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Author Topic: Seriously, what are the odds?  (Read 3111 times)
Eric1
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« on: October 07, 2013, 10:05:58 AM »

We've both been in minimal contact, which hasn't favoured me as it gives a sense of flase hope & did slowly prevent me from fully forgetting about her.

However, saturday night. I went out for a friends birthday. I live in one of the biggest cities in the UK, stood outside one of the many clubs, i hear "Eric". Turn round, it's her.

She went in to pay, then came straight back out again. We hugged, she said some nice things, then said "You're not going to get with anyone infront of me are you? because i wouldn't do that to you" We went in to the club, she bought me a drink, then sorta lingered around the area where i was, even tho her friends were elsewhere. Later on, we went out for a cigerette together, she was very drunk. She said things like "you still love me don't you?" I told her that it's not fair asking that. She started to be ill, and who had to look after her... .me. I tried to get her friends to deal with it, but they didn't care. She wanted to sleep at my house at one stage, i said it was a bad idea, as she said she now has boyfriend. Low and behold, after her friends didn't do as she asked... .she raged at me  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I left the club, she tried calling me 18 times that night and texting "please call me im sorry i was a b+tch" etc

She tried calling the next day, I texted her and told her i would call later on. I did, she apologised. I then said we can no longer have any contact. No calls, no texting... .nothing. We spoke for a while, left the conversation on good terms. It did make me miss her, but seeing the rage whilst she was drunk brough back some harsh memories.

It ruined my night. And yet, i still love her  
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2013, 10:23:47 AM »

She is stalking you.

And she is with someone else.

I doubt that guy knows... .

That she is doing this.

His hell on earth... .

Is inbound.

Your best bet... .

Is to lay low.

Further contact from her... .

Will only hurt you.

Do not reply to any further messages from her.

She gets validation... .

Via those contacts.

Even negative replies... .

From you... .

Are a validation... .

For her disorder.

I know it hurts to have experienced that.

Hang in there.
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2013, 10:32:29 AM »

Yes, hang in there and maintain your stance.

What are the odds of bumping into her, you say? If you are both on the same scene and do the same things then yes you will bump into her. It's not a sign from above that you're meant to be together. In any case you handled it well.  Good on you!
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Eric1
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« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2013, 10:36:43 AM »

She had no way of knowing I would have been there. I doubt her new bloke knows she's been in so much contact with me.

She won't contact again. I told her that in her eyes, i now don't exsist. No phone calls, no texts. I'm off the radar. We did joke about it, but she agreed. I said that i do miss talking to her and she said like whys, but she doesn't know what the awnser is... .whatever thats supposed to mean.

Sorta messed me up again.

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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2013, 10:46:26 AM »

It ruined my night. And yet, i still love her  

Do you love her, are you in love with her, or are you in love with the way she made you feel alive?

I love mine very much, or more accurately I love the version of her I've projected onto her.  I could never be in love with her because she just wouldn't get close enough and I doubt she's capable.  I was in love with the way I felt alive when I was with her, never a dull moment in the chaos of the disorder and I had to stay on my toes full time, somehow had more energy and didn't get tired.  My main focus now is creating that without her.
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Eric1
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« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2013, 11:10:12 AM »

She has flaws. But I love her.
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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2013, 01:50:13 PM »

Can you love somebody without being with them? Sometimes that is the healthiest thing for both parties.

I'm sure there is a biochemical basis to how you feel Eric1. When you saw her, your brain fired those neurons that gave you the good feelings you had on the past and probably released the neurotransmitters that reinforce your addiction to her. Someday there may be a drug that blocks these things, but until then it's a matter of practicing until new patterns replace the old patterns.

Why do you need to talk to her? What is so special about her that you can't get from anybody else?

What do you mean that you love her? Do you mean to say that you value her well-being above your own? If so, then what are you doing that truly benefits her well-being? And is not just making yourself feel better?

Now is the time to be honest. When somebody else has been lying to you, it's not a good idea to pile on by lying to yourself. Not saying that you are, but this is the time to be brutally honest with yourself. Hang in there. 
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2013, 02:08:00 PM »

Now is the time to be honest. When somebody else has been lying to you, it's not a good idea to pile on by lying to yourself.

Stunning!  Well put.  Thank you. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2013, 03:05:23 PM »

Loving a pwBPD can be a tyranny. And do you love her, or love how she made you feel in the (unrealistically) good times?

You deserve better.

NC is the best way. Good luck
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Eric1
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« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2013, 04:48:59 PM »

Can you love somebody without being with them? Sometimes that is the healthiest thing for both parties.

I'm sure there is a biochemical basis to how you feel Eric1. When you saw her, your brain fired those neurons that gave you the good feelings you had on the past and probably released the neurotransmitters that reinforce your addiction to her. Someday there may be a drug that blocks these things, but until then it's a matter of practicing until new patterns replace the old patterns.

Why do you need to talk to her? What is so special about her that you can't get from anybody else?

