Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 20, 2021, 02:02:39 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How did your exBPD deal with you telling them off/questioning them?  (Read 4362 times)
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« on: January 06, 2013, 05:25:08 AM »

Mine was hypersensitive to any criticism.

Hated being questioned over her actions or inconsistencies 

Did not respond well to being pulled up on poor behaviour ... Felt very threatened

Was very jealous but got annoyed if you were jealous ... ( probably because you'd be pointing out a flaw in her that again she was hypersensitive to)

I in fact got dumped for telling my ex she was too inconsistent/defensive!
Logged
waitaminute
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 340


« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2013, 07:24:46 AM »

I learned that her answers to my questions were meaningless. So I stopped asking. If I did venture a question, she became angry and accused me of wanting to control her.

There were sometimes other responses besides anger. She could distract with off-the-wall stories. And she could overdramatize the situation ... .  Saying things like she would "put salt on her heart and live like the dead" if I questioned her about her guy friends. It was like a child and was so obvious that she was hiding things.

Actually I was very tolerant of her behavior. I just wanted to share her life and not be lied to.  She judged herself more harshly than I did. But I do have some boundaries. I thought that if we could discuss things and keep them in the open that we could find some fair and happy medium ground. But there was no chance of that discussion happening.
Logged
Lady31
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 565


« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2013, 10:41:16 AM »

Mine would do anything to turn things back around on me.  There were many times where his stories didn't seem right - well, they weren't right.  He would use anger mostly to deflect and take control back and get the spotlight off of him so I wouldn't see any character flaw in him and he would not be exposed.

He would say:

"You are too controlling, you are ALWAYS investigating me."

"I'm done with you (or this)!  I am so SICK of living like this.  You have to investigate and control everything.  No one could live like this."

Or he would turn the heat up big time and start telling me that was it, he was done, he wanted a divorce.  Throw his ring across the room, start breaking things and screaming & cursing at the top of his lungs toward me. 

Logged
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2013, 10:44:38 AM »

ha ha... .  I think the word 'deal' is being too generous.

Mine would blame me. Always. Her yelling at me was always my fault, for not committing. When she yelled at me for petting the dog instead of her, it was because of my lack of commitment. When she yelled at me because I didn't like the movie 'The Artists' (I didn't hate it... .  just thought it overhyped... .  ), it was because of my lack of commitment.

I learned to not question anything. I learned not tell them off. If I ever made any criticism, it was World War III. That is actually one of my biggest regrets... .  not calling her out on her craziness... .  Well, actually, now that I think about it, I would... .  it would just turn into massive, massive fights that never got resolved. Somehow, it always got turned back onto my lack of commitment.
Logged
findingmyselfagain
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 940


« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2013, 12:30:33 PM »

Looking back now I  see the stages of the r/s... .  honeymoon, clinging, hating... .  During the honeymoon, for the first 8 months, before our wedding shower, I'd say that things SEEMED to get resolved. We would talk, make up, etc. But the arguments were still very confusing and about things that wouldn't seem to be a big deal to "normal" people. When she told me she was divorced TWICE in our first conversation I should have very quietly disappeared. She was  24 y/o at the time and not even a month out of her divorce when we started emailing. What was I thinking? But in the end NOTHING was resolved. She said she needed time to herself, then I was cut off emotionally. She went to a counselor one time and then decided to end the r/s 2 days later. It's typical of the waif borderline. We chatted on yahoo once and texted a few times after that. She became a totally different person than she was during the honeymoon. I planned a future and was a good mate. Nothing more could have been done. Luckily we didn't marry and have another child like she wanted so badly when we met.
Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2013, 12:44:48 PM »

Mine was hypersensitive to any criticism.

having a lacking sense of self which is part of the criteria would seem to make this logical.

many people non-BPD don't take criticism well. 

Hated being questioned over her actions or inconsistencies 

This was the single biggest frustration for me - and I certaintly didn't help with my ex's abandonment issues when I approached the subjects in question.  DEARMAN is an approach that works well with BPD when asking for a need to be met.

Did not respond well to being pulled up on poor behaviour ... Felt very threatened

seems like this might be a repeat of the past 2 questions - did you mean something different?

