From Love to Hate in 3.5 Seconds and How I Made it Worse Today

[CodependentHusband]

I just need to get this written down... .  Don't know why I feel compelled, but I do.

I had what started out as a really nice weekend... .  I got a bonus at work for 2012 company performance, and my dBPDw, as expected, was over the moon about that as soon as I told her early in the week. They want to go to a hugely popular and expensive amusement park in Florida... .  no, I can;t bring myself to type the name, but, yeah... .  you know the one. . My bonus was enough to clear the vacation and catch up on several bills. Because of that, Ive been a little stressed about money. It's just the way I am wired, I think. I can't spend that much money without feeling a little sick to my stomach.

Anyway, my wife had been wanting an tablet reader... .  yeah, the one that starts with a 'K,' and has 'HD' in it. . It's not nearly as expensive as the vacation, and my dear wife work so hard, I thought I'd pick one up for her on the way home after work on Friday. Well, she loved it, and became more affectionate with me than she has been in months. No sex, but she cuddled with me, and, as silly as it may sound, she actually put her arms around me and held me tight too. I know that when this happens, it's a part of a cycle, and I can't let myself get too excited about it, but, hey, I LOVE my wife, and I guess I'm so starved for attention, when she gives it to me, I do still get a euphoric feeling. Fast forward to Saturday night... .  she was affectionate again... .  She was idealizing me, but still no sex (there is a reason for me to mention this, by the way. It's not that I am hung up on that). I'm okay with that... .  Honestly, I am. She rolled over to her side of the bed, and a few minutes later, I decided I wasn't sleepy, so, I got up to watch TV in the den. I really thought that she was asleep, or at least so close to being asleep that it wouldn't bother her a bit... .  after all, it's routine for me to be up later tha her watching TV in another room of the house... .  

Well, she comes out to the living room a few minutes later with a look of rage on her face, and says, "You can't wait to get out of the bed with me! You wanted sex and I didn't give it to you, and you are out here pouting about it!" I told her that I wasn;t upset with her in the slightest. I just wasn't sleepy, and didn't want to bother her by having the bedroom TV turned on. So, she went back to bed, but I could tell she was angry at me.


I stayed up a while longer, and, I should know better, but I wrote her an email. It seemed to me that our lack of sex is bothering her... .  making her feel insecure. I don't initiate, and given my wife's history of possible CSA and SA in college, it's probably for the best that I allow her 100% control in that area. It has been probably a year now since the word sex has even come out of my mouth in any conversation with dBPDw. Prior to that, it was a trigger for her (before I even knew what a 'trigger' is). When I think back now, there were a LOT of arguments about our sex life during the first year and a half of our marriage. None of those arguments resulted in anything good... .  the frequency of sex stayed about the same, we weren't getting any closer emotionally, and she seemed to be always so upset with me. When I quit so much as touching her without a clear sign that it was okay, and I quit even discussing it, things improved a lot in other areas of our relationship... .  Less arguments on the whole. Not any significant gains in being close, but overall stability of the relationship improved.

So, realizing full well that long emails to a pwBPD are rarely effective, and that my wife in particular has told me that she hates receiving such emails, I really felt compelled to send her an email. I think it was maybe even more for me than for her. In my email I told her that I have been stressed out at work as I had told her several times earlier in the week. I told her that I was never mad at her. I told her that I let her control the sex 100% and I'm okay with that. I went on further to say that I've noticed that she seems to be putting a lot of pressure on herself about sex, and that maybe it woudl be best for us to just take a break from sex all together for a few months. I've read that taking a break for a while is often helpful in order for a sexual abuse survivor to feel safe. Hey, I'm willing to try anything at this point. I mean that.

So, this morning comes around and it is her routine to read her email the minute she wakes up. I got up before her and made some coffee. She shows up in the kitchen about 30 minutes later and is friendly to me... .  Not affectionate like she had been, but friendly. Later in the day she sent me a text when I was out running an errand. It said, "I'm sorry we fought."

So, things were going well. She asked me if I was ready to book the trip, and I said yes. I'll admit, maybe I didn't look eager to spend the money, but I was right there with her in front of the computer ready to pay for all of this stuff... .  The hotel, tickets, etc... .  Well, the web site started giving her trouble with a login... .  I could see she was getting dysregulated, but I thought she would be okay after we actually got our hotel booked. She gets to the page to actually book the room, and I saw that it said 'one bedroom' for a suite with a kitchenette. We have three girls, so, I just said, 'Umm... .  Is that the right room? It says one bedroom?" Well, she blew a gasket... .  Took what I said as a complete character assasination and an indictment for incompetence. I was really just trying to help and make sure that we were going to have suitable accomodations.