What do you mean that you love her? Do you mean to say that you value her well-being above your own? If so, then what are you doing that truly benefits her well-being? And is not just making yourself feel better?

Now is the time to be honest. When somebody else has been lying to you, it's not a good idea to pile on by lying to yourself. Not saying that you are, but this is the time to be brutally honest with yourself. Hang in there. 

I value myself, I really do. Without being egotistical I'm a liked guy. I get on with people, will chat to new people & have a great group of friends. I don't have an issue with women & I'm not scared of being alone. It's just all girls I've spoke to, been with etc haven't compared with my ex. I mean, there's a girl who really likes me, she's attractive and caring, loyal, calm. But, she's not my ex. My ex is, as we all know, a bit nuts and I should be thankful that I'm no longer on the receiving end of her abuse. But, I still love who she is, with her flaws. It's unconditional. I still think that the connection and bond we had was special.

I can't see how she would still want to be in contact with me if she was happy with her new boyfriend. If I was in a happy new relationship, I wouldn't contact my ex. It happened before, when an ex before this one got in touch.

I told her the reason why I can't have contact. So, from this point, there won't be any further contact from either side. I wish I knew what I was dealing with when I was with her, because if I had, then I could have dealt with the situations differently. I care about her... .I'm a sucker.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2013, 05:26:45 PM »

My ex is, as we all know, a bit nuts and I should be thankful that I'm no longer on the receiving end of her abuse. But, I still love who she is, with her flaws. It's unconditional. I still think that the connection and bond we had was special.

Someone with BPD is an unformed self, so they need to attach to someone else to feel whole, and literally don't exist if they don't, so they get extremely good at mirroring the good they see in someone to form an attachment bond.  What I've come to accept is the person I fell in love with was ME, mirrored back to me by very attractive packaging.  Mirroring can only be maintained for a few months, and when we begin to question it and see who they really are underneath, the wheels fall off.  That might not be true in your case, but is something to think about if your ex has BPD or exhibits traits.

I can't see how she would still want to be in contact with me if she was happy with her new boyfriend. If I was in a happy new relationship, I wouldn't contact my ex. It happened before, when an ex before this one got in touch.

Because you're another attachment, and you might notice that her interest in you varies based on how well it's going with the new guy.  Technology makes it easy; mine had many guys on an emotional string throughout, didn't consider it cheating, I knew about it, and I chose to believe that when we built the stellar relationship I dreamt of those guys wouldn't be necessary.  Silly me, those guys will always be necessary, since there will never be extended periods of happiness and contentment for a BPD in a relationship.
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« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2013, 06:00:38 PM »

I am going to be direct, Eric1. Forgive me!

Of course no one compares to your ex - she is special, she is NOT in the normal range. You fell in love with an illness wrapped in a beautiful body. I'm willing to bet that your relationship was defined by that illness. It certainly was in my case. The story of our relationship was the story of her struggle with it, and her symptomatic behaviour.

You are not a sucker. It's natural to miss something 'special' and the emotional buzz that a pwBPD always carries with them. But she is dangerous for you. You know this, Why would you be on this site otherwise?

NC

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GreenMango
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« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2013, 09:55:13 PM »

What do you love about her?
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Eric1
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« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2013, 03:11:19 AM »

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't detach because I can't move passed thinking shes my soulmate.

I was thinking of writing her an email, but I know nothing will come of it & it would destroy any small amount of pride I have left.
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« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2013, 03:18:57 AM »

You can write it here. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2013, 05:17:24 AM »

I don't know what I would say. I've said it all before. I've never told her that i think she's my soul mate tho.

I try and put all the peices of the puzzle together... .The way she stayed in contact, the stuff she said etc

I still have false hope. The only plus side is we won't have any further contact.
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« Reply #16 on: October 08, 2013, 06:17:25 AM »

Well that last letter could just be for you - one you don't send but that helps you purge those thoughts and get some clarity on how you feel.

Ps I think her questions to you when you ran into each other where manipulative, inconsiderate and I would feel really screwed up too after listening to that garbage especially in light of the circumstances. 

Just a quick question would your soul mate be the type of person who while with you tells and does this with another man:

We hugged

She bought me a drink

"You're not going to get with anyone infront of me are you? because i wouldn't do that to you"

"you still love me don't you?"

She wanted to sleep at my house at one stage

I know this is hard to look at but its important.
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Eric1
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« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2013, 06:23:54 AM »

Well that last letter could just be for you - one you don't send but that helps you purge those thoughts and get some clarity on how you feel.

Ps I think her questions to you when you ran into each other where manipulative, inconsiderate and I would feel really screwed up too after listening to that garbage especially in light of the circumstances.  

Just a quick question would your soul mate be the type of person who while with you tells and does this with another man:

We hugged

She bought me a drink

"You're not going to get with anyone infront of me are you? because i wouldn't do that to you"

"you still love me don't you?"

She wanted to sleep at my house at one stage

I know this is hard to look at but its important.

