Has anyone tried desperately to get their BPD ex back?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

Despite pretty clear BPD behaviours on her part (including a suicide attempt) that led me to having to end my relationship with my ex fiance after four stormy years, a month later I crumbled and made every attempt to get her back for months!

Sometimes she responded, a few times we went out, other times I was accused of harrassing her but at times with the number of texts I would send I can see her perspective on this. I felt very panicked at the thought of being alone. I didn't stalk her or anything, just made every effort to get her back and this is before I discovered BPD which suddenly made things all clear for me.

I'm sure this makes me co-dependent which I accept and a year on I feel pretty healed but has anyone else done the same thing? I really did not recognise my clingy behaviour at the time and applied no logic to the situation. Why?

[Shadowlands]

Hi all,

Despite pretty clear BPD behaviours on her part (including a suicide attempt) that led me to having to end my relationship with my ex fiance after four stormy years, a month later I crumbled and made every attempt to get her back for months!

Sometimes she responded, a few times we went out, other times I was accused of harrassing her but at times with the number of texts I would send I can see her perspective on this. I felt very panicked at the thought of being alone. I didn't stalk her or anything, just made every effort to get her back and this is before I discovered BPD which suddenly made things all clear for me.

I'm sure this makes me co-dependent which I accept and a year on I feel pretty healed but has anyone else done the same thing? I really did not recognise my clingy behaviour at the time and applied no logic to the situation. Why?

[In Pieces]

Hi,

I spent six excrutiating weeks attempting to get my BPDex of two years back.  It was just six weeks of further suffering.  Everything I did was met with blame, projection, coldness, and dismissal.  It was a complete dead end that only allowed her six more weeks to tear my confidence and self-esteem to shreds.  I was extremely co-dependent with her, but she was also with me... .   until one day she simply said, "I don't want to do this anymore".  That was it... .   gone... .   she flipped a switch and became a different person.  Nothing logical happened to cause it.  It brought me to my knees.  Their behavior makes you clingy, they want to see you beg, they want to see you suffer, so they have the oppurtunity to project their shame and justify their actions.  I am 3 1/2 months out and am only now able to concentrate on anything other than breathing in and out.  I had never loved someone so deeply in my life, but I am starting to accept she was nothing more than a ghost.  I have never felt so much pain.

[Shadowlands]

Thanks for the perspective and sorry to hear what you are going through... .  

What made you stop contacting her? Six weeks isn't that long in the scheme of things... .   interested in what you have done since.

[Blessed0329]

Shadow, I battled the urge to run after my ex for months. I had to stop myself at every turn and repeat, "you are NOT a doormat." it is a very powerful urge, and I believe it comes from the intense bonding experience we go through during the idealization phase. Even now, 12 weeks NC, I still feel incredibly bonded to him, and wonder, really, if that will ever go away.

In a normal relationship, having second thoughts, and running after an ex might result in another try at the relationship. From what I understand of BPD, running after an ex pwBPD results in what you experienced: more pushing away. It's characteristic of the disorder.

[trevjim]

Ye i did, I broke up with her and moved home, yet when I found out she had a new boyfriend the next day I got jelouse, we had sex again and hung out for about 2 weeks, and then she chose him over me. I tried for the next few weeks yet all I got was abuse. I was split black he was white, I had no chance.

[Shadowlands]

Blessed,

That really, really helps... .   I remember in the first month feeling very guilty about cancelling the wedding of her dreams, so when she tried to get me back in this short period I relented just as you described because I was feeling very guilty and confused.

Once I did, it was like she played a game with me to get everything to be my fault in the phases post break up, without ever wanting to focus on what had gone wrong prior to and what led to the break up and before long I was literally on my knees begging for forgiveness, inwardly taking all the blame and apologising for trying to move on afterwards!

I used to think sometimes when we were together that her childlike behaviour meant we were intellectually and emotionally on different levels when in actual fact she was a lot smarter than me by a long shot... .  

[Shadowlands]

Thanks trevjim,

Assuming this was a while ago, spare a thought for him,... .   it won't be long before he is black and someone else will be white!

