Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 11:02:09 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders

Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: She wants to change how we communicate AGAIN  (Read 2095 times)
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #30 on: January 18, 2013, 08:12:44 AM »

My ex trys to use people like that too. My take is it is her way of making someone else lie for her so she can blame it on the school or the pharmacist. I know that sounds twisted but when I put myself in the twisted thing mode I can usually anticipate my ex's next move. My response would have been the same and not pick it up.  Make sure you document the entire thing in chronological order. It is a clear example of not doing things in the child's best interest and a weak attempt at engagement. My T told me before , " negative engagement is still engagement."
Logged

hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #31 on: January 18, 2013, 10:58:38 AM »

Oh yes, this is going into the diary of shame.  I looked into the RX, I'm wondering if she really wanted us to buy it so she could take it?  It supposedly shortens the duration of the flu.  But she is also someone who is ALWAYS saying kiddo is sick even when she is not.  I think she likes the attention.
Logged
DreamGirl
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4015


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #32 on: January 18, 2013, 11:01:29 AM »

She sure is going to great lengths to win the family Wizard stand off. 

Today we get to the school and there is a "Message in the office" (This has never happened before)

BPD mom told the school to let dad know there was a script for the kid to pick up at the pharmacy.

Kid is not sick.

He texts her to tell her he has no idea what this is about.

She texts back "I have the flu, if kid doesn't take this, she could get sick too"

He texts back asking what it is

She texts DO NOT TEXT ME READ EMAIL

he reads email from her which instructs him to go pick up a RX she called in to a pharmacy on her side of town.  It is supposedly something that will help prevent the flu.  Kiddo says she has not seen a doc.  Her temp is perfect.

He gets a text ":)id you get it?"

he then gets a call from a very confused pharmacist. 

The Pharm says, "Um, kid's mom wanted me to call her ex because she has a no contact order with him? Is that you?"

He says, "Well, I am the ex, no order though."

Pharm says, "Well, anyhow, I'm supposed to tell you the RX is ready for pick up." (Tamiflu?)

He says, "What is it?"

Pharm explains it is some mix of something they do there that the doc called in and insurance doesn't cover and he will need to pay $228 to pick it up.

He laughed.

Needless to say it was not picked up. 

Interesting how she had the school talk to him and a pharm call him but could not send him a simple text explaining what the hell was going on.  Trying to prove a point or just was hoping he would pay for some $228 RX that we are still unclear on what it is.

So - anyway that he could have handled it any differently at all?
Logged

  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #33 on: January 18, 2013, 11:10:57 AM »

I don't think so.  he wanted to respond to her again, but I told him not to.  I told him it was not worth engaging her.  Just do not pick it up and let her deal with it today.  She gets kiddo back today and has her for the next week.  She just got $600 in child support, if she really feels she needs this stuff, she can go buy it. It was just a control thing.

Oh, and the one other thing she added to her email was "I WILL NEVER LOG INTO FW AGAIN"

So that answers that. Luckily, the court mandated mediation in is 2 weeks.  Hopefully we won't need to talk to her about anything between now and then.
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #34 on: January 18, 2013, 11:13:01 AM »

Instead of buying the Rx to reduce the risk mom will give germs to kid keep kid away from mom until mom gets better. This lets mom recuperate without the added burden of taking care of kid   and also prevents germs from building an immunity to the medications kid is receiving. When I propose win/win scenarios to ex I usually get no reply and it ends. Not suggesting you do this now but this method of communcation has helped me quickly end nonsense from ex.
Logged

DreamGirl
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4015


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #35 on: January 18, 2013, 11:47:51 AM »

I don't think so.  he wanted to respond to her again, but I told him not to.  I told him it was not worth engaging her.  Just do not pick it up and let her deal with it today.  She gets kiddo back today and has her for the next week.  She just got $600 in child support, if she really feels she needs this stuff, she can go buy it. It was just a control thing.