Was very jealous but got annoyed if you were jealous ... ( probably because you'd be pointing out a flaw in her that again she was hypersensitive to)

jealousy is common - core to the disorder is abandonment... .  can you see how jealousy is actually a logical maladaptive defense mechanism for someone who has a core fear of abandonment?

Fear of engulfment is the other end of the pendulum - thus their anger at you being jealous.  This relates to an unstable sense of self and the perception you are encroaching on their sense of self.

I in fact got dumped for telling my ex she was too inconsistent/defensive!

Yeah, I would dump someone too that told me that - wouldn't we all?

Diana, you have great questions here... .  let's take a look at you - why on earth didn't you dump her since she treated you so poorly?
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
whatarideout
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 342


« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2013, 02:56:12 PM »

I in fact got dumped for telling my ex she was too inconsistent/defensive!

actually, you were "dumped" because she split you black and awarded you the role of playing the bad parent.

once that voice of the "bad parent"(who criticizes) enters into her mind again, the feeling of her being a "bad" person begins to surface. this feeling creates a lot of shame and starts a defence plan against the split(you). the more you criticize, the more you confirm the role she gives you and brings out her persecution complex.

now she needs someone to blame. if she feels "bad", it must be someone else's fault. she then projects all of the blame on to you.

hence you are split and left behind in order for her to survive the disorder.
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2013, 05:19:44 PM »

Thanks for your comments seekingbalance... .  

So you would dump your partner if they told you, you were too inconsistent/defensive? How come?

I'm finding it even more suspicious for her to dump me for calling her out on being too defensive/inconsistent/deceptive


You asked... why didn't I dump her?

It's complex. I loved my ex... and a part of me still does. She had many great qualities and she did support me throughout my unemployment. She would do sweet things for me... she'd include me in all of her family things... she seemed to be really good listener too. 

But,  I have a tendency to have a delayed reaction to lying and a tendency to want to be the rescuer. So her sob stories always worked on me and drew me closer to her.

UNTIL... they started to change. That's when I caught on that something didn't add up. When she started to misinterpret my words and then cried hysterically over the idea of moving to Sydney for a while with me (so I could find more work)- I knew she lacked emotional maturity too.  Her separation anxiety (with her family) seemed to drive a wedge between us and I didn't know what to do... .  

I couldn't find work in my city at all... .  she didn't want to move anywhere else and it made her "anxious" and cry.

So there were things I was unhappy about, for sure. But wasn't sure if they were break up worthy.

think when she yelled at me "I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF YOU OK!" when I probed her about why she sent the photo...

something went off in my head... this huge red alert. And I went home crying... sick of her snappy rudeness. Sick of not understanding her abuse stories and thinking she may be unstable.

And I cracked it at her that night (as I mentioned)... and started telling her exactly how I perceived her.

Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2013, 05:21:57 PM »

I never thought she'd run away and never want to talk to me again after that.

I was expecting

1. An apology for her being too snappy at me (who talks to a partner like that?)

2. More of an explanation as to why she gets so defensive when asked about inconsistencies

3. Reassurance that she felt secure with me in the relationship (as she hadn't appeared to be and often told me she felt like a liability)

Instead I got

1. Her telling me the reason she is snappy is because she detects an "underlying suspicion in my questioning"

2. She disagreed completely that she is too defensive and said she is "not dogmatic in change" and does not "fit into a box of consistency". She also added "I am a deeply honest person and nobody has ever said this about me in my whole life! Not ever!"

3. I got 0 reassurance of her security. I got her sobbing her eyes out, projecting and throwing all kinds of things I had said ages ago in the relationship back to me and told I "need help" and that I "burnt her" and then dumped.
Logged
redfeather
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 403


« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2013, 10:02:22 PM »

Hi Diana 82,

I have read many of your posts and it does seem to me that you are asking the same questions in a different manner about mostly her dysfunctional behaviors. And that is necessary but perhaps what seeking balance is getting at is to turn that mirror you have pointed backwards at her dissecting all her troublesome behavior and turn it onto you?

You seek to know answers from a way dysfunctional woman who may suffer from a severe mental illness. Applying logic to illogical people and or mentaly ill people never ever works... Never.

