For me

[laelle]

Hello Arabella, its good to see you.    Thanks for the dance... .   I will put the dance emoticon on my list to bug one of the Advisors about because we need one.

I have good moments and bad ones, but the good ones are starting to outweigh the bad.  I've known I needed to let go of this relationship not just because of the illness, but because of alot of other factors that unless perfectly executed would just not work.  The illness makes perfect execution impossible.  Im not dreaming anymore about it.

How are you today?

[arabella]

I will put the dance emoticon on my list to bug one of the Advisors about because we need one.

Today is going okay... .   so far! I've been focusing on short-term thinking instead of getting too far ahead. If I think too far into the future I get overwhelmed and panic.  I have a mid-range plan in case everything goes bottoms-up and for now I'm trying to focus on getting through individual days. I'm hesitant to say anything, for fear of jinxing myself, but I think maybe things are getting a little tiny bit better? Here's hoping! (We may also need a good luck or crossed-fingers emoticon, yes?)

[laelle]

If I think too far into the future I get overwhelmed and panic.

I do this too.  Its what my xanax is for.  I work myself up into a nervous frenzy.  I think its very wise taking small steps into the future with a plan of where you would like to go but are flexible about it.  I think its kinda nice not to have to know all the answers, dont you? 

Lets be hopefully optimistic together, and on the bad days we can put lots of dollars in the cursing jar. 

[maria1]

I shout 'f*** off' very loudly now and again. It's amazingly therapeutic

[laelle]

I shout 'f*** off' very loudly now and again. It's amazingly therapeutic

LOL 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I shout 'f*** off' very loudly now and again. It's amazingly therapeutic

Indeed!  Also, Maria, thanks for the beautiful song.

Laelle,  When I said my ex was cold and mean, it came across in her silent treatments and when she would break up with me abruptly with little to no discussion.  She was not verbally abusive in the classic sense.  I suppose she was abusive in the BPD sense! 

I don't think she felt capable of discussing matters on a deeper emotional level.  She seemed to operate very much by initial reaction or strictly on a feelings level.  But she would very rarely discuss her feelings.  She just reacted.  I did love her, and I think she love me as much as she was capable.  Yes, I am still grieving.

[laelle]

You know Phoenix, I could have handled the emails where he totally assassinated my character because I know the things he says are only half truths, and I stopped reading them, what really got to me was the silent treatment and the way he punished me with them when I did not behave as he saw appropriate.  I'm tired of being punished.  I dont deserve it.

Here I am thinking everything is fine and I make one wrong move and I get an ear full of how unhappy he is and how im making his life miserable.  I am to blame for all his problems.  Then I get ignored if I dont answer him correctly... .    Ignored if I stand up for myself... .    Ignored if I express my wants or needs... .   He ends or threatens to end the relationship as a punishment... .   Its just all rubbish and im done with it. F*** him.  I'm better off alone.  If he cant be bothered to deal with me, then I cant be bothered to deal with him.  Let him taste my crumbs for once.

I understand your grieving Phoenix, and I promise you... .   Things will get better.  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Yeah, she can go jump in a lake!   

[laelle]

LOL, yeah I'm sorry my empathy wasnt too convincing after I just told my ex in a post to f*** off.

I do know how you feel.  I've been there.  I love my ex just as you do yours and I understand how they probably did the best they knew how.

I refuse to be called a child while im being given the silent treatment and bullied around.  I wont be punished anymore for not being what someone else wants me to be.

I am fine as I am and you are fine as you are... .   unless your crazy, then your not. 

[laelle]

I'm going to bed, I want this day to end.  Have a good nite all.

[laelle]

Something I have to think about.

Met with my psychologist today and left really feeling defensive.

We talked about my past relationships before my ex.  Yeah, i did know that I had a pattern of walking into one relationship before another was resolved, and we discussed why.  It wasnt a case of devaluing or cheating, it was that I had such low self esteem that I entered into the relationships for the wrong reasons and then stayed in them instead of ending them when I saw my needs werent going to be met in it.  I didnt think very much of my own emotional needs back then.  I paired up with men who were emotionally unavailable but were generous.  It fit because my mom was always giving me things, but I dont really think I was ever hugged.  It was a comfortable set up for me... .   until I needed more and it wasnt there.

I asked her afterwards if she was sure it wasnt me who was BPD.  She said she was positive, but it frightened me none the less.  This is what left me defensive.

One strange thing to mention.  I never did that to him.  When he came along I changed, or maybe he came along at a moment when I was changing how I saw my relationships.  I was no longer overweight, and I felt beautiful for the first time in my life.  I wasnt desperate to find someone who would love me.

Now that he is gone, I have no want to move into another relationship.  I dont need or want anyone else.  I dont feel that frantic need to find whats missing.

Im all here, nothing is missing.  I changed, I just dont know what it is.

Any thoughts?

[maria1]

It makes sense. Why do you feel defensive?

You have grown and you are now somewhere where you can make it alone without a relationship to bolster your self esteem.

Its very straight forward and great that you got out of BPD relationship?

What is it you are wondering about?

[laelle]

Because with the other relationships, I would trade the old guy for a new one because I didnt want to be alone.  In this relationship I only wanted him, never wanted anyone else.  Even when I saw the relationship falling apart, I still loved him and wanted to make it work and was willing to stick with it.  I never lost interest.  Why was I so willing to go so far in this relationship as compared to the others?  I dont want anyone else, and would rather be alone right now.

I was defensive because I know BPD's move from one person from another, and I remember that fear of needing other people to boost my self esteem before meeting my ex.

[maria1]

I think i get you.