This is what is screwing with my head so much. I have so many un-answered questions. If she is doing this with her new bloke, what was she doing when she was with me? I really thought she was different. I don't know what to beleive anymore.

When she said about staying at my house, I said I don't think it’s a good idea, she said it was just to sleep because she was so drunk and ill. She then asked if it counts as cheating. When I spoke to her about this the following day, she said it had no ulterior motives, it was purely just somewhere to sleep.

She keeps, to this day, saying i'm the only one that understands her.

Her friends were pleased to see me. One of them said she loved me (in a friends way) and was dancing with me (shes married), saying her husband misses me (who's my ex friend)  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #18 on: October 08, 2013, 06:26:19 AM »

I don't know what I would say. I've said it all before. I've never told her that i think she's my soul mate tho.

I try and put all the peices of the puzzle together... .The way she stayed in contact, the stuff she said etc

I still have false hope. The only plus side is we won't have any further contact.

We don't have any control over who we have or don't have chemistry with.  While you may have met other very nice women they didn't have the chemistry you seek... .yet.  It hasn't been that long.  In time I believe if you stay away you will find another woman that you have even better chemistry with.  One that doesn't direct rage at you for no good reason.  One that is truly your soul mate.  One you can develop strong healthy bonds with.  
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Eric1
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« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2013, 07:13:24 AM »

It hurts so much knowing she is happy in a new relationship. And, she has the best of both worlds... .an ex who pines for her and a new boyfriend who validates her.

She took pleasure in telling me she had a boyfriend. When i said i had been seeing someone too, all she said wass "i bet she isn't as good as me tho"

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« Reply #20 on: October 08, 2013, 07:17:08 AM »

She took pleasure in telling me she had a boyfriend. When i said i had been seeing someone too, all she said was "i bet she isn't as good as me tho"

Classic abuse. Make you doubt your worth.  Eric1 you are worthy of a person who will challenge and excite you while at the same time be your best friend and soul mate.  You have wonderful qualities that are loveable. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #21 on: October 08, 2013, 07:25:49 AM »

And yet, after all this, i still want to be with her.
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Eric1
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« Reply #22 on: October 08, 2013, 09:05:06 AM »

I just want to ask her... .

Are you happy?

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« Reply #23 on: October 08, 2013, 09:27:11 AM »

Eric1

You know as well as the rest of us that she is not happy.  She may seem happy in front of you, her friends, and her new guy, but deep down she is not.  It is all a front.  Deep inside she is miserable.  She was before you, with you, and after you.  She is and always will be one step away from a split atom.
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« Reply #24 on: October 08, 2013, 09:38:42 AM »

It's all about moments in time.  At one moment in time she may feel the happiest she's ever felt.   Another moment she feels the worst she's ever felt.  That's what happens when person doesn't have emotional maturity.  Go to a amusement park at about 4 pm in the evening.  You'll see it's just like the children that are tired and haven't gotten their naps.  They whine, cry, lash out.  Earlier in the day they are happy smiles on their faces.  That's how they feel at each of those moments in time. 

Try not to torture yourself.  This is now about how you get your mojo back?  What can you do to know you will one day be happier than you have ever been.  More content and at peace than you have ever been.  How will you feel?

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Eric1
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« Reply #25 on: October 08, 2013, 09:42:16 AM »

I want to wake up & not think about her. Not anaylize everything thats been said, that happened.

I never thought i'd get over my previous ex, i then met this ex and completely got over the previous one. I think there will be a part of her that is always ingrained into me.

I was doing so well last week. Yeah, she contacted etc, but i was ok. That saturday, and hearing the words 'i have a boyfriend' has destroyed me.
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« Reply #26 on: October 08, 2013, 09:47:40 AM »

Dear Eric,

    We are all, really, in exactly the same position to a greater or lesser extent, so don't feel bad about how you're feeling here.  The plain fact is that that you will never meet anyone you feel as much love for as you do her.  The very challenging part to accept is the reason for this and what it implies for your future.  Let's start with the understanding that our r/s is unusual.  You know also that the unusual part, really is her.  You speak about her as if she were healthy, and yet you understand intellectually that she isn't.  

    Your soul mate isn't a sick girl who just reflects your image back to you.  If you have a soul mate out there she will be a much less interesting person who is just herself, not a mirror of you. You will get out of this conundrum when you can accept the hard fact that this fascination with the pwBPD might be narcissism to some degree.  I don't know you and I don't mean any insult.  Perhaps I'm just talking about me, but for me this has been the key -- and I think it's true for many of us.

LT
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Eric1
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« Reply #27 on: October 08, 2013, 09:56:44 AM »

Dear Eric,

    We are all, really, in exactly the same position to a greater or lesser extent, so don't feel bad about how you're feeling here.  The plain fact is that that you will never meet anyone you feel as much love for as you do her.  The very challenging part to accept is the reason for this and what it implies for your future.  Let's start with the understanding that our r/s is unusual.  You know also that the unusual part, really is her.  You speak about her as if she were healthy, and yet you understand intellectually that she isn't.  

