Please help me make sense of this - this can't be "normal". Can it?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Is it just me or is this completely redicules given the short time frame? Here are word for word what she wrote in two different greeting cards she gave me. Now keep in mind while reading these that this is a 37 year old mother of two... .  

My birthday card on October 5th (dating for a month and a half by this time):

":)earest Dave,

Words can't express how truly happy I am that my fantasy guy walked right out of my dreams and into my life. And I truly hope you realize that since the day we met - I knew you were the one for me and like foot prints in the sand there will always be two sets wherever you go as I will always be walking right beside you through this amazing journey of life. This is it, it's me and you for the rest of these days in our lives. I love you more than I can even begin to express through words. Love you with every fiber of my being.

Happy birthday!"

Now my Christmas card which she presented to me on November 27th when she ended the r/s kicking me out, leaving me homeless and in a hotel and cutting me out of her life in every way shape and form. All over a very, very minor disagreement. Note this was just shy of two months after my birthday card:

":)ave,

Merry Christmas. I hope you one day look back at our time together and think of it as a stepping stone. You will find peace and happiness and there is someone looking for you so be open to change and embrace your life.

Love xxxxx"

I'm hoping that by sharing intimate details like this it will help me accept that this behaviour is NOT normal as I still seem to be having a hard time accepting it all.

[Dave44]

Is it just me or is this completely redicules given the short time frame? Here are word for word what she wrote in two different greeting cards she gave me. Now keep in mind while reading these that this is a 37 year old mother of two... .  

My birthday card on October 5th (dating for a month and a half by this time):

":)earest Dave,

Words can't express how truly happy I am that my fantasy guy walked right out of my dreams and into my life. And I truly hope you realize that since the day we met - I knew you were the one for me and like foot prints in the sand there will always be two sets wherever you go as I will always be walking right beside you through this amazing journey of life. This is it, it's me and you for the rest of these days in our lives. I love you more than I can even begin to express through words. Love you with every fiber of my being.

Happy birthday!"

Now my Christmas card which she presented to me on November 27th when she ended the r/s kicking me out, leaving me homeless and in a hotel and cutting me out of her life in every way shape and form. All over a very, very minor disagreement. Note this was just shy of two months after my birthday card:

":)ave,

Merry Christmas. I hope you one day look back at our time together and think of it as a stepping stone. You will find peace and happiness and there is someone looking for you so be open to change and embrace your life.

Love xxxxx"

I'm hoping that by sharing intimate details like this it will help me accept that this behaviour is NOT normal as I still seem to be having a hard time accepting it all.

[Clearmind]

Dave, OK so we have a message from the beginning and then the end of the relationship - what may help is for you to fill in the middle part. Often we remember the glory days of the idealization phase the dark hour of the devaluation phase.

Lots of red flags happened in between - this is where acceptance will begin.

[turtle]

My birthday card on October 5th (dating for a month and a half by this time):

":)earest Dave,

Words can't express how truly happy I am that my fantasy guy walked right out of my dreams and into my life. And I truly hope you realize that since the day we met - I knew you were the one for me and like foot prints in the sand there will always be two sets wherever you go as I will always be walking right beside you through this amazing journey of life. This is it, it's me and you for the rest of these days in our lives. I love you more than I can even begin to express through words. Love you with every fiber of my being.

Well... .  all I can tell you is that if someone sent me a card like this after only 45 days... .  there would be a turtle shaped hole through the closest exit door door! 

turtle

[Somewhere]

Key word you may have missed in there . . . 

It was in the first sentence of the first letter . . . you/we just do not really tend to understand what it really means.

Fantasy. 

It is all just unending strings of fantasy.

Sure, you were the fantasy guy.  Now the fantasy Villian.

Just wait, another fantasy begins with each show.

[fakename]

@somewhere,

such a great observation!

[Newton]

Dave... .  the sudden shift from us being their everything... .  to being their "insignificant other" is brutal, bewildering and far from reasonable behaviour for emotionally healthy people to exhibit... .  and as you stated the catalyst was a seemingly minor disagreement.

It's important to remind yourself that she was not experiencing the relationship dynamic in the same way you were... .  it may have appeared that way... .  but it was an illusion.

Reading others experiences here and seeing similarities to your own will be validating, it's also important to understand the nature of BPD... .  and your role in the relationship.  These are truly complex ideas to research and process and won't happen overnight... .  

It sounds like it was an incredibly intense beginning, and just as intense at the end... .  

How are you coping with this at the moment?... .  

