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Author Topic: are you still in love with them?  (Read 4390 times)
seeking balance
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« Reply #60 on: August 21, 2013, 10:44:38 AM »

It is perfectly normal to not always feel the love that we have for someone, but the love is still there through commitment, support and respect.  My ex could not sustain the feeling of love when put to the test through the commitment, support and respect. (the fulfilling of the declaration of love)  I, however, passed that test, and it is something that I can be proud of.

 Laelle

Laelle - this part bolded was part of the foundation for me to build from in my own worthiness.  Realizing and accepting that I did the hard in the absence of feeling helped me just be with me while I processed the grief and rebuilt my life.  I know how to love - as such, settling is not really an option for me now.
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
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« Reply #61 on: August 21, 2013, 12:02:18 PM »

I am 3 weeks out no contact and I still feel love for him at times. I am trying to get to unconditional love-where there is no negativity left and I can smile & let him go. Right now I am still in the "I hate you & wish you would die!" place. I feel so betrayed. Very mature I know. Love as a definition-in romantic relationships I think that ideally both people should feel the same amount or degree of love. For me love is forgiving them no matter what because you love them, but at the same time you don't have to because they feel the same & will do everything in their power to keep from hurting you. No matter what, you have that one person and their love & it's all that matters-being together with no holding back on either side. And everything is easy, the intimacy, the commitment, the forgiveness on both sides. Because you trust each other & that trust is sacred to you both. When things go wrong the most important thing for both of you is making it right and you do it automatically. What I am trying to say is love with a pwBPD is unequal because they don't love you as much or in the same way that you love them-instead of give and take on both sides, one is pouring everything into the blackhole that is the other. And the other just keeps taking & taking, never satisfied & always demanding more. If you are foolish enough to trust them, they will take that trust & stomp all over it then hand it back to you with a smile! This is not love. I finally had to come to the conclusion that: NO, HE DOES NOT LOVE ME THE WAY THAT I LOVE HIM! Then I had to decide if I really want that. I do not- I want him to love me as much as I love him. He cannot-therefore I need to move on. His version of love will never be enough. We all deserve more.
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mcc503764
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« Reply #62 on: August 22, 2013, 04:13:11 PM »

His version of love will never be enough. We all deserve more.

I am happy for you as you have come to this conclusion in a relatively short amount of time!  Good for you!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It's taken me almost 2 years (countless recycles in between) to finally come to this point to where I can accept that she isn't CAPABLE!

Still sounds funny to me... . awkward thinking for me, anyhow... .

There is no longer a need to think of them.  The focus needs to be on US and learning how to take care of ourselves.  It's a HUGE step in the right direction when we can honestly care about ourselves  enough to know that "THEY CANNOT GIVE ME WHAT I NEED!" Because what you are saying is that "I MATTER AND I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

I cant tell you how many other aspects of your life are effected by these types of relations... .

Good Stuff!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

MCC

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LoneWolf768
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« Reply #63 on: August 22, 2013, 07:11:25 PM »

It is perfectly normal to not always feel the love that we have for someone, but the love is still there through commitment, support and respect.  My ex could not sustain the feeling of love when put to the test through the commitment, support and respect. (the fulfilling of the declaration of love) I, however, passed that test, and it is something that I can be proud of.

 Laelle

Laelle - this part bolded was part of the foundation for me to build from in my own worthiness.  Realizing and accepting that I did the hard in the absence of feeling helped me just be with me while I processed the grief and rebuilt my life.  I know how to love - as such, settling is not really an option for me now.

Seekingbalance and Laelle: I thoroughly LOVE both of your quotes. I always thought I knew how to love, also. My ex BPD'er said I wasn't capable of loving someone else. Maybe she gets that idea from all the fighting. Well just because I had enough of her BS and mind games, deception, lies, manipulation, controlling nature, insecurity, jealousy and vindictiveness and decided to fight back does not in any way mean I'm not a man with a big heart who knows how to love someone unconditionally.

If her version of love is to... .

... . seduce a man because of her low self-esteem in order to control him and/or validate herself, become controlling and jealous due to her own insecurities, isolate him from his friends and family, create drama to gauge his feelings for her, avoid his family and make sure he never meets hers, play the perpetual victim, her childhood issues and the fact that kids teased her at school for developing at an early age (I'm sure that brings back some bad childhood memories, but it also brought to her attention the fact that boys were noticing her  - hence another reason for her seduction game), cutting her leg to send to him for a reaction (which was utter shock and panic when she did that to me), let her husband take care of her and make her b/f feel like he's just some guy,  ... .