[Discarded26]

Their behavior makes you clingy, they want to see you beg, they want to see you suffer, so they have the oppurtunity to project their shame and justify their actions. 

This sentence spoke out to me BIGTIME

That's how it ended in the end. They made 'us' the centre of their world, then it all changes and were the ones who are clingy and begging

Interesting

[In Pieces]

I stopped when I discovered she had started seeing someone else, contrary to what she had been feeding me.  I was definitely being persistent, but not overbearing.  When I discovered her new relationship I sent an email and left a voicemail calling her out on her behavior, lies, and manipulation.  I let her know that I had been in contact with her ex-husband and felt completely validated that she was mentally ill.  I discovered she was engaged to him for six months, married for eighteen months, and did the EXACT same thing to him.  He was very kind and had a great deal of empathy for me... .   even though we had never met.  It was spooky how both our relationships with her played out identically.  Same time frame, boughts of depression, social paranoia, emotional 'fits' out of nowhere, increasing jealously over inane things, silent treatments for no reason, non-stop push/pull all leading up to "I don't want to do this anymore".  No reasons, no explanations, just done.  No response from the email, however the voicemail telling her I had spoken with her ex did ellicit a response... .   the filing of a police report for harrassment.  She had been exposed, she knew it, and she was angry.  Maybe I overstepped my bounds, but I was hurting severely, needed someone to help me process what was happening.  Nothing came of the police report, as I had done nothing illegal, it was just her way of hurting me one last time.  I'm glad I did it, as it gave me immense validation that it was not me who was crazy (I was starting to think I was, despite what everyone around me was telling me).  Mental illness runs in her family... .   brother, mother, uncles.  There were several instances over the last few months that she openly communicated that she felt she may have a 'mood disorder', but never followed thru with getting help.  I love her, despise her, and feel sorry for her all at the same time.  Two years of being nothing but kind, loving, and incredibly supportive to her, only to be discarded like a piece of garbage.  I wish I had discovered this site long before I did... .   it's been a blessing.

[SarahinMA]

I tried for a good 6 months after he broke up with me.  It was so shocking that I stayed in denial for a long time.  I was certain that he cheated on me.  I did everything people recommended- I gave him space and dated others.  I figured if I gave him space, he would miss me and come to his senses.  We were practically living together at the time.

When I finally came to the realization that he wasn't going to reach out to me, I would send him a nice text or email- just to check in.  He would respond with attacks- blaming me, playing the victim, accusations that I turned people against him and no one liked him, etc. etc.  It was so absurd.  We share a lot of mutual friends.  At first, he avoided me like crazy and then started popping back up again- telling me that he would always love me, then telling me that he wanted to date others.  I just couldn't take it anymore so I dropped all contact.  I still see him out, but I don't make any more efforts to even be friendly, because I know the power he has over me.  He's so good at manipulating my emotions that it's best to stay away.  It's now been 8 months since I've had a conversation with him.   

[Shadowlands]

Wow, I can see exactly where you are coming from Inpieces... .   good on you for contacting the ex that she had painted black before me. I have never had the bottle to do that... .   from her perspective he beat her and spent all her money before she left him way before meeting me. And I fell for that hook line and sinker! I should by myself a white coloured suit of armour.

Yet she had a brand new Mini Cooper for herself borrowed from an extortionately priced car loan company at 40% interest rate and was £50k in debt when I met her! Thank god I didn't bail her out but I did help her clear the debt via bankruptcy.

I would bet my house that he wasn't as bad as she made out and she drove him to violence in the end... .   not that anyone could do that to me.

[In Pieces]

Shadowlands,

After speaking with her ex-husband, I don't believe a single negative word she ever spoke about him.  It was clear after speaking with him that much, if not all of her percieved injustices, dealt upon her by him were total fabrications.  He didn't speak ill of her, but was open and honest about her behaviors.  The supposed credit card debt she was in was due to him, yet he was never aware of any credit card debt and it was never brought up in their divorce proceedings.  She would say he was incredibly controlling and obsessive, yet could not ever provide me with examples.  Her story of past relationships that she told me about were COMPLETELY different to her relationship history she told her ex-husband.  Names were different, time spans, even the stories of how/ where/ when the relationships started and ended.  I think they do realize their behavior is not healthy, if not why would they try to hide so much of their past from us.  I was, and still am, in love with a girl who never existed.  It's very difficult to accept that, but I'm getting there.