[ScotisGone74]

During the end of my relationship with the ex BPD SO while we met for lunch she was in the process of devaluing me, I pulled out some of the letters she wrote me during the idealization phase about how great and loving I was, she swatted them out of my hands while continuing to berate me about how she Felt I had acted.  I used to think about all the times she told me she "Loved Me" and about the things we were planning to do, but not any longer.  Words are just words to them, used only for their purposes of attaining new supply, which is what they need.  Forget the words for now, You have to focus on what She Did, Her Actions show really the type of person she truly is.  Write down a list of all the things she actually did, this is who she really is.  I feel your pain man, get at me anytime. 

[Dave44]

Did any of your ex's have a constant fear of you cheating on them? This was something that was noticable from the very start of my relationship. Of course, she had "been cheated on" in the past so at first I could sympathize with her to some degree. But the fear of me cheating on her seemed a bit over the top. I found myself constantly reassuring her that she was the girl of my dreams and that it would never, EVER in a million years even cross my mind.

One conversation really sticks out in my mind. We were sitting on the couch one evening discussing this exact topic. I was telling her how cheating is the one deal breaker for me. It's the one thing I will not overlook in a relationship. She of course agreed. She then said to me "I'm just warning you, if you ever cheated on me I would cheat on you". I paused for a second, looked at her and said, "if I cheated on you you would cheat on me?". She said "yup". I said to her with a puzzled look on my face, "Hun if you cheated on me the absolute last thing I could do is go cheat on you. I'd be devastated! I just simply wouldn't be able to be intimate with another girl like that." She calmly replied "well I'd be so pissed off that's what I'd do". Red flag #1256.

Here's were it gets ironic. After she brutally dumped me months later, I decided to do a little digging into her past. I contacted several of her ex's and asked if they would care to share their experiance with me. I was quite shocked to learn that she had cheated on almost all of her previous boyfriends. Matter of fact, I found out her youngest daughter was conceived as a result of her infidelity at the time! I couldn't believe it. It's almost like she was paranoid of me doing to her what she herself was notorious for doing? I wonder if they project fears of what they themselves do onto others?

I have no evidence of her cheating on me but knowing what I now know... .  it wouldn't surprise me.

[OTH]

It's almost like she was paranoid of me doing to her what she herself was notorious for doing? I wonder if they project fears of what they themselves do onto others?

The term for this is actually called "projection". It is common in people with personality disorders to place blame on events outside themselves. So they never have to look at their own misdeeds too closely. Google "projection personality disorders" if you want to investigate.

You looked into her past and discovered she had similar relationship problems. She wasn't the person you thought she was. Can you accept that? It would be understandable to still feel attached and heartbroken. These emotions take time to die down. Does your logical brain understand that the experience wasn't what you thought it was. Emotions trump logic in the short run but things will get back in sync if you give it time.

[Want2know]

Yes, this sounds familiar, unfortunately.  My ex seemed very, what I would call, hypocritical.  For example, he would berate his son for lying as if it were the end of the world, and then lie to me time and time again.

Same thing with cheating.  He always mentioned his hesitation with me going out with my friends without him, saying that he knew I was going to hook up with another guy.

It was upsetting at the time, and sometime after we broke up, but now I understand it to be pretty typical behavior for someone with BPD.

OTH makes some good points about being able to accept this was just a part of who she was.  It's a hard transition to make.  I totally understand this.

[Matt]

My wife accused me of cheating many times, naming specific women - almost every woman I came in contact with.  Women I worked with, neighbors, her friends, even my brother's girlfriend and a woman I met once on an airplane.

She would say, "I know there's something going on between you and Such-and-such!", and over time I realized she was right:  she did know it.  It wasn't true, but she knew it.

I think she was afraid of being abandoned, and when she felt like that, she concluded that there must be some reason for it - something causing those feelings - and that something was me.

She even accused me of cheating in front of the kids, when they were very young, so I had to take them aside and tell them, "It's wrong for a man to have a girlfriend if he has a wife.  I would never do that."

[apple]

My Exw never accused me of cheating but she was projecting like a BiOTCH asking me for years " You promise you'll never leave me"

[goodguy]

My Exw never accused me of cheating but she was projecting like a BiOTCH asking me for years " You promise you'll never leave me"

Yup - that's a classic. Mine made me promise her that I would never, ever leave her.

[elessar]

mine never accused me of cheating, but has said over a hundreds of her fear that i would cheat on her. which i found to be extremely weird since she is the only one i have loved and been with... .  even during the many years she had been gone from my life. i guess it is their fear of abandonment.

