If Physical?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just curious, what should I do in the event my stb exuBPDh becomes physical with me?  I'm afraid once we start this process, his behavior may escalate. Recently he's becoming more and more verbal with me in front of the children.   

[Mind]

Just curious, what should I do in the event my stb exuBPDh becomes physical with me?  I'm afraid once we start this process, his behavior may escalate. Recently he's becoming more and more verbal with me in front of the children.   

[marbleloser]

If he becomes physical,you have no option except to call the police and press charges.There's no excuse for either the husband or wife to become physically violent.I grew up in a home with physical violence from both sides.It's something you never forget.Even the verbal abuse I remember.

[Mind]

He is so scary to me.  He's always been. I've had a lot of fear that if we ever did D, he would try to hurt me in every way possible.  Even my family is worried about it.  Once I start doing things to show I am strong, setting firm limits and boundaries,  that's when things escalate with him.  I am preparing myself because I am making a finance change that will affect him very soon.  He is not going to like it but I just don't have any other option. 

[marbleloser]

I went through the same.When you stick to your boundaries and finally say "Enough!" or "No",seems to be when the other party becomes unglued.If you're like me,you've given in time and time again and they think that you'll do it again if they become more irate.Think "extinction burst".

Part of the problem is,we enabled them.By not setting boundaries early on,and sticking to them,we taught them that they can treat us a certain way.

If it gets out of hand,leave! I had the stbx served at work.I got a barrage of texts that afternoon.My reasoning was I never knew if she'd be at her home or at one of her boyfriends house,but I knew she'd be at work.Not the easiest of decisions,but I had process server do it instead of the sheriff,in order to minimize any embarassment.Still looking out for her interest.It did no good.

[scraps66]

I think if you did some research on here you'd find that going to the police may not be the best first step.  I have read where the surest way to address a physcial confrontation would be to run tot he courthouse as fast as possible.  Not exactly sure waht you'd file, maybe order for protection.  but calling the polcie, unless you are in imminent danger, may not be the best course.  If you were to search on name, "TCarlisle" you'd find this topic discussed and explained.  Wife came at him with a meat clever.

[Forestaken]

I am a male and was physically abused by uBPD+dOCD+s2bxw

1) make an exit plan (contact you local woman's shelter)

2) Have copies of all important documents moved off-site (I used my sweaty gym bag or mixed the docs with coupons I clipped during my lunch hour.  Her bathroom time was when I acted)

3) have some money (cash) set aside.  Escape funds.

4) have clothes and a place to shower ready. I moved clothes to my office.

No reason for anyone to hit you.  If he was a stranger, he couldn't get away with it in court.

[coffee shop]

Sparkle - I too was worried that my xh would be physicial when served or after. His adult son told my daughter to tell me to be careful. He didn't come to me and tell me because he is scared of his Dad. I still believed that he loved me and didn't want to believe he would really hurt me physically, just emotionally.

That was a big mistake on my part.

Be careful! believe in your gut feelings.

Don't take chances.

Keep your phone with you at all times and have 911 set to speed dial.

Never be alone with him/her after you file, not at home not at a public place.

Tell a friend or family member where you are going and how long you will be gone.

Use your attorney for communications.

Make a plan for you and your children if you have minor children.

Contact your domestic violience center, They will meet you in secret and give you guidance.

Again, trust yourself, don't trust him.

Never hesitate to call 911.

[Mind]

So to confirm it's okay to call 911?   We do have small children.  Or would the children and me drive to the station or call from elsewhere if an episode were to happen? I'm trying to have a plan just in case. When he told me we were over, he blocked me from walking to the kitchen with his body and told me his car is in the way so I had nowhere to go.  I do carry my cell phone with me at all times, and it's even in my hand when I walk in the house room to room.  For a long time I've tried to stay away from him and not be left alone with him.

Coffee S - great list.  I think I will start letting my family know when I go out and leave places. I'll have to look up the info for our d. violence center nearby so I have it in case.  Just trying to be prepared because I'm seeing he's doing some horribly nasty things.

[krista8521]

The first time he is even yells in front of the kids or at you, get up and leave without hesitation.

Record any phone calls and try to limit contact via text or email.

