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Author Topic: Would you warn others about your ex bf/gf w BPD?  (Read 6901 times)
HarmKrakow
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« on: January 23, 2013, 12:16:22 PM »

Simple question really.

Your significant other with BPD breaks up with you and leaves you rotten in the gutter. Steps over your feelings as they were non-existent. Oke, most of us reached that point. Than we figure out that our significant others are dating someone else.

The simple question would be; would you warn them? For the main reason that you don't want other people to suffer the way you did. It can even be done by a simple email (or link to this forum).

Would I?

The way I think about it right now, is yes. I would. 100%. I would not want anyone to share the pain, tears and crying i've endured the last few months. None. Nobody. And if I can help others by preventing of making the same mistake I would do so. I know it might touch to a 'selfish' point; as in who are you to still have influence on his/her life? But is it really a weird idea as a human being that you want to warn others for possible issues along the way? Especially knowing, first hand(!), how difficult it is to ignore all the 2539.4 million  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) in such a relationship?
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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2013, 12:31:42 PM »

Chances are that the new person is enjoying being on the pedestal right now and they wouldn't believe you.  And YOU':) look like the nutty one.

turtle

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findinghappiness
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« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2013, 12:33:41 PM »

Harmkrakow,,

I totally understand what you are saying and I agree with you in wanting to warn the 'new fool'.  However, take a step back to when your relationship with the BPDp was new and fresh and exciting. What would you have done if you received an email or text or phone call from a previous victim?  

I can speak from my own experience and what I would have done. Looking back as most of us do, there were plenty of red flags from ex's, friends of the BPDp, etc.  I chose to ignore them all.  I thought her ex's were just jealous, and her friends were jealous of the time we were spending together.  Now looking back they were all trying to help me see the true person she was.

So no matter what you would do or even could do if you knew who the 'new fool' is, I honestly don't think it would matter in the least.  Unfortunately he or she will have to learn for themselves, just like the rest of us.  We will have another message board member shortly.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2013, 12:36:37 PM »

Chances are that the new person is enjoying being on the pedestal right now and they wouldn't believe you.  And YOU':) look like the nutty one.

turtle

Of course Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm not saying I will, I just feel as of this point I would have the urge of doing so. I also believe that not everyone would be fooled for months or even years to come. Some it takes 3 months, some 30, and some 300 months.

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2013, 12:41:48 PM »

Harmkrakow,,

I totally understand what you are saying and I agree with you in wanting to warn the 'new fool'.  However, take a step back to when your relationship with the BPDp was new and fresh and exciting. What would you have done if you received an email or text or phone call from a previous victim?  

I truly do think I would have cut contact and chose money for my eggs. I seriously mean that, thats the way I would feel right now. Because I didn't have friends who showed me any signs of the red  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) atleast 1 year after we were already a couple!

Excerpt
I can speak from my own experience and what I would have done. Looking back as most of us do, there were plenty of red flags from ex's, friends of the BPDp, etc.  I chose to ignore them all.  I thought her ex's were just jealous, and her friends were jealous of the time we were spending together.  Now looking back they were all trying to help me see the true person she was.

So no matter what you would do or even could do if you knew who the 'new fool' is, I honestly don't think it would matter in the least.  Unfortunately he or she will have to learn for themselves, just like the rest of us.  We will have another message board member shortly.

I still think, I might give it a try. Again, I don't wish any other to share the same mental pain I went through. It's one the reasons why I'm writing this all down in a book form and will show it to everyone whose interested in it. This ... no more. If i can only save a few people not to fall in the trap of a BPDer, i'd already feel like the entire experience with BPD didnt just drag me down but also helped other people to stand up again. So far the whole BPD experience with my gf has only given me ___ 
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« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2013, 01:15:45 PM »

Hi harmkrakow,

Of course Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm not saying I will, I just feel as of this point I would have the urge of doing so. I also believe that not everyone would be fooled for months or even years to come. Some it takes 3 months, some 30, and some 300 months.

5 minutes later... .  

