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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Can / Should you ever forgive a BPD ex  (Read 11046 times)
Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #30 on: July 04, 2014, 12:10:10 AM »

I think forgiveness helps us heal.  I also feel like I forgave him everything, went back to him, and ended up absolutely shattered again.  So forgiveness feels dangerous to me right now.  When I see that hurt, scared, vulnerable little boy in him I feel overwhelming tenderness towards him.  And those feelings hurt... .a lot.  Because he has no tenderness towards me.  I feel better when I'm angry at him.

Should we forgive them?  Yes, eventually, I think it's in our best interest.  I know I have a lot of healing and detaching to do before I get to that point. 
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enlighten me
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« Reply #31 on: July 04, 2014, 12:34:45 AM »

Personally I don't think you can forgive them fully.

You can understand that its not their fault that they behaved the way they did but as Emelie said forgiveness is dangerous. To fully forgive them means that your ok with what they did and Im not ok with it. I understand why they did it but I don't forgive them for it.

There are some things in life that are unforgivable. We shouldn't be trying to be saints who can forgive every wrong. We are not saints we are normal people and like a person with BPD we need to have a coping mechanism. We need to hold onto the fact that what they put us through cannot be forgiven so that we don't get sucked back in.

By saying its not their fault and you forgive them what are you really doing? Are you just keeping that door open to allow yourself to make the same mistakes again? Is it you being saintly or is it a small part of you that is willing to do anything just to be with them again?

The only person who deserves your forgiveness is you.
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Tausk
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« Reply #32 on: July 04, 2014, 01:15:29 AM »

For me:  Forgiveness is not enablement.  It is not endorsement.  It is not condonement.  

Forgiveness is about letting go of my attachment to an action or behavior.   I forgive for my benefit.  Because forgiving those who transgress against me provides me with freedom.

But I can only forgive when I am ready.  And it's harder to forgive someone who does not feel they have transgressed.  

But again, I can forgive an abused traumatized three-year old who screams she hates me when she's crabby, hungry and tired.  So I will eventually be able to forgive my ex, because she is that abused traumatized three-year old.

And I will forgive her because she is human and makes mistakes.  And even more importantly because she has limited capacity for executive decision making.  And I forgive her because her intention for being with me was in the hope of finding love with me.   She thought that our love could save her, just like I thought our love would save me.

She doesn't understand that she is not capable of love.  So she acts in a sociopathic manner.

But I try and do at times forgive her in small stages.  And that is what frees me.  

The act of forgiveness is not for her.  I sincerely doubt that we will ever have any interaction again.  I will never condone her betrayal, and I will never enable the Disorder to rule my life again.

But I will forgive... .in time... .when I'm ready... .because forgiveness of my ex helps to free me.

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« Reply #33 on: July 04, 2014, 03:21:57 AM »

Tausk has some great points and I agree that you can forgive someone in your heart for their transgressions, yet they may never know it. You do not ever have to have contact with them again if you feel that it is not in your best interest to do so. i.e. Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. I believe that forgiveness does not mean that what they may have done is ok or ok with you.

You can forgive without putting yourself in harms way again. I personally have been unable to forgive. I have been slowly able to accept this person for who they actually are, not who I thought that they were... .and that has taken me years. Acceptance feels safer for me with total NC. I do not wish them harm or want revenge or anything, but maybe some day I will get to the forgiveness part.
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irishmarmot
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« Reply #34 on: July 04, 2014, 12:11:37 PM »

My relationship with my expwBPD was the worst relationship I have ever had.  From a moral point of view she was the worst person I have ever met in my life.  Despite that I forgave her and consequently I live in peace and I like the feeling.   And if past behavior predicts future behavior,  then she is living in turmoil.   I also heed that advice lest I repeat the past and become enmeshed with another BPD in the future.  Ghandi once said that forgiveness is an attribute of the strong, the weak can never forgive.
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Split black
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« Reply #35 on: July 04, 2014, 01:19:09 PM »

I personally have been unable to forgive. I have been slowly able to accept this person for who they actually are, not who I thought that they were... .and that has taken me years. Acceptance feels safer for me with total NC. I do not wish them harm or want revenge or anything, but maybe some day I will get to the forgiveness part.

I think acceptance is the key... .to limit our own suffering... .and the fact that no matter what you say, do, feel, wish or hope will not change what THEY do.  In the brief few weeks I allowed recycling, there were no apologies... .there was only and I quote " stop telling me everything you have done for me" and " I can do or see anything or anyone I want"  And lets keep in mind, this was about a conversation I had right after we slept together again for the first time since the end of Feb. ... .and also that she is in a committed relationship with her ex of 3 years. Her anchor and face to the world via happy facebook pics Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). She was referring to her obsession du jour, a DJ, who shes been heavily seducing. When I said why are you doing this to your BF, her reply was he was above.

