I am not sure if the med roller coaster is causing her to be the way...

[OtisDay]

I just found out about this site today and was wondering who has a 15yr old daughter with BPD.  We have had her on antidepressants on and off for 3 yrs.  She is currently back in a DBP therapy group.  She started out this school year awesome,  grades were great,  school athletics going great also. Her light was shinning so brite and she was looking beautiful and healthy. Then suddenly at the end of Sept.  the switch went off and the feeling of self induced pressure got the better of her. No school,  :)oing some home schooling with her parents on her to get it going,  and the therapy. I am not sure how this will all end up but am I also concerned that I am not doing all the right things. We have found alcohol in her room and since have throw-out every drop that was in the house. She will cut her arm and at times and just curl up and sleep for a good part of the day.  Sometimes her anger will get the entire house turned upside down.  At times my wife and I feel we are held hostage due to the fear of what she might do.Has anyone been a part of this life and if so,  how are things going now?  I am concerned that this girl of mine with never be able to handle anything and be with my wife and I forever missing out on the fun in life. What was done to see a turn around.

We have 4 children.  15 yr old twins, my BPD girl is a twin with her brother and 13yr and 9yr old girls.  She is diagnosed with anxiety and depression along with BPD,  but I was informed that the BPD cannot be truly used until she is 18 yrs old.  Currently she is on 75 mg of Effexor and 10 mg of abilify.  Just recently the Effexor was doubled to 150mg then dropped after about 2 weeks back to 75.  the abilify was up'ed to 10 mg about 3 weeks ago.  I am not sure if the med roller coaster is causing her to be the way she is or not.  We try to help her as much as we can,  we do our best to not overreact but seem to feel that she is most comfortable whent he entire house gets on edge.  Currently we are sending her to dbt therapy 3 days a week and will increase that to 5 by next week.

I can go on and on with the broken promises, failure to complete anything,  sudden turn in her mood,  (we see so many highs and lows with minimum of a even emotions,  sometimes the anger would get to the point were she would bring out knives from the kitchen. The other kids have gotten so used to this life that everything seems shamefully normal to us.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skip]

This is an interesting video on preteens that may be helpful.  Dr Aguirre speaks directly about the intricacies of raising a 15 year old with this disorder.

https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2013/05/bpdfamily.html

At her age there is a good opportunity to get this resolved... .healed.  Having it identified early is a blessing.

Welcome!

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Otisday,

We're really glad to have you back. I think it's awesome to have a dad's perspective here and wish more men would post and stick around. 

It very well could be the changes in her medication that caused the changes in her personality.  However, from your timeline it seems that she spiraled out of control before the medication changes and that's why they changed them.  Do I have that right?

Her emotional sensitivity could have been caused by anything.  Maybe she felt rejected by someone at school or all of a sudden felt her hair wasn't the right length.  Who knows sometimes?  Usually with my dd16 there is something setting her off.  Sometimes the smallest things cause the biggest reactions and just leave me sitting there trying to bite my tongue off so I don't invalidate her feelings.  The ups and downs of this horrible illness where you do see them doing so well and then BOOM off the cliff is so confusing and upsetting.  It really does keep you off balance doesn't it?

I think it's really smart to keep alcohol out of your house with teenagers living with you.  Even kids without issues are tempted by having that bottle or beer sitting there.

[OtisDay]

I have always stated that my daughter has to try and not worry about the failure. That all she has to do is try.  I would rather see real attempts with low return that no attempts at all... .As for the alcohol,  I am pretty upset that I have to monitor my refrigerator for missing beer or wine.  As I said,  all hard liquor has been poured out so at best she may get is a few beers in her on a friday, saturday, or sunday  but I am sure this is not happening right now.  I will by a 6 pack on a friday and if any is left over by Sunday evening I just pour it out. 

I have to say the word "invalidate"  has really gotten to me... It's to the point that I cannot stand the word any longer.  Anything I say or question her on gets the response  "you just invalidated me!" which seems to give her the right to either get verberly aggressive, threatinging or just complete ignoring of what is happening.

The more I read about this issue the more I see that I have to change and except her for what she is. This is very hard for me but I am trying. She can use the DBT card for as long as she wants.  One of the harder issues is trying to explain to her siblings that she cannot controll what she does at times.  It has gottent othe point that her twin brother really cannot stand her any longer.   I also do not see any end in sight,  she is either going to live with us forever or take off and have failed after failed attempts in anything that comes her way,  relationships,  school, employement.  I am already concerned about her first real relationship and how the "signifigant other"  (BF/GF) will handle her and how she will handle the possible let down of a breakup. 