... . then boy is she in for a lot of disappointments. She'll meet two types of guys: One will run at the first sign of her issues/baggage and the other will realize he won't have any type of future with her and she'll just be a booty call.

I actually told her based on her marriage, living situation, and her issues/baggage that those would be the two guys she'd meet. I'm sure she doesn't care one way or the other as long as her needs (ahem) are met. And that isn't love.

Braveheart768
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #64 on: August 22, 2013, 11:25:55 PM »

Yes. I wish i wasn't, but i am. But only with her "nice" side. The side that overflowed with nice words, attention, that actually interacted with you. But that isn't enough. You have the other side. The mean side. The side that wants nothing to do with ONLY you. The monster. Unfortunately... . That side is interwoven with the nice side. They are one and the same. Both. So technically, i am in love with a monster. I wish i wasn't. I tumble still.
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Blaise
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« Reply #65 on: August 23, 2013, 02:26:54 AM »

I am finally in love with her. I think that she deserves to be loved as aynone. I feel compassion for her and hope that she will overcome the disease. To me, letting her go is an act of love.
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mcc503764
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« Reply #66 on: August 23, 2013, 09:46:29 AM »

I admittedly do still love the good side of her, but it's hard to see the forest through the trees with her... .

I think that the "good side" isn't the real person though?  The "good side" that would come out when she wanted / needed something?  The "good side" that would be present when she was trying to reengage with me during the r/s and the many recycles which followed... . that very "good side," would ultimately hook me and suck me back into her... . the "good side" that she would need to show after one of her rebounds, that would hook me so that she wouldn't have to feel the pain, guilt, and shame from yet another failed r/s... .

I know that I cannot possibly trust that "good side," as it has burned me too many times... . it's not worth the pain.  I tried, but it comes to the point to where you have to ask yourself, "at what expense?" 

Same cycle... . "good side" would hook me, and then she would slowly pull away leaving me wondering what happened?  Then she would turn around, blame me for something and use it to justify her pulling away... . Only to ultimately find out that she was back with Bob, Bill, Joe, or whoever... .

I am personally offended by her actions.  She insults my intelligence.  I have walked away... . N/C... . not really sure if she will try again when her next one falls through, but I don't think I really care any longer?

Nothing has changed with her... . same game different players I guess... .

I wish her well, but I cannot possibly continue to try and "love" this unloveable person!

MCC
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jollygreen
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« Reply #67 on: August 24, 2013, 01:33:56 AM »

I'm in love with that first person I met.  She was perfect, and hell I would've married that person.  She doesn't exist any more though.  When I last talked to her she was someone I've never met before.  The girl I knew and fell in love with slowly faded away as time went on over the 3 years.  Which begs the question, did that person ever exist to begin with.  I feel like I was in love with an idea or figment of my imagination.  When I look at old pictures of her now, she just seems like another face, I don't even recognize it.  What a dream.
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mcc503764
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« Reply #68 on: August 24, 2013, 02:38:49 AM »

I honestly believe that we are "in love" with them until WE get to the point to where WE believe that WE deserve to be treated better than this!

Once we have worked on OURSELVES enough and have learned to love OURSELVES, we see things in an entirely different light!  We deserve better!  And I am really to the point to where I wont settle for less!

On a serious note, I do wish to actually thank my xBPD for this hell, because I have gained such a self awareness and a newfound love for MYSELF that wouldn't have been possible had I not gone through this experience!

MCC
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charred
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« Reply #69 on: August 24, 2013, 10:00:37 AM »

I honestly believe that we are "in love" with them until WE get to the point to where WE believe that WE deserve to be treated better than this!

Once we have worked on OURSELVES enough and have learned to love OURSELVES, we see things in an entirely different light!  We deserve better!  And I am really to the point to where I wont settle for less!

On a serious note, I do wish to actually thank my xBPD for this hell, because I have gained such a self awareness and a newfound love for MYSELF that wouldn't have been possible had I not gone through this experience!

MCC

There is something to that... . it was such a slap in the face wake up call that it managed to get my attention... . and get me working on my own issues. Seems like we are rebuilding from our rubble.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #70 on: August 24, 2013, 11:42:58 AM »

Charred:  That's a really good reminder of why we're here.  We are grieving our relationships but we're also here to work on ourselves.  The challenge is changing the focus from them to us.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #71 on: August 24, 2013, 07:05:38 PM »

Staff only

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