Vulcanized trailer and rage.

[tcevans78]

So I haven't read all the posts here. Just the first couple few. 

When I was working with my art therapist, she would take a feeling further.  So, if we hit on something like anger, she had a path out of the anger for me to follow to lead me to some other place.  Not that anger is bad.  It's just not the end of the healing journey.  I once contacted an art therapist and when discussing price she said that it's important to be sure you can afford it because art therapy is so effective at digging up painful things in a very intense way and it's dangerous to stop mid-way.  It can leave you worse than when you started- and all those negative emotions were sort of dormant. 

What I mean to say here is - what's next?  Do you have a plan?  A place to turn for ideas for some next steps?  For example, when I was doing my session and hit a place where my body felt full of black smoke and my lungs were burning and I felt as though I was choking, (and I was drawing this emotion - just like you were painting yours), she had me imagine myself in the vulnerable spot that was causing my pain.  I took the image of the small girl and placed her in my heart and loved and accepted her for who she was in that moment.  I forgave her for being vulnerable.  I imagined a bucket of blue paint or light representing forgiveness being poured over my head and body, filling me, and filling my heart. And surrounding the little girl with forgiveness. 

The key for me in that moment was not to forgive my perpetrator - but to forgive myself for being a victim.  Maybe you can get some guidance on how to come up with an art project to create something representative of yourself in the moment you were victimized, and a ritual of forgiveness.  Or something.  That's not meant to be bad therapy advice, I just mean that you have hit on something huge here.  What will you do with it to allow yourself the freedom from this pain, and have the peace you deserve? 

I also believe that needy people or critical people aren't necessarily trying to drag you down.  Yes, it feels that way.  And their bull cr@p does have that effect.  Rather, I believe people are just trying to make their own lives feel better the only ways they know how.  Belittle others to feel better about themselves (even if the belittling comment is a lie), or whine for attention from this insanely talented lady you know - because if you are giving him attention he gets to feel pretty special. 

On the other hand - I don't disagree that there are mentally sick people who do terrible, terrible things.  I'm related to those kinds of people. 

[LoveNotWar]

Many years ago my dad told me you can't go to heaven with hate in your heart. Don't know what I believe about heaven but that has stuck with me.

Like Arabella I practice compassion and empathy for me not for anyone else. If it happens to make the world a little better that's OK too but I want to feel calm, peaceful and happy. I want to be able to detach from the anger and greet every day with joy. It's how I want to live.

[Maryiscontrary]

Again, thank you for your extensive response, as well as for you rest of the posters as well.

What it is, I think, after even more reflection, is that I am constructing a personality. I have written for 6 or more months how much I was dissociating, checked out. When I start to come out of this fugue, I go into this rage. Lol, like a screaming newborn.


I think this is a developmental biological stage.

I did not realize how disorganized I was until recently. Horribly fragmented because of trauma. This new personality is much different. I will compare it to a typical Clint Eastwood character. I speak maybe 10-20% of the words in a conversation. I am far less chatty than what I used to be. I have lost a lot of my sense of humor. Zero BS tolerance. Less polite. When I am engrossed in my project, I will partially block out company, instead of putting it down and focussing on the conversation. I had all of these artificial rules of cordial behavior, which came off stilted. No more. A lot less cordial behavior. It is not me.

I used to be more generous. Nope, have closed the door 80% on that. I used to behave at what what expected of me, but since I have a defunct theory of mind, I gave up that useless crap.

I invest a lot into myself, and my personal quality of life, and much less into others, since other people are so unreliable and unstable, and do not know what the hell they are talking about.

I go to public functions, joe q public functions, and realize that I am the thinnest, best looking (see explanation below) , healthiest person in the room, including teenagers. Americans look like hell, with huge obesity rates, rotting teeth, and ashen skin, dull eyes, and brittle hair.  This isn't being a model, having plastic surgery, dressing well, or even being fashionable... .  no, this is looking like your not going to fall over with a coronary in the next five minutes. Americans are in a sorry assed state. All of their own doing.


