Live in GF has BPD. I want out.

[goldylamont]

"The Bridge" (and rope) fable, as discussed on this forum:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;wap2

thanks KateCat for sharing this. I've heard variations of this fable before. The only thing I would change about this fable for our situation, is that the one who jumped over the bridge would be really good looking. and, this person would also pull himself up the rope and we would be overjoyed thinking they would save themselves. then, when close to the top they'd grab us by the throat and hair and try and drag us down. so then it's left to us to wait till they let go or find a way to fend them off before they drag us down again (teehee, the good ol recycle)

[KateCat]

 

It's probably a good idea to add an understanding of the domestic violence cycle in this particular case too. For the cycle to be seamless it seems that the victim must feel pity for the perpetrator. I can't help but notice that fft was assaulted in his home on Monday, and on Wednesday he spent an hour listening to his assailant cry in his truck. Like magic!

There are some good visual representations of the "domestic violence wheel" (or whatever it's called) out there, but men may be less aware of it than women. It's not a bad thing to consult before becoming too embedded in a violent relationship.

[fft524]

Funny you say that, KateCat... .

My evening started out watching football at a friend's house, and I came home to find her sitting in her car in front of my apartment. She said she just wanted to say I love you and I miss you. We talked for about 2 hours, while she tried to convince me to let her stay with me tonight. I told her that that wasn't a good idea, and that if she wanted to talk some more tomorrow, that could happen. She started claiming that she "had nowhere else to go," and that she would sleep in her car if that was as close to me as she could get. After giving her another ten minutes, I told her that I really needed to get some sleep, and that she might need to do the same, since she has to work tomorrow. She got really aggressive, saying that "now you've p-ed me off, come talk to me." I politely told her goodnight and that I would be happy to talk to her tomorrow. She began kicking my front door, constantly ringing the doorbell, and throwing mud clods at my windows. After about ten minutes, I'd had enough and called the police, hoping to beat the neighbors to it (apartment complex). I tried to have some compassion, so I didn't have her trespassed or anything, just asked them to have her go home so we could all get some sleep. It was almost comical, because as I was talking to the dispatcher, she was having a hard time understanding me due to the doorbell. Had to trip the circuit breaker to it so we could understand each other. It was a scene straight out of COPS, sadly enough.

The one bright side to it is that while we were in the car talking before she had her tantrum, I actually got to talk to the real her for a little bit. She said that she's done the things she's done because she doesn't know how to deal with how she's feeling, and that she really does just want to be close to me. She hates being alone, and I feel genuine pity and empathy for her because she really doesn't know how to deal with all of this. Being 21 is tough enough at times without having this condition, and dealing with things then nearly drove me up the wall, too. I did manage to put a bug in her ear about talking to someone other than a pastor about how to deal with how she's feeling, so maybe that's something... .

I'm very empathetic because I love the girl, and I'm not the biggest fan of feeling alone either, but after the past week, it's just starting to turn into a detached pity.

(All that said, I'm SO glad I moved her things out when I did.)

[eyvindr]

fft --

So much familiar here. What you describe is exactly why I took back my key from my ex. Both times I shared a key with her, some outburst that started via txts, escalated to phone calls, and ultimately led to her showing up at my house, letting herself in, and continuing her rant like she had every absolute right in the world to do so. Like we were married and living together, and she'd learned of me having an affair -- versus what was really going on, which generally was that she was bored at work, and had sent me a txt msg that I'd taken more than 5 mins to respond to, while, in the meantime, I'd clicked "like" to something on FB... . really ridiculous ___.

... . After giving her another ten minutes, I told her that I really needed to get some sleep, and that she might need to do the same, since she has to work tomorrow. She got really aggressive, saying that "now you've p-ed me off, come talk to me." I politely told her goodnight and that I would be happy to talk to her tomorrow. She began kicking my front door, constantly ringing the doorbell, and throwing mud clods at my windows. After about ten minutes, I'd had enough and called the police, hoping to beat the neighbors to it (apartment complex). I tried to have some compassion, so I didn't have her trespassed or anything, just asked them to have her go home so we could all get some sleep. It was almost comical, because as I was talking to the dispatcher, she was having a hard time understanding me due to the doorbell. Had to trip the circuit breaker to it so we could understand each other. It was a scene straight out of COPS, sadly enough.

