Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 27, 2021, 01:10:18 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Seriously, what are the odds?  (Read 3114 times)
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« on: October 07, 2013, 10:05:58 AM »

We've both been in minimal contact, which hasn't favoured me as it gives a sense of flase hope & did slowly prevent me from fully forgetting about her.

However, saturday night. I went out for a friends birthday. I live in one of the biggest cities in the UK, stood outside one of the many clubs, i hear "Eric". Turn round, it's her.

She went in to pay, then came straight back out again. We hugged, she said some nice things, then said "You're not going to get with anyone infront of me are you? because i wouldn't do that to you" We went in to the club, she bought me a drink, then sorta lingered around the area where i was, even tho her friends were elsewhere. Later on, we went out for a cigerette together, she was very drunk. She said things like "you still love me don't you?" I told her that it's not fair asking that. She started to be ill, and who had to look after her... .me. I tried to get her friends to deal with it, but they didn't care. She wanted to sleep at my house at one stage, i said it was a bad idea, as she said she now has boyfriend. Low and behold, after her friends didn't do as she asked... .she raged at me  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I left the club, she tried calling me 18 times that night and texting "please call me im sorry i was a b+tch" etc

She tried calling the next day, I texted her and told her i would call later on. I did, she apologised. I then said we can no longer have any contact. No calls, no texting... .nothing. We spoke for a while, left the conversation on good terms. It did make me miss her, but seeing the rage whilst she was drunk brough back some harsh memories.

It ruined my night. And yet, i still love her  
Logged
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2013, 10:23:47 AM »

She is stalking you.

And she is with someone else.

I doubt that guy knows... .

That she is doing this.

His hell on earth... .

Is inbound.

Your best bet... .

Is to lay low.

Further contact from her... .

Will only hurt you.

Do not reply to any further messages from her.

She gets validation... .

Via those contacts.

Even negative replies... .

From you... .

Are a validation... .

For her disorder.

I know it hurts to have experienced that.

Hang in there.
Logged
Aussie0zborn
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 803



« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2013, 10:32:29 AM »

Yes, hang in there and maintain your stance.

What are the odds of bumping into her, you say? If you are both on the same scene and do the same things then yes you will bump into her. It's not a sign from above that you're meant to be together. In any case you handled it well.  Good on you!
Logged
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2013, 10:36:43 AM »

She had no way of knowing I would have been there. I doubt her new bloke knows she's been in so much contact with me.

She won't contact again. I told her that in her eyes, i now don't exsist. No phone calls, no texts. I'm off the radar. We did joke about it, but she agreed. I said that i do miss talking to her and she said like whys, but she doesn't know what the awnser is... .whatever thats supposed to mean.

Sorta messed me up again.

Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2013, 10:46:26 AM »

It ruined my night. And yet, i still love her  

Do you love her, are you in love with her, or are you in love with the way she made you feel alive?

I love mine very much, or more accurately I love the version of her I've projected onto her.  I could never be in love with her because she just wouldn't get close enough and I doubt she's capable.  I was in love with the way I felt alive when I was with her, never a dull moment in the chaos of the disorder and I had to stay on my toes full time, somehow had more energy and didn't get tired.  My main focus now is creating that without her.
Logged
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2013, 11:10:12 AM »

She has flaws. But I love her.
Logged
Learning_curve74
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1333



« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2013, 01:50:13 PM »

Can you love somebody without being with them? Sometimes that is the healthiest thing for both parties.

I'm sure there is a biochemical basis to how you feel Eric1. When you saw her, your brain fired those neurons that gave you the good feelings you had on the past and probably released the neurotransmitters that reinforce your addiction to her. Someday there may be a drug that blocks these things, but until then it's a matter of practicing until new patterns replace the old patterns.

Why do you need to talk to her? What is so special about her that you can't get from anybody else?

What do you mean that you love her? Do you mean to say that you value her well-being above your own? If so, then what are you doing that truly benefits her well-being? And is not just making yourself feel better?

Now is the time to be honest. When somebody else has been lying to you, it's not a good idea to pile on by lying to yourself. Not saying that you are, but this is the time to be brutally honest with yourself. Hang in there. 
Logged

fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2013, 02:08:00 PM »

Now is the time to be honest. When somebody else has been lying to you, it's not a good idea to pile on by lying to yourself.

