

Thinking that they feel this revenge may not even be possible, it may be like everything else you tried to communicate.  Not heard, acknowledged, or felt.

Is seeking revenge help to detach or do you end up more emotionally invested dancing with a disordered person at the cost of your character?

GM

[2010]

I decided that the only way for me to move on, is not to find someone else, not to focus on myself, BUT to annihilate her with the most crushing revenge. I want to meet her this summer, and I want to tell her that I am gonna make her taste every single pain she's inflicted on me for the last 2 years. I am not gonna let her get away from this. I'm gonna anonymously post her naked pictures, I'm gonna message her parents about some damaging stories she's hid from them, I'm gonna tell my replacement demeaning stories she told me about him, etc.

That's it. I'm gonna do it. I decided to f' her up. No mercy. No remorse. I don't care. I'm gonna crush her and this will bring me the ultimate satisfaction. I will not regret it. I can't regret it anything more than every second I spent on this witch.

I will not let her get away with it. An eye for an eye...

The clinical term for this is "narcissistic injury." It is an unhealthy behavioral ego defense as it desires to destroy an "object" that has not reflected back the false self properly.

Your continued involvement with a conceptualized object is (and was) your own doing. Throwing mud on the former mirror may be your way of soiling her in the eyes of other people, but the truth is it will only make you look like a vengeful narcissist. People are not objects- and they have the right to stop mirroring. In order to be at peace with this, you have to let go.

According to Kohut and self psychology:

For Kohut, narcissistic rage is related to narcissists' need for total control of their environment, including "the need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever means". It is an attempt by the narcissist to turn from a passive sense of victimization to an active role in giving pain to others, while at the same time attempting to rebuild their own (actually false) sense of self-worth. It may also involve self-protection and preservation, with rage serving to restore a sense of safety and power by destroying that which had threatened the narcissist.

Alternatively, according to Kohut, rages can be seen as a result of the shame at being faced with failure. Narcissistic rage is the uncontrollable and unexpected anger that results from a narcissistic injury - a threat to a narcissist's self-esteem or worth. Rage comes in many forms, but all pertain to the same important thing, revenge. Narcissistic rages are based on fear and will endure even after the threat is gone.

To the narcissist, the rage is directed towards the person that they feel has slighted them; to other people, the rage is incoherent and unjust.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_rage_and_narcissistic_injury

I don't care about what her friends (the tiny number of them) or her family will think.

I think you do care. Otherwise you wouldn't expend the energy to publicly throw mud on her to make yourself feel temporarily better. It's the public reaction you seek to prove your omnipotence, not to give you freedom from distress. Retaliation will only fail and cause you more distress and that's not the way out of your pain.

Your best bet is to understand your pain and come to terms with it privately and responsibly. You can't give pain to others while lessening your own. 

[Rise]

Said some really bad things that she'll have to cope with and come to terms with for the rest of her life.

She'll never forget that, trust me.

Quid pro quo

She may never forget it, but I'm sure how she remembers it isn't how you think. I highly doubt she'll be coping or coming to terms with anything the rest of her life. Do you really think if she were capable of that, she'd act the way she does?

[tailspin]

The unfortunate truth is vengence only ties you to her and prolongs your healing process.  The path to freedom does not go through your ex but in your ability to let go of her.

[lastwave]

The unfortunate truth is vengence only ties you to her and prolongs your healing process.  The path to freedom does not go through your ex but in your ability to let go of her.

[Nemo]

Said some really bad things that she'll have to cope with and come to terms with for the rest of her life.

She'll never forget that, trust me.

Quid pro quo

She may never forget it, but I'm sure how she remembers it isn't how you think. I highly doubt she'll be coping or coming to terms with anything the rest of her life. Do you really think if she were capable of that, she'd act the way she does?

I just reaffirmed her worst fears, that she had stated to me in the past.

She had an ex-bf who refused to speak with her/have any contact.

Understand why now. I'm going down the same path.

How that pained her you'll never know.

She think's of exe's like trophies.

I refuse to be one of them  

[atwitsend]

The unfortunate truth is vengence only ties you to her and prolongs your healing process.  The path to freedom does not go through your ex but in your ability to let go of her.

