Johnny Cash - Hurt

[Cumulus]

Over 25 years married, almost two years apart from my xBPDh. Thought I had put to rest the need to know who he was. Have been focused on myself, trying to understand who I was, and what the relationship was to me for most of the past year. Was over at another single girlfriends house last night and we decided to check out the men on the local dating site. Neither of us have dated since our marriages have ended but with a couple glasses of wine on board and a case of the giggles we thought it was a great idea. There he was, my xBPDh, on the very first page. It was like slamming on the brakes at a hundred miles an hour. Like driving past an accident, unable not to look. He never listened much to music. Usually had the news on the radio in the car and rarely would put on a CD at home. On his bio he had written how much he liked music and his favourite song was " hurt" by Johnny Cash. I listened to it on you tube today. My heart is breaking. For him. For me. For the marriage that never had a chance. Among other things I thought after the separation that he was a cutter. After listening to the song I believe that is true and it disturbs me so to think that someone can carry that much pain. If ever I wanted to know what he had been thinking or feeling, I heard it today.

[Rose Tiger]

I'm sorry that you are hurting from seeing his profile.  Looking at profiles with a friend sounds fun, online dating sites can be a trigger though, sometimes they can make you miss the ex more!  I looked up the song lyrics.  The lyrics remind me of the 20 twisted beliefs of pwBPD.

20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:

  1. I will always be alone

  2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.

  3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

  4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

  5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

  6. I have no control of myself.

  7. I can't discipline myself.

  8. I don't really know what I want.

  9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

12. I will never get what I want.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

17. Other people are evil and abuse you.

18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

The link is a workshop on BPD thinking, if you are interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0

[Cumulus]

Thank you Rose tiger. I don't know if I had ever heard that song before, if I had it hadn't made an impression. It did today. I appreciate you taking the time to break it down, all  i was hearing was the pain. Will check out the link.

[Changed4safety]

*winces in empathy*  My ex bawled like a baby when he first heard that song, saying, "This, this is me... .  "  It is very sad, and very powerful.  RT, thank you for the list... .  I do see so many I recognize on there.   :'(

[turtle]

There he was, my xBPDh, on the very first page. It was like slamming on the brakes at a hundred miles an hour. Like driving past an accident, unable not to look.

his favourite song was " hurt" by Johnny Cash. I listened to it on you tube today. My heart is breaking. For him. For me. For the marriage that never had a chance.

Among other things I thought after the separation that he was a cutter. After listening to the song I believe that is true and it disturbs me so to think that someone can carry that much pain. If ever I wanted to know what he had been thinking or feeling, I heard it today.

Cumulus --  

It is very disturbing when we get a glimpse into their agony.  Even so... .  we MUST save ourselves. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

turtle

[almost789]

Sorry this must be very difficult for you to hear. I once found a web page where BPD were sharing songs which they related to and this song came up many times on the list. I always thought it was such a sad depressing song. Not sure Id want to date someone who had this song on their list of favorites.

[Cumulus]

It is an odd choice of song to list as your favourite song on a dating site. When I heard the words though I thought, this is who he is, he is telling people out there just what to expect. That would be very typical behaviour for him. He often spoke cryptically. Many is a time I asked him what he meant or what he was talking about. His response, "you're a smart girl, you figure it out ". Obviously not that smart! Took me a lot of years to figure it out.

On a side note must dig out my copy of Codependent No More and reread. My first thought after reading his bio was, I could have helped you make it look so much better 

[turtle]

On a side note must dig out my copy of Codependent No More and reread. My first thought after reading his bio was, I could have helped you make it look so much better 

LOLOL!

[almost789]

It is an odd choice of song to list as your favourite song on a dating site. When I heard the words though I thought, this is who he is, he is telling people out there just what to expect. That would be very typical behaviour for him. He often spoke cryptically. Many is a time I asked him what he meant or what he was talking about. His response, "you're a smart girl, you figure it out ". Obviously not that smart! Took me a lot of years to figure it out.

On a side note must dig out my copy of Codependent No More and reread. My first thought after reading his bio was, I could have helped you make it look so much better 

Hehehe, you sound in a better mood about it today.  Mine always told me I was "smart" too. He always seems to want me to figure things out rather than him telling me. Just not good with expressions. He didn't seem to have a problem with me prying into his mental health issues about his diagnosis either. After this he still called me "smart" I was initially thinking he put this song up for YOU to see. Because, really, who is he going to attract with that song?

[Cumulus]

I too considered that he may have wanted me to see the song, but I don't think it was for me. I'm a bit older and until we split I only was on the computer to pay bills or email. So I don't think it would cross his mind that I would ever see his profile. And you are so right, it really hit me hard. It's the same when I run into him unexpectedly. I'm OK if I'm going somewhere that I know he might be and am prepared, but if I turn around and there he is I get mildly panicky for a bit. Unfortunately, we live in a small town. I don't want to leave because of kids and job being close by.

