Feel Like I Can't Live Without Her

[TheRealSully]

Folks, I'm backsliding very badly. 

In the beginning, I was so angry about my exBPD smashing 12 years of relationship and 10 years of marriage overnight, I was strong. 

I'm no longer angry and I see this as just another one of her crazy stunts.  It's not like she hasn't done this kind of thing before.  3 years ago was her last "we are getting a divorce" thing, but it didn't take. 

This time, she went all the way through with it and we are divorced.

What is really difficult is that I know in my heart that I'll never have what I had with her again.  Sure, she was a lot of trouble and the visits to the mental health professionals was a lot of work... .  and her rage was unbearable at times.  BUT... .  Zoloft cured the rage, not the BPD. 

The scary thing is that I am now feeling like all the trouble she was is actually worth it! 

I feel like I will never have this connection with anyone else again.  We shared a connection (when the BPD wasn't flaring up) that was truly remarkable. 

I want this back. 

I want her back.  I am really struggling.  I can't move on because there is and never will be anyone I have this connection with.  We were two of the exact same people, just a male and female version. 

What do I do?  How do I move on when I know in my heart I will never love anyone at the level I love my ex wife when she is not in a BPD flare up?   Why should I move on?  Should I just try to get her back? 

I can't enjoy anything anymore without her.  Everything I like in life is something we used to do together. 

She has pretty much gone NC, except to express how happy she is that our divorce finally went through last week, to get me to sign the papers and to get money from me. 

Other than that, nothing... .  

I've been writing to her a lot.  Asking her to hang out.  Nothing. 

Now I am moving from the BPD issues with a break up into the normal, emotional issues with a break up of a 12 year relationship, 10 year marriage. 

Honestly, life isn't fun without her. 

Where do you go from here?  I feel like expending all of my energy (as I usually do on her) to get her back.    I'm backsliding very badly and I can't deal with this.  I'm trying to find work again (since she destroyed my career by taking money needed to finish building a boat) and I am way out of focus.  I can't focus on work (to fund that boat build) because I am stuck thinking about her 24  hours a day all of a sudden. 

I don't know what to do... .  I'm so lost... .  

[seeking balance]

Sorry you are in such pain right now Sully.

Let's take the BPD component out of this for a minute - it seems what is going on here is you are having a hard time with the grief of this marriage ending.

I understand missing the person that you married - honestly, we loved them, right?  As they move on and we are left sitting here it is very difficult to accept.  What helped me was to truly realize that if someone does this once, they will likely do it again and I don't want to go through this grief twice or three times.

If you can, try to stop contacting her - this is actually retriggering your pain each time she doesn't respond.  It is like ripping the scap off over and over.  No matter what, simply stop contacting her.

It's ok to feel bad for a while - you loved her and you are grieving.  Write about your feelings, exercise, "ACT" like you know you should even if you don't "FEEL" like it.  With time, these things will help.

Have you considered a T of your own to help with the grief proceess?

I have said before - the way through this is time and tears - at least that was what it has taken for me.

Peace,

SB

[Want2know]

I was married for 12 years... .  it's not easy to let that go regardless if there were times that were unbearable.

What you need when these moments occur, when you start having thoughts of the good times and your love for her, is to come into the 'here and now' reality regarding the fact that the relationship is done.  No going forward with this person, going forward on your own.  That can be scary and sad.  

Writing is good, and journaling some of your thoughts privately can help, too.  :)o you have people, friends that you can talk to or visit with?

[slimmiller]

Being strong is hard in times when we miss the one we loved and married. I told mine recently, I miss her. The one I married but I dont like the one she is now. I hate the 'new' one for taking the one I fell in love with away. At times that helps me put things in perspective

[Newton]

Sully... .  I'm really sorry to hear things are so tough for you right now... .  :'(

I found a simple exercise thats useful when I am dwelling on the good times (it sounds like this is where you are right now)... .  

Write a list of bullet points of aspects of her negative behaviour... .  then a short sentence on how each of those makes/made you feel... .  not as an attempt to demonize her... .  but rather as a tool to provide some balance to the selective positive thoughts you are having at the moment... .  This exercise often provides some grounding and reality to the situation as it is right now... .  

This method usually helps me to put things into perspective and find some centre ground... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Folks, I'm backsliding very badly. 

In the beginning, I was so angry about my exBPD smashing 12 years of relationship and 10 years of marriage overnight, I was strong. 

I'm no longer angry and I see this as just another one of her crazy stunts.  It's not like she hasn't done this kind of thing before.  3 years ago was her last "we are getting a divorce" thing, but it didn't take. 

This time, she went all the way through with it and we are divorced.

What is really difficult is that I know in my heart that I'll never have what I had with her again.  Sure, she was a lot of trouble and the visits to the mental health professionals was a lot of work... .  and her rage was unbearable at times.  BUT... .  Zoloft cured the rage, not the BPD. 

Why do you think you will never have what you had with her? Because you also know, what you had with her, was something which wasn't real, although at the time felt real, was far from it. It was a sick, toxic relationship where all the signs of a   were greatly ignored. Chasing a 'high'. Felt fantastic, believe me i've been there. She put you on a pedestal, you fell off, you are not interested anymore and she moves on. And then you wonder; "but what about my feelings?". It's not like she doesn't care, she can't care. That's not inside her. All your cries of missing will be lost because she won't have one moment of having feeling the same remorse as you have. Not one single moment...

