My BPD Ex-Girlfriend (A long, sad, and painful story)

[paperlung]

This is my story about my ex-girlfriend who has just recently been diagnosed with BPD. It's very long, but I really hope at least somebody will read it. I could really use the support as I am very depressed.

I met my now ex-girlfriend back in August 2011 off of a dating website. The first time we met, I actually went over to her place (she lives with her dad) to hang out. We played video games, talked, watched YouTube videos, she even showed me pictures of her ex-boyfriends which I thought was kind of weird, but I was 21 and had never had a girlfriend before so I didn't see it as a red flag or anything like that.

The second date we took my dog out for a walk, went to the beach, took her to the driving range (I work at a golf course), then dinner. It was during dinner when she told me about her anxiety. I told her I suffered from anxiety too, but her's was on an entirely different level than mine; she was agoraphobic and never went out on her own. She also let me knew on this date near the end of it she was interested in me when she grabbed my arm and said, "I really like you." That made me feel really excited and happy.

The third time we met, she invited me over to her place for dinner, and... .  I ended up losing my virginity, .

I think by the forth or fifth time we got together she told me she loved me, which didn't surprise me. I could see with my own eyes already that she was really infatuated with me. I thought I had found the perfect girl.

Then, she started opening up to me more about her past. Before that though, she came clean with me and told me didn't have a job (she told me she did), in truth she was on welfare and got like $700 every month. She said she lied because she thought I would've thought less of her. Why she was on welfare? Because she suffered from anxiety/agoraphobia. She did tell me she had a job working at a grocery store for like a month when she was 15; that's it for her work experience. Again, maybe a red flag, but I brushed it off and told her it was all right. But back to her past... .  Her parents divorced when she was really young and then she and her sister went to go live with their mom who eventually got into drugs and alcohol. She and her sister were then put into a foster home for two years and until the father was able to get custody. The reason why they had to go into a foster home instead of living with their father was because the mother had accused him of molesting my ex's older sister.

So now she and her sister are living with their dad. My ex told me she moved like 18 times in totally. But growing up, she told me never really felt loved. Her father would put her down, not show any affection... .  It was like she didn't even have a mom and dad basically. She dropped out of high school near the end of Grade 8 and her dad didn't even care or bother to involve himself in getting her back on track. So she spent most of her teenage years isolated, and that is when she started cutting and became anorexic. Again, the father never stepped up to the plate to get her help.

She met all of her ex-boyfriends online, actually. The first one she said treated her badly, the second actually ditched her out of the blue three months in, and the third one she said was just a rebound and he too didn't treat her well.

As for her education, she actually ended up graduating right before I met her by doing home schooling. So that was very good of her, to do that on her own because she wanted to.

Despite all this, I reassured her that I loved her, wanted to be with her, and told her how I was going to help her get better. Well... .  she never really did, despite my best efforts. And believe me, I tried. I tried so damn hard with this girl.

She'd make me come over after work at 11 at night and pick up food for her because she wouldn't feed herself. Then I'd have to get up in the morning and go to school. What did she have to do? Nothing. She'd constantly ask for me and whenever I tried to tell her I needed some alone time she would get mad at me and say I didn't care about her and that I was abandoning.

Because of her anxiety/agoraphobia, she couldn't leave her dad's place. She was basically always in her room unless I came over to take her out. Even then, she needed to be medicated with clonazepam. I'd drive her everywhere, did whatever she asked. Took her on nice outings, ect. But it was a real struggle for her. And I'm not going to lie, over time she did start to bother me.

She was always depressed about her life, no matter how hard I tried to make her happy. Always anxious; it became such a hassle to get her to come out with me. I took her to doctors so she could try some medication; she didn't like how they made her feel. And i also took her to see a psychologist, but she stopped 3 sessions in because at the time she couldn't afford it.

Then, it happened. She asked me if she could try cam modeling because she was sick of living off welfare and my money. For the record, her older sister does this cam modeling thing too, that's how she got the idea. If you don't know what cam modeling is, it's where you get naked on cam and pleasure yourself in front of hundreds of men and they give you money. I let her do it because I'm wasn't a jealous person and knew that what she'd be doing on there was just business and that she loved me. Well... .  

She ends up meeting this 40-year-old man from England (she and I live in Canada) off the site she works for and they began chatting over Skype. I allowed this because besides me, she literally has no one. No friends, no social life, doesn't leave her room. So I thought having a friend she could talk to would be good for her. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

So they continued to talk as we dated and it never was a problem until she told me that this guy said to her one day that he loved her and wanted to have sex with her. She reassured me she didn't feel the same way and that she wasn't even attracted to him, which I believed because he wasn't attractive at all.

It wasn't until after I helped her move out of her dad's place and into a condo during the first week of October that she started to develop feelings for him. As for this place she is now living in... .  the only reason she was able to move there in the first place was because of me. We lied to the landlord, saying we were going to be living together. It was the only way she was ever going to be able to move out on her own because she had no real credit or work history. She also lied to the landlord about her job and said she was a graphic designer.

Near the end of October was her birthday, and guess what? The guy from England sent her 20 birthday presents in the mail and she opened them in front of him on Skype (I was at school, but she told me). And you know what she did for him? She masturbated with him on cam as some sort of "thank you". When she told me about that one night when we were in bed, I got really angry at her and she ran to the bathroom, locked the door, and cut herself.

Early November 2012 she broke it off with me because she said she no longer felt like we could connect/relate and that we were just too different and how she wanted to meet this guy. I, of course, flip out, pack my stuff, and go home. Two days later she calls me, crying, while I'm at school saying she needs to talk to me at her place and how I need to be an adult about it.

That wasn't the first time she broke up with me either. One time, maybe four months into the relationship, she randomly sends me a text one evening to tell me it's over. This was completely out of nowhere as we were getting along great. I was devastated and confused as her reasons for doing it made no sense. Well, the next day she calls me up and we're back together again. This whole her breaking up with me thing happens again maybe a month or two later; her reasons were that she didn't "feel a spark anymore" and that we were "too different". She always felt that because I had a good life growing up and she didn't that we couldn't relate. But yeah, she calls me up the next day and we get back together... .  again.

But back to the most recent break up. Turns out, the night she broke up with me, her ex called and she invited him over because she was "messed up" and "needed someone to talk to". Turns out she and her ex had sex that night. So she goes from breaking up with me to be the 40-year-old English guy, to sleeping with her ex. Wow.

So she goes on about how she needs help and stuff, so I make the mistake of continuing to help her. At this point she is convinced there is something seriously wrong with her mentally because she told me she couldn't understand why did what she did, how it was so illogical.

I end up forgiving her, take her back, but this discussion about still wanting to meet this guy persists. I say no again and that it's either me or him. She breaks it off with me again because she says she still wants to meet him. One night I had to take her to the hospital upon her request and she got an appointment set up to see a psychiatrist one morning but she ended up flaking on the day of it because she was "too tired to go".

THEN she calls me later and tells me we need to talk. I see her and she tells me she won't meet him, but that it will sadden her she'll never be able to meet him as long as we're together. She says what's the big deal if nothing sexual comes out of it, but I'm sorry... .  I don't trust you, . Especially after what you said; you love him and he loves you.

December 2012, I broke up with her in person at her place because she was continuing to do sexual things on cam with him behind my back (I checked her Skype). I was furious. She physically attacked me and said she was going to commit suicide as I walked out the door so I called the cops. She was really angry at me for calling 911 and her dad, who had no idea about her job or this guy she wanted to meet. I wasn't going to go with her, but she demanded in front of everyone (the cops, the ambulance people, her dad and sister) that I be there and that I ride with her.

While we were at the hospital waiting, she actually ran off at one point outside into the dark after her sister mentioned the guy from England to her; telling my ex how she doesn't really know who he is, he's a creep, just wants sex, ect. But obviously in my ex's eyes that wasn't the case because she would talk to him ALL THE TIME and knows him better than anyone.

But anyway, there wasn't much they could do for her at the hospital, like when I took her. Just gave her some more clonazepam and told her to go see a psychiatrist at this mental health clinic by her place. Her dad offered to drive her, but she said she wouldn't go. I guess in her eyes all she needed right now and then is her 40-year-old lover from England.

One line that really stuck out to me from her Skype conversation with him was a question she asked him, "You'll take care of me, right?" For the record, this guy isn't rich or anything. He's been on disability since they started talking because he hurt his back and needed surgery. So he ain't no sugar-daddy.

So just a few days after I had broken up with her and went no conact, buddy from England takes a plane over here to Canada to see her. And after spending just ONE NIGHT with him, I get a call from her in the morning saying that she needed to talk to me in person. I was of course reluctant to meet, but she started breaking down and said she wanted me back.

So I go to her place, she gets in my car, and we talk in the parking lot. She basically says that she just wants to be friends with him (for the record, she did have sex with him that night), and wants to work things out with me. I tell her that once he leaves, she needs to get help. I also tell her that if it's true that you just want to be this guy's friend, do not do anything else sexually with him while he is here. She agrees to all this, and before getting out of the car, she kisses me goodbye.

So, I'm back at home. She's in her condo with this 40-year-old dude, and she doesn't even leave her place once with him to go out. So they just stayed inside, watched TV, and talked for 10 days (he left on the 28th of December). During that time, she would text me a lot telling me how much she missed me and stuff... .  said her chest felt heavy, ect.

One day I get a text from her in the morning saying something bad happened (this was while he was still here). She calls me up, and says he tried to rape her. This is how it apparently went down.

He and she were both on the bed, facing different ways. He starts rubbing her leg, then her private area. Now, she tells me she doesn't stop him because she wanted to see just how far this guy was willing to go after previously telling him "we're only friends". So it was like a trust game in her eyes. She told me she didn't move the whole time, pretended to act dead, didn't look his way. I believe she let him go all the way with her. Then she tells him to leave her place.

So he's at the airport now. I come over to see her because of what happened and she invites me out for lunch.

So we go for lunch and then go back to her place, and this guy is still at the airport waiting for his plane but is texting her asking if she really wants him to leave. He says she thought she was playing some sort of "game" in bed and wouldn't of done anything if she had just said no.

Her and I end up having sex twice before I left to go home, and she invites him back because she said she felt guilty about sending him home so soon. I just shook my head.

So Christmas comes, I end up caving in and getting her a gift because I was feeling nice and I give it to her in the parking lot of her place. The next time I see her is shortly after he left (on the 28th). She invites me over for dinner. Well, there was no dinner, and she was not in a very bright mood.

She was very sad to see him go. So her and I are off to a good start... .  not. She snaps out of it eventually and we go out to the bookstore and for dinner. She was acting really affectionate towards; grabbed my arm, held my hand. We talked a bit about her time with him. She told me she didn't even find him physically attractive, but enjoyed his company. Loved him as a person, but wasn't in-love with him.