I would also have a recorder hidden during any contact, that way if he does get stupid you have proof.

Anything physical call police asap, then apply for a No contact/restraining order.

stay safe and try to never meet with him alone, ask someone to be there during that time.

[GreenMango]

Sparkle have you called a local domestic violence center?  Since you are trying to be proactive its good to talk to someone there and develop a safety plan.  Others in thread mentioned some things that are part of one-copies of documents, emergency bag, etc.

Ideally its a balance between imminent threat (911) and not exacerbating any more conflict while you get your ducks in a row.  Leaving suddenly or explosive arguments if you aren't ready to leave can present a danger and risk for everyone's safety. 

It's good you are planning.

Can you call one today and let us know what they say?

[ForeverDad]

One problem with driving to the police station is that when you got there, the officers could tell you that with you there, then the incident was over or not actionable any longer.  Their primary purpose as first responders is to de-escalate any incident.  Once you're away from him, then the incident *may* be considered 'over'.  They may still accompany you back and speak with him, but it won't be seen with the same immediacy as a 911 call.

Besides, if it's that bad he may not allow you to leave.  (That's what happened many times with my ex in my final year or so with her.  At least once she even jumped on my back piggyback style to keep me from leaving.  I couldn't carry a kid and her both.  Other times she grabbed the phone from me.)  What if he takes your keys?  Or blocks the door?  Ponder how you would handle various scenarios.

Keep in mind that once the authorities are involved, the level of conflict is brought to a higher level and there may not be any way to "go back" to the way it was before.  So if you do end up calling 911, be prepared to follow through and seek a restraining or protection order, because he will probably be fuming or simmering below the surface.  (I called 911 - once.  We separated within a week, both of us had temporary protection orders against the other, she never wanted to reconcile and within a few months I filed for divorce.  Though I could see The End approaching in those final months, that phone call set a barrier to any hope of calming things down.  Going back to the way things were, of course, wouldn't have been a solution anyway.  The relationship had imploded, it was just a matter of extricating myself and son to the extent possible.)

Being of the male persuasion, I figured I was the one most at risk if 911 was called.  So I tried to secretly carry a voice recorder with me.  Partly to record any threats and partly to defend myself against false allegations.  Sure enough, when I called 911, she calmed down by the time they arrived and she claimed I was the one being abusive. (Typical disordered blaming, projection and evasion of consequences.)  But my preschooler was clinging to me, wouldn't go to her and so I think my son saved me that day from getting carted off.

[Forward2free]

I am so glad you are going with your intuition. I ignored mine many times, trying to convince myself he wouldn't hurt the children... .  and then one day I knew N/BPDxh was different, and my plan became real. He was served with divorce papers and decided to kill me and the kids so that no one would win. Long story short (my long story is on this forum) and the police acted and I took out restraining orders.

This may not be the same in your case, I just want to share what happened to me.

Worst part, I had only called the police 3 times over 10 years, even though I should have dozens more times. He used that against me to say there wasn't a pattern and he was depressed at this marriage ending and overreacted, out of character, was all my fault etc.

Be careful. Meet your neighbours if you haven't already and let them know that you are at risk. My neighbour and I had a signal with my bedroom light and she would call me. My family knew if they got an SMS with the number 7, I needed them immediately at the house. Number 5 meant call the police for me and come. I would sleep with the SMS ready to send just in case.

I bought a watch with a voice recorder on it. Many times N/BPDxh grabbed my iphone and threw it to stop me recording him. He didn't know about the watch, so he would get mad when he realised my phone wasn't recording and rage more.

Stay calm, get your plans in place, involve neighbours, friends and family, be ready to act, take care xxx

[coffee shop]

Sparkle,

Our local YMCA has contact information about the DV center, if you can find a number otherwise, try them. I agree with G.M., you need to call today and visit with them. You don't have to act on any information they give you but use their wisdom.

[livednlearned]

Hi Sparkle,

Your story reminds me so much of my ex's behavior prior to when I left. I had been planning to leave for a long time, and actively prepared to leave for a year. I got a storage locker and put everything sentimental in there, as well as a full set of clothes for me and S11 in case I had to flee. I photocopied documents and opened a credit card in my name only. I had a safety plan with neighbors similar to what Kormilda mentioned, and carried a recording device around with me. It's hard to work that stuff when you're paralyzed with fear -- I like Kormilda's suggestion to have two devices.

