Is it wrong to want her new relationship to fail?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ever since we broke up, and she got with someone the very next day, ive been wanting her relationship to fail, did our R/S mean nothing to her? how could she move on so quick after we were engaged? Id love to wipe the smug look of her current boyfriend, he knew it hurt me her moving on with him and he rubbed in in my face.

Is it wrong to want them to have the problems she gave us? Although a part of me does want her to be happy, it scares me that she will be this perfect girlfriend with him, because thats what she is without the BPD, she is sexy, funny, intimate, caring, thoughtful. Im so jelouse he has that and that her step child is now calling him daddy instead of me and i dont even get to see him anymore! they have been together 3 months and seem so happy.

Ive been L/C for 2 months now and N/C for nearly a month, but its making me miss her more! I though N/C was supposed to help me move on, so why is it making me think of her even more?

I Know i should focus on myself and forget about her/them but it scares me he is going to have the life i wanted with her.

[trevjim]

Ever since we broke up, and she got with someone the very next day, ive been wanting her relationship to fail, did our R/S mean nothing to her? how could she move on so quick after we were engaged? Id love to wipe the smug look of her current boyfriend, he knew it hurt me her moving on with him and he rubbed in in my face.

Is it wrong to want them to have the problems she gave us? Although a part of me does want her to be happy, it scares me that she will be this perfect girlfriend with him, because thats what she is without the BPD, she is sexy, funny, intimate, caring, thoughtful. Im so jelouse he has that and that her step child is now calling him daddy instead of me and i dont even get to see him anymore! they have been together 3 months and seem so happy.

Ive been L/C for 2 months now and N/C for nearly a month, but its making me miss her more! I though N/C was supposed to help me move on, so why is it making me think of her even more?

I Know i should focus on myself and forget about her/them but it scares me he is going to have the life i wanted with her.

[Changed4safety]

I wrestle with that too.  With me, he "worked through" his hatred of the woman before me (by treating me worse than he had ever treated anyone, basically displacing his anger onto me.)  I let him cheat, I let him break things, I let him physically hurt me.  He had a massive "change of heart" after my father died and "realized" I was The One, just as he had always thought, but I was too shell-shocked by my father's passing and everything that had gone on with my exBPD before then.  I couldn't do it. 

Since being with me, he's had therapy, proper medication, proper health care, and someone to completely take care of him from necessities to fun things for his myriad and expensive hobbies.  He refused to get a job, kept claiming he was "looking" but I knew better.  Now he has a job, he has a whole new circle of friends and is the life of the party, able to stand on his own and feel good bout himself.  He's even treated me better. 

I'd held out hope that this would translate into us working... .  but there is just too much that's gone one, and too much fear, and too much risk not just emotionally but financially and physically. 

So now he's financially supporting himself, is more stable, on better medications, and has worked through a lot of issues with me as his punching back.

I, too, think the girl after me is going to get a better deal than I did.  I could get him "back" by asking, but we're too broken to work.  If we had just met now, maybe things would be different.

That's what I wrestle with.  A foolish waste of my time and energy, but I do understand how you feel.

[trevjim]

Yeh I keep thinking she will either get a hold of her BPD behaviors or he will be able to deal with them better. also we went through so much hardships that they won't have to go through, even simple things like we didn't have a dishwasher until a week before we split and I bought one with my birthday money, and now they do, its trivial but it plays on my mind.

[Changed4safety]

All those who know about these things say not to think that way, not just because it doesn't help our recovery, but because it isn't true.  He's better because I'm not there to trigger him.  Once he finds the new "great love of his life," he'll find problems unique to her that trigger him, and it'll all start all over again in a completely different but equally destructive way.  He is not getting therapy for BPD, so he is not getting what he needs to get better.  He's 30 and I'm 49; it's possible, my therapist, that he might get a bit better as he ages in 5 or 10 years.  I don't have that long to wait to be happy!

I still miss him, though.  Been feeling the tug to connect.  He's told me he's there any time I need someone to talk to.  But I can't risk leaning on him any more. 

[seeking balance]

Yeh I keep thinking she will either get a hold of her BPD behaviors or he will be able to deal with them better. also we went through so much hardships that they won't have to go through, even simple things like we didn't have a dishwasher until a week before we split and I bought one with my birthday money, and now they do, its trivial but it plays on my mind.