I still think, I might give it a try. Again, I don't wish any other to share the same mental pain I went through. It's one the reasons why I'm writing this all down in a book form and will show it to everyone whose interested in it. This ... no more. If i can only save a few people not to fall in the trap of a BPDer, i'd already feel like the entire experience with BPD didnt just drag me down but also helped other people to stand up again. So far the whole BPD experience with my gf has only given me ___  

It might be a good idea to work through your feelings about the break up a little more before trying to save anyone else from experiencing the same fate... .  

I, personally, am very happy to have been in more than 1 disordered relationship.  Not because I'm a masochist or anything, but because it took being in a relationship of this nature to dig deep within to find out who I am capable of being.  Call it the School of Hard Knocks or whatever you'd like, but I would be more upset that some old flame was tracking me down to 'warn' me about the person I was with.  I would think the person was a jilted lover.  Still would feel that way, even knowing everything I know about BPD.  I would suspect that the person calling me has some unresolved issues.  How did they track me down?  Are they a stalker?  I'd feel really uncomfortable and scared.

You're not alone in wanting to warn her partner that BPD exists.  This topic comes up frequently on here.  Thinking about doing it is one thing, following through is another.  The thing is, we ended up in a relationship like this for a reason.  We were attracted to it somehow.  We need to figure out why.  It's something that we as individuals need to figure out.  Not be told by somebody's ex, even with the best of intentions... .  

Get the focus off your ex and her new partner; what they're doing is their business.  Put the focus on minding your own business Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2013, 01:23:29 PM »

Hi harmkrakow,

Of course Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm not saying I will, I just feel as of this point I would have the urge of doing so. I also believe that not everyone would be fooled for months or even years to come. Some it takes 3 months, some 30, and some 300 months.

5 minutes later... .  

I still think, I might give it a try. Again, I don't wish any other to share the same mental pain I went through. It's one the reasons why I'm writing this all down in a book form and will show it to everyone whose interested in it. This ... no more. If i can only save a few people not to fall in the trap of a BPDer, i'd already feel like the entire experience with BPD didnt just drag me down but also helped other people to stand up again. So far the whole BPD experience with my gf has only given me ___  

It might be a good idea to work through your feelings about the break up a little more before trying to save anyone else from experiencing the same fate... .  

I, personally, am very happy to have been in more than 1 disordered relationship.  Not because I'm a masochist or anything, but because it took being in a relationship of this nature to dig deep within to find out who I am capable of being.  Call it the School of Hard Knocks or whatever you'd like, but I would be more upset that some old flame was tracking me down to 'warn' me about the person I was with.  I would think the person was a jilted lover.  Still would feel that way, even knowing everything I know about BPD.  I would suspect that the person calling me has some unresolved issues.  How did they track me down?  Are they a stalker?  I'd feel really uncomfortable and scared.

You're not alone in wanting to warn her partner that BPD exists.  This topic comes up frequently on here.  Thinking about doing it is one thing, following through is another.  The thing is, we ended up in a relationship like this for a reason.  We were attracted to it somehow.  We need to figure out why.  It's something that we as individuals need to figure out.  Not be told by somebody's ex, even with the best of intentions... .  

Get the focus off your ex and her new partner; what they're doing is their business.  Put the focus on minding your own business Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

You are absolutely right Smiling (click to insert in post) And yeah, it's a thin line between wanting or willing to warn someone else. I mean, simple example, when I look at my friends their girlfriend or boyfriend, i do know watch out for strong  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) signals. Smiling (click to insert in post) Not that any of them show these signs, thankfully the BPD population is not that big, but still. I've build up quite the warning alarm in my head.

And maybe this is also part of the detachment of such a relationship. Letting go, also in regards of someone else falling in the same trap. I btw. know perfectly well why I fell in the trap of BPD. Some sort of lonely child/abandoned child (my BPD gf) combination with me seeing this beautiful girl as the crown of everything that was going good at the time (great work, friends, great everything!)
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hithere
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« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2013, 02:07:18 PM »

Turtle is right, they will probably think you are crazy and just ignore whatever you say.  This also might result in reprisals from you exBPD, she could start contacting your friends or future love interests.

Really it is beyond your responsibility and control, it will probably just hold you back from moving on.