Do I forgive the tragic little abused girl in her... .yeah, I do. I have kids... .I feel for abused kids. But the woman she has become, is self aware enough to know she is not " normal " ... .we have discussed it. She goes to an 8 step thing... .and 12 steps... .and has been to therapy. ( She said she manipulated the therapist when her adopted parents sent her years ago. But shes been back as an adult as well)

Yet she continues to bring chaos to and misery to herself and everyone crazy enough to want to help her. She has an endless supply of beta chumps that will white knight her. I guess I fell from alpha to beta Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I accept that there is NOTHING I can do to help her. Her last texts were I dont need your help or money, Im working and I can support myself. ( she feels my help came with a price... .sex)  I explained that I fell for her and care for her and that sex is a normal expression of joy, and pleasing, for two consenting adults. She sees herself being exploited for sex from everyone. Except when she is using it as a tool and weapon to get what she needs.

So I forgive the little girl, and I accept that I can not change reality. My withdrawal hurts, but I feel so much better without the incredible stress her presence brings. She said that I stressed her out... .it is what it is.  
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Tausk
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« Reply #36 on: July 04, 2014, 01:26:15 PM »

My relationship with my expwBPD was the worst relationship I have ever had.  From a moral point of view she was the worst person I have ever met in my life.  Despite that I forgave her and consequently I live in peace and I like the feeling.   And if past behavior predicts future behavior,  then she is living in turmoil.   I also heed that advice lest I repeat the past and become enmeshed with another BPD in the future.  Ghandi once said that forgiveness is an attribute of the strong, the weak can never forgive.

I really like this.  And also I would add, that I still need to silently and more profoundly ask for forgiveness in my transgressions with my ex. 

For example, I lost my temper at times and screamed at her.  No excuses.  My brother in law has a success interaction with my BPD sister because he has no temper what so ever.  My ex's new husband, whom she cheated with on me, has not temper either.  Even I introduced them I figured that he was a better fit for her.

So I have to ask for forgiveness from her.  Because I screamed at a traumatized three year old and helped to put her in a state of absolute terror.  This is the just an example, there are many more.

But first I must try and forgive myself for my transgression against myself.  Then ask for forgiveness of my  transgression against her.  Then try and forgive her.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #37 on: July 04, 2014, 01:35:39 PM »

I have come to the seemingly obvious realization that you must forgive yourself first.

putting the focus on forgiving them is still feeding into the dynamic created during the relationship.

To forgive yourself to really forgive yourself you have to dig deep into the issues they pwBPD has uncovered.  You have to work through and resolve these core truamas.  This is the act of forgiving oneself accepting things as they are and following through with action.  Sometimes the action will be inaction.  Once you have gotten to a point where you have healed the deep inner truamas you will know yourself better than before.  You will have forgiven yourself of you inner turmoil by addressing it and growing as a person.

You will come to see the interaction as a gift and will have forgiven yourself.  Only then can you give true forgiveness to the pwBPD.

  Anything else is just burying the pain living in denial and justifying it.  The grudge will remain and eat at you. You may find a way to let go through "blissful" experiences and just focusing on the positive.  That is ignorance, ignorance is bliss.  You will have to lie to yourself if you want to take that path.
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Hopeless777
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« Reply #38 on: July 04, 2014, 10:16:28 PM »

Guess I'll have to disagree with most of the posts here. For all I've said to "her" there's no way that the rage and violence returned or initiated in the first place was warranted. I will never forgive her for the hurt and pain and suffering I've endured; the trauma to the kids; the financial ruin; the sleepless nights; the drug induced sleep aids; the endless sex sessions needed to satisfy her insatiable primal urges and needs; the coldness and callousness; the take all my money I've slaved for and spend, spend, spend; the endless plastic surgeries that will be some other guy's pleasure (or eventual horror); the international trips, the fashion, etc., etc. I have been destroyed by a demon spawn from the depths of hell, But I love her and would take her back if she would only apologize. I am wretched!
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But God does not just sweep life away; instead, He devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from Him. 2 Samuel 14:14(b) NLT
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« Reply #39 on: July 04, 2014, 11:18:43 PM »

You misunderstand what forgiveness is.  Forgiveness is not about being 'understanding' toward someone's crimes against you because they had a 'tough childhood'.  Forgiveness means refusing to hold a debt against somebody any longer -it does NOT mean somehow pretending that debt was somehow less or not really a debt at all.  