Yeah -- I used to have to unplug my home phone and, when she'd come to the house, disconnect the doorbell. 

The one bright side to it is that while we were in the car talking before she had her tantrum, I actually got to talk to the real her for a little bit. She said that she's done the things she's done because she doesn't know how to deal with how she's feeling, and that she really does just want to be close to me. She hates being alone, and I feel genuine pity and empathy for her because she really doesn't know how to deal with all of this. Being 21 is tough enough at times without having this condition, and dealing with things then nearly drove me up the wall, too. I did manage to put a bug in her ear about talking to someone other than a pastor about how to deal with how she's feeling, so maybe that's something... .

I'm very empathetic because I love the girl, and I'm not the biggest fan of feeling alone either, but after the past week, it's just starting to turn into a detached pity.

(All that said, I'm SO glad I moved her things out when I did.)

That's it, right there -- that's WHY we feel so connected to them. It's what keeps us in the F.O.G. -- knowing that this person who can flip from being the most wonderful person in the world to Little Miss Banshee in half a minute still inside them, behind all of the emotional chaos, possesses the basic human goodness that we all have. That's the person we fell in love with, the person we still love, the person whose love we desperately want to share, the person whose happiness is tantamount to us.

And that's why I despise this disease. It undermines and sabotages any possibility to experience that goodness -- which again is very much still there -- on a consistent basis.

Hang in there. But keep your key.

[fft524]

Today has been really tough. She sent me several texts last night telling me that we're done and that she isn't going to speak to me anymore. I'm relieved because I don't want to deal with the drama any more, but I'm dealing with this overwhelming sense of loss. I'm glad to be rid of the stress, walking on eggshells, resentment of her for lying to me, and fear that this will never change. I absolutely cannot trust her. At the same time, I have this horrible feeling of emptiness, sadness, and being lost. As ridiculous as it sounds, given the situation, I miss her. I'm afraid I'm already falling into the trap of only remembering the good times and the good parts of the relationship. I hate feeling alone, but I know the situation was a harmful one. When things were good, they were absolutely amazing, but when they were bad, I was trapped in the seventh circle of hell. I don't want to go home to an empty apartment where we have so much history, but I can't exactly stay at work all weekend, either. I've been calling around to my friends to try to find something to do, but nothing's panned out yet. I really just want to curl up under my desk and sleep. I sent her a couple of texts this morning... . why, I have no idea. I just don't want to be alone right now. Apologies for the maudlin crap, but that's where my mind is right now.

[aloha1983]

I would say get a mattress, sleeping bag and pillow and stay at work! Whatever it is you have to do. As for not being alone, I wonder if there is a church or some kind of group nearby you could visit over the weekend so you don't have to be alone the whole time. Alternately, there are men's shelters you can stay at in times of crisis. Don't be afraid to ask for help as you are in a time of trauma and difficulty. With the church stuff you often don't need to be a Christian yourself to receive some help or aid.

Otherwise, is taking time off work and going to your family for a week or two an option?

Your reaction to the breakup is different because the partner was disordered. The sense of loss will be huge and profound and it takes a long time to work through. The hardest part is realising the person you love wasn't real. It is just one fractured piece of the whole broken person.

You have a lot to give but for now you have to save it until you can find someone healthy to love again. You really do have to be tough here, not just with her but with yourself.

Please check in here regularly and let us know how you are doing.

[eyvindr]

fft --

It's hard, I know. But everything you're feeling is to be expected here.

As difficult as this is to do -- have you considered NC? It isn't going to help to keep hearing from her -- whether it's good stuff or bad stuff, it only serves to keep you attached. In order to begin healing -- it sounds like your mind is clear about wanting to be done with all of the negative drama and behavior that this r-ship brings to your life -- you need to close that door. As long as it stays open, even a crack, the bad winds are going to come in.