[grad]

Not all pwBPD exhibit the same behaviors

Yes, it is a common trait that when a pwBPD separates from you it seems to eventually lead to hurtful behaviors.  I've experienced the ignoring and false promises, but not the blame, shame or anger.  I do believe part of their conscious/subconscious behavior is intended to hurt you in some way because you were close to them and did hurt them in the r/s and it helps them channel the pain they live with on to you and the failed r/s.  It's as if they want you to hurt as much as they do.

After reading a forum for pwBPD,  when they move on they tend to not look back.  This is why they quickly move in to new r/s so they won't have to deal with the loss and remorse.  A quote I read here once describes it perfectly,  "continued contact with them will only serve to explore new levels of pain."   A pwBPD has such a rapture on their s/o that they know they hurt them (mine has apologized for hurting me) when they exit the r/s and instead of empathizing, they do whatever they can to push you away.  When they're done, they see you as past tense.  pwBPD only look forward and the past is only riddled with pain, anyone who has dated one should know this.

Everyone here must realize that the dynamics of a normal r/s are still in play with a pwBPD.  If they lose respect or get bored, they may look elsewhere.  If you didn't validate their feelings or prove your loyalty, they will find emotional attachment elsewhere.  My ex has even said while we were together to "never to beg", because she had a deep-seeded respect for me she never wanted to lose.  It was very tough during our split and in the initial 1.5 weeks she was there to talk things through to me although she wasn't interested in working it out (she had new supply), but then began nearly 2 months of about 4-5 messages which she either ignored or a quick empty promise to call me back which never happened.  Last week she finally replied to the message, "Can you at least tell me you're happier now?"  I think it was a great message because it showed I cared about her happiness more than anything else.  We met briefly at work to catch up and she even apologized for hurting me.

So what do we learn here?  :)esperation will be met with shame, blame and anger.  MAINTAIN YOUR RESPECT even if you try to continue contact.  Your attempts to contact them should be once every few weeks.  Understand you're not part of their life anymore and have no idea what they're going through so timing is everything and it just becomes a guessing game.  :)on't pour your heart out either, just make it a friendly non-committal attempt to reconnect in some way.

[In Pieces]

Grad,

Excellent advice that I wish I had at the time.  I was in an utter state of panic and confusion, with no clue as to why everything fell apart so quickly.  The pain and sense of abandonment made me take myself to places I never thought I would ever go (chasing, begging, complete desparation).  I allowed my confidence and self-esteem to be shattered 'In Pieces'.  It was only after my therapist heard my story months later and referred me to a therapist specializing in treating those suffering from BPD that everything made sense.  It was like a million light bulbs all going off at once... .   our entire relationship was textbook BPD.  It still hurt incredibly, but I started to get some understanding and the closure I needed, by knowing there will never be any.

[Pearl99]

I have to say no, I have not tried desperately to get him back. I ended the relationship after pouring out all my love, patience, and compassion on him only to be told he hated me and wished I would disappear. He shattered my heart in so many pieces that night, I could never go back. I lost all trust in him and felt I no longer knew him. After I told him I was ending the relationship, I never made further contact. I gave my heart to this man and love him, but I know I would be going back to further abuse. I don't see how a friendship could work--even if I could maintain strong boundaries and actually keep it as a friendship and nothing more. The hurt he inflicted is so deep it is beyond repair. The last thing I would want to do is make contact and find he's already dated a bunch of women since we broke up and forgotten about me.

[Shadowlands]

Thanks for all responses... .   as ever they help every time.

It's funny, recovering from a normal relationship break up is like climbing back up a 10ft wall after you have fallen down. Tough to do, but do-able.

Recovering from a BPD relationship after discovering what BPD is feels like having a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle that you thought you had almost finished suddenly smash back into many pieces and the only way you recover is to try to put together what the helll happened piece by piece as you learn more about BPD... .   but when you get to piece 965 you realise that you will never find the other bits!