I don't pretend to know Kminery---and it's probably for the best that no one here pretend that they really know him either. K might be perfectly capable of a heaping dose of revenge---on the way to letting go.

[kittybutler]

Im sure we all have felt like you at some stage, even some of still do. but how wouldyou feel when its all over, i have imagined doing all sorts when im angry, but i know the anger will go and then the guilt will come. how do you know you can cope with that guilt. I know they hurt us, but will going to the lowest depths make us feel better? im not sure. if it does and you have no guilt or remorse then im stood a corrected. let us know how it goes!

[Kminery]

Hi Ellil,

Yeah well, I am still on my plan. There is this slight hope inside me. Once I exact my revenge on her, I will kill that hope and will be able to move on. My anger's still there, and I'll unleash it soon.

[GreenMango]

Kminery

I think you just nailed whats really at the meat of this... .hope.   What are or were you hopeful for?

GM

[Kminery]

My hope was the hope that every non has post-breakup. The hope that all this is a bad dream and that there is no way on earth, after all the good treatment we gave them, that they won't come to their senses. It's like you answer all questions right on a test, and end up getting a B. You KNOW deep inside it's an A, you know you have chances of getting back.

Well that hope, I wanna kill it. And i'll kill it by killing all the chances through my revenge.

[GreenMango]

I knew that hope well.  I believe they call it malignant hope. 

It sounds like you are going through the grieving process.  The anger and bargaining with this hope thing could be part of that.

Barganing was the hardest for me... .it gives us a sense of control and fixableness in an uncontrollable situation.

You have a right to your feelings.  It's more what you do with them so you don't hurt yourself.

Have you checked out the grieving workshop?

GM

[truly amazed]

Hi Kminery

Revenge ? Crush ? Destroy ?

I like so many had ideas of this. How can someone in a small community sleep with over 100 men, cheat and destroy two husbands then do the same to me ?

Its called BPD.

How can they operate in a community with such a history and spin stories about me and vilify me in horrible ways ? Well they can spin the stories but eventually it comes back and hits them. It did with mine and it will with yours ! You don't do a thing don't stoop to their level just live your life and grow, without them.

I am at a point totally indifferent to my ex, totally indifferent to her new boy whom he was a friend of sorts they both cheated on me and then proceeded to tell the most horrible lies and mess with my life for many months post breakup. Funny thing is I had the tools to exact revenge on both of them and totally change their lives, both of them but resisted the urge to use the ammo. Why ? Why when they were attacking me, my friends, trying to ruin my new relationship ? Bottom line they were not worth it !

Like you I vented on this very board ! I did however not take action to help karma along.

Does it make me a better person ? Maybe. Does it matter ? Not really to anyone other than me. Me ME ME ... .Or in this case YOU YOU YOU is all that matters !

A few questions I will ask. Do you really think your ex will change with her new partner ? The delivery may change but the cruel and inhuman way you were treated will it change with the new partner ? She is sick, like a severely mentally retarded child and that's exactly what I view my ex as being, can she or will she change ? NO.

Taking or exacting revenge or karma on them may make you feel vented for a while but for me in the relationship their was a point. A cliff. I never raised my voice in response to abuse. Didn't demean or swear or was violent. She hit me, I restrained her. She spat on me I wiped it off. I didn't fight back and was the proverbial doormat thinking this would help. I was duped cheated upon as I found out post RS. But I didn't jump of that cliff and become her. I went close and to be honest post relationship I not only had jumped from the cliff I was halfway down but this was unbeknown to my ex. Some of us in BPD relationships have gone to the same level as the ex. It make me NO better I didn't and this was the objective of my ex I suspect to make me like her so she could wave it around and claim I did something wrong.

Do you want to be just like your ex ? That's a good question.

Tuff one but your about to attack a mentally stunted child with an emotional age of about 2 and hope for some way its going to make you feel good. Go ahead ! Seriously. You are there just where your ex wants you.

I asked before did you think it would change for the next victim ? Some have commented about how their family supports them. Of course they do they have little choice. I am sure they know there are issues but for me having a 21 year old being told I was a monster whom I cared for and the same to a 15 year old and I should be avoided because I was some monster. It hurts and hurts like hell but one cant go and speak to them, its their mother and they love her. Yes they know their are issues with two husbands and me and others she has treated the same way horribly. But telling a child what your perception of the truth is, and your PERCEPTION is probably close to the money will change not one thing.