[jellibeans]

Dear O

I wanted to welcome you and let you know you are not alone. What you describe sounds very much like my home at times.

Last year my dd16 (15 last year) overdosed 6 times. Ran away from home too many times to count. Was cutting and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. She was hospitalized many times and our whole family was just a mess. Today she is doing much better and here is what I think helped her and out whole family

She started dbt therapy with a new therapist. I think this is key. Find someone she can talk to. She also started group dbt as well

Our family sees a family counselor too

I have read a lot of books but the one that really helped was Overcoming BPD by Valerie porr

It this book a learned more about BPD and tools to help me interact with my daughter. I know by daughter has changed but I think I have changed more and that has made a huge difference. Learning how to validate and learning how to set boundaries.

I think at one time we treated our dd as if she had a behavioral problem. We had very strict behavior contract and she was constantly in trouble but once we realized she had a mental illness it allowed us to be emphatic  and accepting of her problems.

After two overdoses in one weekend we finally placed our dd in a residential treatment center for two months. It was enough to break the cycle of self harm. She learned some new coping skills and have not SI since march.

This site has help me a great deal. The advise and support I have received has helped me through some tough times. You are not alone and you can help your dd

My dd got her drivers license this summer and has started a new school. She is doing pretty good. She still struggles but she is in a better place.

I just wanted to welcome you and let you know we are all going through the same struggles.

[OtisDay]

I have also started to write up a request to her highschool for an IEP.  It doesn't seem they offer anything other than online homeschooling which isn't fitting all her needs.  At best they offered paper work to pull her out of our district which then would put the entire education price on our heads.  Seems that they just want her gone and have no intention to help us help her.  When she is at school  ( hasn't been since late sept this year) she is a very good student, great grades,  teachers seem to like her,  no disipline issues at all

[jellibeans]

Dear O

I have also requested a meeting to discuss an IEP. I think it is a good step for you as well. I hope to get a better understanding how this can help my dd16. If your dd need to go to RTC it is possible to have some of the cost covered by your district. Also I think it is good to sit down and have discussion with the staff on how to best help you dd. She has an emotional disability and they should really be having a teacher come to your home if she is not able to attend school. I think you need to get letters from her doctors to back this up.

My DD like many others here struggle with school on many different levels. I don't think the envirnoment is always the best for our kids due to their hypersensitivity. If my daughter is not able to finish this year I will look at other options my district offers. They have a success Adcademy of those kids at risk for dropping out so I think that is always a possiblity. Also an online school might be better suited for our kids but I kind of think that is easier said than done and further isolates our kids might lead to more depresion.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[crazedncrazymom]

 

I have to say the word "invalidate"  has really gotten to me... It's to the point that I cannot stand the word any longer.  Anything I say or question her on gets the response  "you just invalidated me!" which seems to give her the right to either get verberly aggressive, threatinging or just complete ignoring of what is happening.

I read up to this part earlier today just as I was heading out for a meeting.  I hope it doesn't upset you too much to know I got such a chuckle out of this part.  I left the house just giggling and smiling because I remember those days.  I learned to follow up that comment with I'm sorry honey I don't mean to invalidate you because you are so very important to me, however... .(state expectation, rule or boundary here... .and you know we need this rule because we love you and want to keep you safe).

Change is hard!  Learning to be truly validating is hard but it's really worth it.  I am not innately a validating person.  However, in order to communicate with my daughter I had to learn.  Our relationships still has it's ups and downs but we are very close.  Have you read Valerie Porr's Overcoming Borderline Personality?  She has some great tips.  One of her visuals is to picture your dd wearing the tara crown (to be honest, I'm not sure what it is, but I do picture a crown with all these funky colors on her head) and juggling all these balls (stress, anger, etc) and the problem is that she doesn't know how to juggle so she keeps dropping them.  It really helped my empathy towards my dd.