Oh, and the one other thing she added to her email was "I WILL NEVER LOG INTO FW AGAIN"

So that answers that. Luckily, the court mandated mediation in is 2 weeks.  Hopefully we won't need to talk to her about anything between now and then.

He engaged her from the word go.

My husband and his ex-wife are in a pretty decent place right now as far as communicating. However, there have definitely been times when really low contact is best.

She actually has a pretty predictable pattern - and I say this as a statement, not a judgement of her - but when she first starts dating a new boyfriend, she demonizes my husband (and her own mom actually). My best guess is that it's in a subconscious effort to create the Karpman's Drama Triangle (vicitm, persecutor, rescuer)  - "victimizing" herself by making my husband the "persecutor" and the new BF the "rescuer".

She's been known to accuse of him harassment (not so much a RO like your BF's ex - but a step down). He prefers to avoid it rather then fight it, so it becomes a little bit of a dance as to what he replies to and what he respects when it comes to her real (even though imagined) need for him to leave her alone.  

He would have told the lady at the desk "thank you". Then asked kiddo "you have a prescription? what's up - are you sick?"

No idea and no Dr. appt.?

End of the line.

He wouldn't have texted her - especially if she told him not to use that method. (Again, he only does this when they enter into the high conflict zone)

He would have checked the email account to be sure - and after reading what she wrote, wouldn't pursue it any farther for two reasons:

1.) She's playing games - it's inappropriate to be calling the school to relay messages. No rewards for that kind of behavior.  

2.) She called in the prescription - she gets to pick it up.  She made a unilateral decision to get a medically unnecessary prescription without his consent. (Note: She's also quite capable of follow thru when it comes to being medically responsible for the kids, she wouldn't let them go without)  

He wouldn't relay his reasons of course - because it's fruitless and argumentative. Doesn't mean he won't dismiss her when she's being irrational. She also knows that extinction bursting about it won't get her very far - because he's set the precedent that it won't.

 

If she contacted him again about it - he would say "I didn't have time to pick up the prescription, why don't you go ahead and take care of it."

And then ignore whatever rant were to follow.

~DreamGirl
Logged

  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #36 on: January 18, 2013, 12:43:23 PM »

As always, Dreamgirl, you are the guru of reading between the lines.  I didn't even think about stopping with the school.  Seems so obvs now.  haha!  I guess it is because he had never had the school relay a message before and then had the pharmacist call with a follow up.  She totally got to him, so even though he didn't respond in the end, she kind of won and was rewarded with a response. Interesting.
Logged
santhony
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 101


« Reply #37 on: January 21, 2013, 07:20:22 PM »

Thanks for posting; I thought I was the only one going through this.  My first hearing she (unBPDw) demands that we use OFW.  So I said great, the next day I paid the $99 and signed up for it and started filling in the calendar and kids names, etc.  I then started to communicate different solutions, as the kids were going nuts with her crazy drop-off requests and forgetting where the drop-off location was, etc.  I also asked for Doctor Information, Insurance information and papers regarding certain injuries the kids had during her custody.  Her plan was to sign-up the kids for activities on my custodial time without ever asking or even giving notice and then she wanted to show the court that I wasn't taking them to soccer practice or trampoline.  Well that backfired because now we're using it show another way she's trying to block access to the kids.  I also requested sleep-overs though OFW as the old orders had an 8p drop-off which was becoming tiresome for the kids.  I asked to switch dinner times or weekends as the site suggests. So our next time in court she asked to stipulate that only certain issues can be discussed on OFW, and that we can't discuss custody.  She had this placed twice in the same order!  She typically ignores responding to most emails on OFW and if she needs anything, she'll make the kids call me or she'll just text me directly.  I spent a month last year trying to coordinate Xmas only to find out we just had go with the existing custodial schedule because we never had a temporary holiday schedule.  BTW - she will login everyday to OFW, she'll never update anything, she'll never suggest any co-parenting changes, she just logs-in and does nothing. 