Did you help your ex out with his mental health issues? Am assuming ex on this site.  Mine did ask me to go to psychiatrist with him after separation which I did once. I thought it might be helpful to him if psychiatrist saw him from a partners eyes, and I was hoping for some answers myself.

[almost789]

Hi Cumulus, No I didn't help him with his issue's. I am aware I can not do that. But I did try to get him to accept going to a therapist. He seemed initially to take it "ok" he then changed and started calling me crazy. He projected on me, we shared words I told him he needed to take responsibilty for himself or he'd never get better. This was followed by a silent rage. I've been through many of them. I'm not convinced that is it.  I'm not "going back" with him. But I will help him anyway I can if he changes his mind and wants to find therapy. Thats good yours wanted to see one, maybe he'll get back to it on his own now.

[bb12]

I stumbled across that song last year and loved it for what is says about us nons.

" you are someone else. And I am still right here"

I think when he sings "I hurt myself today" it's not so much a literal description of the pwBPD cutting them self but him allowing himself to get stuck in ruminating again.

Powerful sad song and I loved it!

Bb12

[maria1]

Hi Cumulus

I'm sorry you saw your ex like that- I can relate to the hurt. Mine turned up on the dating website I was on 3 months NC out of our relationship. We had only been together less than a year but it was like being punched in the guts. His profile was Pointblank, the name of a Bruce Springsteen song and possibly aimed at me or any of his exes! About a woman totally wiped out by life really.

The songs thing is a big one for me because my ex and I used to sort of communicate through songs, or so I had it in my head. The day after he dumped me saying he needed somebody who was less inside his head we had the closest day we had ever spent emotionally. We were both in pieces and he wanted to hold me, asked me to stay but I said no- I was done with being pulled right in like a great big blanket and thrown off when it got too warm.

As I left he texted me to tell me to listen to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, the Boatman's Call (exBPD used to own a record shop, he knows music). The moon was full as I drove and listened to the first track 'Into my Arms'. It's the most amazing love song I ever heard- Oh My God I was even more in pieces- what was this guy doing to me?

Anyway I digress from you- what I'm saying is their pain is their pain- we need to detach from it somehow because the only way they can soothe it is by sharing it with us, pouring it into us- and we soak it up. I imagined all sorts of things he was feeling from the songs he sent me but I realise now he didn't write those songs. And I put my own spin on them because I wanted to believe he loved me like no other. He did in his way but I'm glad I'm out now.

I never recycled again and I never will. It's so hard though- my ex is now on a dating website I'm on- my subheader was 'Here we go' He turned up with 'Here goes nothing!' He says in his profile "I'm told I don't think like other people?' I'm hoping that's clue enough to keep nice people away, but he needs somebody to survive so it won't be long.

I had exactly the same response, thinking I could have written a better profile for him! 

[maria1]

Sorry- meant to say that the song absolutely sums up my exBPD. He thrives on pain and seemed to put himself through physical pain rather than classic self harm.

I can't listen to that song without wanting to go right back to him and try and make it all OK- he still wants me in his life and I just can't do it. He hates himself and I love him. My love now feels more like a mother to a child but I still feel it at times.

All the love in the world couldn't make him believe that he was worth it. He would have seen me die to prove my love and it would have hurt him terribly but still not been enough. It's the disorder and it's tragic.

[Cumulus]

I listened to Point Blank. Another song that would scare me away from anyone who listed it on a dating website. I think that will now be one of my first questions to anyone I ever consider dating? What song do you most relate to? 

I was at the same place you were for many years. I loved him, but the love felt more like the love a mother gives a child.

All the love in the world couldn't make him believe that he was worth it. He would have seen me die to prove my love and it would have hurt him terribly but still not been enough. It's the disorder and it's tragic.

I never thought of this before, but it is so true.

[bb12]

Hey Cumulus - check their movie list too! LOL

My ex had Cruel Intentions in his top 5 ; )

bb12

[Cumulus]

Bb12 great advice   so, we have song, movie, how about book?  I think that should cover it!

[mosaicbird]

Red flag favorite book? That's easy. Wuthering Heights.

[Cumulus]

Oh no mosaic bird, I am laughing so hard here, there is no way can cover it. Seriously, I remember being in 7th grade a writing a book report on Wuthering Heights. I was so impressed with myself tackling a "grown up" book. Predestined maybe?

[LoveNYC]

It's actually by Nine Inch Nails in the 1990s.  They are a Marilyn Manson-esque group headed by Trent Reznor, who is actually brilliant and has suffered with adddiction, depression and mental illness.

Johnny Cash covered their song, which is amazing given he's such a legend.

[maria1]

Hi LoveNYC   Yes- and nine inch nails are so on the playlist. i remember my ex telling me I would LOVE them- I didn't really, but can see the brilliance.

My ex's favourite singer is Greg Dulli. He worships him- check out ANY one of his songs.

There's a song called 'Let me lie to you'. Say no more. Imagine that as the sub-header on a dating profile.

'Pointblank' was very 'successful'- he ended up in a r/s with a widow 10 years younger that lasted 3 months. I wonder how she is right now.