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Author Topic: Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs  (Read 45977 times)
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« Reply #60 on: February 16, 2015, 01:06:17 PM »

Although she "hates" doing it, it seems to calm her down and is teaching her that teeny little steps in the right direction add up to something great 

Great news marla!

Those TLC (tiny little changes) are building blocks for future progress.

lbj
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« Reply #61 on: June 23, 2015, 05:18:40 PM »

I haven't posted for a year, but thought my story might encourage other parents - there's a happy ending, I promise!  After a very bumpy road with my stepson throughout his early/mid teens, he moved out.  Choosing a very expensive city to live in, and not having any education, work experience or even self-discipline, he struggled to keep jobs and pay rent.  He was caught up in the prevalent drug and alcohol culture of his peer group and was essentially living on the streets, blaming everyone else for his situation. Eventually, after his actions blew up every relationship he had (friends, co-workers, parents and sibling), he fell into a serious romantic relationship with someone he had known for a couple of years.  For the past 9 months, he's turned a new leaf:  committed himself to his DBT and successfully graduated from the program, excelled at work, found a place to live and worked hard on his relationship.  His Dad and I still worry that he's doing all this work for his significant other, and not for himself, but he's matured immensely.  Yes, there's still a large measure of 'drama queen' and victim mentality, but he's persevering.  A month ago, he and his girlfriend had a commitment ceremony and plan to make it official next year.

Fingers crossed that they live a happy life together.  And as a (step)parent to a BPD child, I can't stress enough the need for strong boundaries, and awareness of FOG in order to maintain one's own equilibrium. 
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« Reply #62 on: June 24, 2015, 01:02:38 AM »

RunningWithScissors -  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Thanks for sharing your good news with us. Persevering -- that does seem to be a part of growing up. It does seem to take hitting a crisis at a very low point and having a supportive person persist in being there with love and boundaries -- unconditional on both of these in many ways. I wish them joy in their life together and perseverance to work through the challenges.

qcr
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« Reply #63 on: June 24, 2015, 03:47:05 PM »

Thank you running with scissors for your update.  Hearing the good news is very helpful and hopeful to all of us. Like you, we had to put some major boundaries up for our dwBPD and it was so hard to "hold the line" and not get caught in the FOG.  Today, I was once again rewarded for my husband, my daughter's and I work together on her issues.  Her car needed a repair, we knew going in it was going to be rather expensive.   She took it in, got the estimate, called and we talked it through and said it sounded like a reasonable price and that the work needed to be done etc.  A little later I got a text from her asking how much she had in her account for car repair/taxes/tags.  (those that have seen my posts, know that my daughter and I work together on her budget etc.  because of the huge issue she has with money)  I told her, and she was so relieved that  she had plenty of money to pay the bill on her own, and then even thanked me for helping her keep on track with her money so that she could handle this on her own!   I am so grateful for this, a year ago I don't think I could have believed it was possible.  So I can happily say that today I have hope that all of our futures are much better and brighter.
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« Reply #64 on: July 17, 2015, 12:09:42 AM »

My DD is in a new place I have not experienced with her before. She went through a major bf crisis about 5 weeks ago which included an intense physical altercation and both of them in jail when I called police. After a week they were each released on 18 months probation, domestic violence classes and alcohol/drug monitoring. This automatically included a criminal no-contact order.

In the past DD would be blaming me and bf for this jail time and new probation and be impossible to live with. She has accepted the terms of probation after a couple of mis-starts. She sees her T bi-weekly, and is able to remind me about when the appointment is and her transportation plans. She accepted the referral from her T for a discount public bus pass based on her 'disability'. She has refused to do this for past 3 years. Her bus fares are 1/2 of the normal amount in the whole metro system. I can afford to get her an unlimited bus pass, and she is willing to use it. She asks me to give her a ride now when she needs my emotional or 'administrative' assistance.