I've been told not to give-up the OFW communication.  Email is not detailed enough and cannot generate reports; also I use the journaling part of OFW.  I also provide our 730 with reports on communication.

Yes this is the lamest, most juvenile aspect of my divorce I often get a chuckle from those who are entertained by her latest antics.

The worst part is when she uses the kids to communicate.

I'd be interested to hear how it is going and also whether you've been able to use OFW to get what you want.

santhony

Logged
hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #38 on: January 21, 2013, 07:57:57 PM »

She has informed us she will not log into it again and will only use email from now on. We have mediation in 3 weeks, so we are hoping we won't need to talk before then. So sorry, can totally relate. She would not use the calendar either. And would only read stuff once every 12weeks or so.
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #39 on: January 21, 2013, 08:14:03 PM »

So you have documented that she will only read stuff every 12 weeks or so and you have mediation in three weeks. If mediation does not work then I would think that piece of info would be very helpful in front of a judge. Doesn't show signs of real communication on her part.

My ex gives me the silent treatment every now and then. I actually enjoy the quiet. However, the longer the period of silence the angrier she gets when she does send me an email. It's all passive/aggressive and doesn't phase me anymore since I expect it.

I only communicate through email with ex and that works well. Remember, gmail has a certified email service so if you send an email through google you can attach a certification to it. That way you are notified when she opened the email. This way she can't deny receiving and opening it.
Logged

hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #40 on: January 21, 2013, 09:00:53 PM »

I did some searching, I didn't see anything for certified gmail. Is it in labs? What is it called?
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #41 on: January 21, 2013, 11:26:10 PM »

GetNotify.com is reported to do free email read notifications.  There are other paid services such as ReadNotify.com.

Gmail read receipts are available only in Google Apps for Business, Education, and Government.

The general way this works, as I understand it, is that the message itself isn't sent to the recipient, just the link is and when the recipient accesses the text or graphic or whatever, the service logs when that happens and notifies you.

Of course, better just to stick with OurFamilyWizard.  These alternatives aren't nearly so authoritative to the court, I would imagine.
Logged

santhony
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 101


« Reply #42 on: January 22, 2013, 10:45:08 AM »

This actually raises the question, which I ask myself everytime I have to communicate with her. 

What information do I need from my uBPDw right now?  Can I get that information from any other source other than her and if from the kids, is it appropriate to ask the kids, or should I ask her first and then the kids.

If for a moment I think that the information I'm trading with my uBPDw will change her behavior, then I know for a fact it will not, in fact it usually takes a judge and a phone call for her attorney to explain to her that in fact your husband understands the orders and that he is following the orders correctly in that specific situation.

My uBPWw will not provide information that helps me or the kids, only if it benefits her, further if she is asked to do something on a certain date, typically she will not do it and will need further encouragement from attorneys and judges.

If your information conveys an action you will take, then I promise you will get a response if she doesn't agree, and then I ask you this, if you are willing to take a certain action, then why do you care if she responds?

Right now my focus is presenting what I want to the judge.  I'm not concerned anymore with what she wants and frankly she has no information that I can't get from other sources.  It may take some work and I may need to get a judgement requesting that information, but I don't need her.  It took two bench warrants and three hearings to finally get her financial records, but I never once asked her personally for them, it was all done in court and she paid all my attn. fees for that experience. 

I typically will text the following:  "I am working late, will pick up kids at 5:30".  If I don't get confirmation, I will send a text 20 minutes later.  "Please confirm my previous text".  I will also text:  "Please pick-up kids at X time at X location.

She does not tell me Doctors names or give me teacher reports, she does nothing to help any situation, so I have to take control of the situation as best I can, given the limited time and resources I have as a single dad with 3 kids.