I stay the night at her place, and the next day she was acting weird. It wasn't until later in the day that I asked her, ":)o you miss him? Do you wish he was still here?" And she answers yes. She even said she still had feelings for him.

So here I am, back in her place, thinking we were going to work things out, get her help, ect, and she still freaking has feelings for him even though she kicked him out early because she missed me/wanted to fix things between us.

[paperlung]

The next few days she just sat in bed all depressed, wanting to be dead rather than choose between me and this 40-year-old English guy she met off a porn site. It wasn't enjoyable to be around. I even went and got her fruit and sandwich meat with my own money because she was broke and couldn't leave the bed because she "wasn't feeling good because of her period".

A couple of nights later I blow up and tell her I can't take this anymore, just go be with him. The choice was either we work things out/get her help and she cuts him out, or she gets together with him and I cut her out. I also find out from her that night that she had sex with him the night before he left to go back to England. I was pissed. I go sleep on her couch and say I'm leaving in the morning for good, I get a text from her a little while later while I'm on the couch telling me to come back to the bed. Said she chooses me, she will delete him from her life. I knew this was probably just a ploy to get me back in the bed because she didn't want to be alone, but I went along with it because I just wanted to go to sleep.

The next day, I ask her if what she said was genuine; she says it was but that she still doesn't know for sure what to do. I offer to take her to the doctor because she needed more medication, but she refused to go because she said she didn't feel good. Always an excuse with her. I go home, but before I did, I tell her that it's probably best for the both of us that she just be with him because I couldn't take her anymore. She is so needy, demands so much attention, so depressed. I'm trying to work towards a career here! I leave with telling her maybe we could stay friends.

I call her up later that day to see how she was doing and she seemed fine. I asked if she had made up her mind yet, and she said not quite, but was leaning towards him after what I said. I think knowing she could keep me around in some form made her feel better about the whole situation. I tell her that I didn't think I could do the "friend thing" and she starts crying again. I then say I'm coming by tomorrow to grab a couple of my things and I'd be on my way, out of her life, for good.

4 or 5 days later while I was doing no contact again she starts sending me a bunch of text messages.

"am i really never going to hear from you again... ?"

"sorry i wont contact you. i will respect your decision."

"i know that you hate me, and dont trust me for all the right reasons... but if you ever want to contact me again... im sorry for ****ing you up. i really am and our story... our relationship and love but please know under my stubborn mental illness is the girl you once loved."

Then she tried calling me twice, so I turned off my phone. Then I check my email.

"i wont write a novel in this, but it could be long, and i hope you read it even if you dont reply. i need treatment. im sorry for rejecting your help for me. i want to say ill move back home and things will be better but i cant. the landlord told me she hopes not to regret giving me the chance to live here. all ive done my life is let people down including myself. ive lived with no confidence my whole life to be a somebody. deep down i think my life is over and i will never speak to you again, but there is something deep inside crying out for help. ive relapsed back into my anorexia badly and you can start to see my bones. i spend my days wondering how ill cope or survive with such massive depression and griping lonelyness. i can tell you a million reasons why i dont want you to call my family and tell them this but i am risking this with the message. sometimes, or most of the times i cant live with the grief or guilt of the things ive done and the damage ive caused which is bringing damage to myself. i sit here crying knowing im not best for you and im pathetic and useless and youll acomplish your dreams and you will have the last laugh when im in some gutter and thinking 'i told her so'. whatever happens... im sorry im sorry im sorry but sorry isnt enough and it never will be."

Then I get ANOTHER email from her titled, "Things I never took the time to thank you for".

"- paying for my animal welfare program after hardly knowing me. - paying for anything i needed when i was broke. - continuing to love me despite my moods - seeing me after school and work - missing important classes for me during my pathetic depressions and anxietys - spending copious amount of time in my room on nice days with me cause of the reaaon above - coming back into my life and being forgiving, like you always were after i made you miserable - being ok with the fact i didnt really enjoy hockey that much - holding me when i cried about the horrible things i went through and promising to have a better life with you - signing a lease so i could live in a nicer house - being with me to trips to see my mother - thinking the world of me despite my problems - the nice days at the mall and bubble teas - the aquarium - dinner at your grandparents - dinner at your parents - your parents kindness - ice skating with me even though i really cant - cleaning my house - thinking i was beautiful without makeup - the endless cost of gas you spent on driving - not judging me for my horrendus job - never abusing me - never controlling me - and most of all taking the time to know me and love me"

I turn my phone back on and see that she tried to call me two more times, plus these texts.

"i sent you some emails. i know you dont want to speak to me but i needed to write."

"i was terrified you really blocked me so thats why i called. im sorry you had to turn off your phone."

"if youre wanting to help me think about it and reply k"

"youre never going to talk to me... .  "

Well... .  I caved in to her, AGAIN. By the way, that man from England flew back to Canada like two days after I left her again. So she was sending me all those messages while he was there.

So the 40-year-old guy from England leaves like a week and a bit later and then I come over to see her. The plan was that she was going to just focus on getting better with my help, no more drama. We kind of made an agreement that if she got help, and if she got better, we'd try dating again. So I found myself again doing a lot of the same stuff I did before for her; took her out to go shopping, get groceries, ect. We even went out a handful of times, almost as if we were dating. A lot of the times though I found myself changing moods for the worse whenever she mentioned that guy from England or if I ever saw her text him in front of me. I still wasn't completely over what she had done, so we argued occasionally. I even found myself sleeping over some nights in bed with her, but made things clear to her that I didn't want to have sex.

As for actually getting her help... .  she had developed a very strong addiction to clonazepam and was taking up to 3-4mg a day when she only used to take 0.50 mg. So I had to take her to a walk-in clinic a few times she she would get more. She told me she was going to wean off it, and did, but then kinda relapsed a bit... .  I also took her to this mental health clinic where she saw this doctor who she talked to for like an hour about her entire life history and the doctor didn't really end up doing anything for her. No different medication, no diagnosis, nothing. Just a brochure to this detox place for her pill addiction. But she wasn't going to go to detox.

Like a week after seeing the doctor at the mental health clinic she ran out of clonazepam and didn't want to go to the doctor because she "wasn't feel well" and "they're gonna think I'm an addict because I just got 30 clonazepam pills like 2 weeks ago". So she makes me go get her clonazepam for her. I go to this random clinic, tell the docotor I need some, and he's like, "I can only give you 7, this pill is very addictive, blah, blah." So I only get 7, and she gets angry at me for not being able to get more.

So after she runs out of the 7 pills I got for her, we go back to the walk-in clinic so she can get more. There, she tells the doctor that she saw a doctor at the mental health clinic and how he wasn't very much help, how she want's to try different medication, get diagnosed, ect. So the doctor at the walk-in clinic gets the mental health people to send over the notes that the doctor at the mental health clinic wrote when she was talking to him; I guess the walk-in clinic doctor wanted to see the notes and maybe from there figure out what she (my ex) should do next. Unfortunately, we were told that it would take a week to get those notes and that we should come back next week.

Well, next week I text her in the morning asking her if she wants to go and she gets mad at me, saying my text woke her up. She said she didn't get any sleep and was too tired to go; I've heard that before... .  So we didn't go. So I thought we'd try again next week (which was last Tuesday) that doctor is only in on Tuesdays BTW. But this time, I leave it up to her. I don't text or call her about it in the morning because last time she got mad at me. I didn't hear from her all day. So I text her in evening and ask her why she didn't text me to go and she said it's because she was just going to try and go cold turkey on the clonazepam (she was about to run out and needed more, which was another reason she had to see the doctor).

She then sent me another text telling me to drop off her package which she shipped to my house and then I could leave because she didn't want to see me and wanted to "figure things out". I thought that was kind of suspicious. So I go over and ask her what's up. And she was very reluctant to tell me. She told me it was none of my business why she didn't want me around at all for while because we weren't dating anyways. That's when I knew... .  either that guy from England was coming back or there was somebody else now.

Turns out, she had been personally talking to another guy off the porn site she works for for the past 2 DAYS and now wants to meet him! 2 FREAKING DAYS! He lives in America, her and I live in Canada. He's apparently 26 years old and is going to be an engineer. She said she feels a very strong connection with this guy, and that it may even be bigger than her one with the 40 year old guy from England. BTW, the 40 year old blew up at her when she told him this, said she needed to get help. At least with the 40 year old she spent 6 months talking to him before finally meeting, but 2 days... .  ? What are you doing? You told me you wanted to focus on getting better, not monkeybranch. This is the same girl who earlier told me she would never again form a close relationship with anybody off of the site she works for because it wrecked her life. The same girl who wouldn't let me see other girls while I helped her get better. It just blows my mind. She even said that if things worked out with this new guy, she could see herself moving to America to live with him. Last Tuesday when she told me this, I also found out from her that she hadn't ate in 2 days, her place was a mess (as usual), she had no food... .  She can't take care of herself at all. And I didn't get how she expected to go cold turkey and at the same time go out on her own to accomplish things because I told her she and I were finished again and that I was changing my phone number and deleting my email address so she couldn't reach me anymore.

This Monday she called my house (I still live at home with my parents) while I was at school. My mom answered and she was crying on the phone. She apparently went to see the doctor at some point and got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (I wonder how she got there. Either she went on her own or that new guy who lives 18 hours away took her). She called to let me know that I was right; I had been telling her for quite a while that she might have BPD. My mom also asked her if she was going ahead with this new relationship with the guy from Utah and she is. I don't see it lasting or working for that matter. How could it?

Nevertheless, I'm not speaking to her. I'm serious this time. It's time for me to move and properly heal.

[paperlung]

I just made a big mistake, and now I'm feeling 100x worse. So she's "online" right now working her cam job. She has our province blocked, but I know how to view her cam anyways. So in her room she mentions to everybody how she's going to be "living in the states for a while." I guess she's already planning to moving to Utah with him... .  I can't believe this. I can't her. How can she do this? She doesn't even have a passport. She's never even been to the states before. She has a pet rabbit to take care of... .  Why is she doing this? How is this normal? I feel so hurt by this. How she can just move on so quickly. She's sick. I feel so sad.

[willy45]

Dude,

That's a messed up story. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've been through similar stuff.

