Vulcanized trailer and rage.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have this nifty RV trailer that I got for $4000 at the beginning of the year. being an intrinsic tinkerer ans scientist at the core level, I immediately started doing experiments with it, mainly with climate control and easy clean ability.

This last week, I decided to vulcanize, or rubberized, all of the floors and walls. I made up this secret sauce, which included about a gallon of the blood red sand from this area, and applied it in various shades. I changed my mind from doing a melted wax look to a stucco, southwestern look.

I took up the ghetto carpet and linoleum and it reveal a chip board flooring, you know the plywood made up of wood chips? Well, I painted and vulcanized right over that. Andit looks awesome. As wells every square inch of the walls. The acoustics, as well as the climate, has changed.

when I was working, a huge amount of rage welled up. I mean, I had dharma talks playing, and even these could not touch the level of pissed off. I realized a truth about myself.

I am a highly gifted woman. And the people in my life, mostly men, have really dragged this down, because they are jealous sh!theads. I can do just about everything, including swinging a hammer.

I have a lot of immigrant friends... .  many of the common talking points they have is that typical americans are lazy and don't work hard. Last time I head this, it was two men that were to chicken to climb a very tall ladder to hang a sign... .  ... .  the white bread American girl did it. Told them that this was not the case, to lovingly STFU. I have more balls than any man I know. And I am all woman. Lots of men are extremely threaten, because of their own inferiorities. I don't throw it up in their faces, but the proof is in the pudding as they watch me work. Do I give a crap? NO.

Even my bristish guy friend, who is very hardworking, gets scared sometimes. Yesterday, he could see that I was working my ass off to get this done, and I was filthy, and he became needy and wanted me to stop so that I could spend time with him, even though I had spent the last few night with him. I mean, I validated his feeling, but man, what a baby. I am trying to get my life together, and I told him this, and he still becomes needy.

But the rage was about my brother, who put my life in serious jeopardy when my ex had his dangerous psychotic breakdown. It has been a year, and the little pussy is too cowardly to face me. This, along with years of compulsive lying and narcissistic manuplations of people just makes me want to throw up. I was listening to a dharma talk on anger. But the thing is, what he is done is unforgivable, unredeemable, and my life is better without him. He would not be where he is without me, and the slap in the face had basically caused me to take the stance of cutting out all bull sh!t out of my life. I just don't know why the men in mylife want to tear me down, and not support me. I mean, these are worthless scum to want to break down a hardworking, talented, ambitious person.

Thought and commentary appreciated.

[Maryiscontrary]

I have this nifty RV trailer that I got for $4000 at the beginning of the year. being an intrinsic tinkerer ans scientist at the core level, I immediately started doing experiments with it, mainly with climate control and easy clean ability.

This last week, I decided to vulcanize, or rubberized, all of the floors and walls. I made up this secret sauce, which included about a gallon of the blood red sand from this area, and applied it in various shades. I changed my mind from doing a melted wax look to a stucco, southwestern look.

I took up the ghetto carpet and linoleum and it reveal a chip board flooring, you know the plywood made up of wood chips? Well, I painted and vulcanized right over that. Andit looks awesome. As wells every square inch of the walls. The acoustics, as well as the climate, has changed.

when I was working, a huge amount of rage welled up. I mean, I had dharma talks playing, and even these could not touch the level of pissed off. I realized a truth about myself.

I am a highly gifted woman. And the people in my life, mostly men, have really dragged this down, because they are jealous sh!theads. I can do just about everything, including swinging a hammer.

I have a lot of immigrant friends... .  many of the common talking points they have is that typical americans are lazy and don't work hard. Last time I head this, it was two men that were to chicken to climb a very tall ladder to hang a sign... .  ... .  the white bread American girl did it. Told them that this was not the case, to lovingly STFU. I have more balls than any man I know. And I am all woman. Lots of men are extremely threaten, because of their own inferiorities. I don't throw it up in their faces, but the proof is in the pudding as they watch me work. Do I give a crap? NO.

Even my bristish guy friend, who is very hardworking, gets scared sometimes. Yesterday, he could see that I was working my ass off to get this done, and I was filthy, and he became needy and wanted me to stop so that I could spend time with him, even though I had spent the last few night with him. I mean, I validated his feeling, but man, what a baby. I am trying to get my life together, and I told him this, and he still becomes needy.