Did your L tell you to abandon the marital home if you felt afraid? My L said it was best-case scenario to stay (sounds like that is what your stbxh's L is telling him), but she also said leave if I felt like my ex was going to hurt me. Can you ask your L about moving out with the kids? Ask your L how that would affect your case. I would also ask your L what happens if have to leave the house without the kids.

Has your H been abusive to you before? Do you know what the requirements are for getting a protective order? If your H does get physical, call 911 right away. Call the DV. Go to a center and see if they have an advocate -- usually, those are staff members trained to help DV survivors with the restraining order in court, and they'll go with you and help walk through the process.

Has your H isolated you from friends? If so, are there neighbors you can contact? Definitely contact your local DV, or at least know the hotline and call for advice. They're really good at thinking through contingency plans. If your H gets physical and you go to a hotel, have cash so he can't track you through a credit card. And tell the hotel to not let anyone know your real name.

If you can, try to not let his car block yours. Get copies of keys and have them hidden outside or under your car somewhere. Do you have an iPhone, or some kind of phone that allows you to look up information? If not, get the name and number of taxi companies that will come to you in case you have to leave the house.

Sorry for all the questions. But I know the kind of fear you're dealing with right now, and it's really hard to think straight. The best way to deal with that is to get as much information as possible, and have not just one plan but many.

Women (and abused men) do get out safely, and they get stronger and start to heal. You'll find strength in you that you never knew you had, and it's going to change your life. Divorcing him is the right step, and I know it feels scary right now, but you can do this. You're smart and capable -- and he is purposefully trying to intimidate you so that you feel this level of fear. Not saying he won't do anything, just that the anxiety you feel is what he's going for. The best antidote to that is to plan plan plan.

I'm pulling for you! Hang in there.

[Mind]

Thank you everyone for your help with this.  I really appreciate it.   I have feared us divorcing for a very long time of what he would do to me and here I am. I'm proud of myself for being strong and firm.   

As far as important papers go, he took the key to our home safe so I can't get into it right now.  I emailed my attorney this. He's also left me no access to my paycheck without any explanation, so that will be relocated soon. That's my fear - once he finds this out that he won't have access to my money, I feel it may really escalate.   His behavior toward me is worse this week. He's called me a manipulator in front of the children. Today I was trying to put socks on my daughter, he was holding her and turned his body away and blocked me from putting the socks on her.  He's acting strange and they are flocking to him, because of his new, sudden interest and interactions with them.  He also told my d -  "Mommy won't let me take you to school."  He's even an educator - just sick. 

He's clearly getting angrier and more controlling as I show my strength. And it's so true, he wants me to be afraid.  He probably gets a high on what he is doing.  He even has this evil look to him.  He looks at me with this look of death. He told me once, "Oh, you'll know when I'm mad at you." 

Livednlearned:   Thank you for your comments.  I haven't communicated anything about the situation with my attorney yet.  I just retained her last week so I'm unsure about moving out, if I can do that.  Has he been abusive?  I have a documented history (one year) of verbal and emotional abuse that he's done. I have a goodbye letter from him telling me to take care of the kids. I have letters from him stating he has a problem with anger and his parents are aggressive as well.  He became physical one time with me, pushed my leg because I did not want to be intimate with him when things were starting to get bad. I have one neighbor next door that I could talk to. She is pretty close with me and I haven't told her of the D yet. He hasn't isolated me from friends.  My family is well aware of everything about him and his behavior. 

Coffeeshop - I will look online today to find a number.  I didn't know the Y would be a resource so thank you.

My questions: Should I email my attorney today to advise her of his aggressive behavior escalating in front of the children? How do I word it?  Do I let her know that I feel unsafe? What about the times he's abruptly taken our children in secret and made me to think they weren't coming home? He has plans for his parents to take them places and wrote it on the calendar - has not told me about this, who is driving them, what time, etc.  Can he even do this?   If I contacted a DV center, what do I say? This wouldn't be held against me with having children, would it?  So I should notify my neighbor?  It's hard to even think straight right now.