She is also about 3 weeks into a "Ready to Change" group at the mental health center. Another first in her entire life - to desire to go and willingness to sacrifice other things to be there. She knows the other 2-3 clients in this group from her year in jail 2013-2014. AWESOME  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I continue to be able to express how she adds value to her family - I did this with the judge in court on the public record. DD continues to rebuild a friend relationship with her D. We are pursing adoption of my gd10 (we have had custody for 9 years) to gain financial security from dh and my SSA benefits as we approach retirement. So far DD is consenting to this and is able to talk about it without a meltdown.

DD has reconnected in a positive way with a couple of exbf's that were involved in serious crisis that led to jail for her and prison for one of them. The three of them are actually talking about the harassment and assault behaviors, working through the emotions and consequences. I am in awe about this. It is so good to hear her laughing when the ex that assaulted her in 2012 is here visiting. I said to her recently that it is like he is 'courting' her with real 'dates'. This is also a first. Her previous adult relationships were quickly into living together, lots of substance abuse, and a violent end to the relationship. Others from her homeless community are also working with goals to move forward in their lives. Some have excluded DD from their lives. She is gradually moving from wanting vengence to pondering her part in this.

It is like a journey that feels defeating walking step by step up a steep path falling into pitfalls. For me, sitting on a hill watching and praying, all I can see is slow but steady progress toward the mountain top. I read a true story of this as part of an annual pilgrimage of the population snaking from town up the mountain to a monastery. DD seemed to appreciate the visualization of this story.

I am very tired and very hopeful. Have to focus on my self-care practices. I am so grateful to my God and the people he has put in my life to support my journey. These changes did not happen until I gave DD up to him over and over, trusting that He would care for her as He cared for me. It is such joy that I am able to share this update with you all.

qcr
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« Reply #65 on: July 17, 2015, 08:47:56 AM »

Amazing!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #66 on: July 21, 2015, 03:23:25 PM »

I am very tired and very hopeful. Have to focus on my self-care practices. I am so grateful to my God and the people he has put in my life to support my journey. These changes did not happen until I gave DD up to him over and over, trusting that He would care for her as He cared for me. It is such joy that I am able to share this update with you all.

qcr

Wow... .This is a really inspirational update, and I'm so happy to hear it, qcarolr 

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« Reply #67 on: July 22, 2015, 04:03:03 PM »

Since my 28 year old daughter with BPD was diagnosed a few months ago there have been ups and downs - times her moods were more "normal" than ever, other times where I could see fresh cutting marks on her arm and legs.

This week she was hired for a job! She's very pleased. Of course her persistent negativity was in evidence (she only got the job because - she thinks - no one else applied, etc.) but she did it - she took a chance and risked rejection.

Since she quit her job a few years ago she hasn't applied for anything else in her field and so just applying was huge. Also notable - shortly after she completed the interview for this job (which she was certain she bombed) she actually applied for something else, and she seemed to be comfortable with come-what-may - this is big for her. Normally, applying for something that isn't a sure thing is really hard for her - something she may do every few years - but then she spends her days assuming the worst and vows to never try again if she doesn't get the outcome she wants. So this is all progress.

She's also been committed to therapy and even started a support group as there aren't group therapy services in her native language where she currently lives. I know there may be setbacks but I'm happy for today.
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« Reply #68 on: July 22, 2015, 09:26:52 PM »

Ooohhhh... .I'm happy for you too, samanthal  Smiling (click to insert in post)

This really IS big, and not only applying for and getting a new job, but also committing to Therapy--and even starting a Support Group!--are quite the icing and the sprinkles on the cake 

Great news!

