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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: She wants to be completely independent from people  (Read 5295 times)
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« Reply #30 on: November 25, 2013, 02:02:41 PM »

Excerpt
she posts stuff about "independency" (from love,from people)

Mine says similar things. Ultimately, it's all exactly the opposite. It sounds like she is going into "hermit" mode, for a brief time. That is often typical with the BPD. Then they cycle back to the Waif, Queen, Witch/Hater, Discard/Recycle/Discard... .back to Waif. It's a sad, sad script.

Mine was doing the same in the devaluation period in round 2. She was projecting this image to the social media world of hers that she was in "personal development" and reading the self help book "The Secret" which was "opening her eyes", while destroying me in the same process. She has no self but was projecting "personal development"; a cruel contradiction with that ___ing book as the perfect facade to hide behind. No one questioned her on any of that, they all applauded her and stroked her ego. I watched all of that in horrifying silence. How was a self help book going to help someone with a personality disorder? More and more awful contradictions. And of course, I stuck around. The final contradiction.

Major red flags for me in future r/s, "finding" or "working" on ones' self. Of course, mine never came off like that in the beginning, but is into it full tilt now.
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« Reply #31 on: November 25, 2013, 02:32:27 PM »

Nicco

I am so sorry for your situation, and I am glad you found us.

From what I have read, I doubt that your ex even knows what she wants out of life right now.

She says she NEEDS her freedom with no emotional connection to you or her child.  On the other hand, she NEEDS you to help her, be there for her, and care for her son. Yet, she is a loving mother who has pretty much abandoned her child... .? What? That is a total contradiction.

She can't have it both ways. Of course, you and her son are confused and hurt.  It also sounds as if you have bonded.  Is this fair to either of you?

While no one can tell you what to do about her lack of responsibility and indifference, it is clear that she is taking advantage of you and damaging the wellbeing of her child.  

You have a decision to make... .what do YOU need?





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« Reply #32 on: November 25, 2013, 03:03:38 PM »

This cry for independency! My UexBPDgf (feels weird to use this label, but I understand its usefulness) was doing this often and now I know a little bit more about BPD I better understand why I felt/feel so sorry for her AND why I was so powerless in my attempts to help her. If you are totally depending on others in order to survive, to feel, to grow... .if you have no real sense of self... .it must be both the most desirable and the most frightening thing to become independent from others.

My ex was doing a lot of self help/alternative therapy. I tried to critically support that, and it worked sometimes: it opened the path to some serious talk about her and my and our problems. I even started to like some of the buddhist and yoga stuff she was into lately, but then she turned the 'letting go' principle against our relationship and me. When she left me her only explanation was: "I want to be emotionally independent". Right after that statement she went off to her new lover!

Speaking about contradictions... .Looking back (about 6 months now), her actions resulted in forcing me to find my independence because my only choice was 'letting her go' or return to the battlefield of a war already lost.
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« Reply #33 on: November 25, 2013, 03:18:44 PM »

Nicco

I am so sorry for your situation, and I am glad you found us.

From what I have read, I doubt that your ex even knows what she wants out of life right now.

She says she NEEDS her freedom with no emotional connection to you or her child.  On the other hand, she NEEDS you to help her, be there for her, and care for her son. Yet, she is a loving mother who has pretty much abandoned her child... .? What? That is a total contradiction.

She can't have it both ways. Of course, you and her son are confused and hurt.  It also sounds as if you have bonded.  Is this fair to either of you?

While no one can tell you what to do about her lack of responsibility and indifference, it is clear that she is taking advantage of you and damaging the wellbeing of her child.  

You have a decision to make... .what do YOU need?

Hello MammaMia

i could understand your doubts... .actually all her story about "independency" means only "independency from romantic relationships" and it comed out just after our break up in september... .this summer we where "officialy" still together so i guess she prefered to leave her son for a couple of months with some people she trusted (me,my parents too) instead of give him more stressing days living in hotel in a crap situation... .was the first time they have been separated for so long.

She didn't "abandoned" him... .she knew that during that difficult moment was better for him to stay in a safe place surrounded by good people who loved him... .as soon as she got the flat i flyed there with him... .so yes,she took advantage on me... .but for the child is been definitely better in this way... .and believe me when i say that in despite of her disorder,she's responsible ONLY when we talk about her son.