But the rage was about my brother, who put my life in serious jeopardy when my ex had his dangerous psychotic breakdown. It has been a year, and the little pussy is too cowardly to face me. This, along with years of compulsive lying and narcissistic manuplations of people just makes me want to throw up. I was listening to a dharma talk on anger. But the thing is, what he is done is unforgivable, unredeemable, and my life is better without him. He would not be where he is without me, and the slap in the face had basically caused me to take the stance of cutting out all bull sh!t out of my life. I just don't know why the men in mylife want to tear me down, and not support me. I mean, these are worthless scum to want to break down a hardworking, talented, ambitious person.

Thought and commentary appreciated.

[slimmiller]

 

Kuddos for being angry!

Actually I think at times as we heal anger is good as long as its not destructive or self defeating. It gives us resolve and moves us. Lord knows being immeresed in BPD turns us so damn passive at times we have a tendency to get stuck.

Anger has moved me to do many things that I other wise would not have. I took up guitar lessons, something I have been wanting to do for years. I cant say that I just got p#*ed and picked up a guitar but it did move me to actually DO IT instead of thinking about it. Its an awesome outlet as well.

Also anger is part of the healing process. I did a list recently and wrote down what all she did that was NOT okay. Needless to say I didnt get very far till you guessed it, I got angry again. And I feel I am justified to some anger for how she has treated me but then also at myself for allowing it.

BTW your talents are to be admired for what you can do. Never loose sight of your gifts! Dont let them drag you down

Also guys can be complete wimps at times too so give the poor saps some slack... .  

[Maryiscontrary]

I appreciate this. It is scarey the level of pissed I can get. I am a small woman, and when like this,  I could probably throw a 250 lb man across a bar in a brawl. When I get like this, what appears to be ASPD traits spring up, and I go into terminator mode. dirty Harry, cold, calm collected mode. I go for not torture, but the eliminate them mode. Steam roller. I don't have empathy at this point, because they are attempting to destroy my very being, which is really awesome and beautiful, so they need to be eliminated, plain and simple.

[arabella]

Your trailer sounds amazing! Congratulations on pulling it all together and working your tail off to accomplish this!

You sound like a very determined person. Driven. Focused. Fantastic! Of course, if that's your personality and then you add a layer of anger on top, well, look out! It's not a bad thing but I could see how it might occasionally obscure some less forceful emotions. So I guess my 'advice' is to just be aware and look for undercurrents (or follow-up emotions that drift in afterward).

But the thing is, what he is done is unforgivable, unredeemable, and my life is better without him.

At least you know that you need to cut him loose - that's much more than a lot of people ever come to realize. I would beg to differ on one point though, I think everything is forgivable. Years ago I read a book entitled, 'How Can I Forgive You?', and it changed the way I view forgiveness. The theory goes that forgiveness is not for the other person's benefit, but for mine. I forgive so that I can move on and let go. That person may or may not ever know that I forgave them and forgiveness does not mean that I excuse them either. I am still angry. The consequences for them are still there but I will not carry their crap around with me and their actions do not get to take up free rent in my head. I let go (detach). So, if you wanted to, you could forgive your brother but still never speak to him again. You could forgive for you. Just thought I'd throw that out there - it's nice to have options.

[egribkb]

Pics of the trailer finish (unidentifying scene) or it didn't happen! 

Congrats on getting in touch with your emotions too.

[Maryiscontrary]

Are we allow to post pics? I have never seen anybody post pics. Is this against TOS?

Again, thank you all. I know forgiveness is for oneself.  I know that. It is important that I eliminate unsavory people out, period. There is no get out of jail free card with my brother. Or his btch wife, whom I also did a crapload of things for.


What I don't undertand is this. The people who I have gone out of my way for, and stood by when the SHTF in huge ways, have all sh!t on me and betrayed me afterwards. All of them. I mean, life would have reAlly, really sucked if I had not had been there. Really really sucked. And they betrayed me, treat me like a cheap whore. I mean, there are some really, really bad people in this world.