It gets better. You can do this. Hang in there, hang in here.

[Clearmind]

fft524 - it takes time to move through the emotions - its only natural you will feel this way.

Be gentle with yourself and reach out to your support network.

[aloha1983]

I would have to agree with what is being said above... . No Contact is kinder both to you and to her. Otherwise you will continue to ride the ups and downs and be far more vulnerable to going back. Trust me, I've been there!

Be gentle and kind to yourself... . it is going to be painful but we believe in you.

[aloha1983]

I just looked around the site for something that would help you... . read this:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61980.0

You will come to see that No Contact is the only way to go. Yes, it hurts... . but you don't have to deal with any NEW hurt. Please read it, I think it will help.

[blurry]

Can you simply get her to move in her moms without breaking up? And then either dump her then, or maybe it'll give you the space to deal with her bs better and you stay together? I promise you, from my experience, if it was her place you'd of already been locked out with the threat of all your stuff getting tossed in the dumpster. Assuming she's truely BPD.

[fft524]

Hooked up with a buddy of mine that lives out of town, spent the day hanging out with he and his wife... . the barrage of phone calls and texts was getting ridiculous. I ended up answering and telling her that I wasn't coming home tonight so that she wouldn't be sitting in front of my apt again when I got home. She ended up trying to go to his place (30 miles away) to meet me (uninvited), but fortunately she couldn't remember how to get there. I ended up telling her I stayed there and coming home, but I parked on the other side of the complex. As I was hanging out with my neighbor having a cigarette, he told me that she'd been driving through the complex looking for me a couple hours prior. Apparently she was in bad enough shape that her brother felt the need to text me, worried about her, saying that she was hysterical when she left the house. Apparently her mom was afraid that I was going to call the cops on her again. I honestly can't figure out how they don't know that something beyond a breakup is going on here. Her mom actually accused me of acting crazy and being manipulative today, and all I could do was laugh. Really dark humor, I know, but I couldn't figure out how else to process it. The mom texted me today accusing me of sending mixed signals, being manipulative, and generally screwing with her daughter's head. I explained that while in a perfect world, we'd be able to work things out, I can't be doing 100% of the work to that end and getting nowhere. I've explained to the grandparents, the mom, and the brother that I didn't move her out of my apartment because I don't want to be with her or because I don't love her, but that I did it because her behavior is starting to concern and/or scare me. (They seem to think that calling the cops the other night was some immature "gotcha" move... . my neighbors appreciated it, though, because they were trying to sleep, too.) The mom's response was that she didn't appreciate me telling people that her daughter is crazy; all I could say to that was that I'm not telling anyone that, my friends see that I'm obviously upset, and I try to explain why. If people think she's crazy, that's their own conclusion. It'd be a different story if I was making it all up, and there weren't neighbors and police incident reports and call logs that can verify everything.

I'm 99% convinced that the mom is BPD too, because during the conversation, I was answering her questions and addressing her concerns directly, and if something came up that she didn't like, she either ignored it or abruptly changed the subject; then she accused me of dodging her questions and concerns, and tried to place all the blame on me. She actually had the gall to tell me that I wasn't the only victim in this situation, that BPDex is, too, because I haven't been the model bf.

Last time I checked, I hadn't cheated on (multiple times with multiple people in one night), lied to, manipulated, or otherwise disrespected her daughter, belittled her, or assaulted her in her own home. Please explain to me how that makes me not a victim?

Last contact I had was an angry text telling me that I could come to her if I wanted to work things out because she was tired of playing games. I'd love for her to stick with that, but I fully expect to be awoken at 8 tomorrow with another barrage of phone calls and texts telling me how much she misses me, how she's a wreck and how we need to fix things.

I really wish they could put antipsychotics in the water supply along with flouride. It'd make life so much easier.

Sorry for the long, frustrated post, but REALLY? Enough is enough.

[GreenMango]

This is what is known as an extinction burst.  Sometimes it involves third parties as leverage if desparate enough.

