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Author Topic: How did your exBPD deal with you telling them off/questioning them?  (Read 4358 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206

« Reply #60 on: January 10, 2013, 06:44:13 PM »

Charred ... your mention of "general in the marines"

By her demeanor alone my BPD ex would have made a great general... .  When she wasn't in her waif/hermit/witch archetype pattern. In her queen pattern she was impressive. In fact, when thinking about our future, which i thought would involve some humanitarian support to others, I was convinced that whiIe I would use my enginering skills, she - through the sheer strength of her words - would inspire people to pull themselves out of the rubble and stand up. She could rule a nation in this mode.

Her jealousy wasn't too apparent though in the rs. But after the breakup she accused me of having back-up lovers waiting in the wings. Pure projection.


I was also accused of that, and she is sure I am still in an r/s with my exwife, that we never stopped being in an r/s. I dumped her because of my stress level, and it would have been easier to stay NC if I were seeing someone else fun/sexy. But the craziness and stress had to stop.

I really meant she was like a general... .  she seems super strong... as you pointed out... .  when she is not being a seducer, wallflower, or one person Spanish Inquisition. Everything seems to run on hate... .  she seeps anger at times, have never seen anyone else with the ability to have such a high amount of it... .  and hope I never do.
Also "ZaraP"
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Posts: 607

« Reply #61 on: January 10, 2013, 08:13:45 PM »

OTH>  Yes, I don't think it was real love. I think she 'needed' me to fill her void... she idealised me. That's not love

I loved being idealised and I loved being the knight... it filled my need to be the rescuer too.
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Posts: 607

« Reply #62 on: January 10, 2013, 08:20:29 PM »

thank you all for your posts... .  I'll try to respond to you all individually...

Seb>  It totally sounds like we could have dated the same woman. Maybe we did?     Have you also heard BPD is common in the lesbian community?

My ex wasn't in touch with this 'ex fling-turned-friend' for long, though. In the first 3 months we were dating, she was. And then she was cut off and discarded the way I was after they had a fight.

My ex told me all about how they had a long distance thing... and that they'd go and see each other once or twice over the short period they were courting. But they never slept together...

This was also the 'emotionally abusive' woman from my ex's past by the way.   

Yet during the first 3 months I was dating my ex, this emotionally abusive "friend" was texting my ex daily.

My ex told me "I don't actually respond to her... .  she just complains about her life all the time... it's boring. I tend to ignore"

I should have seen that that in itself is a bad sign too... who does that?  Just ignores an alleged 'friend'... most likely my ex loved the attention!

And my ex had planned to go Thailand with her parents that year for New Years Eve. And she told me that this woman was going to be there at the same time and that they'd arranged to catch up for coffee (months before she met me). 

She said  "Now... I don't want you to think I'm going to meet an old flame and have an affair in Thailand! Please don't think this.  We had organised a long time ago that we'd catch up for a drink there... when I go with my parents to Thailand. I'm not really that keen to be honest... but will see her briefly"

Fast forward when she goes to Thailand... .  

I get an emotional call from her saying she just had a fight with this 'friend'. And the friend is "such a drama queen" and blaming her for not being a 'good friend'. She even sent me all their text arguments!

I remember thinking why is she including me in this? I don't want to know about their text argument!

I felt at the time, that my ex and I hadn't been together long enough for me to really put my foot down.

Anyway, my ex ends up ignoring this woman completely... .  (whom was trying to call to reconcile) and cutting this woman off completely...

I remember thinking it was a good thing at the time... I didn't want her to be in touch with an old flame... BUT... I thought it was very cruel how she cut her off too.

From the sound of it... the 'friend' wasn't entirely to blame for the fight. And my ex had been misleading to her by not telling her she was seeing a new woman!

Also "ZaraP"
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Posts: 607

« Reply #63 on: January 10, 2013, 08:32:53 PM »

Even after typing the above I feel like the biggest idiot.

My ex insisted they were friends and she said that this woman and her had only dated briefly and it didn't work so they stayed 'friends'.

Yet if this woman was a 'friend'... why did my ex choose to ignore her daily texts?

And if she was a 'friend', why didn't my ex tell this woman she had started dating me and for 3 months? 

My ex gave me the reason that "it would create too much drama she doesn't want to deal with" and this 'friend' lives "interstate anyway so it's not going to be an issue".

Sounds like my ex was keeping this 'friend' as back up you think? 

(even though she lived interstate... could be emotional back up?)
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151

« Reply #64 on: January 10, 2013, 08:53:08 PM »

I think she 'needed' me to fill her void...

Do you feel you may be using her to fill your own void? Your posts are pretty much all about HER and HER actions, and some of how You reacted to that. What's going on in YOU to need to be so focused on what's been going on with Her? This is a place of healing for Ourselves and facing Ourselves. Some of which includes looking at the past, for sure, and who did or did not do what when and where. Please use the time and energy you're expending (dwelling on Her Stuff) on looking at Yourself more, on Your Own Stuff. You two are broken up now, correct? Where do you go from here? How do YOU best heal?
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3959

« Reply #65 on: January 10, 2013, 08:55:01 PM »

   Have you also heard BPD is common in the lesbian community?