Stunning!  Well put.  Thank you. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
Tricky
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 59



« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2013, 03:05:23 PM »

Loving a pwBPD can be a tyranny. And do you love her, or love how she made you feel in the (unrealistically) good times?

You deserve better.

NC is the best way. Good luck
Logged
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2013, 04:48:59 PM »

Can you love somebody without being with them? Sometimes that is the healthiest thing for both parties.

I'm sure there is a biochemical basis to how you feel Eric1. When you saw her, your brain fired those neurons that gave you the good feelings you had on the past and probably released the neurotransmitters that reinforce your addiction to her. Someday there may be a drug that blocks these things, but until then it's a matter of practicing until new patterns replace the old patterns.

Why do you need to talk to her? What is so special about her that you can't get from anybody else?

What do you mean that you love her? Do you mean to say that you value her well-being above your own? If so, then what are you doing that truly benefits her well-being? And is not just making yourself feel better?

Now is the time to be honest. When somebody else has been lying to you, it's not a good idea to pile on by lying to yourself. Not saying that you are, but this is the time to be brutally honest with yourself. Hang in there. 

I value myself, I really do. Without being egotistical I'm a liked guy. I get on with people, will chat to new people & have a great group of friends. I don't have an issue with women & I'm not scared of being alone. It's just all girls I've spoke to, been with etc haven't compared with my ex. I mean, there's a girl who really likes me, she's attractive and caring, loyal, calm. But, she's not my ex. My ex is, as we all know, a bit nuts and I should be thankful that I'm no longer on the receiving end of her abuse. But, I still love who she is, with her flaws. It's unconditional. I still think that the connection and bond we had was special.

I can't see how she would still want to be in contact with me if she was happy with her new boyfriend. If I was in a happy new relationship, I wouldn't contact my ex. It happened before, when an ex before this one got in touch.

I told her the reason why I can't have contact. So, from this point, there won't be any further contact from either side. I wish I knew what I was dealing with when I was with her, because if I had, then I could have dealt with the situations differently. I care about her... .I'm a sucker.
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2013, 05:26:45 PM »

My ex is, as we all know, a bit nuts and I should be thankful that I'm no longer on the receiving end of her abuse. But, I still love who she is, with her flaws. It's unconditional. I still think that the connection and bond we had was special.

Someone with BPD is an unformed self, so they need to attach to someone else to feel whole, and literally don't exist if they don't, so they get extremely good at mirroring the good they see in someone to form an attachment bond.  What I've come to accept is the person I fell in love with was ME, mirrored back to me by very attractive packaging.  Mirroring can only be maintained for a few months, and when we begin to question it and see who they really are underneath, the wheels fall off.  That might not be true in your case, but is something to think about if your ex has BPD or exhibits traits.

I can't see how she would still want to be in contact with me if she was happy with her new boyfriend. If I was in a happy new relationship, I wouldn't contact my ex. It happened before, when an ex before this one got in touch.

Because you're another attachment, and you might notice that her interest in you varies based on how well it's going with the new guy.  Technology makes it easy; mine had many guys on an emotional string throughout, didn't consider it cheating, I knew about it, and I chose to believe that when we built the stellar relationship I dreamt of those guys wouldn't be necessary.  Silly me, those guys will always be necessary, since there will never be extended periods of happiness and contentment for a BPD in a relationship.
Logged
Tricky
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 59



« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2013, 06:00:38 PM »

I am going to be direct, Eric1. Forgive me!

Of course no one compares to your ex - she is special, she is NOT in the normal range. You fell in love with an illness wrapped in a beautiful body. I'm willing to bet that your relationship was defined by that illness. It certainly was in my case. The story of our relationship was the story of her struggle with it, and her symptomatic behaviour.

You are not a sucker. It's natural to miss something 'special' and the emotional buzz that a pwBPD always carries with them. But she is dangerous for you. You know this, Why would you be on this site otherwise?

NC

Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2013, 09:55:13 PM »

What do you love about her?
Logged

Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2013, 03:11:19 AM »

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't detach because I can't move passed thinking shes my soulmate.

I was thinking of writing her an email, but I know nothing will come of it & it would destroy any small amount of pride I have left.
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2013, 03:18:57 AM »

You can write it here. 
Logged

Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2013, 05:17:24 AM »

I don't know what I would say. I've said it all before. I've never told her that i think she's my soul mate tho.

