Want ex's relationship to end.

[Suzn]

You say she's triangulated you, can you elaborate? From what I've read here this seems more of a love triangle situation. Either way me757,  you have the option not to participate.

[Mr Bean]

I also want my ex relationship to fall apart. Yeah i know i am a mean person. But she treated me like crap. Suck in for her current bf too, he doesnt know that he is dating a BPD. Am looking forward when the cycle begins. Oh yeah, now they are still in honeymoon stage. Idealization phase

[me757]

After the breakup her and I continued to hang out once a week or so while she was with the other guy. We didn't go all the way but we definitely did things that you don't do when you are dating someone else. She would tell me that she loves me even though she was with him... . this continued after she got engaged. I told her I couldn't do this anymore after she cheated on him w/ me while she was engaged. She replied that she's "****ed up". I went NC with her for about 10 days until she sent me a message saying that she was sorry for doing all of this. She told me how the guy found out and got mad but wanted to get married to her even faster now. Then yesterday she sent a random text "Hey". I responded back with "Hey whats up?" about an hour later but then she never replied.

[BradyK]

Hi Me757,

If you want to get to the point where you don't care about your ex's new relationship, as you say, there are some things you can do to help yourself get there. For me it really helped to go NC. Don't answer those texts. In fact, block them. You can tell her nicely what you are doing if it seems appropriate -- you don't need to wield NC like a weapon. And then, the other thing that helped me was making a concerted effort to focus on other things. Every time I thought of my ex I would remind myself to change my thoughts and start thinking about something else or actually doing something else. This didn't happen instantly. But I felt a lot better. Hope that helps.

[me757]

Yeah, I need to focus on other things. I have my good and bad days about that. I feel like when I just start to reach a new level of detachment she can sense it and tries to reel me back in. I swear they have a BPD/6th sense.

[slimmiller]

Yeah, I need to focus on other things. I have my good and bad days about that. I feel like when I just start to reach a new level of detachment she can sense it and tries to reel me back in. I swear they have a BPD/6th sense.

At times its almost like they are possessed with a spirit that makes certain parts of them superhuman, both seductively and then also when they rage... .  

Like a few others said above. Try and 'distract' yourself so to speak.

I took up running which is a great way to relieve stress and also took up a more serious interest in playing music. Something I wanted to do for years but just never quite got there. Lord knows looking after her needs was a 25 hour a day job for many years. She now has a younger more energetic bf for that.

But hey, less stress for me though

[me757]

Very true about the 25 hr days. I have a ton of hobbies already and when I was with her they all pretty much disappeared. I've been taking improv comedy classes since the breakup, which has helped a lot. I know I don't want her back because when I was with her and couldn't even be me anymore.

[Suzn]

So if I have this right, you never really had a break up, you both took some distance. Still seeing each other, still being intimate, just less often. She starts dating him and is now engaged. This is a love triangle. Do you want to continue to participate?

This is akin to an addiction. Being pulled back in is your decision. Finding distractions is a way to start building your life up around you. Getting involved in things that interest you will naturally distract you. And depending on what they are, are ways to meet new friends.

You have strength, you stepped back a few steps when she cheated on you. What does that say to you?

[me757]

We broke up but yeah continued to see each other and then she went "official" with other guy. It is a love triangle. Although, I haven't seen her in 3 weeks... . just LC. This is about the time though when she usually tries to suck me back in. Or if the guy ever leaves then it is a definite attempt. I never get sucked back in thinking it will work out... . it is all addiction. I will say that I am getting stronger with holding her off. If I had have just gone NC months ago things would have been easier now though.

[gettingoverit]

I totally understand where you are coming from, I am in the same boat. It's been two years for me... .  TWO YEARS, and I still hope my ex and the piece of ___ she ran off with and married, break up. As of yet they are happily married, so maybe she truly found her soul mate with deep pockets. I understand the need to have them end, because you were used and abused by both of them. All my friends keep telling me to give it time before the bottom drops out, but it seems that sometimes there is no justice or karma, or whatever that gives people in return for their disgusting behaviour. If they break up, then I know it truly was her and not me. I hear you 100%. I think with time and NC I am assuming you just don't give a crap after a while. Let's hope.

