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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Contact after two years. Ignore?  (Read 515 times)
One2TheOther
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« on: April 14, 2013, 04:02:47 AM »

Hi guys

I received an email from my uBPDexgf recently. Aside from a few drunken text messages, which I ignored, this is the first contact in two years. I'm really struggling. I keep thinking that replying will take the pain away.

All she's asking is how I am which is harmless enough but after what she did to me, I would be a fool to reply. She wrote the email as if she has forgotten how she ended the relationship (a week after Valentines Day out of the blue) as if everything is hunky dory between us. What's wrong with her memory? Where does she get the nerve to pretend everything's okay? I couldn't fathom ever doing that to someone.

I guess this is a re-engagement attempt but for what purpose? Why is she interested in how I am after ripping me to pieces two years ago?

You guys have given such great advice to me in the past, I guess I need reassurance that this is just a re-engagement attempt, she doesn't actually care how I am etc. and there is no sense in replying.

However are there any advantages in replying?
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2013, 04:27:02 AM »

Would you take a plaster of after you unfortunately and stupidly cut yourself?

No you wouldnt. Because it might(!) bleed again. And you know you could be in pain again and now you know how you got cut. So preventive measures are most important.

You have learned a lesson, stay with it.

Why open the plaster?

You see the cut, it reminds you of how you did it ... . how stupid it was. Just put a piece of clothing over it again and one day, you might look at this plaster again and won't find it anymore andthe cut has healed.

You have moved on... .
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laelle
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« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2013, 04:27:29 AM »

First, she has no concept of how she left things for two reasons.  One, in their mind they could not have done something that was "So" bad because that would make them BAD and cease to exist(shame... . she is a mistake). Secondly she lives in the moment, and what she needs for the moment.  Who knows what she intends, a pick me up or to attempt to "try" again.  Rest assured, she isn't doing it for you.

Does she really care about you to have ended the relationship how she did?  You are the rational one here, and you know what happened.

Write out all the things love and care is suppose to be and if she possessed those qualities.

I understand you loved her and she is pushing some buttons. Its difficult to push those away that we love when our very nature wants to draw them close.

If she is BPD and you have no plans to re engage, long gone is the best way to be.  If not your sticking your hand in a hornets nest.

If you like getting stung, be my guest.  The choice is always yours to make.
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One2TheOther
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« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2013, 04:39:25 AM »

Thanks, guys. As always you're all extremely helpful and understanding.
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RedCandle
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« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2013, 08:08:27 AM »

I have not heard from my ex for quite a while... .   but my thinking right now is that if I ever DO... .   I will choose to respond only if I can sense some sort of CHANGE.

I know that this CANNOT work out unless their is change in BOTH of us. I know the work I've been doing... .   I have no idea if he's even still alive... .  

With that said, it sounds like she's tossing out some breadcrumbs hoping to hear from you... .   but after two years, you were looking for something a bit more sincere... .   and genuine... .  

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Dave44
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« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2013, 12:14:42 PM »

This is a very, very interesting post -- thank you for taking the time to post it. As most if the people here know I have longed complained about the fact that the majority seems to have constant recycle or communication attempts by their ex's where as mine simply ended it in a brutal abrupt way one month before Christmas kicking me out of her place where I was living only to never hear a single word from here again. It's been absolutely mind boggiling to say the least. How she was able to cut me out of her life in every way shape and form with absolutely NO care in the world is behond me.

Why I'm so interested in this post is it sounds like your situation may have been similar in nature, was it? I'm also surprised that after 2 years of no contact she randomly reached out to you in such a casual manor. I'm wondering if this may be a possibility in my case at some point?
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elessar
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« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2013, 12:36:32 PM »

Laelle gave a good reply of what you should do.

Mine reached out to me casually 4.5 years after she left me. In that time she went on radio silence for 4 years. It was just a casual Hi to see how I am doing. that was 30.5 months back. These 30.5 months have been worse than torture. That casual "hi" to see how I am has destroyed so much of my life. She might have thought she is contacting me because she wanted to see how I am, but deep inside she did because of her own needs. She still does now. Only contacts if she has something to say. Has pretty much stopped replying to my attempts in the last 2.5 months.