And having to be statistically the smartest person in the room. Again, I am talking about basic analytical ability, basic reading and math skills, basic problem solving skills. I am not talking formal education. Sitting and talking with the millionaires, who are proficient in oil and farming business alone, they eat up CNBC and Bloomberg dogma and are dumber that a bucket of bricks. And their wealth is very, very fragile. And these are the smarter people. otherwise, I have to listen to retarded right and left wing sloganeering, and religious dogma. Which make no sense and have no basis in reality, other than mass media and social pressures told them to believe it.

So the real me is quite arrogant, impatient, and thinks people are full of BS. The real me is quite cold blooded, maybe 80% of the time, with 20% softy. The real me see social stratification, peacock displays and good old boy connections as totally phony. The real me will tell some SOB, without regard to rank, to kiss my ass.

Art, beauty, well oiled operations, and sincerity are the only thing that have salience at all to me.

And you guys are sincere.

[arabella]

tcevans78 - that was really insightful, thank you for sharing that perspective! Forgiving ourselves for being a victim - yes. Those 'next steps' in healing are not so easy to come by and I think we sometime forget to do the work to get there (or, at least, I do). I always think it should be easier than it is but I've found my personal development does not come 'naturally' for me. It's WORK and I have to consciously pursue it.

Mary - Do you think being an Aspie (hope you don't mind that I'm using your term!) may add an extra layer of difficulty for you in being productive with your anger or moving past it to the next part of healing? I have a friend who has a similar issue - she doesn't process in quite the same way as most people and it takes a lot more work and assistance for her to understand and use her emotions in a way that is helpful to her. I don't know, I just thought I'd mention it - it might not fit for you, so just ignore if it that's the case!

Your world view seems very black/white - either entirely under control or entirely chaos. Is it possible to move to a place where there is some control and some chaos? I think you're halfway there, you know that there is a lot you can't control. But you do control yourself and, although it may look like others get ahead, would you truly be better off if you did the things they did? Sure, you could lie, cheat, steal, sell drugs to children, whatever - but then you have to live with yourself afterward. Maybe they don't feel remorse (maybe they do?) but I know I would. At the end of the day I am the only one I have to live with and be accountable to. You've also put up boundaries re contractual and financial ties - good for you! You are controlling how much energy your invest into yourself vs others. So some of that control is seeping into your life... .  

Also? I agree that it is immensely frustrating to be able to see past the glossy facade - the layers underneath are usually very disappointing indeed.

[Maryiscontrary]

Again, yours and others feedback is priceless to me. Again, please accept my gratitude. All of you. You are truly awesome folks.

You bet it takes an assload of effort to process social behavior and others declarative emotional narrative. It is freaking hell. Its like dyslexia slows down reading. No fast moves or furtive gestures, ! The slow moving Buddhist monks, everything in slow motion, it about the pace I process. Not lot of moving parts, but man, do those parts run well.

I do not see things in black or white. I just don't. But I do see the straw that breaks the camels back, alright. I do see when I boundary has been violated egregiously, there is a point of no return.

[Suzn]

Everything you speak of that happened with these people, wasn't fair, was it? It's not fair that we do everything in our power to be "good" and we are not recognized for it, we sometimes perceive that we aren't reaping any benefits for our hard work. Here's a hard truth, we may have been victims in the past, as in our childhoods when we had no control over our lives, however today, we are adults and are in full control of the outcome of our choices that drive our lives.

Mary you are right, we as your fellow members, are sincere. We care about you. True friends tell it to you straight. This anger and rage you speak of are simply a mask to the underlying emotion and my guess is it's hurt. Anger is a secondary emotion, we feel another emotion first and anger is an easy emotion to jump to when we don't, or can't, deal with what's lying beneath. Anger is easier. Lashing out is easy. Impulsiveness is easy. True strength comes with facing these emotions, feeling them and accepting that we need self imposed discipline to control our own behaviors and our emotions going too far to extremes. We are the only ones we can control.