The scary thing is that I am now feeling like all the trouble she was is actually worth it! 

I feel like I will never have this connection with anyone else again.  We shared a connection (when the BPD wasn't flaring up) that was truly remarkable. 

I want this back. 

I want her back.  I am really struggling.  I can't move on because there is and never will be anyone I have this connection with.  We were two of the exact same people, just a male and female version. 

The connection you shared was a unhealthy one, fueled by the BPD to immense levels far beyond any of the level of any other normal r/s. The intensity and attachment in a BPD relationship goes SO much further to a sick toxic level where you can't see the difference anymore between reality and fakery. Read How are Borderline relationship evolves -> https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves You don't want her back, you ache, long, for that that inner sense of joy you once had which, unfortunately, was based on nothing but her using her illness to the greatest extent possible which made you feel fantastic.

What do I do?  How do I move on when I know in my heart I will never love anyone at the level I love my ex wife when she is not in a BPD flare up?   Why should I move on?  Should I just try to get her back? 

I can't enjoy anything anymore without her.  Everything I like in life is something we used to do together. 

Other than that, nothing... .  

I've been writing to her a lot.  Asking her to hang out.  Nothing. 

Honestly, life isn't fun without her. 

Where do you go from here?  I feel like expending all of my energy (as I usually do on her) to get her back.    I'm backsliding very badly and I can't deal with this.  I'm trying to find work again (since she destroyed my career by taking money needed to finish building a boat) and I am way out of focus.  I can't focus on work (to fund that boat build) because I am stuck thinking about her 24  hours a day all of a sudden. 

I don't know what to do... .  I'm so lost... .  

When my troubles started with my gf w BPD, i seriously cried for hours and hours, in bed, with friends, under the shower. Couldn't work anymore, couldn't study anymore. Didn't feel like I had energy. Whatever I did was involved in getting her back to 'normal' levels. As it was used to be ... and checking her facebook, mail. She wasn't responding anymore, felt like a horrible agonizing switch in her head and i was left clueless... .  I seriously cried for hours and hours, and hours, and ... yeah, hours. Not joking. And what did it bring me? From the very first moment I started crying because I couldn't see the old her in her eyes, she already started with; What the heck you crying for? Stop it, you have no reason to cry. Stop it! You only make me go away more from you ... no empathy.

In regards of getting her back, the more time you spend on her getting her back, the more you will drive her away and most likely might never see her again ...

I know all this might sound a bit harsh, I know, but I feel like i've been there, and it's not worth the cries, tears, feeling depressed about it. It simply isn't. It really, really isn't. In the end you should be happy that you got rid of it, that you are still alive, not completely broke, and still have opportunities in life. I know it sounds like fresh baloney, but you are not helping anyone (not her, not the 'old two of you' with feeling depressed, lonely, etc.

She has a serious mental illness and you cannot control that illness... you never could... and unfortunately you had to let it go.

[HarmKrakow]

Being strong is hard in times when we miss the one we loved and married. I told mine recently, I miss her. The one I married but I dont like the one she is now. I hate the 'new' one for taking the one I fell in love with away. At times that helps me put things in perspective

Why would you tell her you miss her?

[waitaminute]

Therealsully,

My opinion... .  

When we feel like we have lost a piece of ourselves, it is a stong indicator that this person was a living breathing animation of our own subconscious image of a woman or man. In other words... .  All that she was is actually inside of you. It is not a bad thing to want such a partner. But when things go badly, you can mitigate some of the sense of loss by allowing that subconscious character within you to "live and breathe" through your own interactions with the world. The interactions can take many forms of action. In some unhealthy ways, for those of us who had a BPD partner who lived on the edge, we might give "life" to this impulsive and reckless creature by impulsively taking up addictions that are substitutes for the life we shared with the partner. But remember... .  It was the inner "you" that you were originally trying to find with your partner in the first place. So now, you can try a different approach: give that inner subconscious person an expression in your own life. Maybe reading about such lives, or writing, or some "on the edge" living yourself... .  But in some healthy form.

sorry this is so abstract.  If I could be more specific, I'd be making money as a therapist . Instead, I'm trying to put this advice into concrete practice in my own life.

[TheRealSully]

I'll reply to each, as each of you have graciously taken the time to reply to my first post.

SeekingBalance:  Yes, right now, I am out of the BPD issues, since I am understanding them and her behavior a lot better.  I am definitely in the "where did my wife go? It's time for her to come back" stage.  I went to one therapy session when she dropped the bomb on me, because I was literally driving around in circles not knowing what to do.  That got me into shape a bit.  It was like a crisis moment.  I guess I'm going to have to try not to contact her, as you said.  That is the hardest thing in the world.  We had to be apart for work for a while recently (before the episode) and we talked on the phone for 2+ hours every day.  Even after being married for 10 years.  That's how close we are.  (were?)  I may have mentioned before that we were together 24/7/365 for 12 years.  We were one person, for all intents and purposes.  We worked together, lived together, did errands together and we both were happy (despite BPD - mine was very high functioning).  Even in the bank, moving some account stuff around during the divorce the representative said they couldn't believe we were getting divorced.  They asked why on earth we would want to do that when we clearly got along so well and were so close.  The wife kind of was taken aback and then said "there are a lot of other problems",  unable to name one.  I do not have a current therapist because I am now without health insurance, without extra money (I am down $60K right now) and unable to allocate funds for one.  