Every time I visit this site though I get stronger and stronger by a couple of percent and I am please to say I am 90% there... .   and the urge to want to help others on this site makes me a better person in the process 

[nylonsquid]

Once she made up her mind it was done. However, she did once say after she had decided it was over: "I really want to be with you right now". I walked her back to her place and she said she wouldn't invite me in because we'll end up having sex. I did feel like I had a chance to mend things after that but the more I gave her attention the less she was interested and for a sweet gesture of delivering flowers to her office I was met with a text "We should stop talking to each other".

Basically they will push when you're kind. Be desperate? Probably push stronger. Not care and ignore? They'll forget about you, unless you contact them from time to time giving them the attention they need when they're not getting enough attention from their new and idealized partner. And maybe when there is room to wiggle you in and you make a move then they will concede another go at a relationship.

All the options seem doomed to me and I wouldn't want to be part of it even if I can have another go.

[haliewa1]

Those nons that are trying to reunite with the BPD play an interesting role in the whole scheme.  The exBPD now has a new soulmate yet is willing to rekindle the r/s with the ex?  A healthy person exits one relationship completely and presented an opportunity, will look at a new relationship when, and only when, it seems there is a connection and when the individual is healthy again.  Yet, here is the BPD head over heels in love with one while trying to manipulate the ex into supporting he/she.  If that's not messed up I don't know what is?

[jaird]

Hi,

I spent six excrutiating weeks attempting to get my BPDex of two years back.  It was just six weeks of further suffering.  Everything I did was met with blame, projection, coldness, and dismissal.  It was a complete dead end that only allowed her six more weeks to tear my confidence and self-esteem to shreds.  I was extremely co-dependent with her, but she was also with me... .   until one day she simply said, "I don't want to do this anymore".  That was it... .   gone... .   she flipped a switch and became a different person.  Nothing logical happened to cause it.  It brought me to my knees.  Their behavior makes you clingy, they want to see you beg, they want to see you suffer, so they have the oppurtunity to project their shame and justify their actions.  I am 3 1/2 months out and am only now able to concentrate on anything other than breathing in and out.  I had never loved someone so deeply in my life, but I am starting to accept she was nothing more than a ghost.  I have never felt so much pain.

I can totally relate to this, even the timeframe. It is like I wrote it.

Mine told me she had BPD (self diagnosed), bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and asked me if I was in this for the long haul. I said I was. I assured her I was.

So when she broke up with me via text and a phone call just a day or two after spending six days together, and six weeks before I was to move 1000 miles and get an apartment near her, I really could not believe it. Besides the shock at her turnaround, there was the feeling I had that I had to make sure she was serious and this was what she really wanted.

She never appreciated that I hung in there and kept in contact with her for two months. She did not even care that I did that. She cared nothing about our plans for the future, she then claimed she did not have BPD, and she found a new man within two weeks or so.

[grad]

Mine told me she had BPD (self diagnosed), bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and asked me if I was in this for the long haul. I said I was. I assured her I was.

It was at this point she wasn't in denial and felt shame about the failing r/s and was willing to do anything to make it work.  Since the core issue with BPD is abandonment, she wanted to make it work until... .  

She never appreciated that I hung in there and kept in contact with her for two months. She did not even care that I did that. She cared nothing about our plans for the future, she then claimed she did not have BPD, and she found a new man within two weeks or so.

She had found her new supply and the denial set in once again.  You must realize that BPD is a very serious mental disease and it's easier for them to forget the troubles it "has caused" and start over with someone new.  It's only after the pattern repeats itself and damages enough people she truly cares about to truly seek help.  They know they're broken but they blame it on the environment and rarely want to admit they're wrong.

[clairedair]

Recovering from a BPD relationship after discovering what BPD is feels like having a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle that you thought you had almost finished suddenly smash back into many pieces and the only way you recover is to try to put together what the helll happened piece by piece as you learn more about BPD... .   but when you get to piece 965 you realise that you will never find the other bits!

