Not sure what to do next to make her come back if possible

[Depression = 72% of members]

What do i do next to make her go back to the girl listening to the angel on her shoulder not the devil in her head!

Her is the short version of mine and my now ex girlfriends relationship. I am 31 and she is 21 years old. After i have read articles i beleive the has BPD as well as the short time she went to a therapist he had said she had BPD. So here are a few things about our relationship and her so maybe some of you can concur she has BPD and what actions i should take. my ex girlfriend and i started dating in december 2011 things were great it was always in the honey moon faze no fighting, plenty of vacations and great times together. Then out of the blue one day she says she doesnt love me anymore I am to old for her(more to this statement later). we have a pretty heated breakup and she goes to vegas with her male boss literally 3 days after our break up with no remorse or feelings towards me. when she gets back from vegas she cries and says she loves me and she is sorry she went and why would i want to be with her when she was such a bad person although she said she didnt sleep with him im not sure. so as summer goes by we never really went no contact for more then a few days she would always atleast send me a text with some bull ___ question. after a while i decide to hang out with her again and win her back. we hung out like we were dating again but the intamacy wasnt there. she started dating someone towards the end of summer so no contact applied again but once he screwed her over she calls me and the nice person i am i decide to hang out with her again. well this time she cried to me saying she made a huge mistake and she never stopped loving me and lets work things out. i said lets take things slow and see how what happens. this is septemeber now and we date all the way till december on our one year back on december 11 she almost ended things but over night she changed her mind and we decide we are so happy and so in love lets get an apartment together. january 1st we move in with one another both of us so happy starting our lives together our future. things go without a hitch no fighting no disagrements since we have been together. During all this time she would say lets have a baby, then the next day say im to young i just want to party. also we had been looking at engament rings on a weekly basis. So now here comes more confusiong on valentines day she went all out lighting 100+ candles and suprising me with gifts and love. Her card saying you are the love of my life i would die without you in it and i cant wait till we have kids and get married. the whole week after she was the same all lovey dovey telling me how i am her everything and she could never see us splitting up. Then a day after she professed her love for me once again she comes home and says she doesnt love me anymore, and this relationship isnt going anywhere and im not right for her. Where did this come from? I was the love of her life her everything to I am nothing to her and she has no emotions over the breakup. It still gets weirder during our relationship when people made her sad(family) or if she regretted something she would self harm but only twice while together. No to our current situation she says she doesnt love me and we have no future together but everyday she is calling me not as much as usual but still makes contact. one night at our apartment being broke up i noticed she sent an overly flirty text to a 50 year old man, take in mind she is only 21 and 7 months earlier she said she broke up with me cause i was to old for her. but why is she sending this old man a text(im horny) but can cuddle with me in bed but with no physical things happening(sex or kissing). while being broke up though she has been self harming her self almost every other day. she says she loves me but im not the one for her, but two weeks ago i was. since we have an apartment together i have been giving her space and time to miss me so ive been satying a friends. still in limited contact with her, she still calls before she goes to bed per my request, but she is so cold to me, she not only is not eating regulary, she hasnt cleaned our apartment or done laundry since the day before our breakup she is partying and drinking, and posting attention seeking pictures on facebook, she also quit her job and dropped 2 of her 3 college courses all of this since we broke up. Is this all stemmed from BPD, was our relationship the bistander on something greater going on in her head. not only me but she told her best friend i was the love of her life on a monday then tuesday i mean nothing to her. please help me understand whats going on and what is the best source of action to get her back, most people say n/c others say show her i love her even if she pushes me away.

side note: little depression history on her or for that matter why she is depressed, her biological father left her when she was 4, her sister died when she 10 and her stepfather of 10 years left her when she was 17, as well as her mom had her early so she is more of a friend then a mother at times. hence why i am the only stable person in her life and i feel that she needs me as much as i need her

[Confused1981]

What do i do next to make her go back to the girl listening to the angel on her shoulder not the devil in her head!