Isn't it more that this relationship grew more codependent than the others? It's sort of a different issue. You needed the other relationships because of your low self esteem, not BPD. You may have inherent CD traits too all wrapped up in self esteem.

I think BPD r/s become more and more CD than others because of the push/ pull craziness, they feed any CD traits in us because we have that core wound from childhood. It's that lonely child/ abandoned child stuff that 2010 talks about?

I remember clearly thinking I was stuck at my exBPD's one night after he was horrible to me. Every time before that I had left but this time felt different. I desperately wanted to be at home in my bed but felt unable to leave.

I worry at times about being BPD but I'm not. You're not Laelle. You wouldn't be on here doing the work if you were. You wouldn't have employed all the staying tools, not only employed them but practically earned a masters in them.

Needing to be in a relationship doesn't make you BPD at all.

[laelle]

Thank you Maria, I really needed to hear that.  I was so strong this morning after I woke up, and then after the psych I felt rotten.  I guess learning about yourself hurts a bit, but better to hurt and stop than to spend your whole life like that.

I had some serious CD issues when I met him, so at least I have him to thank for calling attention to them with his "special" touch.  Now I have worked it out where I can make it on my own.  I have a little help from my ex, but most of the power of me, stays with me.  Its the first time I have ever had that and its exciting.

I learned today that I repeated a cycle of relationships.  As you know my mom spoiled me with things, but showed little love.  My dad had a nervous breakdown when I was 10 and all the attention went to him and his passing out and stuff.

The two main, long lasting relationships in my life were with people who spoiled me with things, but were not available emotionally.  I had one relationship where the guy was available but too available and scared the crap out of me.  The men I really feel connected with, ~ on me. 

My ex seemed emotionally available, and was getting out of a relationship where she abused him.  I was over the moon, and really willing to give it my all.  Just picked the wrong guy I guess.  I will do better when im ready next time.

[maria1]

The men I really feel connected with,  on me. 

My ex seemed emotionally available, and was getting out of a relationship where she abused him.  I was over the moon, and really willing to give it my all.  Just picked the wrong guy I guess.  I will do better when im ready next time.

Exactly my history with BPDex too.

I'm so pleased about where you are arriving. Do you think you can keep yourself single awhile so that you can give yourself time to really find out who you are?

[laelle]

This is the first time that I dont need a man to complete some need.  When im ready, I would like to meet someone who is available and just for me.  One who thinks im funny and doesnt find flaw in most everything I do.  I wont say I wont have a cup of coffee with someone (not now but in the future), but I dont want a relationship. Im not right in the head yet, and dont want to waste my time or heart strings.

[maria1]

Sounds good- all sounds good to me

[Phoenix.Rising]

Laelle, I relate to what you said about your mom giving you things materially, but not emotionally.  My mom's family owned a successful business, so they were not lacking in the material sense.  They were not rich, but rather well-to-do, I guess you could say.  A lot of the way she showed me she cared was by giving me things.  But, like you, hugs or any type of touch was very rare from her.  She was distant in that sense. 

It's interesting now that physical touch scores high on my 'love languages'.  I took a test over the 5 love languages.  My mom was also unavailable emotionally.  She still is for the most part.  I've been drawn towards emotionally unavailable women.  I've been thinking about the emotional availability I receive from women on this site, and how nice that is.  I hope I can transfer that into a real relationship. 

I wanted to save my mom from her pain after my dad left.  I thought she was going crazy at times, and maybe she was.  I always felt I had to be the strong one emotionally for her.  I still feel that way.  The roles reversed early on.  So my emotional needs have always taken a back seat with her, and other family members as well.  I'm learning to state my needs, though.  I think you are, too.   

[laelle]

I love how we all take care of each other.  I am anxious to check the website in the morning to see what really cool stuff is waiting to be taken in and digested with my coffee.   

[laelle]

Yay!  Its now official.  I am going to get to go home next month for 3 weeks.  Just got my passport back in the mail.  I am soo excited. 

[maria1]

I want to get the flags out but they are all red and that's no good!  

[Phoenix.Rising]

       

[laelle]

Thanks guys.  I love Europe but I miss my home.

[laelle]

I dont miss being told I cant have coffee or tea because its too late.  I think I will have a cup of coffee.

[maria1]

Go for it- enjoy 

[laelle]

absolutely 

[Grey Kitty]

laelle, you are sounding fantastic today.    Dunno what will come and go next, but enjoy it while you've got it!

I was defensive because I know BPD's move from one person from another, and I remember that fear of needing other people to boost my self esteem before meeting my ex.

I think somebody already said it... .   but let me be clear: There are lots of ways a person can be a little messed up or a lot messed up, and BPD is just one! Your former need to be in a r/s to feel complete probably wasn't very healthy. So the fact that you are over it is wonderful news! But it doesn't hint that you had BPD!

[laelle]

Thank you Grey Kitty.

I know I had a part to play in this and that basically he played the role I needed him to play so that I would play the role for him that he needed me to play.  When I stopped playing my part he stopped playing his.   ehhh /shrugs

I still have that fear that as he told me "I will look back months from now and see that it was all my fault."  That I am the one who is sick.

I am feeling good, thank you  The pain in my heart has loosened up some and im planning my trip to the USA at the beginning of May.  I'm trying not to look back because while I do miss him, and sometimes I cry about it, if he came back tomorrow and promised me the moon, I couldnt say yes because I know I cant live like that.

Kinda sad and kinda glad at the same time.

thanks for checking up on me.  Have a good nite.

[Phoenix.Rising]

... . if he came back tomorrow and promised me the moon, I couldnt say yes because I know I cant live like that.

That is true growth, Laelle.  I'm happy for you.  I'm also glad for you about your trip to the USA.