On the past and real history of my ex I had some people come and be very kind to me post relationship. One was my ex's best friend on the planet, she told me what was going on. It hurt like hell at the time but eventually helped me see BPD for what it was. Amazingly her only parent her mother also came and spoke to me several times for hours telling me the real truth about her past about her own daughter, how she cheated on her first husband, her second, the rages and how she hoped that I was the one. So I knew what happened to me was exactly what happened to her first and second ... .I was the third and I now know her fourth is being subjected to exactly the same ... .Exactly the same.

This was a luxury being told by my ex's closest the real truth not the omissions or half truths or lies. Her own mother, her best friend telling me she didn't want to marry me just see if I cared enough to ask. That is pretty sick !  All of this whilst she was actively lining up the replacement.

My next question is what do you hope to achieve confronting her family ? Do you think they are stupid ? Do you think its escaped them the behaviour of their daughter or mother for the kids ? What do you hope to achieve other than looking stupid ? If I were to try and defend myself to my ex's 15 year old daughter what would be the point ? She has been already brought up in a life of turmoil and whilst with me at least she was somewhat shielded but her first 12 years involved her mother and her father who had jumped off the cliff, been pushed by my ex BPD partner over the edge. I don't think I am any better than him because I think I might have lost it if what her mother told me or her best friend told me happened. Story after story ... .Her husband catching her in the shower in their home with another man. Wow ... .Story after story ... .

Go ahead and confront her family you will look like a prize turkey. They already know and their life journey will eventually make them see what BPD is.

As for exacting revenge, you sound just like me ... .Post RS I was over the edge of a cliff and no amount of abuse during the relationship could have taken me there but here I was over the edge hurtling towards the ground ... .Driven by my ex. My choice was to step back ... .

The choice is yours ! Your already over the edge :}

Take care

PS Not taking action besides leaving me intact has allowed the new relationship my ex has to bloom, go thru at least 5 recycles so far and my ex is currently cheating with no fewer than 2 replacements. I come from a small town so news travels fast. Karma, revenge works out. Feeding an emotional vampire who feeds off both negative and positive emotions is all that would have happened for zero outcome her side and I would have hit the ground hard having already been over the edge of the cliff.

Peace is what I have now    

[atwitsend]

My next question is what do you hope to achieve confronting her family ? Do you think they are stupid ? Do you think its escaped them the behaviour of their daughter or mother for the kids ? What do you hope to achieve other than looking stupid ? If I were to try and defend myself to my ex's 15 year old daughter what would be the point ? She has been already brought up in a life of turmoil and whilst with me at least she was somewhat shielded but her first 12 years involved her mother and her father who had jumped off the cliff, been pushed by my ex BPD partner over the edge

Wow! Talk about parallel lives! Thanks for your post 'truly'... .(think the family and kids really know? It's an agonizing question for me.)

[truly amazed]

Hi Nosurrender,

... .(think the family and kids really know? It's an agonizing question for me.)

Well if your ex has parents they have seen it all their lives, and whilst many may stick with the dogma and support their child I am sure they have seen it all their childs lives. In some cases as they say the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Either way speaking to them as opposed to them speaking to you is a loose loose situation. Very much like tha pathological double blinds we had during the BPD RS ... .heads they win tails you loose. Having looked at this confronting the parents does little. Either the BPD fell from the tree there and they themselves are also sick ... .or the opposite butter wouldn't melt in their childs mouth so your wasting your breath. I was lucky and I suspect unusual that the mother approached and consoled me.

Kids, well same thing. Either they can see something wrong with their mother but the love of a child to its mother is something even I would not interfere with. My ex had 3 kids. One was estranged from her the eldest and she used him as a bashing board emotionally whilst he was a child. Her next eldest might understand as we had discussions whilst she was able to recognise the rage in her mothers eyes and it had to be avoided ... .she loves her mother and its not my place to tell her I suspect her mother has BPD. She would side with he rmother simple as that. Youngest whom I suspect has her own issues ... .again a waste of time.