I try and put all the peices of the puzzle together... .The way she stayed in contact, the stuff she said etc

I still have false hope. The only plus side is we won't have any further contact.
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #16 on: October 08, 2013, 06:17:25 AM »

Well that last letter could just be for you - one you don't send but that helps you purge those thoughts and get some clarity on how you feel.

Ps I think her questions to you when you ran into each other where manipulative, inconsiderate and I would feel really screwed up too after listening to that garbage especially in light of the circumstances. 

Just a quick question would your soul mate be the type of person who while with you tells and does this with another man:

We hugged

She bought me a drink

"You're not going to get with anyone infront of me are you? because i wouldn't do that to you"

"you still love me don't you?"

She wanted to sleep at my house at one stage

I know this is hard to look at but its important.
Logged

Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2013, 06:23:54 AM »

Well that last letter could just be for you - one you don't send but that helps you purge those thoughts and get some clarity on how you feel.

Ps I think her questions to you when you ran into each other where manipulative, inconsiderate and I would feel really screwed up too after listening to that garbage especially in light of the circumstances.  

Just a quick question would your soul mate be the type of person who while with you tells and does this with another man:

We hugged

She bought me a drink

"You're not going to get with anyone infront of me are you? because i wouldn't do that to you"

"you still love me don't you?"

She wanted to sleep at my house at one stage

I know this is hard to look at but its important.

This is what is screwing with my head so much. I have so many un-answered questions. If she is doing this with her new bloke, what was she doing when she was with me? I really thought she was different. I don't know what to beleive anymore.

When she said about staying at my house, I said I don't think it’s a good idea, she said it was just to sleep because she was so drunk and ill. She then asked if it counts as cheating. When I spoke to her about this the following day, she said it had no ulterior motives, it was purely just somewhere to sleep.

She keeps, to this day, saying i'm the only one that understands her.

Her friends were pleased to see me. One of them said she loved me (in a friends way) and was dancing with me (shes married), saying her husband misses me (who's my ex friend)  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged
eeyore
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: in a relationship
Posts: 5927



« Reply #18 on: October 08, 2013, 06:26:19 AM »

I don't know what I would say. I've said it all before. I've never told her that i think she's my soul mate tho.

I try and put all the peices of the puzzle together... .The way she stayed in contact, the stuff she said etc

I still have false hope. The only plus side is we won't have any further contact.

We don't have any control over who we have or don't have chemistry with.  While you may have met other very nice women they didn't have the chemistry you seek... .yet.  It hasn't been that long.  In time I believe if you stay away you will find another woman that you have even better chemistry with.  One that doesn't direct rage at you for no good reason.  One that is truly your soul mate.  One you can develop strong healthy bonds with.  
Logged
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2013, 07:13:24 AM »

It hurts so much knowing she is happy in a new relationship. And, she has the best of both worlds... .an ex who pines for her and a new boyfriend who validates her.

She took pleasure in telling me she had a boyfriend. When i said i had been seeing someone too, all she said wass "i bet she isn't as good as me tho"

Logged
eeyore
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: in a relationship
Posts: 5927



« Reply #20 on: October 08, 2013, 07:17:08 AM »

She took pleasure in telling me she had a boyfriend. When i said i had been seeing someone too, all she said was "i bet she isn't as good as me tho"

Classic abuse. Make you doubt your worth.  Eric1 you are worthy of a person who will challenge and excite you while at the same time be your best friend and soul mate.  You have wonderful qualities that are loveable. 
Logged
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #21 on: October 08, 2013, 07:25:49 AM »

And yet, after all this, i still want to be with her.
Logged
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #22 on: October 08, 2013, 09:05:06 AM »

I just want to ask her... .

Are you happy?

Logged
emotionaholic
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 226



« Reply #23 on: October 08, 2013, 09:27:11 AM »

Eric1

You know as well as the rest of us that she is not happy.  She may seem happy in front of you, her friends, and her new guy, but deep down she is not.  It is all a front.  Deep inside she is miserable.  She was before you, with you, and after you.  She is and always will be one step away from a split atom.
Logged
eeyore
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: in a relationship
Posts: 5927



« Reply #24 on: October 08, 2013, 09:38:42 AM »

It's all about moments in time.  At one moment in time she may feel the happiest she's ever felt.   Another moment she feels the worst she's ever felt.  That's what happens when person doesn't have emotional maturity.  Go to a amusement park at about 4 pm in the evening.  You'll see it's just like the children that are tired and haven't gotten their naps.  They whine, cry, lash out.  Earlier in the day they are happy smiles on their faces.  That's how they feel at each of those moments in time. 