Co-parenting does not exist with them, once in a while I'll ask to do something with the kids on noncustodial time and once in a while she'll agree, but I have a long battle to get what I want and what is best for the kids.
Logged
hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #43 on: January 22, 2013, 12:36:56 PM »

Santhony- You make very valid points.  It is something that I've tried to explain myself.  BF is getting better and better at not engaging her at all.  He still has a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact she is just a sick person who will not respond.  Like just a few days ago when she lefts notes at the school and had the pharmacy call him saying his child needed a $280 RX to be picked up when child is standing right there saying she feels fine.  He texts BPDex asking what this is about, and she responds with DO NOT TEXT ME AGAIN.

Kind of like someone else said earlier.  He should have just ended it with the Pharmacist convo,.  Kid was not sick, she was right there in front of him.  That should have been the end of it. 

I think he keeps hoping that one day she will just get over herself and start being a parent and stop being such a weirdo. But she won't.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #44 on: January 22, 2013, 08:30:56 PM »

I think part of the problem (feeling the tug to engage) is that BPD is such a stealth mental illness. What our BPD sufferers do and say is so wacky.  But then they go and buy groceries, and hold down jobs, and drive cars, and sit in meetings, and run PTA meetings, and blend in to some extent.

It makes it hard to keep your guard up all the time.
Logged

Breathe.
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #45 on: January 22, 2013, 08:38:31 PM »

I think part of the problem (feeling the tug to engage) is that BPD is such a stealth mental illness. What our BPD sufferers do and say is so wacky.  But then they go and buy groceries, and hold down jobs, and drive cars, and sit in meetings, and run PTA meetings, and blend in to some extent.

It makes it hard to keep your guard up all the time.

It would be easier if they dressed up like Napoleon, or talked to a big invisible rabbit.
Logged

david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #46 on: January 22, 2013, 09:59:23 PM »

My ex sends used to send me about 40 emails a month. That was for 5 years. Just recently the emails have declined to about 15 a month. I still reply to about 3 to 5 a month since they are about pick up times or ROFR. The rest are usually some attack or negative comment about me.

Lately she tried threatening me by saying I am in contempt of court because I am not following the court order. I follow the court order all the time. She made very specific allegations and I did reply with the facts only.
Logged

hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #47 on: January 22, 2013, 11:27:01 PM »

Oh yeah, BF gets accused of being in contempt and he always points out that he is following the PP as written.  It sucks. She just served him with contempt papers, we rescheduled everything for the hearing and then 3 days before she emailed and said she decided to "strike it"

It is all about control with her. Controlling our time.  Controlling information. All because she could not control the fact that he and I decided to be together years after she left him.
Logged
tog
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1198


« Reply #48 on: January 23, 2013, 06:24:08 AM »

I find that it's very hard for my SO to accept that she is always going to be disordered and refuse to co-parent, especially since she did co-parent after they first separated, when she was hoping for reconciliation. He still reacts with anxiety and anger about her behavior and personally, I think he has some PTSD symptoms from her abuse.

It would help if they talked to invisible rabbits or dressed like Napoleon (quite a visual there!), I agree. It's a strange disorder. SO's uN/BPDstbx seems like a very high-functioning person on the outside, but the strange machinations of her mind are really quite disturbing. I don't really understand how people function so well with such distorted thinking.

Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #49 on: January 23, 2013, 06:43:22 AM »

Maybe we've stumbled on a technique for dealing with the "hidden" mental illness. Just as people are advised to imagine an audience or an intimidating person as being in their underwear, maybe we should imagine the PDs in our lives as wearing a Napoleon hat or rabbit suit. That way we don't forget what we're dealing with!
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #50 on: January 23, 2013, 06:59:20 AM »

Think of the most destructive thing the person with BPD in your life has ever done.

For me, it was when she called 911 and told them I "pushed her down the stairs".  They interpreted that (very reasonably!) to mean that I had, um, pushed her down the stairs.  Basically attempted murder.  The police came, interviewed us both, caught her lying, and gathered physical evidence which proved she had lied - and then arrested us both, and charged me with assault.  We both spent the night in jail.

Later, the police report was issued and the charges against me were dropped.  But that night in jail, I realized I was dealing with a crazy person - although she acts OK most of the time.  It was a memorable experience.  When I think of her now, I always think of her as the person who put me in jail, accused of assault.