Want2Know:  Sound advice.  I'm just having a hard time carrying it out.  I do not have ANY friends, ANY people, anything.  I am all alone.  My family is 1000 miles away and doesn't really want to hear much more about it (they were updated about the drama).  So, no... .  I am 100% alone.  My exBPD filled in her life with 70 Facebook friends on a new profile she just made.  These are people she hasn't talked to in 12 years from her high school days.  Then, she has befriended this new guy (the one she cheated on me with - mine only cheated this once and we got divorced, due to our 24/7/365 life together).  She met the new guy while she was working as a hooker (unknown to me - while we were apart for work) and he was in getting hookers!  So, that can't end well...    But she has him, she has these old reunion people on Facebook now and she has as many friends as she can possible muster up in her new life in a new town.  All using her, for the most part.  She is very attractive and people flock to her with bad intentions all the time.  Highly suggestible, etc... .   In fact, those new people crept in and fueled her painting me black this time.  They were all telling her to get a divorce, etc... .  so she'd hang out with them all the time.  It's not the first time.  They kind of prey on her because she is so suggestible.  Anyway, no, I have no friends at all. She systematically eliminated the few friends I did have many years ago.  I'm all alone.  No friends, no co-workers, no family, no wife, no known way to move through my career path by getting the boat done, nothing.  

Slimmiller:  Yes that is how I see it too.  I am missing my "real wife", the one I had the magical connection with.  The glassy eyed monster we both called "Crazy C~" has come out, with a lot of encouragement from those new "friends" of hers in her new life in the new town and I absolutely hate Crazy C.  Told her so on many occasions and told her I'd help my real wife kick her ass any time.  And we did... .  for 12 total years I kept CC under control.  Until we were apart a while for work and CC absolutely took over.  I mean my wife went from a quiet person who reads, loves the outdoors, boats, no drugs, no drinking, not even cookies... .  ha ha ha  into this:  Boyfriend was someone she met when she was a hooker for a few weeks (he was getting hookers), huge new tattoos (none before), this really stupid looking purplish red dye in her hair, that glassy stare that you can even see in her new Facebook pic on her new Facebook account (she and I didn't have Facebook before), drinking and doing light drugs.  And worst of all, she hates everything she used to love before.  Those are like 2 different people in my mind, just the way you are describing it.  

Newton:  That is a great idea.  I think I will try that to keep focused.

HarmKrakow:  I mostly understand what you are saying, but my BPD was a little different.  She was somewhat more functioning.  She had moments where there was little to no BPD and she was just a wonderful person.  It would come in waves and stages and seasons with her.  Her brother has OCD and autism, but he functions working at an autobody repair shop and is married.  He is also very high functioning.  My wife is like this too.  She is very high functioning and the effects of the BPD are sometimes transitory.  They come and go and she'll forget what happened during them.  Also, while she's in them, she will forget what happened that was good in life.  It's very complicated.  It's not just massive BPD to the level that she can't function.  She isn't as bad as most I've read on here, though she exhibit 8 out of the 9 symptoms. We have spent all 12 years going to doctors and they have all had a different diagnosis.  First it was depression (Celexa), before we met, then Bipolar (Lamictal), then PTSD (Zoloft).  The Zoloft is the only thing that sort of worked.  It brought her anger down and her rages subsided.  However, it didn't stop any of the real BPD stuff from happening.  Just the rage.  She functions so highly that she even said things to me like, "you will lose me from this someday" and "I may not be able to function when I get older."  Even as our marriage was ending, she said, "It's better this happens to you now than when you are too old."  She is a wonderful, sweet caring person on one side (the side I miss), but her disorder owns her 50% of the time before and now about 99% of the time with this massive flare up.

waitaminute:  Actually, this is going to really sound confusing.  When we first got married, I was a lot less in love with her.  I was sort of settling in some ways.  I loved her, but not like I understand what love is now.  As the years went on, my love for her just grew and grew and grew.  So, it wasn't the ideal inside me, I don't think.  I think it was real.  IDK... .  it's all very confusing.  

[spaceace]

I read your post and I immediately thought, I am not divorced, yet I am in the same boat. I just came back from my T discussing exactly this. The thing is this... she has an illness. If she didn't, why isn't she banging down your door if that is the case the two of your are exactly alike? I'm sorry if that is harsh sounding, but that is exactly what caused me to respond. I thought to myself, why isn't SHE banging down my door right now?

I feel this same exact way. I will never find a connection like I have/had with my wife. I am lost. There is no way someone can give me exactly what she gives me. I love her so much!

But wait... wait a skinny minute here. I do NOT want exactly what she gave me.

I can connect with someone else. I have not gotten in a place in my recovery yet, but I can find a connection just like this WITHOUT the illness, that is, if I choose to not fall for the same troubled soul.

It must be terrible to feel this way after a divorce. I cannot imagine. And I am praying I will have peace and serenity when we finally divorce.

Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you have tremendous strength and outstanding qualities a healthy loving person will find irresistible.

[HarmKrakow]

I read your post and I immediately thought, I am not divorced, yet I am in the same boat. I just came back from my T discussing exactly this. The thing is this... she has an illness. If she didn't, why isn't she banging down your door if that is the case the two of your are exactly alike? I'm sorry if that is harsh sounding, but that is exactly what caused me to respond. I thought to myself, why isn't SHE banging down my door right now?

I feel this same exact way. I will never find a connection like I have/had with my wife. I am lost. There is no way someone can give me exactly what she gives me. I love her so much!