With the kids very much same conclusion as the parents. Its not my place to tell them I am very sure their mother or daughter has BPD. Either in the case of the parents they know  their is a problem ... .or they sadly were the cause ... .or less likely they come and see you. The kids ... .having had a BPD mother myself if someone came and tried telling me there was something wrong with Mum I might have not reacted well.

Whilst I loved the kids and feel for them, it hurts more knowing they are there still ... .even telling them out of kindness not anger ... .is not an option. If I was apporached by one of them for help even now again I would have to think long and hard ... .and likely I would send them to my T for a professional to help them .


So for me ... .not even a question about telling parnets or kids ... .as for the BPD sufferer themselves ? Its was always your fault during the RS ... .you had the problem not them ... .confronting someone with the emotions of a 2 year old ... .makes sense to me ... .NOT.

Each to their own 

[LoveNYC]

Kminery, I can relate to what you're saying. I think most people here have been through Hell and back and can understand the need for revenge.

I agree with you that she deserves it.

If I could light my ex on fire and get away with it, I might have at one point.

But these monsters are a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm going to let him go on as an empty creature, destroying every relationship in his life, being constantly miserable and eventually fathering offspring that will grow to despise him long before he dies alone and miserable.

I worry for those that come after me.

I'd love to hear that you got your closure. Let us know how it goes.

[goinbonkers]

Those boards have been helping me make some sense of life after my horrible breakup with my exuBPDgf.

You have saved me in everything from NC to stopping the tears. 4 months after the break up, while she's moved in with my replacement, she keeps sending me texts once every two weeks, telling me she wants to see me when we're in the same country this summer, etc.

Lately, after looking at all the damage done on my health, pride, wealth, and dignity, I decided that the only way for me to move on, is not to find someone else, not to focus on myself, BUT to annihilate her with the most crushing revenge. I want to meet her this summer, and I want to tell her that I am gonna make her taste every single pain she's inflicted on me for the last 2 years. I am not gonna let her get away from this. I'm gonna anonymously post her naked pictures, I'm gonna message her parents about some damaging stories she's hid from them, I'm gonna tell my replacement demeaning stories she told me about him, etc.

That's it. I'm gonna do it. I decided to f' her up. No mercy. No remorse. I don't care. I know my circle of friends that I care about and care about me would understand this move; they all saw me spiraling down into depression and they hate everything about her already. I don't care about what her friends (the tiny number of them) or her family will think. I'm gonna crush her and this will bring me the ultimate satisfaction. I will not regret it. I can't regret it anything more than every second I spent on this witch.

I will not let her get away with it. An eye for an eye...

i understand your pain.  completely.  been there.  the only problem i see though, is that such actions will make you no better than her.  don't you think if she is successful in making you be like her, then you are the one ultimately losing in the long run?

[sea5045]

/wow you got tons of feedback, I am sure you are hitting a nerve with all of us... .for myself I never had any real anger phase, so to see you put it out there so graphically is pretty amazing to me... .

the damage that is done to our ability to trust and move on is its own healing journey, and I think revenge would only hurt me more, but I get your intensity and your grief... .good luck with your decision. Sea

[ViciousCycle]

Well I don't know what the original posters beliefs or values are, but they certainly don't line up with mine. The way I look at it, revenge is a double edged sword. Sure, you get the adrenaline rush of bringing justice to the wrong doer, but at what cost? Making a stand for yourself is one thing, I know I sure as helll did it in the end. I let my uBPDX know that I refused to be treated the way she was treating me, and that I was moving on with my life. But revenge? No thanks, revenge will ultimately give her the last laugh. Desiring revenge is one thing, a very natural part of a nons grieving process, but carrying through with it shows a lack of conttrol over ones self and the surrendering of control to the very person you're ttrying to one up.

How about writing a letter? Within the letter, fully accept and name what parts of the relationships downfiall YOU were responsible for and apologize for what YOU want to apologize for. In the other half, remind her that no relationship ending is entirely one persons fault andd then proceed to list the times you felt disrespected, mistreated or abused and telll her you will not tolerate that in your life anymore. Which scenario sounds more like true revenge?