[Dave44]

It's almost like she was paranoid of me doing to her what she herself was notorious for doing? I wonder if they project fears of what they themselves do onto others?

The term for this is actually called "projection". It is common in people with personality disorders to place blame on events outside themselves. So they never have to look at their own misdeeds too closely. Google "projection personality disorders" if you want to investigate.

You looked into her past and discovered she had similar relationship problems. She wasn't the person you thought she was. Can you accept that? It would be understandable to still feel attached and heartbroken. These emotions take time to die down. Does your logical brain understand that the experience wasn't what you thought it was. Emotions trump logic in the short run but things will get back in sync if you give it time.

I'm familiar with BPD and projection. However my understanding was they only project out of anger or in times of conflict making their faults yours. I didn't know they could calmly project a trait they had (in this case her history of infidelity) and turn that into a fear they have that you might do?

I should also make it clear that she never once accused me of cheating. She was just always very very fearful and suspicious. Which I found very odd as I certainly didn't give her any reason to be.

Can I accept she wasn't the person I thought she was? That's where my problem lies. Talking with her previous ex's was a real eye opener - especially since they all shared almost the exact same story. However, because I wasn't subjected to the raging, push pull games or fights in general like most people here went through it's been very difficult. The fact of the matter is for the most part of the relationship she treated me exceptionally well right up until the end. The brutal, cold and down right nasty way she ended it with out a complete shred of remorse or sympathy stunned me. It has become so difficult for me to accept that THAT'S who she really is and not the person she portrayed for the majority of the relationship. Why can't I accept that?

[Matt]

It's pretty understandable that it's hard to accept - most of us have been through that.

It's hard to believe that somebody who seems to function well could have such twisted thinking.  When we see it, it's easier to think, "Wow, that was weird, but I bet it doesn't mean anything."

I was with my ex for over ten years.  I saw the behaviors early but didn't add 2 and 2 and get 4.  I found ways to rationalize the behaviors - overlook them.  It was many years before I really accepted that she has a big problem.  Eventually she was diagnosed and that made it easier.

I think it will help you to step back away, emotionally.  Get some distance from her.  Counseling helped me a lot, and focus on other good things in my life.

[Wooddragon]

mine never seemed to think that i would cheat on him but he used to project like crazy in relation to his own behaviour! at an awards dinner when someone he knew was speaking ... .  "i know what youre thinking ... .  youre thinking that im thinking how cute she looks in that short little frock with the sparkly belt... "    and "you think i want to ___ other women" 

[Want2know]

It has become so difficult for me to accept that THAT'S who she really is and not the person she portrayed for the majority of the relationship. Why can't I accept that?

I think part of it is because you were with her for only 4 months.  Most of us who remained with our persons with BPD for years (I was with mine for 4 years) saw this pattern of behavior that you describe at the end of your relationship over and over, and as Matt said, we didn't put 2 and 2 together until much later.  Had you remained with her for longer, you would have seen it, too.

I don't know if this will help, but in some way, she did you a favor by ending it so soon.  The pain may seem dreadful and unbearable now, but the scar won't be so deep over time as it could have been.   

[Leaf]

My ex never directly accused me of cheating, but he repeatedly told me 'All women cheat' and sometimes when he left he said 'Now you can receive the other men'. I don't think he really suspected me of cheating, but just to be absolutely sure he came home unexpectedly a couple of times.

I think one of the reasons he got into a relationship with me is that I'm honest and responsible and wouldn't cheat. All in all it sounded more like he was giving himself an excuse to cheat. He also once told me: You don't know it yet, but you are going to be a concubine. Was just a joke of course.

Because I had told him cheating was a deal breaker for me, he tried to convince me that cheating wasn't a big deal, that being faithful was old fashioned, and that I had been brainwashed by the church. When I countered all that he just wanted me to stop talking.

After I broke up with him because of cheating I told him he should find someone who wants an open relationship. He said: no, no, no.

No, he wants to have it both ways! And it doesn't matter to him who gets hurt in the process. It's all about what HE wants. He wants (A) a woman who is faithful, accompanies him wherever he wants, and otherwise stays home and waits for him. Later on in the relationship he even wanted me to dress more conservatively. And (B) he wants to be able to flirt and cheat whenever he feels like it. And (C) preferable with my tacit permission so he doesn't have to go through all the trouble of hiding it. He thinks it's my fault we broke up because I found out he was cheating by looking at his email.

No, I don't believe for a moment that he was cheating as a pre-emptive strike because of fear of abandonment, that he was cheating because he believed I might cheat on or leave him.