I bet we all have a story like that - the most extreme and destructive thing the person has ever done.  If we can remember that - not rationalize it or make excuses - but remember that this is the kind of behavior we can expect from this person, it will help us make good decisions (like getting as much distance from them as possible).
Logged

GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #51 on: January 23, 2013, 08:53:37 AM »

... .  When I think of her now, I always think of her as the person who put me in jail, accused of assault.

I bet we all have a story like that - the most extreme and destructive thing the person has ever done.  If we can remember that - not rationalize it or make excuses - but remember that this is the kind of behavior we can expect from this person, it will help us make good decisions (like getting as much distance from them as possible).

So true.  Actually, my DH has fared better than the other men in The Dark Princess' life.  DH is the only one she's never gone after with a weapon -- at first, it was a tire iron to the car windshield, but she threatened the last 3 men with her gun (ended up in jail on one of those occasions).  We have accepted that, at some point, she may actually go too far, with the consequences that accompany that.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
tog
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1198


« Reply #52 on: January 23, 2013, 08:59:28 AM »

OK, now I have an image of her taking SS from our house, trying to get SO arrested, and keeping SS away with no contact for a month while wearing a Napoleon hat. 
Logged
hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #53 on: January 23, 2013, 09:28:14 AM »

My BFs AhHa moment with his BPDex was when she called the police and they showed up at his door saying she accused him of threatening to kill her and she suspects he is molesting their child.  Up until that point I was not even allowed to say a mean word about her because he said "She is the mother of my child, and it is not right."

My Ah-Ha moment was about a month prior to that when I was sitting across the table from him and I told him, "I don't want you to take this wrong, but in the few months we've been dating I've notice that you act like a person with PTSD." 

At that point I didn't know anything about BPD but in my line of work I do know about PTSD and he had all of the signs, but no obvs history of trauma.  It was a few weeks later all the police calling went down and I started to put it all together.  She was abusing him like crazy for the two years post break up while they still co-parented and worked together.  And he would just keep his head down and take it because he wanted to be a good dad.  She hated me because when he and I got serious, those were the first times ever he ever told her no.  She would just call him in the middle of the night and expect him to drive across town and run errands for her "for their child" and he would.  I told him there needed to be boundaries.  That is why she hates me so much.
Logged
santhony
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 101


« Reply #54 on: January 23, 2013, 11:21:53 AM »

I always have to be reminded, but typically when things are going according to plan for the uBPDw, then things are quiet, but if her fragile world is threatened, then chaos ensues.  I suggested my D8 take voice lessons and I would take her to the lesson.  This is my fault; I was trying to manipulate the situation so I could see my kids more than once every 12 days.  So uBPDw scheduled voice lessons on dinner night, this was on top of 2 other activities for the other 2 kids the same night, and logically I thought great she'll help figure this out. Wrong, her intention was to cause stress and chaos for the kids and then have them focus the pain on me, so it was my entire fault.  She managed to do this so naturally and so fast, I didn't know what to do.  This happened yesterday and I've been reeling from it.  Now I'm calm and I'm going to let the day go on and I'm going to pick one event and one child and take one action which I can control in a calm way and proceed.  The rest won't get solved today.

Matt - thanks for the reminder, I will never forget the false DV, the false Deposition and smile on her face when telling the lies.  The lies they are capable of telling are chilling and I've been told they can actually pass a lie detector test because they are so convinced of their lie that their body does not react to it and treats it as the truth.

Has anyone ever noticed a sort psychotic gaze when they approach you?  I've really started to see this every time I'm approached by her and she also does this thing where she starts to shake or becomes hesitant when she hands something to me, like the kids shoes or bag.  I think it’s part of her act to convince herself that she's threatened by me.  It is really weird.  As my son put it, "mom just forgets things, and she doesn't know what to do".


santhony

Logged
DreamGirl
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4015


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #55 on: January 23, 2013, 12:03:37 PM »

I do think that we have responsibilities in this - to keep ourselves protected and to do it in a way that is conducive of our own values.