    Your soul mate isn't a sick girl who just reflects your image back to you.  If you have a soul mate out there she will be a much less interesting person who is just herself, not a mirror of you. You will get out of this conundrum when you can accept the hard fact that this fascination with the pwBPD might be narcissism to some degree.  I don't know you and I don't mean any insult.  Perhaps I'm just talking about me, but for me this has been the key -- and I think it's true for many of us.

LT

I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm in denial that there is something seriously wrong with her. I know there is something going on up there, but whether it is BPD etc I do not know.

So, i'm narcassitic? I don't understand.
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« Reply #28 on: October 08, 2013, 10:13:47 AM »

Dear Eric,

     Maybe you aren't narcissistic.  I was talking about myself and just suggesting the possibility for you in order to explain why you can't find anyone to compare with her.  The starting point really is whether you really think she's normal or not.  Your heart wants to believe she's just a normal kid who's a little messed up (like all of us). After all, what is the hard proof that she's BPD?  There isn't any; even if a psychiatrist diagnosed her as BPD, he might be wrong.  It's a great argument for your heart to make as there never will be any hard proof.  The problem is that your mind is obviously very strong and it just won't accept an argument that you know is wrong.  My advice is to listen to your head on this.  I think you know she's really ill, you just don't want to accept it.  I still fight this many days myself.

LT
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« Reply #29 on: October 08, 2013, 10:18:10 AM »

Eric,

Her continued contact with you... .

Is keeping you... .

In that state of FOG.

It is what is keeping you... .

From properly healing... .

Almost like a structure... .

You are beginning to build... .

On sand... .

On the beach... .

But are too close to the water... .

And the waves(her contact with you)... .

Is just enough... .

To erode... .

The small beginnings... .

Of that very structure(your healing)... .

Hang in there Eric.
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Eric1
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« Reply #30 on: October 08, 2013, 10:21:06 AM »

Dear Eric,

     Maybe you aren't narcissistic.  I was talking about myself and just suggesting the possibility for you in order to explain why you can't find anyone to compare with her.  The starting point really is whether you really think she's normal or not.  Your heart wants to believe she's just a normal kid who's a little messed up (like all of us). After all, what is the hard proof that she's BPD?  There isn't any; even if a psychiatrist diagnosed her as BPD, he might be wrong.  It's a great argument for your heart to make as there never will be any hard proof.  The problem is that your mind is obviously very strong and it just won't accept an argument that you know is wrong.  My advice is to listen to your head on this.  I think you know she's really ill, you just don't want to accept it.  I still fight this many days myself.

LT

I think the reason i can't compare, is i haven't ever been in such a passionate, volatile, emotional relationship before. The highs were high, the lows were low. But, when the common ground was found, it was great.

Some friends have said shes a bit mad, her brother told me that he doesn't know how i put up with her (& shes difficult), so some people can see it.

I was just going to ask her flat outright... .do you think we're soul mates?

Eric,

Her continued contact with you... .

Is keeping you... .

In that state of FOG.

It is what is keeping you... .

From properly healing... .

Almost like a structure... .

You are beginning to build... .

On sand... .

On the beach... .

But are too close to the water... .

And the waves(her contact with you)... .

Is just enough... .

To erode... .

The small beginnings... .

Of that very structure(your healing)... .

Hang in there Eric.

It's a very good way of putting it, ironman. Which is why i stipulated the last time we spoke for no more contact.

But, its hard to do.
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« Reply #31 on: October 08, 2013, 10:29:19 AM »

My exBPDgf replaced me within a week, but didn't do too much to let me know about it. I went out one night on a date about a week and a half after we broke up just to try to get my mind back to normal and my ego re-inflated. I walk into the restaurant and I see her good friend and her fiancé. They must have immediately told her I was out with someone else (I even saw they were trying to take pictures of the girl I was with). The next day, her new sucker is rubbed in my face! From that point on it was a social media blitz to hurt me. I would have given up a lot to be with this girl, and I did, and she did everything in her power to hurt me. I don't get it. It hurts but if she's willing to hurt someone who did so much for her then this new guy doesn't have a chance if hes not half the man I am.
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Eric1
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« Reply #32 on: October 08, 2013, 11:10:46 AM »

I do want to ask her... .

Do you think we are soul-mates?

There can only be three outcomes. Yes, No or ignored.
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« Reply #33 on: October 08, 2013, 01:58:29 PM »

Dear Eric,

      "There can only be three outcomes. Yes, No or ignored"  ... .and all three are likely to be wrong, as she doesn't understand what a soul mate really is.  What matters is what you think.  You do know what it means and you can find that person for real.  Reall... .not an image.  We're here for you man.  This sucks.

LT
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« Reply #34 on: October 08, 2013, 03:47:10 PM »

I just need awnsers from her.

At least then i can stop analysing.