Forgiveness is something ultimately that frees you.  The alternative -bitterness- does not actually stop them, hold them accountable, imprison them, hurt them, or really do anything to them.  All of those things we wish upon them, in our bitterness, become ours.  We end up stunted, imprisoned, hurt, and chained.  Not them.  So forgiveness frees us.  Letting go frees us and accepts that our bitterness is delusional because it doesn't actually do anything to make them pay at all.  We only pay.  Forgiveness realizes that no longer demanding that they pay lifts the weight of debt of OUR shoulders.

Forgiveness doesn't mean minimization.  It doesn't mean pretending they didn't do anything bad.  And it certainly doesn't imply a restored relationship.  It doesn't mean it doesn't make you angry.  It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.  It means you are willing to let go and stop demanding in your mind and heart that God, the universe, or whatever make them pay.

Should you forgive?  If you don't want what they did to you to hinder and impede your life and potential for the rest of your life, then yes.  If you want to really have your own life, to really move on, to really have a new life of your own, then yes.  But if you are okay with hanging the weight of a debt that really belongs to them around your neck for the rest of your life, then don't forgive.
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AimingforMastery
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« Reply #40 on: July 05, 2014, 02:57:33 AM »



I know that any apologies I would receive from him would be lies- he never once apologized for any of his actions the entire time we dated.  Plus, he admitted that he always told me what I wanted to hear.  To him now, I'm nothing- not worthy of an apology. 

I really really want to reach the point of letting go of all the pain, anger, and hurt, but I'm not sure how.  I trusted him, loved him unconditionally, wasn't perfect, but tried to be the best girlfriend I could.  I opened up to him in more ways that I've been, was more vulnerable than I've ever been and I keep feeling this sense of just unfairness... .  why did this happen?  I know, I know... .  I'm still riding the wave of emotions after being severely traumatized in this relationship.  I just want to reach that point of acceptance once and for all.  [/quote]
I hope this helps you let go - It wasn't anything to do with you. Period. Nothing.

By that I mean, all his BPD BS was created WAY before you came along. And the BOD stuff was deep unconscious wounds looking for a target and even now he is likely not conscious of that stuff, but it is merely spilling out unconsciously onto people around him, no different from a drunk alcoholic vomiting who cant remember it the next day.

That is why it happened - he was deeply mentally disturbed. And you slowly realized (I am guessing) that you had chosen to be with someone who didn't give you consideration, respect or empathy.

Like loving a lamppost - my ex BPD gf wasn't nothing but a lamp post. I can forgive the lamppost and move on, but only once I truly realized my gf was, in effect, a lamppost. Metaphorically speaking... .

Now, if she got well and became consistently empathetic and considerate in her action snot just her words (lies) - well, you never say never... .

But you get my drift. You would not take it personally if a lamppost sowed you no empathy, because ITS A LAMPPOST... .
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Changingman
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« Reply #41 on: July 05, 2014, 07:41:24 AM »

I'm six weeks out after a 27 year marriage and two kids, etc., etc. She texted me about four weeks ago that I'm no longer her soul mate. How do you ever forgive that? No one could ever say anything more cruel. I'd rather take the physical abuse from her repeatedly than hear that. I'm just crushed.

Hi Hope,

This is a classic BPD/NPD action.

Conditional 'love'. love as need.

'You are no longer my soul mate'

Also this is searching for a way to hurt you.

Sorry to hear this
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #42 on: July 05, 2014, 05:55:45 PM »

Yes!  This is right on. 

My focus has been forgiving myself.  I attracted what I needed at the time (that interaction) so that I would do the inner work and healing that was long overdue. 

At this point (a year out) I doubt that my ex cares about whether he is forgiven or not. 

What I experienced really at this point has nothing to do with him.  He just facilitated it.  That I can thank him for. 



I have come to the seemingly obvious realization that you must forgive yourself first.

putting the focus on forgiving them is still feeding into the dynamic created during the relationship.

To forgive yourself to really forgive yourself you have to dig deep into the issues they pwBPD has uncovered.  You have to work through and resolve these core truamas.  This is the act of forgiving oneself accepting things as they are and following through with action.  Sometimes the action will be inaction.  Once you have gotten to a point where you have healed the deep inner truamas you will know yourself better than before.  You will have forgiven yourself of you inner turmoil by addressing it and growing as a person.

You will come to see the interaction as a gift and will have forgiven yourself.  Only then can you give true forgiveness to the pwBPD.

  Anything else is just burying the pain living in denial and justifying it.  The grudge will remain and eat at you. You may find a way to let go through "blissful" experiences and just focusing on the positive.  That is ignorance, ignorance is bliss.  You will have to lie to yourself if you want to take that path.

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« Reply #43 on: July 05, 2014, 08:58:38 PM »

I just wanted to add to my post that I havnt fully forgiven myself and her I'm still on that journey and I'm really learning what forgiveness is like never before in my life.
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