This is where I REALLY made it worse. Rather than just leaving her to be angry, I tried to talk her into finishing booking our trip. This made things worse, and resulted in her taking off her wedding ring and throwing it at the wall... .  she started insulting me. I did leave then... .  Got in the car and just drove around for about an hour. Came back and, of course, she is still angry.

I know that this is just a cycle, and she will come back around... .  I hate this feeling of being hated by her though. I know that I'm not practicing what I preach, and I know that I CAN practice what I preach because I do it at least 80% of the time... .  This is just a part of that 20% when I just couldn't do it... .  I should know by now that unless my wife gets therapy, we won;t ever have a big argument like this where we can 'make up' in a conventional way. Oh well... .  I'm leaving her alone now at least, and I've told her that I love her. I just now realized that something else is really bothering her today as well. My father-in-law normally lets us have use of his boat every summer. We can't afford to buy it (at least not along with expensive vacations every year), and my wife was pretty upset that he had told her that he sold the boat today.

So, that's my weekend... .  If I'm right, 95% of the time at least, she will be giving me the silent treatment for at least several days now, and it will be months before she actually puts her arms aorund me when she does let me hold her... .  Guess there won't be any intimacy in the form of sex either. Guess I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today... .  It won;t be like this every time, and hopefully by tomorrow my attitude will change, regardless of how my dBPDw's behaviors.

Thanks for reading. I know I'm not alone, and that there are others in far worse situations. I feel for you. Stay strong, and if you get down like I am right now, don't let yourself stay that way for long.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

... .  I know I'm not alone, and that there are others in far worse situations. I feel for you. Stay strong, and if you get down like I am right now, don't let yourself stay that way for long.

You are definitely NOT alone!     I've realized that being strong doesn't mean that I will never feel lost, down, saddened and deflated, but being strong does mean that I won't let it ruin my life. 

I hope today is a better day for you~~silent treatment isn't always a bad thing~~at least you're not getting a verbal thrashing

[Themis]

Hey there Mr.Husband, 

You blame yourself a lot like I do.   You also sound lonely like I do. You also sound like you are in the type of pain I have been feeling.

So you love your wife, we love our pwBPD. BUT they don't show us love for weeks or months at a time. Cut off sex and affection. But we'd never cheat on them or risk the nice times we have with them. No. We would be gutted if they cheated on us or went with someone else. So we treat them how we wish they would treat us.



Hoping to lead by example. Stoic, determined in our unshakable love to withstand anything, to be there for them.

We don't rage, we don't get into a fit. The worse we get is needy, lonely or cry. Maybe frustration.

I've sent emails to the person I live with too. Because they don't allow for normal conversations, there I am typing the person I live with an email... .   an email! When they live in the same house?

But that's the way it is.

Then you feel like you're in a catch-22, where you don't want to leave the person you love... .  but you aren't getting any love!

So you have found yourself in a position where you are married and lonely! More lonely than any single person could ever know.

Because now we have made that commitment to that person, it seems like all our sources of love are inside of them.

At least a single person has the option of any of the 7 billion people on Earth that are also single.

So in making the serious choice to stay, you need to dedicate yourself to the lessons, the tools, and self-work.

Make yourself as happy, and less needy as possible.

Otherwise you will be a prisoner, to that one source of romantic love, which you can't control. Sporadic hugs, lonely nights, and wedding rings thrown at your head.

I wish I could fill your heart with love and joy you deserve.

My best advice for you is to get happy on another topic (not your relationship) and approach the relationship with the clarity of a happier person.

You can't see clearly with eyes full of tears, and a heart full of lonely wanting.

You need good friends. Mates. other sources of happiness. If you need any support you can also PM me.

Thank you very much for your honesty, and sharing.

[CodependentHusband]

RL,

    Thanks! I needed that.

Themis,

    You are so very right! I usually do okay, but every once in a while I feel like I'm backsliding and I get worn down. Thanks for the understanding and support.   

[coworkerfriend]

I am right there with you - I thought i was ok and I am worn down.

I loved the responses you got - I can't add anything more than that.

[Somewhere]

Lotta Drama, my brother.

Since there always has to SOMEONE to blame as a Bad Guy in the Drama Triangle . . .  I'lll blame the Boss for giving you the bonus.  That is where the problem all started.   

mho -- Get off the Drama Triangle Stage, and get your life back.

[SoftLanding]

You blame yourself a lot like I do.   You also sound lonely like I do. You also sound like you are in the type of pain I have been feeling.

What a beautiful and helpful post Themis.  I needed it today too. There are way too many of us.

[DyingLove]

Holy cow... .  if this doesn't sound re-hearsed (from being familiar)! Darn right CDH, I can say that at least I go through it similarly.  Well, the rings don't get tossed... .  and I complain if sex isn't nearly every day... .  but everything else sounds kinda copestedic.  I was trying to stay away from here for the majority of last week.  I didn't know whether I was coming or going... .  but sporatic outbursts brought me home (here).    I ALMOST felt at times that I was in the midst of normalcy.  That was obviously an illusion.