[arabella]

Are we allow to post pics? I have never seen anybody post pics. Is this against TOS?

I dunno, but there's an "insert image" button. Try it (I wanna see the pics)!

What I don't undertand is this.

*****

I mean, there are some really, really bad people in this world.

Perhaps that's all there is to it? Some people just suck. Be glad you don't understand - you're likely a better person for it.

[egribkb]

Are we allow to post pics? I have never seen anybody post pics. Is this against TOS?

I don't see it specified in the TOS but they do say no identifying info or outside links so use your judgement. If I have to I'll settle for imagining the sandy rubberized goodness.  

[Maryiscontrary]

Again, I really thank you guys.

The pictures must be posted via HTML. Let me figure this out.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Rubberized floors and walls in red sand... . very interesting!

The work sounds artistic and therapeutic to me.  That likely triggered the rage.  But I see it as a good thing, as long as you don't hurt yourself or someone else.  Sometimes we have to pass through the fire first to get to the green fields.

I had some anger well up yesterday after discussing some difficult topics with friends, and I just screamed at the top of my lungs in the car by myself over and over.

I've been pulling large pine tree roots up out of the ground right up next to my house.  Just digging in the dirt.  This is therapeutic for me.  It's good to get dirty and get in the dirt.

As for forgiveness, I agree with others that it is for you.  Yes, people can be complete a##holes, but if I'm honest with me, so can I.  How do I forgive myself for my shortcomings?  I let myself be human, capable of good and evil.  I can let them be people, too.  But that doesn't mean I have to keep them in my life or spend time with them.  And it doesn't give me a license to do harm. 

I strive today to do the least amount of harm and keep my side of the street clean.  That's the best I can do.

I'm sorry for your rage, and I hope you are feeling better.   

[arabella]

Hey! So now you have a rubber room to rage in?   Sorry, couldn't resist!

[fromheeltoheal]

I need to be careful; there's a difference between anger and rage.  I repressed a lot with my BPD, walking on eggshells, weathering her rages, not being listened to and heard, the things we go through with the disorder, and I found that if I fought back things would just escalate, so I stuffed a lot to keep the peace.  Not healthy.  So now it needs to come out, and it is, and I find that when I get some exercise, go light on the coffee, talk about what's going on with me, the anger is manageable, but when I don't do those things and get in reaction mode?  Rage!  And I need to be careful because I might do something I'll regret for a long time when I'm in that state; anger management required.

You sound pretty tough.  I'm not especially tough, although I am resilient, as I avoid that confrontation like the plague.  Working on that.  But there are tough men in the world; hopefully one shows up who earns your respect.  And even then, men have emotional needs too, and are sometimes needy and need to express vulnerability.  I've learned to accept that my vulnerability is a strength, and the older I've gotten, the less I care what people think, and am pretty much done with trying to be who I think people want me to be, so I just let fly with my realness, more and more these days, some people don't like me, some do, and that's OK.

[maria1]

Hi Mary

I'm liking the anger. I think it's good. I'm just connecting with mine more and I'm just connecting with a need to protect myself and clean my life of the w*****s; there are many of them! Your anger and your ability to see through the BS has really helped me with this.

But... .  being at the other end of the spectrum from you, I can't help wondering if the anger protects you from grieving, protects you from hurt. You have a lot of anger. I'm not saying it's not justified but do you think you'll ever be able to let any of the anger go? Do you want to? I don't know if you even need to, I'm simply wondering as it's what comes into my head in reaction to your post.

[LoveNotWar]

Ok, so I want to know more about the trailer... .  I've been thinking I need to do the same. I want one of those 60s canned ham trailers and I want to remodel/refurbish but don't want to have to do much structural.

My grand kids want to paint a mural on the outside, they've already designed it, I bought an SUV w/a hitch to haul it. Im closing on my new home tomorrow and the garage is big enough to store it. Just need to find the project... .  any advice?

[Maryiscontrary]

I will need to transfer some photos on my pc, because the iPad will not support HTML insertion.