Her is the short version of mine and my now ex girlfriends relationship. I am 31 and she is 21 years old. After i have read articles i beleive the has BPD as well as the short time she went to a therapist he had said she had BPD. So here are a few things about our relationship and her so maybe some of you can concur she has BPD and what actions i should take. my ex girlfriend and i started dating in december 2011 things were great it was always in the honey moon faze no fighting, plenty of vacations and great times together. Then out of the blue one day she says she doesnt love me anymore I am to old for her(more to this statement later). we have a pretty heated breakup and she goes to vegas with her male boss literally 3 days after our break up with no remorse or feelings towards me. when she gets back from vegas she cries and says she loves me and she is sorry she went and why would i want to be with her when she was such a bad person although she said she didnt sleep with him im not sure. so as summer goes by we never really went no contact for more then a few days she would always atleast send me a text with some bull ___ question. after a while i decide to hang out with her again and win her back. we hung out like we were dating again but the intamacy wasnt there. she started dating someone towards the end of summer so no contact applied again but once he screwed her over she calls me and the nice person i am i decide to hang out with her again. well this time she cried to me saying she made a huge mistake and she never stopped loving me and lets work things out. i said lets take things slow and see how what happens. this is septemeber now and we date all the way till december on our one year back on december 11 she almost ended things but over night she changed her mind and we decide we are so happy and so in love lets get an apartment together. january 1st we move in with one another both of us so happy starting our lives together our future. things go without a hitch no fighting no disagrements since we have been together. During all this time she would say lets have a baby, then the next day say im to young i just want to party. also we had been looking at engament rings on a weekly basis. So now here comes more confusiong on valentines day she went all out lighting 100+ candles and suprising me with gifts and love. Her card saying you are the love of my life i would die without you in it and i cant wait till we have kids and get married. the whole week after she was the same all lovey dovey telling me how i am her everything and she could never see us splitting up. Then a day after she professed her love for me once again she comes home and says she doesnt love me anymore, and this relationship isnt going anywhere and im not right for her. Where did this come from? I was the love of her life her everything to I am nothing to her and she has no emotions over the breakup. It still gets weirder during our relationship when people made her sad(family) or if she regretted something she would self harm but only twice while together. No to our current situation she says she doesnt love me and we have no future together but everyday she is calling me not as much as usual but still makes contact. one night at our apartment being broke up i noticed she sent an overly flirty text to a 50 year old man, take in mind she is only 21 and 7 months earlier she said she broke up with me cause i was to old for her. but why is she sending this old man a text(im horny) but can cuddle with me in bed but with no physical things happening(sex or kissing). while being broke up though she has been self harming her self almost every other day. she says she loves me but im not the one for her, but two weeks ago i was. since we have an apartment together i have been giving her space and time to miss me so ive been satying a friends. still in limited contact with her, she still calls before she goes to bed per my request, but she is so cold to me, she not only is not eating regulary, she hasnt cleaned our apartment or done laundry since the day before our breakup she is partying and drinking, and posting attention seeking pictures on facebook, she also quit her job and dropped 2 of her 3 college courses all of this since we broke up. Is this all stemmed from BPD, was our relationship the bistander on something greater going on in her head. not only me but she told her best friend i was the love of her life on a monday then tuesday i mean nothing to her. please help me understand whats going on and what is the best source of action to get her back, most people say n/c others say show her i love her even if she pushes me away.

side note: little depression history on her or for that matter why she is depressed, her biological father left her when she was 4, her sister died when she 10 and her stepfather of 10 years left her when she was 17, as well as her mom had her early so she is more of a friend then a mother at times. hence why i am the only stable person in her life and i feel that she needs me as much as i need her

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wanttoknowmore]

Reading your story is heartbreaking and I have tears in my eyes. You dont deserve this kind of abuse.

It sounds like she might have BPD and a severe on with lots of issues. In your situation, I would go complete  NC for a month and teach her that there are limits to her acting out behaviors. I wish you strenghth and peace. Many of us on these boards have gone thru such heartbreaks and we will be glad if you accept our support. I know how bad it hurts . I have experienced some of what you are going thru.

[Confused1981]

Reading your story is heartbreaking and I have tears in my eyes. You dont deserve this kind of abuse.

It sounds like she might have BPD and a severe on with lots of issues. In your situation, I would go complete  NC for a month and teach her that there are limits to her acting out behaviors. I wish you strenghth and peace. Many of us on these boards have gone thru such heartbreaks and we will be glad if you accept our support. I know how bad it hurts . I have experienced some of what you are going thru.

the biggest issue is we are both on the apartment lease together until december, the reason i signed my name on the lease is i never thought in a million years a break up would happen, i thought we would work out or problems. Should i stay continue living at a friends, kick her out, or take my name of the lease, or just wait till she becomes the girl i love again, not this witch

[briefcase]

Since this topic is now on the Staying Board, you will be getting some advice about staying in a relationship with her.  Although we don't tell each other to "run" from a relationship over here, we do understand that is always an option. 