Here's my advice. Block her email. Block her phone number. Don't check her cam anymore. You are young. You will get over her. She is dangerous. She obviously totally messed up. And, SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I've been involved with nuts girls like this. Obviously. I'm on this site. You sound like a really kind hearted guy. And people this messed up latch themselves onto nice guys. That is what she did with you. She's messed up. For sure. And that is sad. Sure. But there are sadder things (Climate Change, AIDS, Global Poverty, Gun Violence, Crack Addiction). This one girl is totally screwed up. AND SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

My advice as an old dude to a young dude (I'm also Canadian ). Get her out of your life. She is a dangerous person. Grieve the loss. Figure out why you were attracted to her in the first place (get some therapy if you have any available) and start fresh. You are YOUNG! That is a gift. There will be plenty of women that will come in your life. Use this as an opportunity to learn to stay away from nutters like this. There are billions of people in the world. Some of them are totally messed up. Some of them are more messed up than this chick. Some of them are less messed up. A lot are totally healthy. And that is what you deserve. There are tons of chicks out there. Go out and have some fun. THIS GIRL IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Good on you for moving on. Stick to your boundaries. Don't let her back into your life. She is sick. And she isn't your problem. Focus on your school. There are probably a ton of hot chicks you can meet there. Focus on that. You'll be OK!

[paperlung]

Thank you for replying, it means a lot.

I have changed my number number and email address already. I know for a fact she has tried calling me on my cell because otherwise she wouldn't of called my house number. So she still can call that number, unfortunately.

It really hurt looking at her on cam. I saw her on her phone texting, probably with that guy, she had such a big smile on her face. How could she move on so fast? She's known this guy for two weeks, met him once (he drove 18 hours up here to see her for I don't know how many days), and now is going to go live in Utah with him?

[Surnia]

Hi Paperlung

And yes, what a story that brought you here! I really feel sorry for you. 

Like others said, she is really in messed up, her addiction to meds, her cam job... .  

You cannot save her, and even if she would really work on herself, it would be a long long way for her.

Be careful with the camera thing. Perhaps you can stay away from it. You get hurt watching her.

Do you have friends or projects bringing you some time of distraction?

[paperlung]

There's so much wrong with; her anxiety/agoraphobia, depression, eating disorder, the cutting, her pill addiction, her job, and now she's been diagnosed with BPD.

Watching her on cam was stupid, I know. I won't do it again; it just made me feel worse. I gotta stop checking on her or else I'll never move on.

I don't have many friends, and it didn't help that I dated her for close to a year and half because she took up all my time. I'm actually catching up with an old buddy of mine on Saturday, though. Ironically, the last day I saw him was the same day I met my ex. I also have a friend living in another province who I consider my best friend. I actually was talking to him about my situation a little while ago; he's got my back. Other then that... .  I just got the gym, work, and school.

I made a list of reasons this morning why I don't want to be with her/would ever want her back. Helps me realize I can do much better.

- Lied to me about having a job

- Her inability to go out on her own (made me do everything with her, or made me do it for her)

- Her verbal and physical abuse

- Manipulated me

- Controlled me

- Used me

- Super needy

- Her depression

- Selfish

- Very jealous

- Cheated on me

- Her job

- Broke my heart

- Made me miss many classes because she "needed me"

- Rarely every said thank you or showed gratitude

- Doesn't take care of herself

- Addicted to pills

- Bad memory

- The mood swings

- Cut herself

- Not feed herself

- Lay in bed all day and do nothing

But despite all this, why do I feel sad and angry? Why does it bother me that she can so easily just move on to someone else and talk about moving to the States to be with somebody she hasn't even known for 2 weeks? And before that, there was that whole 40-year-old from England saga, too. Can somebody please tell me she's crazy and that I can do better. Why did I put up with this damaged person for so long? Is there something wrong with me? Do you think she'll try contacting me again saying she made a mistake like she has previously? Do you think she'll actually go ahead with moving to the states? She doesn't even have a passport yet, so I'm guessing that's still a little ways away.

[Surnia]

Your sadness and anger are just normal emotional reactions about a shattered rs like yours. And it is also normal that it changes, sometimes you feel more sadness, sometimes more anger. Be kind with yourself. 

Yes, it is hard in the beginning, your Gf is jumping in the next rs while your are grieving... .  its hard to bear. In long therm thinking, grieving is healthier than the push/pull/cheating kind of rs.

Perhaps you may look at our Lessons on the right about the five stages of Detachment ---->

[afterdeath]

Run, and run fast and never look back.

Find your self worth, ask why you allowed her to abuse you and take it this far.

You sound like a stand up guy and you're young, meet a nice girl at school and forget about this girl. Don't let her ruin your life, that isn't love at all, just pure abuse.

Be better than that and respect yourself as such.

[paperlung]

How is it that she can so easily and quickly move on to somebody else? And also fall in love so easily and want to already move to another country to be with this person? What is the matter with her... .  

[afterdeath]

How is it that she can so easily and quickly move on to somebody else? And also fall in love so easily and want to already move to another country to be with this person? What is the matter with her... .  

BPD man, there's your answer.

Do you look at a person in a wheel chair and wonder why they don't walk? Some just can't.

Some people just can't care on the same level as others.

I'm sorry for your broken heart pain, but you're better off, she would have taken you down with her and ruined your life.

[paperlung]

You're right, she would've just brought me down; that is exactly what she was doing. A part of me knew deep down that the longer I stayed, the worse off I'd be; she wasn't wife-material, let alone girlfriend-material. It felt like I was her parent instead of a boyfriend, but I stayed and hoped she would get better with my help. Now she's running off to be with some new guy from another country, sheesh... .  Why did this have to happen to me?

[paperlung]

I just hate the fact that while I'm suffering, posting on this message, she is in complete La-La Land right now, thinking she has found the man of her dreams. A man she has only known for 2 weeks, who she met off the internet (on a porn site, actually), who lives in another country... .  he's already driven up here (18 hours) and spent the weekend with her, now she's planning on living in the States with him?

[afterdeath]

She will suffer the cycle the rest of her life, you don't have to, you have the knowledge and power to break the cycle of your own life as no one else can do it for us

[willy45]

I second AfterDeath.

Seriously dude. You are way, way better off than she is. You are young. You are in school. You will do well. You will get a job. You will meet a great girl. You will survive and you will thrive (as long as you don't get involved with your ex or anyone like that... .  heed the lesson you learned here... .  ).

She is a messed up person and will cycle through this torment for a very long time until she gets some serious, serious help. Seriously. Dude. You are in a much, much better place. Yes. She might be in LaLa land. But that LaLa land is not a happy place. For real. This man will not be the man of her dreams. It will be a complete ___ show. Make sure you aren't around the find out.

To good news for you is that you never, ever have to have any contact with this person, you never need to ever hear about her, you never need to see her again. She can vanish from you life and will soon vanish from your mind.

[paperlung]

I second AfterDeath.

Seriously dude. You are way, way better off than she is. You are young. You are in school. You will do well. You will get a job. You will meet a great girl. You will survive and you will thrive (as long as you don't get involved with your ex or anyone like that... .  heed the lesson you learned here... .  ).

I know I am better of than she is, but even still... .  My life has and will probably always be better than her's. All I ever wanted was to help her overcome her anxiety and depression so she could function normally; go back to school, get educated, get a real job (she dreamed of working with animals), be able to go out on her own, make friends... .  These were things I thought SHE wanted as well because, well, those were the things she was depressed about, after all. But I know her childhood really traumatized her; she was neglected pretty badly growing up. That was something I couldn't help her fix. She had so much anger towards her parents and I know she doesn't love them.

She is a messed up person and will cycle through this torment for a very long time until she gets some serious, serious help. Seriously. Dude. You are in a much, much better place. Yes. She might be in LaLa land. But that LaLa land is not a happy place. For real. This man will not be the man of her dreams. It will be a complete ___ show. Make sure you aren't around the find out.

I remember when I was apparently the man of her dreams. Then the man of her dreams was some guy twice her age from England. Now it's this dude from Utah. Just... .  what the hell.

I still remember the first time she broke up with me (this was maybe 5 months in); it was via text late one evening. She said she didn't feel a "spark" anymore. This really bewildered me because things were going well between us. It just came out of left field. But then the next day, she's like, "I don't know what I was thinking. You know me and what I can get like when I'm depressed."

But then, a couple of months later, she broke it off with me again randomly. What led to it? Well... .  by this time she had already started web camming and supposedly one night while she was working from her bedroom and I was at my place she was talking this guy one-on-one casually and I guess really enjoyed the conversation.

So her reasons again were, "No spark. No connection. We're just too different. Can't relate." And of course the next day I get a call from her saying she was sorry and that she didn't know what she was thinking. But after the second time, I started to believe that it would happen again... .  and, well, it did... .  with that guy from England. And again, before we broke up and before he came to see her, she fed me the same lines, "No spark. We can't relate. Too different."

I don't know... .  I don't know what I was missing that led her to do that repeatedly. I was so good to this girl. But it never seemed to be enough for her. If I were to tell her I was staying home after work instead of coming over to spend the night with her it was always, "You don't care about me. You're abandoning me." It drove me crazy. Every time I wanted space she made me feel guilty. She was soo needy, gah.

To good news for you is that you never, ever have to have any contact with this person, you never need to ever hear about her, you never need to see her again. She can vanish from you life and will soon vanish from your mind.

Over a week ago when I emailed her to say that I was changing my number and deleting my email address, she sent me a text saying something like, "Just pretend I was dead. Like a ghost in this world who doesn't exist." Thought that was rather dark and depressing. But I know at least right now she's probably doing all right, at least she thinks she is, with all these crazy plans of her's.

I'll always miss that sweet, shy, vulnerable girl I fell in love with. I thought I was going to be with her for a long time. It's ironic. She was so worried that I would leave her, and yet she was the one who destroyed the relationship and caused it to end.

[sad but wiser]

Paperlung, you are a knight at heart, now go find a real lady, not a damsel in distress, but a valiant lady and partner.

[paperlung]

I think I might've been the cause for what has most recently happened; her rejecting my help after originally wanting it and then jumping straight into new relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away. Let me explain.

So after the man from England left for a second time, the deal was that I would help her get help and we would try and repair our relationship slowly as she got better.

I mentioned to my ex last month one day at her place how there was this girl from my school who liked me and wanted to hang out and my ex didn't take it well. She immediately started asking me a bunch of questions like, "How did you meet her? What is she like? What does she look like?" -- I could sense her insecurity. I told my ex that she liked hockey and fitness; two things I am into and my ex isn't. So then my ex says, "Well! I guess you finally found your perfect girl! Get the F out my house now, you prick!" Meanwhile, I was trying to explain to her that I wasn't seeing her or was going to see her, I just wanted to mention the awkward situation I'm in. My ex told me to tell this girl that I couldn't see her because I was trying to work things out with my ex.

What I'm thinking is that she was afraid that eventually I was going to abandon her for this new girl or somebody else, so instead, she breaks it off me.

There were other times when she would say things to me like, "I bet when YOU move out/YOU have kids/YOU get married you'll... .  " -- It made me feel like she had no intention of being with ME in the future. So one night I made the effort to say something similar to her, "Maybe I'll meet my future wife while I'm studying to become a physiotherapist." Her response, "Wow... .  thanks."