Me,first of all,i guess i need to learn to love myself.
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« Reply #34 on: November 25, 2013, 03:35:33 PM »

My ex was doing a lot of self help/alternative therapy. I tried to critically support that, and it worked sometimes: it opened the path to some serious talk about her and my and our problems. I even started to like some of the buddhist and yoga stuff she was into lately, but then she turned the 'letting go' principle against our relationship and me. When she left me her only explanation was: "I want to be emotionally independent". Right after that statement she went off to her new lover!

Wow. We must have been dating the same woman.
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« Reply #35 on: November 25, 2013, 03:44:00 PM »

So i'm reading that is a pretty "common" behaviour of a pwBPD to declare this need and research of emotive independance... .speaking true it make me feel a lil bit "better"... .cause these last months i've been looping with the same thoughts like "Ok,now she will be feel better... .her depression is gone,she got what she wanted (a flat,job,a kind of "normal" life she missed until now) and now... .now she'll meet someone else... .and she will be wonderful (cause jezus,she's when she's fine)... .while me i got all the "dirty" job... .someone else will get just the best of her... .if onl i wasn't such a creep,if only i knew sooner about her disorder and how to menage it... .if only i was a better man now we would be still together... .she said she didn't want to be depressed and needy forever... .and she kept her word... .and now she'll be fine with someone else,bravo!"

My mind often tortured me... .still doing it sometimes... .some days less... .some days more... .and this unstoppable feeling of guilt for everytime that i haven't been warmer with her... .for every time that i didn't took her head in my hands,watched her deeply in her beautiful eyes and simply told her ":)on't worry,i know that you are painful... .trust in me and everything will be ok"  :'(

Mmmmmm... .
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« Reply #36 on: November 25, 2013, 03:54:54 PM »

So i'm reading that is a pretty "common" behaviour of a pwBPD to declare this need and research of emotive independance... .speaking true it make me feel a lil bit "better"... .cause these last months i've been looping with the same thoughts like "Ok,now she will be feel better... .her depression is gone,she got what she wanted (a flat,job,a kind of "normal" life she missed until now) and now... .now she'll meet someone else... .and she will be wonderful (cause jezus,she's when she's fine)... .while me i got all the "dirty" job... .someone else will get just the best of her... .if onl i wasn't such a creep,if only i knew sooner about her disorder and how to menage it... .if only i was a better man now we would be still together... .she said she didn't want to be depressed and needy forever... .and she kept her word... .and now she'll be fine with someone else,bravo!"

My mind often tortured me... .still doing it sometimes... .some days less... .some days more... .and this unstoppable feeling of guilt for everytime that i haven't been warmer with her... .for every time that i didn't took her head in my hands,watched her deeply in her beautiful eyes and simply told her ":)on't worry,i know that you are painful... .trust in me and everything will be ok"  :'(

I think you are doing well, Nicco. Mine had everything she wanted: two awesome kids, a secure home, financial security, a [mostly] great partner, a good job where she makes a difference and is appreciated. She would sometimes get in these moods, saying "I have everything any woman could want, but I feel so empty, why isn't it enough?" I would listen and soothe her, since I would hear this from time to time. Her BPD was too strong, however. She started detaching after our second child... .in combination how I was reacting (wrongly, but I am human with a heart and feelings, too) to her demands and subtly increasing rages.

She told me the other night, "I just can't do this" This meaning, all that I stated above: a 3 dimensional, adult relationship. So she has the 1-dimensional teenage relationship. That is ultimately what she can handle. Sure, I wasn't perfect... .maybe I wasn't perfect for her? That's why she went to a much younger (and very immature) "man." She needs to mother, meet her immediate physical needs with no real commitment, so she doesn't have to confront her self for any length of time. On my end, I don't need another daughter since I already have one.
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« Reply #37 on: November 25, 2013, 04:40:49 PM »

Nicco

I am glad to hear your ex has found work, a flat, has resumed care of her son, and seems to feel better about herself. 

Did you realize she would leave or did you expect some kind of future with her once she "found herself"?  Are you still friends, and do you know how her son is doing?

You are a kind, compassionate man, and she and her son were lucky to have you in their lives.  You have not failed her in any way.  AND you deserve better.

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« Reply #38 on: November 26, 2013, 06:08:05 AM »

Recycle time |iiiiYves
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« Reply #39 on: November 26, 2013, 02:49:11 PM »

Nicco

I am glad to hear your ex has found work, a flat, has resumed care of her son, and seems to feel better about herself. 

Did you realize she would leave or did you expect some kind of future with her once she "found herself"?  Are you still friends, and do you know how her son is doing?