The question seeking balance asked is pertinent to YOUR healing not hers. The question "Why did you allow some to treat you so poorly? when examined as deeply as you have tried to examine her behavior from afar will yield you the answer you desire.

Once that process of self discovery is started you will begin to understand WHY you picked this woman to love. You cant save her but you can save yourself.

Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2013, 10:33:25 PM »

Thanks red feather... you make some good points.

I've posted in the thread "Heightened sense of abuse- where does it stem from?"  as this is something I really want to understand.

And I'd like to hear other people's similar experiences with exes who misinterpreting their words, felt easily harassed and even turned us into stalkers

Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2013, 10:34:44 PM »

Thanks red feather... you make some good points.

I've posted in the thread "Heightened sense of abuse- where does it stem from?"  as this is something I really want to understand.

And I'd like to hear other people's similar experiences with exes who misinterpreting their words, felt easily harassed and even turned us into stalkers

Why do you want to hear from others?  What emotion do you feel that you need validated?
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
spaceace
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174



« Reply #12 on: January 07, 2013, 03:44:09 PM »

Criticizing was never acceptable to my wife. If I did that, that was/is reason enough to separate. I know that right now, I criticized how she went NC with me while we were waiting on information from the bank about info on a house we were going to buy. I was very upset that she kicked me out with no reason and that she should have never done this to me and my children, after our first separation, if she did not intend to work her rear end off on our marriage. She should have never gotten involved with me after leaving me the first time in Feb, 2011 if this was always a possibility.

I know that was not good to say. I know this kind of criticizing would cause me a major problem, but my truth needed to be said.

It WAS wrong to pull me back into our relationship, especially after I let my house go into foreclosure, helped pay for her to break her lease and rent a new house to be with her. I REALLY think that was WAY wrong to do.

I should have never believed her or trusted her. I made a grave mistake and I am paying dearly for it now.
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2013, 04:57:23 PM »

seeking balance>  I'm just trying to hear other people's experiences. Nobody else in my life (friends, family) can relate to this behaviour as they have never gone out with someone like this.

They all tell me "oh she was unstable, you're better off"  and "you dodged a bullet! it's good you found out now"  and then I get "She's not worth it. Look at her behaviour- it reflects badly on her and how immature and petty she is"

I'm getting weary hearing those things. And now I turn to this board to hear of other people's experiences to try to help me through this mess.

I know I will get through it soon... but hearing other people's view points and experiences is helping
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2013, 05:04:00 PM »

Spaceace- when you criticised your ex, what types of things were you critical about and how did you criticise her?

My ex lived with her best friend (this male gay guy) who was incredibly grotty. He would come home, cook steak or sausages every night and then leave all this leftover meat in a pan on the stove or on plates. He wouldn't put it in the bin or even cover the meat he left out. So overnight it would sit there and stink and attract ants.

I used to find it repulsive when I stayed over having to see it (especially as I was needing to get water in the night in the kitchen or make my ex a hot water bottle).  Once I saw all these ants everywhere and thought how can my partner live like this. How can she put up with it?  Am I this different to her?

And she knew I was also a clean freak and that that would be the worst thing for me to see. We were planning to live together and it did concern me she didn't care.

So I had to ask her after I saw all the ants "don't you mind that your flat mate leaves cooked meat out every night? Are you not worried you might get mice or cockroaches soon?"

And she immediately got defensive  "It's not something I would do. But I pick my battles! You've NEVER lived with anyone so you don't know what it's like!  you wouldn't know!"

It was so rude of her.  I then said "Well, I don't have to live with someone to have known that is a bit gross? he is your best friend- can't you talk to him?  You pay half rent after all"

"I pick my battles with him! OK!"

It was so defensive.  And this is how she responded to anything remotely critical
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #15 on: January 07, 2013, 07:09:47 PM »

Picking battles is actually a wise choice.  Some people are more able to accept things like a dirty house etc.  If she was fine with the living situation I can see how she might not care to cause a problem.

If a person BPD or not feels criticized unduly they will react.  Sometimes they respond in a productive way sometime not.  But if a person struggles with rejection, like with BPD, they can overreact.

