If I just tried harder...

[LoneSailing]

Does anyone feel this way? Like if I had just been more understanding, or listened better or been more affectionate, they wouldn't have left me. I know it's probably useless to entertain these thoughts but they are plaguing me. I'm nervous that I'm leaving myself open for a recycle if I don't somehow change this feeling. Any thoughts?

[PhoenixRising15]

I felt that way for so long.  So long... .until today actually.

Then I started trying to see things from her point of view.  Not to take it on and say it was "right" but view things through the lenses of a truly broken, broken soul. 

Then I realized, her point of view is not my point of view.  Nor does it have to be.  It's not my responsibility to convince her.

There was never anything I could do that was enough.  Never.

There never will be.

And it sucks.

a lot.

but nothing i can do will change that.

so i threw her stuff away, blocked her number, and trashed her emails.

Walk.  Away.

Only when you want though.  It only gets better when you decide to let go.  She will hold on forever, but never tightly enough for anything satisfying.

I'm sorry friend.  I'm truly and heartfelt-ly sorry for you, though I do not know you.

It is not fair what they do.  And I'm sorry for your pain.

You are enough.

[Surnia]

LoneSailing

I know the feeling very well, the ongoing voice in my head: You didn't do enough, you should... .

I have two different approaches: One is that I ask myself about the situation and my power. Am I able to change this or am I overrating my influence? For example in a rs it needs 2 persons to make it work. If I telling myself I should do more to make it work, I try to move mountains.  

Second approach: In this moment in the past I did all I could, it was enough.

In hindsight we know a lot things better. Its not fair to say afterwards, you should done this or that.

I ask myself about the future, what do you want to do for the future?


According to your situation your are probably shouldering too much thinking you can make it work... .

[Ironmanrises]

Lone,

I am sorry you are feeling that way.

I know it hurts.

The depth of that... .

Feels like it has no end.

I know that too... .

All of us do.

I let my exUBPDgf come back into my life after she raged at me in round 1 of relationship and abruptly left me.

I couldnt have been more understanding in the very fact that i allowed her back in.

The amount of trust i literally handed to her in the process... .

Knowing full well of her disorder... .

And that she was going to do this to me again.

I warned her of this.

What effect this had?

None.

Made no difference.

As she dysregulated and started to morph into that other side when she was triggered... .

I still tried to be understanding.

As she launched missiles at me... .

I would turn my cheek... .

Made no difference.

She launched more missiles... .

I told her to please stop... .

Made no difference... .

More lethal missiles were launched... .

I tried to be even more understanding... .

Started giving her space... .

No effect... .

More missiles launched... .

There was only so many missiles i could destroy... .

All my understanding... .

Resulted in the same outcome as round 1... .

She left.

My empathy... .

My compassion... .

My understanding... .

Would not get through to her.

No matter how much i tried.

I felt completely defeated after that.

The inevitable outcome at the end... .0.

[LoneSailing]

Thank you for everyone's replies. I know logically that I can't change her, or her actions. I also know that she is responsible for those actions. I think it's difficult to realize that we love someone so disordered that no matter what we do, it's never going to be good enough or perfect enough. The irony of telling someone that you love them and then shattering them moments later. It's so strange, we were getting so close, or so I thought. I've read that the closeness triggers them. It's devastating. It was like, the more I love her and show her that I do, the harder she'll push me away and the worse her actions. In that scenario, I guess you really can't win. It's so sad, because she didn't win either.

Another question, does anyone feel like their ex really did miss them after they broke up? Or is this impossible?

[papawapa]

Yes  they miss us. I dont think it is the same way we miss them. I also think they mostly miss us when things get bad between them and their replacement. When they are off in their lala land of idealization we are the furthest thing from their mind.

[Emelie Emelie]

Lone Sailing - I have had those thoughts many, many times.  I walked out on him one night when he was being a total jerk and he ended it.  We had talked about "handling" his BPD and he said the one thing I can't handle is if you leave.  I'll think you're gone forever.  He was furious about it and that was the final straw for him.  I've gone over that night a 1000 times in my mind and wished I'd handled it differently.  But I'm beginning to realize it was inevitable.  I was just delaying the pain. 

I also think the devaluing began when he really started to feel secure in the relationship.  I don't think I could not have been more patient or loving or supportive the vast majority of the time.  So I don't think that "helped".  There was a lot of jealousy and drama when he was in the clingy stage.  I think that's a big part of what "love" is to him.  Love doesn't feel "safe".  So when he felt "safer" it didn't feel like love anymore. 

In terms of him missing me?  Yes.  I know he does.  He's expressed it several times.  But missing me doesn't change anything.  He misses me but he doesn't want to be with me.  Sort of, I guess, like me missing him desperately and knowing I can't go back.  He's also still very jealous at the thought of me going out with friends or dating.  He expresses that all the time.  It confused me to some degree... .it's like hey, you ended it.  But I think he's really convinced himself that despite all the devaluing in the weeks before the break up that he had to "protect his heart" from me leaving him for real.  That and his feelings toward me are still as jumbled and love/devalued as they were in the relationship.  I'm sure your X is missing you too.  It's just a different thing for them.

