Another Friday night alone. (m)

[cookiecrumbled]

Sucks. 

[gina louise]

onetoughcookie



yes baby, it does. BAD. 

I wanna fall face first in a fresh home made batch of cookie dough. chocolate chip, with double chips.

that's my vice.

pint of ice cream, all for me- a close second.

your name made me go there!   

GL

[turtle]

Another way to look at it:

Grateful for another Friday night NOT in BPD hell.

turtle

[trouble11]

Damn it GL ... .  now I'm gonna have to stop at the store. 

[TheDude]

Another way to look at it:

Grateful for another Friday night NOT in BPD hell.

Even if not apparent 'hell', I can recall way too many nights of feeling alone, even when in the same room (or bed) together... .  

[Changed4safety]

Me too ><

[Rose Tiger]

I need to get some valentines sent out.  I have spaghetti in the freezer, maybe a nice salad to go with that, mmmm and some french bread.  I need to do my nails.  I wonder if there is anything on sale at Ann Taylor website?  Two whole days from work, halleluyah!  Choco chip cookies... .    Maybe I can bribe teen into making some.  I get to sleep in tomorrow!  I wonder if the new Madea movie has come in the mail yet.

Prior life.  Don't want to go home.  Stepdaughter will have made a mess in the kitchen.  She will have all her crud on the sofa as she surfs facebook and is watching some lame thing on tv.  Hubby will be in the basement watching military channel.  I don't want to go home.

[gina louise]

Oooh RoseT,

I'll play

"Hi!"

Present life- (wow, it IS a gift!) Peace and quiet, any move or channel I want on cable, hot cocoa, jammies and a firelog for the FP, cookie dough if I want it-real food if I don't... .  I can call any number of family or friends and speak freely, and my grand kids are right next door. I am pursuing a new and affirmative career path-got books to study and things to do, goals to acheive... .  Heaven!

Former life-can't call anyone and if I do I need to hide to speak freely, gotta  eat what he wants or he won't eat with me, won't even sit at the table if he's in a mood, he's commanding the remote, or his kids are... .  they blast the TV shows so loud I need earphones to listen to music with all the doors closed between us. If I read or go online I am " avoiding him" but he can surf NFL.com for 6 hours straight. god forbid I might trigger a rage. tiptoe, tiptoe. sleep's the only relief.

Ugh. what's to miss?

GL

[turtle]

I need to get some valentines sent out.  I have spaghetti in the freezer, maybe a nice salad to go with that, mmmm and some french bread.  I need to do my nails.  I wonder if there is anything on sale at Ann Taylor website?  Two whole days from work, halleluyah!  Choco chip cookies... .    Maybe I can bribe teen into making some.  I get to sleep in tomorrow!  I wonder if the new Madea movie has come in the mail yet.

Prior life.  Don't want to go home.  Stepdaughter will have made a mess in the kitchen.  She will have all her crud on the sofa as she surfs facebook and is watching some lame thing on tv.  Hubby will be in the basement watching military channel.  I don't want to go home.

LOVE the comparison.

Even if not apparent 'hell', I can recall way too many nights of feeling alone, even when in the same room (or bed) together... .  

And yes... .  this is a type of hell.  Being COMPLETELY alone when you're with someone is horrible.  Been there, done that... .  so glad I burned the T-shirt.

turtle

[turtle]

Oooh RoseT,

I'll play



Present life- (wow, it IS a gift!) Peace and quiet, any move or channel I want on cable, hot cocoa, jammies and a firelog for the FP, cookie dough if I want it-real food if I don't... .  I can call any number of family or friends and speak freely, and my grand kids are right next door. I am pursuing a new and affirmative career path-got books to study and things to do, goals to acheive... .  Heaven!

Former life-can't call anyone and if I do I need to hide to speak freely, gotta  eat what he wants or he won't eat with me, won't even sit at the table if he's in a mood, he's commanding the remote, or his kids are... .  they blast the TV shows so loud I need earphones to listen to music with all the doors closed between us. If I read or go online I am * avoiding him* but he can surf NFL.com for 6 hours straight. god forbid I might trigger a rage. tiptoe, tiptoe. sleep's the only relief.

Ugh. what's to miss?GL

Another GREAT comparison.  Yay for you GL.

[waitaminute]

present life: going to bed alone and waking up alone in the morning and going to work so that I can get a better job doing something I like at a place close to the ocean. Wondering if I'm gonna learn that song on my guitar well enough play at my friend's art exhibit. Working weekends so that I can relax when I want to during the week with a less hectic schedule. Making myself a better man for a woman who actually acts like she loves me.

past life: going to bed alone and waking up alone in the morning and going to work so that I can pay for her apartment and internet and phone that she uses to share her "presence" with other guys. Wondering where she's sleeping tonight. Working weekends to put in 40 hours in 4 days after the 10 hour flight back from her country where every month she treats me like ~e... ,... .  when she's not busy chatting with her special guy friend. Making myself a jealous, angry, not-very-much-fun guy.