At this point, I have realized that I really don't want to buy her anymore gifts. Everytime I get her something, she IMMEDIATELY feels guilty that I've gotten her something and she IMMEDIATELY starts talking about getting something for the 7 year olds and she just ignores or pays no attention to what I've gotten her (or done for her).  She might as well kick me in the (00) and go off and make some frozen waffles! So I'm kinda sick of that stuff... .  and quite often I let her spend her money now on things that are a waste or above our spending limit.  It certainly boils down to us BOTH not having money, but I feel better about it.  Yep, I don't care and yep, I sound angry.  I look at it this way now... .  there are ALOT of things in life to keep tabs on, and too much or too little attention to anything could rock the boat.  Well, how about me?  I need some attention too!  I don't want to even think about straying... .  but we all have our needs. Maybe her ex1 and ex2 figured it out... .  but later on in their relationships.

I gotta say CDH, that you certainly display a level headed attitude towards the stuff presented to you. You certainly love her, that is for sure.  I certainly love my gal, although she really pushes it. Somewhere, I have faith that we will be rewarded for all our hard effort. If not, I'm gonna be really P.O.  :-)

[briefcase]

Sorry to hear how this turned out for you.  It's always hard when something good gets ruined by an episode like this. I have been there many, many times over the years.  

I don't think you can "bank" goodwill in one of these relationships.  All the good and nice things you do and buy can (literally) be thrown out the window when they get dysregulated.  Once the primal emotional response kicks in, it no longer matters that you just bought her a tablet that she wanted, or booked a vacation that she wanted. Those things evaporate astonishingly fast.  

But, it still sucks when it happens.

[Daveh]

Thanks again Themis, your post helped me too, and codependent husband, I feel for you, I have been there so many times before even realizing it was BPD, (my SO is seeing a T but hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks so I don't know if she has been told, but my T is convinced she is BPD!)

All I know is when we love our SO as we do we will stand by them for when they are ready for us.

It seems so ironic that most of us on this particular board love our SO with such profound and unselfish love that it hurts beyond understanding when it is thrown back into our faces along with accusations of us using them, being dishonest and all the other hurtful judgments they come to.

I seem to constantly hurt inside and only this weekend found myself in tears thinking of the happiness we shared and trying to accept that it can/has changed in an instant.

As has already been said, I will be here, I will wait, I will love, but damn it hurts.

[LetItBe]

Sending you big hugs, CDH!  

That sounds really, really tough!  I hope that she can self-regulate and find some peace again soon.  You're right, though, our attitudes can change and don't have to be based on their behaviors.

It seems like we've all been going through a tough time here recently.  I was painted black all last week.  It didn't matter that I was doing nice things for him all week.  He wouldn't say then what was going on underneath his surface, but I could feel something was awry.  Now, after talking last night, I know for sure.  It hurts when someone you love splits you.

I've decided that I'll still be true to myself.  I am kind and generous.  I'll continue to be kind and generous without any expectation attached.  I can't change his moods, but I can make sure I'm taking care of myself and living my truth.  I'll never regret being my authentic self and acting with integrity.

[CodependentHusband]

Thanks, all! Today is better than yesterday already. I'm giving her more space, but still letting her know that I love her and want things to be right. I know that there is nothing more I can do, and I'm okay with that.

Lotta Drama, my brother.

Since there always has to SOMEONE to blame as a Bad Guy in the Drama Triangle . . .  I'lll blame the Boss for giving you the bonus.  That is where the problem all started.   

mho -- Get off the Drama Triangle Stage, and get your life back.

Thanks, Somewhere! A little laugh helps, that's for sure. Now, if I can convince my dBPDw that this was all my boss' fault, we might be on to something... .   

[CodependentHusband]

Sending you big hugs, CDH!  

That sounds really, really tough!  I hope that she can self-regulate and find some peace again soon.  You're right, though, our attitudes can change and don't have to be based on their behaviors.

It seems like we've all been going through a tough time here recently.  I was painted black all last week.  It didn't matter that I was doing nice things for him all week.  He wouldn't say then what was going on underneath his surface, but I could feel something was awry.  Now, after talking last night, I know for sure.  It hurts when someone you love splits you.

Thanks, nonGF! You know, I guess it is the nature of things though for us to post about the troubling issues when they come up. I try to return here to post some positive things as they happen. I think that of all the issues in a non/BPD r/s that the splitting is ultimately the most destructive aspect. At least it seems that way to me. This will pass... .  I know it will.

[Auspicious]

You're not perfect ... .  nobody is ... .  and sometimes even if you were perfect, things would still blow up.