[livednlearned]

My questions: Should I email my attorney today to advise her of his aggressive behavior escalating in front of the children? How do I word it?  Do I let her know that I feel unsafe? What about the times he's abruptly taken our children in secret and made me to think they weren't coming home? He has plans for his parents to take them places and wrote it on the calendar - has not told me about this, who is driving them, what time, etc.  Can he even do this?   If I contacted a DV center, what do I say? This wouldn't be held against me with having children, would it?  So I should notify my neighbor?  It's hard to even think straight right now.

Definitely tell your L that you are fearful.

There are two parts to this. One is your safety. The other is using his abusive behavior in court. For the first, she can give you some information and advice in case you do leave the marital home suddenly. It will help you with your planning. For the second, ask her about the scenarios you have described. If they are from a long time ago, they may not help your case. But she'll want to know both to help with custody issues, and to help think about strategy for you.

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? I never believed my ex was abusive because he never beat me. But he hurt my dog to hurt me, shoved me, locked me out of the house, slammed doors on me, screamed inches from my face, called me names, threw things at my head, hid stuff from me, and threatened. He was definitely abusive, and I was afraid of him, but for some reason I never thought of him as an abuser. It will help you to read the book so you know how to describe the abuse, and how to advocate for yourself. A lot of times, people like us get beaten down inside, and we don't call it what it is.

[Mind]

Well I emailed my L. I told gave her a brief 2-sentence history, told her my fears and how the behavior is escalating fast. Within 15 minutes she wrote back saying to call 911 if I ever feel threatened, and that she will contact his L to discuss his behavior and the possibility of him moving out while a resolution is made.

I came home this evening to find him not at home. No note or text. Meanwhile I was at the pediatrician. So now I'm worried he'll walk in at 1 am or how the morning will go.

[scraps66]

Sparkle, what you're describing, the circumstances and the behaviors, is very similar to my exuBPD (w/NPD traits)w's leading up to the time she filed for exclusive possession of the marital residence.  She filed a petition indicating that I was the one making the house intolerable for her, and our two boys.  It was in fact the exact opposite, my ex was casting domestic violence, or the threat of, all over the house.  In the end, the judge coaersced my attorney to make a dela in chambers to get me to "agree" and I was evicted and out in two months.  Clearly the wrong decision was made and without my testimony permitted, I was thronw out.  Better that we were apart, there were threats of PFAs, etc., and she had begun calling the cops on a rfegular basis to control me, or express her power. 

Your case and the circumstances justify the situation of seizing exclusive possession of the marital residence.  This may be something you want to discuss with your L.  Some attorneys don't like the exclusive possession checkmate as there are usually ways to resolve things without going to court.  Not with a BP.  So maybe your attorney hasn't considered it, if you're feeling threatened and fearful for your safety and that of children, maybe you could discuss the option with your attorney.

[livednlearned]

Sparkle, what you're describing, the circumstances and the behaviors, is very similar to my exuBPD (w/NPD traits)w's leading up to the time she filed for exclusive possession of the marital residence.  She filed a petition indicating that I was the one making the house intolerable for her, and our two boys.  It was in fact the exact opposite, my ex was casting domestic violence, or the threat of, all over the house.  In the end, the judge coaersced my attorney to make a dela in chambers to get me to "agree" and I was evicted and out in two months.  Clearly the wrong decision was made and without my testimony permitted, I was thronw out.  Better that we were apart, there were threats of PFAs, etc., and she had begun calling the cops on a rfegular basis to control me, or express her power. 

Your case and the circumstances justify the situation of seizing exclusive possession of the marital residence.  This may be something you want to discuss with your L.  Some attorneys don't like the exclusive possession checkmate as there are usually ways to resolve things without going to court.  Not with a BP.  So maybe your attorney hasn't considered it, if you're feeling threatened and fearful for your safety and that of children, maybe you could discuss the option with your attorney.

Are you ok?