It does not matter what trailer you get, just get one where the fundamentals are in excellent shape, like plumbing, electrical, and appliance. If you want to live in one, get the ones that look like a condo inside, like mine. If you want to stay temporarily, get a small one, as they are a pain to move. Don't spend too much money. Improvise. You will get greater satisfaction knowing you did it for nothing, thus sticking it to the man.

Again, I am deeply thankful for your inputs. I mean, the crux of the matter is that I find my brother, father, uncle, and both of my exes deeply offensive. Deeply offensive. I mean, these people are arrogant, but they are idiots, and they will twist reality in such a screwed up contorted state, and be adamant about it, and blame me for all of the sh!t wrong in the world. these people have destroyed their bodies, finances, relationships, and are thieves. Yes, my father, uncle, exes, and brother have stolen from me, and felt righteous.


Worthless sacks of crap. My father deserted my dying grandmother a over a year ago. Of course, she was a btch too, as I was there handling all the medical and hospice, and she would blame and scream at me that I was putting her away. I was the only one there to see to it that her body was removed. Sacks of sh!t. And of course my ex would scream at me over and over that we couldn't move from that hell hole Dallas because of her. Piece of sh!t douchebag. Got him his green card and rescued him from very, very dire straights. Sack of worthless, thieving, crap. Destroyed his ass in court.


Then my brother and his alcoholic psycho buddy try to weasel my company away from me during my exes psychotic episode. He knows big sister know how to build business in a depression, and that he is an idiot an cannot, and can only ride the coat tails of others, and he wanted that piece.

I mean, there are good people out there, but there are worthless sacks of excrement that humanity would be better without. You want to know why I am paranoid? This is why.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Mary,  Just a suggestion... . there's a book I read several years back that had a significant impact on me.  It's called Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn.  The author is a Buddhist monk and Vietnam refugee.  He delivers a concise, no nonsense approach to 'cooling the flames', so to speak.  It would do me good to read it again.  Take care.

[Grey Kitty]

The vulcanized trailer sounds cool! I once re-did one myself, although I just used carpet remnants and a few quarts of paint tinted and returned to the HW store for cheap.

I need to be careful; there's a difference between anger and rage.

... .  

So now it needs to come out, and it is, and I find that when I get some exercise, go light on the coffee, talk about what's going on with me, the anger is manageable, but when I don't do those things and get in reaction mode?  Rage!  And I need to be careful because I might do something I'll regret for a long time when I'm in that state; anger management required.

The difference is that anger is a feeling. Feelings are never "wrong" and if you try to stuff them, they will find another way to pop out... .  paying attention to them works better.

I would also note that the feeling of anger may be telling us something we need to know but don't want to pay attention to.

Rage is an action. I hesitate to call most of them "right" or "wrong", but some of them sure make more of a mess of your life than others do 

But... .  being at the other end of the spectrum from you, I can't help wondering if the anger protects you from grieving, protects you from hurt. You have a lot of anger. I'm not saying it's not justified but do you think you'll ever be able to let any of the anger go? Do you want to? I don't know if you even need to, I'm simply wondering as it's what comes into my head in reaction to your post.

I believe that we do protect ourselves from feelings we aren't ready to deal with. I believe that it is healthy and necessary, and happens in layers. A meditation teacher of mine said that she spent a HUGE amount of time dealing with sleepyness/tiredness. More than any student she has seen since. Eventually she got through that... .  she had been meditating a lot, and finally she didn't need that anymore. Then she saw her anger. This took more meditation to get through. Eventually she was able to make it through that to some of her hurt. She clearly believed that her sleepyness was protecting her from the anger she couldn't deal with at the time... .  and the anger was protecting herself from the hurt she couldn't deal with at the time.

Maryiscontrary, you are probably in a similar place. I think that if you take an interest in the anger, you will find what you need there.  It sounds like you are doing good work / good practice.

[Maryiscontrary]

This board is has some of the most compassionate people I have ever come across. I will figure out this HTML thing and post these pictures.

Perhaps if I look deeply at this, I am outraged, almost to homicidal proportions, because I find that my FOO, as well as my exes, as well as my colleagues, bosses, are deeply invalidating and full of sh!t. I am a vulnerable person, I don't undertand complex human interaction (aka lying). I don't understand short term gain at the expense of long term benefit. I don't understand worthless, dangerous, and expesive activities meant to pad the ego and keep up with the joneses. I don't understand dogma at any level. So to my eyes, most social structure is contrived,useless bullsh!t.