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« Reply #35 on: October 08, 2013, 03:57:45 PM »

I just need awnsers from her.

At least then i can stop analysing.

Eric1, I'm going to give you some "tough love" here... .  You are asking why the hurricane came and blew away the town. It cannot answer you. There is nothing the hurricane can answer for you, only that you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and ask yourself why didn't you get out of the path of the hurricane when you saw it coming.

Her actions already give you all the answers you need. A person's words have no value when they contradict that person's actions.
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« Reply #36 on: October 08, 2013, 03:59:33 PM »

Eric,

I've been where you are. There are no answers. That is the evil of this disorder. We will never have closure... .ever. We must simply move on. If you were soul mates she would work just as hard to make it work as you do. She doesn't. That has to tell you something. As I've mentioned in other threads, I knew that my supposed soulmate wasn't even my good friend was when I spilled my guts to her about every feeling, every odd coincidence that would make it seem as if we were really meant to be together, all that I was willing to do for her and all the support I was willing to give her to get through whatever was troubling her and the only response I got from her was "I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I never go against my feelings." Well, that was it. If you're willing to fight harder for the relationship than she is... .it's not worth it. That should be the only thing you need when you're looking for any type of closure.
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« Reply #37 on: October 08, 2013, 04:37:52 PM »

Well said, DownandOut.

Eric, if you ask her if you are soul mates, you will get the same answer as you already have over and over.  Her answer will be, "Yes and no and maybe."  That is the hurricane... .all at once, with different emphasis at different times.  Trying to get her to pick one is like trying to redirect a hurricane.

As LaoTzu has emphasized, analyzing the weather map to determine the path of the hurricane will bring you no wisdom or peace.  The only way to gain that is to look within yourself to see if this is what you want.  Your answers are within you, not her.  Analyze yourself, not her.
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« Reply #38 on: October 09, 2013, 03:34:31 AM »

The only awnser i really should be looking for is "Why do you still love her?"

Because I do. There's no kidding myself. If she came back, i would take her back.

I'm trying everything, staying occupied, chatting to other girls, working out, but nothings changing. She's still on my mind 24/7.

It's been over 3 months now. I can't see anything changing.
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« Reply #39 on: October 09, 2013, 06:16:18 AM »

I thought it was love too but once I moved on I realized it wasn't love.

How can you love an abuser, even when its not their fault?
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« Reply #40 on: October 09, 2013, 06:56:30 AM »

I thought it was love too but once I moved on I realized it wasn't love.

How can you love an abuser, even when its not their fault?

Through all the good and bad, all her flaws, i still think she's the one.

I've got serious oneitis.
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« Reply #41 on: October 09, 2013, 07:12:14 AM »

I thought it was love too but once I moved on I realized it wasn't love.

How can you love an abuser, even when its not their fault?

Through all the good and bad, all her flaws, i still think she's the one.

I've got serious oneitis.

I was exactly the same. Out of all my R/S she was the worst but still the one I wanted.

If its meant to be then it'll be - but for now focus on your own healing.
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« Reply #42 on: October 09, 2013, 07:22:37 AM »

I thought it was love too but once I moved on I realized it wasn't love.

How can you love an abuser, even when its not their fault?

Through all the good and bad, all her flaws, i still think she's the one.

I've got serious oneitis.

I was exactly the same. Out of all my R/S she was the worst but still the one I wanted.

If its meant to be then it'll be - but for now focus on your own healing.

This is what i want to tell her. That, we need to be with other people to work out if we are meant to be together etc etc And that i think shes my soul mate.

But, I said we can't contact. So... .
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« Reply #43 on: October 09, 2013, 07:28:28 AM »

Any contact you have with her at this point will only prove to be more confusion, more mixed messages, more anguish. 
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« Reply #44 on: October 09, 2013, 09:17:42 AM »

Eric1 my friend,

     We're all hosting a battle between our hearts and our minds.  Your heart may need to take its lessons directly from the anguish and pain you will feel when you attempt to reconnect with her rather than listen to the wise guidance from your brain.  It is a much less pleasant way to learn, but if you go back and get hurt again enough times even your heart will learn to avoid this.  People have expressed it here a bit more colorfully as having coitus with a dead skunk until you decide you can't stand the smell.  Be that as it may, wiser heads than mine have suggested sometimes that if you need to go back in order to heal, then that's what you should do.  Its a delusion, I suspect, that you'll ever make any real progress in the r/s, but you may need to prove that to yourself a few more times. 

     Our advice here, I imagine, is what you will eventually come to believe even in your heart, and then you can take your place with the rest of us trying to warn people off from hurting themselves again.  Letting go is a process, not a decision.  You will have to find your own way in that process.  Please know that we're here for you anytime, though. 

LT
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« Reply #45 on: October 09, 2013, 09:49:20 AM »

Make a decision.  If you want her go get her.  If not, erase every shred of her from your life, focus on a future without her, and get busy.  Do it today.
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« Reply #46 on: October 09, 2013, 10:23:29 AM »

Eric --

I feel for you, bud. I really do. I've been there, as have so many others here.