It probably didn't help that I wasn't being very affectionate towards her, but then again, why should I have been? We weren't in a relationship anymore/she broke my heart/the plan was she just wanted to focus on getting better, but still... .  I know she wanted that loving attention, and I wasn't giving it to her.

There was another time when I was over she was acting all depressed and told me it was because she was on this forum exclusively for cam models like her and there was thread called "Post a picture of you and your boyfriend" -- seeing pictures of seemingly happy couples upset her. So what do I do? I tell her that she should go look for somebody on POF again if she is feeling that lonely. She then tells me to go home after that. Minutes later she hides under the covers (we were in her bed) and says, "Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend again?" I pull the blanket off her, look at her and say, "Look, I love you a lot. But right now, it simply just cannot work. You need to get help first. I'm willing to wait. Please don't think I'll leave you for somebody else." Minutes later I ask her where that came from and she told me to just forget about it.

So... .  what I'm trying to get at is she probably thought I was going to leave her so she found somebody else.

[sad but wiser]

Well... .  we can pretend that her behavior was all your fault.  I don't recommend it.

[paperlung]

I know. I just realized that this latest incident seemed to transpire the day after I started to play her game with sayings like, "Yeah, well, when I move out, it'll probably be with someone. Like A girlfriend." We went to bed on a sour note that night, but she actually stayed up well into the morning. She might've started talking to that guy while I was sleeping in her room. It was then that her defense mechanism probably kicked and so she sought out somebody new before I left her, which I wasn't going to do. I was pretty serious about getting her help so we could have a normal, healthy relationship. Oh well... .

[kahnighit]

But despite all this, why do I feel sad and angry? Why does it bother me that she can so easily just move on to someone else and talk about moving to the States to be with somebody she hasn't even known for 2 weeks? And before that, there was that whole 40-year-old from England saga, too. Can somebody please tell me she's crazy and that I can do better.

Because you are trying to find rational logical explanations for the things a person does who doesn't operate rationally or logically.  Likewise you are assuming that she can feel the depths of emotional attachment and subsequent loss the same way you can/are.  Simply put you're sad and pissed that she is either incapable or unwilling to reciprocate anything and everything you've given her.  It's unfair!  She's crazy for all the ways you listed and all the deeper ways those things imply.  You can definitely do better.  I mean the bar is pretty low if you step back and look at it.  A non addict/agoraphobe/sex-industry-worker shouldn't be too hard to find.

[paperlung]

Isn't it crazy? If I do take a step back and properly evaluate her and the relationship, I realize just how terrible it ways; heck no, I really don't want to be with an addict who works as a cam model and has more than one mental disorder going on. I CAN do better. I think her being my first love makes it more painful, though. To be honest, if I had more experience with women before meeting her, I probably wouldn't of let things spiral so out of control.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Paperlung:  Something in your post, just between the lines is where your light shines bright.  I saw the words, I read through them and it seemed to me that the words your wrote, the little black squirly lines on a light background are like an iron scroll work.  It does not hide your shine.

You are an awesome dude (the slang does not suit me because I am a mother of two teenagers)... . but you get the point.

Your analysis of the situation, your reactions to her, your feelings, your emotions, your own youth and inexperience... . it all just bears witness to your intellect and courage.  You have the courage to explore something, realize that it is harmful and dysfunctional and downright unethical.  Mental disorder does not make harmful and unethical behavior acceptable.  You ought to be more forgiving if you saw her take steps to overcome her disorder.  However, she is not.  These coping mechanisms have served her well for all her life.  Why would she change now? 

Sadly your love is not a cure for a mental disorder.

Yet, your heart hurts.  Your hurt reflects your own humanity and your capacity to love.

Be proud that you have this capacity for pain.  Be proud of your altruistic impulse.

And also realize that under certain conditions, all your altruism and all your efforts and all your good intentions will be of no avail.

Mental disorder explains her behavior.  Mental disorder does not make her behavior acceptable.  This is a strong and subtle difference.  I think that you are coming to understand this dichotomy... .

It is o.k. to love her despite her disorder... . it is not o.k. to become a victim of anyone's mental disorder. 

You are as much God's creature as she is.  Your value is as much as hers in the eyes of God.  Your altruism for another person should not be at the cost of altruism for yourself.  This is not selfishness, nor is it abandonment of a suffering person.  You are not turning your back on a suffering person.  You are simply realizing that while you can love her, you cannot cure her illness.  You are in the process of understanding and accepting your own limitations.

You can be a loving person to her... . you cannot be a clinician who can save her from herself.  And what she is looking for and will continue to look for over and over and over and over and over and over... . the one knight in the shining armor who will rescue her from her own suffering.

Sadly, only she can do it.

Sadly, you cannot.

Once you begin to understand your own limitations... . you can perhaps begin to lose the guilt you have about "abandoning" her.

God bless.

[paperlung]

Thank you for your reply, pallavirajsinghani.

You can be a loving person to her... . you cannot be a clinician who can save her from herself.  And what she is looking for and will continue to look for over and over and over and over and over and over... . the one knight in the shining armor who will rescue her from her own suffering.

Sigh... . ain't that the truth. The last time I saw her was 2 weeks ago when she told me about this new guy she'd been talking to on the internet for the past 2 days. She told me, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I don't need help. I don't need therapy or medication. Those things aren't going to give me a real family or a loving, caring boyfriend."

So yeah, in her mind, I do believe all she thinks she needs right now is a new knight to rescue her. To love her, cater to her, and all that stuff.

[momtara]

You are a really good writer.  Do you do any creative writing?  Anyway, it's ok if you relapse and check her cam and whatnot.  You cared for her - hard not to think about exes sometimes.  And really, she hasn't completely 'moved on' just because she likes this new guy.  She's just got mental problems.  I think you are lucky that she let you go.  There is nothing wrong with having been with her as long as you were - you're human, she probably had her good qualities.  You will do much better in life, so just be glad you loved her and don't feel bad.  We all have nutty exes. 

[paperlung]

Really? You think I'm a good writer? Thank you. I never thought of myself as one, haha. I actually have to take an academic writing course this summer which I'm nervous about. Just knowing that somebody is going to be grading what I write really stresses me out.

There's something I'd also like to mention about my story. Last month my ex actually called up psychic because she was feeling curious about the whole thing. I can't remember everything my ex told me about the phone call, but these are the important points I want to share.

The psychic told her that neither the man from England, her first ex-boyfriend, or I were not going to be her significant other in the future. For the record, the psychic wasn't aware we existed already, my ex mentioned us to her (the psychic).

The psychic also told my ex to be on the look out for "fire signs". Apparently some of the horoscope signs are fire ones? I don't know. But her future lover would be one apparently.

Another thing the psychic told my ex was that she didn't see her staying or living in her condo past April.

Why do I mention this? Because she has found a new man (I can't confirm that his zodiac sign is a fire one) and is planning on staying with him Utah for a while.

Maybe it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy; something she currently believes is destiny and that the psychic was in fact right all along, even though she didn't buy into the psychic's fortune originally.

[paperlung]

As for checking up on her, I haven't done so now for three days. I'm on my laptop a lot, and I know it's just a click away, but I've refrained myself so far. Last time it really hurt me and set me back a bit, so it's out of sight/out of mind for me all the way now.

[momtara]

Yeah, you are a really good writer, and speller too.

She has so little money but she works with a psychic?  And actually listens to her psychic?  I think you need a girl who's in reality, and who appreciates that you're a great guy.

[paperlung]

Well... . actually, my ex could make upwards to $6,000 a month if she worked long and hard enough doing the cam thing. So money never really was an issue for her.

[sad but wiser]

paperlung -  Her choices, her behavior, her responsibility.

                  Your choices, your behavior, your responsibility.

Yes, you are a good writer. The academic writing probably isn't really your "thing."  Academic writing is just about finding a connection (three things) and backing that connection up with evidence (citations) from the text.  It is very predictable and rather boring in a way, unless you are able to uncover some unexpected connections. 

Your writing has good voice and natural organization.  Voice is something that is difficult to teach and difficult to get rid of in academic writing.

[momtara]

And yet she still gets money from the gov't.  Damn, what a country! 

[paperlung]

There's one other thing about her I'd like to mention. I don't know if this is just because of the way she was raised, but she'd rarely ever remember to thanks for the things I did for her. Whether it be doing her grocery shopping for her, taking her out in my car to the mall, buying small gifts for her, or going to the doctor together so she could get more medication.

It really bothered me that she'd never just look me in the eyes, smile, maybe give me a big ol' hug or a kiss, and just tell me how much I meant to her. I gave my entire self up for this women for a year and a half and she has left me feeling completely used.

[sad but wiser]

Yep - they feel entitled to anything you give them and more.  That is part of the disorder.  They also feel entitled to certain good will and kind treatment on your part, no matter what they may have done to you.

[paperlung]

Yep - they feel entitled to anything you give them and more.  That is part of the disorder.  They also feel entitled to certain good will and kind treatment on your part, no matter what they may have done to you.

A couple of weeks ago when I last saw her and she told me about this new guy she had been talking to on the internet, you know what she said to me as I was walking out of her? "Could you do me one last favor? Go down and check the mail for me?" I couldn't believe it. I was so close to exploding, but I kept my composure, said no, then left.

How could she have the nerve to ask that? This was all after she explained to me that she didn't want to be with me anymore/didn't want my help/been talking to somebody new/made plans to meet him later in the week. It's like she had no remorse whatsoever for how I may have felt.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Paperlung:

What exactly is maturity?  What is the definition of maturation?

A child is ego centric.  The entire universe literally revolves around him/her.  Since the child is unable to take care of his/her own needs, the child must cry loudly and persistently until someone pays attention to those needs.

As the child grows older, the child learns new coping skills to meet those needs.  For instance, "I am hungry... . I don't have to cry for my parent to fulfill my hunger... . I can open this candy bar and eat it."  With this awareness of one's own ability, arise what is called,  "ego-individuation".  Which means that the child is gradually able to separate his/her identity from others and become a fully functional adult human being.

With a person suffering from this disorder, such an individuation and separation has not been achieved.  So, the ego is stuck at the child stage.  The BPD mind is still ego-centric.  When confronted with "adult" world and "adult" expectations and "adult" consequences, this ego suffers a threat of annihilation.

Hence you see traits of extreme self-centeredness, raging, fear, anger, hostility and extreme happiness too.

So what you perceive as selfishness is her ego stuck at the infant/child stage.  You only exist in her universe as a means to her need-fulfillment.  She literally cannot see you as an individual with his own emotions and needs.  She is unable to perceive that you have any needs separate and distinct from her own.  Any demand/expectation from you as to fulfillment of any of your expecation/need will be met with surprise, shock, sense of disorientation, sense of bewilderment, as an accusation, as your inability to accept her the way she is, as a threat to her own survival.

My post is not a criticism of a BPD sufferer.  I mean to just explain to you that you are not dealing with an infantile ego. 

