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Author Topic: How often were they 'there' for you when YOU needed them?  (Read 5600 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #60 on: January 07, 2013, 03:39:54 PM »

Put simply... .  other than for the divorce from my exwife (which she prompted/wanted) my exBPDgf was not 'there' for me, but OMG did she expect me to be there for her, her family, her friends, her kid... .  her interests... whatever it was, I was expected to move heaven and earth to keep her feelings happy/approving.
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blurry
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« Reply #61 on: January 07, 2013, 04:11:26 PM »

 Mine was ALWAYS there for me when it didnt directly involve the relationship itself, she'd do anything for me, which is part of the reason why im so in love. Now as far as the relationship itself, any time i politely voiced a concern asking about hot/cold spells (push/pull), idealization followed by devaluation, or on occasions i got mad because she stayed up late partying, it was never a response you would assume an adult who was deeply committed and in love would give you, i got completely berated either right away, or after not settling for an answer like "get over it" or "leave me alone".

Id say 7 occasions total, when i had seemingly simple concerns and i needed her in terms of the health of our relationship and commitment to each other, twice she woke up the next day with amnesia apparently, and 4 (two of the occasions kinda went together)times she told me she hated me, never loved me and dumped me. So id have to say zero times, to answer the OPs question.
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« Reply #62 on: January 07, 2013, 04:13:48 PM »

Mine was always there in idealization/honeymoon phase... but that was maybe 9 mos out of 4 yrs... after that, it was pretty much one way street.
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« Reply #63 on: January 07, 2013, 05:13:31 PM »

 You know what this got me thinking about too, while it was LDR, it was 50/50 in terms of effort like a normal relationship, but once i moved in with her, i sacrificed EVERYTHING to be with her, and she literally sacrificed NOTHING at all to have me there ( a clear thinking adult wouldnt ask you to move 100 miles one day because youre the love of her life and she cant live or breathe without you, and change her mind 3 days later because she hates everything about you, i know its a womans perogative and all but this is kinda extreme), she may of perceived some kind of loss of freedom ( she has control issues too, not sure if thats BPD related or not),  before betraying me repeatedly and sending me packing. The things we do for love... .  
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« Reply #64 on: January 09, 2013, 07:24:35 PM »

... .  I'm copy/pasting in HardTruth's comment to Diana82:

--------------------------------------

How often when you were together was your exgf really there when you needed her?

During the Vulnerable Seducer phase, too much.  After that, almost never. Or worse, she would show up in the most perfunctory way, as if honoring an obligation at the least possible inconvenience to herself.  That actually hurt more than if she didn't show up at all.

Excerpt
When you had a problem ... .  or were hurt in the relationship, how often did she turn it around and make it about her?

Almost always.  She could usually find some (often minor) misstep I'd made in the interaction. If I hadn't made any, she'd resort to the abuser's trusty standby, "You're too sensitive."  There were a few times when she seemed to have real remorse that she'd done harm.

Excerpt
[H]ow often was she able to step out of herself and really focus on you, how you were feeling, and what she could do to fix the problem and make you feel better?

Rarely.  Once in a while she seemed to sense or acknowledge the lack of reciprocity in our relationship and tried to remedy it.  Like she was acting out of a false self version of a good partner.  It never felt completely genuine.  By then, I felt so unsafe that I didn't trust it.  I believe her good intention was there; she just didn't have the wherewithal to sustain it.

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« Reply #65 on: January 10, 2013, 12:01:11 AM »

You know what this got me thinking about too, while it was LDR, it was 50/50 in terms of effort like a normal relationship, but once i moved in with her, i sacrificed EVERYTHING to be with her, and she literally sacrificed NOTHING at all to have me there ( a clear thinking adult wouldnt ask you to move 100 miles one day because your the love of her life and she cant live or breathe without you, and change her mind 3 days later because she hates everything about you, i know its a womans prerogative and all but this is kinda extreme), she may of perceived some kind of loss of freedom ( she has control issues too, not sure if thats BPD related or not),  before betraying me repeatedly and sending me packing. The things we do for love... .  

My breakup came after my exBPDgf insisted I move down to her area, that I sell my house, move away from my daughter (but the reason give was to move away from the ex-wife)... and that ... .  I move in with my mother. I moved out from my mother at 13 and haven't lived with her since, stayed at my dad's apartment (he lived with girlfriend, was alone till I was 17 and went to college.) Meanwhile my pwBPD wasn't going to have me live with her because it would set a bad example and she was being such a good Christian (that week anyway.) When I said I would move down and stay with my mom for a while, and see how it goes... she freaked and went NC... .  then I did same, she flipped and sent me 100's of txts, emails, contacted my family and we went our separate ways for a while. Till I saw her last night actually, and she had revised history quite a bit.