Some more tough love, if I may... .

This is what is screwing with my head so much. I have so many un-answered questions. If she is doing this with her new bloke, what was she doing when she was with me? I really thought she was different. I don't know what to believe anymore.

R-ships with pwBPD are ALL unanswered questions, Eric. When you were together, was anything clear? did anything make sense? Why would it now? Find peace in knowing that, at least now, you don't have to deal with it. You aren't obligated to figure this out, Eric, for you or her.

When she said about staying at my house, I said I don't think it’s a good idea, she said it was just to sleep because she was so drunk and ill. She then asked if it counts as cheating. When I spoke to her about this the following day, she said it had no ulterior motives, it was purely just somewhere to sleep.

She can say anything she wants to, Eric -- there's nothing to back up or refute her claim. It means nothing.

She keeps, to this day, saying i'm the only one that understands her.

Translation: You may be the only one who tolerates the chaos she creates. My ex told me the same thing -- very empowering (read: manipulative). I may have believed in her, or wanted to, and I was accepting of her -- but I never understood her. You can't understand madness.

It's been over 3 months now. I can't see anything changing.

Nothing changes without changes being made, Eric. You're the one who has to make them, not her -- she can't.

And, with all due respect, on the soulmate issue -- think about it, Eric. How many other people are on the planet? What are the odds there?

And, really -- if it's a benevolent Universe, if she were your soulmate, would she have BPD? I think not. Because the Universe isn't an ___hole, and you deserve better.

"Feelings aren't facts," right? Isn't that what we all wish the pwBPD in our lives could truly accept and understand?

Holds true for us, too. You're doing well. You stood up to her by not giving in to her the other night. You're using the boards to get all of this crap out of your system -- which is what these boards are for. Keep doing it. Stay strong, Eric.

Hang in there.
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« Reply #47 on: October 09, 2013, 10:34:26 AM »

I just need awnsers from her.

At least then i can stop analysing.

I wanted this too.  I thought it would help.

When I did get answers ... .If that is what you would call them only served to increase the confusion.

I finally realized that I wasn't going to get answers from someone who didn't have answers for them self. 

Seriously think about the times you have asked for explanation and think about that explanation.  Did it make a lick of sense?

A good one from this thread is when she rationalized the sleeping over.  Seriously - not a lick of sense.  Has a boyfriend, wants you to love her still, and insists she's only sleeping on the sofa?  Sure she was.

She doesn't have answers Eric.  She just reacts. 
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« Reply #48 on: October 09, 2013, 10:42:49 AM »

eyvindr,

I do understand her to a degree now. I know she is generally bonkers. Whether it is BPD, i don't know. But, something doesn't add up.

Most blokes would have thanked there lucky stars, or left the relationship when the going got tough. I think the love blinded me, it's quite a powerful emotion.

There is this fight still in me. It's like I just can't call it a day.

One minute i feel like - You're better off, don't go back, you can't trust her. Then as soon as i think that, i tell myself - Nah, shes the one for you.

greenmango,

Thats what i said to her the next day. I said "It could have been a lot worse, as you wanted to come back to my house"

She said ":)on't take it the wrong way, it was purely looking for a place to sleep becaus i was passed out"

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« Reply #49 on: October 09, 2013, 10:48:43 AM »

See what I'm saying. And if she did come home with and you slept together then it would have been - well I was drunk.   

There's a lack of responsibility on her part where her actions aren't really hers - they just magically happen taking those around her in tow on her rollercoaster ride.  It obviously doesn't matter how it affects others. 

These are answers in themselves.  Looking at actions are sometimes the best answers because you don't get caught up in the confabulation or stinking thinking of the person who can't make heads or tails of their life.
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« Reply #50 on: October 09, 2013, 11:06:10 AM »

See what I'm saying. And if she did come home with and you slept together then it would have been - well I was drunk.   

There's a lack of responsibility on her part where her actions aren't really hers - they just magically happen taking those around her in tow on her rollercoaster ride.  It obviously doesn't matter how it affects others. 

These are answers in themselves.  Looking at actions are sometimes the best answers because you don't get caught up in the confabulation or stinking thinking of the person who can't make heads or tails of their life.

She was desperate to apologise for raging aswell. I mean, 17 missed calls, then missed calls the next day. When she did apologise, she made an excuse for it because she was drunk.

I think seeing & talking to her, as well as knowing she's with someone, and trying to anaylize what shes been saying has set me back. But, thanks to this board, i can vent.

I want to email, but dignity and pride is preventing me.
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« Reply #51 on: October 09, 2013, 11:24:48 AM »

I want to email, but dignity and pride is preventing me.



I'm glad you have dignity and pride.
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« Reply #52 on: October 09, 2013, 11:32:51 AM »

Eric, you have answers to all of your questions.  The answers are in her behaviors, not in her words.  her behaviors are solid and defined.  She is reactive, undependable, will easily lie and cheat.  That is the girl you are in love with.  And, if that is the girl you want, pursue her.  You know what it will all feel like.  It will not be any different than it has been or than you feel right now.