But wait... wait a skinny minute here. I do NOT want exactly what she gave me.

I can connect with someone else. I have not gotten in a place in my recovery yet, but I can find a connection just like this WITHOUT the illness, that is, if I choose to not fall for the same troubled soul.

It must be terrible to feel this way after a divorce. I cannot imagine. And I am praying I will have peace and serenity when we finally divorce.

Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you have tremendous strength and outstanding qualities a healthy loving person will find irresistible.

Awesome post!   

[TheRealSully]

I read your post and I immediately thought, I am not divorced, yet I am in the same boat. I just came back from my T discussing exactly this. The thing is this... she has an illness. If she didn't, why isn't she banging down your door if that is the case the two of your are exactly alike? I'm sorry if that is harsh sounding, but that is exactly what caused me to respond. I thought to myself, why isn't SHE banging down my door right now?

I feel this same exact way. I will never find a connection like I have/had with my wife. I am lost. There is no way someone can give me exactly what she gives me. I love her so much!

But wait... wait a skinny minute here. I do NOT want exactly what she gave me.

I can connect with someone else. I have not gotten in a place in my recovery yet, but I can find a connection just like this WITHOUT the illness, that is, if I choose to not fall for the same troubled soul.

It must be terrible to feel this way after a divorce. I cannot imagine. And I am praying I will have peace and serenity when we finally divorce.

Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you have tremendous strength and outstanding qualities a healthy loving person will find irresistible.

Wow, that is a good post. 

See, the reason I feel that way about never being able to have another connection like that is that well, I've dated plenty.  I've had plenty of serious relationships.  I kind of know what's out there, and IMO, the selection pool hasn't gotten any better in the 12 years I was with my BPD spouse. 

But, there is certainly logic to your post.  Reads much better than my overly emotional, falling apart at the seams one. 

So yes... .  I guess the key point is... .  she changed.  She has changed so many times before, then gone back, I just feel like this is simply another one of these temporary insanity things.  I guess that's why I'm looking for her still.  Maybe there is no coming back this time. 

Last time, she flew to TX to go hang out with some really trashy relatives she and her family had never met.  She was thinking of staying out there, but something happened while she was out there that snapped her back to me.  And she was wonderful after that. 

I almost think this is the same thing, but... .  it's a lot more permanent and harsh this time. 

Oh well, I guess you are right.  Only time will tell on all of this.  Who knows if I will ever find anything that good... .  or if she snaps out of this episode... .  or what? 

Very thought provoking post.  Thank you for it.  I'll have to keep that in mind to try to get better. 

[TheRealSully]

So I was contacting her... .  and got a response.  See how there is a really really good side of her?  I got through to it by leaving her a voicemail in a kind tone that completely disarmed her.  Look at how she is being kind and nice and even mentioned that I have got through to the real her and not Crazy C.   Here it is:  

We are now officially divorced. I am moving on with my life.

I wish you all the best,  but please,  please,  leave me alone. I am thru with us.

Go and do great things and succeed,  however,  you will be doing them on your own.  

This isn't crazy C,  but C.  Please understand,  we are over.

Good bye.  



Not something I really wanted to hear, given what I have written above, but see how I can bring her out of the BPD?  I pulled her right out with my soothing, kind voicemail.  That's how our relationship lasted 12 years even with the BPD.  I could always get her out of it.

This time, she doesn't want to ever come back out, but she did slip in enough of the real C to at least have a little compassion in her note to me.  She wasn't mean (though the news is more than devastating).  I'd still like to see about getting her back, but based on the above from real C, it looks like the two have kind of melded into one and maybe I'm out for good.   Time to start hanging out on the "how the hell do I get over a 12 year relationship and 10 year marriage when I love the divorcer to death?" board.   :'(

[HarmKrakow]

So I was contacting her... .  and got a response.  See how there is a really really good side of her?  I got through to it by leaving her a voicemail in a kind tone that completely disarmed her.  Look at how she is being kind and nice and even mentioned that I have got through to the real her and not Crazy Candace.   Here it is: 

We are now officially divorced. I am moving on with my life.

I wish you all the best,  but please,  please,  leave me alone. I am thru with us.

Go and do great things and succeed,  however,  you will be doing them on your own. 

This isn't crazy Candace,  but Candace.  Please understand,  we are over.

Good bye. 



Not something I really wanted to hear, given what I have written above, but see how I can bring her out of the BPD?  I pulled her right out with my soothing, kind voicemail.  That's how our relationship lasted 12 years even with the BPD.  I could always get her out of it.

This time, she doesn't want to ever come back out, but she did slip in enough of the real Candace to at least have a little compassion in her note to me.  She wasn't mean (though the news is more than devastating).  I'd still like to see about getting her back, but based on the above from real Candace, it looks like the two have kind of melded into one and maybe I'm out for good.   Time to start hanging out on the "how the hell do I get over a 12 year relationship and 10 year marriage when I love the divorcer to death?" board.   :'(

I'm sorry if I trash your hopes and all, but in my opinion that is far from a normal nice letter. It literally shows no empathy, no emotion. And only certain self-defence from her. To me it seems like the typical BPD letter of someone who walked over you and left you for dead. The more you contact her, the more she might get angry and never want to see you again. Especially in the field of how she dumped you. I don't hear anything about you in this equation... You should really try to devote the energy what you put in her in yourself to become that great man hou once were

[TheRealSully]

Wow, so that's not even nice?    