What I found interesting is the one-way street way the pwBPD seems to try to get us to do stuff. My pwBPD couldn't come to see me in my city, because it was the same one as my exwife and that was in her backyard and something might happen. (Asked what... no answer.) However when I offered to take her for a week to the Carribean, she was able to overcome that fear of coming to my city... .  but it came back when we were back from the trip. (Sometime I should write up that trip from hell... ) So my exBPDgf... wanted me to spend a lot of money to sell my house, pay for movers, take the emasculation of moving back in with my mommy at 50, live in my old room, be 4 hrs from my daughter about to become a teenager... .  and she finished her requests... .  by saying I needed to do it for me, she couldn't and shouldn't be the reason I moved down, with all our issues, there were no promises.  (For brass balls when it comes to requests... .  never seen her equal.) Wonder why it didn't happen? Sound like a reasonable equitable solution? When I said no and went NC... .  she claims her folks were looking in to getting her committed, as she was acting crazy, despondent, not eating... .  and blaming me of course.

I had told her I would move down and stay with my mom for a while and see how it went, I just needed to be able to see a lot of her (pwBPD)... and lets take it from there... .  sounded reasonable to me... .  but this one time I said I needed her to be with me ... .  was the time she was ready to be committed to an institution and refused any contact, had me blocked on everything.

Last night I saw her ... .  breaking NC, and we ended the evening with her irritated at me that I didn't want to provide emotional support to her, she had taken up with another guy... .  plastering wonderful stuff about him, pics of them a few miles from my house kissing, etc... (which is 4 hrs away from her home)... and she just broke up with him. He supposedly was draining her dry of money (call me skeptical)... .  was striking from his job and she was helping him... .  and he gave her an STD, and she was spending all her remaining money on treatment and was paying such an emotional price... if I cared why didn't I even ask her dammit? Didn't mention she wanted to see me while she was out shopping, buying dancing clothes to go out clubbing on the weekend to the two haunts she used to cruise for guys at... .  all in all, does this add up to me being insensitive/Narcissistic? Didn't to me. So, my evenings are free, she is on her own, she started blocking me on FB again... actually suspect she didn't break up with guy or is making up ... .  but who knows. She is same lying, manipulating, disordered gal I have a long attachment problem with, no doubt. Hope you all have less disordered SO's.
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BleedsOrange
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« Reply #66 on: January 10, 2013, 10:45:06 AM »

"You're too sensitive" 

REALLY? CAuse at the beginning I  "wasnt sensitive enough" When she was hurting from whatever the hell it was at the tim, I had to be there immediately and constantly. If I was hurt it didnt matter. YAY! Im out!

Thank you, my dearest, for finally showing me the compassion I so desperately wanted, and dumping me like a pile of bricks in a manner that ensured that I would never want you in any capacity ever again. Thank you for moving on and getting married so quickly, so that I would have no time to forget that contacting you would be a mistake. These are the kindest gifts you could have given me except for when I know you tried your damnedest to love me. I thank you for all of these: the most compassionate things you did.

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« Reply #67 on: January 10, 2013, 08:43:42 PM »

He was not there for me when I needed him. The more I needed him, even when I clearly and verbally asked for emotional support (no guessing games), the less he was there or me. He was not on my side. He did not have had my back.  There was no empathy and no sense of being a team or in it together from him. I often felt quite alone. I self soothed, and it is good to be able to do that, but part of being intimate partners is being there with each other through thick and thin. That was so lacking.
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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #68 on: January 11, 2013, 12:04:02 AM »

I had a serious face burn from super heated microwave water in a cup years ago (that explosive water is not an urban legend, I found out first hand.)  I was up early to get ready for our family vacation--trying to get my coffee mocha going.  I tried to wake my ex-husband up----he tried to ignore me.  I went back a third time and when he finally got up--he was ticked. Our vacation was ruined. I needed to go to the hospital, and was eventually airlifted to a major burn hospital. No scaring so I was very fortunate. What I'll never forget was my ex-husband's total lack of empathy or compassion that morning. I carried my purse into the ER--holding a wet towel over my raw face. No help. No "how are you doing?" No concern. No arm for support.  I truly believe his thoughts were on how to get the airline tickets reimbursed and his fear for himself, if he would lose me. We'd been married 23 years, and my needs had been ignored for years by both of us by that time. It turned out to be a very powerful lesson/awakening for me.  I don't believe my ex was being mean---he just didn't have the capacity to care for another person more than himself. It took a crisis to really highlight that. Really sad stuff. 
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« Reply #69 on: January 11, 2013, 01:20:48 AM »

Staff only

Hi folks this thread has reached it's four page maximum so we are locking this one up.  Thank you all for contributing and hope you are doing well.

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