You have seemingly, inherently, "taken on" all the pains of society, all the "bad". This is an overwhelming concept. Yes, there is bad in this world, a lot of bad, but there IS good too and many grey areas in between.

Wallowing in your anger is an essential step in recovery Mary, you will hear other advisors and myself say take a bath in that anger till you are done, it's necessary, then, there needs to come a point where you start looking deeper within to move forward. Otherwise we are stuck and we remain stuck in a victim mentality. This is a choice, a conscious choice, once we understand it.

So here's my challenge for you, you are the driver of this bus called your life, what now? How will you take charge? What options do you see where you can dive into taking responsibility for your life going forward? This is your recovery, you get to choose.

[Maryiscontrary]

Suzn, I am not taking on any of the worlds issues. I just don't process social signals well, and they are painful. When combined with BS, like inane, incorrect, and wasteful interactions, I find it offensive. I don't share core values.

Listen, if you are told all of your life that 2 + 2 = 3, with fervent arrogant, sometimes violent insistence, wouldnt you get fed up with the invalidation one day and just lovingly tell the person to STFU?

Suzn, go read some posts on on the forum, Wrong Planet. You will find how utterly offensive and deceitful the social world is perceived by the posters there. The tricks and slights of hand that are perceived. I am telling you this so that maybe you can see this perspective a little clearer.

This rage is quite dangerous, so I was always told to shut up. I am not shutting up. I am not sorry. And anyone who tries to invalidate my reality, which is at least "reality tested" and examined, and go straight to hell. My problem what that I did not have the mechanisms available to understand how to erect boundaries and get rid of nefarious player quick enough.


Guys, thing about this, these jokers youve had in your life sitting there mirroring you, telling you what you want to hear, are riding on your coattails. They are perching up on you like a cat on a narrow limb. Like big fat ticks on a cows butt.

They will gaslight, and I suppose I am very, very adverse to those patterns right now.

I think this is part of coming out of the fugue.

[Suzn]

I just don't process social signals well, and they are painful. When combined with BS, like inane, incorrect, and wasteful interactions, I find it offensive. I don't share core values.

Listen, if you are told all of your life that 2 + 2 = 3, with fervent arrogant, sometimes violent insistence, wouldnt you get fed up with the invalidation one day and just lovingly tell the person to STFU?

I understand, these situations can be painful. Being invalidated doesn't feel good. I have gotten fed up plenty of times, I hear ya. Would I tell someone who is invalidating to STFU? No, not today. I would chose to distance myself instead. Everyone gets to have their opinion. A lot of us don't share core values and an opinion is just that, an opinion. If I chose to be offended and get angry about it then that's a choice "I" made. I can chose instead to hear an opinion without taking it personally. This has taken a lot of practice and I can't say I'm perfect at this, however, I work on it.  

We were all raised differently and have different perspectives. I can't fault someone for that, today. If I said I've never faulted someone for their opinion I would be a liar, I certainly have, today I try to see their perspective even if I don't agree. On the flip side, people fault our opinions plenty out there as you have seen. That's on them. If they don't know how to handle a differing opinion, well, we get to chose not to take that on.  

Now whenever I feel anger welling up over someone's opinion I try to stop and ask myself "what's really going on here, with me?" Do I feel slighted? Did I just take something personally where I shouldn't? Did that hurt my feelings? I try to identify the emotion behind it. That way I can respond more appropriately. Hope that helps.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've gotten pretty good at this age of dealing with invalidating people I just met; I can now tell them literally STFU or just leave, and feel zero guilt.  I couldn't do any of that in my youth, and this feels better.