I hadn't cheated on (multiple times with multiple people in one night), lied to, manipulated, or otherwise disrespected her daughter, belittled her, or assaulted her in her own home

These are significant actions and justifiable break up offenses.

I could come to her if I wanted to work things out because she was tired of playing games

You could if this was a game.  It doesn't sound like it is.


Piece of advice it may help to stop trying to communicate with her or her family.  Reasoning and explaining is just called JADE and when someone is like this it makes things worse - gasoline on a fire.

Can you just ignore the phone calls for awhile?  Have you read about extinction bursts?

[fft524]

I can't say that I have, give me a few and I will... .

[eeyore]

If the Mom calls you again, could you say thanks for calling.  While I wish your daughter well, I feel she isn't the right person for me and I'd like to break up and move on.  Please stop discussing the relationship I am ending with your daughter.  It is between you daughter and me.  It might be helpful to go NC with anyone related to her.  She (the stbx gf) is obviously very upset and has to hit whatever bottom until she will stop.  In the mean time you want to steer clear of any crazy drama. 

[GreenMango]

Extinction burst

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

[fft524]

I'll be direct, here... . my T is batting 1000 in the year that I've been seeing him, and that's downright terrifying right now. He nailed that exgf has BPD, he's actually told me what both of us are going to do before we do it, and while I know that he's a straight shooter, and I trust him implicitly, I have to do something. Bpexgf has been talking a lot about going to church and a professional counseling as a way of trying to rebuild the relationship; all well and good, but when I explained this to my T, he gave me pause... . He told me that she will do what she's been doing, she will turn to religion as a means of coping, and then she will try to kill herself when that fails. (He has 30 years' experience, and has been the director of a local mental health facility). She hasn't changed her behaviors, but she is beginning to lean very hard on the idea of speaking with a pastor about what's going on. She demanded that I "get (my) ass home for church" this afternoon. I hope my T is wrong, but it's like he has a crystal ball... . For an ex-marine who has no trouble dropping the f-bomb in a session, he's very, very good, and it's starting to scare me. I'm trying to figure out how to alert the family to what they're dealing with without starting a huge sh-tstorm, because although this relationship is NOT going to work, I still love the girl and care about her, and obviously don't want her to attempt suicide, for a variety of reasons. I can't very well drop the BPD bomb on her family outright, but it's an excruciating place to be, knowing what's going on and what the likely outcome is while I watch the woman I love self-destruct as her family looks on without knowing what they're seeing. I can't help her myself, I can't be in a relationship with her, but I can't just walk away knowing what is very likely to happen. That goes against who I am at my core. I realize that she can't be forced to get help, but if her family is at least alerted to the situation... .

I can't just sit here and watch a downward spiral and not at least try to do SOMEthing.

[eeyore]

Right now try to concentrate on yourself.  You could spend a lifetime and a fortune trying to help her and her family and still end up with a disaster.  There might be moments of hope but they also might be false hope. 

What does your T say to you about trying to help her?  I suspect he will tell you the best thing you can do is to leave her and go NC so that she might get herself into real therapy.  Otherwise taking her back only means that you both are establishing a pattern of you taking her back.  She'll do the minimum she has to do to keep you in the pattern.  And your boundaries will continually be broken down. 

And I agree most likely she's not telling her family all the things she did that were hurtful to you.  Like someone else said they aren't dealing with the problem they are hopeful you will make it your problem so they are off the hook. 

[fft524]

Concentrating on myself: that's exactly what I'm doing, and it's driving her into hysteria.

My T's advice is exactly that. I'm not interested in taking her back, at present, (likely never), and my goals are to get myself out of the fog, to get myself leveled off, and to do what I can to get her family involved in getting her help. I made the decision weeks ago to get her back in with her family and somewhat stabilized before stepping back. That continues to be my plan. From what I've observed and read, perhaps my only options are to go NC, or to take the MUCH riskier path, to raise the bar incredibly high... . that the minimum for me to even consider taking her back would be intensive inpatient treatment. That leaves me open to much more hurt and pain, but honestly, if I could have a real shot at saving her life and making a real difference for someone I love... . it'd be worth it. I realize that says a lot about me and potential issues with my mindset, but it is what it is.