This makes me an easy mark of sociopaths, who mirror my ideals to make the,selves appear as upstanding people. I don't always catch this until too late.

I am outraged because being the big man, taking the high road, doing the right thing, gets you sh!t on. Like in Thich's anger book, I practiced compassion, in the face of vicious attacks. I tried to see the immense suffering. For predititors, this does not work. I went to huge, huge lengths to show compassion, and it only got me shat on and attacked.  So Thich's advice is worthless in this case.

So, I think empathy, real empathy, is a two edge sword. It is one thing to see the suffering, it is another to empathize with the hostile predatory nature of a LOT of people. When people ~ on others that look after their backside, they need to be placed in the trash bin. Humanity has no need for such garbage. It is people like this that has destroyed this country and impoverished 10s of millions, and has kept us in wars for over 10 years. I empathize alright. I know I am (or was)an easy mark for such scum.

[maria1]

I think that the problem is so many people are messed up in a really bad way and they have no desire to change the stuff in themselves that hurts other people.

I got a lot of comfort from the woman in the first episode of the Self Acceptance Project exposing why we are all so messed up and hating ourselves. At least we have seen it and know there's a different way of being, that our behaviours can be relearned so that we don't just pass down our crap to the next generation. We are the lucky ones.

I think you are right about the horrible people wanting to mirror your goodness. They should be trying to change but they won't because they don't have that capacity.

The people who do have that capacity seem to be few and far between in the real world. I'm still looking. It's a lonely place to be.

[arabella]

I am outraged because being the big man, taking the high road, doing the right thing, gets you sh!t on. Like in Thich's anger book, I practiced compassion, in the face of vicious attacks. I tried to see the immense suffering. For predititors, this does not work. I went to huge, huge lengths to show compassion, and it only got me shat on and attacked.  So Thich's advice is worthless in this case.

So, I think empathy, real empathy, is a two edge sword. It is one thing to see the suffering, it is another to empathize with the hostile predatory nature of a LOT of people. When people **** on others that look after their backside, they need to be placed in the trash bin. Humanity has no need for such garbage. It is people like this that has destroyed this country and impoverished 10s of millions, and has kept us in wars for over 10 years. I empathize alright. I know I am (or was)an easy mark for such scum.

I take a slightly different view, I think. Or maybe we take the same view and I will just be expressing it differently? I take great pains to practice compassion and to be empathetic. But that is for ME. It see it similarly to forgiveness. I do it for my own benefit. So those people that I empathize with? Some of them I will have nothing to do with. They are, as you say, the bottom-feeders of humanity. I feel badly that they are stuck in that place within themselves. They will never see their potential, and they will never get better, and they will live their entire lives filled with desperation and grasping and hatred and penetrating sadness. And they will not know why. I do feel sorry for them. I also feel that they are best left to their own devices far, far away from my life. The limit of my compassion is a lack of retaliation on my part - they should be grateful for that. Yes, I feel bad for them but that does not mean I will tolerate their crap, nor does it mean I will try to help them. They can't be helped - and that's sad too, but sometimes you just have to save yourself.

[Maryiscontrary]

I know this, I know this. What I am not sure is being understood is that I HAVE A BLINDNESS to being able to recognize social intent before I get badly injured. I cant process this information well.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I know this, I know this. What I am not sure is being understood is that I HAVE A BLINDNESS to being able to recognize social intent before I get badly injured. I cant process this information well.

That must be incredibly difficult, and I think it is crappy you have to deal with that.  I really do.

How can any of us know the true intent of someone, but ourselves?  I'm not sure we can.  What makes sense to me is, what can I do to trust myself first and take care of myself?  This will help in who I decide to let in to my life.  Taking time to get to know people is important... . sometimes maybe a long time.  But maybe more important is taking time first to get to know myself.

I still believe it is ok to practice compassion regardless, but with boundaries.  Like Arabella said, compassion doesn't equal becoming a doormat.  I would argue the opposite if I am practicing boundaries.  You talk a lot about boundaries, and you are on to something big there.