[me757]

I hope I can just not care at some point. I would think that there isn't a lot of hope for them if she's already cheated on him like 20 times w/ me within the 5 months they've been together. Who knows if she has been talking to anyone new too. She does call less so I can only assume unless he is with her 24/7. If she is left alone she will find someone to be with. She can't be alone.

[apple]

I totally understand where you are coming from, I am in the same boat. It's been two years for me... .  TWO YEARS, and I still hope my ex and the piece of ___ she ran off with and married, break up. As of yet they are happily married, so maybe she truly found her soul mate with deep pockets. I understand the need to have them end, because you were used and abused by both of them. All my friends keep telling me to give it time before the bottom drops out, but it seems that sometimes there is no justice or karma, or whatever that gives people in return for their disgusting behaviour. If they break up, then I know it truly was her and not me. I hear you 100%. I think with time and NC I am assuming you just don't give a crap after a while. Let's hope.

Karma has no deadline my friend.   It will happen. They can't sustain longterm relationships at all. If she has BPD it will end sooner or later.  My exw's first two marriages lasted 1yr each. We were married for 7yr's and her 4th marriage... .  the guy she was screwing around with,  she married 4 or 5 months after the divorce and it lasted less than 60 days     

I think she may be recycling her4th husband or have a new source. I kinda have radar for it as my kids start acting up when she's at it again. It won't last as leopards can't change their spots!

[me757]

What happens to these people? Like... . when they are really old? I never hear about 80 year old pwBPD.

[BorderlineMagnet]

me7575,

I've heard that the symptoms and traits start to be less severe the older they get, but I don't know how true that is. They are able to manage it better without causing the damage they did in their youth.

[me757]

My ex is 26. I've read a lot on here about pwBPD in there 40s-50s. Not worth it if it took her 20-30 years to "manage" it. Its horrible though... . if she suddenly learned to manage it and not cheat within the next few years I think I'd be torn up since I was the one to really put my foot down and end it mainly because I didn't think she would change.

[apple]

What happens to these people? Like... . when they are really old? I never hear about 80 year old pwBPD.

I've read a few posts on the forum where people have problems with their elderly parents with BPD. i.e. my mom has had 5 boyfriends in the last year... .  LMAO

[apple]

My ex is 26. I've read a lot on here about pwBPD in there 40s-50s. Not worth it if it took her 20-30 years to "manage" it. Its horrible though... . if she suddenly learned to manage it and not cheat within the next few years I think I'd be torn up since I was the one to really put my foot down and end it mainly because I didn't think she would change.

I've also read many stories of pwBPD in their 40's,50's on this forum that haven't changed an ounce and wreaked havoc on many lives. Most likely due to the fact that they are emotionally stuck as a child.

[MontyD]

me7575,

I've heard that the symptoms and traits start to be less severe the older they get, but I don't know how true that is. They are able to manage it better without causing the damage they did in their youth.

My ex is a textbook pwBPD, diagnosed ! And in therapy.

She is in her 50's.

My conclusion is that the older they get, the better they get at hiding it.

Monty

[Suzn]

It won't last as leopards can't change their spots!

Hmm, mine seemed change her spots for a brief period. Had I not re-engaged with her I can't say if she would still be with the new person she was with then or not. There's just no way to know for sure.

2 1/2 years ago, almost, I hadn't seen her for 6 months. I was contacted by the person she was seeing (through facebook). Apparently, I had been texting and calling my ex and she wanted to know why. Didn't happen, my ex didn't have my phone number and I didn't want her to have it.

Long story short, I worked out seeing the kids again. Which meant I had to see her to pick them up. Well, she looked awesome. She had been working out, became a vegetarian (because the new girl was), was seeing her therapist regularly and going to church. Frankly, I had never seen her look so good, and I felt robbed. Robbed of this person I had always wanted her to be. Healthy. And when I say robbed, I mean shocked, and it made me angry. Why couldn't she be this person with me? Why couldn't she have her act together when I begged her to do these things?