You are a kind, compassionate man, and she and her son were lucky to have you in their lives.  You have not failed her in any way.  AND you deserve better.

A futur with her?I would love it my all my sick heart... .is it possible?Don't think so... .

i have no news about the child... .or her,except for the few i got from my "lurking" on her fb profile... .and the situation is the same as i wrote... .it's definitely a bad night here today... .(here in Italy is 10 pm)
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« Reply #40 on: November 26, 2013, 02:54:01 PM »

Nicco, try not to look at her fb. It's difficult not to, but is stopped checking my ex's some months ago and I'm much better for it. I need to finalise a few things with him, the moment I do - he is blocked. But I can't cause any problems for myself right now.

Spend your time reading the lessons and workshops here instead - it's much healthier for you!
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« Reply #41 on: November 26, 2013, 03:00:42 PM »

Nicco, try not to look at her fb. It's difficult not to, but is stopped checking my ex's some months ago and I'm much better for it. I need to finalise a few things with him, the moment I do - he is blocked. But I can't cause any problems for myself right now.

Spend your time reading the lessons and workshops here instead - it's much healthier for you!

Blocking is best, Nicco. You don't even see comments from each other if you still have common friends. I blocked mine last month, despite her still living in my house. I got sick of seeing the self-validating crap she posted, in-between posting pics of our kids... .and the seemingly endless stream of selfies she posts for identity validation. She was making it out like she was some type of battered wife leaving a loveless relationship, moving on to "better things" and "being stronger". Complete reversal of what is really going on. I still get the urge to have someone "spy" on her, but I just don't care anymore.
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« Reply #42 on: November 26, 2013, 03:03:30 PM »

I'm sorry to came here to write for every lil "evolution"... .but for the moment i feel better only writing/reading here... .after she tried to contact me some days ago by phone (my dad told me she wrote to him toobjust to apologies and tell them she loves them and she's sorry if she's been a delusion for them) ,messages,whatever... .telling me she was "worried for me" without a reply from me... .finally i wrote her a lil phone message tonight... i knowit's wrong probably... .i've been totally out of her range for almost two months now... .but since i got her message i felt a growing violent "tension" inside me... .like to have different conflicting voices whispering in my mind telling me conflicting things... ."wite her... .maybe she's just really worried... just tell her you're fine and nothing more"... ."don't do it,you're gonna regret... .be strong,she's just tryng to clean her conscience"... .finally i did tonight... .just wrote "Hi there... .i'm fine,take care of you and give a hug to (name of he child)"... .i got suddenly a message from her... ."Oki... sorry for have bored you... .thanks you have replied to me... .take care of you too"

5 minutes after,another message... .":)o you hate me?"... .no i don't,my heart... .i hate myself for not having yet moved a step far from you in two months... .i didn't replied,don't know what to do.
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« Reply #43 on: November 26, 2013, 03:07:51 PM »

I'm sorry to came here to write for every lil "evolution"... .but for the moment i feel better only writing/reading here... .after she tried to contact me some days ago by phone (my dad told me she wrote to him toobjust to apologies and tell them she loves them and she's sorry if she's been a delusion for them) ,messages,whatever... .telling me she was "worried for me" without a reply from me... .finally i wrote her a lil phone message tonight... i knowit's wrong probably... .i've been totally out of her range for almost two months now... .but since i got her message i felt a growing violent "tension" inside me... .like to have different conflicting voices whispering in my mind telling me conflicting things... ."wite her... .maybe she's just really worried... just tell her you're fine and nothing more"... ."don't do it,you're gonna regret... .be strong,she's just tryng to clean her conscience"... .finally i did tonight... .just wrote "Hi there... .i'm fine,take care of you and give a hug to (name of he child)"... .i got suddenly a message from her... ."Oki... sorry for have bored you... .thanks you have replied to me... .take care of you too"

5 minutes after,another message... .":)o you hate me?"... .no i don't,my heart... .i hate myself for not having yet moved a step far from you in two months... .i didn't replied,don't know what to do.

Oh, Nicco, I feel for you. I think most of us have been there. Involving your parents is crossing all sorts of boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, but it seems like she and they had some type of relationship through you.

Write as much as you would to her, here on bpdfamily, if that helps you write "to her"... .without actually doing it. Is there any way you can just block her number?
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« Reply #44 on: November 26, 2013, 03:12:57 PM »

Excerpt
she posts stuff about "independency" (from love,from people)

Mine says similar things. Ultimately, it's all exactly the opposite. It sounds like she is going into "hermit" mode, for a brief time. That is often typical with the BPD. Then they cycle back to the Waif, Queen, Witch/Hater, Discard/Recycle/Discard... .back to Waif. It's a sad, sad script.