I'm sorry your hurting.  This is tough stuff.

[peas]

Wow, Emelie, I think you unlocked something here:

I also think the devaluing began when he really started to feel secure in the relationship. I don't think I could not have been more patient or loving or supportive the vast majority of the time. ... .There was a lot of jealousy and drama when he was in the clingy stage.  I think that's a big part of what "love" is to him.  Love doesn't feel "safe".  So when he felt "safer" it didn't feel like love anymore.

That has made me think about when my ex began devaluing me. It was when I started showing him determination and patience that he became much less clingy, which was his behavior in the beginning of the r/s -- the jealousy and drama.

He got cocky later in the r/s, when I think he was being validated by outside women as well as me (the week before we ended I looked in his eyes and told him I didn't want to lose him). He got more bold with me with threats of wanting out, creating more drama to push me away. You could be right that "love" to our BPD exes does not equal "safe."

[confusedhubby]

Hi Lonesailing.

I too have thought about whether my trying harder would have made a difference.

But in the end I think like most non's who are in relationships with BPD's it would not have made any difference. The reason is that the vast majority of pwBPD are incapable of trying harder to maintain the relationship. There disorder prevents them from seeing the benefits of it. Once they start detaching it's the beginning of the end. The manipulation, deceit, cheating and other destructive traits are just too powerful to get them to stop.

The next time you think to yourself "If only I had tried harder"  a better question to ask is "What if my pwBDW had tried harder?"

[pallavirajsinghani]

A seed sown in sand does not take root

Nor watered in blood

Nor in sweat

Nor in tears.

[Hazelrah]

The next time you think to yourself "If only I had tried harder"  a better question to ask is "What if my pwBDW had tried harder?"

Couldn't have said it better myself... .especially true in marriage.

[fiddlestix]

I often think that if I had been LESS NICE to my wife she would have behaved better.  Perhaps I had become so spineless that she lost all respect for me, and thus less attracted to me.  I continually forgave every indiscretion, infidelity, lie, betrayal... .I was so afraid of being abandoned that I lived with the unlivable.  Perhaps if I had "manned up" and outlined bulletproof boundaries the "child in the woman's body" would have behaved herself.  Maybe.  But then, her brothers tell me that she was NEVER able to be honest, take responsibility, live ethically, morally... .  Who am I to think that by my behavior I could fundamentally alter who she is at her core?  She is a fully diagnosed bipolar with borderline traits.  Although I still second guess myself (a lot), I am beginning to believe that I am powerless to change her.  Now, I will get busy working on myself... . 

Fiddlestix

[Perfidy]

No matter what it will never be enough.

[thisyoungdad]

I spent months thinking and feeling this, and acting upon it. All for no return of my investment. It was incredibly painful but now as I think back to that time 6 months ago when I realized or felt defeated I can see that I never had a chance from the start. I feel a sad sense of relief in a way. In fact while I was in that space she was moving on or had moved on. On occasion I think about that now but I am now at a point where it doesn't matter to me that much. I am sorry you are going through it though, it is very painful being right in the middle of that feeling.

[Trick1004]

Could I have tried harder, done more? Sure, I suppose I still had more to give but in the end it doesn't matter, it would have taken longer but the outcome still would have been the same. I had given enough.

It was never enough and never would be enough, just constant take take take on their part without a thought of reciprocation.

In the last couple months before the end I was physically and emotionally breaking down. I didn't know why and at the time would never have pinpointed it on my ex, but I (subconsciously I suppose) did start pulling away and throwing up boundaries against her, I was just so tired and worn-out.

In my mind relationships are a partnership, a roughly fifty-fifty split on the part of both parties. One thing I can say is that I found how much I am capable of giving and doing for a partner. Will I pour that into another relationship again? Yes, but only for someone capable and willing to do the same for me.

[Trick1004]

I often think that if I had been LESS NICE to my wife she would have behaved better.  Perhaps I had become so spineless that she lost all respect for me, and thus less attracted to me.  I continually forgave every indiscretion, infidelity, lie, betrayal... .I was so afraid of being abandoned that I lived with the unlivable.  Perhaps if I had "manned up" and outlined bulletproof boundaries the "child in the woman's body" would have behaved herself.  Maybe.  But then, her brothers tell me that she was NEVER able to be honest, take responsibility, live ethically, morally... .  Who am I to think that by my behavior I could fundamentally alter who she is at her core?  She is a fully diagnosed bipolar with borderline traits.  Although I still second guess myself (a lot), I am beginning to believe that I am powerless to change her.  Now, I will get busy working on myself... . 

Fiddlestix

I've had similar thoughts myself. My ex told me on multiple occasions how happy she was, how nice and good to her I was, and how we never seemed to fight as much as other couples. I am realizing this was largely due to me continually backing down to make her happy. There were so many occasions where I just wanted to blow up at her and her behavior towards me.

