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Author Topic: A BPD's "Insanity" of a Love Life  (Read 6251 times)
imstronghere2
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« Reply #60 on: November 01, 2013, 02:05:22 PM »

do they?  do they really "look" for us?  do they "suck us in"?  sounds sinister... . 

They sure can do that.  I watched it happen right in front of my eyes.  Before my exwBPD moved out she sucked in a casual friend of mine who is quite over weight and was very lonely.  The perfect target.  She used him for a few months and then chewed him up and spit him out.  A few weeks after she moved out and he was dating her, I TOLD him this is what was going to happen to him and he STILL went back for more.   Now, he calls her "trailer trash" and hates her guts.   LOL

When she was luring him in, I told her how cruel that was to just use someone like that.  She never reacted to that statement at all.  It was like I was speaking Martian or something.

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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #61 on: November 01, 2013, 04:01:09 PM »

And at the same time, I find the hypocrisy or the twisted thinking of the black and white right to cheat on the partner and then tell bald faced lies while denying the fact in the face of the evidence something for which my empathy cup doth no longer runneth over.

Yep, hypocrisy is a great word for it; I'm sorry you're still in the middle of it, and I can understand how you're fresh out of empathy.  Focusing more on understanding than empathy, I find it fascinating that my borderline ex could construct such an elaborate web of cognitive distortions and denial that made it completely OK for her to go screw a few guys, but I as much as looked at another woman and the rage volcano erupted again.  I think it was the combination of:

1. She thought she was the most awesome woman in the universe, she had to, since the alternative was complete trash in her black and white world.

2. She used sex as a means to soothe, she didn't make love she fcked, horizontal aerobics, so that doesn't count as cheating.

3. She was entitled because "the woman a man shares a bed with controls his world" was a primary belief, yet she still wondered why all her boyfriends left her completely pissed off.

4. Her lack of object constancy made it such that when I wasn't with her I didn't exist.

5. It had to be my fault and the lies had to come quickly and with great force, otherwise she'd have to acknowledge wrongdoing, in which case the floodgates would open and her head would explode.

That's the best sense I can make of it, fascinating to try and get my head around.

PD Love dies when you refuse to be abused.

Yep, and the biggest questions moving forward is why did I mistake that for 'love' to begin with, and why did I put up with what I did?
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #62 on: November 01, 2013, 04:08:20 PM »

Hi fromheeltoheal.  In a sense I feel like my BPDex reached this point with me, and his fear materialized.  He poured himself out to me (I was pretty much a complete stranger to him)... .I couldn't handle what he told me (nor the way he told me), and how unstable he was, it triggered some insane stuff inside of me, realizations of past relationships, etc. and I put space between us.  I'm still feeling guilty about having rejected a borderline who opened up, admitted to who and what he was.  I think he did want help though, but I always questionned whether he was being manipulative.  If anything, he just didn't know how to go about getting help, and couldn't bring himself to go to therapy.  I guess my only consolation is that I (we) are not equipped to truly help them get better.  We are not professionals, willing to dedicate our life to making this person get better. That's what mental health professionals are there for.  When I told him that, he responded "but they're strangers" - all I could think of was: and who the hell do you think I am?... .

That is very interesting unhooking, I never got anywhere near that far with mine, and I'm curious what he said, if you're comfortable sharing.  After a few glasses of wine mine would say 'I've hurt a lot of people' and 'I've done a lot of bad things" with a very crappy look on her face, but I wasn't into pressing for details, mostly because it was exes she was talking about; I didn't ask, and I really didn't want to hear it at the time.  In hindsight it would have been very telling.
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #63 on: November 01, 2013, 06:17:42 PM »

He said he lies to everyone all the time, doesn't have a sense of identity, doesn't know who he is, has horrible dark thoughts, cuts himself, made totally unsolicited confessions about a brutal past, and also said that its hurtful to be with him (this seems to be a common phrase with BPDers from what I gather).  He did say that he loves people though. In retrospect what he was doing (whether on purpose or not) was way over the top dramatic, and totally alienating.  I mean, he might as well have told me he eats little kittens for breakfast.
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« Reply #64 on: November 01, 2013, 07:10:27 PM »

do they?  do they really "look" for us?  do they "suck us in"?  sounds sinister... . 