Hi Shadowlands

This reminded me of my attempt to explain my situation to a friend.  I said that I felt that my ex and I had been completing a jigsaw - building it together - and then he'd run off with the last piece.  Then there was always something missing.

I have never asked him to leave. I have never asked him to come back.    He has done both several times. However, I must have been giving off some signals that I wanted him back or was willing to recycle because he always managed to want to reconcile at a time when I was open to that.

[mitti]

Yes, I did. When my ex left me without warning, without letting me know, simply deciding to cut me out of his life splitting me completely black in a matter of 10 minutes, refusing all contact, I desperately tried to communicate with him. For 3 months I tried everything. Then I continued another 2 months to get my stuff back. 7 months after the break I sent him a text, partly because I was still in so much pain and partly because I had to inform him of something. The way he responded I knew things had changed and we met to talk a few weeks after that. I later found out that this coincided with his splitting his new male friend he had triangulated me with, so no surprise I was all of a sudden white again.

We got back together, good at first. I felt better equipped having found out about, and educated myself on, BPD during the time apart. But all the same problems came back and his disordered behaviors. We went for CT which helped to a degree but then it all fell apart. He triangulated me again with new people and old and I decided I couldn't do it anymore. There's no point regretting trying again but the only good thing that came out of that was knowing I tried with the knowledge of his BPD and it changed nothing. But it would have been better had I already known this when he left me and spared myself so much more suffering by getting back together. Getting them back only means more BPD craziness and more suffering. There really is no way for us to win over this disorder, and I am wondering if there is for them either.

[jaird]

Mine told me she had BPD (self diagnosed), bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and asked me if I was in this for the long haul. I said I was. I assured her I was.

It was at this point she wasn't in denial and felt shame about the failing r/s and was willing to do anything to make it work.  Since the core issue with BPD is abandonment, she wanted to make it work until... .  

Yes, but we were good when she heard from a friend that she might have BPD, and then took the assessment test online.

I think the core of BPD, at least in the case of my ex is emotional attachment. I found a blog from a woman who suffers from BPD, and I wish I could find it again. It was about how she felt suffocated, and like she had lost control of her life when someone got too close to her. That's when she had to break off a relationship.

So, the "soulmates" thing, the once in a lifetime love, the closeness and attachment that many (most?) people crave in a relationship actually seemed to make my ex run.

She never appreciated that I hung in there and kept in contact with her for two months. She did not even care that I did that. She cared nothing about our plans for the future, she then claimed she did not have BPD, and she found a new man within two weeks or so.

She had found her new supply and the denial set in once again.  You must realize that BPD is a very serious mental disease and it's easier for them to forget the troubles it "has caused" and start over with someone new.  It's only after the pattern repeats itself and damages enough people she truly cares about to truly seek help.  They know they're broken but they blame it on the environment and rarely want to admit they're wrong.

[jaird]

Not sure why that post with the quotes came out all jumbled. Here is what I wanted to say:

Yes, but we were good when she heard from a friend that she might have BPD, and then took the assessment test online.

I think the core of BPD, at least in the case of my ex is emotional attachment. I found a blog from a woman who suffers from BPD, and I wish I could find it again. It was about how she felt suffocated, and like she had lost control of her life when someone got too close to her. That's when she had to break off a relationship.

So, the "soulmates" thing, the once in a lifetime love, the closeness and attachment that many (most?) people crave in a relationship actually seemed to make my ex run.

[paperlung]

I still love my ex, but would never go out of my way to try and win her back. The prize isn't worth the effort, plus she's already on the rebound in a LDR.

[mtmc01]

I tried, and quite desperately at that. We got into a huge fight about religion that I found out later was premeditated by her, and she went to her moms for the weekend to "think it over". I later found out she had already made her decision before all of this. I found out in a short email the next morning that our differences were apparently irreconcilable and it didn't matter that I acknowledged my wrongdoings and was willing to work on my problems and change. I then tried texting her a flurry of texts to reconsider, that I'd change, that this was crazy, that we loved each other, that she should give me the chance I gave her with her drinking. I said I couldn't live without her and that I'd do anything to keep her back. I said I'd try and open up to Christianity. I bought a bible, started reading it, watched documentaries on a case for a creator and Jesus and reported to her. She said she was reconsidering, that she wanted to believe me that I'd be open to belief and would change and could make her happy, that she was afraid to see me because she'd do something impulsive. Then a few days later when my sister tried talking to her, she said we didn't know god like she does and she only said she was reconsidering to get me to leave her alone.