[xeon]

The worst part of BPD relationships IMO is the non stop drama... .you have the power to just cut it off and go NC.  Doing all of the things you stated will just create drama.  From what I understand of BPD, it sucks to be in a relationship with them, but it could be worse... .you could be them.  Move on, I wouldn't touch the revenge outside of just talking about it.  Like someone once told me as a new parent, sometimes you want to throw your kids out the window, don't actually do it though. 

[HowPredictable]

Very interesting to "do the numbers" here, i.e. to correlate the various posters' responses according to:

1) their stated position on whether Kminery should seek revenge

vs.

2) the number of posts they have made to these boards.

For example -- and I am choosing people at random:

Pro-Revenge:

Kminery (50 posts)

Nemo (48 posts)

NoSurrender (10 posts)

Anti-Revenge:

MindfulJavaJoe (2402 posts)

Ellil (1138 posts)

WalrusGumboot (2599 posts)

(And yes -- I am assuming that those with only a few posts have suffered the loss of a BPD relationship only recently.  I may be wrong; they may just be long-time lurkers.  Still... .)

I draw attention to this not to question or undermine anyone's opinion (pro or con), but just to observe that all people suffering losses of any sort have an emotional "journey" to go through, and I know revenge is part of the Anger stage.  

Personally, I pass no judgment:  I know Kminery will do what he wants, but at the very least I think he should let his revenge plan simmer for a bit.  Just to give him a chance to "sleep on it".

[momtario]

Kminery, when I broke up with my dBPDexbf (possibly uAsPD?) I was 16. That had been a year and a half from hell. I wish I had access to some of the tools on here, or any info on BPD at all. But, I digress.

At any rate, I had many of the same fantasies you are describing here.

How are you at writing fiction?

I wrote 4 short stories, all about things I wished I could do, and knew I couldn't, because it would break my own values. They were fairly good stories (very detailed)- one of them won an award (that was before speaking about violence was illegal in high schools).

After several months of him stalking me, I did end up dating his best friend to get the point across to him, and it worked. I hear they are friends again, but I still feel guilty over having to cross that line (15 years later). It doesn't help to hurt someone on purpose. the only person that will be hurt by this in the long run is yourself.

[once removed]

well, throw me in the "dont do it" category.

youve gotten more than enough feedback here. i would just add that that desire for revenge, when NOT acted upon, over time melts into a fairly profound feeling of peace. really. you will regret it, you will be ashamed over it, it will not be easy to get over. she will not "learn", so therefore, youre not really even getting even. its not just a cliche to suggest you be the bigger man. you will feel like it in the long run.

[Mystic]

I remain in the don't do it category.

 

The expression about "anger/unforgiveness/revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" comes to mind.  Negative emotions and actions are toxic to ones soul. 

I had a lot of anger after the split with my BPD/NPDexbf.  He treated me horribly and was hateful post breakup.  His behavior toward me was astonishingly uncalled for, and incredibly hurtful and abusive.  

It took *time* to work through the hurt, heartache, and allow all the raw wounds he left to heal.  It took *time* to release the anger and come to a place of growing indifference.  

Acting out only *drags us to their level*.  The classic adage "two wrongs don't make a right" holds true.  

If you truly wish to "settle" the score... .heal.  Move on.  Live and enjoy life.  Put them far in the rearview mirror.  

They are their own revenge, and the demons they unleash on others do eventually circle back to feast on them.  Having seen it with my ex husband the other day, when it does happen, believe me there is no victory in it.  But it is theirs to own.  

Wishing you peace, and perspective.  

[ivebeenhereb4]

You would  be giving her exactly what she wants, your attention, don't do it... .in her mind she always wins anyway, as stated here earlier in all likelihood she doesn't think or feel the same as you do so it wont matter... .do as you please... .no contact and forgiveness are your greatest revenge... .

Building the deck of your dreams, remodeling the bathroom, sending your son to gifted and talented trips, and buying a 2012 Harley Davidson off the showroom floor doesn't hurt either... .jus sayin... .

[tailspin]

They are their own revenge, and the demons they unleash on others do eventually circle back to feast on them.  Having seen it with my ex husband the other day, when it does happen, believe me there is no victory in it.  But it is theirs to own.  