You have "fight" in you and you do not want to give up.  But, you seem to be fighting for something that has not existed, does not now exist and will not exist apart from therapy initiated by her.  

Is that fighting for the relationship, or your dream about what you want this girl to be to you?

Oh, my... .I am just stating what so many others have already written.  My heart goes out to you, Eric.  When I read your posts, I feel my own experiences of being in the same inner turmoil.  It is so much easier to exhort others than ourselves!  Keep wrestling with this... .you will find the pathway out of your conundrum, either through more painful engagement or some strengthening enlightenment, and there will be a better day ahead for you.
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« Reply #53 on: October 09, 2013, 01:05:32 PM »

That saturday, and hearing the words 'i have a boyfriend' has destroyed me.

Hi Eric,

Man, when my ex told me that she was seeing someone else, I wanted to ask her for the piece of my heart she'd just ripped out of my chest.

And those words still echo around my head.

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« Reply #54 on: October 09, 2013, 01:16:40 PM »

That saturday, and hearing the words 'i have a boyfriend' has destroyed me.

Hi Eric,

Man, when my ex told me that she was seeing someone else, I wanted to ask her for the piece of my heart she'd just ripped out of my chest.

And those words still echo around my head.

It's the words none of us want to hear. But, she still contacted me! And then had the audacity to tell me not to pull infront of her!
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« Reply #55 on: October 09, 2013, 01:29:10 PM »

And, really -- if it's a benevolent Universe, if she were your soulmate, would she have BPD? I think not. Because the Universe isn't an ___hole, and you deserve better.

This, this, this, I need this on a sign in front of me wherever I go... .
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« Reply #56 on: October 09, 2013, 01:40:29 PM »

Don't shoot me down.

But, I want her back. How would I go about it?   
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« Reply #57 on: October 09, 2013, 01:41:54 PM »

Eric,

We cannot protect you.

We hear what you are saying.

That person will hurt you... .

No matter how much you love her... .

I know you are fighting for a noble cause.

I get that.

She will not.

Not in the long term.

A soulmate... .

Would not hurt you... .

Like this.

Hang in there.

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« Reply #58 on: October 09, 2013, 02:17:32 PM »

I've wrote three separate emails.

They all make me sound crazy haha
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« Reply #59 on: October 09, 2013, 02:23:08 PM »

Hi Eric --

I've wrote three separate emails.

They all make me sound crazy haha

It's ok. Something in you needed you to write them.

I know these feelings all too well... .

I do understand her to a degree now. I know she is generally bonkers. Whether it is BPD, i don't know. But, something doesn't add up... .

One minute i feel like - You're better off, don't go back, you can't trust her. Then as soon as i think that, i tell myself - Nah, shes the one for you.

Reading these articles helped me understand why I was feeling that way:

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« Reply #60 on: October 09, 2013, 02:29:20 PM »

Either it happens now or sometime in the future but rest assured the train will come off the track, and the further down the line this happens the worse the wreck will be.
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« Reply #61 on: October 09, 2013, 02:46:04 PM »

You said that you weren't sure if she was BPD or just 'bonkers' - what behaviour in your ex prompted you to think it might be BPD?

I ask because I keep trying to justify to myself that mine isn't BPD/NPD, and it's just something else... .
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« Reply #62 on: October 09, 2013, 03:06:43 PM »

Feels like we're rehashing here a little, folks. Sometimes a refresher is helpful.

What BPD looks like:

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« Reply #63 on: October 09, 2013, 03:34:05 PM »

You said that you weren't sure if she was BPD or just 'bonkers' - what behaviour in your ex prompted you to think it might be BPD?

I ask because I keep trying to justify to myself that mine isn't BPD/NPD, and it's just something else... .

It's part of me is in denial, because she has friends, really good profession, she cares, is kind, is loving, funny, beautiful.

But, then she can be nasty, manipulative, angry, deceitful, physical.

We would go to sleep with her saying ' I love you so much' and by the next evening, she could be like 'you're a pr'ck, I don't know why im with you'

I've listed elsewhere what I went through, and it makes me laugh thinking I want to return.
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« Reply #64 on: October 09, 2013, 03:50:52 PM »



It's part of me is in denial, because she has friends, really good profession, she cares, is kind, is loving, funny, beautiful.

But, then she can be nasty, manipulative, angry, deceitful, physical.