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« Reply #69 on: July 22, 2015, 10:31:32 PM »

samanthal

Wonderful news.  Thank you for sharing.
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« Reply #70 on: July 25, 2015, 02:50:54 PM »

My first posts several weeks ago was one of concern for my 20 y/o daughter because she was verbalizing dissatisfaction w her therapy and DBT group.  She seemed to be regressing, very anxious and negative. I was full of despair.  Thank goodness she is court ordered to attend therapy for the next 2 years.  Currently she is in a better place.  Happy to go to DBT group and her therapy sessions.  She is less negative and tells me she loves me. She knows her Dad and I support and love her unconditionally.  This is a lesson for me to take  life one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time!) 
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« Reply #71 on: July 25, 2015, 05:56:35 PM »

Today was a good day. My gd5 celebrated her birthday and dBPDd came to the party. She told me that she was beginning to understand why we took custody and that she understood that she needs to get better before she can be a decent mother to her daughter. This is the first time she has spoken to me since May in any meaningful way. Thanks for this thread--it's important to embrace the small victories. I spend way too much time focusing on all the negative things.
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« Reply #72 on: July 27, 2015, 09:16:19 PM »

My first posts several weeks ago was one of concern for my 20 y/o daughter because she was verbalizing dissatisfaction w her therapy and DBT group.  She seemed to be regressing, very anxious and negative. I was full of despair.  Thank goodness she is court ordered to attend therapy for the next 2 years.  Currently she is in a better place.  Happy to go to DBT group and her therapy sessions.  She is less negative and tells me she loves me. She knows her Dad and I support and love her unconditionally.  This is a lesson for me to take  life one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time!) 

Gerri, I'm so glad to hear that things have turned around with your daughter and her Therapy and DBT Sessions! And happy to hear that she is becoming more positive and loving... .And, yeah. Learning to take things one day, minute or even second at a time, is a good lesson for us all to learn 

Today was a good day. My gd5 celebrated her birthday and dBPDd came to the party. She told me that she was beginning to understand why we took custody and that she understood that she needs to get better before she can be a decent mother to her daughter. This is the first time she has spoken to me since May in any meaningful way. Thanks for this thread--it's important to embrace the small victories. I spend way too much time focusing on all the negative things.

mimi99, congratulations on your good day with your granddaughter and daughter  Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm very happy for you, that things feel happy right now, and that you had a good conversation with your daughter finally, after a long time. Embracing the small victories and focusing on the positive in our lives really is key to being happy... .Thanks for the Good News!

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« Reply #73 on: August 01, 2015, 07:39:08 PM »

This is a first

Tonight, my DD thanked me for buying her an ice cream cone.

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« Reply #74 on: August 17, 2015, 10:09:38 PM »

I am  grateful my BPD daughter is able to say I am sorry and she loves me after her angry outbursts.  I know she really means it.  This is a huge and gives me great hope.  It is a huge step forward
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« Reply #75 on: August 18, 2015, 12:12:08 AM »

Hi everyone:  I sure miss all of you when I am not reading the board and posting.  I do what I can when I can.  TLC's is what I need today.  I have been really emotional today and took my swBPD too personally.  I felt like nothing when he rolled his eyes at me today and wouldn't listen to me, said he was busy... .  Anyway he is still going to dbt classes, so far four in a row and second month in therapy.  He is high functioning and said he retook the assessment questions and really isn't BPD anymore.  MMMMM I am very sceptical about that one,  Anyway he has held down his job and therapy and dbt.  Those are the tlc's.   Yea!   Kelti
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« Reply #76 on: August 18, 2015, 12:27:18 AM »

Kelti

Do not give up.  Remember BPD is cyclical, and those with it are bright.  They know the correct answers to appear normal when they are not.  Was he diagnosed with a lesser disorder instead? Bpd is a brain disorder.  You have every right to be sketical about a miracle cure. 

Hang in there. 
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« Reply #77 on: January 17, 2016, 07:00:03 AM »

Hi

Feeling optimistic today. Just found out that BPDs, following receipt of a referral letter and request to contact them, has organised himself an assessment appointment for this coming Friday. This is on top of an interview in 8 days time AND he's organised two days casual work this week. And if I'm not mistaken he's going to organise himself a bank account tomorrow... .say what?

I've agreed to act as taxi driver for the two days this week. I'm asking myself if I'm enabling, it's such a thin line. I'm thinking "well, he's helping himself so why not support him if he asks me to do this small thing"

We haven't given him any cash since 24th Dec.