The challenge I still have is further on down the path of a relationship with someone.  Lately I've focused on does this person care about me?  Are they competing with me or trying to express some significance?  What's the motivation?  Having those real conversations about what was said and why, and how it made me feel, is still difficult.  But something that is making it easier is my newfound wisdom regarding selection; in my naivety I used to treat everyone the same and treat them the way I want to be treated.  Well, some people are willing and able, some aren't.  For me it's about being much more present and aware as I get to know someone, to see if there's hope moving forward; the group of people I'm compatible with is relatively small I've learned, and that's OK, I only need a few people I'm close to.

[Maryiscontrary]

Guys, I honestly think think that this is part of the developmental process. Heel, do you share this same sensation?

It feels like something is trying to come online. Like some functional neural module. You know when your PC does a diagnostic, or if you do the test print on your printer. Or like testing the audio on stereo equipment. It feels like that. Violent and intense emotional states. Limited calibration. just like that.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yup, I feel like I'm in a major growth spurt right now mary, motivated by my time in BPD hell, so I consider it a blessing.

For me it's straightforward; putting my own needs first for a change.  The way I've always been is focus on other people's needs, be nice, try to fit in, and eventually my needs will get met.  Course never told anyone what those needs were mind you.  So now it's about focusing on me and my needs, which felt selfish at first, but i had to realize if I'm not getting my needs met the relationship or friendship won't work out anyway, and being up front about it is more honest.  And ASKING for what I need.  New behavior for a people pleaser like me, and it's new territory, an unsure time, but it's right for me, finally, and I've already noticed progress, so we're on the right track.

[Want2know]

Guys, I honestly think think that this is part of the developmental process.

What do you mean by experiencing the rage you are feeling as part of the developmental process?

[Maryiscontrary]

That is correct. Part of the developmental process of establishing new pathways and firing patterns.

[Want2know]

Sorry for chiming in late here, Mary... .  

So, you think that what you are going through now will lead you somewhere that you've never been before, as far as thought processes and emotional responses, by allowing yourself to express the anger and rage?

I read an article from the APA, granted it is simplified for the masses, but it makes some good points about anger.  One thing in particular that I read that seems to pertain to what you are describing was this:

"Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior."

Link to article - www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx?item=2

What I found interesting about that statement and what you experienced when vulcanizing your trailer is that connection between doing something constructive, and feeling the extreme rage while doing it. 

Another thing said in the article was this:

"Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge."

It seems you understand where your anger comes from, and generally what triggers it.  If you can continue with ways to express your anger constructively, you may be able to work through it to get you to a more peaceful place.

[slimmiller]

I invest a lot into myself, and my personal quality of life, and much less into others, since other people are so unreliable and unstable, and do not know what the hell they are talking about.

I go to public functions, joe q public functions, and realize that I am the thinnest, best looking (see explanation below) , healthiest person in the room, including teenagers. Americans look like hell, with huge obesity rates, rotting teeth, and ashen skin, dull eyes, and brittle hair.  This isn't being a model, having plastic surgery, dressing well, or even being fashionable... .  no, this is looking like your not going to fall over with a coronary in the next five minutes. Americans are in a sorry assed state. All of their own doing.


And having to be statistically the smartest person in the room. Again, I am talking about basic analytical ability, basic reading and math skills, basic problem solving skills. I am not talking formal education. Sitting and talking with the millionaires, who are proficient in oil and farming business alone, they eat up CNBC and Bloomberg dogma and are dumber that a bucket of bricks. And their wealth is very, very fragile. And these are the smarter people. otherwise, I have to listen to retarded right and left wing sloganeering, and religious dogma. Which make no sense and have no basis in reality, other than mass media and social pressures told them to believe it.

So the real me is quite arrogant, impatient, and thinks people are full of BS. The real me is quite cold blooded, maybe 80% of the time, with 20% softy. The real me see social stratification, peacock displays and good old boy connections as totally phony. The real me will tell some SOB, without regard to rank, to kiss my ass.

Art, beauty, well oiled operations, and sincerity are the only thing that have salience at all to me.

And you guys are sincere.