BPD is not mental retardation.  The intellectual capabilities are intact and mostly age appropriate.  It is not the IQ that is damaged, it is the EQ (Emotional Quotient) that is stuck at a child/infant stage.

So the dichotomy is that the BPD sufferer is not evil as such... . and yet, it has an evil effect on the persons who love them/live with them.

This is the reason why she will ask you to pick up her mail on your way out of her life.  That's is the extent of your utility value in her life.  Her existential universe is limited.  Her ego is inflexible and bound.

Yours is not.  Your ego is vast and uninhibited.  You think that she is FREE?  No darling, she is a prisoner of her own stuck ego.  YOU ARE FREE!    and strong and are able to blossom.

I will give you a specific example of what I mean.

When I do something nice for my husband... . I truly feel as if I am doing something nice for myself.  The same when I do something for my children.

My ego has expanded to include the people I love into my own sense of self.    I am not a slave.  My ego is vast, is able to expand, is above to love and receive love, is able to feel nuances of gratification that are infinitely more subtle in nuances that just the gratification if immediate and urgent needs.

You have a capacity for lasting happiness.  She has the capacity for only temporary fleeting pleasure.  There is difference between Joy and Pleasure.  You have the capability of feeling both.  She has the capability of only one.

Right now you feel sorry for yourself.  In time, your anger towards her will be replaced by sorrow... . and pity for her... . this I predict.

And this I predict... . you will someday feel the joy of a peaceful loving relationship... . ordinary on the outside and Oh... . so delicious and so nutritious on the inside... .

:-)

[pallavirajsinghani]

I mean to just explain to you that you are not dealing with an infantile ego. 

Sorry for the many typos and run on sentences... .

This sentence is supposed to read,  "I mean to just explain that you are not dealing with a mature ego.  Hers is an ego at an infantile stage and will remain so until and unless she undergoes rigorous therapy designed specifically for BPD sufferers". 

[Eightyfour]

You gained a lot man, this experience basically took you out of pvssy ville and gave you the speed course "manning up".

And you dodged not a bullet but a scudd missle. No stds, no pregnancy, no mortgage. I'd go out and celibrate man, case of beer and a cigar!

My story is quite similar I was capt save a ho while BPD webcam sexed and screwed 3 other dudes giving me genital warts. I wanted to work it out and forgave her, begged her, the whole shabang.

Well in august I met another psychopath and as soon as the honeymoon was over and the push pull started I kicked her to the curb.

Did it hurt? Sure did.

But I remained a man and it proved I dont take any crap.

And you will too in the future, you wont let yourself be manipulated and distespected from now!

Chin up and watch your life flourish while hers will come spiraling down.

[paperlung]

Paperlung:

What exactly is maturity?  What is the definition of maturation?

A child is ego centric.  The entire universe literally revolves around him/her.  Since the child is unable to take care of his/her own needs, the child must cry loudly and persistently until someone pays attention to those needs.

As the child grows older, the child learns new coping skills to meet those needs.  For instance, "I am hungry... . I don't have to cry for my parent to fulfill my hunger... . I can open this candy bar and eat it."  With this awareness of one's own ability, arise what is called,  "ego-individuation".  Which means that the child is gradually able to separate his/her identity from others and become a fully functional adult human being.

With a person suffering from this disorder, such an individuation and separation has not been achieved.  So, the ego is stuck at the child stage.  The BPD mind is still ego-centric.  When confronted with "adult" world and "adult" expectations and "adult" consequences, this ego suffers a threat of annihilation.

Hence you see traits of extreme self-centeredness, raging, fear, anger, hostility and extreme happiness too.

So what you perceive as selfishness is her ego stuck at the infant/child stage.  You only exist in her universe as a means to her need-fulfillment.  She literally cannot see you as an individual with his own emotions and needs.  She is unable to perceive that you have any needs separate and distinct from her own.  Any demand/expectation from you as to fulfillment of any of your expecation/need will be met with surprise, shock, sense of disorientation, sense of bewilderment, as an accusation, as your inability to accept her the way she is, as a threat to her own survival.

My post is not a criticism of a BPD sufferer.  I mean to just explain to you that you are not dealing with an infantile ego. 

BPD is not mental retardation.  The intellectual capabilities are intact and mostly age appropriate.  It is not the IQ that is damaged, it is the EQ (Emotional Quotient) that is stuck at a child/infant stage.

So the dichotomy is that the BPD sufferer is not evil as such... . and yet, it has an evil effect on the persons who love them/live with them.

This is the reason why she will ask you to pick up her mail on your way out of her life.  That's is the extent of your utility value in her life.  Her existential universe is limited.  Her ego is inflexible and bound.

Yours is not.  Your ego is vast and uninhibited.  You think that she is FREE?  No darling, she is a prisoner of her own stuck ego.  YOU ARE FREE!    and strong and are able to blossom.

I will give you a specific example of what I mean.

When I do something nice for my husband... . I truly feel as if I am doing something nice for myself.  The same when I do something for my children.

My ego has expanded to include the people I love into my own sense of self.    I am not a slave.  My ego is vast, is able to expand, is above to love and receive love, is able to feel nuances of gratification that are infinitely more subtle in nuances that just the gratification if immediate and urgent needs.

You have a capacity for lasting happiness.  She has the capacity for only temporary fleeting pleasure.  There is difference between Joy and Pleasure.  You have the capability of feeling both.  She has the capability of only one.

Right now you feel sorry for yourself.  In time, your anger towards her will be replaced by sorrow... . and pity for her... . this I predict.

And this I predict... . you will someday feel the joy of a peaceful loving relationship... . ordinary on the outside and Oh... . so delicious and so nutritious on the inside... .

:-)

You speak with such wisdom. Thank you.

I always felt that she was more like a child, one I had to look after, than a girlfriend during our relationship.

[paperlung]

You gained a lot man, this experience basically took you out of pvssy ville and gave you the speed course "manning up".

And you dodged not a bullet but a scudd missle. No stds, no pregnancy, no mortgage. I'd go out and celibrate man, case of beer and a cigar!

My story is quite similar I was capt save a ho while BPD webcam sexed and screwed 3 other dudes giving me genital warts. I wanted to work it out and forgave her, begged her, the whole shabang.

Well in august I met another psychopath and as soon as the honeymoon was over and the push pull started I kicked her to the curb.

Did it hurt? Sure did.

But I remained a man and it proved I dont take any crap.

And you will too in the future, you wont let yourself be manipulated and distespected from now!

Chin up and watch your life flourish while hers will come spiraling down.

Haha, I liked the part about the scud missile!

You're right, I should be out celebrating or what have you. She was toxic... . an archer... . a cancerous individual who I willingly let devour my soul for far too long.

If I took anything away from this relationship, it's that I won't be pushed around anymore.

[Lady31]

I logged in to say two things:

Paperlung - you are worth more than to be this chic's errand boy!  Keep going forward honey!

Pallavira - I always LOVE reading your posts.

Lady

[paperlung]

Was hoping I could get some more thoughts on this. I can't help but think that I played a role in her finding somebody new to cling onto because I gave her the impression I had found somebody new myself.

I think I might've been the cause for what has most recently happened; her rejecting my help after originally wanting it and then jumping straight into new relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away. Let me explain.

So after the man from England left for a second time, the deal was that I would help her get help and we would try and repair our relationship slowly as she got better.

I mentioned to my ex last month one day at her place how there was this girl from my school who liked me and wanted to hang out and my ex didn't take it well. She immediately started asking me a bunch of questions like, "How did you meet her? What is she like? What does she look like?" -- I could sense her insecurity. I told my ex that she liked hockey and fitness; two things I am into and my ex isn't. So then my ex says, "Well! I guess you finally found your perfect girl! Get the F out my house now, you prick!" Meanwhile, I was trying to explain to her that I wasn't seeing her or was going to see her, I just wanted to mention the awkward situation I'm in. My ex told me to tell this girl that I couldn't see her because I was trying to work things out with my ex.

What I'm thinking is that she was afraid that eventually I was going to abandon her for this new girl or somebody else, so instead, she breaks it off me.

There were other times when she would say things to me like, "I bet when YOU move out/YOU have kids/YOU get married you'll... .  " -- It made me feel like she had no intention of being with ME in the future. So one night I made the effort to say something similar to her, "Maybe I'll meet my future wife while I'm studying to become a physiotherapist." Her response, "Wow... .  thanks."

It probably didn't help that I wasn't being very affectionate towards her, but then again, why should I have been? We weren't in a relationship anymore/she broke my heart/the plan was she just wanted to focus on getting better, but still... .  I know she wanted that loving attention, and I wasn't giving it to her.

There was another time when I was over she was acting all depressed and told me it was because she was on this forum exclusively for cam models like her and there was thread called "Post a picture of you and your boyfriend" -- seeing pictures of seemingly happy couples upset her. So what do I do? I tell her that she should go look for somebody on POF again if she is feeling that lonely. She then tells me to go home after that. Minutes later she hides under the covers (we were in her bed) and says, "Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend again?" I pull the blanket off her, look at her and say, "Look, I love you a lot. But right now, it simply just cannot work. You need to get help first. I'm willing to wait. Please don't think I'll leave you for somebody else." Minutes later I ask her where that came from and she told me to just forget about it.

So... .  what I'm trying to get at is she probably thought I was going to leave her so she found somebody else.

[TakeFlight]

Was hoping I could get some more thoughts on this. I can't help but think that I played a role in her finding somebody new to cling onto because I gave her the impression I had found somebody new myself.

I think I might've been the cause for what has most recently happened; her rejecting my help after originally wanting it and then jumping straight into new relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away. Let me explain.

So after the man from England left for a second time, the deal was that I would help her get help and we would try and repair our relationship slowly as she got better.

I mentioned to my ex last month one day at her place how there was this girl from my school who liked me and wanted to hang out and my ex didn't take it well. She immediately started asking me a bunch of questions like, "How did you meet her? What is she like? What does she look like?" -- I could sense her insecurity. I told my ex that she liked hockey and fitness; two things I am into and my ex isn't. So then my ex says, "Well! I guess you finally found your perfect girl! Get the F out my house now, you prick!" Meanwhile, I was trying to explain to her that I wasn't seeing her or was going to see her, I just wanted to mention the awkward situation I'm in. My ex told me to tell this girl that I couldn't see her because I was trying to work things out with my ex.

What I'm thinking is that she was afraid that eventually I was going to abandon her for this new girl or somebody else, so instead, she breaks it off me.

There were other times when she would say things to me like, "I bet when YOU move out/YOU have kids/YOU get married you'll... .  " -- It made me feel like she had no intention of being with ME in the future. So one night I made the effort to say something similar to her, "Maybe I'll meet my future wife while I'm studying to become a physiotherapist." Her response, "Wow... .  thanks."