I have to admit I am actually laughing at myself and this whole situation right now.  

This is what I consider a wonderful, happy moment from her.  ha ha ha

My standards for what makes a good relationship must be pretty darn low if this is just a typical BPD message.  

Now get this... .  

I left another voicemail this morning and got another email back.  People, if you are ever trying to break NC with your BPD, leave a nice, soothing voicemail.  It works *every* time with mine.

So she writes back to me again on email.  This time with the closure I was asking for!

Her main reason for throwing away 12 years, total together was that she met a guy who is very old school Italian and wants a traditional family.  She wants to be a kept woman.  She wants kids.  

Initially she told me this new guy was very wealthy.  I looked up his wealth.  This fancy house she was going on about is worth $120K  We put more than that into the *materials* for the boat we were building together.  I don't want to sound like an ass, and I did sacrifice 3 years of my life and my marriage as well, apparently but the boat we are building has a market value of around $600K when complete.  Yet, she was fooled by the guy buying her some purses and a leased $60K BMW he has.  More of that suggestibility.

Our relationship was that of equal partners, working toward common goals, which, I might add, we were pretty successful at until she flipped out in Dec.  Best friends and equal partners.  

Mind you, the reason we do not have kids is because from the first week or two dating, she has been adamantly against having any kids.  I think the last time she mentioned never wanting kids was Thanksgiving or so.  She flipped December 14th.   I was 50/50 or on the fence about having kids, so I just went along with her preference not to.  

Unbelievable.  The 180 degree personality change is like nothing I have ever experienced, even down to core values she has held for 12 years.  

So I was contacting her... .  and got a response.  See how there is a really really good side of her?  I got through to it by leaving her a voicemail in a kind tone that completely disarmed her.  Look at how she is being kind and nice and even mentioned that I have got through to the real her and not CC.   Here it is:  

We are now officially divorced. I am moving on with my life.

I wish you all the best,  but please,  please,  leave me alone. I am thru with us.

Go and do great things and succeed,  however,  you will be doing them on your own.  

This isn't crazy C,  but C.  Please understand,  we are over.

Good bye.  



Not something I really wanted to hear, given what I have written above, but see how I can bring her out of the BPD?  I pulled her right out with my soothing, kind voicemail.  That's how our relationship lasted 12 years even with the BPD.  I could always get her out of it.

This time, she doesn't want to ever come back out, but she did slip in enough of the real C to at least have a little compassion in her note to me.  She wasn't mean (though the news is more than devastating).  I'd still like to see about getting her back, but based on the above from real C, it looks like the two have kind of melded into one and maybe I'm out for good.   Time to start hanging out on the "how the hell do I get over a 12 year relationship and 10 year marriage when I love the divorcer to death?" board.   :'(

I'm sorry if I trash your hopes and all, but in my opinion that is far from a normal nice letter. It literally shows no empathy, no emotion. And only certain self-defence from her. To me it seems like the typical BPD letter of someone who walked over you and left you for dead. The more you contact her, the more she might get angry and never want to see you again. Especially in the field of how she dumped you. I don't hear anything about you in this equation... You should really try to devote the energy what you put in her in yourself to become that great man hou once were

[HarmKrakow]

Unbelievable.  The 180 degree personality change is like nothing I have ever experienced, even down to core values she has held for 12 years.  

It might be a change like you never have experienced, but unfortunately it's a matter of normality for the majority of the board here I hope her email has helped you understand the essence of her illness so that you can get the closure you were seeking for.

[TheRealSully]

Unbelievable.  The 180 degree personality change is like nothing I have ever experienced, even down to core values she has held for 12 years.  

It might be a change like you never have experienced, but unfortunately it's a matter of normality for the majority of the board here I hope her email has helped you understand the essence of her illness so that you can get the closure you were seeking for.

I think it actually did, but even more so, your post helped me understand her illness and my incredibly low standards. 

Honestly, compared to the scathing few sentences I've had sent to me over txt and the rubbing in of our divorce the day she got the paperwork, I felt like this message was a godsend.  A wonderful, kind act. 

That shows there is something wrong with me, too, and your post has probably helped me more than anything I've read in books or online to realize I'm wrong to have accepted her terrible behavior for all of these years. 

[HarmKrakow]

Unbelievable.  The 180 degree personality change is like nothing I have ever experienced, even down to core values she has held for 12 years.  

It might be a change like you never have experienced, but unfortunately it's a matter of normality for the majority of the board here I hope her email has helped you understand the essence of her illness so that you can get the closure you were seeking for.

I think it actually did, but even more so, your post helped me understand her illness and my incredibly low standards. 

Honestly, compared to the scathing few sentences I've had sent to me over txt and the rubbing in of our divorce the day she got the paperwork, I felt like this message was a godsend.  A wonderful, kind act. 

That shows there is something wrong with me, too, and your post has probably helped me more than anything I've read in books or online to realize I'm wrong to have accepted her terrible behavior for all of these years. 

Well, I hope you realize I never wanted to sound harsh or rude

As is written here in one of the FOG articles;

Most of us begin a relationship thinking we have certain limits as to what we will and will not tolerate from a partner. But as the relationship progresses, we tend to move our boundaries back, tolerating more and more intrusion or going along with things we are really opposed to. . . . [Individuals] begin tolerating unacceptable and even abusive behavior, and then convince themselves that these behaviors are normal, acceptable, [and deserved].[5]

As I also think that you lowered your boundaries in this r/s and allowed her to do this to you

[TheRealSully]

I'm here to learn.  Thank you for your honest posts.  This is why I joined this board.  To make sense of something I have been very used to dealing with for 12 years.