Anyways this subject has been covered quite extensively in the past, try the search feature to read more.
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myself
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« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2013, 02:57:24 PM »

The only person I'd want to warn, and this would mean going back in time which is not possible, would be Myself. And guess what? I most likely wouldn't listen to myself about it, either, being too much in love back then (honeymoon phase). Plus: I wouldn't have learned some of the important lessons I've been going through. So even if I did walk out of this last relationship much earlier, I may have found myself in another just like it. Getting to where we don't even have to warn ourselves is where we'll be our best.
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turtle
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« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2013, 03:04:41 PM »

Getting to where we don't even have to warn ourselves is where we'll be our best.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2013, 03:19:57 PM »

100% NO!

Major  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) on someone walking in and try to "warn" me without me asking or knowing them. This would be right out scary with someone thinking they can justify to cross my boundaries of personal life. Very much like a BPD would. It would mean this person takes their feelings and consider them as facts.

I'm sorry for being so harsh, but this really would be my reaction. I'm an adjlt with my own responsabilities. It's like telling parents how they should raise their kids, because you know better than them.
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Newton
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« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2013, 03:41:41 PM »

harmkrakow... .  i posted an almost identical response to someone a week ... .  ish ago... .  this feeling arises a lot on leaving (T-shirt in my closet!... .  well worn   )... .  

I'd suggest some reading on "drama triangles"... .  specifically the "persecutor role" in response to your thread topic.
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« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2013, 06:24:40 PM »

[W]ould you warn them? For the main reason that you don't want other people to suffer the way you did. It can even be done by a simple email (or link to this forum).

No. As the rejected party, I do have a dog in this fight.  Any protestations of desire to protect someone to the contrary, there is no way I could assure myself or anyone else that I'm not motivated by resentment and vindictiveness. I'm not willing to risk damage to my own credibility.

At the beginning, I disregarded the warnings of several people (for example, my T, my Al-Anon sponsor, and myself).  I couldn't save myself from my own suffering.
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« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2013, 06:25:46 PM »

I couldn't save myself from my own suffering.

Although, in a sense, I did ultimately.
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« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2013, 06:49:35 PM »

Nope. No one could have talked me out of my relationship with my exBPD fiancé. People tried. I ignored them. I ignored the major red flags.

I did some cyber snooping today (I know bad idea). My ex is dating a hipster. We used to make fun of hipsters (no offense to anyone). He posted a pic of him wearing a big huge fur coat at a club with his new hipster girl. What the heck is that about? Oh wait mirroring. And I bet she is eating it up the same way I did when we would put on our boots and go two stepping! Ha
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nowwhatz
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« Reply #15 on: January 23, 2013, 07:04:59 PM »

Simple question really.

Your significant other with BPD breaks up with you and leaves you rotten in the gutter. Steps over your feelings as they were non-existent. Oke, most of us reached that point. Than we figure out that our significant others are dating someone else.

The simple question would be; would you warn them? For the main reason that you don't want other people to suffer the way you did. It can even be done by a simple email (or link to this forum).

Would I?

The way I think about it right now, is yes. I would. 100%. I would not want anyone to share the pain, tears and crying i've endured the last few months. None. Nobody. And if I can help others by preventing of making the same mistake I would do so. I know it might touch to a 'selfish' point; as in who are you to still have influence on his/her life? But is it really a weird idea as a human being that you want to warn others for possible issues along the way? Especially knowing, first hand(!), how difficult it is to ignore all the 2539.4 million  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) in such a relationship?

I did just that last sep when my BPDexgf got with another guy soon after our 'breakup.'  Although I know he thought I was crazy it did contribute to their quick 'breakup'... .  (although she is trying to recycle him right now Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))... .  the only reason I did it was to retaliate towards my exgf
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Newton
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« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2013, 07:12:46 PM »

yup... .  persecutor role... .  drama triangle... .  

there are lessons here or google it... .  
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Wooddragon
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« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2013, 08:27:07 PM »

I was warned in different ways by his friends, his daughter & he even warned me himself! "I'm broken, there's something NQR with me" etc etc. of course I assumed that the others were jealous & my own infatuation told me that he was wrong.

