Even knowing this, I can't help but feel as if I've also lost my best friend, and the most important person that ever came through my life, warts and all.
i think i am starting to understand it now! it
does feel like i lost my best friend and the
most important person b/c the xBPDgf was mirroring
me, i fell in love with
myself which
SHOULD have occurred when i was an
infant/young child through intimate contact with
my mother, but since it apparently didn't occur with her i was desperate to find it with somebody, anybody, *but* and here's the clincher, i
DID find it with my
xBPDgf but since i'm an
adult now, it's just
not gonna have the same affect... . it/she just
can't make me whole now.
i can only make myself
whole now through
healing and that healing can
only come from within
ME now.
am i getting close?
icu2
I believe it feels like losing a mother (parent)... not a best friend... the hurt is much deeper with a parent. Think the reason it feels like that is we put the pwBPD on a pedestal... elevated them to a primary r/s position. The combination of idealizing/mirroring/love bombing ... . we ate it up, decided we wanted lots more of that... and then when they turned clingy/hater... . we knocked ourselves out trying to make the illusion we had be true... . and it didn't work. Hate to say it but a truly mentally healthy person wouldn't do what we did... . they would have an r/s where the girlfriend was... . like a girlfriend, and breaking up would be hard but no big deal. The issues I think we have... are that many of us have a hard time connecting with people. It is common to disconnect/disassociate as a way of dealing with trauma/bad stuff... . and when that gets to be habit... you quit feeling things... and avoid situations where you might have to feel bad stuff. Close interpersonal r/s are pushed away... . and most people will stay at the arms length you are comfortable with... . leaving your emotions a bit muted, and a bit of loneliness, but not enough to do anything about it. Then the pwBPD comes along, ignores your boundaries... says you are awesome, and even goes for porn star sex... . we don't stand a chance. We decide that was "unconditional love"... . and elevate the pwBPD in our mind to something wonderful (soul mate in words... . parent in standing)... then the breakup is like losing a parent... depression that lasts long time, severe hurt, lack of motivation... . all those intense emotions we felt are at best replaced with quiet and boredom... if not depression and longing.
They are not the answer (pwBPD)... and they are not THE problem... they seem like the problem at first... but honestly, if we were connected closely with a lot of people... . genuine friends, good r/s with family, ability to be genuinely intimate with a lot of the people we deal with... . we would not have the kind of hole in us that the pwBPD seemed to fill. I finally really accepted that about 6 months ago... but had little idea of what to do... . until a week or two ago. Mindfulness helps you be present... and quit ruminating about your pwBPD... try it if you are still a mess. Being present and not disconnected is necessary to make a real connection with someone new. Google secret to connecting with people... . its no secret... active listening and being present and putting your concerns, words and interruptions aside and being a good listener... try to figure out why each person you are talking to says what they say... . what is behind it and on their mind? A genuine interest in them... and a good ear for what they have to say, is just about like the idealizing/mirroring/love bombing... . people want it and changing how you interact will change how they do.
BPD is an attachment disorder... . meaning the pwBPD didn't attach right with primary r/s (parents)... and has issues in close r/s... . most of us nons... . also seem to keep people at a distance and while not disordered... . we have a need to connect better, or we wouldn't get in to the mess we did. It isn't scary or hard, or complicated... . and to my utter surprise has worked to make my interaction with each person much much better. My problems are not gone, but most of them came from not connecting well, and it was easy to make a big difference.