The collective experience here brings me up to speed very quickly.

By the way, since I'm obviously out with her, I sent her a final message.

It said:

1)  I would have done whatever you were looking for if you had just communicated your feelings to me.  (I know, a chump, but I would have)

2)  You have BPD.  She knows she has a mental illness.  It has been a central role in our lives for 12 years.  She is constantly struggling with it.  We were constantly struggling with it.  It was misdiagnosed as depression (before we met and for a year or two into the marriage), then Bipolar for a number of years, then PTSD for up to the present.  I told her to google BPD, Painting Black, Pedestal, etc... .  to see if it might help her later in life.  When she does snap back into C- (rather than Crazy C), she will likely look this stuff up.  

I found BPD by accident.  I was so stressed out over the way my 12 years with her ended with an abrupt change that happened overnight without any warning signs and a huge personality shift, that I just Googled that to see who may have gone through something similar, to see how I could deal with it.

Then BPD popped up everywhere.  The more I read about it and the more books I bought on it, the more I found she had nearly every symptom (and a known mental illness for as long as I've known her).  The only one she is missing is that self harm/cutting one.  She does really tear out zits and other imperfection on her skin/body, but that might be more OCD stuff, which she also has a touch of.  

Anyway, I gave her all the resources I can and suggested she go to counseling and that the Zoloft, while it did reduce the rage, isn't going to help the underlying BPD which is obviously stronger than ever.  

I hope that this helps her someday when she chooses to act upon it.

[TheRealSully]

Now, I am dreaming about the missing love of my life every single night, all night.  Dreaming we are talking and working things out, then waking up with incredible heartache.   

Worst nightmare of my life is my real life.  In my dreams, I am happy. 

[HarmKrakow]

Now, I am dreaming about the missing love of my life every single night, all night.  Dreaming we are talking and working things out, then waking up with incredible heartache.   

Worst nightmare of my life is my real life.  In my dreams, I am happy. 

Mate, hold on! I mean that. And yeah, i've been through that period. For me it lasted roughly a month and a half, that deepest period of intense crying, waking up in the middle of night with horrific nightmares about her, thoughts of still wanting to fix it, worries that you will never get a girl again with that intensity and just purely emptiness inside you. Where the fudge did it all go wrong. Where? And you start blaming yourself, you feel sad, you cry, you don't feel you deserve better and you feel like all you can get is her.

And nothing else...

And the main, main question which bothered me in my head. How could she 'seemingly?' so easily step over 'OUR' feelings? I thought it was REAL! She promised me the world! And just 1 day after it was all gone, like it has ... .  never been there in the first place. That was putting a nail through my heart. I just couldn't understand. And then I started searching (came to this board) and went into shrink appointments (had 2 this week). My recovery has started.

I couldn't do anything anymore! I wasn't working, wasn't studying, wasn't eating properly, wasn't drinking properly, couldn't sleep properly, thought like I just had enough of all this pain and hours and hours of crying. I was not functioning ... and you know what, she couldn't understand why I just 'couldnt' move on ...  

Your in your worst part of recovery at the moment ... it seriously will only get better. Sometimes when you make 1 step forward, you have take 2 back before you can progress another 3! It's like peeling an onion. Every layer you are now trying to get rid off, is one helluva layer with deep scarred emotional pain. It'll be tough.

Use this board and seriously seek psychological help! Even if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for me and the others here on the board!

[HarmKrakow]

I'm here to learn.  Thank you for your honest posts.  This is why I joined this board.  To make sense of something I have been very used to dealing with for 12 years.

The collective experience here brings me up to speed very quickly.

By the way, since I'm obviously out with her, I sent her a final message.

It said:

1)  I would have done whatever you were looking for if you had just communicated your feelings to me.  (I know, a chump, but I would have)

2)  You have BPD.  She knows she has a mental illness.  It has been a central role in our lives for 12 years.  She is constantly struggling with it.  We were constantly struggling with it.  It was misdiagnosed as depression (before we met and for a year or two into the marriage), then Bipolar for a number of years, then PTSD for up to the present.  I told her to google BPD, Painting Black, Pedestal, etc... .  to see if it might help her later in life.  When she does snap back into C- (rather than Crazy C), she will likely look this stuff up.  

I found BPD by accident.  I was so stressed out over the way my 12 years with her ended with an abrupt change that happened overnight without any warning signs and a huge personality shift, that I just Googled that to see who may have gone through something similar, to see how I could deal with it.

Then BPD popped up everywhere.  The more I read about it and the more books I bought on it, the more I found she had nearly every symptom (and a known mental illness for as long as I've known her).  The only one she is missing is that self harm/cutting one.  She does really tear out zits and other imperfection on her skin/body, but that might be more OCD stuff, which she also has a touch of.  

Anyway, I gave her all the resources I can and suggested she go to counseling and that the Zoloft, while it did reduce the rage, isn't going to help the underlying BPD which is obviously stronger than ever.  

I hope that this helps her someday when she chooses to act upon it.

Well done on the final message to her and we can only hope that one day she will see the light

[TheRealSully]

Thanks, Harmkrakow. 

I'm trying.  This is definitely the hardest part. 

You want to know something really weird?  I had told my ex how BPD worked and shown her examples of how she had the behavior in different parts of her life.  I did this through unanswered texts and emails. 