Mine was doing the same in the devaluation period in round 2. She was projecting this image to the social media world of hers that she was in "personal development" and reading the self help book "The Secret" which was "opening her eyes", while destroying me in the same process. She has no self but was projecting "personal development"; a cruel contradiction with that ___ing book as the perfect facade to hide behind. No one questioned her on any of that, they all applauded her and stroked her ego. I watched all of that in horrifying silence. How was a self help book going to help someone with a personality disorder? More and more awful contradictions. And of course, I stuck around. The final contradiction.

Major red flags for me in future r/s, "finding" or "working" on ones' self. Of course, mine never came off like that in the beginning, but is into it full tilt now.

I once counted the number of self-help books my BPD wife had on our various bookshelves--lost count at about 25.  On the one hand, I commend her quest, but if I was her 'real' barrier to happiness, she most certainly could've saved some money (and shelf space) by realizing it sooner. 
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« Reply #45 on: November 26, 2013, 03:18:38 PM »

Excerpt
she posts stuff about "independency" (from love,from people)

Mine says similar things. Ultimately, it's all exactly the opposite. It sounds like she is going into "hermit" mode, for a brief time. That is often typical with the BPD. Then they cycle back to the Waif, Queen, Witch/Hater, Discard/Recycle/Discard... .back to Waif. It's a sad, sad script.

Mine was doing the same in the devaluation period in round 2. She was projecting this image to the social media world of hers that she was in "personal development" and reading the self help book "The Secret" which was "opening her eyes", while destroying me in the same process. She has no self but was projecting "personal development"; a cruel contradiction with that ___ing book as the perfect facade to hide behind. No one questioned her on any of that, they all applauded her and stroked her ego. I watched all of that in horrifying silence. How was a self help book going to help someone with a personality disorder? More and more awful contradictions. And of course, I stuck around. The final contradiction.

Major red flags for me in future r/s, "finding" or "working" on ones' self. Of course, mine never came off like that in the beginning, but is into it full tilt now.

I once counted the number of self-help books my BPD wife had on our various bookshelves--lost count at about 25.  On the one hand, I commend her quest, but if I was her 'real' barrier to happiness, she most certainly could've saved some money (and shelf space) by realizing it sooner. 

I like the sarcasm there... .Another rf would be to see how much of that self-validating crap they post on FB, along with the number of selfies (though I realize there is a generational thing with the latter). Also, subscribing or regularly reading certain gender-targeted periodicals.
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« Reply #46 on: November 26, 2013, 03:23:36 PM »

I'm sorry to came here to write for every lil "evolution"... .but for the moment i feel better only writing/reading here... .after she tried to contact me some days ago by phone (my dad told me she wrote to him toobjust to apologies and tell them she loves them and she's sorry if she's been a delusion for them) ,messages,whatever... .telling me she was "worried for me" without a reply from me... .finally i wrote her a lil phone message tonight... i knowit's wrong probably... .i've been totally out of her range for almost two months now... .but since i got her message i felt a growing violent "tension" inside me... .like to have different conflicting voices whispering in my mind telling me conflicting things... ."wite her... .maybe she's just really worried... just tell her you're fine and nothing more"... ."don't do it,you're gonna regret... .be strong,she's just tryng to clean her conscience"... .finally i did tonight... .just wrote "Hi there... .i'm fine,take care of you and give a hug to (name of he child)"... .i got suddenly a message from her... ."Oki... sorry for have bored you... .thanks you have replied to me... .take care of you too"

5 minutes after,another message... .":)o you hate me?"... .no i don't,my heart... .i hate myself for not having yet moved a step far from you in two months... .i didn't replied,don't know what to do.

Oh, Nicco, I feel for you. I think most of us have been there. Involving your parents is crossing all sorts of boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, but it seems like she and they had some type of relationship through you.

Write as much as you would to her, here on bpdfamily, if that helps you write "to her"... .without actually doing it. Is there any way you can just block her number?

I never asked her to don't write/phone me anymore... .maybe i was thinking to keep a kind of "back door" with her you know... .everything is happend just now and i'm new to all this... .how would you call it?hope?