I remember my therapist said to me once, "I love my BPD clients - they are some of my most insightful, intuitive, and usually creative clients. I also make sure my [malpractice] insurance is always up to date and I limit myself to three at any given time."

It's important to keep ourselves safe - but also to stay grounded.  My husband always meets his ex-wife in a public place when discussing issues in person, usually for a quick bite to eat, and he always pays for it. It's an effort at having people around to keep her from making any accusations (of whatever) while being kind to her because he's still a gentleman. She's still the mother of his little girls. He still is respectful to her in that capacity - even though she struggles doing the same. She doesn't respect herself very much, so it's hard to give others what you can't give yourself.

They are still human beings who are suffering from a disorder that hinders them in a lot of ways, including being parents.

They still are the other parents to our children, folks.

Like it or not.

I don't know that it's wise to remind yourself of something that happened 6 years ago. 10 years ago. Coparenting books - even the ones that include high-conflict divorces - advise you not to harp on the past or constantly bring it up.  So while it's OK that you are aware of the capabilities of the disordered soul in your life, at some point there has to be a place where you can move forward - equipped with your own set of limits to help you in living your life by your own set of values.

It's OK to establish new boundaries that were absent during the marriage/divorce.

It's also OK to offer respect to someone who is parenting your child, even though you don't agree how.

My husband was hardly perfect during the divorce. Not even close. My husband also makes lots of mistakes as a Dad. Forgiveness goes both ways.  I feel like we sink to levels that we condemn in the other parent when we get caught up in these ruminations and discussions about events that happened when the ex was dysregulated and highly emotional during a very stressful time. If you learn about the disorder, you start to understand the behavior every step of the way. Making it less personal for us and allowing us to be better equipped in dealing with it. It becomes less "weird" and more managable.

Otherwise, we get stuck in the same cycles of the marriage (that are now defunct) - and keeps us from moving forward in developing new coparenting relationships with the other parent.  

We remain part of the problem when we don't learn new skills and run around blaming the other parent for being unable to coparent. It really does go both ways.

~DreamGirl
Logged

  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

tog
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1198


« Reply #56 on: January 23, 2013, 12:56:45 PM »

I dunno.

I think it's wise to remind oneself that this person can do incredibly scary, damaging and abusive things unpredictably to keep self-protection in mind. Your DH must do that, otherwise, why does he meet with her in public?

On the other hand, even though the reality may be that they can't co-parent (in our case, I do believe that if she would, my SO would) it does make sense to learn new skills for dealing with that reality: that disordered person will likely not share parenting and may obstruct, delay and attempt to hide information, etc.

At times when my SO's stbxw shows her vulnerability-when I realize that fear is at the core of her behavior-I feel bad for her. But when she is enraged and intent on doing as much damage as possible, not so much. She is the other parent... .  but she is mentally ill and she has already caused much emotional harm to me, my SO and SS-and that's hard to "forget" and put behind us completely-especially when it is ongoing.

JMHO. You can take both positions too far.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #57 on: January 23, 2013, 01:08:19 PM »

Oh, Harvey the pooka! Smiling (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
Elwood P. Dowd: I'd just put Ed Hickey into a taxi. Ed had been mixing his rye with his gin, and I just felt that he needed conveying. Well, anyway, I was walking down along the street and I heard this voice saying, "Good evening, Mr. Dowd." Well, I turned around and here was this big six-foot rabbit leaning up against a lamp-post. Well, I thought nothing of that because when you've lived in a town as long as I've lived in this one, you get used to the fact that everybody knows your name. And naturally I went over to chat with him. And he said to me... .  he said, "Ed Hickey was a little spiffed this evening, or could I be mistaken?" Well, of course, he was not mistaken. I think the world and all of Ed, but he was spiffed. Well, we talked like that for awhile and then I said to him, I said, "You have the advantage on me. You know my name and I don't know yours." And, and right back at me he said, "What name do you like?" Well, I didn't even have to think twice about that. Harvey's always been my favorite name. So I said to him, I said, "Harvey." And, uh, this is the interesting thing about the whole thing: He said, "What a coincidence. My name happens to be Harvey."