Be kind to yourself

[hopesky]

That description of your argument sounds very familiary to me- and I imagine to many people on this board.  I especially agree with "briefcase"'s coments about not being able to bank goodwill you have done in the relationship.  I think most normal relationships have an eb and flow of goodwill- but that doesnt seem to be the case with BPD.  It can be very difficult living with this- like living with a big emotional vacuum that only sucks in and rarely even validates your feelings as existing.   Please don't understimate how hard it is on you to live like this.

I also have noticed the sex issue- my wife has made clear she doesn't feel any connection or intimacy with sex.  Which I always thought was really strange, but now I know she is suffering from BPD,  it makes perfect sense- I think sex does in fact raise her level of intimacy with me and triggers her sense of abandonment.    We've  been taking a break from sex for about 2 months and it really has reduced the tension.  Kind of depressing way to live in the intimacy department- but the peaceful household for me and the kids is all worth it!

[Auspicious]

I also have noticed the sex issue- my wife has made clear she doesn't feel any connection or intimacy with sex.  Which I always thought was really strange, but now I know she is suffering from BPD,  it makes perfect sense- I think sex does in fact raise her level of intimacy with me and triggers her sense of abandonment.    We've  been taking a break from sex for about 2 months and it really has reduced the tension.  Kind of depressing way to live in the intimacy department- but the peaceful household for me and the kids is all worth it!

Sex appears to often be dysfunctional with BPD involved ... .  either dysfunctionally "awesome" - if we are the recipient of over the top stuff - or dysfunctionally awful - affairs, withholding, game-playing, etc.

Since BPD is a disorder of intimacy, emotional control, relationships, boundaries ... .  I guess that is not surprising.

[CodependentHusband]

That description of your argument sounds very familiary to me- and I imagine to many people on this board.  I especially agree with "briefcase"'s coments about not being able to bank goodwill you have done in the relationship.  I think most normal relationships have an eb and flow of goodwill- but that doesnt seem to be the case with BPD.  It can be very difficult living with this- like living with a big emotional vacuum that only sucks in and rarely even validates your feelings as existing.   Please don't understimate how hard it is on you to live like this.

I also have noticed the sex issue- my wife has made clear she doesn't feel any connection or intimacy with sex.  Which I always thought was really strange, but now I know she is suffering from BPD,  it makes perfect sense- I think sex does in fact raise her level of intimacy with me and triggers her sense of abandonment.    We've  been taking a break from sex for about 2 months and it really has reduced the tension.  Kind of depressing way to live in the intimacy department- but the peaceful household for me and the kids is all worth it!

Hopesky,



Yes... .  No doubt about it... .  Briefcase and Auspicious really know their stuff. I am generally doing better myself, but once every few months I seem to have a hard time. There isn't as much chaos in my life as there used to be... .  of course, when there is an episode like this, it does seem that everything gets reset... .  back to zero again (or even negative)... .  all past good can no longer be remembered by the pwBPD, and it is as if the memory gets erased.

I know what you mean about the improvement in peace when you no longer focus on sex. Sex is viewed in a VERY different way by my wife as well. My wife definitely has some things in her past, although she has never told me a lot of details about what she remembers, but she's been sexually abused at at least one, probably two different points in her life that I know about. When you look at some study results and see that up to 75% of people with BPD have a history of SA, it makes sense that we see some of the same problems in this area. I've been feeling pretty good about my understanding of BPD, despite the weekends like this past weekend (they are less frequent than they used to be, so there is some measure of stability for me to consider). This tends to happen about every two months nowadays, compared with weekly episodes over a year ago. I've since started reading about CSA and SA. What little I have read seems to direct the supporting spouse to a lot of self-care much like non-BPD advice goes... .  It does work to improve things, no doubt. With my wife so deep in denial about evertything, I know that there will be limits as long as she rejects any notion of treatment (formal or informal).

Hang in there, and thanks so much for your kind words!

[Themis]

Thank you everyone,

It means SOO much   that many of you over time have said my posts were helpful, or they liked my honesty or something I shared or said.

I am re-building friendships, changing jobs so I can keep my apartment, and having my BPD rage, silent treatment and split with me for two months straight.

I have poor health, and the stress of looking for new work, having him leave/threaten

at the same time as trying to get everything done and not be too heartbroken is so much.

Let alone keep up with the pile of dirty dishes or try to make friends!

It truly does mean alot to contribute here. It's a great distraction and makes me feel important and helpful.

Thank you.

[CodependentHusband]

Themis,

    Love yourself! You ARE important! Your kind words are appreciated. I've read many of your posts... .  Sorry for what the challenges you've been dealing with lately. I know it is so hard.



Thanks again for lifting me up, every one of you!

[Daveh]

Hi Themis, I echo CodH.

You have said many things that have helped me understand, I hope that everything will fall in place for you