[OtisDay]

I haven't posted in a while.  I've been pretty busy with keeping up with my 15yr daughter.  She has three siblings and we try our hardest to not just focus on BPD daughter ... .but it's tough.  So... .my question, or request,  has anyone seen a great turn around in their child before the dreaded 18yr old legal adult kicks in?  I am so scared that she will turn 18 without any improvement and then just have the right to wave off all help!   She is in outpatient therapy 5 days a week for 3 hrs a day followed by 2.5-3 hrs per day of schooling. We have her on a travel soccer team to keep her busy but I think she should do more activities to keep her busy and and help clear her mind.  Please let me know of the success stories.  Sometimes reading this forum tells me that my Daughter and the rest of us will live with this forever!  I my be wrong but the success just might occur when she realizes that it is up to her to tackle the demons floating around her head.  Once she overpowers them,  she will be able to be productive.  I am at the point where I think she knows what to do but would just rather not do it and drag us all down as well.  Getting very tired of what I call an everyday normal life which includes,  fighting, (physical or verbal)  self harm, and complete shut down where we beg her to get up amd move.  Everyday I get at least one "I hate you" and "I wish you were dead" . I usually respond back to her with "The day you don't have to chance to say "I hate you" is the day you should really start to worry because that's when you'll notice that I have stopped pestering you to get up... clean yourself up and try!  Thats when she should really start to worry and hate me.  My love is strong and deep but so are my mental scars and I really do not know how much longer me, my wife or other children can live this way.

[Rapt Reader]

So... .my question, or request,  has anyone seen a great turn around in their child before the dreaded 18yr old legal adult kicks in?

Please let me know of the success stories... .

Hi, OtisDay, and welcome back. Thanks for the update!

Here are some links to success stories that can give you hope:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196378.0 &

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=201837.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198609.0 &

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200919.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202562.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210800.0;all

And, here's the link to more RTC stories/Threads in one place:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

I'm truly sorry for the trauma and chaos your daughter's BPD is causing your family; but the truth is just as crazedncrazymom said: Change is hard!  Learning to be truly validating is hard, but it's really worth it. We cannot change our children, but when we change the way we see them and understand them, and the way we communicate with them, they will invariably change the way the react to us. And things then can get better... .Please read the success stories I linked to above, and know that there really can be light at the end of the tunnel, and life can get more peaceful... .

[BioAdoptMom3]

I hear you and understand your frustration with this terrible disorder!  Our DD is 14 and like yours is bright and talented and is not a behavior problem at school or home.  Her symptoms are cutting, eating disorders, suicide ideation and attemps, unstable relationships, depression and anxiety.  She is on 20 mg. of Prozac and 5 mg. of Abilfy which seem to be really helpful, especially the Abilify.  Maybe she needs something different than Effexor.  That is a good medication for some people based on what I have read, but it is not effective for many.  I would ask about the possibility of a change there.  Everyone is different.  Maybe she would do better on something other than Abilify.  Our DD was in Risperdal for a short time recently, but it didn't seem to work for her at all. That may work for your DD. 

I second the idea of considering a new therapist. If they haven't made a connection it probably will not be as effective as it would be with someone she likes and trusts. 

My DH and I are just now learning about validation and starting to try to remember to do that when she gets depressed or upset.  It honestly, even in this short period of time, seems to be helping just a little bit. I haven't read the books recommended on this post, but I am reading "Loving Someone With BPD" and I find it easy to read and very helpful! 

As far as school is concerned, do you think there could have been some bullying going on?  We had that problem last year in her last year of MS and had to end up pulling her out and putting her on online school for the last semester.  It broke our hearts that she had to give up band and chorus as she is so musically talented, but we had no other choice.  Things are better this year in HS, so that may provide you with some hope.  Just because school isn't working out now doesn't mean it won't next semester or next year.  Have you talked with her guidance counselor about what could have caused this or what other options you might have for her?  In our community we have a school for troubled girls where they have them academically work at their own levels, but provide intense counseling twice a month and opportunities to connect with a counselor at school whenever they feel they need it.  Do you have a place similar to that?

You asked for stories of hope.  Something DH and I are doing, or at least trying to, is to look for those small, sometimes even itty bitty lights at the end of the tunnel.  For instance, she plays on a traveling softball team.  She made a bad throw at one point during our final game of the day and usually after something like that she "beats herself up" relentlessly.  She started to do that as we were getting into the car, then turned to her dad and said, "but, even though I messed up I got more hits than anyone on my team today, scored 4 runs and stole a bunch of bases".  Wow!  I hang onto things like that and try to remember them when we have a crisis.  I also once not too long ago asked her psychiatrist if there was hope. Her response was that if there weren't hope for patients like DD she would not be in this line of work!  She also said when treatment is begun at a young age the outlook is actually very good. Her therapist agrees!  Yes, hope is very hard to imagine when you in a crisis and there are MANY, but it is there with its little bright lights if you look for them shining on the sides of the tunnel as you drive through it with her!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders