In so much pain and don't know what to do

[Manager32]

Things had been going great with my undiagnosed friend with borderline traits.  Over the last 2-3 months, we'd gotten very close.  As of the week before last,  we were discussing where our relationship would be when my divorce is final in a couple of months.  She'd told me that she cared about me more than I would ever know and I'm one of the best fiends she's ever had, but that she was afraid that if we got involved in a relationship that she'd ruin things, because that's what she does. We talked about it a bit more and as of Saturday the 16th, she'd begun asking questions about me and a long-time female friend of mine, saying "After everything we've talked about over the last couple of days, if there's something going on there, you need to be honest and tell me about it now," so I could see her thoughts about our potential future were changing.

At the same time, I could tell something was off with her.  For a couple of weeks, she seemed much less happy than she had been.  She started asking about my therapist for the first time in several weeks, saying that she needed help because she had "a lot of issues."  Everything came to a head on Sunday the 17th.

A and I met for lunch.  She'd been assigned some work to do for her job that day, but said she was feeling bad and she'd decided not to go, even though she was probably going to get into trouble.  She asked me if I'd like to come back to her place and watch some DVDs and I said I would.  When we got there, so lay on the couch looking like she felt bad, even ignoring calls and texts, which is unusual for her. She ended up getting a call she wanted to take.  She asked me not to pause the DVD, that she'd take the call in her bedroom.  I couldn't hear the conversation over the tv, but it started out pleasant, got kinda heated in a couple of places, and I distinctly heard her say "What? WHY?" at one point.  She came out of the bedroom a couple of minutes later, sighed deeply, and returned to the couch.  I believe that it was her boss on the phone and that she got fired.

About 20 minutes later she asked if I would mind if she went and bought some weed.  I told her I guessed that would be fine, so she left me at her place while she went to buy, to get groceries, and to get gas.  She returned with the weed and about 15 bags of groceries, which I've never seen her do before (she usually picks up a couple of things here and there).  She also commented that she'd filled up her gas tank, which was also unusual.  After putting the groceries away, she decided to smoke, commenting that it made her very sleepy.  Before long, she was asking me to leave, as she was ready for bed.  I said good night and thought nothing of it.

Monday came and she was no longer responding to my texts, which is extremely unusual.  I called and told her I was worried about her, to let me know she was ok, and she texted a short while later saying she was home sick.  I texted her a couple of more times that night and again the next morning, all of which went unanswered. I was worried, so I texted and called and let her know I was coming to her place to check on her. It took forever to get her to the door, and when she answered, she only opened the door about 4-5 inches and refused to allow me in.  Her eyes were massively dilated and I could tell she had been using, and I told her so and that I knew she was hiding things from me. I could tell I was only making things worse, making her mad, so I left.

I heard very little from her after that, aside from a couple of texts letting me know that she was still sick with "stomach problems" and not going to work.  On Saturday, she finally responded to a phone call and told me that she was going through some things and that she needed to handle them on her own, her way.  She said she got like this every so often and that she'd eventually be fine.  She said she felt like I was forcing help on her and she didn't want that, that she didn't want to talk to me about her life right now, and that she'd let me know when she did. I asked her if she knew when that would be and she said she didn't. I told her how shutting me out had hurt and she apologized and said she'd never intended to hurt me with anything she'd done, and I do believe she means that.  I asked again if there was anything I could do and she said, "I don't need right you now, but I'll let you know when I do."  I told her I'd check on her from time to time to make sure she's ok and left it at that.

I've never felt so hurt and so used in my entire life.  I don't know that she meant it this way with the "I don't need you right now" bit, but I can't be in a relationship of any kind with someone who only wants me in their life when it's convenient for them, and I told her that.  I pointed out that she'd promised me repeatedly that if I ever needed her, that she would be there for me no matter what, and that I needed her now.  All she could respond with was "I'm sorry."  Since then, she's stopped responding to my texts asking if she's ok.  I don't know what to do or how to go forward, or even if there is a way forward for us after this. I can't remember the last time I hurt this much and I don't know how to find peace within all of this.  Any help that any of you can offer me would be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Manager32]

She has an old friend that I've never met.  This person has known A for almost 25 years and A values her above anyone else.  I have a phone number for her and am thinking about giving her a call today to see if she has any advice for me or if she knows how to pull A out of the state she is in.  She's helped pull A out of some bad places before from what A has said, so I'm hoping she can do it again.

[Auspicious]

If she has BPD, then it is quite likely that she does operate out of need, much or most of the time.

[briefcase]

I would give her space.  Frantic efforts to reconnect with her right now will only push her further away.  It also sounds like she has a serious drug problem.   

[Manager32]

The best guess I've been given by my therapist (after having heard all of the details of my 6-month relationship with A) is that she believes A has borderline traits, but that is was not severe enough for her to be considered personality disordered.  I've never seen her display some of the more prominent BPD behaviors (splitting and mirroring/lack of a sense of self to name two) and she's always been very rational and able to be reasoned with.  She's always been very careful with my feelings and mindful of how her behavior quirks affect me, which is why I reminded her or her promise.  She's always been attentive to things like this in the past, but I've never seen her dysregulate before. 