It is totally normal to have these thoughts as we grieve.  Honestly, it is normal. 

I went through so much with my ex, her NPD mother dying, father drinking himself literally to death after, her dissertation - so many big things - only for the relationship to end once her major family drama subsided.  My replacement (who was a mutual friend) will never have to deal with that stuff - and frankly it didn't feel fair.

In the bigger picture - this all was just pushing on my core issue from my FOO - not being enough.  No matter what I did was not going to be good enough - exactly the same as my mother.

NC is going to hurt because you are forced to grieve, but it will get better - honestly.

Focus deep on your emotions - let yourself feel sad... .  the entire process is sad.

Peace,

SB

[waitaminute]

I don't know who she is with. There was a long term connection with some guy that she even called her husband for awhile (though he was not). Maybe she is with him. He's got issues too. If he is the guy... .  or if it's some other guy that has the right stuff to help her, then that's the way it is. I can let it go knowing that I gave it my all... and unfortunately even gave what wasn't mine to give. I recognize that that by itself - giving all - could have been part of the problem. I didn't know any better way to try to help.

So having given "all" it's hard - but not too hard - to give up one more thing -her - to some guy that actually helps her... .  by giving less or by whatever means.  But I really don't know how she is doing.

I try to be more concerned with how I'm doing. And I tried to be concerned with how my ex wife, damaged and divorced because of this BPD person, is doing. But too much damage everywhere.

[Gaslit]

... .  it scares me that she will be this perfect girlfriend with him, because thats what she is without the BPD, she is sexy, funny, intimate, caring, thoughtful.

Mental Illnesses don't just go away. This is how she is at the beginning of ALL her relationships, yours too, remember? And then remember what happened? It WILL happen with this new guy as well.

What should scare you is that as soon as it starts to happen with new dude, she may very well be back, trying to recycle you. That is very common.

Prepare for how you will handle that. No need to believe she is magically all of a sudden perfect. She's not.

[GustheDog]

Hey trevjim,

This is tantamount to asking if it's wrong to want the sun to rise tomorrow morning.  I'm being intentionally glib here, but, truly, the outcome of her current "interaction" has already been written.  Maybe it'll last a while longer than your r/s did, maybe it'll hardly last at all.  It won't last forever.

It's not that you didn't mean anything to her - you most assuredly did.  You satisfied a need for her that's as essential to her continued existence (in her mind) as food or water.  She just isn't wired like you are - at all.

Here's an on-point post from 2010 (you should read her other posts as well):

"[T]he disorder is there in spite of what did or did not do. It's a personality disorder. It's going to need your acceptance to have you get beyond the bargaining stage that you can overcome it with molding yourself to the behavior of the disorder. When detaching, the bargaining stage is often a review time of what you feel you could have done differently with your own behavioral responses to the disorder- with the mistaken belief that is controllable. (The reality is that it's not.)

"Borderline is all about attachment and the false perceptions of control. The disorder is a belief system that involves persecution for the failure to be a "self." That belief system was in place long before you came onto the scene and it will also remain in place after you say your goodbyes. The fault does not lie in your hands- it is a disorder."

. . .

"When you separate yourself from the mix and look back at it- you will notice the previous partners and subsequent partners all got and will get the same treatment. It is a dis(order) that is a misnomer. It is actually an orderly thing, a pattern. Put the individual interactions together and see the result. No one wins. This is a key piece of evidence that cannot be denied. It also singles out the end of hope."

[benny2]

Yep be prepared. Mine lined one up before I moved, maybe even 2, but there was a women that was married to his best friend and they rekindled their so called friendship at his funeral. He comitted suicide. They would talk on the phone right in front of me. She appeared at his house the minute I moved out. He came back begging me for another chance because she was to opinionated, but they were just friends. Yeah right! I heard she was bringing him lunch to work, driving his truck around, he never let me drive his new truck. Not sure who he has lined up this time, possibly his ex, but as soon as the bomb drops, he will probably be back. Its crazy, but you can almost count on it.

Its so weird how all of us are going through and have gone through the exact same things. Each with individual people. It blows my mind. I'm still trying to absorb all this. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I feel sorry for everyone of us. I know they say misery loves company, but this is ridiculous . I think its taking my obsession off him and on this website. Does that mean I'm making progress?