She has this new Facebook now where she has amassed a collection of about 80 people she hasn't talked to in the 12 years I have known her.  People from high school.

In my BPD example, I used a friend of hers that she painted black and never spoke to again during our marriage.

Well, wouldn't you know it, the friend she painted black is now on Facebook too with everyone else she has ever known in her life.  Including some high school boyfriends, but none from her adult life. 

Interesting... .   

But yes, I'm struggling badly.  I'd like to leave this area where I came to in order to save my marriage (and where she is now living with the new guy), but I don't even know where to go. 

I'm not sure I can go NC because she is reading every single thing I sent to her, proven by her reaching out to people I reminded her that she painted black. 

Maybe mine has a small "painted black" list of like 6 people and doesn't have room for an infinite number of them.  It's odd that me and her other adult boyfriends are on this black list, but ones from her high school years are not.  Also that she took a couple people off of it when I reminded her of her painting them black. 

Weird stuff... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks, Harmkrakow. 

I'm trying.  This is definitely the hardest part. 

You want to know something really weird?  I had told my ex how BPD worked and shown her examples of how she had the behavior in different parts of her life.  I did this through unanswered texts and emails. 

She has this new Facebook now where she has amassed a collection of about 80 people she hasn't talked to in the 12 years I have known her.  People from high school.

In my BPD example, I used a friend of hers that she painted black and never spoke to again during our marriage.

Well, wouldn't you know it, the friend she painted black is now on Facebook too with everyone else she has ever known in her life.  Including some high school boyfriends, but none from her adult life. 

Interesting... .   

But yes, I'm struggling badly.  I'd like to leave this area where I came to in order to save my marriage (and where she is now living with the new guy), but I don't even know where to go. 

I'm not sure I can go NC because she is reading every single thing I sent to her, proven by her reaching out to people I reminded her that she painted black. 

Maybe mine has a small "painted black" list of like 6 people and doesn't have room for an infinite number of them.  It's odd that me and her other adult boyfriends are on this black list, but ones from her high school years are not.  Also that she took a couple people off of it when I reminded her of her painting them black. 

Weird stuff... .  

If you have the chance to move. Move. I am currently preparing a move as well as I don't want to even SEE(!) places where everything between the two of us was still fine while in reality it was all a pure lie.

And why can't you go NC? She is reading every single thing you sent to her? But why are you sending stuff to her?

[Changed4safety]

I know that if I didn't move I would have gone back to him.  I moved 1,000 miles away, and it STILL took 6 months to end it after it ended... .  which makes sense if you know about recycling. 

I am now forced to deal with being completely alone in a new place, and I work at home, so I'm very isolated.  But it's a lot better than being in the same city with him, with many of the same friends and the temptation to get back together. 

[TheRealSully]

If you have the chance to move. Move. I am currently preparing a move as well as I don't want to even SEE(!) places where everything between the two of us was still fine while in reality it was all a pure lie.

And why can't you go NC? She is reading every single thing you sent to her? But why are you sending stuff to her?

Hmmm... .    I guess I am not moving and not going NC because I still have some kind of hope.  Damn.  Weak, weak, WEAK! 

I want to move like you are suggesting too, but I have some severe complications.  I'm only in this area (Fort Lauderdale/Miami) because this is where she was when she flipped out.  I was trying to save my marriage here. 

Then, I was divorced here.  However, this is a major area for boating, which is my career.  I will certainly be back.  Also, I have a very large boat build in progress in North Florida, where I have been working for 3 years full time on it.  It's nearly done.  She chose this boat as our life goal/dream out of several things, then abandoned it and me, taking the funds to complete it.  I will *always* be reminded of her with the boat, though I can probably get over it.  I need to finish that boat because that is also my main career... .  I take rich people on vacation on boats for a living. 

So, I have that reminder.  Then, the last time she ran off was in Maine.  She ruined that state.  We lived in Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Maine, New York City, New Jersey, and Florida.  All ruined from that perspective. 

I am trying to find ways to come up with the shortfall I have to complete the boat created by her draining our joint checking account.  I need some good paying work and would go anywhere for it.  There are possibly some boat jobs here in Fort Lauderdale, but I haven't found any yet.  I do have a couple of temporary, fast money making gigs coming up through February here, so I am tempted to stay for them, but I would jump at the opportunity to go to TX or somewhere for a year or so to work and get that money she drained from our bank back up.

Anyway, she has ruined the entire East Coast.  Plus, San Diego, Dallas/Ft Worth, Montreal, Curacao and Bonaire. 

[TheRealSully]

I know that if I didn't move I would have gone back to him.  I moved 1,000 miles away, and it STILL took 6 months to end it after it ended... .  which makes sense if you know about recycling. 

I am now forced to deal with being completely alone in a new place, and I work at home, so I'm very isolated.  But it's a lot better than being in the same city with him, with many of the same friends and the temptation to get back together. 

How do you deal with that isolation?  I am extremely isolated too.  I have no friends from being with her for 12 years.  I have no co-workers, unless they have been people I have hired.  I have no office and no other social outlet.  I'm completely solitary.

What are you doing to meet new people, especially romantically, that may replace the BPD ex? 

I've tried online dating sites, but to be honest... .  I'm a guy, I'm in shape and I have some standards.  Those sites seem to be filled with people I am not a good match with.  I get eHarmony matches and messages all day long and I haven't responded to any of them.  Everyone is really overweight or really old they send me.  Same with Plenty of Fish.  Overweight.  I'm a health nut, exercising, Whole Foods eating type of guy.  These people are not. 