[20years]

Hmmm am home alone and it yeah it gets a bit much sometimes I gotta agree... but either way am a lot happier

ohhhh its just wonderful not to be frightened living in fear anymore. I cooked myself a luvvvly meal and had two glasses of wine... .  hardly drank anything while I was with him... .  I could never allow myself to relax vicodin and tons of alcohol. Year in year out a lethal combination.

   

Friday and Saturday for me before was about his drunken violence. House getting trashed and if I didn't get out of the way quick enough it was me who would get hit with his fists or anything else that was handy to smash my face in.

 

[trouble11]

past life - Dinner together and them sitting on the couch watching an endless variety of ghost and/or alien shows.     Watching him make several trip to the bathroom with his cell phone ... .  knowing he's texting his ex and that if I call him on it he will gaslight me.  

present life - Who the hell cares ... .  smashing my fingers with a claw hammer would feel better than the past life.  Yet, I think I'll make Tuna Noodle (confort food)  and watch something remotely intelligent on TV, and play cell phone games with my friends.     It's all good.

[waitaminute]

tonight: gonna put on some thermal wear, boots, and gloves and take a walk in this new snow.

[20years]

wait a minute for me... .  waitaminute... .  I got meself some boots they sure are hardcore... .  so am coming with ya for a walk in the snow yeah sounds good to me yeah

awww you made me smile thanxs x

[lost007]

I'm with y'all. My st ex wife would be on couch on an iPad. With a passcode I'm not allowed to have. Her kids have it-hmmm. Or she may be texting on her phone with a passcode I'm not allowed to have. She may be looking at me so as to let me know she is spilling some dirt on me to someone. Or she may say you are the most wonderful man I have ever met. Kids you really need to respect your step dad. He does so much for us. Then someone may spill something. I may say its no problem. She may say don't speak for her or tell her how to feel. I may try and make the point that its all ok. It may make matters worse. So I'll go to living room alone. Hoping she hasn't been triggered. But she has been triggered. So she will say. All u do is watch tv. You are no help. Kids just look at him. Pathetic huh. Well no problem-ill just do housework on my own. I'll think-u don't work. I got u a massage today. While I worked. Like I do every day. So u can go to functions with your kids. And make excuses why the house is a wreck. Oh- I forgot. Your back hurts. You are nauseous. And you have a headache. And now I'm intimidated. So I will go to the bedroom. Get ready for bed. Watching some tv wasn't going to happen anyway. And u will come to bedroom and tell me I didn't tell your kids goodnight. And I will say was headed there shortly. And u will say forget it-if I have to remind you I would rather you just stay in here by yourself. I'll say ok. And I'll go to bed alone. You will sleep with your kids. So. Another Friday night alone. Was it ever any other way?  Really?

[myself]

First Friday night in quite awhile that I wasn't thinking too much about how 'I'm Alone Tonight'. Now I'm kind of thinking about it again. If my ex was here, it would be about her, what she wanted to talk about (or not talk about), what she wanted to do (or not do), etc. It would revolve around her moods, her attitude, her needs. We might have been having the greatest time together (getting TooClose though oh no!) and it turned on a dime and she moved out. I don't miss that uncertainty, it cut into actually having fun.

The night's still young enough tonight. Whatever else happens will be what I decide.

[gina louise]

I miss having someone-a special someone. I do.

And I am sad at having been fooled and mistreated in Love and my marriage.

BUT... .  wait for it... .  wait for it... .  

I gotta say while I miss having companionship and a person to snuggle with, hang with, watch TV and unwind with... .  I can't say I miss THAT person that was so unbelievably cruel to me.

it's like his good couldn't overcome his bad, in the end.

SO I am OK with being alone and a bit lonely for now. it beats the heck outta being bullied.

Now where's my cookie dough... .  

GL

[HarmKrakow]

Can we also add being alone on Saturday and Sunday there 2?

And yeah, I also felt the loneliness of me being alone while being with my gf w BPD.

[Rose Tiger]

Was I the only one that had choco cookies last night?    I fell asleep during Back to the Future while teen was making cookies.  I woke up and friends was on, Ross was saying "I take you Rachel" while getting married to Emily.  Whoops.  I started laughing when Rachel said to another guest, did he say Rachel?  Should I go up there? She was so funny on that show.

I slept until 8:00!  Dog was 'hey, it's about time you got up'.  I remember in my past life, hubby would wake up and I'd wonder, will he kiss me good morning?  I really wish he'd kiss me and give me a hug.  Nope.  He'd get up and leave the room.  Sigh.  Dog demands lots of petting the morning, he is so happy and smiling.  So much of the marriage was yearning for a touch, a kiss, a hug.  I was starved for affection.  I'm making scrambled eggs to put in the dog's kibble.  He will be so happy!

Teen makes the most excellent cookies.  She wanted to watch Back to the Future II late last night, I told her let's save that for tomorrow.  She loves those movies, they are pretty good.   I think I'll make a big pot of chili to freeze up in tupperwares for dinners during the week.