That's why it isn't something that's curable with love. He's working towards his goal of getting everything he wants. I was cast in the role of devoted wife with blinkers and when I got too rebellious he put more effort into finding replacements more suited for the role.

[HarmKrakow]

Everytime I was going back from work with a female colleauge she would ask questions, do you like her? What did you do? Etc...

And when something wouldn't go well  between us, why don't you go to the female colleauge of yours? She would always use it as an excuse.

It's one the reasons why my social life got so messed up in the end of my r/s, why? Because I broke up contact with others to show her, that she was my number one, just to dump me later ... .  

[marbleloser]

Yep! 20 years of being accused of cheating,until I finally did.Then,it was like total disbelief,raging,smearing,etc.,,Even now she claims I've always cheated on her,when nothing is further from the truth.Had a few opportunities,but never acted on them,until... .  

I often wonder if it was projection all of those years.

[healingmyheart]

I was accused of having an affair with my "married" doctor and a salesman at the store.  My ex was jealous of any guy who looked at me.  Btw, this was all while my ex was having 3 emotional affairs going on behind my back. 

My counselor said the more they accuse you, all the more reason to believe they are doing something... .  projecting their own actions onto you.

[lost007]

MY stbexw would accuse me of cheating quite often. She would create scenarios which I'm sure would be real to her. Then in a moment of rational thought would say" you know what? I have no evidence you have cheated no matter how hard I look", and look she would. I have found out she was having emotional affairs on me. Always keeping someone on the end of the line to feed her need for constant attention if she felt I were lacking in that department. I could never give her all the attention required. I have never even spoken with another woman. I had enough problems to deal with without introducing that as an issue. I never wanted to cheat on her. Never had the desire. But yes, she has cheated on every man she has ever been with.

[healingmyheart]

Oh yeah, forgot, because i did facebook, I must of been having affairs with all my guy facebook friends too. 

Interestingly, my ex who NEVER did facebook when we were together now lives on facebook as has recruited at least 10 new facebook women friends in the last week.  I never really thought about it but I guess facebook is a perfect medium for guys or girls to have emotional affairs behind closed doors so to speak.

[MaybeSo]

They fear abandonment, to a degree that we find difficult to understand.

But, if you felt at your core, damaged, intrinsically unloveable, and that it's always just a matter of time before you are left... .  and if you equated being left with death... .  

You would be hyper alert around this issue, and you would likely try to anticipate and ensure you are never left completely... .  Which leads to having back ups and emotional affairs and real affairs and the assumption is that everyone else feels this way and is jockeying for object security in much the same way... .  

It's a thought disorder.

The bizarre behavior stems in large part from a thought that dictates loss of an attachment object equals death; as an adult, that is no longer true , it will lead to grief, but not death. In infancy loss of a attachment would indeed lead to death unless another attachment object is secured. It's the infants distress that helps ensure another attachment object is secured.

It's a disorder, it leads to bizarre and overly anxious behaviors, and frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment. One way to relieve abandonment fears, obviously, is to have back ups or means to quickly secure another object.

Nons are NOT that different, we all find losing an attachment object to be extremely painful, too... .  and finding another attachment object quickly after a loss is often an instinct played out on these boards, too.

I see the behaviors of pwBPD to be similar to human behavior in general, it's just turned up in intensity and feelings get very confused with facts. To the point where it dictates their relationship strategies; their relationship strategies piss people off and this then creates a self fulfilling feedback loop that they always get left; better be prepared to get another object at all times, not to Secure A Victim, but to avoid abandonment fear which they equate with death.

[Matt]

How stupid is this post gonna make me look?

- Brought her oldest daughter on our first date.

- 2 kids from 2 different men and an abortion from a 3rd

- 37 years old with not a thing to show for herself. Even after filing for bankruptcy 2 years                  prior for being over $72,000 in debt.

- Having me over at her house with her kids after our 3rd date in as many days.

- Openly admiting on our first date she hadn't had a relationship last longer than 3 months in the past 10 years.

- Her oldest daughter (8) telling her friends at school that she was gonna have a new dad... .  2 weeks into dating her mom.

- All previous bf's were all "losers".

- A month and a half after dating was my birthday and she got me a necklace with a pendant on it and on the back she had her name, her 2 kids and mine engraved on it!

- Never had a stable career of any sort.

And those are just a few... .  did I mention she was really hot?

So... .  Dave... .  it's clear this is a pretty common phenomenon.

What do you think is causing you to stay so focused on this woman after you've been apart a few months?