Regarding a possible drug problem, it would appear she's a binge user, as we've spent almost every minute of our free time together over the last 2 and 1/2 months and I've never gotten any indication that she was using.  She didn't even have a pipe for the weed until she went and bought a new one on Sunday.  The only other time I've known her to use anything it was weed and it was back around Christmas when she was struggling with some things.  Other than that, in the six months I've known her, she appears to have been clean.

I am giving her space.  I've dropped all contact as of Saturday and am letting her do her thing.  I just don't know how to go about rebuilding things once she gets herself straightened out.  Does anyone have any strategies for this that would be helpful? 

[Auspicious]

You might want to take advantage of this "break" by reading through the Lessons.

[patientandclear]

Manager... . this is almost certainly not about you unless you make it about you by insisting she process the status of your r/s at the worst possible time for her. Before I understood about BPD I had a tendency to push my SO to a conclusion rather than giving him space to process. Doing that, the conclusion could only be poor, whereas had I been able to take a step back & let him breathe, I think we might never have gone through the sharp breakups that then put so much distance & hurt between us.

She's dealing w/something, for sure, but she's told you it will pass & undoubtedly it will. If you want to maintain a r/s with her, give her space & don't do damage in the meantime. I second the advice to use this break to read the Lessons ... . I wish I'd had the benefit of that knowledge much earlier.

[LetItBe]

Manager, I had a friend who would get depressed and need time to herself when things were difficult.  I'd let her know I was available when she was ready.  I don't think she had BPD but did struggle with depression.  I learned the best thing to do was not to take it personally and remember that she'd be back when she was in a better space.  

[whatathing]

Hello, I´m in a similar situation. My uBPDexgf went crazy when one night I told her I was unsure of her position regarding our r/s, and that I was afraid that she one day discovered that she doesn´t want this. She started immediately having panic attacks, vomiting, saying that it´s likely that would happen, and went through three days of nightmare, not being able to soothe and calm down, until she told me she thought we weren´t meant to each other and that we couldn´t see each other anymore, or we would suffer much more.

I didn´t know everything I know now, and hadn´t found this fantastic site. I begged, cried and said it was a mistake, tried to convince her with arguments that she was wrong, thus invalidating what she was feeling. She felt suffocated, and controlled. It worsened everything much more. It´s been 2 months now, she started seing a therapist weekly and is evolving very slowly. We started chating in facebook again, and she likes it, but still isn´t able to decide about me, and I never asked again. I started using the tools I read about in here, mostly the validation techniques, and letting her know I´m here when she wants, and not pushing a bit, just letting her choose when or not to chat. When I have the opportunity, I´ll tell her I don´t need her to take a position about us. I know she loves me and feels great with me, it´s all about fear and not being able to decide and knowing what really goes inside her, what she wants or not.

She now tells me she wants to be with me soon, to hang out. The validation really works, I can tell she feels heard and seen, she gets entusiastic and talks a lot more, and asks about me, and everything. It´s incredible how I was invalidating her very much when we were together, and how it damaged our r/s. Although I don´t see that as my fault, just wish I could know it before.

I´m sure that if I just smiled and recognized her need for space when she said it that night, it would all be much quicker and lighter. She would go away, and she would be back. I´m learning, and I think there´s something interesting in all of this: we can´t interpret literally what they say. There are double messages, sometimes she has a need to state that she doesn´t know what will happen, but somehow, the more they love us, the more they say the opposite. I´ve read something like this somewhere.

I hope she´ll be back, but meanwhile, at first I was a wreck, and now I can see that life is good apart from her, and I can give myself the love and security I was looking for in her. I can feel the needs I have that she didn´t meet, and look at her not as someone who has all the power over me, but as someone that I want, but don´t need desperately. It´s like I recovered some sense of being good with myself, and of taking pleasure out of all the things that are around us.

I´d like to know more about what happens with you, because I see some similarities in my uBPDexgf and yours... . and I wish you luck and faith. I´ve found that she was a great opportunity to work on faith, on being able to not control things and believing that life turns out good. It did once, since this is the second time she goes away. The first one lasted about a month, and after that it was just like suesimba said: she was happy to see me again, eager to be with me, like nothing had happen. It´s very interesting how there are somethings that are so common between them all.

[Rockylove]

The best guess I've been given by my therapist (after having heard all of the details of my 6-month relationship with A) is that she believes A has borderline traits, but that is was not severe enough for her to be considered personality disordered.  I've never seen her display some of the more prominent BPD behaviors (splitting and mirroring/lack of a sense of self to name two) and she's always been very rational and able to be reasoned with.  She's always been very careful with my feelings and mindful of how her behavior quirks affect me, which is why I reminded her or her promise.  She's always been attentive to things like this in the past, but I've never seen her dysregulate before. 

Your relationship is relatively young.  You've only been together for 6 months.  You are still in the honeymoon period.  She may be high functioning BPD and from what you have said when she crashes... . she crashes really hard.  This will likely happen again... . and again and... . well, you get the picture.  As others have suggested, give her space to figure her stuff out and take the time off to read more about BPD.  Take care of yourself.  I know you're very worried about her right now and feel rejected, but it's not about you, anything you did or didn't do... . it's about how she feels and it sounds like she's feeling like pond scum at the moment and she probably doesn't want you to see her like that.  Sending you big  !