A couple of times I did and was ready to walk away but she was able to keep me around with her apologies. This is the way they are able to slowly erode away your confidence and self-esteem. I look back on the r/s and wonder how the hell I allowed myself to become the person I was at the end, I was a shell of myself.

The thing is though, if I had "manned up" I would have walked away a few months into the r/s with her. For a number of reasons I didn't and only by letting my boundaries down did the r/s last as long as it did.

[fiddlestix]

Sometimes I am plagued by thoughts of things I could have said in a given situation.  I rerun arguments and confrontations in my mind, changing the script, altering the ending.  "If I had only said that... .or that ... .or that... ."  then she would have seen the error of her ways.  I realize now that it was probably like trying to domesticate a raccoon.  I might think I have "trained" it to be a gentle pet, then without warning it would bite me.  No. I have to let it all go.  I have to let her go.  I have to turn her over to God (as I understand God) and let her life unfold, consequences and all.  It is SO DIFFICULT after 25 years.  My emotional connection is strong.  Thanks for all of your support, people

Fiddlestix

[charred]

We have all had the thought "If I just tried harder"... .and many of us tried and tried. There are very good resources on this site that can help you with the questions we all seem to come up with.



https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

[Mutt]

It took me until the last couple of weeks to finally drive it into my head that it's a mental illness. I had that feeling gnawing at me "if only I had tried harder". I've accepted that I tried hard enough and the r/s had an ending from the very beginning, a specific pattern that would result in a dead marriage.

I feel confident that I went way beyond what a lot of people would try to do to save their marriage. I can't be hard on myself. I tried extremely hard and gave it my best shot.

[Learning_curve74]

This is one thing that I don't think about much, and my answer would be no, I couldn't have tried harder. I gave it 200% effort. The problem is that in a healthy relationship each partner should give 100% each, so when I gave 200%, she was free to give zero.

To be totally honest, I feel that she did give some effort to make our relationship work but never took the most important steps to address her own problems such as BPD. That's her problem, not mine anymore and actually never was... .

[mitchell16]

I still go through this all the time. Thinking what if i did that or said that or just didnt do that. But my logical sense tells me it wouldnt have matter. I cnat speak for your or anybody elses but with mine it nothing worked. But I still do this alot. 

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, learning curve.  As you describe, my uBPDexW was unable to address her issues.

Perfidy, you make me laugh because "Never Enough" was how I expressed to my Ex my frustrations about our marriage.

LoneSailor, I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could and almost destroyed myself in the process, so No, I don't think I could have tried harder.

Thanks to all,

Lucky Jim

[confusedhubby]

Not to ruffle anyone's feathers but I think the idea that a Non's trying harder would have indeed made an iota of a difference in a BPD relationship is a futile thought. Maybe the irony of a pwBPD has not donned on others but there biggest fear is abandonment. So what have they done to us non's? Taken that exact fear and cast it upon us Non's!

Abandonment is the very thing that petrifies the pwBPD the most. The thing that makes them break down and self harm. The thought of it alone brings upon depression and anxiety. Makes them act recklessly and irresponsibly. So what does a pwBPD do when it comes time to show there love to the partner in a committed relationship? That's right, they abandon the Non! Find someone else and have a gay old time. The only reason they even bother to contact the non is to feed there fragile ego and check up to make certain that there partner still has feelings for them. Otherwise they don't care about the Non whatsoever. Out of sight out of mind. Abandoned and forgotten. As far as I can tell there is nothing more hurtful they could do to there partner. In there childish mind it is the ultimate infliction of pain and they don't care they have done it to there ex partner / family. So long as it does not happen to them is all they care about. That's about as selfish a thought process as exists in the human psyche.

So thinking that someone that had the Non tried harder they would have attained a different response is just futile. The real effort had to come from the pwBPD. A non did not cause the pwBPD's disorder, they cannot control it nor can they cure it. It all starts with the pwBPD wanting to get better. Accepting there illness and related issues (like alcoholism and drug addiction).

[myself]

Tried just about everything there is. Here I am, back on the forums. Looking for answers to questions I already know the answers to. The best thing you can do is be yourself. If herself can be with yourself, and it works? Wonderful! The foundation is You (for any of us). Are you OK with who you are, with what you've tried and what you've done? There's way more success in that than a lot of us give ourselves credit for. I'm sad to be losing her, but proud of finding myself. Moving on will help open up new possibilities.

[Ironmanrises]

And even if you tried harder... .

All that effort you invested... .

Would get the same exact outcome in the end... .

The inevitable discard.

The return to 0.

And it would hurt far worse for the simple fact that you invested far more of yourself into the relationship.

You don't get any of that back.

But you do receive a mountain of pain in return.

Their pain.

And yours.

[Lucky Jim]

Myself, you expressed that well.  Agree, the key is to be yourself, which I found extremely hard, if not impossible, in my BPD marriage.  Isolated from friends and family, I lost myself in the BPD quagmire for a while there, which was not fun and nearly destroyed me.  I had to move on.  Now I'm back on my path.  Lucky Jim