[Dave44]

How stupid is this post gonna make me look?

- Brought her oldest daughter on our first date.

- 2 kids from 2 different men and an abortion from a 3rd

- 37 years old with not a thing to show for herself. Even after filing for bankruptcy 2 years                  prior for being over $72,000 in debt.

- Having me over at her house with her kids after our 3rd date in as many days.

- Openly admiting on our first date she hadn't had a relationship last longer than 3 months in the past 10 years.

- Her oldest daughter (8) telling her friends at school that she was gonna have a new dad... .  2 weeks into dating her mom.

- All previous bf's were all "losers".

- A month and a half after dating was my birthday and she got me a necklace with a pendant on it and on the back she had her name, her 2 kids and mine engraved on it!

- Never had a stable career of any sort.

And those are just a few... .  did I mention she was really hot?

So... .  Dave... .  it's clear this is a pretty common phenomenon.

What do you think is causing you to stay so focused on this woman after you've been apart a few months?

That's the million dollar question. I have absolutely no idea. Obsession? Never been so physically attracted to someone before? More than anything probably the "family" her and her kids provided for me - something I've longed for all my life. Plus it was just magical. Everything that I had envisioned my relationship to be from the type of woman to the home life to everything, it was all there! Like I was living my dream everyday I woke up, literally! Hence why i avoided all those red flags. Sure they were all there glaring at me but she sure didn't present any in the r/s - silly me. Finding out that it was all a lie was the biggest joke anyone could play on me. To add to the whole experiance this woman was a customer at my work for a good 6 months previous to ever saying a single word to her. Every time she would come in I would think to myself "man, that is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life". So it wasn't like her idealization or mirroring of me made me feel all that. I felt like that months before I even knew her name let alone spoke to her. Like I said, to end up dating and living with her? Literally a dream come true that turned into m WORST nightmare.

[charred]

Cheating... .  omg...

My exBPDgf accused me of cheating on her with my exwife, which I never did. She told all her friends/family that I cheated on her... causing untold grief for me. So I confronted her and asked what the hell was she talking about... .  and she said that cheating is seeking comfort or solace from someone... so if I talked to my exwife and she was sympathetic about anything, that was supposedly cheating. I was pissed... but she kept saying I cheated on her. Her friends shunned me, we were supposed to go away to a lake for a weekend and they backed out, not wanting to be around someone like me.

After that I kept track of words she redefined to suit her need to paint me black... but once I confronted her she chose other ways to do it. I did here her saying she didn't hang around with one of her friends anymore because she wouldn't talk to her anymore... I asked why... she said... "she took up with a guy 10 yrs younger than her, like 25... and I told her she was a pedophile"... .  gee, things like that make me wonder how I stood to be in the same room with her, let alone cared for or miss her... .  it is clearly the fraudulent use of words to get sympathy and for shock value... .  I know its pretty common.

[Matt]

What do you think is causing you to stay so focused on this woman after you've been apart a few months?

More than anything probably the "family" her and her kids provided for me - something I've longed for all my life.

This really rings true.

Let me talk a little about my favorite subject - myself.

I married my ex when we were in our mid-30s.  She was very beautiful and smart.  Her daughter was 6, and literally the cutest kid I've ever known.  Her son was 18 - smart, funny, and very happy to have a dad.  We quickly had two kids, a girl and a boy, both cute, healthy and fun.

I had an oak dining table I had bought and refinished, which seated 6 perfectly - exactly right for the four kids, their mom and me.  For years I encouraged my stepson to come for dinner on Sundays - I cooked a big meal and we had a great time.

When we separated, and I realized the marriage was doomed, that table was a big symbol for me of what I was losing.  By that time - after being treated badly for many years, accused of stuff I never did, etc. - I had mixed feelings about my wife - sad to lose the marriage but relieved to not have to be around her anymore.  But I was very depressed about losing the family unit - the six of us around the table eating together, or going somewhere together.  That's what hurt me more, and what took (and is still taking) me the most time and work to accept.

[afterdeath]

Oh yeah, forgot, because i did facebook, I must of been having affairs with all my guy facebook friends too. 

Interestingly, my ex who NEVER did facebook when we were together now lives on facebook as has recruited at least 10 new facebook women friends in the last week.  I never really thought about it but I guess facebook is a perfect medium for guys or girls to have emotional affairs behind closed doors so to speak.

so true ugh... Caught her the first time and she told me i betray her, second time i found her reeling in an Ex BF while she was with my replacement   ...

I believe she has since deleted it after i found that info out. As if she was scared i'd find out more...