Diana I think you might be a person who needs to have a thorough understanding of the disorder to get some peace for yourself.  Some people want a little information, some want more and take a little more time trying to figure things out.  I recommend highly taking some time to read the facts on the disorder from the bpdfamily.com learning center.  There are examples and explanations from first person experiences.

If you were to look at the steps on the leaving lessons where do you think you would be?  They are on the right margin.
Logged

Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #16 on: January 08, 2013, 10:22:02 PM »

My break up goes down as the most bizarre and confusing break ups I have had (a lot of my friends think it's whacko too)

So...

My exgf of 3 years and I had a fight that lasted for almost 24 hours. The fight was over the fact that I told her she is too inconsistent in her stories/actions and too defensive. I also implied she was deceptive because her stories (of abuse in particular) started to change and stuff didn't add up about her. I just didn't understand her anymore because of all these weird changes.

And when asked about changes, she'd get so snappy and bite my head off. She was unnecessarily rude. I was fed up so confronted her in an emotional fashion one evening. I was rather incoherent and it degenerated into a text argument.

She immediately got on the defensive and started firing back saying she "I am NOT endlessly defensive!"  and  "I'm a deeply honest person!"  and "nobody has ever said this about me in my whole life"   I was trying to say that she comes across as inconsistent and defensive to me- but she didn't appreciate any of it and got even more defensive.

Later that night, we chatted on the phone and she was sobbing her eyes out saying "Why do people always do THIS?"

And "I'm a lonely person- I was lonely before I met you".

It didn't make sense... .  

she was almost trying to play the poor victim again. She also told me she is conflicted now because she "loves me a lot"  but I "crossed the line".   

Next day- total change... she is angry and she projects onto me and tells me I need "help" and that I have baggage and am too suspicious. We agree to meet at her place to chat.

I go to her place, thinking we're going to chat about our fight and work things out. How mistaken I was.

She was in her bedroom... .  sitting on her bed cold and emotionless. She'd removed her ring and bracelet I gave her and all cards from the bedsit. All traces of me were gone from her room. She looked so pale and emotionless.

She told me "I have no more to give! I don't have the feeling! we are not WORKING!"

And then said "You have a mean streak" and that she reiterated she had no more to give and said "I'm not in love with you... "

I was astonished and started crying saying "HUH?  but you said only last night you love me a lot! we were talking of our future 2 days ago? How could that have changed overnight?"

she ignored me.

She then started telling me not to beg because I'm "better than that" and she said "I'll always be here for you... .  "  (prrrrft)

Yet moments later she started firing at me again saying "You BURNT ME. You are in the top list of people who have hurt me!"


I asked her tearily  "what can I do to get you to forgive me... .  to help the situation?"  (at this point I thought I was the bad guy)

she said "it's not about forgiveness... .  "

then she said  "maybe it's a personality fault of mine"  (not sure what that means)

then she said  "what you can do for me is leave me alone! I want to be with my family. I want to do my phD. Leave me ALONE!  Your texts are a form of harassment and I have to hide my phone in my bag every day because I don't know what's coming!  Leave me alone and don't text me!"

(yet she was equally participating in the text fight and I never harassed her daily with texts)

And she tried to lead me out the door.

And that was that.  A week after I was blocked on facebook and after trying to seek explanation from her, she changed her number. I have been erased.

It's like I cheated on her or something terrible. Anyone else experience a weird break up with conflicting messages?


Logged
cookiecrumbled
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: D for three years
Posts: 75



« Reply #17 on: January 08, 2013, 10:38:39 PM »

AbsoLUTELY.  You confronted her issue and she painted you black.  By holding a mirror up to her face, you got your Get Out Of Jail Free Card.  Yes, I know you did it bc she was hurting you.  Yes, I know you did it bc its unhealthy and you were concerned.  It matters not.

My undiagnosed BPD ex-boyfriend never even broke up with me.  We had two hours of sex while a thunderstorm raged outside (foreshadowing?), dressed, had a fun dinner at another couple's home, held hands after supper while sitting around talking... .  when I left, he kissed me and said, "I love you, honey.  See you tomorrow night."

For the next three weeks, he refused to answer my texts, emails and phone calls while I practically lost my mind.  He never has given me an explanation and I've only seen him a handful of times since (that was July 15th, 2012).  We had dated a year and a half, had introduced our children, met our families, etc.  My sons are still upset -

"But Mommy, he didn't even tell us goodbye."

Its awful and I am so sorry this is happening to you.  She knows she is no good for you.
Logged
Suzn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3959



« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2013, 10:44:58 PM »

Most members here have had a break up with conflicting messages. We can try to figure out irrational all day and forever more Diana. Ruminating about how irrational it was is normal to a certain degree. Have you considered a therapist for support with this? What are you doing for you?
Logged

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
chuckstrong
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 159


« Reply #19 on: January 08, 2013, 10:47:56 PM »

after 3 breakups and 7 months i still havent gotten an explaination... .  she says there are

"incompatibilities" she has identified... .  and my favorite... .  "you are so close to perfect but

not perfect enough for me"

really?

Chuck

PS Cookie you saved me tonite... .  no text!

thanks sent you a personal message before... .  
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #20 on: January 08, 2013, 11:09:12 PM »

Hi Suzn

To answer your question... yes I have seen a Therapist who thinks my ex is most likely a Borderline and is an 'unhappy person'. I am working on myself... ie my rescuing tendencies. I am also leading an active social life and putting a lot of effort into work.

But, I still feel isolated and nobody else in my life as experienced a break up like this. Nobody knows about BPD. I'm here to share and hear about other people's experiences with BPD break ups and to feel less isolated.
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #21 on: January 08, 2013, 11:14:56 PM »

I know it's futile to analyse their words... .  but what on earth could "I'm a lonely person-I was lonely before I met you" mean prior to dumping me?

Any ideas?

Do you think she was trying to insinuate that I am leaving her no choice but to dump me because I told her off? and she will be lonely again (she already feels lonely anyway).

Or was it said to again, claim victimhood?  My ex was always turning things back around to make herself the poor victim... .  crying easily... .  saying her "heart is pounding" and she is about to "burst into tears"  etc.

And what about saying the night before "I'm conflicted... .  because I love you a lot"  and a day before that she said her love "runs deep".

Yet a day later after this fight... she does a complete turn around and is no longer in love with me and "does not have the feeling"? 

My previous ex told me the cliche line  "I love you, but I'm not in love" and later confessed that she said this to only end the relationship and was emotional and angry at the time but she was still in fact in love with me. She said "love doesn't just disappear after a fight!"
Logged
BlushAndBashful
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 642



« Reply #22 on: January 08, 2013, 11:19:27 PM »

Ah yes, the "incompatabilities". I'm amazed how often that word was used- in between times when I was on a pedestal and I was perfect and he couldn't think of a single thing that he would change about me.

As far as the final breakup... .  oh dear, so many breakups to sort out in my mind... .  the final breakup was after a long romantic tropical getaway. He said he wanted to work on "us" and was totally committed to making it work. After flying home, he dropped me off at my apartment and I never saw him again.

Once at home, he had yet another epiphany that he has "issues" and "can only handle friendship"... .  which means in well over a year he has had zero contact with me, changed his number, and goes out of his way to avoid me. And dropped out of dbt, and dropped out of a different therapy program, and basically sits around getting drunk telling his friends what a shrew I am. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Logged
lessonslearned
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 442


« Reply #23 on: January 08, 2013, 11:27:39 PM »

The actions, all of them, are the truth.

Many of the questions in this thread can be translated to "I can't relate to this behavior, it doesn't make sense."

Nope, it doesn't. That's the only statement that DOES make sense. Yes, it follows a certain logic based on the experiences of the BPD, but the reason we're here is because the behavior doesn't make sense.

when you stop blaming yourself for it, and get some distance from it, you won't try to make sense of it any more. It will be left in the "BPD can't be explained rationally" file.
Logged
bpdspell
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married.
Posts: 892


« Reply #24 on: January 08, 2013, 11:44:58 PM »

I know it's futile to analyse their words... .  but what on earth could "I'm a lonely person-I was lonely before I met you" mean prior to dumping me?