I think scraps66 advice is really good. You probably feel very afraid of staying in the house if you do get exclusive possession? I did, which is why I fled and moved into an apartment. But in my state, moving out like that can be considered "abandoning bed and board," and N/BPDx could have made it hard for me to get the house. He didn't try really, and I didn't want it anyway, so he's in the process of refinancing it. I chose a place to live where I felt safer and have a garage so he can't see whether I'm home or not. You want to get your anxiety and stress down as much as possible, then worry about other big issues like supporting yourself.

Your L should also be talking to you about filing for temporary support while the divorce is pending. Have you had any conversations about that yet?

Hang in there. It's going to be a bit hairy for a while, but it will get a little less so. First, get together a good plan in case things get dangerous, and then starting pushing your L to help you get the finances straightened out. Can your family help out a bit during the interim? Will you go straight to mediation to figure out the support?

[Mind]

I am okay-- thank you.  Hanging in here. This is a great place for support and I truly hope everyone finds peace in all of these painful situations. 

My fear and anxiety tends to increase during the times he is in the house with me.  He is still residing there. Regarding possession of the property, we haven't gotten that far.  The issue is he won't leave me alone while residing in the house.  I'm waiting for my L to talk to his to see if he can leave.  My recent fear came from this past week of him starting to have daily episodes in front of the children.  Things like humiliating me, shutting the door in my face and taking the kids places without any information and alluding to the fact that they might not be home.  All very serious and unstable behavior.

Can you clarify temporary support?  We haven't discussed anything with that. I highly doubt mediation will work with him.  He can't even hold a normal conversation with me.   My main concern is the children and the finances, well, pretty much everything is now my concern and being able to get through this. 

[livednlearned]

I am okay-- thank you.  Hanging in here. This is a great place for support and I truly hope everyone finds peace in all of these painful situations. 

My fear and anxiety tends to increase during the times he is in the house with me.  He is still residing there. Regarding possession of the property, we haven't gotten that far.  The issue is he won't leave me alone while residing in the house.  I'm waiting for my L to talk to his to see if he can leave.  My recent fear came from this past week of him starting to have daily episodes in front of the children.  Things like humiliating me, shutting the door in my face and taking the kids places without any information and alluding to the fact that they might not be home.  All very serious and unstable behavior.

Can you clarify temporary support?  We haven't discussed anything with that. I highly doubt mediation will work with him.  He can't even hold a normal conversation with me.   My main concern is the children and the finances, well, pretty much everything is now my concern and being able to get through this. 

So every state is a bit different, but here, my L said:

1. Call 911 if he hurts you. Call DV center.

2. Move out if you don't feel safe.

3. We could have filed to have him move out (I was too scared for that)

4. She told me to take 1/2 savings or 1/2 home equity to live off of while we waited for temporary support

5. Mediation (we settled on some things, but not all. Most BPD divorces don't do so well in mediation, but in your state, it might be required)

My date of separation (DOS) was Oct 29, 2010. I had to support myself with money I took out from that day until Feb, 2011 when we had mediation. During mediation, N/BPDx was in his room with his L, and I was in my room with my L. The mediator helped determine temporary support going forward (he had to pay for car payment, plus child support, plus alimony). We worked that out in mediation, and visitation for S11. I also had to disclose where I was living. We did not agree on joint legal custody.

In my state, there isn't really "sole" custody. There is sole or joint physical custody (plus one parent as primary or custodial parent), and then sole or joint legal custody (allows parents access to medical and education records) as well as decision-making. For example, I am the primary custodial parent, we share joint legal custody, and we were assigned a parenting coordinator to help with decision-making. At the moment, I've filed for sole legal custody, which will give me decision-making powers so I don't have to confer with N/BPDx. That motion is pending.

We can help you with all that stuff when it starts to happen for you. Right now, you may want to ask your L what to do about temporary support, whether you can have him removed from the house, get him to give you access to financial accounts and records, etc.

Your first decision is whether you want to stay in the house. Next decision, if you want to leave, is where to go. Find out from your L if  you can take the kids. Prepare for a short window of time where you will need to support yourself and the kids -- at least until mediation or some kind of settlement to determine temporary support. Your L will be able to help estimate child support and alimony. Tell your L that you have redirected your paycheck to an account so you can access your money, and that you are very afraid of H's reaction when he discovers. Ask you L if you can record H without getting consent -- every state has different laws.