It probably didn't help that I wasn't being very affectionate towards her, but then again, why should I have been? We weren't in a relationship anymore/she broke my heart/the plan was she just wanted to focus on getting better, but still... .  I know she wanted that loving attention, and I wasn't giving it to her.

There was another time when I was over she was acting all depressed and told me it was because she was on this forum exclusively for cam models like her and there was thread called "Post a picture of you and your boyfriend" -- seeing pictures of seemingly happy couples upset her. So what do I do? I tell her that she should go look for somebody on POF again if she is feeling that lonely. She then tells me to go home after that. Minutes later she hides under the covers (we were in her bed) and says, "Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend again?" I pull the blanket off her, look at her and say, "Look, I love you a lot. But right now, it simply just cannot work. You need to get help first. I'm willing to wait. Please don't think I'll leave you for somebody else." Minutes later I ask her where that came from and she told me to just forget about it.

So... .  what I'm trying to get at is she probably thought I was going to leave her so she found somebody else.

I can add to this. upon graduating college last May I decided my gf wasn't good enough for me, especially since I was moving 4.5 hours away too a great new job and  life. So I broke up with her. If only I'd stuck to my guns! Not long after I let her ~ me back in with her sob story of thinking I was the one and decided it was best to "transition" the relationship for a few months. I didn't get it at the time cuz I didn't know any BPD and I was pretty much breaking up with her during idealization, but this must have been HUGELY threatening  to her abandonment concerns. And as much as I told her I wasn't moving  on to anyone else (literally I was at home with mom waiting out the transition months from college to job) she was insistent that I was breaking up because i was  interested in someone else. In her eyes it's impossible to leave a relationship to be happy being alone, which is what I was gonna do. Leaving her could ONLY be because there was someone else I was pursuing. So of of course that's when devaluation an  hunt for the replacement she eventually cheated on me with started. Nonsense. But yea. They def invent stories of projection. You bet you spooked her into finding another connection.

[paperlung]

I know I shouldn't feel guilty for "spooking" her, but I do... . somewhat. Maybe I should've kept my mouth shut. I just wanted her to know that I had options this time in case she were to screw me around again.

I know I'm better off without my pill-popping/agoraphobic/sex worker/depressed/lying/cheating/self-harming/suicidal/BPD/manipulative/needy/abusive/ungrateful ex-girlfriend, though. Boy... . that sounds bad, doesn't it?

[sad but wiser]

Yes, Paperlung, it sounds absolutely crazy!  What would a man who can put together a cohesive sentence want with that type of a woman?

Job security?

[paperlung]

There's a lot of desperate men out there, and the site she works for is full of them. They all would meet/have sex with her if given the chance. I think all of that attention she got on cam went to her head. I remember one night she tried coming on to me (after she had cheated) and I completely rejected her, and she said, ":)o have any idea how many guys would kill to be with me?" and "If I didn't have anxiety/agorphobia, guys would be all over me at school or in the club." Her ego was through the roof! I even said to her that she had changed and that she wasn't the girl I fell in love with anymore.

Letting her work that stupid webcam job is my biggest regret. Not only did her personality change, but that is how she met buddy from England and cheated on me.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Letting her work that stupid webcam job is my biggest regret.

Did I read this sentence correctly?

My Friend, she is an adult.  To try to stop her would have been abusive.  You could have disagreed with her decision by engaging in a courteous discussion.  That is all you could have done.  You could not have stopped her at all.  She already has a parent.  It is the parent's job to take care of their children.  Yet, she is not a child either.  It is her job to make adult decisions and then to face the consequences. 

Had you voiced your opposition to her decision, you would have been painted black--that's all you would have accomplished.

You thought that goodness results in goodness.  Yes it does.  In the long run it does.  The universe does balance itself.  However, not with her. 

You sowed a seed in sand and continued to water it and nurture it waiting and hoping for it to grow.  It did not.  Now you are wondering if only you had put a certain fertilizer it may have grown, if only you had watered it at 3:39PM instead of at 3:40PM, it may have grown, if only you had watered it from a crystal cup instead of from a watering jug, it may have grown, if only you had crawled on bare knees and hands and on broken pieces of glass and watered it, then it may have grown, if only you had shaved your head while watering it, it may have grown, if only you had watered it wearing a white shirt, it may have grown, if only you did not wear the maroon tie your mother bought for you, it may have grown, if only you had not sneezed that particular day, it may have grown, if only you had serenaded it every evening, it may have grown, if only you were an inch taller, it may have grown; if only you had a car with three wheels, it may have grown; if only your nose was just one millimeter to the right, it may have grown; if only you were a vegetarian, it may have grown; if only your hair was a little curlier, it may have grown; if only you liked tea instead of coffee, it may have grown; if only you did not wear that striped shirt that one day, it may have grown; if only you did not get a hangnail it may have grown, if only you were... .

I could go on.

You get the picture.

A seed sown on sand will not, cannot take root, no matter how much you water it.

Period.

End of the regret story.

You are in mourning.  This self-questioning is also part of mourning.  It is important that you understand that this type of self-questioning is a facet of mourning.  Otherwise you will end up degrading yourself in your own eyes, while you have done nothing wrong... . (well, actually you have... . assisting in illegal drug consumption... . you have facilitated her access to pills in the name of love and help for a hurting person... . ).

Bad memories can only be mitigated in time by superimposition of layers of other good memories/experiences.  So be an artist.  Create good experiences for yourself... . hiking with friends, exercise, dancing, picnic... . whatever. 

Go forth and prosper (My Vulcan blessing).  :-)

[pallavirajsinghani]

p.s.   About any man wanting her:

A 75 year old woman with her imperfect body can easily and in 15 minutes get a man by offering herself for sex free and with no strings attached.

And the same 75 year old woman with her imperfect body can get as much CAM time as your girlfriend can.

These are not achievements of continuous, diligent, deep effort... . like getting a physiotherapy degree.

Hers are achievements of shame and embarrassment.

Not something to boast about.

[DragoN]

You sowed a seed in sand and continued to water it and nurture it waiting and hoping for it to grow.  It did not.  Now you are wondering if only you had put a certain fertilizer it may have grown, if only you had watered it at 3:39PM instead of at 3:40PM, it may have grown, if only you had watered it from a crystal cup instead of from a watering jug, it may have grown, if only you had crawled on bare knees and hands and on broken pieces of glass and watered it, then it may have grown, if only you had shaved your head while watering it, it may have grown, if only you had watered it wearing a white shirt, it may have grown, if only you did not wear the maroon tie your mother bought for you, it may have grown, if only you had not sneezed that particular day, it may have grown, if only you had serenaded it every evening, it may have grown, if only you were an inch taller, it may have grown; if only you had a car with three wheels, it may have grown; if only your nose was just one millimeter to the right, it may have grown; if only you were a vegetarian, it may have grown; if only your hair was a little curlier, it may have grown; if only you liked tea instead of coffee, it may have grown; if only you did not wear that striped shirt that one day, it may have grown; if only you did not get a hangnail it may have grown, if only you were... .

I could go on.

You get the picture.

  beautifully put.

Paperlung, as painful as it is, try not to allow it to take over. There is no quick fix for the pain. It's a gift to you later down the line, but you must walk with and through it.

I know I'm better off without my pill-popping/agoraphobic/sex worker/depressed/lying/cheating/self-harming/suicidal/BPD/manipulative/needy/abusive/ungrateful ex-girlfriend, though. Boy... . that sounds bad, doesn't it?

Freak show territory.  But, as you know, it didn't start quite like that did it? It was insidious and relatively slow. And pretty soon... . you know where it went. You deserve far better than that. And anyone threatening to have sex with whomever for whatever reason? Please ... . just go. Don't come back.

[paperlung]

Freak show territory.  But, as you know, it didn't start quite like that did it? It was insidious and relatively slow. And pretty soon... . you know where it went. You deserve far better than that. And anyone threatening to have sex with whomever for whatever reason? Please ... . just go. Don't come back.

Well... . she told me about her anxiety/agoraphobia/depression/anorexia/cutting really early on, although her eating disorder and self-injury issues were never a factor in our relationship until after about a year of dating (when she moved into her condo). It was then that her eating disorder and cutting started to happen again.

She said she cheated on her first boyfriend, but she also said she was young and would never do that to anybody ever again. Well she cheated on me! And I was thrice the boyfriend he ever was. She also said all that idealization mumbo jumbo like, "We're soul mates. I want to marry you. I want to have your babies. Let's move in together soon. I wish I lost my virginity to you. You make me so happy. I don't know what I'd do if you left me. Please never leave me. I need you. I love you. I can't imagine a life without you. I don't see myself ever breaking up with you."

She'd also say things like, "Why are you with me? I don't deserve you. You could do so much better? You could have any girl." I'd always have to reassure her that I loved her to bits and would never abandon her.

Look, I can totally admit that this relationship was probably not the smartest decision I've made in my life; just look at all of her problems I've listed! But I was 21, no real social life of my own, was a virgin, never even kissed a girl before... . I got sucked in by her. I wanted a girlfriend, desperately. But I did love her. I really, really did.

She actually sliced up her wrist really bad last month and sent me a picture of the bloody mess while I was out with some friends at a bar; it was very disturbing. Apparently I triggered her to do it because I said to her something along the lines of, "I don't think we should see each other anymore. I keep arguing with you, and I know it's because I'm still not over the affair you had. This is not healthy for either of us, and it would probably be best if I stayed away from you."

This is how I originally saw her when we first started dating. Just a troubled 19-year-old girl who was depressed about her current life because of her anxiety/no social life or friends/family upbringing. I thought I could fix all that for her, at least everything but her family situation. I thought I could make her happy, and I tried SO DAMN HARD. And for every good day we had together, there were 3 or 4 bad days where she'd just want to lie in bed in the dark and be depressed and think and say disturbing things while I tried to comfort her. But still, I was determined to help her. Then... . she cheated on me... . Blamed it all on me, said I wasn't there enough emotionally for her. She just took, and took, AND TOOK from me, and she burned me out. I had to see her every day, bring her food, take her here and there, but of course she would just say, "You're my boyfriend. These are the things you're supposed to do!" But what about me? She didn't do much for me. Sure, she cooked me dinner once in a while, but she'd even complain about that! How I'd never cook dinner for her (I can't cook). So yeah, I did withdraw myself from her a bit. I'd still come over to see her after school or work, but I'd bring my laptop and just put my earphones in and just watch my shows. Since she would rarely ever allow me to be physically away from her, I'd go into my own bubble/world from time to time in her presence while I was at her place to keep myself sane...

[DragoN]

Paperlung,

You are a soft hearted young man. At your age, I would not have tolerated that. We are different.

At my old age, I would not hook up with someone like that. Not as a friend either. Too toxic. I can't save them.