I then texted her a few semi angry texts about how after everything she put me through I deserved a chance and that she was seeing things through a distorted view. I told her I was having constant panic attacks, couldn't eat, was having very dark thoughts. She just said sorry can't help you, find god. I mostly have up, but about another week later apologized for the things I did wrong and said I hope she'd find happiness in a letter and sent her flowers. I read something on her Facebook about fear being the opposite of love, and I freaked out and texted her all of the fear she put me through and that I stayed through it all only because of how much I loved her. She said leave her alone, I had dashed her to pieces, and there's no hope left. She said only god and Jesus could help me. I was able to hold off contacting her for another three weeks, but when I recently realized a lot of my behavior constituted emotional abuse, I apologized in a long text and told her the measures I was taking to improve myself and recommended a book on emotional abuse that give help to both the abided and the abuser. I again wished her the best. She ignored it.

I think I'm finally done trying to contact her. She's apparently seeing a new guy already based on what I can deduce from Instagram and Fb, though I've sworn off checking as of last week. I last saw her 6 weeks ago during that last fight.

[Cumulus]

Hi, I think most people who answer yes to this question will have been in shorter relationships where they still have hope that their partner can and will change. Maybe you will be like I was, unaware of the diagnosis but knowing something is wrong with their capacity to love and show care and concern but feeling like you will be able to help them, that you have enough love to get you both through. And maybe you'll see that sometimes it seems like its going to work, and they are trying really hard and it feels safe to make new plans together, but then something happens, there's another unresolved argument, another situation that doesn't make sense and they need more of your love so you can move on together again. And pretty soon the years slip by, and always just when things seem peaceful and calm something else comes up and you wonder where did this come from, if I can only get him to understand how wrong this is surely I will have by now covered every aspect of living and we will finally be able to live the quiet, loving life that I know is within our reach. But it never happens. You will never fix him, it is not your job. You are not qualified to do it. And every time you fix something you give up a part of yourself and you lose the energy you once had for life. And many many years down the road when you finally realize this and give up you are too tired, you are only a shell of yourself and you don't have the energy anymore to even consider trying a little bit to get your xBPDh back, you know it would destroy you. Please, think seriously before initiating contact again. Educate yourself, know what chance he has for change if you stay with him. When you are young you don't think you will ever be old but the years slide by faster then you can ever imagine. Love yourself, find a partner that will share the challenges of life with you, not increase the agony by creating ever harder challenges, find a partner who will be a good parent to your future children, find a partner to grow old with, sharing each others memories and a lifetime of mutual love.

[jaird]

Thanks Cumulus,

I really feel for those who were married for years/decades to an affected person, and then it ended. I know I am lucky that I did not reach that point.

And yes, you never know what the next issue will be, but there is always a next issue, and it is usually sooner rather than later.

[nylonsquid]

Well said, Cumulus. 

[grad]

BPD seem to thrive on uncertainty and chaos.  They fear getting too attached themselves.  This is why the minute things seem to be going perfect and they're telling you they've never felt this way before, that they've never been this happy, and they feel like a little kid again... .   catastrophe seems to come from no where and challenge your ability to maintain the r/s (and more importantly, prove your love to them).

Wow, just writing that out gave me an epiphany.  Their core abandonment fear is in play so the minute they feel the engulfment of losing themselves to happiness, their self-defense mechanism, splitting, the one that says "don't get too attached, this person will leave you", kicks in and now you're navigating a very complex minefield to prove your love while they are trying to push you away.   In a sense they're going to make you get attached more then they are.  This is how the BPD maintains control and why us NONs are left wondering What the heck when they leave.  They make you lose yourself in them trying to prove you truly do love them.