Unfortunately, you can't really "make" her do anything. There is no healthy way to control the actions of another person.  So, you need to make some decisions about your boundaries in this relationship - what you can and can't live with.  Maybe start by reading the Lessons (there is a link on the right side of the page).  There is a lot of good information in the Lessons and they start by explaining some of the push-pull behaviors you are seeing from her.  Keep posting and let us know what you think of the Lessons.

[Confused1981]

Unfortunately, you can't really "make" her do anything. There is no healthy way to control the actions of another person.  So, you need to make some decisions about your boundaries in this relationship - what you can and can't live with.  Maybe start by reading the Lessons (there is a link on the right side of the page).  There is a lot of good information in the Lessons and they start by explaining some of the push-pull behaviors you are seeing from her.  Keep posting and let us know what you think of the Lessons.

dont you think that counceling and medication might bring her back to planet earth, not self harm and open her heart up again? or is the out of sight out of mind thing real cause if thats the case then i dont beleive no contact is the right thing to do

[inepted]

dont you think that counceling and medication might bring her back to planet earth, not self harm and open her heart up again? or is the out of sight out of mind thing real cause if thats the case then i dont beleive no contact is the right thing to do

NC shouldn't be used to punish her or try and teach her a lesson. Its meant for you to allow you to detach focus on yourself.

Counseling and medication will help some, from personal experience. But it only works so much, and if she is really putting in the effort. My pwBPD has been going to therapy for more than a year and DBT for a month now. While she admits to having issues, she still sees everyone else is to blame for the way everything is, and things are gradually getting worse.

[Confused1981]

Just had a phone conversation with my ex and trying to get answers out of her is nearly impossible , I asked her did you just wake up one day and not wanna be with me her answer was yes so I continued on that and did you mean I was the love of your life the day before she said yes . So it literally was like a light switch. I also brought up to her how once you felt you didn't love me anymore havnt you seen your not being your self and gave her the examples how she quit one of her jobs, slacking in school, not cleaning up the apartment, self harming yourself more now then ever, and how you have been doing reckless things like drinking and driving. While I said this she didnt say a word once I was done she said "I don't know I don't want to talk about it anymore" also during our conversation she was saying things that she knew would upset me. When I offered to help her into counseling she said she doesn't need my help anymore she has other people to help her. Why is she pushing me away I still don't know. Should I let her keep pushing until she hits rock bottom and realize she that she does need me, I'm so lost on what to do. I have such a big heart that I can take allot of crap and as much as it pains me to say I know this dark side of her is not someone I want to be with but my heart says she needs me cause no one else will take care of her and support her

[fakename]

confused,

sorry to hear of your pain.

based on what i have done since breaking up with my exgf with BPD (undiagnosed), i would just suggest you should do as much for yourself as you do for her. 

you should really go through the lessons and especially reading all the articles:

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles11.htm

i think it's really important you do that, and then think about things and look at yourself.

you may get some more clarity after that, as i surely did.

[Confused1981]

does anyone know once a BPD person goes into the not caring about anything phase goes into party mode and doing things that are making their condition worse.

[wanttoknowmore]

. Confused1981,

I know what you are going though as I have gone through something similar recently. When BPD is dysregulated, their mind gets extremely overwhelmed with inteanse emotions. They have to protect themselves by shutting down  and/or raging out bacause they are in a dark,painful state.

This can last from a few days to a few months. Eventually, they come out of this dysregulation.

Their partner gets very confused, sad and angry by their abrupt change to negative worldview and hurtful things they say and do.

The right way to deal with this dysrelated loved one is :

(1) Do Not bring up emotionally charged heavy topic about what happened and whats going on etc.

Leave these topics for later when their intense emotions subside.

(2) Let them know that you are going to be there and is willing to support in way possible.

(3) Validate that they are going through a difficult time bur you still love her and wait for her.

(4)The  goal is to not intensify their feelings more as their pot is overflowing and already full with feelings.

It needs a lot of patience and love to be able to tolerate and not lash out or counter her rage.

Good Luck.

[briefcase]

This condition is very baffling indeed. The confusion and pain you are feeling is, unfortunately, very familiar to all of us here. I'm sorry your world is spinning right now.  It's so confusing and painful when a seeminly great relationship turns on a dime and you are told you aren't loved anymore, and for no good reason.  We also understand what its like to watch someone we care about turn down an unhealthy and self-destructive path.  The urge to help our partners - to fix them - runs strong in most of us.  You are among people who "get it." 

It's natural to feel anxious right now.  But, I assure you, there is a path forward.  Please read the Lessons.  As you read them, try to keep in the back of your mind that the Lessons are about managing yourself in this relationship, as opposed to trying to get her to do things you want.  As strange as it seems, we actually focus much more on ourselves here than on our partners with BPD.  It becomes clearer the more you read and work here.   