Maybe it's true that hope is the source of greatest strength and the greatest weakness of the human being at the same time.
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« Reply #47 on: November 26, 2013, 03:24:24 PM »

I'm sorry to came here to write for every lil "evolution"... .but for the moment i feel better only writing/reading here... .after she tried to contact me some days ago by phone (my dad told me she wrote to him toobjust to apologies and tell them she loves them and she's sorry if she's been a delusion for them) ,messages,whatever... .telling me she was "worried for me" without a reply from me... .finally i wrote her a lil phone message tonight... i knowit's wrong probably... .i've been totally out of her range for almost two months now... .but since i got her message i felt a growing violent "tension" inside me... .like to have different conflicting voices whispering in my mind telling me conflicting things... ."wite her... .maybe she's just really worried... just tell her you're fine and nothing more"... ."don't do it,you're gonna regret... .be strong,she's just tryng to clean her conscience"... .finally i did tonight... .just wrote "Hi there... .i'm fine,take care of you and give a hug to (name of he child)"... .i got suddenly a message from her... ."Oki... sorry for have bored you... .thanks you have replied to me... .take care of you too"

5 minutes after,another message... .":)o you hate me?"... .no i don't,my heart... .i hate myself for not having yet moved a step far from you in two months... .i didn't replied,don't know what to do.

You know what to do.

Ignore it.

She knows you are ok. You know why NC is recommended. You can see from the stories here where it will lead if you do.

You have come part way away from her. Don't undo that by going back and engaging with her need for self-soothing.
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« Reply #48 on: November 26, 2013, 03:31:33 PM »

Write as much as you would to her, here on bpdfamily, if that helps you write "to her"... .without actually doing it. Is there any way you can just block her number?

I never asked her to don't write/phone me anymore... .maybe i was thinking to keep a kind of "back door" with her you know... .everything is happend just now and i'm new to all this... .how would you call it?hope?

Nicco, mine's been living in my house with our two small children for months while I am still pushing her out and while she is still carrying on some type of relationship with another man (a boy, really). It got thrown in my face just last week when she sent me a text meant for him, and he called her phone the other night as she, I and our two kids were sitting down for dinner. I still have some part of me that "hopes" it will work out.

I can beat myself up for it, I can try to rationalize why I would want to remain with this person who played basically a "teenage mom" for the better part of this past year, betrayed (and continues to do so!) me and also my children, made no seeming end of demands to maker her happy, and sabotaged us financially, costing our family a lot of money and most of my savings. The thing is, that we had an intimate connection with our partners. Of course we hope or have hope that it will be better. What ordered person does not? What we need to do, however, is catch our hearts up with our minds, and realize that it is probable that the relationship that we desire will never be possible.

Excerpt
Maybe it's true that hope is the source of greatest strength and the greatest weakness of the human being at the same time.

That is interesting... .I don't know if I agree with that upon first reading, but it is something to think about.
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« Reply #49 on: November 26, 2013, 10:32:01 PM »

Excerpt
she posts stuff about "independency" (from love,from people)

Mine says similar things. Ultimately, it's all exactly the opposite. It sounds like she is going into "hermit" mode, for a brief time. That is often typical with the BPD. Then they cycle back to the Waif, Queen, Witch/Hater, Discard/Recycle/Discard... .back to Waif. It's a sad, sad script.

Mine was doing the same in the devaluation period in round 2. She was projecting this image to the social media world of hers that she was in "personal development" and reading the self help book "The Secret" which was "opening her eyes", while destroying me in the same process. She has no self but was projecting "personal development"; a cruel contradiction with that ___ing book as the perfect facade to hide behind. No one questioned her on any of that, they all applauded her and stroked her ego. I watched all of that in horrifying silence. How was a self help book going to help someone with a personality disorder? More and more awful contradictions. And of course, I stuck around. The final contradiction.

Major red flags for me in future r/s, "finding" or "working" on ones' self. Of course, mine never came off like that in the beginning, but is into it full tilt now.

I once counted the number of self-help books my BPD wife had on our various bookshelves--lost count at about 25.  On the one hand, I commend her quest, but if I was her 'real' barrier to happiness, she most certainly could've saved some money (and shelf space) by realizing it sooner. 

I like the sarcasm there... .Another rf would be to see how much of that self-validating crap they post on FB, along with the number of selfies (though I realize there is a generational thing with the latter). Also, subscribing or regularly reading certain gender-targeted periodicals.

It really makes you feel that we are all describing the same person. Sometimes i dont know whether to scream or cry as i read the accounts on here. It is saddening and maddening all at the same time.
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« Reply #50 on: November 27, 2013, 02:59:17 AM »

I'm sorry to came here to write for every lil "evolution"... .but for the moment i feel better only writing/reading here... .after she tried to contact me some days ago by phone (my dad told me she wrote to him toobjust to apologies and tell them she loves them and she's sorry if she's been a delusion for them) ,messages,whatever... .telling me she was "worried for me" without a reply from me... .finally i wrote her a lil phone message tonight... i knowit's wrong probably... .i've been totally out of her range for almost two months now... .but since i got her message i felt a growing violent "tension" inside me... .like to have different conflicting voices whispering in my mind telling me conflicting things... ."wite her... .maybe she's just really worried... just tell her you're fine and nothing more"... ."don't do it,you're gonna regret... .be strong,she's just tryng to clean her conscience"... .finally i did tonight... .just wrote "Hi there... .i'm fine,take care of you and give a hug to (name of he child)"... .i got suddenly a message from her... ."Oki... sorry for have bored you... .thanks you have replied to me... .take care of you too"

5 minutes after,another message... .":)o you hate me?"... .no i don't,my heart... .i hate myself for not having yet moved a step far from you in two months... .i didn't replied,don't know what to do.

You know what to do.

Ignore it.

She knows you are ok. You know why NC is recommended. You can see from the stories here where it will lead if you do.

You have come part way away from her. Don't undo that by going back and engaging with her need for self-soothing.

I've been reading that someone must be "ready" for NC too... .and i don't know if i am... .for a total one... .i mean... .excepet yestarday's messages she got nothing from me since a long time... .i just go lurking on her profile... .damn social forums.

Anyway... .bad bad bad bad day today... .since this morning i just want to cry... .and lurking goes on... .her fb cover says "I miss you"... .my reactions?Happiness at first... .like if i was able to really breathe again after two months... .like if something heavy went away from my chest... .but suddenly after i undesrtood something... .that i'm gonna need to explain... .is not for me... .is for the one she triangulated with... .i know she wrote him many times (and he doesn't reply) she doesn't know that in the while me and him we becomed quit "friends" in some ways... .and he told all the story about this summer too,even the story about the money he offered to help her and she didn't wanted... .gonna have a coffee with him this afternoon and ask... .need to know... .and the stone on my chest is back... .bad,bad day.

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« Reply #51 on: November 27, 2013, 09:28:31 AM »

It really makes you feel that we are all describing the same person. Sometimes i dont know whether to scream or cry as i read the accounts on here. It is saddening and maddening all at the same time.

I went back and checked a few people's intro posts just to make sure they weren't dating my ex.
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« Reply #52 on: November 27, 2013, 12:34:54 PM »

Nicco

The Holidays are a very emotional time.  Do you realize that the pain you feel right now is self-inflicted?  Your ex has moved on and you need to accept that because  you cannot change it.  Stop torturing yourself. 

If you are not ready for NC, at least stay off her fb.  I suspect your friend has learned how to be NC since he no longer communicates with her, and maybe he can help you.  Beyond that, and the fact you can commisurate about the ex... .what positive information do you hope to gain?

I am sorry you are having a bad day.  Stay strong.

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« Reply #53 on: November 29, 2013, 03:28:20 AM »

Nicco

The Holidays are a very emotional time.  Do you realize that the pain you feel right now is self-inflicted?  Your ex has moved on and you need to accept that because  you cannot change it.  Stop torturing yourself. 

If you are not ready for NC, at least stay off her fb.  I suspect your friend has learned how to be NC since he no longer communicates with her, and maybe he can help you.  Beyond that, and the fact you can commisurate about the ex... .what positive information do you hope to gain?

I am sorry you are having a bad day.  Stay strong.

I'll do it... .you're right.

I only get confusion and doubts that i doesn't need.

And all my family is been under her emotional attack,i found out... .she wrote to me,my parents (who didn't replied) my uncle too (very sensible person who got real good feelings for her... .he replied ((i was fckg pissed off)) but it's not his fault i told him nothing about ignore her so).

She's looking for amotional support and "justifications" from all my family now... .independence eh?bull****!
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« Reply #54 on: November 29, 2013, 01:47:01 PM »

Nicco

I am sorry your ex has now written your family.  All of you were very good to her and her son.  She is just looking for sympathy and justification, as you said.  

