this is so hard

[joe_schmoe]

My wife has been raging for 3 days now. I can't stand it. Its affecting everything. I have a very hard time at work because of her. Last night I needed to do some work and it never got done because of her outbursts. I'm sitting here at my desk and I can't do anyting. I have no motivation, no interest, everything just seems so futile. She has been like this for years with no attempt to improve. I just want to leave and go be by myself for the rest of the day. I'm an emotional wreck because of all this. I am trying to protect the kids and myself and do/keep my job and keep the peace in the house and I just can't do it all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

 

Hi Joe,

You are in a good place here.  Many of us came here feeling just like you. And, yes, this is hard work.

There is some good news though.  There is a path to healthier and better place and it starts by reading the Lessons on the right hand side of this page.  We focus mostly on taking care of ourselves here and learning better ways to interact with our spouses, partners and friends who have BPD.  We learn valuable communication skills, the power of validation, and the necessity of self-care and boundaries. 

If you stick with the program, hang around here for a while, and practice some of these things, you will find yourself in a much better frame of mind.  It's not easy work we do here, but its worth it to get your life back.

So, welcome aboard!

[Auspicious]

Are there any small things you can do?

Take the kids somewhere fun without her?  Go work for a few hours from a coffee shop?

Take the kids with you and stay for a few days at Grandma's?

In addition to the direct relief - however small - actions like those feel encouraging and empowering for you.

[joe_schmoe]

Thanks for the comments. I've been reading a lot this morning (while I should be working) but I need something to pick me up. A few people have suggested that I get a Therapist for myself to help me cope and while I agree, those sessions are scheduled and formatted and when I need help, I need it quickly. I can't wait til my next appointment to talk to a therapist about what is going on now. I generally need immediate relief from the current situation. Which is how I ened up here.

I am still very hurt and angry at the whole situation. Nothing ever gets better. I know I just need to get a different perspective and pick myself up. I do beat myself up a lot for failing to to handle all the outbursts correctly.

I have another question which I guess I'll post in another thread, but it is all realted because now I have to do things that I wouldn't ordinarily do just to keep the peace in my house.

Thanks for the support.

[Auspicious]

So ... .   are you going to try to find some small things that you can do to improve things? Or give you temporary respite?

[joe_schmoe]

Yes, I do that as much as I can already. It's been a hard few days but I'm going to try anyway.

BTW, she hates my mother. Going to Grandma's only fuels the fire, but I know what you mean. I take them to the playground a lot to play. I'll be doing that more often (tonight included).

Thanks.

[byasliver]

Please do get a therapist for yourself if you can. I just started with my therapist today and it is so helpful! He really helped me to see things in a more positive light than I had been. He was able to help me see ways that my husband appears to be trying and ways to be encouraging to him. I really was quite shocked because that's not what I expected. I thought the time would be spent trying to get me to recognize what a jerk my H is and why I would foolishly stay with him, Instead, T was very helpful in explaining my H's illness in sensitive ways that help me be more patient, he explained ways to deal with the difficult times and how to gently encourage my husband when I see him trying.

Hang in there!

[Auspicious]

BTW, she hates my mother.

Tough.

Shift your perspective to doing what makes sense, not just trying to cater to her emotional instability. Which doesn't really work anyway, as you have seen.

[joe_schmoe]

Thanks Auspicious, I couldn't agree more. I'll keep trying.

byasilver, I think I will get a T, just to see how it goes. So now the hard part, how do I find a good one that knows about BPD and how to deal with it.

[byasliver]

Honestly, after getting a lot of suspicion about whether or not my H has BPD, I just quit saying that to his therapist and mine. They are treating it as if he has PTSD and severe detachment and they are treating the symptoms. So, call they can call it whatever they want - as long as they are recognizing and treating the symptoms, it works for me. Just make sure you make it clear that your wife is very detached and showing a lot of anger.

And I second what auspicious said: don't buy into her irrational thoughts. One thing my T pointed out today is that that behavior only confuses you and actually feeds into their insecurities. Your pwBPD needs you to remain strong and rational even if their actions don't seem to show it. And it takes a long time to start seeing significant positive changes so just prepare yourself for the long haul but also know that one way or another, it WILL get better eventually: she will heal or you will be strong enough to leave and create a healthier life for yourself.

[Chosen]

Hi joe_schmoe,

Yes it is incredibly hard dealing with rages.  I have dealt with those 3-day rages before, and it just drains all the life out of you.  While the best (and probably only) thing to do now is to wait for the storm to pass while not making it worse, I think we really need a healthy mindset to deal with everything.

I agree with what everyone said about not feeding into the things she tells you when she dysregulates in any way.  I used to be deep in the FOG and for a long time blamed myself and believed in everything my H said.  It only eats away your soul and your self-confidence.  It is hard, but try to logically "teach" yourself everything from the lessons, and practise it day to day.  Sometimes you will be better at things like validation, sometimes it's harder, but the importance is to save up enough information and positive energy so when she dysregulates you will know how to react right away.  At first you may still be unable to do it at that time, but with practise you will get better. 

Take care of yourself.  Do things that make you feel good.  Know people "outside" who will tell you more positive things about you.  And keep coming here.  It helps a lot knowing that so many other people suffer the same things as you do.