Diana where are you finding this? To my knowledge there is no data supporting this.

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
Also "ZaraP"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607

« Reply #66 on: January 10, 2013, 09:52:10 PM »

Hard truth> no problems! Thought it was worth putting up

Hmm it's disturbing how they appear stable, honest and moral to everyone else... but in intimate relationships they show their true colours... eventually any way.

My ex was always on this moral high ground claiming how she was honest and direct and "says it how it is". She had friends who got cheated on and was always saying how terrible people are and how awful her exes were. And how emotionally bullied she had been...

I now think my ex is the bully.

Silence and manipulation (even after break up) is still a form of abuse no?
Also "ZaraP"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607

« Reply #67 on: January 10, 2013, 10:00:41 PM »

Myself>  good question... .  

Well, I met my recent exBPD not long after I'd broken off with the other ex (pathological liar).

My 'void' was that I needed an honest person in my life... and this woman seemed to fill that at the time.

She was 'open' on the first date about a lot of stuff. A month into it, I heard about everything her exes did... she never 'hid' stuff or was embarrassed about how she was rejected.  Compared to the previous woman who hid everything and tried to make her past seem amazing and that she'd had loads of sexual partners etc.

I thought "finally! An honest woman who is ok with being honest and open... even about abuse! This woman has been so rejected in her life and doesn't hesitate telling me!"

she seemed to fill my need for an honest open woman.  She was exactly what I wanted- at the time.

And I also have strong rescuing tendencies. When I heard about her abuse stories... I wanted to be the best thing that happened to her.
Also "ZaraP"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607

« Reply #68 on: January 10, 2013, 10:06:29 PM »

Hi Suzn...

I have not read this anywhere per ce. I have heard about it through my community... .  

It seems a few other gay women I know have dated BPDs! it may just be a coincidence
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Posts: 607

« Reply #69 on: January 10, 2013, 10:16:01 PM »

Hi again Myself

At the moment I'm dealing with the below feelings... .  

1. How could my long term partner dump me over a fight about her being possibly deceptive/ too inconsistent?  Was she freaked out I 'found out' about her and she ran like a coyote?  What kind of person dumps someone over that unless they are in fact suspicious 

2. Why did she change her number after I tried to apologise and seek explanation?  This is such a drastic measure and so offensive. Did she really feel that harassed she had to resort to changing her number?

3. Why the complete silence... .  even when asking about my stuff to be returned?  why was it so hard for her to at least send me a one liner?

4. Why is she resorting to smearing me so much and how come other people believe it? her entire extended family and friends knew me... and all liked me... .  how could they believe that I am suddenly a crazy harasser?  do they not think there's always two sides to every story?  Do they not see a pattern with my ex that most women whom she dates or gets involved with get wiped off because they "harass" her?

5. What do I do, if I hear about more smearing? What if my ex goes as far as saying I too "almost raped" her  (as she said about her other ex). Would it take a cease and desist letter at this point?   I worry about my credibility in the small gay community here. Sometimes I feel like leaving town
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 257

« Reply #70 on: January 10, 2013, 10:38:08 PM »


You are undoubtedly in a lot of pain and struggling with the confusion a lot of us here have had to deal with. It appears as though you are in a rut, and can't help but have all these questions swirl around endlessly. It is shocking sometimes what they can do as far as smear campaigns. I haven't been through one of this magnitude thank GOD, but can completely empathize about how horrific it must be to live through.

As far as the smear campaigns, the best, the ONLY thing you can do is to let it roll off you as best as you can and to minimize statements if they are brought to your attention. Too much defensiveness, may backfire.  Just a chuckle and, "Well that is untrue but if it makes her feel better to say that I can't control that... .  ANYWAY [change subject]".  Even if you are furious or REELING from pain and frustration inside.

If your small community is indeed small, pretty soon she will be alienating much of the community simply based on her patterns.  She already has with friends.  I imagine the word would eventually get out about her character.

The other questions, the "Whys", the "how could she thinks this's", the "Trying to understand".

Diana, you've requested this forum's input on these questions multiple times.  Might I suggest you go back and review the responses and really let it sink in.  We are all only speculating, because we can not possibly rationalize an irrational person.  But we can and many have tried to bring this back to YOU.

Your answer to myself wasn't really answering his questions. Again your responses seemed to be about her and understanding her. Aint going to happen!  How do you let go... .  for your own mental health, you must try to turn the focus to things you can control.

You can control yourself.  You can understand yourself.

So back to myself's questions:

You two are broken up now, Correct? Where do you go from here? How do YOU best heal?

By heal, how do you heal yourself?  This isn't about manically thinking about every possible way you may have misstepped.  It is about giving yourself a break, accepting that you can not change reality, you can not change what is, you can not change the past.  How do you slow down and eventually stop the self torture involved in trying to get inside the brain of an unstable person that was toxic to you.

What about you?  

Hint: It involves less energy poured into her and the past and what happened or didn't happen, and more energy turned towards you, the happy, healthy, confident person that is waiting for your attention.  
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3901

« Reply #71 on: January 10, 2013, 10:52:40 PM »

Staff only

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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
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