I have occasionally been tempted to contact other exes (he had all their numbers still in his phone & I know who some of them are) in order to compare notes, but since they have (hopefully) moved on, and i can pretty much guess what their experiences would have been, it is not something I would actually do... .  

My T is currently warning me about the contact I'm still having with him! Shows how unlikely it would have been for me to have listened to anyone during the "honeymoon"!
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« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2013, 09:24:50 PM »

I would suggest putting a Big Red "B" on their forehead to warn all others.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

But my inner cynic says . . .  naaaawwww.  Let them find out on their own.

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« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2013, 09:33:47 PM »

BPD can be vindictive and even violent. If they get wind of your meddling in what they might feel is their one last chance of happiness... .  the gates of hell could open upon you.

And who knows... .  Maybe it will work for them. Move on.
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« Reply #20 on: January 23, 2013, 09:38:38 PM »

It sounds simple however it really isn’t!

In short – I was warned and I didn’t listen – that pedestal felt good!

Think back the beginning of your relationship harm – it felt great and you may not have listened to what others might say.

Excerpt
The way I think about it right now, is yes. I would. 100%. I would not want anyone to share the pain, tears and crying i've endured the last few months. None. Nobody.

You may not see it now but this ex of yours is a blessing disguise.

Everyone needs to learn there own lessons – yes it can be painful however we are not responsible for saving others from pain! They need to figure it out themselves.

Excerpt
how difficult it is to ignore all the 2539.4 million   in such a relationship?

Great point!

Why did you ignore them?
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Wooddragon
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« Reply #21 on: January 23, 2013, 10:40:16 PM »

I would suggest putting a Big Red "B" on their forehead to warn all others.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hee! I imagine mine walking around with "TMT" tattoed on his... .  "too much trouble"
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« Reply #22 on: January 23, 2013, 11:56:12 PM »

During an argument with my exBPDgf, she muttered that "all the others would leave" meaning the other men in her life had left without much delay when she would rage.  I, on the other hand, was ignorant enough to think I was the one that caused the pain in the relationship.  I'm a slow learner but I figured her out eventually!  I'm six months free of the conflict and moving on!  It feels really good.  I had forgotten how it felt to look forward to a day of work and play!  As for the next guy, I wish him luck and will ship him a helmet if he wants one!
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« Reply #23 on: January 24, 2013, 12:44:09 AM »

If my house were broken into, I'd likely warn my neighbors as a courtesy that someone is running amuck and to be extra safe.

But, When I involve myself in a romantic r/s, then have a messy break up, I don't think it's my job to meddle. It's not my place, it looks like sour grapes and immaturity on my part.

People have life experiences; some of those will include difficult relationships and broken hearts and tears. This is unavoidable, if you walk the earth you will at times feel pain, you will shed some tears.   It's not your job to protect people from life experience and life lessons.

Focus on your own life lessons.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #24 on: January 24, 2013, 03:35:00 AM »

It sounds simple however it really isn’t!

In short – I was warned and I didn’t listen – that pedestal felt good!

Think back the beginning of your relationship harm – it felt great and you may not have listened to what others might say.

Excerpt
The way I think about it right now, is yes. I would. 100%. I would not want anyone to share the pain, tears and crying i've endured the last few months. None. Nobody.

You may not see it now but this ex of yours is a blessing disguise.

Everyone needs to learn there own lessons – yes it can be painful however we are not responsible for saving others from pain! They need to figure it out themselves.

Excerpt
how difficult it is to ignore all the 2539.4 million   in such a relationship?

Great point!

Why did you ignore them?

Maybe it's a litte weird from my side but i really believe that if someone would have tried to convince me tbis is no good, i might have ended this prematurely.

And yeah, I didn't see the red flags until I was already lowering my boundaries to accept her worse abusive behavior every day.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #25 on: January 24, 2013, 03:40:32 AM »

If my house were broken into, I'd likely warn my neighbors as a courtesy that someone is running amuck and to be extra safe.

But, When I involve myself in a romantic r/s, then have a messy break up, I don't think it's my job to meddle. It's not my place, it looks like sour grapes and immaturity on my part.