If she is BPD, she has a motive and she wants something from you. Sad thing is, she might not even realize it, but it is in her subconscious.
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sunrising
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« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2013, 12:45:52 PM »

Contact is a possibility in everyone's case.  My T encouraged me to prepare for contact from my ex even when I was sure I wouldn't receive any.  And she was right... .     I have handled it well at times, by not responding, and I have handled it poorly at times, by responding.  I regret the times I responded.  Let me share why and maybe it will help others make a better decision:

After all we've been through, the only appropriate contact from her- respectful and empathetic contact- would be real, adult communication.  There would be acknowledgement on her part of  how she hurt me.  Messages like "How are you?" or "I miss you", in my eyes, are just more immature bread crumbs.  Like elessar, I'm not saying this type of manipulation is necessarily intentional, but if I'm wondering if my ex has changed and get a simple "How are you?", etc message, that pretty much gives me my answer.  No... .  
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elessar
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« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2013, 12:51:47 PM »

To add to what sunrising says, I have now learned to detect if she has changed or not. when she came back in late 2010 or whenever she comes back few weeks later, she always says "i have grown a lot, learned a lot, become a whole lot mature". this has happened maybe 3-4 times in last 2.5 years. and each time she has been even worse than before.

so now i know that if she says "i have grown up and become more mature", she is just trying to convince herself. i am not sure a healthy person would say that, would they?
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One2TheOther
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« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2013, 01:04:36 PM »

Wow, guys. It really burns deep doesn't it?

Dave44, I guess I was hoping for some clarity on her part rather than a simple check-in. In total I've received three engagement attempts in two years, none of which were asking for me back or acknowledging the pain she might've caused. I'd rather be in your situation and not of received any at all. At least I would known for sure she was done with me. Did you suspect your ex to have BPD while you were still with her?

Elessar, I completely understand. Those out-of-the blue emails or texts are the worst. I've changed my number but have always kept the same email address. That was stupid of me. Do you find yourself feeling the same old emotions all over again after receiving these messages from your ex? They send me into a tailspin. It makes me feel that the relationship, while huge for me, meant nothing to her if she can so casually make contact whenever she wants. I'm terrified of contacting her myself. Where would I start? Words can't do any justice here. Can I ask why you were trying to contact her yourself? That must've been agonising.
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elessar
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« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2013, 01:09:52 PM »

Till late January of this year we were "on/off" but never out of touch for more than a couple of weeks. Then she got pissed one night and went out of contact for 6 weeks (during which time she dated, "it got serious, and nearly got married". I was trying to contact her because I couldn't understand what the heck was going on. And yes, I am writing so much in these boards for the past couple of days because her 1.5 hour phone call late friday night has completely screwed up with my head. it reminded how crazy i felt when i was with her. when not in contact, i did miss her a lot. but after contact (unless she is in an idealization mood), i remembered talking to her would just drive me insane because nothing made sense. most of the talk was about her pain. but the fact that she couldn't see that she is bringing the pain unto herself, and her self-contradictions, and defending her abusive parents, just drove me nuts.
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One2TheOther
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« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2013, 01:15:35 PM »

sunrising, Many thanks for your input. What you've said is very helpful. I guess those random attempts at re-engagement at least helps us keep the belief we are dealing with ill people. I've had other ex-girlfriends and they've never contacted me again. It's just not healthy. Can I ask whether or not you've received a re-engagement attempt where your ex spoke with clarity about herself or the situation? I once received an email from her prior to our relationship that told me she was finally getting the help she needed. She was also prescribed anti-depressants and was given a date with a counsellor. I believe she cancelled it. Our relationship ended prior to the first session.
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One2TheOther
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« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2013, 01:20:54 PM »

elessar, Wow! That's pretty extreme. I've never had experience with a on/off kind of relationship. I'm guessing it was your ex who was dictating when it was "on" or "off"?
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elessar
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« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2013, 01:22:47 PM »