They sure can do that.  I watched it happen right in front of my eyes.  Before my exwBPD moved out she sucked in a casual friend of mine who is quite over weight and was very lonely.  The perfect target.  She used him for a few months and then chewed him up and spit him out.  A few weeks after she moved out and he was dating her, I TOLD him this is what was going to happen to him and he STILL went back for more.   Now, he calls her "trailer trash" and hates her guts.   LOL

When she was luring him in, I told her how cruel that was to just use someone like that.  She never reacted to that statement at all.  It was like I was speaking Martian or something.

hi, not to call you out at all, just want to highlight the kind of language that those of us that have been hurt tend to use and that, i believe, keeps us in a cycle of suffering.  for example, i ignored most, if not all, of my BPDx's  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) . and to go with your metaphor, i cannot be a "target" unless i'm wearing a "bullseye" that i refuse to take off. and all of that stuff perpetuates my sense of being a "victim"... .

here is an interesting video by sam vaknin, author of "malignant self-love":

"N-Magnet:  Narcissist's Ideal Victim? 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv5VncdRqYs

and here is part of what he said that completely hit home and sums it up for me:

"were u victimized in ALL of your relationships whether romantic and intimate, or not?  if you chose your partners badly or if u did not extricate yourself post-haste once you had been mistreated  it must have been your doing.  magnets are passive.  they have no judgment and cannot exert control over their destiny.  they are a bad [?].   human beings are not inert.   they are not helpless mindless substances like magnets. human beings are aware of what they're doing.  they can distinguish right from wrong.  they can and do act upon information.  they exercise judgment.  bad  relationships, however harrowing,  constitute opportunities  to learn lessons and if you fail to do that you have no one to blame but yourself".
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #65 on: November 01, 2013, 07:21:46 PM »

He said he lies to everyone all the time, doesn't have a sense of identity, doesn't know who he is, has horrible dark thoughts, cuts himself, made totally unsolicited confessions about a brutal past, and also said that its hurtful to be with him (this seems to be a common phrase with BPDers from what I gather).  He did say that he loves people though. In retrospect what he was doing (whether on purpose or not) was way over the top dramatic, and totally alienating.  I mean, he might as well have told me he eats little kittens for breakfast.

Thanks unhooking; mine didn't say those things, but did them all.

I was reading recently about vulnerability, the lengths humans will go to to avoid expressing it, and how expressing it openly is where the juice in life is found.  One popular way of avoiding vulnerability is just to overshare too much, too soon, before a relationship is really built.  It shocks people and although it sounds vulnerable, it ends up putting distance between people, and that's ordered people.
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #66 on: November 02, 2013, 11:48:29 AM »

do they?  do they really "look" for us?  do they "suck us in"?  sounds sinister... .i think on their side, you're giving them too much credit and on our Non side, not requiring us to recognize and carry enough of the responsibility of what happened.

This made me think of something my BPDex once told me.  We met in a bar, and later he told me he noticed that I was taking care of an incredibly intoxicated friend.  He probably thought... .hmmm, there's an attractive co-dependent for me Smiling (click to insert in post)  So yes, they do "look" for us.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #67 on: November 02, 2013, 01:02:10 PM »

This thread, titled A BPD's "Insanity" of a Love Life, has about 20 times the views of the average thread on this board.  Not very scientific, but pretty telling as to the opinion of people leaving someone they think exhibits BPD traits, and landing on this site in search of pain relief.  Insanity anyone?
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« Reply #68 on: November 02, 2013, 01:07:31 PM »

do they?  do they really "look" for us?  do they "suck us in"?  sounds sinister... .i think on their side, you're giving them too much credit and on our Non side, not requiring us to recognize and carry enough of the responsibility of what happened.

This made me think of something my BPDex once told me.  We met in a bar, and later he told me he noticed that I was taking care of an incredibly intoxicated friend.  He probably thought... .hmmm, there's an attractive co-dependent for me Smiling (click to insert in post)  So yes, they do "look" for us.

The X and I were youth mentors. My secondary goal of doing it was to connect with like valued people... .looking for a wife, basically. Boy did I mess that one up!
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« Reply #69 on: November 02, 2013, 01:15:24 PM »

He said he lies to everyone all the time, doesn't have a sense of identity, doesn't know who he is, has horrible dark thoughts, cuts himself, made totally unsolicited confessions about a brutal past, and also said that its hurtful to be with him (this seems to be a common phrase with BPDers from what I gather).  He did say that he loves people though. In retrospect what he was doing (whether on purpose or not) was way over the top dramatic, and totally alienating.  I mean, he might as well have told me he eats little kittens for breakfast.

Thanks unhooking; mine didn't say those things, but did them all.

I was reading recently about vulnerability, the lengths humans will go to to avoid expressing it, and how expressing it openly is where the juice in life is found.  One popular way of avoiding vulnerability is just to overshare too much, too soon, before a relationship is really built.  It shocks people and although it sounds vulnerable, it ends up putting distance between people, and that's ordered people.

BLINK! Boy oh boy did a light bulb turn on when I read this. My EXperience EXactly. Thanx Heel! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #70 on: November 02, 2013, 07:14:17 PM »




He said he lies to everyone all the time, doesn't have a sense of identity, doesn't know who he is, has horrible dark thoughts, cuts himself, made totally unsolicited confessions about a brutal past, and also said that its hurtful to be with him (this seems to be a common phrase with BPDers from what I gather).  He did say that he loves people though. In retrospect what he was doing (whether on purpose or not) was way over the top dramatic, and totally alienating.  I mean, he might as well have told me he eats little kittens for breakfast.

Thanks unhooking; mine didn't say those things, but did them all.

I was reading recently about vulnerability, the lengths humans will go to to avoid expressing it, and how expressing it openly is where the juice in life is found.  One popular way of avoiding vulnerability is just to overshare too much, too soon, before a relationship is really built.  It shocks people and although it sounds vulnerable, it ends up putting distance between people, and that's ordered people.

BLINK! Boy oh boy did a light bulb turn on when I read this. My EXperience EXactly. Thanx Heel! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

That really hits home! My Ex told me so much of his past that he was ashamed of, so I thought wow he is letting me in... .but really he was just distracting me by opening about something he's probably been telling people for awhile. This was a way to keep me from really knowing him. : ( I still remember him telling me, "I don't really know "my name," you just show me who you think I want you to be." He was expressing his frustration with our relationship and how much he wanted to really fall in love with me not just love me. If that wasn't projection I don't know what is!
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Clearmind
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« Reply #71 on: November 03, 2013, 08:18:56 PM »

No one can "suck" us into a relationship without our permission.

If we talk about BPD patterns of relationships we should also look at our own. For me personally, this was not my first BPD rodeo! There is/was something very innate in me that sort out a person like my ex/ex's.

So yes my ex's love life had an essence of insanity and so did mine.
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Noise

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« Reply #72 on: November 04, 2013, 08:26:10 AM »

My ex was also really open about her past in the beginning. Thats why I thought I was really special to her (because she told me she was never that open about her past before).

Thing was that only in the beginning she was that open. After she was always closed off and distant. In one of our final discussions at the end of our relationsship I explained to her that we never went to the core. She admitted she thought she could never do that with anyone. And I felt sorry for her... .

Then when I found out about the rebound I got the statement that he COULD go to the core with her and she CAN be very open with him. That really hit me hard as people tell me I am really easy to talk with and give good advice .
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #73 on: November 04, 2013, 09:14:09 AM »

That's the thing... .The rebound is either way better than us, or we're better than the rebound. But it's just manipulation. He told me the rebound didn't know about all he had told me... .But did that make me feel any better? No. Because he also told me he lies... .So what am I to believe, and he told me he was trying to really make it work with the rebound.  We all lose. An emotionally mature person who truly wants to try and make something work would be honest with the person they want to make it work with at the appropriate time, and would be taking steps to help himself. 

Interesting that she closed off after.  He went into crisis mode and blamed it on having been too open about himself. Read: we're done opening up here.

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Noise

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« Reply #74 on: November 04, 2013, 09:33:58 AM »

I feel you. My mechanism to get a reaction or öpenness" is to provocate. Well that didnt work so I went crazy sometimes. In the end it was my "bashing" that killed our relationship?

And at first I even believed it! passive aggresive is such a powerfull way to destroy someone.

Mr new is a bit of a narcissist so I think he will have a hard time as well... .
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #75 on: November 04, 2013, 10:02:56 AM »

I feel you. My mechanism to get a reaction or öpenness" is to provocate. Well that didnt work so I went crazy sometimes. In the end it was my "bashing" that killed our relationship?

And at first I even believed it! passive aggresive is such a powerfull way to destroy someone.

Mr new is a bit of a narcissist so I think he will have a hard time as well... .

Wrong. If Mr. New is a narcissist he will have a better time of it. Why? Because he doesn't really care. They last longer with them don'tcha know.  
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Noise

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« Reply #76 on: November 04, 2013, 10:19:50 AM »

Really? Well time will tell.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #77 on: November 04, 2013, 11:31:30 AM »

I saw a gal I've known for a while the other week, and saw a bunch of borderline traits.  She'd always seemed a little 'off' to me, but now with the framework I've gleaned here I can put a name on it.  And I'm trying to be careful and not put every flamboyant gal I meet in the BPD box, no sense being paranoid.

Anyway, she did the same thing my borderline ex did: she's got an uncanny ability to make it seem she's being open, honest and vulnerable, but if you look and listen carefully, she's not really opening up much, but definitely inviting me to.  Interesting.  I say it's a borderline's need to attach that motivates them to get through someone's boundaries quickly, the two I know are very good at it, good thing I've grown a bit.  Simple focus: what do I want and need, and can these gals meet that?  Nope.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #78 on: November 04, 2013, 04:56:04 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its 4 page limit so we have lock it up.

Here's a thread that piggybacks on the "insanity" of a relationship like this and why they tend to play out like they do. 

Your ex was emotionally immature. Were you? Yes? No?
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