Hope this helps. I know it's hard to think when stress is so high. The yelling at you in front of the kids and slamming doors is temporary, and kids do recover when they have a stable, steady loving parent to guide them. You'll recover too! First, look out for your safety and get as much info from your L as possible so you know what to expect and how to make decisions. And we're here for you too 

LnL

[Forward2free]

Great advice from LnL.

I too chose to leave the marital home and N/BPDxh applied to live there, but the protection order was listed against that address and his request was denied. We decided to sell and the property remained vacant for 8 months whilst I lived with my parents. I didn't want to be exposed in a house that he knew as well as me. It terrified me that he kept coming into the house when I was there even after I changed the locks etc. I don't think I slept properly in over 5 years. I also had a pair of shears in my bedside table drawer under a book for self defence. Would it have helped? Not sure, but I felt better knowing I had access to something sharp, :-)

The quicker either you or he is out of the house, the better. Safety of the children is paramount and I would be very worried that he is trying to scare you with details about the children's whereabouts.

Have you called a DV support service yet? I even called the men's support line and found someone to talk to. They were great, I just wanted someone to give me realistic ideas of what to do when I was too terrified to leave.

[livednlearned]

Like Kormilda said, it's a good idea to call and talk to someone in a DV center.  Here's a national hotline if you want generic information:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)   www.ndvh.org 

I think there's something very difficult to admit about abuse -- we tend to think "real" abuse is when our spouses are hitting us. I did not consider myself someone who was being abused, and yet I fled in fear that my ex would do something serious. Then over a year later, he sent 100+ messages in 12 hours all night long, and terrorized me into thinking he was going to kill himself and our son. I went to the DV center to file a protective order and felt like an impostor. Even though he fits the profile of someone who could do serious harm (both in words and actions), I still had this magical thinking that somehow I could fix this thing on my own. That thinking prevented me from calling the DV center before I left. Women tend to think that domestic violence means a history of being beaten. It is true that being physically hit is a serious form of abuse, but so is verbal abuse and what some people call "environmental" abuse, when your abuser throws things or slams doors on you, or locks you out of the house, or punches walls, or denies you access to money and resources. All this is to say that you are the exact type of woman DV centers and DV hotlines are there to help. They understand the mentality when we live with abusers for a long time. They understand, "He hasn't hit me... .  yet." Abusers have different profiles. Some of them don't lift a finger until one day they snap. Some of them escalate slowly. I think it's considered boiling the frog -- most of us here can identify with that: turning the heat up so slowly that you don't realize you're cooking until it's too late. If you haven't yet called a DV hotline or center, check your thinking! It could be that you have an emotional block about what it means to be abused. Try to just call them, and let go of any judgements about what it means. Tell yourself that you just want to learn one new thing about how to protect yourself in case your situation gets worse.

Another book you may want to read is The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. His book won't decrease your anxiety but he will give you permission to really listen to your intuition. Living with an abuser for a long time makes you second guess that intuition. He also has a good section on protection orders -- sometimes you can actually create more danger for yourself if you get one, and he helps you walk through the thinking so you know whether or not your abuser fits that profile.

It's a good idea to call the DV hotline, just to talk to someone and let them know you're scared, and to ask them what should you be doing. Like all volunteer services, you'll get some fantastic people, and others who are young and don't know much. When I went to the DV center, the girl doing my intake was way in over her head. I knew more about what was going on than she did, but she was, like, 19 years old and brand new. If you get someone like that, keep calling until you find someone who reassures you.

There are a lot of women like us out there. People you would NEVER expect have been in abusive relationships. I'm learning from friends here on bpdfamily.com that it's the same for many men -- but my experience is as a woman and it's what I know.

Take deep breaths. And try to take care of yourself -- this is hard stuff.



LnL

[livednlearned]

Here's a workshop on bpdfamily.com about abuse that you might find helpful (gives a breakdown of the different kinds of abuse there are). And sorry if I'm reading too much into your posts right now -- I'm definitely projecting my own experience on you! It took me a long time to admit that I was in an abusive r/s, and that meant that the water was boiling hot by the time I got out. My frog was cooked. That's pretty typical, unfortunately.