So, hang in there.  People with BPD engage in a lot of "push and pull" dynamics.  The "pull" feels great - we are the "love of their life", etc.  The "push" feels terrible - we get "painted black" and told we are hated, not loved, etc.  These phases usually alternate, so what she is saying to you right now, might abruptly change again.  In the meantime, its a great opportunity to read the matierals we have here!

[Confused1981]

This condition is very baffling indeed. The confusion and pain you are feeling is, unfortunately, very familiar to all of us here. I'm sorry your world is spinning right now.  It's so confusing and painful when a seeminly great relationship turns on a dime and you are told you aren't loved anymore, and for no good reason.  We also understand what its like to watch someone we care about turn down an unhealthy and self-destructive path.  The urge to help our partners - to fix them - runs strong in most of us.  You are among people who "get it." 

It's natural to feel anxious right now.  But, I assure you, there is a path forward.  Please read the Lessons.  As you read them, try to keep in the back of your mind that the Lessons are about managing yourself in this relationship, as opposed to trying to get her to do things you want.  As strange as it seems, we actually focus much more on ourselves here than on our partners with BPD.  It becomes clearer the more you read and work here.   

So, hang in there.  People with BPD engage in a lot of "push and pull" dynamics.  The "pull" feels great - we are the "love of their life", etc.  The "push" feels terrible - we get "painted black" and told we are hated, not loved, etc.  These phases usually alternate, so what she is saying to you right now, might abruptly change again.  In the meantime, its a great opportunity to read the matierals we have here!

Do you agree since i seem to be the trigger here or atleast the one being punished by her mental episode i should just go light contact, i know for myself its better but whats better for the relationship with a BPD person

[briefcase]

Do you agree since i seem to be the trigger here or atleast the one being punished by her mental episode i should just go light contact, i know for myself its better but whats better for the relationship with a BPD person

Here is a general rule of thumb - if it's better for you, its also better for her (even if she tells you loudly that it isn't).  In this case, chasing her around will not make her want you.  Work on yourself, give her space.  Let her come to you.  There are no guarantees here, but she may just reach out to you.    

[Rockylove]

does anyone know once a BPD person goes into the not caring about anything phase goes into party mode and doing things that are making their condition worse.

They can't see the forest for the trees when dysregulated.  I'm going through it with my fiance at the moment as well (I swear there's something in the moon cycle~~many dysregulated BPD's lately!)  Anyway... .  In order to maintain my sanity, I've told him that it's difficult for me to see him drinking excessively (which he only seems to be doing when his son is here) and that I love him and I'm not leaving the relationship, but I'll be spending the night with friends.  I'm not asking him to do anything differently.  I just don't want to be woken in the middle of the night nor do I want to witness the aftermath of drunkenness. 

I've no idea how this will play out, but I need to set the boundary for myself.  He knows that I'm uncomfortable with the behavior and it's up to him to choose whether he will continue on the destructive path or not.  I will love him regardless~~that doesn't change.  What does change is that I will be ok either way.  The relationship may not survive, but I will.

[Confused1981]

   

Re: Confused on getting her back, does she really have BPD

« Reply #14 on: Today at 07:14:18 PM »

Quote  Modify

Status update, today was a rough day for my exgf and allot of truths came out. I get a phone call at 645am with her crying her eyes out. She states she has been doing cocaine for the past 3 days and doing other things like drinking and driving. She stated she hated herself for doing these bad things as well as other. Once again stating she doesn't feel like herself anymore and she doesn't want to live like this anymore and is talking about ending her life. I took alarm to this and was taking to her parents house. Before getting there she was sending me signals she deserperatly seeking professional help. 1 mile away from her parents she recanted saying everything with her is ok. I didn't listen so as soon as we got to her parents house and seen her mom she broke down talking suicide and how she hates her life. What they decided with my input was to put her in the hospital is the psych ward. During this time at the hospital before being admitted she was become more stable but she did end up signing herself into the hospital. I'm so proud of her for that,

Questions for you guys to go along with your comments  from my post

Should I sit back since I am her xbf and let her family help her. (She is lying to them about me introducing her to drugs but I did not and I explained that to her parents and I hope they beleive me, not sure why blame me and protect the others responsible)

Do I now consider our relationship fully over even though today when she was crying said she hates herself without me in it

What do I do in general? (Should I visit the hospital) (call for daily status updates from her family)

I am so glad I am the person she came to with this hitting rock bottom, but as her xbf she has pushing away why come to me, then lie about things to her parents about me.