Thanks for reading
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« Reply #78 on: January 25, 2016, 01:32:33 AM »

We had a lovely day yesterday. Went for a really long walk with the dogs, came back and watched an old film on tv in front of the fire. We didn't talk much, it just wasn't needed as we were happy just to be.

Just realised why it was so different. We didn't talk or moan about BPDs.

Bpds is all calm at the moment, unstuck and doing things for himself.

Old cynic in me thinks "lull before the storm".  He has an interview today. First in 5 years.

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« Reply #79 on: January 30, 2016, 12:37:15 PM »

My BPD son (27) found himself at a low point this week--only a few dollars in his bank account because he had spent impulsively, little food left,  the bathtub drain in his apt was badly clogged, his dishwasher broken, his rear view mirror even fell off of his windshield.  These kinds of things get everyone down, but he tends to curl up in a ball and do nothing.  He lives a few hours away but in the past I would have driven up there and tried to set everything right for him or would at least have transferred some money. This time I kept reminding myself that growth comes out of discomfort, and though I encouraged and advised, I didn't do anything for him.  Well, lo and behold, he contacted the rental property about the drain and dishwasher and got them fixed, started on the food stamp recertification (he's got a part-time job and his hours have been cut recently) and called the office to make sure he was doing it right, lived on some emergency provisions (from a Wise food kit of dehydrated food that I had bought from hsn months ago) that he's had for quite awhile and hasn't touched. He even went to a mechanic and got the mirror fixed.  Well, I'm sure that there will be plenty of backsliding ahead, but I hope that I can remember this week so that I offer less assistance in the future.  He said that he felt good after getting these things done.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #80 on: January 30, 2016, 03:44:57 PM »

Good job not jumping in to rescue him JE141!

Amazing what they will do for themselves when no one else does it for them.

Good example of supporting and encouraging JE141.
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« Reply #81 on: February 21, 2016, 11:00:30 AM »

I posted this news on a thread a couple of days ago, but thought it should be here in the archive of good news and breakthroughs. DD is 4th on the list for DBT and it will commence sometime in April.  We are so happy and relieved we did a little jig together. 

To provide those in the UK context, it will have been 12 months from diagnosis to treatment commencing.  Yes, boo hoo! My advice is once on the waiting list let your BPD's Dr know you will be regularly calling in for an update to find out where they are on the waiting list. Our experience has been they tell you it's way longer than it is, which is not helpful for those who want treatment, a realistic timeline is a positive to focus on. I hope that's helpful.

Daughter has been in the crisis house for the last two weeks and tonight she is coming for her first home visit. Supper, a good film, relaxing bath and bed 







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« Reply #82 on: February 24, 2016, 02:28:58 PM »

What a great board!  It is easy to focus on the negatives, but looking for the positives is so much more rewarding.  I am so thrilled that my daughter graduated from university (several years ago), despite wanting to drop out many times and a breakdown.  She made it! That was one of the happiest moments of my life.  She also is married to a man who loves her and takes good care of her and she has a job.  These are all the things I wished for her.  I may not be in her life right now, but knowing that she is happy, loved and taken care of, helps a lot.   I am so proud of her for accomplishing so much!  
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« Reply #83 on: February 28, 2016, 02:46:47 AM »

Hi

We went out yesterday evening as a family to celebrate my m-in-laws 84th birthday. Only the 5 of us. We spent about 2 hours completely relaxed. Bpds 25 was genuinely laughing when my husband was telling stories and reminiscing. There came a point when they both recalled a funny time spent together. A brief, but delicious experience that warmed out hearts. My younger son really enjoyed sharing with his older brother. I can't remember a time when we've truly enjoyed spending time together. I have hope.

11 weeks since BPDs returned home and we're building bridges and trust as I learn in this site. 