People have life experiences; some of those will include difficult relationships and broken hearts and tears. This is unavoidable, if you walk the earth you will at times feel pain, you will shed some tears.   It's not your job to protect people from life experience and life lessons.

Focus on your own life lessons.

To be honest, and i've been in broken normal r/s, a break up in such relationship is from a complete different magnitude than a BPD r/s.

That sort of pain is not even close to a 1/10000000th of the pain of a BPD r/s.

It looks like sour grapes when you don't want anyone to enjoy your ex knowing their relationship can be fine. However with a BPD it would more of a warning no?
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« Reply #26 on: January 24, 2013, 03:47:05 AM »

I see where you are coming from that with BPD it would be more of a warning... .  but where would we draw the line?... .  their next partner... .  the one after that?... .  so and and so forth.  Just how many people can we 'save'... .  why is it our responsibility?

We have the power to stop the drama, and conversations or "warnings" to potential suitors is feeding that drama... .  not reducing it... .  I learnt this the hard way.

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« Reply #27 on: January 24, 2013, 04:16:14 AM »

I find this question interesting because its something I recently did.

My exuBPDgf met someone about 7 weeks ago. I dont know him but he knows a good friend of mine so when I found out I asked my friend to give him a friendly text message stating that he should maybe tread carefully with her. He replied saying he.d already been told to be careful by someone else and that hes good at working people out so dont worry about him.

I heard last week hes been n booked a 2 grand summer holiday for them and her 2 kids. Oh dear.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #28 on: January 24, 2013, 04:27:03 AM »

I see where you are coming from that with BPD it would be more of a warning... .  but where would we draw the line?... .  their next partner... .  the one after that?... .  so and and so forth.  Just how many people can we 'save'... .  why is it our responsibility?

We have the power to stop the drama, and conversations or "warnings" to potential suitors is feeding that drama... .  not reducing it... .  I learnt this the hard way.

How about we save 1 for starters Smiling (click to insert in post) If we would all do that, we would already save the world tons of misery. If I had a choice years back, I would have rather not ended up with a BPD person and never had to visit this board. However, as of this moment it's daily ritual. If I could just save 1 person from the misery I went into, just 1, i of course hope for more but 1 would be good for starters Smiling (click to insert in post)

To me it has nothing to do with life experience or other of that bull. Why? Look at how much crushed souls have come to this place, some had 20 years marriages lost because of a BPD person, and went in complete financial and emotional drainage. Ended up in the gutter. The pain from a broken BPD r/s is far more complex and deeper than the scars of a normal relationship. And believe me, I've been there. I've been in 'normal' relationships 3 times and once in a BPD.

I'm not saying society should abandon BPD persons, or alienate them, but some of them are seriously on a wreckage/havoc tour to destroy other people and it's super hard to not see the signals the VERY first time you hit into a BPD relationship if you haven't heard anything about it. I've already had enough psychological visits to be 100% certain that I will never enter this trap again, ever, and I continue visits with my shrink purely for the sake of not falling in this trap again and make a list of all the red flags. The majority of my friends also know about borderline at the moment, and they were like (as most of em already knew about the illness) that it is nearly impossible to have a healthy long term relationship. Let alone get kids, married etc.

Of course you can go in long term treatment with your BPD person, and yeah, medication, all that sort of stuff, all to maintain that high level of intensity in the R/S. However, is it worth going through that immense pain again? Not in a million years, BPDers are in my opinion like drugs, hard to resist, while 'digesting' them you are on a high like never before, however they digested you and the detox is hell.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #29 on: January 24, 2013, 04:28:59 AM »

I find this question interesting because its something I recently did.

My exuBPDgf met someone about 7 weeks ago. I dont know him but he knows a good friend of mine so when I found out I asked my friend to give him a friendly text message stating that he should maybe tread carefully with her. He replied saying he.d already been told to be careful by someone else and that hes good at working people out so dont worry about him.

I heard last week hes been n booked a 2 grand summer holiday for them and her 2 kids. Oh dear.

A text with 'maybe be careful' wouldnt bring the message completely?  Maybe writing something in the field of BPD would have rang a bell. Or let him read the 'how a BPD relationship evolves + a list of all the red flags'.  
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