Yes. Absolutely. I had no say. I should have. Made me look like one with no self-respect.
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sunrising
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« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2013, 01:30:21 PM »

My ex has had some moments of self-reflection and, as far as I know, is in treatment.  But I believe I have been overly-impressed by these brief instances of clarity from her because I have set the bar for her so low.  I don't expect from her what I'd expect from an emotionally healthy and mature person, so anything close to maturity, however fleeting it ultimately ends up being, has been mistakenly viewed by me as "change".   Anyone can say, "I've grown and matured".  Those are words, and not hard ones for even a pwBPD traits to recognize as sounding admirable.

Now I'll point the scrutiny at myself.   I've recognized I have codependent tendencies.  No doubt about it... .     Have I fixed them in 2 months?  Hell no... .     I wouldn't claim that to anyone. All the more reason I don't need anyone in my life who needs me rather than loving and respecting me.

From what I've read, it takes a tremendous personal commitment and years (not weeks or months) for a pwBPD to really change their way of life.   I suspect that someone who'd undergone this true change wouldn't send a "How are you?" message.   I believe they'd have more than that to say.  Like a mature, responsible adult would... .  
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One2TheOther
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« Reply #15 on: April 14, 2013, 02:33:50 PM »

Makes sense, sunrising.

I guess I ultimately have nothing to loose in replying but it's a coin toss. Then again I'll probably be checking for a response every few minutes. It's sick but that's what I'll do. My brain says I shouldn't reply and THAT is what I should listen to.

Thanks again, guys.
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elessar
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« Reply #16 on: April 14, 2013, 02:41:40 PM »

sunrising, you said it beautifully. i remember as a teenager how i would fight with my mom saying i am now grown and mature. now in my late 20s i feel no desire to tell that to anyone. my actions should show what i am. and i believe this shows the child-like traits of a pwBPD.

as far as them getting healthy, i have accepted that it doesn't happen without years of treatment. at least 2-6 yrs of DBT. and i hope everyone else realizes that too. it takes a whole lot of personal commitment and hard work to learn how to control emotions.

one2theother, when i was in your shoes i did not know about BPD. i thought the love of my life is back forever. therefore i dived in with everything i have. but now that you know a lot, hopefully all this info will help you when you reply to her... .  
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sunrising
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« Reply #17 on: April 14, 2013, 02:48:58 PM »

My brain says I shouldn't reply and THAT is what I should listen to.

There are a lot of us here with a lot of potentially helpful insight and advice, but none of us can hold a candle to your brain; which has been made by you, for you, and

based on YOUR experiences.   If it's telling you not to reply, I'd discourage trying to talk yourself out of it.  Notice above I made reference to times I made decisions to reply and wound up regretting them.  Every time I did that, I was doing the opposite of what my wise mind was telling me to do... .  
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Clearmind
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« Reply #18 on: April 14, 2013, 05:45:18 PM »

You posted your thread here because this contact does not feel comfortable for you - think about you not her needs. If you respond what do hope to gain?
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OmittedGuardian

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« Reply #19 on: April 14, 2013, 06:35:35 PM »

I am currently going through a divorce that I don't want. It may sound confusing but I'm going through with it against every fiber of my being because I love her. How do you feel about yours? Do you love them so much that you want the best for them? Then stay away until they truly truly change. You cannot change their cycle if you participate in it. My ex knows I will wait decades for her no matter how much it may hurt me inside to not be with her. If you take them back before they are ready then your actions are selfish and destructive. Let them know what it does to you for you to go through THEIR cycles. If they are healed or truly want to get better then support it but STAY AWAY, for their sake. When you see thw strength of them standing on their own feet, sober, without being attached to every crotch that comes their way then you will know.

