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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Seriously, what are the odds?  (Read 3113 times)
strikeforce
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« Reply #60 on: October 09, 2013, 02:29:20 PM »

Either it happens now or sometime in the future but rest assured the train will come off the track, and the further down the line this happens the worse the wreck will be.
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houseofswans
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« Reply #61 on: October 09, 2013, 02:46:04 PM »

You said that you weren't sure if she was BPD or just 'bonkers' - what behaviour in your ex prompted you to think it might be BPD?

I ask because I keep trying to justify to myself that mine isn't BPD/NPD, and it's just something else... .
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eyvindr
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: NC
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« Reply #62 on: October 09, 2013, 03:06:43 PM »

Feels like we're rehashing here a little, folks. Sometimes a refresher is helpful.

What BPD looks like:

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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
Eric1
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« Reply #63 on: October 09, 2013, 03:34:05 PM »

You said that you weren't sure if she was BPD or just 'bonkers' - what behaviour in your ex prompted you to think it might be BPD?

I ask because I keep trying to justify to myself that mine isn't BPD/NPD, and it's just something else... .

It's part of me is in denial, because she has friends, really good profession, she cares, is kind, is loving, funny, beautiful.

But, then she can be nasty, manipulative, angry, deceitful, physical.

We would go to sleep with her saying ' I love you so much' and by the next evening, she could be like 'you're a pr'ck, I don't know why im with you'

I've listed elsewhere what I went through, and it makes me laugh thinking I want to return.
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DownandOut
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« Reply #64 on: October 09, 2013, 03:50:52 PM »



It's part of me is in denial, because she has friends, really good profession, she cares, is kind, is loving, funny, beautiful.

But, then she can be nasty, manipulative, angry, deceitful, physical.

We would go to sleep with her saying ' I love you so much' and by the next evening, she could be like 'you're a pr'ck, I don't know why im with you'

I've listed elsewhere what I went through, and it makes me laugh thinking I want to return.[/quote]
I hear you brother, mine was everything you described. It went beyond the mirroring, she was objectively one of the greatest people to walk the earth; however, that dark side is really dark and will destroy you if you let it. The bottom line is you would have to take the good, which is good, with the bad, which is very, very bad to be with her and it's your choice whether or not you are willing to endure that dark side forever. My advice to you would be to wait it out and if she contacts you you need to tell her that the only way you'll be with her is if she gets help. Other than that, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of eternal torture and pain.
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Eric1
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« Reply #65 on: October 09, 2013, 04:15:48 PM »

It's part of me is in denial, because she has friends, really good profession, she cares, is kind, is loving, funny, beautiful.

But, then she can be nasty, manipulative, angry, deceitful, physical.

We would go to sleep with her saying ' I love you so much' and by the next evening, she could be like 'you're a pr'ck, I don't know why im with you'

I've listed elsewhere what I went through, and it makes me laugh thinking I want to return.

I hear you brother, mine was everything you described. It went beyond the mirroring, she was objectively one of the greatest people to walk the earth; however, that dark side is really dark and will destroy you if you let it. The bottom line is you would have to take the good, which is good, with the bad, which is very, very bad to be with her and it's your choice whether or not you are willing to endure that dark side forever. My advice to you would be to wait it out and if she contacts you you need to tell her that the only way you'll be with her is if she gets help. Other than that, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of eternal torture and pain.[/quote]
I honestly think I'm better set this time round. I know how it is. The good side is worth it haha

She won't contact, so it would be up to me. However, something is stopping me. So, I'm at loggerheads with myself.
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houseofswans
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« Reply #66 on: October 09, 2013, 04:18:06 PM »

Quote from: Eric1 link=topic=210969.msg12325103#msg12325103 date=1381353348[quote
She won't contact, so it would be up to me. However, something is stopping me. So, I'm at loggerheads with myself.

Exactly my conundrum... .
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Eric1
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« Reply #67 on: October 09, 2013, 04:25:51 PM »

Quote from: Eric1 link=topic=210969.msg12325103#msg12325103 date=1381353348[quote
She won't contact, so it would be up to me. However, something is stopping me. So, I'm at loggerheads with myself.

Exactly my conundrum... .

I keep telling myself 'just sleep on it' then I'll get through the next day, and say 'sleep on it'.

It'll be day 4 of no contact tomorrow. I said we shouldn't contact, so it would make me look weak.
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Tricky
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« Reply #68 on: October 09, 2013, 05:20:34 PM »

Hang in there, mate.

It will be hard to maintain NC, but there are people on this board rooting for you, Eric. People who've been thru similar feelings and painful times.

Don't be hard on yourself, you're not weak, you're trying to take some control of your future in very difficult circumstances. That shows a lot of strength and emotional intelligence.

Take care, and best of luck in the NC - one day at time, it will get easier.

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eyvindr
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: NC
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« Reply #69 on: October 09, 2013, 08:48:02 PM »

I was exactly where you were a year ago, Eric. Except that, after 2 mos of NC, she reached out to me.

I honestly think I'm better set this time round. I know how it is. The good side is worth it haha

I felt the same way -- had my head on straight, was armed with techniques I'd learned here, had a better understanding of the illness.

It's now a year later. Where am I?

Back here.

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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
Ironmanrises
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« Reply #70 on: October 09, 2013, 08:55:06 PM »

I second what Eyvinder said... .

I honestly thought... .

Armed with the knowledge... .

Of knowing... .

That she has this disorder... .

Would make a difference too... .

I was so wrong.


Made no difference.

At all.

She left again.

Her behavior towards me... .?

Almost identical... .

To round 1.

Yes... .

She was far nicer... .

In round 2 of idealization... .

But... .

That came at a price... .

See... .

Her devaluation... .

Of me... .

In round 2... .

With the discard... .

Was far more vicious... .

Then round 1.

That is what awaits you... .

If you allow the pwBPD... .

To return into your life.

Hell on earth.


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AliveButBeatup
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Relationship status: Getting a divorce --- after 9 months. :(
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« Reply #71 on: October 09, 2013, 10:05:29 PM »

It ruined my night. And yet, i still love her  

Do you love her, are you in love with her, or are you in love with the way she made you feel alive?

I love mine very much, or more accurately I love the version of her I've projected onto her.  I could never be in love with her because she just wouldn't get close enough and I doubt she's capable.  I was in love with the way I felt alive when I was with her, never a dull moment in the chaos of the disorder and I had to stay on my toes full time, somehow had more energy and didn't get tired.  My main focus now is creating that without her.

I like this post. Why?  It mirrors my thoughts and feelings. There never was a dull moment with the chaos. However, that not having a dull moment was at the expense of many other things.  I agree with you about the creating of that energy without our former BPD energy creators/problem creators.

ABB
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GreenMango
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« Reply #72 on: October 10, 2013, 01:04:29 AM »

Staff only

We have reached the 4 page limit on the thread so I need to lock this one up. Feel free to start a new thread.

Eric as I was rereading your thread and the mixed emotions you are having right now I thought the Grief Workshop might be a good one to link.  Maybe take a look at it.  Most members can find themselves in one of the stages of grieving.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

Thanks for everyone's participation  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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