Wow! While I dont want to detract from where this convo is going further down... .  I just had to take a moment to say your comments, while probably not meant to, invoked a genuine chuckle from me in one sense but I can also relate 100%. I

[slimmiller]

Oops premature sent... .  

I was raised in America in a subculture (Amish) and then have had the opportunity to live for a time in Europe and because of that conditioning I have had what you say makes sense. I can totally see your point of view in one a way.

Because of my past and the culture that shaped me, I find BPD too fake in many ways. A 'cop out' if you will.

Honestly I too find myself with ZERO tolerence since I have been exposed to BPD. maybe that exposure is the catalyist for the change in us... .  

[Suzn]

I did not realize how disorganized I was until recently. Horribly fragmented because of trauma. This new personality is much different. I will compare it to a typical Clint Eastwood character. I speak maybe 10-20% of the words in a conversation. I am far less chatty than what I used to be. I have lost a lot of my sense of humor. Zero BS tolerance. Less polite. When I am engrossed in my project, I will partially block out company, instead of putting it down and focussing on the conversation. I had all of these artificial rules of cordial behavior, which came off stilted. No more. A lot less cordial behavior. It is not me.

I used to be more generous. Nope, have closed the door 80% on that. I used to behave at what what expected of me, but since I have a defunct theory of mind, I gave up that useless crap.

I invest a lot into myself, and my personal quality of life, and much less into others, since other people are so unreliable and unstable, and do not know what the hell they are talking about.

So the real me is quite arrogant, impatient, and thinks people are full of BS. The real me is quite cold blooded, maybe 80% of the time, with 20% softy. The real me see social stratification, peacock displays and good old boy connections as totally phony. The real me will tell some SOB, without regard to rank, to kiss my ass.

I get it, coming online, you're getting to know who you are. Are you angry with yourself in part for being passive in the past? Or angry that this is what has become of the trauma of your past? Maybe a combination. Break it down for you.

I go to public functions, joe q public functions, and realize that I am the thinnest, best looking (see explanation below) , healthiest person in the room, including teenagers. Americans look like hell, with huge obesity rates, rotting teeth, and ashen skin, dull eyes, and brittle hair.  This isn't being a model, having plastic surgery, dressing well, or even being fashionable... .  no, this is looking like your not going to fall over with a coronary in the next five minutes. Americans are in a sorry assed state. All of their own doing.

And having to be statistically the smartest person in the room. Again, I am talking about basic analytical ability, basic reading and math skills, basic problem solving skills. I am not talking formal education. Sitting and talking with the millionaires, who are proficient in oil and farming business alone, they eat up CNBC and Bloomberg dogma and are dumber that a bucket of bricks. And their wealth is very, very fragile. And these are the smarter people. otherwise, I have to listen to retarded right and left wing sloganeering, and religious dogma. Which make no sense and have no basis in reality, other than mass media and social pressures told them to believe it.

This is what I was speaking of when I said "taking on" society's pains. You've given this a lot of thought, many adjectives in your descriptions here. There's nothing wrong to coming to grips with what people have become in this country and frankly the pains in the world at large. There are movements to self sustained communities happening all over right now. Interesting how people are starting to see how self awareness and compassion for others works. They project hope for change in simply being and working together. My point is we can get wrapped up in all that's going on outside of us, it can be a distraction, it can distract us from focusing on ourselves. 

It's good to see a world bigger than us, it can produce wonder. On the extreme flip side it can produce debilitating fear and anger. For me, I focus more on my little world now, I know the big one is there with all the pains. I chose to find a balance with my personal growth and what brings me joy in this life I was given. We all know we are going to hear about the bad, with the news and social media so why not attempt to bring in some of the good? We have the power to do this, we have free will. Thoughts are powerful, they can affect us on a subconscious level.

Art, beauty, well oiled operations, and sincerity are the only thing that have salience at all to me.

This is a profound statement really, this is also who you are, it may help to focus a little more of your energy here, cultivating more of a balance in your little slice of the world. 