Until then keep living your life. They will see you and everything you have to offer and know what they must do in order to be worthy to return. Once you build your self value you will start to realize and think "Am I willing to allow them to comeback and destroy everything I have built if they aren't ready yet?" Because that is what will happen and deep down you know it. You've already been tempered by this cycle before. Will you help them break the cycle or condemn them to it. There in is your responsibility and your fault. Their condition has nothing to do with you but your life together does.

What is your choice?
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TheDude
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« Reply #20 on: April 14, 2013, 08:00:46 PM »

After all we've been through, the only appropriate contact from her- respectful and empathetic contact- would be real, adult communication.

I can fully agree with this sentiment, but I've experienced that even the most respectful and sincere - even mature reappearances are even more dangerous. It was music to my ears, after something like 9 months of total silence, to hear her say that she had done therapy... .   motivated by the pain she felt from having hurt me repeatedly (this was at the beginning of round four). I had promised myself that I wouldn't even consider seeing her without a very specific list of things that would have needed to happen. And she presented them up on a silver platter. And I was in again. Hook Line. Sinker. Sadly, not only had her dysfunction not been properly addressed, it had gotten much worse.

Anyway, I think that the 'breadcrumb' type messages are easily enough ignored, though there's always the very real possibility that this may actually induce an escalation. Beyond that, it's really an individual decision whether or not to engage with any ex (disorder or not). It can be a paradox, though. I DREAD her reappearance (which I believe is a given), but cannot say I'm 100% strong enough to not somehow get sucked back into the vortex... .  
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elessar
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« Reply #21 on: April 14, 2013, 08:09:21 PM »

wow Dude, you pretty much hit it on the nail for me. I dread when she is contacting me because I fear her exploding. yet I look forward to hearing from her because there is a 50% chance it will be amazing too. Aah the addiction of the idealization phase.

When she came back into my life in late 2010 after 4.5 years, i promised myself i will not take her back if she hasn't changed. i swore to myself. i told her if you want to come, you can't leave again. and she said the greatest things to convince me. we all know how it ends. and i always wondered, even in the all the subsequent break ups since then, every time she comes back, i feel she got worse. now i feel like she is really unraveling. isn't it weird... .   and our similar coincidence. maybe its just another typical BPD thing?
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TheDude
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« Reply #22 on: April 14, 2013, 08:20:50 PM »

Yeah, elessar, it's the most frustrating paradox. The Moby Dick to my Captain Ahab. My Albatross... .  
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One2TheOther
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« Reply #23 on: April 15, 2013, 02:17:11 AM »

It's such a conundrum. I believe it'll takes years of therapy for her to get better. Who can wait that long for someone? Is it really worth it. Don't take me wrong, no girl can ever hold a candle to her but prior to the relationship and idealisation phase, I wasn't that bothered. It certainly wasn't love at first sight. Although, she claimed it was. Sick, huh?

I'm not going to reply. I haven't responded to her previous attempts and don't plan on starting now. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life rather than going through all that pain again.
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Surrender
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« Reply #24 on: April 15, 2013, 02:45:32 AM »

For me I'm terrified to re-ignite contact. I know all the progress I have made for myself and my own life will be undone instantly. Suddenly it will be about how much I love him and I'll find myself making all manner of crazy justifications just to hang on a little longer. I see nothing but hurt, pain and even greater solitude at the end of that road, at least for myself. It wouldn't take me long before I wanted him more and more and more because I'll have retained the good particles of the relationship. Inside the mystery of how this all works all the bad will simply be pushed deep down in that file box behind that door that I try to pretend that doesn't exist.

And then in the end... .   he will have stripped my flesh alive all over again hurting me anew but I'll have loved him even more so in the mean time just because I have seen him in so long. So I have to see things like this play out in my own head because I know I will once again fall utterly madly in love and tell myself what ever crap I do to hide the truth and then I will be left crying in the rain with my heart melting in all the water collecting around my feet and disappearing from my life force.