All I can say is I still believe there are people worthy of my time.  It sucks you've been hurt and taken advantage of.  That is not fair and life is not fair.  Regardless, you show great strength and courage, and I think you are on the right track.  Don't give up.

[arabella]

I see what you're saying now, maryiscontrary. That's very hard indeed. Hmm... .  

For myself, I am trying to decide if I get my boundaries in order and if I dump my codependency issues - will that keep me from being injured? I guess I'm wondering if the problem is not so much my compassion or my actions so much as it is a failure to set boundaries protecting me from other people's intrusions. Could I create enough boundaries or safety mechanisms to keep most of the damage from happening in the first place? I think quite often my hurt stems from my expectations of others. I am nice to them, I expect them to be nice in return. I'm learning that isn't how it works (unfortunately). But then I wonder what sort of life I'll be living if I just expect crap from everyone I encounter. I don't really want to be living in suspicion and fear all the time. So there must be a way to balance, I just haven't quite figured out how it works yet.  (Sorry, that probably wasn't helpful to you at all!)

[Maryiscontrary]

I have been working on this for so long. I just don't know when these feelings will get processed and attenuated. I think I had a serious nervous breakdown sometime in the last year, but I am not aware of it?

Anosgnosia?

All I know, is that I am operating at what seems to be a lower capacity than before. I get small windows of opportunity where I am on my game, but they close up quickly. I have these really reasonable strategies, but I am very slow to execute, as compared before. This. Is evidence that points to some sort of breakdown of large magnitude that I don't remember.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good thread, I can relate.  I too have had weak boundaries in the past.  I've been too open, to vulnerable, too sharing, because my heart is in the right place and I'm giving other people what I want and need, but only some of them reciprocate and/or are supportive.  Another part is my FOO, which was entirely functional on a superficial level, but was completely void of emotional content; we all just went through the motions, so I didn't get good at identifying people who were out to do me wrong, or at least not care about me.

So for me lately it's about boundaries and selection.  Sure, I can erect ironclad boundaries around myself, which keeps the hurt out, but also puts me in my own prison.  I say the key is to be more present and aware as I develop relationships with people, and yes, get selfish, focus on my needs instead of theirs for a change, and if they pass my criteria, I'm going to choose to trust, and choose to be vulnerable, and choose to be open, because that's where life happens, through connection.  There are no guarantees, but by focusing on my needs, which is against my nature, I can choose who to let in, and those are healthy boundaries.

[mamachelle]

Hey Maryiscontrary,

I don't post often here--- but who can resist a post with vulcanized rubber in the title.    Just a few thoughts... .  I think that putting in a floor and working like that could also trigger muscle memory and bring out the rage. I have experienced similar things just mopping my floor at home.

I have a quote I love from Maya Angelou:

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.

I can say though that anger is one thing, but self-righteous indignation for long periods of time will only blind you to what is going on now. I find when I am in that state of mind, I spout off to others and they agree with me... .  and so i think hey, we are all on the same page... .  only to find out that they are really on their own path and may be just as wimpy and annoying or even dangerous themselves... .  or extremely wonderful and don't know what the hell I am so angry about. In  other words-- continuing to hold the anger in front of me- I bulldoze through life, it becomes a screen that I see all new r/s with... .  and it's no way to live and to heal

 mamachelle

[maria1]

BUT... .  it takes time to get to know people properly. Some people, and these can be the worst sort, appear to be different to what they actually are. These people's true colours emerge in time. There is a risk to take in getting close to people, because you have to let down a little of the barriers to get to know people. That doesn't mean letting boundaries go; it means lowering some barriers. That's hard when you've put the defenses up pretty tight.

We can eliminate the obvious horrors by seeing the red flags. But some people end up letting you down anyway. It's a risk we take in trusting people. Trust is about allowing people in and being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means just that- you lay yourself open to hurt and abuse. It's always a risk. We can lessen the risk but we cannot eliminate the risk altogether.

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree maria, as I mentioned, there are no guarantees, but life without real connection is empty, so it's worth the risk.