PwBPD enjoy tormenting others.  It makes them feel better about themselves and how they mistreat everyone.  Remember... .pwBPD are ALWAYS victims.  Nothing is EVER their fault.  Protect yourself and your family.  If you do not respond, eventually, she will stop.  Consider the source and the fact she is mentally ill.  Her perceptions are skewed and you need not to let her use them as a weapon to hurt you and yours.

Another reason to stay far, far away.  

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« Reply #55 on: December 07, 2013, 08:01:54 AM »

Hello there.

Just a lil update about my situation.

SHe wrote me again an "hello... ." last wednesday... .i knew i didn't had to reply but since some days i'm feeling particulary nervous and "raging" with her especially cause she wrote to all my family too so yesterday morning i finally wrote her back just to tell her to don't do it anymore... .and,of course,moved by curiosity to know what she wanted.

I've been cold but not hostile... .here the quick conversation :

ME - Hello

HER - Hello

ME - You had something to tell me?

HER - Not in particular... i just wanted to know how you are... .

ME - Already said i'm fine.

HER - And that i was sorry to have not been able to listen you when you needed... .even if i guess that you absolutely do not care anymore of what i could say or not... .

I know i have not been right with you... .That i did not treat you well when we broke up... .i just did not knew how to manage...

I know its late for explanation... .but i needed to tell you... i am not completely a monster without hearth... .

You might think that what i say now its ridiculous and has non sense... and you are right...

I just wanted to tell you this few words... .i let you in peace because i don't want to bore you more... .

ME - Good

HER - I am scared that you too finally finished by hating me... .well, i guess i deserve it...

ME - it really doesn't matter anymore

HER - I'm sorry for what i've been... .and for what you had to endure with me... .

ME - stop with self pity and to look from affections from my family... .it really doesn't matter

HER - I am not looking for nothing, and i love your family

ME - WIthout resentment

HER - I don't want pity... .what you mean without resentment?

ME - what i said... .without resentment... .but stop it

HER - So why are you replying to me... .anyway...

ME - cause you wrote

HER - Sorry for annoyed you... if you are really fine... I am glad for you... .good bye then... .Thanks for your time...

ME - Ciao

HER - Just one last question... .

ME - ?

HER - Do you hate me?

ME - Ciao (her name)

HER - Just an answer... .Please, do you hate me?... Its ok if you say yes, i just want to know...

I didn't replied anymore... .for two hours i had to fight with myself to don't tell her that i love her and begin to pray her again to change idea... .it's been really hard and exausting for me... .i'm gonna delete her from fb cause it's clear that i speak only to her illness... .like i always done probably... .and that in despite of what she shows she's still "the same"... .she's still writing not often but still doing to my new "friend" she "triangulated" with... .still breaking his b---s tryng to stay in touch with him who's not giving her ANY attention since months... .the new "independent" version of her (a more healty one like she thinks she's now) would not do it off course... .especially after months of attempts without any result... .but once again she doesn't know that we talk about her always and he tells me everything... .she would be very disappointed i guess... .yesterday he told that some weeks ago (after we already broke up) she "menaced" him telling that if he still did not answer she would jump on a plane to come straight here from France to sneak him up... .of course she didn't... .it's crazy that she'll still doing all this... .how can she doesn't see how much her behaviours are just the same like past... .bah... .

And plus i would be curious to know why is so important for her to know if i hate her or not... .i really don't know... .i'll never tell her nothing more probably,i'm tired... .like i wrote inside an another thread i wanted to speak with her once for all to spit out everything and tell her i know way more than she thinks about what she done and do... .but i won't... .i understood would be useless... .i would never have a "true" answer about nothing... .the triangulation man told me the same... ."really,leave it... .her disturb is too strong,would be useless... .whe would just lie and you know that... .move on,let it go... .i don't want to see you like this... .we can't help her and it's not our duty... .only her could decide to heal by a professional help... .don't look for something you can't have... .and plus,stop with this crazy idea to have her back... .in 6 months-1 year you would find yourself in the same situation,cause she doesn't find peace nowhere with no one... .go out from this story,is better"... .he's a wise man and im happy that we talk... .is another reason why i don't want to tell her all those things i discovered thanks to him... .cause she would be raging with him and give him many problems for sure... .and he doesn't deserves this... .and i want to keep my good realtion with him cause is important for me... .so i prefer to stay in silence and focus on this healty friendship instead of do a big mess that could destroy it just to ask her questions she would never really replies... .it really doesn't matter... .