I will be where I am right now only all over again, and again and again. Personally I can't bear more pain, agony and torture, because in the end they will sabotage every goodness and piece of love in us for them. They will detonate a bomb and watch it explode as they begin to tell you of their latest hearth throb. I'd rather just keep the good memories and forge on. I'm speaking for myself here and just know this is a torture that I can actually choose to walk away from. I can't kid myself... .   I know my my ex it would just be to titillate himself and have his cake and eat it too while at the same time never have to tackle anything wrong with them because everyone and everything around them allows them to simply continue their destructive lives. I see this with my ex so should he ever choose to come back to me... .   I will know that life is still the same and he 'like a child' is just going to the next fix, the next filler of the great void. I know I made a profound affect in his life... .   in a way I feel he will be somewhat haunted (or maybe I'm fooling myself and he will forget me without a second thought)?

I can't fix him and I can't be a temporary fix for him in his tortured life. I can't fill him up with 'me' no matter how many times he will or might call. I've blocked him from skype, phone and emails.

It's my peace of mind (even though I'm a tortured piece of mind) For me I pray I have no contact with him in the future even though my heart would eat him up in a second, which is fearful. But I know ultimately it's not good for me and won't be good and won't end up good. It will end up the very same that it is now... .   I'll be recycled, dumped but in the mean time tormented, punished and in heaven for moments at a time. It's isnt those heavenly moments that are the real deal. It's everything else. That is what I have to keep reminding myself of no matter how in denial I try to make myself just to want him back.

Everything else serves as a stark and alarming reminder, so if I have to put those facts all over my home to remind myself than so be it as long as it will preserve me, protect me and keep me from living that living hell that I convinced myself was a part of Loving him.  I have to remind myself that he dumped cruelly out of the blue while we were making marriage plans and plans for me to move with him. That he dumped me when we were at our best  for the most part and in doing so blamed it all on me for hugging his friend and being too friendly which meant that I would one day betray him and be unfaithful. He saw life in black and white and if you did one single solitary thing wrong he would punish you over and over and over. It never really ended because he would use those things to sabotage and end it.

So I think I deserve better than that. I think I deserve really being Loved. Why would I give him another chance to destroy me when all he did was do that to me over and over again. Sadly most of it wasn't even my fault but what ever he saw that triggered him like me hugging and kissing his friend to him enraged his trigger of seeing my completely black and disgusting in his eyes. His punishments were brutal so no, why would I do that to myself again. Just for a few moments of the heavenly enmeshment I experienced which were out of this world? That does not counter balance the punishments that are worthy or the horrible cruel demonic attacks that I saw unleashed in him towards me.

So no... .   is it worth it? To me I see the same agonized bleeding two years played before me only with new twists. I'm a bleeding Juliet right now but I'm trying to make myself stronger. That is the reason why I have made it impossible for him to reach me. I can't believe I even managed to have the strength to do that but I did.

A part of me is utterly humiliated that I allowed myself to be treated so very poorly, so abused and in fear walking on eggshells everyday. I know I deserve better. WAY BETTER.

Don't know if that helps but that is my take on based on my experience.

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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #25 on: April 15, 2013, 08:10:03 PM »

Wow, I can really feel your pain Elemetia, your feelings are palpable! Beautifully written, I agree with you, the reason I've gotten to a better place is because I haven't been in contact with my Ex Boyfriend (undiagnosed Borderline.) We have to take all the Love we had for our Ex's and direct it towards ourselves, because with Love like that we'd be on top of the world!
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Dave44
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« Reply #26 on: April 15, 2013, 09:44:59 PM »

Wow, guys. It really burns deep doesn't it?

Dave44, I guess I was hoping for some clarity on her part rather than a simple check-in. In total I've received three engagement attempts in two years, none of which were asking for me back or acknowledging the pain she might've caused. I'd rather be in your situation and not of received any at all. At least I would known for sure she was done with me. Did you suspect your ex to have BPD while you were still with her?

No, I had never even heard of it before. After her brutal departure in total confusion I started googling her behaviour regarding the ending of the relationship and subsequently found my way here. Thank god. It was absolutely the most painful thing I've ever had to deal with.
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