Wilson: Who's Harvey?

Miss Kelly: A white rabbit, six feet tall.

Wilson: Six feet?

Elwood P. Dowd: Six feet three and a half inches. Now let's stick to the facts.

Elwood P. Dowd: You see, science has overcome time and space. Well, Harvey has overcome not only time and space, but any objections.

Myrtle Mae Simmons: Oh, mother, people get run over by trucks every day. Why can't something like that happen to Uncle Elwood?

Wilson: [reading from an encyclopedia] "P O O K A - Pooka - from old Celtic mythology - a fairy spirit in animal form - always very large. The pooka appears here and there - now and then - to this one and that one - a benign but mischievous creature - very fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are you, Mr. Wilson?" "How are you, Mr. Wilson?" Who in the encyclopedia wants to know?

Logged

Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #58 on: January 23, 2013, 01:12:34 PM »

I don't know that it's wise to remind yourself of something that happened 6 years ago.

Spoken like someone who's never been to jail.

(I thought about writing a book about my experience - 16 hours of hard time.  If I did, I think I would title it based on the most memorable quote from one of my cellmates:  "Yo white man you snoring!".  Good times, good times... .  )

Coparenting books - even the ones that include high-conflict divorces - advise you not to harp on the past or constantly bring it up.

Well I don't consider myself co-parenting, and I would not suggest that anyone try to co-parent if the other parent has BPD and hasn't been in treatment for a few years.

But DG is right - it's certainly not helpful to bring up a subject that's in the past, and that's not going to change, when talking to the other party.  My ex has had plenty of opportunities to tell the truth, apologize, make amends, whatever.  She doesn't choose to do that.  Mentioning it to her would serve no purpose.  Reminding myself of it is helpful to avoid a recurrence in the future - make sure I deal with her accordingly - like DG's husband meeting the other party in a public place - prudent steps to avoid problems that could occur for the same reason there were incidents in the past.

Many here - and I went through many years of thinking this way - want to believe that if there hasn't been a serious incident in the past week, or month, or year, that "Maybe she's changed."  But if the person with BPD hasn't been in treatment - and isn't committed to changing her thinking - then the risk is still high, and that makes it super-important to deal with her in ways that minimize the risk.

You can have sympathy for the other party - my ex didn't choose to have BPD, and she isn't very happy, and probably never will be - without putting yourself in harm's way.
Logged

hell0kitty
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #59 on: January 23, 2013, 01:57:18 PM »

santhony- If you changed Voice Lessons to Ballet I could have written your post, down to the shaking and crazed look.  Her eyes go black and she stares and shakes. It is really weird. She also struts, like from the how The Jeffersons. Whenever she walks away after doing or saying something rude she walks away like George Jefferson, she walks in and out of court like that too.  It is an extremely exaggerated strut.  In fact, the other day, I caught her from the corner of my eye and knew it was her from the walk!

I do have many moments where I try to feel sorry for her and humanize her.  Like a few weeks ago when I caught her staring at my baby so I let her hold him.  For  few minutes I had hope that maybe, just maybe she could start acting human, then the next day, contempt charges and her saying she is being harassed, like that whole kind exchange never happened. IN FACT she misquoted me out of context from that convo and tried to use it against my BF in court!  I told her I was on my last week of maternity leave, she said, "Oh, I'm so sorry!  That must be hard.  What are you going to do for daycare?" Then I gave her a loose idea of what I was doing.

She then went to the court and said that my BF should not have his child on weekends because I told her that he would be working every weekend and only staying home during the week to watch the baby! Which is not really what I said, but it made the judge not grant weekend just yet.  She is evil and I have to remember it every time i speak to her, even when she is wearing her human clothes.

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!