I've had a lot of success implementing validation and SET

[ZigZiglar]

I've had a lot of success implementing validation and SET techniques via written media (mostly text messaging), but despite my every effort to keep it subtle and not too out of character, whenever I do so verbally, (especially if she's already in a defensive/offensive posture), I get told to stop trying to be Dr Phil (in less kind ways).

I am doing reasonably well and things have improved a lot - the last time my wife had a tantrum was two weeks ago now (which is a milestone in itself). However, I'd like to be better prepared for the next time. I have already told her that she is right that she has detected a change in character and that the changes represent an effort I'm making to be more understanding and supportive, but the Dr Phil line always seems comes back as though that conversation never took place. Any ideas?

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[briefcase]

It's good to hear you are seeing some progress!  Keep practicing.  Here are a couple of thoughts.  It can be hard to "hear" the tone of written communication, especially email and text.  So, the fact that she's responding well to your written communication suggests she may be reading a positive tone into what you are saying--which is very good news!

Mastering these skills in real time, face-to-face, is hard to do, especially if you have a history of communicating in a different way.  First, validation and even SET can come across as a little forced.  We are concentrating on the formula and our real life "tone" can become a little flat as we focus on the structure.  Some things are just plain hard to validate or say and we fumble a bit as we learn a new "language." This can sound "patronizing" of like ":)r. Phil" to our partners who are wondering wth we are doing.  

You can actually validate that, "Yeah, I'm working on communicating differently."

Finally, I always urge people to search their feelings and motives as they try these skills.  Often times, if we look, we can see some anger, frustration, or apathy behind some of our communication.  Even though we are "trying" by using the tools.  Our partners can pick out these latent feelings much faster than we can!  Not saying you are doing this, but its always good to examine our own end of these things.  

Practice makes perfect.  Two things will happen as you stick with this.  First, you'll get better at this and it will feel and sound more natural.  Second, your partner will get used to your new communication style and begin to accept it as more normal.  

These things take time!  Sounds like you are doing great!

[cartman1]

Dr Phil, that's not too bad, the First time I tried using S.E.T. I got told I sounded like Hannibal Lector.   

When we where talking and I could she her get annoyed or frustrated I started asking "How do you feel?" and I got looked at like I'd lost the plot. I kept at it though and I found within a month my wife just started telling me how she felt. Then I will say "right, how about we do it like this... .  " or something like that. I always put a 'we' in or a 'you' because I don't want to fix everything for her.

[ZigZiglar]

Thank you for your replies. I suppose it could be something in my tone or body language or perhaps the fact that I'm reserving validating techniques for times when things are already a bit edgy. I'll try and work on self-awareness and practice in less volatile circumstances.

I'm a very calm, pragmatic and logical person who is often accused of being emotionless, which is obviously untrue, but given my flat communication style, being emotive and validating will easily come across as phoney behavior, so it's going to be a challenge.

Cheers

[an0ught]

Writing is an excellent exercise to learn. It uses different brain muscles than reading. That is also one reason posting is so important and not just reading the boards.

PwBPD are often highly perceptive and sensitive. They tend to notice change in tone. Denial when it gets brought up would be invalidating. So having some short validating sentence like

You can actually validate that, "Yeah, I'm working on communicating differently."

can be wise. And then without diving deeper back to the topic at hand... .