Diana. I'm going to continue to push you. When will you accept that over analyzing every word that your ex has ever uttered will not bring her back to you? If she says that she was lonely before she met you then accept her words at face value. I know this may be difficult to read but you cannot decipher the mind of your ex. It is not within your power to fix her. You ex is mentally ill and her thinking is twisted. Therefore her words are twisted. People with BPD express and project a lot of hurt, shame, and blame. You are not the cause of her pain or her disorder. You are trying to avoid your hurt and pain by fixating on the replaying of events in your mind. You are only making this more painful for yourself.

Do you think she was trying to insinuate that I am leaving her no choice but to dump me because I told her off? and she will be lonely again (she already feels lonely anyway).

No one on here can tell you what your ex's words meant because no one was there in the room with her when she expressed them. At some point you will have to accept that your ex's actions are your truth. She didn't leave because you told her off. Stop blaming yourself for her actions.

Or was it said to again, claim victimhood?

Having BPD is not victimhood. BPD is a painfully serious mental illness and attachment disorder. You need to read the articles so you can begin to depersonalize the actions of your ex. You are making her behavior about you when it isn't.

And what about saying the night before "I'm conflicted... .  because I love you a lot"  and a day before that she said her love "runs deep".

Again Diana. You are clinging to the words that were said. If her reasoning were logical you wouldn't be on this board. Accept that her thinking is irrational due to BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Yet a day later after this fight... she does a complete turn around and is no longer in love with me and "does not have the feeling"?  

You aren't accepting of your current reality. Your ex has made her choice. You are not together. At this point you are giving yourself self-inflicted wounds. I would recommend reading the book: I hate you, don't leave me.

My previous ex told me the cliche line  "I love you, but I'm not in love" and later confessed that she said this to only end the relationship and was emotional and angry at the time but she was still in fact in love with me. She said "love doesn't just disappear after a fight!"

Comparing the BPD dance to other ex's are like comparing apples and oranges.

Diana. After the dust clouds of over analyzation settles underneath it all you want something from your ex that she is unable to give you: mature reciprocal love. There's no amount of picking apart her words that will give you what you ultimately want from her. I think constantly posting about her thoughts keeps the relationship going in your mind.

I don't believe that you're purposely ignoring all of the great advice that has been given to you on this forum. I understand the need to vent. However. I simply think you're too caught up in your ex's thought process to even consider your own feelings. Your feelings are all that matter now and your feelings are what those of us on here can validate.

Diana. I am pushing you out of love. Focus on the facts of your reality. Your ex is out of the picture of your life for now and it's time to focus on you. This is the leaving board and it would better serve you if you simply express your feelings of hurt, sadness and disappointment.

Spell

Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #25 on: January 08, 2013, 11:50:24 PM »

I'd just like to ask here...

Does anyone else find it really weird that a partner would dump you when you have a fight and tell them you think they are too inconsistent and defensive (and also imply they may be deceptive?)

It's not the greatest thing to tell your partner, I know. But there are worse things one could say/do.

If my partner said that to me... and I was innocent, I'd be concerned they think this about me.  But would want to understand why ... running away like a coyote is what my ex did.

And this leaves me even more suspicious
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #26 on: January 08, 2013, 11:53:00 PM »

Hello BPDspell...

I do not 100% know if my ex is BPD. I am simply assuming she is given the similarities in behaviour to other BPDs.

So I'm asking here if other people have experienced similar things said to them... and what they have thought of these things.

It's helping me to feel less isolated. I am moving forwards in my own way, but I need to hear other people's experiences and thoughts for my healing too.

Thank you.
Logged
HardTruth
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 184


« Reply #27 on: January 09, 2013, 12:01:51 AM »

Aaahhh... .  the "incompatibilities"... .  

After he broke up with me (out of the blue, just like many of you), he followed it up with an email saying that we weren't compatible for long term anyway.

I asked, Why?  "Because you have a cat and I have a dog"... .  Ok, you can't date anyone who has a cat? - his previous girlfriend actually had a cat that lived with them!  "No, that's not the only thing"

"Because I run warm and you run cold"... Don't most men run warm compared to women?  You're 6'3", medium-boned and athletic - have you found many women that run as warm as you do?  Even your male roommate is chilly in your house... .  "No!  Those aren't the only things!  It's everything put together!"

Ok... .  what else?  "Our politics are different"  Hmm... .  well I voted for Obama and you voted for Obama... .  "Well, I'm more knowledgable than you are about politics"... .  Ok, even tho I was a poli sci major in college in the honors program and you never went to college... .   "There's more!"