It all fell apart within a month. Our cordial conversations, she ended up leaving this girl and going back to her unhealthy ways. I went NC and have been ever since. I see her out and about once in a blue moon now and it doesn't effect me anymore emotionally, not that it took this long for that to happen.

There were a few things I learned from this.

1) There are most certainly people better suited for her than I. This new girl most likely didn't trigger my ex like I did. It was sobering, like slap in the face.

2) I had very poor boundaries and communication skills. My ex's new girl who had contacted me wasn't aggressive about her inquiry, she wanted to know if my intent was to just be friends. She had better communication skills than I had. She was a doctor, not that all doctors have these skills but she did.

3) I needed to change some spots so that in the future I would be better prepared for a healthy relationship. Found these boards and found myself a T to get past it all and learn about what I needed to do to make that happen.

 

[me757]

Yeah, I don't know if I could handle my ex being with someone who doesn't trigger her/cause her to act up as much as I did. Its sad. I care for her but if she suddenly was cured or was able to get her issues managed with someone else, it would crush me. I should just wish her the best but obviously I'm not that detached and it would piss me off that she couldn't get it together with me. I feel like this new guy bought himself some time by proposing to her. She has even admitted that her and I have more chemistry than him but she believes that I'm not close to marriage, which is true. It's frustrating and I've had to try to convince myself that she wont ever change for me to have any chance of moving on. When the idea of her getting over this BPD w/o me creeps into my mind, I get pretty depressed.

[apple]

" There are most certainly people better suited for her than I. This new girl most likely didn't trigger my ex like I did. It was sobering, like slap in the face."



Are you sure she wasn't triggering her?  If she wasn't then why did she tell the good doctor she was with that you were calling and texting her ?

"The vegetarian, working out, looking great" is all part of the leopards spots called mirroring. Mirroring the doctor she was with. 

The mirroring doesn't last hence "mine seemed change her spots for a brief period" brief being the key word.

"Recycled with you"  more spots and yes we have to look at why we would do that as well.

"Had I not re-engaged with her I can't say if she would still be with the new person she was with then or not. "

If it weren't you it would have been with someone else and there will always be a next in line. She was telling her DR girlfriend you were calling and texting her ? If you hadn't re-engaged she would have found someone else that would engage.

A leopard cant change its spots anymore than a tiger can change its instinct to hunt.

[Suzn]

" There are most certainly people better suited for her than I. This new girl most likely didn't trigger my ex like I did. It was sobering, like slap in the face."



Are you sure she wasn't triggering her?  If she wasn't then why did she tell the good doctor she was with that you were calling and texting her ?

She didn' trigger her like "I" did. She was never healthy to the extent she was with her. My ex is an alcoholic and she self medicated with drugs, this was not a part of her life with her new girl. That was quiet obvious from her appearance. Gone, were the dark circles under her eyes.

"The vegetarian, working out, looking great" is all part of the leopards spots called mirroring. Mirroring the doctor she was with. 

The mirroring doesn't last hence "mine seemed change her spots for a brief period" brief being the key word.

Agreed. And agreed, that's why I used the word brief. There's no denying, for me, she was still healthier with her. I have no delusions about her being "cured" with this person, simply better.

"Had I not re-engaged with her I can't say if she would still be with the new person she was with then or not. "

If it weren't you it would have been with someone else and there will always be a next in line. She was telling her DR girlfriend you were calling and texting her ? If you hadn't re-engaged she would have found someone else that would engage.

Maybe so. I played a role, at least in this instance. Not fully responsible for her fall, just that I played a role.

A leopard cant change its spots anymore than a tiger can change its instinct to hunt.

I was reminded of this recently, "never say never." For all I know she's in DBT therapy today. And wouldn't that be fantastic for her. I do wish her well.

[apple]

Suzn,

Were you a vegetarian, did you work out, did you not drink and not tolerate anything else in a partner when you first dated your ex and she mirrored you ?