Try not to torture yourself.  This is now about how you get your mojo back?  What can you do to know you will one day be happier than you have ever been.  More content and at peace than you have ever been.  How will you feel?

Logged
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #25 on: October 08, 2013, 09:42:16 AM »

I want to wake up & not think about her. Not anaylize everything thats been said, that happened.

I never thought i'd get over my previous ex, i then met this ex and completely got over the previous one. I think there will be a part of her that is always ingrained into me.

I was doing so well last week. Yeah, she contacted etc, but i was ok. That saturday, and hearing the words 'i have a boyfriend' has destroyed me.
Logged
Lao Tzu
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 213


« Reply #26 on: October 08, 2013, 09:47:40 AM »

Dear Eric,

    We are all, really, in exactly the same position to a greater or lesser extent, so don't feel bad about how you're feeling here.  The plain fact is that that you will never meet anyone you feel as much love for as you do her.  The very challenging part to accept is the reason for this and what it implies for your future.  Let's start with the understanding that our r/s is unusual.  You know also that the unusual part, really is her.  You speak about her as if she were healthy, and yet you understand intellectually that she isn't.  

    Your soul mate isn't a sick girl who just reflects your image back to you.  If you have a soul mate out there she will be a much less interesting person who is just herself, not a mirror of you. You will get out of this conundrum when you can accept the hard fact that this fascination with the pwBPD might be narcissism to some degree.  I don't know you and I don't mean any insult.  Perhaps I'm just talking about me, but for me this has been the key -- and I think it's true for many of us.

LT
Logged
Eric1
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540


« Reply #27 on: October 08, 2013, 09:56:44 AM »

Dear Eric,

    We are all, really, in exactly the same position to a greater or lesser extent, so don't feel bad about how you're feeling here.  The plain fact is that that you will never meet anyone you feel as much love for as you do her.  The very challenging part to accept is the reason for this and what it implies for your future.  Let's start with the understanding that our r/s is unusual.  You know also that the unusual part, really is her.  You speak about her as if she were healthy, and yet you understand intellectually that she isn't.  

    Your soul mate isn't a sick girl who just reflects your image back to you.  If you have a soul mate out there she will be a much less interesting person who is just herself, not a mirror of you. You will get out of this conundrum when you can accept the hard fact that this fascination with the pwBPD might be narcissism to some degree.  I don't know you and I don't mean any insult.  Perhaps I'm just talking about me, but for me this has been the key -- and I think it's true for many of us.

LT

I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm in denial that there is something seriously wrong with her. I know there is something going on up there, but whether it is BPD etc I do not know.

So, i'm narcassitic? I don't understand.
Logged
Lao Tzu
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 213


« Reply #28 on: October 08, 2013, 10:13:47 AM »

Dear Eric,

     Maybe you aren't narcissistic.  I was talking about myself and just suggesting the possibility for you in order to explain why you can't find anyone to compare with her.  The starting point really is whether you really think she's normal or not.  Your heart wants to believe she's just a normal kid who's a little messed up (like all of us). After all, what is the hard proof that she's BPD?  There isn't any; even if a psychiatrist diagnosed her as BPD, he might be wrong.  It's a great argument for your heart to make as there never will be any hard proof.  The problem is that your mind is obviously very strong and it just won't accept an argument that you know is wrong.  My advice is to listen to your head on this.  I think you know she's really ill, you just don't want to accept it.  I still fight this many days myself.

LT
Logged
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #29 on: October 08, 2013, 10:18:10 AM »

Eric,

Her continued contact with you... .

Is keeping you... .

In that state of FOG.

It is what is keeping you... .

From properly healing... .

Almost like a structure... .

You are beginning to build... .

On sand... .

On the beach... .

But are too close to the water... .

And the waves(her contact with you)... .

Is just enough... .

To erode... .

The small beginnings... .

Of that very structure(your healing)... .

Hang in there Eric.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!