We would go to sleep with her saying ' I love you so much' and by the next evening, she could be like 'you're a pr'ck, I don't know why im with you'

I've listed elsewhere what I went through, and it makes me laugh thinking I want to return.[/quote]
I hear you brother, mine was everything you described. It went beyond the mirroring, she was objectively one of the greatest people to walk the earth; however, that dark side is really dark and will destroy you if you let it. The bottom line is you would have to take the good, which is good, with the bad, which is very, very bad to be with her and it's your choice whether or not you are willing to endure that dark side forever. My advice to you would be to wait it out and if she contacts you you need to tell her that the only way you'll be with her is if she gets help. Other than that, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of eternal torture and pain.
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« Reply #65 on: October 09, 2013, 04:15:48 PM »

It's part of me is in denial, because she has friends, really good profession, she cares, is kind, is loving, funny, beautiful.

But, then she can be nasty, manipulative, angry, deceitful, physical.

We would go to sleep with her saying ' I love you so much' and by the next evening, she could be like 'you're a pr'ck, I don't know why im with you'

I've listed elsewhere what I went through, and it makes me laugh thinking I want to return.

I hear you brother, mine was everything you described. It went beyond the mirroring, she was objectively one of the greatest people to walk the earth; however, that dark side is really dark and will destroy you if you let it. The bottom line is you would have to take the good, which is good, with the bad, which is very, very bad to be with her and it's your choice whether or not you are willing to endure that dark side forever. My advice to you would be to wait it out and if she contacts you you need to tell her that the only way you'll be with her is if she gets help. Other than that, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of eternal torture and pain.[/quote]
I honestly think I'm better set this time round. I know how it is. The good side is worth it haha

She won't contact, so it would be up to me. However, something is stopping me. So, I'm at loggerheads with myself.
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« Reply #66 on: October 09, 2013, 04:18:06 PM »

Quote from: Eric1 link=topic=210969.msg12325103#msg12325103 date=1381353348[quote
She won't contact, so it would be up to me. However, something is stopping me. So, I'm at loggerheads with myself.

Exactly my conundrum... .
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« Reply #67 on: October 09, 2013, 04:25:51 PM »

Quote from: Eric1 link=topic=210969.msg12325103#msg12325103 date=1381353348[quote
She won't contact, so it would be up to me. However, something is stopping me. So, I'm at loggerheads with myself.

Exactly my conundrum... .

I keep telling myself 'just sleep on it' then I'll get through the next day, and say 'sleep on it'.

It'll be day 4 of no contact tomorrow. I said we shouldn't contact, so it would make me look weak.
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« Reply #68 on: October 09, 2013, 05:20:34 PM »

Hang in there, mate.

It will be hard to maintain NC, but there are people on this board rooting for you, Eric. People who've been thru similar feelings and painful times.

Don't be hard on yourself, you're not weak, you're trying to take some control of your future in very difficult circumstances. That shows a lot of strength and emotional intelligence.

Take care, and best of luck in the NC - one day at time, it will get easier.

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« Reply #69 on: October 09, 2013, 08:48:02 PM »

I was exactly where you were a year ago, Eric. Except that, after 2 mos of NC, she reached out to me.

I honestly think I'm better set this time round. I know how it is. The good side is worth it haha

I felt the same way -- had my head on straight, was armed with techniques I'd learned here, had a better understanding of the illness.

It's now a year later. Where am I?

Back here.

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« Reply #70 on: October 09, 2013, 08:55:06 PM »

I second what Eyvinder said... .

I honestly thought... .

Armed with the knowledge... .

Of knowing... .

That she has this disorder... .

Would make a difference too... .

I was so wrong.


Made no difference.

At all.

She left again.

Her behavior towards me... .?

Almost identical... .

To round 1.

Yes... .

She was far nicer... .

In round 2 of idealization... .

But... .

That came at a price... .

See... .

Her devaluation... .

Of me... .

In round 2... .

With the discard... .

Was far more vicious... .

Then round 1.

That is what awaits you... .

If you allow the pwBPD... .

To return into your life.

Hell on earth.


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« Reply #71 on: October 09, 2013, 10:05:29 PM »

It ruined my night. And yet, i still love her  

Do you love her, are you in love with her, or are you in love with the way she made you feel alive?

I love mine very much, or more accurately I love the version of her I've projected onto her.  I could never be in love with her because she just wouldn't get close enough and I doubt she's capable.  I was in love with the way I felt alive when I was with her, never a dull moment in the chaos of the disorder and I had to stay on my toes full time, somehow had more energy and didn't get tired.  My main focus now is creating that without her.

I like this post. Why?  It mirrors my thoughts and feelings. There never was a dull moment with the chaos. However, that not having a dull moment was at the expense of many other things.  I agree with you about the creating of that energy without our former BPD energy creators/problem creators.

ABB
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« Reply #72 on: October 10, 2013, 01:04:29 AM »

Staff only

We have reached the 4 page limit on the thread so I need to lock this one up. Feel free to start a new thread.

Eric as I was rereading your thread and the mixed emotions you are having right now I thought the Grief Workshop might be a good one to link.  Maybe take a look at it.  Most members can find themselves in one of the stages of grieving.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

Thanks for everyone's participation  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
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FindingMe2011
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ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
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lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
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SES
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Skip
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StillStuck
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Teno
townhouse
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WhatJustHappened?
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Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

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