[Maryiscontrary]

Again, after reflecting on these great and well articulated remarks, I would like to respond.

Want2know, I am fully aware of the studies of this sort. I know this, and ultimately it is correct, I don't think this issues lays within that realm. I don't think I have articulated how concretely offensive and insulting dealing with my family, corporate hacks, people I thought were my friends, and just people in general. I have been the big man here, stepping up. Giving forebearance galaore to asss... .  

And then to Suzn

... .  and I realized I am not angry with myself. I was busting my ass always working with adapting, and trying to get along with the absolute, most sober effort possible. I don't read social signals well. And there are evil people will home in on that and try to destroy you. I am not angry with myself, as I have been working on this for Many years. The problem was I did not know just how low people will stoop, and how these people will destroy your life.

I take insults I have described like this very, very hard, because peoples behaviors are already chaotic to me.

All I know is that after a year of  fugue, I am waking up, and having explosive anger, coupled with bouts of depression, but it comes in and out like a short circuit. I went driving, in an area with miles of red plowed soil and zillions of wind turbines. Of course, the skys are super blue, the mesquites are super lime green, the clouds are ultra Charmin fluffy and super white, the dirt roads always have this reddish white glow, when the sun is full out. It is like an acid trip.

[Maryiscontrary]

And slim miller, you are right. I think it is very important to have zero tolerance when you are trying to stem the onslaught on people trying to screw up your life.

[Want2know]

I went driving, in an area with miles of red plowed soil and zillions of wind turbines. Of course, the skys are super blue, the mesquites are super lime green, the clouds are ultra Charmin fluffy and super white, the dirt roads always have this reddish white glow, when the sun is full out. It is like an acid trip.

You paint an amazing picture... .  I love those moments!  Truly awe inspiring.

I take insults I have described like this very, very hard, because peoples behaviors are already chaotic to me.

All I know is that after a year of  fugue, I am waking up, and having explosive anger, coupled with bouts of depression, but it comes in and out like a short circuit.

So, what do you think you want to do about this?  What are your next steps?

[Phoenix.Rising]

I appreciate your vivid descriptions, and I believe you are 'coming online'.  Keep on truckin', sister.

[Maryiscontrary]

I wanted to think about this a few days before I got back. I felt a fogginess, really shake off, similar to when you wake up in a stupor from a deep sleep or a hangover. I am extremely hurt by my brother, and over the weekend, did the mental cutting off.

You know what's really funny? The people who gaslight the worst, are the people who themselves have faulty perceptions, aka delusions. The more violent and fervent the gaslighting, the more delusional the idiot. it's great to have things in common, but the harder the mirroring, the more delusional the idiot.

I suppose I reality test to the extreme, being a scientist at heart. I suppose my shock and existential crisis arise from the fact that my FOO and most others around me are highly deluded. I am fine with that, until it crosses over into gaslighting. I will not deal with crazy stupid people, the blind sheep they are. If gaslighting occurs, I will castrate, pure and simple. I will make the process of gaslighting very painful for the perpetrator, so that it ceases immediately.

I am coming out of the PTSD checked out dissociation. I was alert all of yesterday, which is the first time that I can recently remember.

[Maryiscontrary]

And thank you. All of you. Very much.

[Maryiscontrary]

guys... .  

3 days and NO DISSOCIATION!

YEAH!

[fromheeltoheal]

WooHoo!  Congratulations!

[arabella]

 

Aaaand... .  she's back, folks! Sounds like you're really starting to heal, Mary!

[Maryiscontrary]

You guys are totally awesome. Thank you so much. I have gotten so much work done these last few days. It feels great to be awake.

[maria1]

Wow! 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Mary, That's awesome!  Keep up the great work.  It's surely paying off.  I'm thrilled for you.

[Maryiscontrary]

Now if I can figure out how to insert the vulcanized trailer pics via HTML, we will all be set.