Thanks for reading

L
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« Reply #84 on: March 02, 2016, 05:21:53 PM »

Hi

We went out yesterday evening as a family to celebrate my m-in-laws 84th birthday. Only the 5 of us. We spent about 2 hours completely relaxed. Bpds 25 was genuinely laughing when my husband was telling stories and reminiscing. There came a point when they both recalled a funny time spent together. A brief, but delicious experience that warmed out hearts. My younger son really enjoyed sharing with his older brother. I can't remember a time when we've truly enjoyed spending time together. I have hope.

11 weeks since BPDs returned home and we're building bridges and trust as I learn in this site. 

Thanks for reading

L

Wonderful!
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« Reply #85 on: March 09, 2016, 01:09:11 PM »

The good news is:

Daughter spoke to her employer today (she has not worked for the last month due to crisis and was very nervous about the conversation).  He was really supportive and understanding (she had sent him her BPD blog to read a few weeks ago). He has suggested she go freelance over the next year so she can prioritise her recovery - DBT starts in April and other activities, to work for him when she is well and take time out if she needs to. He reckons freelancing will easily meet her current salary for less hours.  Daughter is pleased and excited, it's taken the pressure off her and provided the necessary flexibility to recover.  She's already thinking about her new freelancing website. The additional bonus is her job is there waiting for her whenever she wants it back!   Daughters father is a freelancer - he is to provide her a master class in the responsibilities of freelancing - eg submitting tax and national insurance.

Good to see employers can actively support our BPDs in their work.

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« Reply #86 on: March 09, 2016, 01:12:20 PM »

Your daughter is very fortunate to have a supportive boss and a flexible career!

Breaks like these are hard to come by, I'm so glad your d received it.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #87 on: March 09, 2016, 01:47:16 PM »

Hi wendydarlin

That's absolutely brilliant news for all of you. Her dad must feel good because he can practically help her too. What a great boss. I'm just so pleased for you. Also, the change over in medication went well too. Big smiles!

I also have a little bit of good news. I attempted an encouraging discussion with Bpds about seeking treatment. The conversation went really well and I'm hopeful Bpds will seek assessment soon. We entered into a natural and comfortable exchange and Bpds opened up and shared his feelings about being offered a room to rent (he got offered today) and his fear of alternately living on his own. He doesn't think either would work at the moment. This is the very first time he's ever initiated a talk about living independently locally, EVER. I managed it right and said we were all working hard, we all could try harder and that we were all exploring a way forward. We were not only realistic but optimistic that he would find his way toward to live a happy an independent life.  Bpds seemed to really appreciate this. Bpds then said "the reason I'm never at home is because I'm a pothead mum".  I honestly felt that I shouldn't carry on with the conversation as he already knows our feelings about this. I just let the comment hang in the air and said "ok". 

Importantly also, Bpds called his dad yesterday when he saw him in town - admittedly it was because he wanted to cadge a lift but a call to his dad is unheard of. I noticed this evening when Bpds left he made a point of wishing his dad a safe journey north - again, new behaviour emerging.

I'm a happy bunny today.

L

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« Reply #88 on: March 09, 2016, 02:02:43 PM »

Happy bunny... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


Smiling (click to insert in post)


I'm happy for you and your family.

lbj
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« Reply #89 on: March 12, 2016, 01:52:18 PM »

Further positive changes in BPDs25. He's shared his news that he has a new girlfriend and that he hopes to get her to meet us. I've suggested she come around when our younger son's girlfriend visits. I'm a little concerned about this news as Bpds finds relationships difficult plus she's only just 18, a 7 year gap. He doesn't do casual and he's quite old fashioned in this respect.  It's very early days. The conversation went well and he's unaware of my concerns. I hope she's a mature 18 as they may just meet somewhere in the middle. She's in college, hopes to go to uni in September and works - all good signs. The other news is that Bpds may just have found himself a job that would fit in well with his casual work. My fingers are crossed.

We feel very positive about how Bpds is opening up. He seems happy.

I'm learning to distance myself by not commenting, to let things be, to let him grow, while encouraging him to seek treatment.

Thanks

L
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