I used to go into relationships with anyone open and vulnerable, and in hindsight innocent and naive, and that's where my r/s with my BPD ex really helped; if I continue to do that with the wrong people, I could get royally screwed, to the point that it is literally life threatening, so being present and aware in future r/s is taking appropriate caution, but at some point I get to take a leap of faith and trust.  There are still no guarantees, but there's no juice without true connection either.

[mamachelle]

I just saw these two posts- guess I kind of jumped to the bottom when I felt like I had a little bit to share--

I know this, I know this. What I am not sure is being understood is that I HAVE A BLINDNESS to being able to recognize social intent before I get badly injured. I cant process this information well.

I have been working on this for so long. I just don't know when these feelings will get processed and attenuated. I think I had a serious nervous breakdown sometime in the last year, but I am not aware of it?

Anosgnosia?

All I know, is that I am operating at what seems to be a lower capacity than before. I get small windows of opportunity where I am on my game, but they close up quickly. I have these really reasonable strategies, but I am very slow to execute, as compared before. This. Is evidence that points to some sort of breakdown of large magnitude that I don't remember.

Maryiscontrary,

I'm not familiar enough with your story... .  sorry. Are you in therapy? Depression can and will eat away at your day to day levels of functioning and can effect memory as well. If you've been through trauma as well this can cause these types of feelings. Also not sure if you've ever had testing done for social information processing. I'm a mom and a couple of my kids are on the autism spectrum and struggle with social interactions though if you talked to them you might not realize it at first. Again, apologies if I am just completely out of the loop on your story. Just kinda concerned about these 2 posts.

mamachelle

[Maryiscontrary]

I am very much in debt to all of you.

I really wanted to reflect on these very violent feelings, and also what all of you have offered.

Most of my life has been spent in excruciating pain. From congenital issues, to developmental issues, to extreme isolation, extreme poverty, to physical pain, and being alienated from the social structure of the world. I went without basic needs on so many levels. I could never figure out why I was always on the losing end of the stick. Always being passed over for jobs despite outstanding results, being slapped down every time I reached out for help. Over medicated with dangerous ~ that damaged me, and did not produce any beneficial results.

Therapist after therapist who did not get me, and had no training with trauma. Struggling and struggling. Planning suicide because I felt like hell (due to unknown autoimmune issue) and having no insurance, no support, despite a sh!t tonn of good Kharma I had built up. I never stole, never betrayed, was always dependable, and very good with money, and I saw rotten sons of btches who were parolled murderers around here having an easy life, compared to mine. They weren't starving. I was.

I had long childhood friends that had no education, who were ex escorts, and drug dealers doing better than me. I had family members who would get smashed every night, and lie cheat and steal, who were doing better than me, and traveling the world.

People do not understand how bad it can get here in the US. I though so called God hated me and had it out for me. Zero, and I mean zero support.

The only real transgression I had was not being able to read intentions better. Being an ASPIE. I am so angry at this environment that wanted to get rid of me. I knew I was better, and I knew I was very misunderstood.

It was after I got a handle on things that I realized the core offensive problem was not me. It was the fact I was living at an extremely different core set of values where hard work pays off, loyalty being the glue of families, communities, and that basic integrity was a foundation of life.

Silly me! The vast majority of people you come across are brainless swine with zero moral compass. Really, you can see how hitler was able to manipulate the masses.  These are people who will damage you sooner or later, because of their poor, herd like judgement and a general lack of integrity. I cannot afford to be around these type of people. They will stab you in the back, usually under the spell of a narcissist or a sociopath. They do their dirty work.

I see, in my world, things as being very out of control. SHTF in a 360 degree direction. People are frightening, unpredictable, and behave in a reckless way in my world. I don't share values on many core levels.

I mean, I have tried to work on the intense hurt I feel when I realize what scumbags people can be and are.  This is empathy. And this greatly collides with any faith that I had in the goodness of man. There are good people, but these few numbers are a small majority within a huge pool of collective insanity. I have really tried to work on this anger. I am so angry at the years of invalidation, and being treated like a freak, and the extreme hardship and loss, that I don't see how I can ever let this one go.

Really, I would be an idiot to merge contractual and or financial ties. Just a license to be stolen from. The trauma has deeply affected my core. You think you have control of your life, think again. There is very, very little we can control.