Workshop: Physically abusive relationships: Are you in one?

[Mind]

LVL and Kormilda - Thank you for your help. I really appreciate you reading and replying.  It sounds like you have been through some very difficult times as well.  I'll check out the workshop. 

Update:  Last night was another episode, only worse.   I had just given my D a bath and was trying to comb out the tangles in her hair.  It's always kind of a chore getting them out but I try.  He stormed into the room and started screaming at me, "Stop hurting her! You better stop hurting our kids!"  He looked me in the eye with his killer eyes and shook his finger at me. This is so far from reality.  I was trying to help her.  He was more than just angry.  He got closer to me, grabbed the detangler out of my hand causing the nozzle to break off and twisted my finger in the meantime.  He left the house for a therapy appointment. Obviously therapy is not help him. I called my counselor and she talked me through it because I was shaking and very upset.  He did this right in front of the kids without a care.  They saw it. 

I will email my lawyer to let her know this situation is urgent and he needs to get out of the house as soon as possible.  I will also call the DV number and see if I can talk to someone about getting through this weekend.  I also want to inform my neighbor.   My intuition has been telling me that it's going to get worse and last night it did. I don't want to be home much this weekend with him.  I heard him say he's planning on taking my D on an overnight at his parents.  Now is not the time to be doing this and I definitely do not feel safe with him or when our children are with him.

[catnap]

I hope your L finds that you have enough to get a PO which will quickly remove him from the house.  I fear he is trying to set up abuse charges against you.  Include the incident and what he said about hurting the children to your L. 

Please let us know what your L advised.

[Mind]

I got that feeling yesterday as well.  It's so completely far fetched. My L just got back to me and said she has a second phone call into his L.  His L never returned the first phone call from a few days ago.  She also referred me to a local DV center and informed me that one of her staff has extensive experience in dealing with victims of DV. 

In addition, she told me she has put in a Request for Judicial Intervention to get us on the court calendar.  What does this mean?   

[ForeverDad]

Most cases are assigned regular hearing priority which is often a couple months into the future, plus or minus.  Perhaps Request for Judicial Intervention is to give the case priority and get a hearing, order or action sooner?

You can always call your domestic court and ask what some of these terms mean.  They can't give legal advice or interpretations and sometimes they'll tell you that but often they'll give you a 30 second translation from legalese to what it means in general terms.

[livednlearned]

The weekends are awful.

I left on a Friday. I know how scary the weekends can be when your ex is escalating. And I know exactly what you mean by killer eyes. N/BPDx used to get that look too. If something happens this weekend, go to the DV center first thing Monday morning and ask them to help you with the PO. You don't need a lawyer for that.

But once you do it, be aware that the potential for violence can escalate. Be careful when you exit the courthouse, and be especially vigilant about your safety once he has been served. If you can stay somewhere other than the house, that's the best choice. And promise us you'll read Gift of Fear so that you understand what a PO does and doesn't do. It does not guarantee your safety -- but it does allow you to call the police if he gets near you, even if he doesn't touch you. That's more about justice than safety.

If his L does tell your H about your concerns, that may trigger him too. If your H has strong narcissistic traits, he will hate that you have portrayed him as the abuser and will want to retaliate.

As hard as it is right now, if he wants to take your Ds to his parents, that might be safest for you so you can get through the weekend without incident. It sounds like he is trying to win over your Ds, and is unlikely to hurt them, which is very good. You'll have access to your Ls and counselor if you have one. Keep the DV hotline number in your phone or somewhere in case you need to call. Check in here so we know how you're doing, if you can. People here helped me through my darkest hours and I honestly don't know how I would have fared without that support.



LnL

[Mind]

LNL - I do NOT look forward to mornings, evenings and weekends right now.  I am not aware of the specifics with a PO.  Good to know I don't need a lawyer for that though. The DV Center  I called today said they can help with that.  They also suggested to file a Domestic Incident Report regarding yesterday's incident.  I may try to do that this weekend.

I have added the book to my list.  I'll be checking in often with updates and questions, I'm sure.  I appreciate all of your help!