Now i'm completely splitten you know... .i love her,i hate her... .i think she's wonderful,i think she's terrible... .i desperately want her back,i'm scared that this could happen cause i know would be VERY wrong and poisoning for me... .imiss her,i'm fine alone... .i'm raging with her,i've pity for her... .she destroyed me,she probably gave me a story that will makes me stonger... .she completely setted me in the fog,she revealed me who i really am... .i love her i love her i love her she's amazing,beautiful,unique,my soulmate... .i hate her i hate her i hate her,she's a terrible,insensible,incapable of love and empathy person who just destroyed me... .i NEVER felt so ambivalent,never... ."i hate you,don't leave me"... .i'm deeply lost in this concept now,i'm feeling terribly like a pwBPD right now... .is like if i had traded her life with mine... .now she looking as if she's having fun,friends,having a full life in a big city and everything's ok... .and me i'm the one needing,painful,cryng,depressed,BPD... .it's crazy... .before we met WAS EXACTLY THE CONTRARY... .how i reached this point... .she got my life and me i got her life... .is terrible... .

Next step,delete her from everywhere... .it's just poisoning... .maybe already after i finish to write here... .






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« Reply #56 on: December 07, 2013, 08:21:53 AM »

One day at a time Nicco. I know if is so hard in the beginning but you will once again become that strong person that you once were before. Work on yourself and before you know it you will be smiling and moving to the new and improved you. Hang in there.
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« Reply #57 on: December 07, 2013, 08:32:16 AM »

She wants you to feel guilty with asking "do you hate me?". As soon as you feel guilty, that reopened the door further for her to renter your world. That is what she wants. And as soon as that happens, the countdown starts to the day she gets triggered again, and starts to re devalue you once more in a similar fashion as first time. Mine guilt tripped me successfully into me letting her back in for round 2 when she asked "Just answer this one question, do you miss me Ironmanfalls?"  As soon as I answered her "Yes", I betrayed myself and the countdown started to the very day when she got triggered again. No difference. Now I am here. Broken.
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« Reply #58 on: December 07, 2013, 08:36:32 AM »

Hmm, recognize a lot from that conversation.

She never have or got your life. You only feel so.

And noone "get" anything from who you are, if not letting them.

They can steal physical stuff from you, they can damage your feelings. But never "take" what is you, if you do not let it happen... .then that is "you" too, then you are someone letting that happen.

Sorry, to be frank. I say it as much, more, to myself.

The only way "out" is you focusing really on you and your life.

And you know it. Perfectly.

Be very cautious by ruin any relationship that helps you now, like the "triangulated" man.

And ask yourself, who and what else can make you feel better?

Do you have any Therapist? Is there any support to heal? Do you do any physical sport?

I believe, to be honest, you do not "love" her anymore, not even hating her.

You love WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN her and you together, what you believed in.

What you wanted and worked so hard to have.

That is mostly the hardest to let go of. "What could have been... ." and all the effort and struggles put down in someone that just became "nothing" but pain.

I believe, from my point of view, the "hate" is because she destroyed your dreams and because you have fought for "nothing".

The problem is, if you still continue seeking "what could have been" and dreaming about her, you will understand less of what there is, who she is for real, who you are, and what you have for real and what you don't have, and you will loose more of what there is. More of yourself and "your life".

Do you really?

Keep on posting here, keep on finding more and more ways to feel better.

I am sure you will make it. This is a phase you need to go thru too, look upon the feelings you have and analyse them truly, for you, try to not put her too responsible for your wellbeing or not wellbeing. You are.

Use your anger/hate to build yourself up, instead of tear yourself down. Direct your love towards people, animal, things that give back or just make you feel good in directing love towards. Like towards yourself and your physical and mental being.

Keep on fighting those demons, they will not like it and dissapear, slowly probably, but with you stronger on the other end. I assure you.

You have you, and you are a wonderful person that has stand up for your woman, her son and for love.

That love is no more, neither the woman. But there is you and love in general. (Even the son perhaps, one day, when you can have your own contact with each other).


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« Reply #59 on: December 07, 2013, 01:45:40 PM »

Nicco

It is time to stop the self-torture.  You can see where it gets you... .exactly where she wants you.  Accept that it is OVER.  She is teasing you and manipulating your family.  You do not hate her... .but remember pity and false hope are also BPD tools and she will use them IF YOU ALLOW IT.

Stop responding.  Stop opening the door.  Go NC and stay there. 

Time to take care of Nicco.  You deserve better than she is willing to give.  Do not settle for a toxic relationship that only causes you pain.

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