Last night in so glad she is getting help but it kills me inside thinking of her all alone in a mental ward of a hospital


Thanks for all your future replies

[Grey Kitty]

Wow. Calling that a rough day is quite the understatement 

Should I sit back since I am her xbf and let her family help her. (She is lying to them about me introducing her to drugs but I did not and I explained that to her parents and I hope they beleive me, not sure why blame me and protect the others responsible)

If her family believes seems angry with you for things you did (or didn't do) I'd probably let them have space.

Do I now consider our relationship fully over even though today when she was crying said she hates herself without me in it

Uhm. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. That is, believe that she feels 100% that things are over with you one time, and 100% that she can't live without you the next. It really doesn't make sense, but she really is feeling it. You really can't be sure how many times she will change her mind on this, or how often.

Can you live with these fluctuations?

What do I do in general? (Should I visit the hospital) (call for daily status updates from her family)

I wouldn't chase after her or stalk her if she wants to stay clear of you. But if you really do want to support her, you can let her know.

I am so glad I am the person she came to with this hitting rock bottom, but as her xbf she has pushing away why come to me, then lie about things to her parents about me.

Last night in so glad she is getting help but it kills me inside thinking of her all alone in a mental ward of a hospital

Take some time reading the lessons here and understanding her behavior and what you can do to make things better.

Also make sure you are taking care of yourself as well. If you are going to be with her, you need to keep yourself really solid and grounded to deal with the stuff she is throwing at you.

[Confused1981]

UPDATE!

So my ex was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and for the past two weeks she has been diagnosed to have been in a manic phase. I know this is a BPD forum so i still beleive after doing my research she has BPD over bi polar. During this time she has been hospitilized for a psych evaluation and when we talk she sounds almost normal again. She is now going through therapy as well prescribed some mood stabelizing drugs. My main concern right now is helping her fight this disease and support her 100%. But for all of you on this board how do i make her come back to me, she feels guilt and sorrow for the things she did during the manic phase (she did not sleep with anyone) but I want to be able to help her as her significant other not just her friend, do i take things very slowly and wait till she is back to 100% or what is the best way to make this person fall back in love with you? When i visited her in the hosipital she cuddled up with me during group therapy, and keeps saying i need you in my life even though i dont know what is going to happen with us. Please someone tell me what the best course of action for me to take is.

[briefcase]

But for all of you on this board how do i make her come back to me, she feels guilt and sorrow for the things she did during the manic phase (she did not sleep with anyone) but I want to be able to help her as her significant other not just her friend, do i take things very slowly and wait till she is back to 100% or what is the best way to make this person fall back in love with you?

There is no way to "make" someone come back to you or "make" them fall back in love with you.  The best you can do is let her know you care, be there when she needs you . . . but don't over pursue.  She and her family are going through quite a lot right now and rekindling a romantic relationship is probably not her priority.  If you love her, then let her heal.  Love is patient . . . .

[LetItBe]

I'm so glad she's getting help, confused!  

I'd suggest remaining supportive while keeping the pressure off of her.  I know someone who is bipolar (and perhaps has BPD), and I recall her saying about my pwBPD when he was struggling once:  "He's probably feeling a lot of pressure right now.  :)on't press things right now.  Be cool and calm."  She's got a lot of self-healing to do, which will likely require an enormous amount of energy.  Be patient with her.  

Also, while you're supporting her, remember to take good care YOU, too!  Engage in your own activities outside of your r/s so you don't become enmeshed and can be in a better, healthier space emotionally for BOTH of you.

Good luck to you both!

[Grey Kitty]

So my ex was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and for the past two weeks she has been diagnosed to have been in a manic phase. I know this is a BPD forum so i still beleive after doing my research she has BPD over bi polar. During this time she has been hospitilized for a psych evaluation and when we talk she sounds almost normal again. She is now going through therapy as well prescribed some mood stabelizing drugs. My main concern right now is helping her fight this disease and support her 100%.

She could have bipolar, BPD, or both. From what I've read, bipolar does respond well to medications, or at least as well as other mental illnesses. I've not heard many reports of BPD responding well to medications. I've also read that when these medications do work, it usually takes quite a while to dial them in correctly.

But for all of you on this board how do i make her come back to me.

I'm sorry to say, but you can't make anyone do anything. So you can't make her come back to you either.

What you can do is work on your own issues, and work on how you respond to her--because if she has BPD, she will do things that take real effort on your part to not take personally and not blow up at her over.

Have you read the Lessons on how to improve your relationship in this forum? They did make a huge difference in my life!