Mystic, this line really hit home for me.  I think we've all had revenge fantasies but after reading what you wrote... .I'm able to finally let go of any thoughts of retribution.  The self-fulfilling prophecy they set into motion really does include their own eventual demise.  They are their own worst enemy.  Thank you for helping me to realize this.

tailspin

[HostNoMore]

Kminery:

Every single poster before me has said something valuable and relevant to your situation.  I know how you feel man as it is a natural reaction to what was done to you.

The only thing I can say from my experience is that the first step to healing yourself is forgiveness and acceptance.

It is truly a tremendous burden that you are shouldering, but you cannot let a mentally ill person control you like that. 

Your best "revenge" is to recover yourself and leave her and all of her hosts both present and future to suffer their own versions of what you have experienced.

One day, you will be thankful to her for the things she has shown you about yourself.  I know it does not seem like that would be possible, but it does happen.  You will be stronger and better for the next woman in your life.

HNM

[Nemo]

Now, I might be an idiot (more or less)

However, imho just because you suffer from BPD and high functioning in other aspects of life.

Does that make you unaccountable? Or not having to face/bear consequences of your actions?

I disagree with that premise.

I've a condition so therefore I can do whatever suits me. Irrespective of how it affects other people.

Pretzel logic

[ellil]

I think we have personal beliefs regarding revenge and if it is ever justified, and if revenge is ever justified when against someone with a mental illness. This borders more on a philosophical topic than a BPD one, and perhaps would be pretty neat as a separate thread.

Another topic of interest is whether or not people with mental illness are to be held accountable for their offenses... .I think even the justice systems in the western cultures (and I'm not ignoring other cultures; I'm just not aware of their traditions so I don't know their beliefs on that one) are not sealed in cement in the way they treat the mentally ill and accountability. I also believe we do have an article here that is on this very topic.

It seems a bit as if we're not responding any longer to Kminery, but rounding the corner to topics that really do have enough merit to "justify" their own thread.

M

[atwitsend]

Hey "How"... .

Don't read too much into the numbers--at least for my part. Sadly, my lack of post numbers belie my years on these boards (forgetting passwords are a problem for me). Been posting on and off here for going on 8 years. That's not meant as a boast--trust me.

[push pull]

I understand exactly how you're feeling because I was also considering revenge after the utter hell she put me through in 2010, but I knew that I was about to play a very hazardous game, and the only loser in this game would be me.

These people are not to be messed with, and what you do to her will be water off a ducks back (no matter how much damage you think it will cause), and she will retaliate with those most vengeful actions you can think of.

You post those naked pics of her, or tell her parents the things she said, she will shapeshift into the tearful victim and make you out to be the monster (remember how masterful she was at doing that?).

Don't open that Pandora's Box, otherwise you will seriously live to regret it... .likely regretting it from a jail cell for a crime you didn't commit.

Let it go and be thankful she has moved onto another victim. It really is the lesser of two evils under the circumstances.

[BlushAndBashful]

As I stated before, I'm not a zen person. I've done revenge (ashamed to admit it). This has nothing to do with karma or empowering yourself.

The reason I said to not do it is because I have done it, I have lost, I have been eviscerated and had my sorry a$$ handed back to me along with threats of police action.  I may or may not be the toughest chihuahua, but I am no match for a hungry pit bull with rabies and a mental illness and a history of abuse, who is trained only to fight for his very survival.

(No offense to pit-bull owners. Sorry. But you know what I mean.)

[goinbonkers]

I understand exactly how you're feeling because I was also considering revenge after the utter hell she put me through in 2010, but I knew that I was about to play a very hazardous game, and the only loser in this game would be me.

These people are not to be messed with, and what you do to her will be water off a ducks back (no matter how much damage you think it will cause), and she will retaliate with those most vengeful actions you can think of.

You post those naked pics of her, or tell her parents the things she said, she will shapeshift into the tearful victim and make you out to be the monster (remember how masterful she was at doing that?).

Don't open that Pandora's Box, otherwise you will seriously live to regret it... .likely regretting it from a jail cell for a crime you didn't commit.