BUT... . I did marry a pwBPD, high functioning, successful, charismatic and very abusive. Have lost many years and heaven's knows what else in that journey to now.

Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. Grieve for what you thought you had, and let it go. Easier said than done, I know. But... . do it, you must. Day by day, when you start to think of her, shift your mind elsewhere. These boards are helpful, but they can also be a tad addicting. Refreshing and rehashing the pain.

Look, I can totally admit that this relationship was probably not the smartest decision I've made in my life; just look at all of her problems I've listed! But I was 21, no real social life of my own, was a virgin, never even kissed a girl before... . I got sucked in by her. I wanted a girlfriend, desperately. But I did love her. I really, really did.

 Nobody questions that. It's ok. It's just so sad to see that your first r/s was with such a head case. You are young, and now much wiser.


What are you doing to take care of yourself? Improve your outlook? Friends you have gotten into contact with? Studies or courses you are interested in or were interested in prior to the chaos?


The real focus, is you.

[paperlung]

I'm actually supposed to be seeing an old friend of mine tomorrow, actually. Was supposed to last Saturday, but his cat got sick (ate detergent) and had to look after it. There will be beer, and there will definitely be some major catching up to do.

My best friend lives in another province, so I don't get to see him very often, but he's been there for me to talk to about this. I might go visit him this summer. Would be nice to get away for a while.

There's one other old friend of mine I keep in touch with here and there. We caught up after 5 years a couple of months ago. I'd like to try and see him more as well.

That's about it for friends. My ex-girlfriend pretty much consumed my life for the past year and a half so I haven't really had the chance to make any real friends at college, just acquaintances.

I've also started going back to the gym regularly. I used to go all the time before I my met my ex, but afterwards... . hah... . stopped going.

Taking an English course in the summer, plus I've got my part-time job just down the road from where I live; I do grounds keeping at a golf course. Speaking of which, I didn't golf once last year. Again, the ex. I tried to get her to go with me so many times, but she never wanted to. Sucked.

[paperlung]

Some of things I'd have to do for her, I swear... .

There was this one time, after I had come home from snowboarding... . It was like midnight, I'm exhausted, and she tells me to come over so I can bring her a roll of toilet paper... . I did, of course, and it turns out she had some but forgot. Ugh.

Another time she made me come over just so I could turn the oven on for her. It was like 7 PM and she hadn't ate anything all day and was apparently too weak to get out of bed... . T_T

There is so much to not miss about her, it's ridiculous. I do feel very sorry for her, though. Her life sucks and she has so many issues. On top of that, she doesn't have a loving family that shows that they care about her well-being.

[DragoN]

I'm actually supposed to be seeing an old friend of mine tomorrow, actually. Was supposed to last Saturday, but his cat got sick (ate detergent) and had to look after it. There will be beer, and there will definitely be some major catching up to do.

My best friend lives in another province, so I don't get to see him very often, but he's been there for me to talk to about this. I might go visit him this summer. Would be nice to get away for a while.

There's one other old friend of mine I keep in touch with here and there. We caught up after 5 years a couple of months ago. I'd like to try and see him more as well.

That's about it for friends. My ex-girlfriend pretty much consumed my life for the past year and a half so I haven't really had the chance to make any real friends at college, just acquaintances.

I've also started going back to the gym regularly. I used to go all the time before I my met my ex, but afterwards... . hah... . stopped going.

Taking an English course in the summer, plus I've got my part-time job just down the road from where I live; I do grounds keeping at a golf course. Speaking of which, I didn't golf once last year. Again, the ex. I tried to get her to go with me so many times, but she never wanted to. Sucked.

Good! More opportunities for fun will slowly unfold. Keep at it.

Your second post... . yeah... . not much to "miss" is it?

Not when you think about it.

She allowed you to feel needed and sorry for her. I don't feel too sorry for her with the cam job and the money she makes. She can afford therapy and can get her own darn food.

[paperlung]

I'm actually supposed to be seeing an old friend of mine tomorrow, actually. Was supposed to last Saturday, but his cat got sick (ate detergent) and had to look after it. There will be beer, and there will definitely be some major catching up to do.

My best friend lives in another province, so I don't get to see him very often, but he's been there for me to talk to about this. I might go visit him this summer. Would be nice to get away for a while.

There's one other old friend of mine I keep in touch with here and there. We caught up after 5 years a couple of months ago. I'd like to try and see him more as well.

That's about it for friends. My ex-girlfriend pretty much consumed my life for the past year and a half so I haven't really had the chance to make any real friends at college, just acquaintances.

I've also started going back to the gym regularly. I used to go all the time before I my met my ex, but afterwards... . hah... . stopped going.

Taking an English course in the summer, plus I've got my part-time job just down the road from where I live; I do grounds keeping at a golf course. Speaking of which, I didn't golf once last year. Again, the ex. I tried to get her to go with me so many times, but she never wanted to. Sucked.

Good! More opportunities for fun will slowly unfold. Keep at it.

Your second post... . yeah... . not much to "miss" is it?

Not when you think about it.

She allowed you to feel needed and sorry for her. I don't feel too sorry for her with the cam job and the money she makes. She can afford therapy and can get her own darn food.

Thing is, she has always blamed her anxiety/agoraphobia for the reason why she is unable to go out on her own. She is paranoid she'll have a panic attack. I'm guessing she's had to suck it up since I went NC. Everything she needs is easily accessible via walking. But I know she wouldn't go out without taking a clonazepam, that's for sure. I'm sure she got buddy from Utah to take her wherever she needed to go, just like I used to, when he came up here to visit her two weekends ago.

Can't help but wonder what the future holds for her, though. Last I heard (from checking her cam), she is going to be staying in Utah with her new man for a while, which really shocked me because that's a pretty far drive. She would never even want to go camping with me (she's never been) just an hour away from home. So the idea of her in a different country, with this guy, no visual familiarity... . I just can't imagine it. Her anxiety is that bad. If she actually goes through with it, wow. She's never even left the area she's from before. I know I shouldn't care, but this kind of intrigues me considering how her anxiety caused our relationship so many troubles.

As for therapy, I doubt she's doing/going to do any. There's nothing in our area and she doesn't drive. After she got diagnosed she probably ended up dismissing it. All she thinks she needs is a man to love/save her all over again. Sheesh.

[sad but wiser]

Did I read this sentence correctly?

My Friend, she is an adult.  To try to stop her would have been abusive.  You could have disagreed with her decision by engaging in a courteous discussion.  That is all you could have done.  You could not have stopped her at all.  She already has a parent.  It is the parent's job to take care of their children.  Yet, she is not a child either.  It is her job to make adult decisions and then to face the consequences. 

Had you voiced your opposition to her decision, you would have been painted black--that's all you would have accomplished.

Hear, Hear, Palla! Well said!

[pallavirajsinghani]

There was this one time, after I had come home from snowboarding... . It was like midnight, I'm exhausted, and she tells me to come over so I can bring her a roll of toilet paper... . I did, of course, and it turns out she had some but forgot. Ugh.... . and then that one time when she said that she forgot how to use the toilet paper and I had to get up at weeeee hours of the morning and help her remember how to use it... . and then there was one time when she said that she had totally dissociated and could not get up from the bed to go to the bathroom and I had to carry her and find out that she now needed adult diapers and I had to help her clean up after herself and then had to go to the convenience store to purchase some baby diaper rash cream... .

Again, my post may appear a sarcastic anti-mental disease rant... . it is not meant to be.

I am reiterating the "infantilism" inherent in the manifestations of this disorder and how your relationship was with a legally and intellectually adult person whose emotions are stuck at the age of a child.

You are on the road to recovery.  Continue walking the path.  Pray for those who suffer from this disorder.  For you my friend, will create a great functional fulfilling life... . those who suffer from this disease will not... . not without long term therapy.

[Louise7777]

Palla, I completelly agree with you on the "I am reiterating the "infantilism" inherent in the manifestations of this disorder and how your relationship was with a legally and intellectually adult person whose emotions are stuck at the age of a child."

They pretend to be helpless, helpless kids, actually! I have seen baby talk from a BPD woman on her 70s! If you give in, it just gets worse. Im always amazed to see such freak show behaviour causes pity on people... . I really have no empathy for that! The lady Im talking about did that in order to have all boring tasks be done for her. Aint that convenient? Although pathetic and ridiculous!

[paperlung]

It's so true. She was far more like a child, one that I had to take care of, than a girlfriend. I even told her this.

Maybe NC has caused her to be more independent, I don't know. I ain't her chauffeur anymore!

[paperlung]

Lurked her Facebook and saw that she is now I guess "officially" in a relationship with this guy. She also mentioned how she hasn't been this happy in a long time. I feel down.

[Louise7777]

Paperlung, I understand you feel down. But keep in mind its the same movie again, you already watched it. She will repeat the "I was never this happy" for every new bf... .   Its not about you, its abt her disorder. And its about what you will do from now on to avoid being hurt again. Wish u luck.

[paperlung]

Paperlung, I understand you feel down. But keep in mind its the same movie again, you already watched it. She will repeat the "I was never this happy" for every new bf... .   Its not about you, its abt her disorder. And its about what you will do from now on to avoid being hurt again. Wish u luck.

Thanks, cristina. I really do gotta keep reminding myself that.

I'm also starting to see now how she mirrored people. We got along great when we first met, seemed to have quite a bit in common, never argued, ect. But after she started talking to that guy from England on the internet, I started to notice her options/values/beliefs change. Before meeting him, she would talk getting married someday and having children. But then after spending so much time talking to that guy from England, she started to think more anti-marriage and kids, and that is how the English man felt on the subject. She also started getting into his culture, started reading about philosophers; stuff he was into. She liked how he was apparently very "intelligent". My ex was always very anti-religious and said she could never be with someone who was. Which leads me to the new guy from Utah. He grew up Mormon, has tons of brothers and sisters, and as far know, is still a believer in Jesus Christ. I found his Facebook and saw him wearing a cross in a couple photos and he liked a page called "Jesus The Christ", so... .   I don't quite understand what my ex is thinking all of sudden. Just seems weird to me.

She always felt like she couldn't relate to me because we grew up differently; I had loving parents and happy childhood and she didn't. And that made her uncomfortable around my small family; I just have two brothers. Well, this guy from Utah grew up Mormon, has a HUGE, happy family (I saw from FB). So... .   what gives? What's different? I don't see how she wouldn't feel awkward around his much larger family if they were to meet.

I just can't comprehend this LDR working. Just what the hell is going on in her head? Just last month she was asking to be my boyfriend again, calling that guy from England her soul mate? Now this... .   Mind=Blown

[paperlung]

She's apparently going to Utah with him in May. Sheesh! They sure move fast.