I agree about your comment about the family. I don't think that they are consciously trying to pawn her issues off on me, but everything I'm seeing and hearing is telling me that they see the proverbial writing on the wall, they just don't want to admit it. Denial is a powerful thing. She is their daughter, their granddaughter, their sister... . I can't and won't try to put myself on that level. Her mother and grandmother are trying very hard to make me see her as a responsibility, whether they even realize that they're doing it, or not. She needs her mom and grandmother, they will love her unconditionally. She doesn't need me, just as I don't need her. She wants me in her life, just as I want her (given successful treatment) in mine. They seem to have fallen into the trap of thinking that I will love her unconditionally--not true. My conditions, however, were (and are) very simple. Don't lie, don't cheat, be true to yourself and to us. Don't let anyone into my home that I don't know personally if I'm not there. She grossly violated all of those. It's almost a dark comedy, if you step back and examine the dynamics from the outside: the grandparents, with everyone's best interest and the most experience at heart. The mom, BPD, dramatic, trying to do what she feels is best for her family. The stepdad: I understand now why he has a tired look of resignation on his face, and why he'd rather be doing my job (fighting wildfires) than going home to two BPD women every night. The BPDexgf: smart, funny, sweet, loving, beautiful, damaged beyond belief, but still deserving of love and respect even though she is incapable of delivering those reliably. I could write a book about this... .

[aloha1983]

I hate to sound harsh but you really need to go Non Contact with the WHOLE family. You are sending mixed signals if you keep talking to them and saying you might consider getting back together if she goes into an inpatient facility.

Your Therapist I'm sure would tell you it takes at least 5 years solid effort to recover from BPD, and they need ongoing support for the rest of their lives.

Are you really willing to live like this for the rest of your life? If not, no matter how vulnerable you are feeling, you need to cut them all off completely.

Get a new phone number, and I'm glad you spent time with the friend and his wife.

[goldylamont]

fft you are going through an incredible amount of emotional drama right now. and i applaud you on your strength, drawing your boundaries and moving her out. but i think you are still vulnerable and clinging to the idea that you can help her--you can't. moving her out of your home was **healthy** for both of you, and what is her response? to try to control you by any means necessary, to stalk you, to lie and manipulate her family for her cause. you can't help her... . but you *can* help her to do what she really wants, you can help her pull you down back into her insanity, if you let her. i can't imagine how painful it is contemplating your ex committing suicide. i have big grievances with my ex but it would still hurt me so much if this ever happened to her. but whatever is going to happen to her in the future--it's going to happen, there's nothing you can do about it, but you can save yourself. the church and newfound religion, the claims that she wants therapy, all of this is a ruse so she can keep her hooks into you and drag you back in. right now what brings her the most pleasure is to bring you pain. and you're really starting to piss her off because it looks like you may walk away and not let her inject even more of her emotional poison. don't believe anything she says about trying to get better and her wanting to mend the relationship. she doesn't need a preacher or therapist to apologize for the way she treated you, to give you loving space right now so that you can heal, to stop lying and manipulating those around her. she hasn't listened to a damn thing you've said. she hasn't stopped contacting you or given you space. she's only concerned with her own agenda and you already know this doesn't include any honesty or respect for you. from the stories you are telling, if you stay in contact with this person she won't be happy until you are sitting in a jail cell on trumped up abuse charges. it just all sounds like a dangerous ploy to me. pwBPD use our needs to want to help them against us--it's just what they do. if you can wait things out she has the capability to attach to a new victim *very* fast and then even if you wanted to stay in contact since she has new blood she probably wouldn't bat an eye to keep in touch with you. i think stopping all contact, documenting everything in case legal recourse is needed, and waiting for her to inevitably attach to a different target is the best thing for you to do. take care fft, you're really doing well considering the emotional storm you are in the middle of. congratulate yourself, but be very aware of how dangerous this person is.

[Clearmind]

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