Let it go and be thankful she has moved onto another victim. It really is the lesser of two evils under the circumstances.

shapeshift?     good one.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I'm a big fan of NC. Revenge is not worth the time energy or anything else that will surface. I truely believe that we are part of the problem if we are in ese kinds of relationships.mit does not mean that we deserve to be treated the way they treated us, but we got something from it. Now that we have had all their negative behaviors I think looking at is as a gift  to change and have healthy relationships and making a positive out of a bad experience.

My vote is to chose personal growth, peace and happiness and let her fate be her fate without any contribution from you. I say this to myself as much as I am saying this to you.

[Mystic]

 I may or may not be the toughest chihuahua, but I am no match for a hungry pit bull with rabies and a mental illness and a history of abuse, who is trained only to fight for his very survival.

I think we were involved with the same guy... .

[pallavirajsinghani]

Revenge fantasies are great. 

Have them.

Enjoy them.

Gradually begin weaving your own betterment in them.  For instance, when you see the lottery billboard advertising $100,000,000.  Start fantasizing how nice if you won it and lived a grand life of which your SO won't be a part of.

Then start weaving a fantasy of becoming this male model with airbrushed 300 packs on his abdomen of which she can only drool over.

Fantasize about travelling the world in your own personal yacht... .imagine in detail the shape, the shiny teak floor, the name, the color... .

As you continue with this process, you will notice, she will figure less and less in your revenge fantasy and more and more it will become a pleasant fantasy about yourself, just because our minds do get tired of anger... .

Revenge fantasies are  very therapeutic.  I think that they are an integral process of healing.

I have had plenty of those myself... .and it feels great!

Of course, no actual action taken... .because we are limited in our actions (they should be legal, ethical, should not give our conscience uncomfortable twinges for the rest of our lives etc.).

The mind of course should be as free as our actions should be disciplined.

Go ahead... .enjoy a great fantasy!

:-)

[faithfull]

Kminery,

I am in a same boat. I do have pics, and replacement contact, dad's address. But every time i recall how filthy/miserable she is, and how great is the pain deep inside her, it makes me just smile and move on/overcome the anger.

They really can't experience happiness no matter how much they drink, or how intense is a makeup s**. Lack of identity, and constant fear of being abandoned make their life like hell on a earth. You don't need to take revenge, or punish them. Universe is doing it for you.

The greatest punishment for them is to stay NC. That will build up your self esteem, and will bring back your dignity. Never forget that BPD is a serious mental disease , Just stay away from it as much as possible.

[tcevans78]

Worse yet... .you will meet up, your plan will be foiled when she manipulates you until you're eating out of her hand, then screws you again.  I'm sure it won't happen THIS time though, right?  NC is for our benefit.  

I use to fantasize similar things and it felt good to get it out of my system.  It felt better when I later moved passed the anger.  Though it still feels like sht.

Sorry you have to put up with such crap.  You don't deserve it.  Never did.

[MirrorProof]

this sounds like a terrrible idea, let go... .

put all that energy into yourself and repair, you need it

[1brokenwing]

I get it! Fight fire with fire. An eye for a eye. Just one question? How do you hurl all this shiz at her without getting it on you? What about the spiritual residue?  NOT a rhetorical question! I have revenge fantasies all the time... .and just the FANTASIES leave me infected with vile!

If you can find a way to do it and not have it contaminate your soul... .frikkin do it!  I just don't think it is possible and then there's the whole karma business. 

" Kill the hope" ?  Indifference would be a less violent means to the same end.  I would NEVER give the BPD the pleasure of knowing I cared enough to be enraged. Indifference is icy cool, inattentive and feeds none of the BPDs appetites or needs. 

But like I said, I get it and let me know how I can do it without "getting my hands dirty".

[nonbpd]

"An eye for an eye makes the world blind"... .

[darkstar]

Worse yet... .you will meet up, your plan will be foiled when she manipulates you until you're eating out of her hand, then screws you again.  I'm sure it won't happen THIS time though, right?  NC is for our benefit.  

I use to fantasize similar things and it felt good to get it out of my system.  It felt better when I later moved passed the anger.  Though it still feels like sht.

Sorry you have to put up with such crap.  You don't deserve it.  Never did.

I can sign this, from my own experience its not working, this people are so emotional disturbed and you have so many own issues that they will win, whatever you do! You cant beat an natural survive instinct, its all what these mental sick persons learned in life.

[Want2know]

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