Still a month away, though. Wonder if she'll have a change of heart. I just can't see my really anxious, agoraphobic ex traveling from Canada to Utah by car for 16+ hours to stay in a country she's never been to before, far, far away from her safe house here. If she does go through with it, then I underestimated her.

[momtara]

Probably her new boyfriend will be on here posting, staring in May.   

[Louise7777]

LOL Montara! 

Paperlung, I still believe you worry too much about her. Look at what you wrote: her, she, hers... .   Way more than I, me, mine... .   Im not criticizing you, we all been through that in r/s (even without a BPDso).

I know its easier said than done, but focus on you, on your needs, on your wishes and desires.

Why do they behave like that? There is no logical explanation! Dont forget BPDs have no inner life, they feel hollow, so they have to create a stir, to "shake the boat"... .   They like to create fights and wild situations. Im not surprised she is doing the opposite of what she ever told you. Its their MO. Dont go crazy trying to figure it out. Forget abt her facebook (I know, easier said than done!), her guy´s fb... .   Wish u the best. 

[sad but wiser]

My dear paperlung,

What does he have that you don't have?  A history with her.  That is it!  He doesn't set off her triggers - at least not yet.  He will, though.  It is inevitable.

Do you really want the chaos back?  If you get recycled, you will be wonderful and perfect for a couple of weeks again. (Your great and noble rescuer period)  Then it will be back to the chaos and probably worse than before.  You deserve better.  Really.  Yeah, I know.  That "you deserve" thing sets all of us nonBPD people on edge like fingernails on a chalkboard.  We feel like we have to earn what we get. 

How about that family of yours?  I bet they feel pretty relieved that she is leaving the country.  They may even try to set you up with a reasonable girl or two.  And here you are, emotionally dry as a bone, right?  They say it gets better.  After a time.  After a long time... .  

[paperlung]

LOL Montara! 

Paperlung, I still believe you worry too much about her. Look at what you wrote: her, she, hers... .   Way more than I, me, mine... .   Im not criticizing you, we all been through that in r/s (even without a BPDso).

I know its easier said than done, but focus on you, on your needs, on your wishes and desires.

Why do they behave like that? There is no logical explanation! Dont forget BPDs have no inner life, they feel hollow, so they have to create a stir, to "shake the boat"... .   They like to create fights and wild situations. Im not surprised she is doing the opposite of what she ever told you. Its their MO. Dont go crazy trying to figure it out. Forget abt her facebook (I know, easier said than done!), her guy´s fb... .   Wish u the best. 

You would definitely be correct in that assumption; I am still worrying about her too much. She became like my daughter (weird, right?) and I looked after her as she was very needy and incapable of doing many times. She's not even with me anymore! I need to stop caring/worrying somehow.

I gotta stop looking as well, gah! I actually went a week without doing it, but then it just started happening again... .    

[paperlung]

My dear paperlung,

What does he have that you don't have?  A history with her.  That is it!  He doesn't set off her triggers - at least not yet.  He will, though.  It is inevitable.

Do you really want the chaos back?  If you get recycled, you will be wonderful and perfect for a couple of weeks again. (Your great and noble rescuer period)  Then it will be back to the chaos and probably worse than before.  You deserve better.  Really.  Yeah, I know.  That "you deserve" thing sets all of us nonBPD people on edge like fingernails on a chalkboard.  We feel like we have to earn what we get. 

How about that family of yours?  I bet they feel pretty relieved that she is leaving the country.  They may even try to set you up with a reasonable girl or two.  And here you are, emotionally dry as a bone, right?  They say it gets better.  After a time.  After a long time... .  

I think she may have wanted a clean slate; to be "done" with me and the man from England because she screwed with us both mentally a lot. Something she even admitted to doing and said felt guilty about.

My family is stunned. Never saw her as the type to do something like this else. If anything, they just feel sorry for her. They also don't believe her new relationship will last forever, neither do I, but it still messes with my head a bit. As for leaving the country, she's only going there to visit for a while, so she'll be back.

[Louise7777]

Paperlung, you are right, she became like your daughter. From what I have read, you looked like a nurse, caretaker, chauffeur and more... .   I wonder what you were getting from this relationship. Seems to me you did all and she didnt appreciate, cheated on you, etc... .  

My question to you is> what made you get into that? Why u turned urself from bf to caretaker? Lets focus on u.

Happened to me before, thats why I feel free to ask you, I have been there! With a drug-addict bf, who was very VERY selfish and had a way on manipulate people. The r/s lasted for 4 months, but was enough to make me clinically depressed. Thats why I told you to run and never look back. For ur own sanity, for ur own future. I will tell u honestly: they are vampires! They use u, suck ur energy and leave u when someone seems to be a better choice at the moment.

At some point in the future you will be happy she left. I hope that moment arrives fast. 

[paperlung]

Paperlung, you are right, she became like your daughter. From what I have read, you looked like a nurse, caretaker, chauffeur and more... .   I wonder what you were getting from this relationship. Seems to me you did all and she didnt appreciate, cheated on you, etc... .  

My question to you is> what made you get into that? Why u turned urself from bf to caretaker? Lets focus on u.

I've thought about what I was getting out of the relationship many, many times, and this is all I was able to come up with.

- Sex

- She'd make me dinner sometimes when I came over (she complained about it though because I never did it for her; I can't cook)

- Companionship; someone to go out and do things with (her depression and anxiety made it difficult though)

She really didn't bring much to the table.

And you're right, she didn't appreciate me enough. She rarely ever thanked me for anything I did for her. It used to upset me so much. Would've felt so good to just hear her say while looking at me, "Thank you so much for everything that you do for me. You are such a wonderful person and I love you." Sigh

How or why I turned from BF to caretaker? Well, I didn't have much choice if I wanted to be with her. That's just who she was; a broken, needy, helpless little girl who needed somebody to save her, and I took on that task. I remained patient and continued to hope that one day she would overcome her problems with some sort of therapy/medication, but it never happened. The relationship never took off and got better.

Happened to me before, thats why I feel free to ask you, I have been there! With a drug-addict bf, who was very VERY selfish and had a way on manipulate people. The r/s lasted for 4 months, but was enough to make me clinically depressed. Thats why I told you to run and never look back. For ur own sanity, for ur own future. I will tell u honestly: they are vampires! They use u, suck ur energy and leave u when someone seems to be a better choice at the moment.

At some point in the future you will be happy she left. I hope that moment arrives fast.  

I did feel emotionally drained. Like I said, she demanded I see her every evening after school/work. But sometimes I'd like some space to do my own thing, you know? So since I couldn't get that space away from her, I would at her place. I wouldn't say I ignored her purposely, but I'd go into my own little bubble sometimes with my laptop and just watch my shows. She started to think I didn't care about her anymore, which was her explanation as to why she sought out the man from England. I tried to explain to her that she was wearing me down, and she didn't argue that, but it was too late it seemed. She wanted to meet him... .   and you know the rest.

If she had her own social life, friends, a loving family to go visit, went to school, she probably wouldn't of found it necessary to see me ALL the time. But since she was basically living like a hermit, she was very alone and needed me around a lot. It was very emotionally exhausting for me.

[Louise7777]

Well paperlung, seems to me you are improving. I did ask myself what I was getting from that relationship (cause I knew what i was giving) and it was close to zero.

I can tell you that above all, you didnt get PEACE OF MIND. Because, unless you are a doormat, you cant have any happiness or peace of mind when in a relationship with a "vampire". They are takers. Sometimes (only sometimes) they throw you a bone. Small, half-eaten bone. Thats all you will get. But its enough to keep you there  Amd your self-steem goes downhill in the process.

Not only she didnt appreciate you, she cheated on you. I find it evil. They have some pleasure posing as victims and then betraying in a sly way.

Im sorry, I know you dont want to hear that, but you need a reality check (like I needed, many years ago). Take her behaviour (and your behaviour) has a lesson that you shouldnt repeat ever again. Find people who are healthy, who can be good to you, thats a real relationship (even regarding friends). 

[sad but wiser]

They are takers. Sometimes (only sometimes) they throw you a bone. Small, half-eaten bone.

It is so true, cristina - you made me laugh!

[Louise7777]

Sad but wiser, Im glad I did. 

My Ebglish can be bizarre sometimes. 

[paperlung]

Well paperlung, seems to me you are improving. I did ask myself what I was getting from that relationship (cause I knew what i was giving) and it was close to zero.

I can tell you that above all, you didnt get PEACE OF MIND. Because, unless you are a doormat, you cant have any happiness or peace of mind when in a relationship with a "vampire". They are takers. Sometimes (only sometimes) they throw you a bone. Small, half-eaten bone. Thats all you will get. But its enough to keep you there  Amd your self-steem goes downhill in the process.

Not only she didnt appreciate you, she cheated on you. I find it evil. They have some pleasure posing as victims and then betraying in a sly way.

Im sorry, I know you dont want to hear that, but you need a reality check (like I needed, many years ago). Take her behaviour (and your behaviour) has a lesson that you shouldnt repeat ever again. Find people who are healthy, who can be good to you, thats a real relationship (even regarding friends).  

You know... .   last October (2012) she didn't even bother getting me a card or a gift for my birthday (well actually she did buy me something weeks later to make up for it, but still). I got her a birthday card, a gift card, and some flowers. What did she do? "I don't like these flowers, they're ugly. Why did you get me a gift card? You should've just given me money." T_T I don't think she could've been less thankful that day. This was also around the time she started messing around with buddy from England on cam/caught feelings for him.

October was special for us because our birthdays were only a day apart. The October before that when we were still in the honeymoon phase (I guess) she got us a special custom birthday cake made, went out OWN HER OWN to get my presents, which really impressed me because that was actually the ONLY time while we dated that she went by herself.

It's just little stuff like that that remind me how little appreciation she showed sometimes for somebody who would do ANYTHING to make her happy. Like I said, I used to do a lot of her grocery shopping for her because she was either "too tired or too sick or too weak" to do it. I'd come walking up the stairs with like 4 heavy bags in each hand then be made to put all the food away either in the fridge or cupboard for her. And rarely would she ever remember to say thanks. Would make me so mad. I'd say to her sarcastically, "You're welcome" and she'd say, "Oh, I forgot" or "I was going to!".

My parents and even grandparents treated her so nicely too and would buy her gifts for her condo to help her out (they thought she was just barely getting by, they didn't know about her cam job). I'd end up brining over what they bought her a lot of the time and she wouldn't even care, she'd just be like, "Oh, what's that? Oh, okay." Nothing ever like, "Oh my gosh, your family is so nice and kind. Tell them I said thanks!" Just so concept of gratitude whatsoever. In her crazy head, she thought my family judged her, looked down on her. Thought I deserved more, which wasn't true at all. So she avoided seeing my family for dinner a lot of the time with excuses.

I'm still constantly shifting between anger and sadness when I think about her, which is a lot.

[Surnia]

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