[HarmKrakow]

I know that if I didn't move I would have gone back to him.  I moved 1,000 miles away, and it STILL took 6 months to end it after it ended... .  which makes sense if you know about recycling. 

I am now forced to deal with being completely alone in a new place, and I work at home, so I'm very isolated.  But it's a lot better than being in the same city with him, with many of the same friends and the temptation to get back together. 

How do you deal with that isolation?  I am extremely isolated too.  I have no friends from being with her for 12 years.  I have no co-workers, unless they have been people I have hired.  I have no office and no other social outlet.  I'm completely solitary.

What are you doing to meet new people, especially romantically, that may replace the BPD ex? 

I've tried online dating sites, but to be honest... .  I'm a guy, I'm in shape and I have some standards.  Those sites seem to be filled with people I am not a good match with.  I get eHarmony matches and messages all day long and I haven't responded to any of them.  Everyone is really overweight or really old they send me.  Same with Plenty of Fish.  Overweight.  I'm a health nut, exercising, Whole Foods eating type of guy.  These people are not. 

Your not the only one isolated. I'm currently living in a small city in a rural area where I don't know anyone :D. Isolation to the key, loneliness and no friends to go to because you mostly killed them off during the relationship with the significant other. How to deal with it? Well... to deal with the main core problem. Moving, dating other people are already like step 5 and 8 in the recovery process. Steps which won't (!) work unless you have done the steps in the beginning.

Detachment of your ex-wife, and that will take a while, untill then any rebound within the first week will feel like a 1) major dissapointment, if that person has no BPD it wont be able to give you the crazy intense level as your ex-wife did and 2) it will only want you to go back to your ex wife EVEN more ...

My idea, focus on yourself. This relationship with her there was little to no focus on you therealsully. Let's have that guy in the main picture for a while! Be proud of you who are and what you achieved. Seek help with a shrink and throw everything on the table. The more you want her back and the more you seek contact the more she will want to go away from you i'm afraid.

My shrink said that the biggest chance for any BPDer to get back to you is when you have everything under control again.

[Changed4safety]

I know that if I didn't move I would have gone back to him.  I moved 1,000 miles away, and it STILL took 6 months to end it after it ended... .  which makes sense if you know about recycling. 

I am now forced to deal with being completely alone in a new place, and I work at home, so I'm very isolated.  But it's a lot better than being in the same city with him, with many of the same friends and the temptation to get back together. 

How do you deal with that isolation?  I am extremely isolated too.  I have no friends from being with her for 12 years.  I have no co-workers, unless they have been people I have hired.  I have no office and no other social outlet.  I'm completely solitary.

What are you doing to meet new people, especially romantically, that may replace the BPD ex? 

I've tried online dating sites, but to be honest... .  I'm a guy, I'm in shape and I have some standards.  Those sites seem to be filled with people I am not a good match with.  I get eHarmony matches and messages all day long and I haven't responded to any of them.  Everyone is really overweight or really old they send me.  Same with Plenty of Fish.  Overweight.  I'm a health nut, exercising, Whole Foods eating type of guy.  These people are not. 

Okay, I'm laughing out loud, because I think the same thing when I look at my "matches" on dating sites!    Quite literally 9 out of 10 of my e-Harmony dates are "Well, he doesn't meet what you said you wanted, but give him a look anyway!".    I am almost 50 but I easily look 10 years younger and have interests that most people my age don't share.  I have changed my profile to reflect that I am on a pause from dating until I figure out what my issue is.  I want the next time I dive into the dating waters to be my last dive; no more years of bad relationships for me!  My relationship finally really ended late December, and I've been living in another state since May.   Before that, was married to someone who turned out to be profoundly transgendered... .  stuck with that marriage for 17 years, 15 of which were celibate.  So I guess I have my BPDex to thank for getting me out of that one (open relationship, no cheating, btw.)  

I am hardly a model for what to be doing, as I am a real introvert to begin with, but I offer it anyway.  I am trying to reconnect with the friends I alienated over the years.  Many of them busted their butts to move me out (the first move, locally) in a weekend while my exBPD was out of town.  It was a horrible thing--I can't tell you how much it ripped me up to do it, but with his history of violence, I had to.  I've sent them all thank you cards and am working on being in better touch.  I have another friend who couldn't deal with the relationship and me for several years--I am going to contact her too.  My father died in Dec. 2011 and so I am also trying to be closer to my mom (whose alcoholism sadly sowed the seeds for my dysfunctional relationships) and my siblings.  

I am taking yoga classes, and have signed up for every Meetup that sparks my interest in a 50 mile radius (I live 40 miles from a major city).  Male, female, single, married, I just am looking for people to do things with so I don't have to go out to a restaurant alone all the time.   Also looking for a group to sing with.  

My landlord is a friend, and I adore his family, so we often get together for movie nights or dinner.  

Hope some of those suggestions help.  And you confirmed my suspicions about your username!  BONES is a great show!  

[Changed4safety]

Also, as I said elsewhere, learning to like/love myself.  I am SO externally focused I have to play a little game with myself and act as if I am "courting" me.  I do the things I used to do for him or wanted to do for him to show him how much he was in my thoughts for myself now.  I catch myself every time I start beating up on myself.  It's really been quite lovely.  I'm a pretty awesome partner to have!