[trouble11]

I feel sorry for everyone of us. I know they say misery loves company, but this is ridiculous . I think its taking my obsession off him and on this website. Does that mean I'm making progress?

It is, but on a good note I'm starting to have more feelings and empathy for people on this board than I do for him.  Does that mean I'm making progress?   

[Newton]

trevjim... .  I had precisely the same conflicted feelings you are experiencing... .  love and retribution... .  not a good mix.

Remember, the "sexy, funny, intimate, caring, thoughtful" parts of her have a rather bitter consequence... .  these are inseparable parts of who she is.  Untreated BPD means the same dynamic you experienced will play out with time in her new relationship.

We ARE a family here... .  we understand, protect and nurture each other  

[tailspin]

 

Their illness creates a blueprint for their life and the ending will always be the same.   This is the "self fulfilling prophecy"  that defines their relationship attachments; they don't believe themselves worthy of love and they sabotage their relationships to make it so.  The ending will always be the same and they often are compelled to control the demolition to give themselves a sense of comfort in this regard.  It ends badly and it's supposed to end badly.  Everything is the way it's supposed to be.

Wishing for those who have caused us such pain to have an unhappy ending is part of being human.  However, an unhappy ending will probably happen weather we wish it upon them or not.  You can call it karma or you can call it fate or you can call it the nature of the illness.  However, it may be helpful to your healing to wish them well, but this is entirely for you to decide. 

tailspin

[trevjim]

Their illness creates a blueprint for their life and the ending will always be the same.   This is the "self fulfilling prophecy"  that defines their relationship attachments; they don't believe themselves worthy of love and they sabotage their relationships to make it so.  The ending will always be the same and they often are compelled to control the demolition to give themselves a sense of comfort in this regard.  It ends badly and it's supposed to end badly.  Everything is the way it's supposed to be.

Wishing for those who have caused us such pain to have an unhappy ending is part of being human.  However, an unhappy ending will probably happen weather we wish it upon them or not.  You can call it karma or you can call it fate or you can call it the nature of the illness.  However, it may be helpful to your healing to wish them well, but this is entirely for you to decide. 

tailspin

the last time I spoke to her, I told her I was happy for her and that breaking up was good for both of us, gave her a hug and went on my way. so at least she feels I'm not hoping she fails in this relationship and I can try and deal with my feelings

[Newton]

So you gave her your "blessing" for happiness... .  and yet this isn't what you really want for her?... .  

[trevjim]

So you gave her your "blessing" for happiness... .  and yet this isn't what you really want for her?... .  

I spent a good few weeks fighting for her, telling her she is making a mistake and how much I lover her etc etc, all I got was her either ignoring me or saying some really horrible things about me and how much she loves the new guy. so in the end we met up to discuss some bills and ended up having a good catch up chat, and I just felt I'd leave it on good terms and start n/c and let us both get on with our lives.

[Newton]

That was very gracious of you... .  so where do you plan to disperse this anger and resentment?... .  It needs to go somewhere... .  do you run?... .  workout?... .  have a hobby you can direct this towards?... .  

[trevjim]

That was very gracious of you... .  so where do you plan to disperse this anger and resentment?... .  It needs to go somewhere... .  do you run?... .  workout?... .  have a hobby you can direct this towards?... .  

I work our a lot, always have and I love it, that seems to be my only outlet right now though

[turtle]

Hi trevjim!

It is not "wrong" for you to want her new relationship to fail.    You are still very raw in all of this.

The day will come where you won't even know if she's in another relationship.  And if by some chance you discover that she is, you won't be bothered by it.  You will just be grateful that it doesn't involve YOU!

However... .  that is not today.  Today... .  you are human and raw and hurting.  That is not "wrong," it just IS.

turtle

[Newton]

Me too  

That anger will take you to new places!... .  the burn will hurt like hell but it's all good  

We can choose to turn negative to positive  

[susanleona]

I was very jealous and wanted his new relationship to fail.  When I found out she was going to spend a weekend with him this was the last straw.  It reminded me of when I went.  The visit was difficult for me and I left early but our r/s continued long distance for a very long time.  At the point of hearing the replacement was going to finally visit I went completely n/c.  After her visit their r/s died.  My dreams come true!  I feel bad for him in a way but vindicated as well.