And the final kicker - "You don't snowboard or ski, so I'm not sure what we could do together in the winter"... .   Are you SERIOUS?  He was actually going to take me snowboarding and teach me.

So, yeah, a lot of ridiculousness!  I was scared when I got his email that there was something really wrong with me that I just never saw about myself.  After we talked, it was laughable!  Made me feel so much better!  I went from crying and sniffling to practically laughing on the phone... .  except that made him raise his voice and start barking at me... .  so I stopped
Logged
really
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 278


« Reply #28 on: January 09, 2013, 12:22:31 AM »

Diane,

I have ruminated about what my ex said / didn't say / did / didn't do for a long time.

From personal hard learned experience I agree with Spell that you are giving yourself self-inflicted wounds by continuing this analysis.   Why, because that is exactly what I have done.

You will find many stories of ex partners (diagnosed and not) dumping their partner (short term / long term / married / engaged / just dating) for reasons which to most of us seem completely nonsensical.   And I would include dumping someone because you said she was too inconsistent and defensive among them.

They often run when you get too close and the mask comes off... .  the behaviour that follows is beyond the normal comprehension of most of us.   That is why we are on this board.   It is not how we act... .  we of course all have our own flaws but as Spell says BPD is a mental illness.   

Whether your ex has BPD not is (in my humble view and as someone who has struggled with this more than anything in my life - and I have had some challenges) not important.   She is not capable of giving you what you want and as Spell says you need to make it about you now.   

Please don't make the mistake I did and make the healing more difficult and protracted.


Logged
bpdspell
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married.
Posts: 892


« Reply #29 on: January 09, 2013, 12:23:00 AM »

Hello BPDspell...

I do not 100% know if my ex is BPD. I am simply assuming she is given the similarities in behaviour to other BPDs.

So I'm asking here if other people have experienced similar things said to them... and what they have thought of these things.

It's helping me to feel less isolated. I am moving forwards in my own way, but I need to hear other people's experiences and thoughts for my healing too.

Thank you.

Hey Diana,

I really appreciate your response.

Many of us on here are not sure whether our ex's are BPD. Many BPD's are undiagnosed but fit the criteria for BPD to a T. My ex is undiagnosed but is certainly mentally ill mixed in with a little NPD for good measure. I will never know for sure what his diagnosis is but I know that he is not well and I know that he is not the answer to my happiness. My ex had his chance to love me and be good to me and he blew it in a bad way.

The labels of mental illness are not what matters here. What truly matters is that you were in a relationship with a person who discarded you cruelly without much thought and with very little respect. Diagnosis or not... what you need to accept is how badly she treated you and the little care she has shown towards your feelings. Even if you don't know for sure about her BPD status isn't the way she has treated you telling enough?

From what I'm reading it seems to me that you are asking others to decipher and interpret the specific words of your ex. That is not the same as hearing other people's experiences. Your questions are very specific to your ex and none of us on here know your ex therefore we cannot decipher for you what her feelings and thoughts are.

When my ex first dumped me he dropped me like a half-eaten sandwich in the street. He triangulated me, gaslighted me, started arguments with me, and was with another woman the very next night.  We recycled. My ex told me he loved me and wanted to me to have his baby. I clung to the words. In the meantime my ex conned me out of money, lied to my face, started a smear campaign to our entire neighborhood, and made me look like a crazy stalker and complete fool to my next door neighbor after I called the police on him for physically assaulting me. We went from him wanting a baby to him hating my guts because I didn't want to accept his ~ treatment of me. Playing out every action of his in my mind and wondering how things went wrong kept me stuck in his world. Do you want to be stuck in trying to decipher her disordered world?

So yes. Things can end pretty abruptly and badly with a person with BPD and it isn't our fault. When we cannot make sense of this insane hurtful behavior most of us end up doing Internet searches that bring us here to BPD family. The stories of idealize, devalue and discard are what we all have in common.

I'm happy to hear that you are healing in your own way. Clinging to the words on repeat in your mind will eventually wear itself out and you will get off the hamster wheel in your own time. I wish you well.  

Spell
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!